Undone

Right now I feel like I am slowly falling apart into millions of tiny pieces and that I am totally powerless to stop the progression. I have been weepy all day and can't seem to quit crying. Yes I am aware that the emotional stuff could be related to a positive pregnancy test but at the moment I'm much more inclined to think that it's actually the downward spiral into depression. See, I've been there before and this is how it starts. It's not at the point where it starts to scare me but just knowing that could be coming scares me. I am trying to remain optimistic while also being realistic. At this moment in time I am pregnant. Whether that will continue is what is so unsure but right now the limbo as Bleu put it is the worst part. Will I be devastated if the pregnancy ends? Yes, but I will survive. I know I've already caught myself thinking "Okay, what's next" yet I haven't caught myself thinking about what my due date would be if this turns out to be a viable pregnancy. I can't go there right now although I know it's sometime in October. I know this because it's almost exactly a year since I started trying. Last year I posted a beautiful and fantastic blinky about wishing for a Valentines day BFP and a Halloween baby. I wanted a reason to love or even like a little, Valentines Day. I still hate the holiday, nothing like a national holiday to remind me I'm still single at almost 38. When I started all the IVF stuff, I did consider that maybe I would get my wish a year after it was made. Trying not to think any further than the next blood test at this point.
And yes, as I mentioned I've been thinking about what my next step is if this doesn't end up working. See I told myself (and several close friends) at the start of the IVF that if this didn't work I was going to stop trying and start saving towards adoption. Because there is a part of me that feels like it's crazy to be spending so much money on trying to get pregnant when that money could be going towards adoption. However now a couple months down the road, as much as I feel like I should start saving because this may not ever happen, my heart truly isn't there yet. I'm not ready to give up yet. It's not that I have anything really against adoption, hell I was adopted. It's just that with adoption I would likely end up going with international adoption since I don't have a lot of faith that with domestic I would be chosen by a potential birth mom over a couple who could provide 2 parents to the child. And when looking at international adoption it's pretty much a fact that the child will be at least 6 months old before you get the child. And this breaks my heart. I can't stand the thought of missing out on that time. I know I would have pics etc but still, to not be able to hold my newborn seems unimaginable. Another factor is that back almost 2 years ago when I thought maybe I would just adopt instead of trying to get pregnant I got my heart set on Guatamala. Which is now at least for the time being closed. Granted that option seemed incredibly expensive but I found myself very drawn to that country. I don't even know why for sure although I do know that when I worked NICU it was always the hispanic babies (usually the boys) that I was totally falling in love with. I have since found an agency with a program for adoption from Zambia which is much less expensive but have not heard much else otherwise about this program so I'm a bit unsure of the whole thing. Still worth looking into. When my heart gets there. But like I said above, it's not there yet. The funny thing is that the forever people pleaser in me is thinking, hmm, how am I going to explain to the 2 people who are probably the most important in my life that I'm not done TTC. One of them being someone who had children in a time when ART wasn't available or an option, admittedly doesn't understand my need or desire to do this. She is very supportive but she doesn't understand. The other my BFF I don't know what she will think. I think she doesn't want to see me hurt more. However there is the little girl voice in me that thinks "it's my money, I can do what I want with it." While I understand that it would not be reasonable to go to far into debt with this for now it really is my money. I also find myself justifying the whole thing. Because it sort of did work. I'm pregnant. I just don't know if I can stay that way. The way I see it, I did try those 4 times at home with possibly little hope of it working and so I don't plan to go back to that route. However I have tried 3 times with the RE. Once with Clomid - I got pregnant, it was a chemical but I was pregnant. Once with injectibles with nothing. Once with IVF and again, I got pregnant. That's 2 out of 3 which is good actually. I wonder if there are infertiles reading this who are thinking "yeah right, she doesn't have an infertility problem, she's been pregnant twice." If so I'm sorry. I still feel like something is wrong. While I'm not ready to jump back into the IVF game again, I find myself considering at least a couple of cycles with injectibles. So the whole planning stuff has stepped in again. Maybe this is a defense mechanism. In the meantime, my limbo state or stress or depression is really throwing a wrench into my life. And the stress has stepped up a notch. See, I just figured out that I have no place to live yet. The apartment that I thought I had found even though I didn't like it has apparently been rented. If I tell my agency to find me a place I lose money and will likely end up in the extended stay hotel again which is a sucky option. I did possibly find a place this evening but have reservations. It's in a home that used to be a bed and breakfast. I would be living with 3 other women. We would all have our own seperate spaces except the kitchen. For this most part this sounds ok. Except the bedroom that would be mine is furnished. Which then brings me to what do I do with my stuff. I can put it in storage, not a big deal I suppose, it's 13 weeks and if my work finds me a place this is likely what I will end up doing anyways. I would horribly miss my bed which I love and my TV. But where should I store my stuff???? To store it in San*ta Barb*ara will cost me I think about a hundred a month. To store it in Fresno, only like 35. But then I have to come back and get it. Possibly not a big deal as I'm think for the purpose of money and housing my next assignment will be more back along the central and northern area of California. Or I could just get rid of most all of it. But then what if I had to replace it. So in my stress and just flat out feeling overwhelmed I have still not accomplished anything. Yes Cora, I can see you shaking your head. But I am now going to have to go back through everything I had packed so far and switch stuff around for what I need with me and what can go into storage. So I have to repack everything. Plus I think there is a part of me hoping something else will come up. For now though I think I need to go to bed. It will all still be here tomorrow. And the next day.