More Random Thoughts

Sitting at a stop light today looking at a guy standing on the center island pan handling. His sign says "Homeless, please help". That would be a bit more believable if he got rid of the Ipod. Sorry no quarter for you.
I know many have issues with the "muffin top". I do but I also try to actually buy clothes that fit. So I'm standing in line at the grocery store (craving chocolate cake again) behind this girl who definitely falls into the too small pants category. Not only does she have a significant muffin top but she can't pull her pants up all the way which makes the crack of her ass visible to anyone who happens to be in the vicinity. WAY to much information for me.
Baby furniture is really expensive.
I really like the Subaru Tribeca but it will be a long damn time before I can afford that.
The hospital today called and asked if I would be interested in signing on to work for them permanently. Yeah right. Like they are going to match what I'm making as a traveler.
I finally found a pair of jeans today that fit. Thank goodness I can stop looking for those now.
Odd dreams last night full of murder and mayhem. I don't know where that comes from, it's not like I watch super violent TV all the time or anything. I do get the occasional dreams though that seem to be very Harry Potterish.
Last night we had an absolutely crazy storm here. I had been sound asleep, it was about 6pm and all the sudden was woke up by this really loud crazy noise. It scared the crap out of me as the only thing I could think of it being was someone trying to come into my apartment through the window and the vertical blinds. Turns out is was gumball sized hail hitting my front door and window. Lakes all over the parking lot, torrential downpour, thunder and lighting. It was crazy.
I almost stepped on a really big frog/toad just now on my way to the laundry room. I didn't know what it was until it moved.
Milkmaid I have a bad cat like you. I love her to death and know her sissy would miss her horribly but I am at an absolute loss as to what to do with her. Since we started traveling she has decided that the litter box is a bad evil place that she should never go to unless absolutely necessary. Granted she was never fully convinced it was an ok place to begin with but as long as I was diligent with the cleaning she used to cooperate. Needless to say I won't be getting this deposit back either which was why I didn't really want to pay another 500.00 as I knew I wouldn't get it back either.
And yes, I'm still trying really really hard not to think about the TWW. And the fact that if AF is going to show it could happen any time in the next 6 days (God please don't let it happen at work). Six more days till testing. I swear I'm going to wait until the 5th. Unless I change my mind, again.
I've modified this post like 5 times now. I think I'm losing it.

Monday Monday

Well, I had one stupid night at work in the middle of what would have been a 5 day weekend had I called in sick last night. I was good though and went to work. Good thing as we were pretty short. It wasn't too bad. Pretty busy at the end of the shift. I HATE it when I have a patient who isn't doing well and a doctor who won't call you back. Do they really think we page them because we enjoy getting yelled at and hung up on?? So I have been sitting here reading everyone's blogs and happened to glance up at my bottle of cream soda and notice in big medium sized letters that it says WITH CAFFEINE. What, when did they put that in there. I thought I was making a good choice for non caffeine soda. See what happens when I think? Oh well, not the end of the world. And here I thought I was doing soooooo well.
So many random things bumping around in my head. I've been watching Desp%rate Ho*sewives lately (past seasons) since my room mate back in June got me started on the show and reached the part where Gabby and Carlos decide to adopt. I'm sitting there feeling disappointed in this as it's very unrealistic. Granted I do realize that the majority of the show is unrealistic but still, I don't think the writers did the story line much justice. At least not until the part where the birth mom comes to get the baby back. That was a bit more realistic.
It still doesn't feel like Halloween, almost November and Thanksgiving here. More like September. This is weird to me. I got a newsletter from the apt managers today talking about decorating our decks. Huh?? Oh yeah, Christmas isn't too far off.
My check for the refund of the deposit from NW came Saturday. More to pay bills with. Although I did go get me some new flannel sheets as I LOVE flannel sheets. Not that I really need them yet but I have them.
And last but not least, one week down in the TWW. I'm not insane yet. Yet being the operative word here. I'm trying really hard (notice I didn't say I was succeeding) to not stress about, obsess about or even think about the whole "signs and symptoms" of pregnancy. However I'm also trying not to feel to discouraged either (yup, failing that one too). I don't feel any different. Not from any of the other cycles in which I have given this a go and this has me feeling discouraged. I know it's still early for any signs or symptoms but I keep expecting to feel something that says yes, this is new, this makes me think I'm pregnant. Nothing new is happening though. I've had a few twinges in the uterus region which is like past months. Then I caught site of my ticker today and I'm CD 25. Now I know my cycle was delayed and should be longer as I didn't ovulate until around CD 18 but I've also had a couple of months in the past where I did AI and ended up having "cramping" that seemed early based on my ovulation and it turns out it was just AF getting ready. One. More. Week. Until. I. Test. Shit.

