Expectations Of Perfection

Decision Making

For a long time I've struggled with making decisions.  Any decisions are difficult but the big ones are the hardest.  I second guess myself, doubt myself and basically expect the worst to happen regardless of what path I choose.  I'm working on learning how to trust myself more and to not expect perfection from myself.  Right now though it's still difficult sometimes.
My big decision now is the school thing.  I know that at some point down the road I will need my BSN.  I know that I've found a reasonably priced program and I should work on it.  The problem is that I seriously don't want to. I hate school.  A lot more than I used to.  Partially because it doesn't mean more money etc.  I just know that I likely won't be working as a floor nurse forever and many of the paths that interest me require a BSN.  Right now though my head is not in the game basically and I have no desire to take the classes.  Factor in a lack of funds since I'm paying for all of this myself out of pocket when saving money isn't my strong point and it's even more of a struggle.  Right now I need to decide if I'm going to sign up for class in March or wait until May.  Really I can't afford it in March as I've been off work, am trying to catch up etc.  However my mental resistance against it makes me feel like I should be doing it.  Regardless of how much I don't want to do it.  The flip side of the argument is that if I'm this resistant to it, am I learning anything (I didn't feel like I was the first quarter, more like I was jumping through the hoops).  I've got about a week to decide.
Ugg.  I hate making decisions. 

Compassion

It feels like it's been a long ass couple of weeks.  I'm still not getting nearly as much sleep as I'd like but then sometimes what I'd like is a bit too much.  At some point I'm hoping I'll find a balance.  The good news is that sleeping at night is going really well.  Lily will sleep 4-5 hours at a time (once nearly 6) and so I get that much sleep too.  Day time is still rough.  She still wants to play when it's light out and I still want to sleep after having worked all night. I used to laugh at the whole helicopter parent thing and I think I've become one. To a dog. I worry a lot that I'm not doing good enough. But that seems to be a theme that runs throughout my life, touching virtually every aspect.
I think that this lack of confidence has led to a lot of the compulsive behaviors I've got.  Like  shopping. I joke about being a shop-a-holic but really it's fairly accurate. I love to buy things.  Often things I don't ever use since it's the buying and having that seem to be what motivates me.  I want to change this and I'm working on it.  That and being nicer to myself. 
Which leads to the compassion.  I'm a nurse.  To some extent I show compassion to others on a daily basis.  Or at least the days I work.  Yet for some reason I seem to be almost unable to show it to myself. I doubt everything I do.  I worry constantly about not being good enough in some way or another.  I am routinely nicer to others than I am to myself.  It's frustrating to be able to see that trait or habit and yet feel unable to change it. To feel like I truly am not good enough as I am and that I have to continually strive to be something or someone else. 

Ass Kicking

I feel like I've gotten my ass kicked this week. I broke up my days at work because I didn't feel up to working three 12 hour shifts in a row yet. Instead I'm doing two on, two off, one on, two off. It really sucks too. When I work all 3 in a row I can manage to schedule myself a stretch of days in a row off which is nice and allows me to feel human for a while. This week I haven't felt very much like I'm part of the human race. On my first night off I tend to stay up most of the day for various reasons. Today it was dealing with Lily and feeling guilty crating her when I've been gone all night, plus working on potty training. Other days its running errands or whatever. The down side is that on that first night off even though I stay up most of the day I don't often accomplish a lot as I'm so tired I'm hugely lacking in motivation. Exercise usually doesn't happen on days I work or worked the night before which is one thing I want very much to get better at even if its only taking Lily for a walk. Plus I'm cranky and basically feel like shit as I'm sleep deprived. So I lose a day there. Then when I go back to work I try to stay up late the night before and then sleep late. Which in the past has often led to 14 or so hours in bed as there is nothing insisting I get up. At least until now. I have to admit that I can't imagine working the floor on day shift. I don't think I could keep up. Already I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can manage doing bed side nursing. Between the arthritis, the fibro and my hands (which have numerous small cracks after 3 nights this week and lots of lotion) I find myself wondering how much longer I can do it and what else I want to do.
All I do know is that I find myself craving a schedule that is at least a little bit more normal while fearing disliking a completely normal (Mon-Fri) schedule like I did the last time I tried and considering the pay cut I'd end up taking if I went to a shorter shift on days.

Back To Work

So I finally went back to work this last Sunday night. It's a little on the slow side at work which was sort of nice.  Nice since being back to work is more tiring than I expected, just like most everything else has been more as it relates to the whole surgery process.  I was more sore and tired.  One thing that surprised me is how much my knee hurt while at work (I wasn't on my feet that much) and since I've been off.  All I can say is that aging and arthritis sucks ass.  The tired was likely related to my new baby.
Last week I got a puppy.  As in an 8 week old puppy.  Who I've been getting up to take out to potty every 3 hours or so all night.  Yeah, not getting a lot of sleep.  Plus with the never having had a puppy for very long before it's been a big learning experience.  I've finally started feeling like I sort of know what I'm doing with the help of a fabulous pet sitter who spent several hours with me this afternoon helping me out and giving me a lot of information.  She's loads of fun though and such a cutie. 
I had experienced a lot of guilty feelings with getting her though.  I felt bad getting a dog since I rehomed Lizzie last year and felt like such an utter failure with her.  I had spent over a year trying to connect with her and trying to make myself love her.  After 15 months, I didn't and hadn't.  I liked her ok but often her fearfulness drove me nuts.  She needed more than I could give.  For a while I questioned whether I was good enough to have a dog.  My schedule isn't ideal although I've always found ways to make it work before.  I just missed having a dog around though so much.  For the last 6 months or so I've been looking around for Corgis and Corgi mixes.  I kept telling myself that I was just looking, I knew I shouldn't have a dog (the whole not good enough thing) but I was looking.  I came to realize that I had a fairly specific criteria in that I wanted the dog to be at least part Corgi and not Chihuahua and I wanted a young dog, less than 1 year.  I had looked all over most of California too.  Finally I admitted to myself that I really did want a dog and I felt like I could be good with a dog (although there is still the inner voice/critic/annoyance telling me I'm not good enough) but I wasn't having a lot of luck finding what I wanted.  I did stumble across a Pembroke Corgi though that a breeder had and finally gave myself permission.  Permission but I'm still feeling a little like I don't want to hear negativity so I haven't really come out on FB yet about her.  Funny thing is that I had planned to call her Piper.  Then once I got home with her I saw the white mark on her head and neck was sort of lightening bolt shaped.  I said to her that if she was a boy I could call her Harry Potter.  At which point I realized I could call her Lily after Harry Potter's mom.  So Lily stuck and that's her name now. 

So here's the latest addition to my little fur family.

On My Way

So I met with the therapist yesterday.  Mostly we did some catching up since it's been like 2 years since I've seen here although we did discuss some of my current problems and some ways to cope with or work with those problems.  I'm going to see her weekly at first and we'll see how it goes. I really like her and feel comfortable.  One thing we did discuss is that my difficulty or lack of ability to deal with confrontation.  And how if something is said during therapy that makes me feel bad or threatened etc I will discuss it with her. 
We also discussed my various compulsive behaviors (compulsive shopping and eating) and what I perceive to be my impulsiveness and the difficulties it can cause for me.  I am aware that I frequently act impulsively.  However she did point out that one of my fairly recent decisions wasn't that impulsive.  I had been thinking about it for months and I acted on it.  The fact that I may not have chosen the best path is there but the current path brings me joy and that's a good thing. 
So onward and maybe I can find a space where I like myself and in the process I can evict my mom and any other negative people from my head where they seem to take up so much space.