Saturday Morning Musings

Well, it's sort of Saturday morning. So that survey thing about S that I was talking about last week. I filled it out. It still makes me a bit nervous but after talking to my friend R we decided it was a good idea. Her first response was "hell no" as was mine. However I have since developed a couple of thoughts on this. First thought is that maybe S has realized that there is some sort of problem in her relationships in life and is honestly trying to figure out what that problem is and remedy it. The e-mail request does ask for honest answers and well thought out answers. I know it's not just me that she doesn't get along with. I know she treats her mom horribly and while her mom can at times be highly annoying, she is still her mom. I also know that in the past she became irate with her mother in law over a Christmas letter that went out where her and her family were mentioned (some happy occasion) in the letter and S was furious that MIL had wrote about that and that it was no one's business. It wasn't anything that was a huge deal and at the time I remember thinking her reaction was strange. Anyways, my point is that I'm not the only one she has had problems with. So, maybe she is honestly looking and maybe something like this could help rebuild a new relationship. The other thought (yes it's a somewhat paranoid and irrational thought) is that maybe she is putting this out to me as some sort of a trick or way to get me or others to say something negative about her. If that is the case then she isn't the type of person I wish to be around at all and this will bring all that out and put me in a place where I no longer have to go out of my way to make an effort to make her happy. Yes, I know some would reason that I should have to "make her happy" anyways but because of our closeness in the past I find myself tending to do just that. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm on egg shells every time I'm around her since I don't know what she wants or expects of me. And I'm tired of feeling like she is upset with me because I don't make enough of an effort to be a part of her life. And no, admittedly I probably don't make much of an effort with this. Because I feel so uncomfortable around her so much of the time. I could give examples but would probably bore you all to death if I'm not already.
Not much going on in the two week hell (I mean wait) right now. I'm not having the insane urge to pee on a stick yet. Lets hope I can hold off on that one. I have tomorrow off and I have no idea what I'm going to do for the day. Maybe sleep since it's almost 3 and I'm still wide awake. Oh and guess what. I'm not scheduled on Thanksgiving. Of course I don't have enough time to go anywhere either. Plus I wanted to work all 3 holidays. The supervisor who does the schedule said she would try to fix it but if not I think I will go to staffing and tell them I'm willing to work anywhere that night which would basically be an extra shift. I was sort of upset by this. Sure give me the night off but don't give me enough time to leave town. Oh and another thing, this one very fun to me, I get to go see Billy Ray Cyrus in concert. Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want. I still think he's hot.

Hello Everyone

Yep, I'm still here. No milkmaid I haven't blown up like a balloon and floated away. Sorry for not posting for a few days. I worked the last 2 nights and last night when I had a choice between getting up on time and checking blogs or sleeping just a little bit longer, I opted for sleep. Not that I got any more since Sara had other ideas that included me petting her and giving her some attention. Cats, you gotta love the little buggers.
I'm doing pretty good. I feel much better. Not nearly so bloated which is nice. I have sore sensitive nipples and have felt a couple of small twinges in my lower abdomen but other than that, nothing. Too soon for anything. Just trying basically not to think about it. I'm going to try to be good and hold off on testing until the 5th like I'm supposed to. Not much else going on either. Just work, and I do finally have another contract for the next 3 months. The hospital dicked around again until the last day of my contract before signing the extension. Apparently they are trying to talk people in to staying on permanently. Yeah not happening unless they are planning on paying me a boat load of money which I know they won't. I'm no where near the fires so no worries there. To those who are, I hope you're all ok. And basically nothing going on. My shopping trip the other day got me several new shirts and 5 new pairs of panties. I made myself actually come home and throw away 5 pairs. I keep buying new ones and not throwing out the old because you want the old ratty tatty ones for those yucky AF days but I had way too many yucky ones. I tried on a pair of jeans that didn't button. I don't know if it was because of the bloating or the sizing. It was possibly the same large and beautiful shop you went to B as it was all about the right shape of jeans. yeah, whatever. They didn't fit. The sales girl seemed incredibly surprised that they didn't fit since I had been measured. Again, whatever. At least the tops will still fit for a while if this does end up being a successful science project.

Ahh, now I get it

I feel bloated. And I have to say that I have NEVER understood what people mean when they say they feel bloated. What does that feel like. Well, now I know. My pants are tight, they are the ones that are usually loose, it's just uncomfortable and pressure on my lower abdomen is just not fun. Otherwise I do feel fine. No more cramping really although it's still pretty uncomfortable to have a full bladder. And no B, I didn't go to work last night. No way. I sat around and did nothing and I'm pretty much going to do more of it today. After I go get a pedicure. And I was thinking of doing some shopping. I have no long pants here (all at home) and no long sleeve shirts.

I've Been Sperminated

It's done. I still had some cramping all night last night so I wasn't feeling as horrible about timing this morning but I told her I was nervous about timing. I told her (nurse practitioner) about the positive opk on Saturday afternoon and she said that next time I could call and they could maybe get me in on Saturday for IUI but since it was 4:30, realistically they wouldn't have gotten me in then either probably. She also looked at my chart and my list of what follies. They had told me I had 4 but I think I saw in the chart I had 5. I had a 14, 15, 15, on the left and a 17, 18 on the right. She said that the 14 and 15's wouldn't have been ready sooner. So I'm optimistic, sort of. Of course as B said this morning, tomorrow I probably won't be and it will be so much up and down it's not even funny. I slept most of the day and I'm still tired. I also am sort of seriously uncomfortable. My ovaries hurt. Or something hurts. And work just called to see if I would come in to work tonight and I wanted to as I could use the extra money but I just don't feel that good and I just feel like I should take it easy tonight. Now I just wait. They told me to test with HPT on the 5th of November and call them with the results. The NP told me that none leaked out and it went well. I laid there for about 20 minutes and then got dressed and went home. So not much else going on. I need to send a list of things I need from home to J. so I can get a few things. I just need to remember all my list.
Deena, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I'm so sorry. Many hugs and warm wishes are being sent your way.

Still On For Monday

So I called the doctors office this morning and got the service. Left a message and about an hour later the doctor called me back, right after I had started falling asleep so I was a little rummy at that point. I explained everything about the positive opk and all and he said it would be "perfect" timing for Monday morning. I however still think it's too late. Maybe I'm wrong and it will all be fine and "perfect" but I know that I seemed to ovulate within 24 hours of a positive opk. They say 24-48 hours but mine is usually the 24. So, that's where I'm at. Waiting until tomorrow morning.

Forget Counting to 10, I'm Panicking

So I have been having some cramping in the general vicinity of my ovaries since this morning. And I still have a couple of smiley face opk's around the house. So I peed on one this afternoon and got a positive. Oh Shit now what. I'm supposed to IUI Monday morning.

Count To 10 and Quit Stressing

Ok so I called doctors office today and explained that I was being a nervous nelly and was nervous about the amount of time between the trigger shot and the IUI. They explained that it was 36 hours and that I could delay my shot by an hour or so if that made me feel better but that the timing was about right. So to make myself feel better, I will trigger on Saturday night at 9pm and then do IUI on Monday morning at 9am. That is exactly 36 hours. So that's my plan and I'm sticking to it.
I've also had all sorts of other interesting things today and I've only been up since noon. I received a call from M*dwest today that the charge on my charge card did not go through. She was very calm and polite about it, I gave them my debit card and they charged that. I can't see NW being nearly that polite about it either since the spermies had already shipped to my doctors office. Last week. Then I called my credit card to find out what was up. I had a zero balance on the account, tried to charge 690.00 and the same day sent them a payment for 700.00 to cover the 690.00. Apparently they have ended a program that my credit card was part of and they had sent me out a new card. The problem is that USPS will forward insignificant stuff but stuff like new credit cards they won't forward and I never got the new credit card or notice that the old one won't work. I haven't changed my address on everything because I'm moving around so much and it would be a pain, although it's a pain to deal with the forwarded mail too since some stuff and often the important things don't get forwarded. The problem was that now my checking account is shorter the 700 dollars which I had planned to pay bills with and ended up giving the money to M*dwest. To get the money back from my credit balance on my credit card they would send a check but it would go to my permanent home address and I would have to hope it got forwarded to me in California. By this time I was getting crabby to say the least. Finally I was told that I could go to the bank and take a cash advance and they would waive the fees. So I did that and money is thankfully back in my account.
My other interesting phone call was from my work. Apparently, I don't have a new contract yet (again) and my contract is up next Monday. The hospital is dragging it's feet again. I was told they want me to stay but they haven't signed the necessary approval paperwork yet. He asked if they were trying to recruit me to stay permanently which I said yes they had asked and I had told them I wasn't interested. He thinks they are dragging their feet hoping to get me to sign with them permanently. Yeah right, too much of a pay cut. Then he mentioned something about that I was staying and trying to work something out and asked how that was going. I had told him that I was trying to do something but not what I was trying to do since I was/am a bit worried that if they think I'm trying to get pregnant, they might not find me another contract. I did finally tell him though that I was trying to get pregnant and seeing a fertility specialist here in Fresno. So he asked if I was doing it on my own and I said yes as I hadn't met the right guy yet. He mentioned that someone he knows is planning to try this. We were talking about it and I was saying that it was turning out to be more difficult than I had thought it would be and more expensive. He said yes he knew and then mentioned that him and his wife were going through treatments. I told him how much support I had found in blog land and he mentioned having his wife try to look that up etc. It was such an interesting conversation just in that I was reminded again just how many women and families are affected by infertility. It's everywhere. I have a couple of women at work I've been talking to also and it's amazing how many women deal with this and how it's kept so quiet. So many people just don't talk about it much. I do though and it's lead me to a lot of support that I don't know what I would do without that support.

I'm Doing It Again

Going online and looking at jobs that are available at home. Not that it will do me any good as I will be here for another 3 months, but there is an IV therapy job that is an evening shift full time available. While I'm sort of at the point where I really don't want to work in a hospital forever, if I did stay at a hospital this would be one of my picks for potential jobs as it would be a lot like when I worked lab. I would get to travel all over the hospital starting IV's and such and I would possibly like it. Evening shift would be bad for daycare although I would much rather do an evening shift than a day or night. But I would honestly really rather not work in a hospital if I can afford not to. And I can't go home now anyways so it's pointless to worry.
So on the scan topic: Cheryl, she didn't tell me sizes of the follies (I should have asked) but I am really uncomfortable with triggering Saturday night and not doing the IUI until Monday morning. Maybe I should just call the office tomorrow and voice my concerns. I just don't want to screw this up.
It was pointed out that the mood shit may be thanks to the Cl*mid. I hope so. I'm just feeling bleh and yes I'm dwelling on things which is never a good thing. I'm lonely and I'm focusing more on my loneliness and aloneness. See I have several very good friends who I see every so often when I'm home. However I will admit that the majority of my time is spent alone. Sometimes this isn't much of a problem and I'm ok with it but other times it bugs me. A lot. I get tired of doing everything alone sometimes. I'm fairly good at entertaining myself when my mood is good and always very bad and initiating plans with others. I tend to sit and wait for others to invite me. I also know that I tend to take things too personally, especially if I'm depressed. Example would be last year I sent Christmas cards to a couple of friends from nursing school whom I hadn't seen that much since I had been back in Spokane (about 7 months) and whom I hadn't gotten together with at all. I suggested getting together at some point. I never heard back from either of them. While I realize that everyone is busy and it logically wasn't a slight that I never heard back, I felt intimidated and didn't not reach out further. I felt left behind by these 2 friends who work together and see each other frequently. Granted I also know that a lot of friendships made during nursing school don't hold up after school is done so that could be it too as I didn't have tons in common with either of them, it could just be a natural growing apart that was supposed to happen. But I feel at times like my life is lacking in friends. Women that I hang out with and can have coffee with or go to a movie with or have over to my house for dinner or something. I've always wanted to have fun dinner parties and yet never do. I'm not sure how to go about changing this but also feel a bit like having friends that I actually spent time with would be a benefit if I'm going to be a single mom. I've considered joining the SMBC group but I asked and there was no group in Spokane. Only Seattle. I know there are groups out there that I can go find and join and I probably just need to be way more proactive. And like I said it sometimes really doesn't bother me as much as it's bothering me now. Because I'm homesick, and hormonal.
Oh and I went and looked at the survey thing for S. I think it's a sucky idea. I can submit my responses anonymously however I don't know how many people she sent it out too and it could still be very apparent that it's coming from me which would be worse than if I had the balls to just sign my name to it. Part of me really would like to fix our relationship but I don't know that this is the way to do it. I just don't know what this was brought on by. I really should just e-mail her and tell her I'm not comfortable with doing the survey.

Still Nervous But Better

Ok, so the scan went well. I have 2 follies on the left and 2 on the right. None are quite ready yet. The part that makes me nervous is that I'm supposed to trigger at 7:30pm Saturday night and do IUI Monday morning at 9. To me this seems like too much time between trigger shot and IUI. What do you all think. That is over 36 hours even which makes me nervous to wait that long. I know in the past it has seemed that once I finally get a positive opk, I usually seem ovulate within 24 hours, often the same day. So part of me is tempted to ignore the instructions and trigger on Sunday morning which would be about 24 hours till ovulation. But then if I start surging on my own, will that screw it up?? Anyways, at least I know I have follicles. I also found a thing at the doctors office that is from fr**dom pharmacy that says if you buy 2 cycles of meds in an 18 month period, you may qualify for free meds for a 3rd cycle. Not that I'm hoping it takes 3 more cycles but hey.
And Chelle to answer your comment, I don't interact with S. that much. I reached a point sometime after the disagreement where it felt like work to be around her. I can't describe it other than that, it just wasn't comfortable. So I stopped going out of my way to be around her. I know that she is aware that things have changed but I'm not sure she is aware of why things have changed. This may be her reaching out but then I've went along with things in the past that I thought may have been her reaching out and ended up feeling like I was somehow now following her plan and yet I was totally unaware of what she wanted.
Now, I'm off to do laundry. I have once again waited until I have so much it's overflowing the bin. Man I hate not having a washer and dryer.

Nervous

A bit nervous about upcoming scan appointment this afternoon. Not sure why, I just am. I will update after my appointment. Another weird thing that makes me nervous is an e-mail I received. My cousin S and I used to be very close when we were young, then lost contact for a couple of years. When we got in contact again we were close but there always seemed to be something different. There were times I felt like she "disapproved" of me and my choices. About 3 years ago we had a disagreement about money and didn't speak at all for several weeks. She let me know she thought I was being petty (I still disagree) and it really strained our relationship. Since then I don't hear from her very often but at times she has been very condescending and acts like I'm someone she needs to tell what to do. She also acts very offended when I don't drop everything to come see her and her kids. Granted there is really a lot more to it than this small little synopsis but that's the really short version. So I just got an e-mail asking me to respond to some survey that she took regarding how she interacts with others. This makes me nervous. Do I really respond to it truthfully?? I haven't looked at the actual questions yet but hmm. I don't want to be hurtful but I don't want to lie either.

Can't Think Of A Catchy Title

I just can't. I try not to reuse titles, yes I realize no one probably cares if I reuse titles but I've used Still Here several times. I am though. Still here. Very busy last couple of days at work. Last night was insane. I was so busy all night long, was behind all night long and running all night long. Several times people commented on "how red my face was or how much I was sweating". Well gee, they've turned on the damn heat and I took Cl*mid this month. One thought though that sort of worries me is what happens when I have a night like that when I'm pregnant. I worry that stress will make me miscarry or something, or maybe just throw my BP so far out of whack it's just not even funny. My scan is tomorrow (Thursday) and hopefully I will be triggering tomorrow also and doing IUI on Friday. I'm trying somewhat successfully to not think much about all this and not stress about it. I don't want to spend the week leading up to my IUI stressed about it since I would rather not have a three week wait. The anticipation of finally having someone else involved in this journey and not just doing it by myself at home is a good feeling. I keep thinking maybe this is what I need. Maybe this month will work. Then I get scared and think to myself "don't let yourself hope too much, this is still early in the game and do you really think it's going to happen without you working furiously hard at it and spending tons of money since nothing in your life ever seems to go that way?" I'm home sick and I want to go home, I want to dress my doggy up like a hot dog for halloween. I want to decorate my house for Christmas. And I can't, I'll be stuck here. And yes this is my decision but it feels like a forced decision since if I went home I would be very limited in what sort of treatments I could do because of financial issues. Yes, I'm whining. Sorry.
Other than just general stress, not much is going on. I haven't been getting out much the last few couple of weeks but I haven't been spending much money on unnecessary stuff either so I suppose thats good.
So, I suppose I should stop whining and stressing now. I'm really doing ok. Just maybe a bit down. And by tomorrow afternoon, hopefully I will be feeling much better.

The Wonders of Medications

And I'm not talking about the good stuff. I'm talking about the Cl*mid. I noticed hot flashes several times last night and a tendency for my voice to get that bitchiness tone to it. I apologized to one person because of that bitchy tone. Then today I had planned to get up this afternoon and go for my daily walk and when I finally crawled out of bed at 5pm I could not motivate myself to go any farther than my chair. Not sure if this is the Cl*mid but I'll blame it anyways. I just had no energy at all. I still don't have much. I suppose it could also be the night shift stuff. I am so ready to be done with night shift and done with being away from home. I find myself hoping and constantly thinking about how badly I want this try to work so that I will know I'm not far off from going home. I talked to a friend the other day who went by my house and said my new windows look great. I had purchased new windows for my house when I went home in July and they finally just got installed last week. I did this because my house was built in 1955 and the windows were all original. On the front of the house I had 4 large picture windows that didn't open and since the house faces south, it gets really hot inside in the summer. So I wanted to replace those and had several other windows on the back that were cracked and also replaced those. I wish I could see my windows. Oh well, I will go home soon and see my windows and if I have my baby it will all be worth it. Now I think I will watch some TV and maybe go back to bed.

Just Another Friday And Finally A Meme

Well the appointment with the gynecologist is done and over with too. And in an effort to make a good impression, I refrained from decorating me hoohaa although I liked the idea of artful trimming in the shape of a smiley. That would have been good. So the appointment went well. I talked to her about my trying to get pregnant and she asked who I was working with and I told her. She said he has a good reputation and that they would happily follow me once I was pregnant. We talked about my medications and she seemed ok with those for now. We discussed switching me to Z*loft when I'm pregnant as that is the preferred anti depressant, also that my BP med is fine. My BP was awesome at 112/72. Whoohoo. I wonder if maybe the exercise is helping already. I've been doing better about making myself go out for a walk every day. Nothing was said really about my weight although it was even higher than normal. I haven't been taking my diuretic lately and my feet are puffy. She did warn that would get worse. I suppose I need some compression stockings. Yay. She did recommend I get a baseline mammogram (yuck) prior to getting pregnant if I could. I'll have to see. If this cycle works, that likely won't. She thought this was a good plan because of my age, my unknown family history (I'm adopted so I have no idea if I have a family history of breast cancer) and since if I do get pregnant and if I breast feed it could be close to 2 years before I get a mammogram. One more thing to torture my body with.
Now, on to the meme I was tagged with on Monday that I haven't gotten a chance to do yet. So here it is.

Job's I've Had
1. Nurse
2. Phlebotomist
3. Nurses aide/home health aide
4. Worked at Target for 6 years and while I worked there I worked almost every area of the store.

Places I've Lived
I need way more spaces than 4 but here are 4.
Fresno and Chico, California
Spokane, Washington
Great Falls, Montana
Portland, Oregon

Foods I love
Pizza
Safeway's China Express Deli sweet and sour chicken and fried rice.
Zips cheeseburgers
My spaghetti sauce

Places I would rather be
Home
Pismo Beach
Cannon Beach
Seattle

Movies I love
Sweet Home Alabama
Must Love Dogs
Mannequin
Love Affair

TV Shows I watch
CSI
NCIS
ER
Without a trace

Books I love
Anything by Dean Koontz
The cat who books by Lillian Jackson Braun
Harry Potter books (I'm actually a little blue that I finished these the other day and am missing them.
The Stand

HSG Is Done

Thank goodness. I think the fear building up to it was one of the worst parts. That and the stupid speculum. Holy cow that was more uncomfortable than anything. When the Dr. first threaded the catheter in I had major cramping but it only lasted for about 30 seconds. I did utter "wow, they really should give you something stronger than ibuprofen for this" but then the cramping stopped and it was back to the speculum being drastically uncomfortable. I remember one doctor telling me once that it amazed her how many other doctors forgot that those things come in more than one size. Ain't that the truth. I never really felt the dye being injected and as soon as they pulled the speculum out, I felt fine. No problems, tubes are clear etc. I had been warned about the not having sex part (yeah right, like I haven't gotten any in so long it's not even funny and I'm going to run right out before the HSG and have sex) and had also been asked to do a HPT this morning before going to the doctor. I lied about that one. I wasn't going to go waste 5-6 dollars on a pregnancy test when there is no chance I'm pregnant. I am glad that I found someone to switch with for tonights shift though as I wouldn't have gotten very much sleep at all and that wouldn't have been fun. Also the cost thing wasn't too bad. I paid 425.00 for the HSG so I can handle that. I was worried they would come back and say it was over a thousand (I think I've seen that others have paid this much) and so I was ok with 425.00. It was kind of funny as the doctor was explaining the HSG to me and I indicated that I had a pretty good idea what it was from friends online. He asked about chat boards and I said yes and blogging. He asked if there would be thousands tonight reading about my HSG. Well I don't know about thousands but heck yeah I'm going to blog about my HSG and any other freaky thing that goes on in my life. So far no problems really with the clomid. However last time, I didn't start having problems until after I was done taking it and that was when the hot flashes set in. So for those who have had Dr. assisted IUI's. Does the IUI cause cramping also when the tread the catheter up into the uterus to inject the sperm??
So tomorrow I have an appointment with the gynecologist for a PAP. yippee. I realized last night that there have been an awful lot of people this week looking at my hoohaa. Hmm. Maybe I should fancy it up a bit. Maybe some barbie glitter hairspray would add a nice touch to my appointment tomorrow.

My Date With The Dildo Cam

Ok so I started typing this out yesterday and then my internet connection booted me off which meant that I had to restart my computer which I just didn't have the energy to deal with so I went to bed instead. And slept from 6pm last night until 11:30 am this morning with only about a half hour break in there to grab a snack. So anyways, here's my date with the dildo cam. Who knew Mr. Dildo cam was into quickies. Maybe I should have become an ultrasound tech. Because I paid 70.00 for a scan that took maybe, MAYBE 3 minutes. 7 minutes if you count the time I took getting undressed and waiting for the tech to come back in. Not that I'm complaining really about the 70.00 as I was sort of thinking it was going to end up being more. I'm ok with less. Less is good. Scan is good, no cysts, lining is where it should be on CD 5, no problems noted. I left the office with a prescription in hand for my Cl*mid. My 100mg per day for 5 days Cl*mid. Yikes. Last time I took 50 and by the time I did ovulate I felt as if there were bowling balls running around in there. Not to mention the hot flashes from Hell. This ought to be fun. Then since I was out of my BP medication and I have no idea when it will arrive since I ordered it from the mail order pharmacy 9 days ago and it still isn't here, I went to the urgent care to get a refill to hold me over until it arrives. First the doctor tells me it's no big deal to just skip it. What?? Well, it's bad for your body and all but hey. So after an hour wait I finally left urgent care with a prescription in hand for my BP med also. I went to T*rget to fill meds but they said they were just leaving to go on lunch. At this point I had been awake for 24 hours and was getting way sleepy and a tiny bit crabby so I grabbed my prescriptions and left, heading for C*stco to fill them instead. I went in and handed over my prescriptions hoping this would be fairly quick, she said 30 minutes. About 45 minutes later they were finally ready, I paid and was leaving when I noticed that my BP med isn't in the bag. So I go back to the pharmacy and was told that they had put that one on hold since my insurance said they had just refilled it. I somewhat calmly explained that I had not received it yet and didn't care if I had to pay for it but I needed the med right away. At this time I'm thinking about how much better off I would have been to just do a bit of self medication and take the cats heart medicine again. Just think, I could have been in bed by noon instead of sitting in Costco at 3 in the afternoon. Finally I had everything filled and was on my way home.
So, Cl*mid is on board, and so far nothing as far as side effects go. I know, it's early. And I'm back to work tonight. Tomorrow is my HSG. They kept reminding me to not have sex. Yeah, I haven't had sex in like forever, I doubt I'm going to just run out and have some now. I'm taking my antibiotics (need some yogurt) and my ib*profen and will do that tomorrow. I have a scan scheduled again next Wednesday to see how follies are and information on the trigger shot in hand. They said they would be ordering that for me and I am assuming that next Wed on CD14 I will most likely be triggering. I ordered super spermies today and they will definitely be available by next week. So it all looks good for me being in the TWW again soon.

Let The Fertilicoaster Move Out

Everyone hold on, it looks like this fertilicoaster is now moving out. I finally got a hold of the doctors office today and when they called me back this afternoon they gave me appointments. I have an appointment on Thursday at 12:45 for my HSG. That's nice, kinda like midnight for me. Oh well I suppose I will survive. I also asked about doing the Cl*mid cycle this month and so they made a date with the dildo cam for me tomorrow at 10:00. So I canceled my dentist appointment for tomorrow, I think I will try to find a different dentist. My scan is tomorrow and I should get my prescription for my Cl*mid and start taking that tomorrow which will be CD5. I got the remainder of my labs done on CD3. I had and LH, Prolactin, TSH and Type and RH drawn. That was a bit tricky. The hospital I used to work at in Spokane the lab was always open for outpatient draws. This hospital tried telling me I would need to save it for Monday and go to the outpatient lab. I explained that I couldn't wait and that it had to be drawn on Sunday and they finally did it reluctantly. So, I'm on my way. This morning I was thinking well if I have to sit out October I will be ok but was feeling blue about another month in limbo land. Then this afternoon everything is set. I just need to order super spermies and it's all a go.

Finally

It is finally CD 1. Thank goodness I was starting to get a little worried. The only downside is that by the time I woke up for the day and figured out it was CD 1 the doctors office had already closed for the day. So I will have to call them on Monday to schedule my appointments. Oh well. I also need to find a lab (probably at the hospital) where I can have my blood drawn on Sunday. So if I can get my dildo cam scan done Monday or Tuesday next week and start my Cl*mid then I'll be good to go. Which means I should make a decision on donors soon too. I'm so happy this is finally moving along. I hate feeling like I'm at a stand still.

Still Here

Well, I'm still here and AF still isn't. It's CD 30 today and still no sign of her. WTF?? I've almost always been annoyingly on time and then on a couple of the months that I actually tried getting knocked up the hag showed up early and now she is no where to be found. Did she get lost at someone elses house? I'm sorry if she did. I thought I had given her very clear directions to avoid this sort of thing. I'm still hoping she will show tonight or something.
I went to the fair yesterday but it was still a little overly warm to be out walking around in the sun, or at least it was for me. It was about 85 and it didn't seem like there were that many exhibits. I finally got bored and came home. I didn't even eat much. Just a corn dog and a few sweet potato fries which weren't that good. I forgot to get some cotton candy and I decided to skip the fried twinkies.
To answer a few questions from my comments on my last post, no B I wasn't actually having sex with the witches, they were doing something without actually touching me that was positively amazing. Can't explain it. Still really like guys. And as far as sleep goes I usually take an older anti depressant for sleep but I can't really take it just once in a while as it doesn't work well that way, it needs to build up in your body and I can't take it while I'm TTC as it's not safe. I also can't take Benadryl or any other sort of sleep aid medication including prescription ones as they all have the exact opposite effect on me and totally wire me like crazy. I tried a prescription one once and didn't sleep for like 2 days. The interesting part of that is that I can drink a big soda with caffeine and go right to sleep no problem. Go figure.
Well back to work tonight. For the next 3 nights actually and then off one and on one. I hate those off one things. Oh well. I'll post if/when AF actually shows. Have a great weekend everyone.

The Dentist Is Brutal

Oh my god, I thought the man was trying to drown me!!!! And my mouth hurts like hell and all they did was clean my teeth. You know how they have that pick thing that they scrap your teeth with, well he had one hooked to a motor that vibrated and he used that. It also sprayed a fairly large amount of water in my mouth and the tech wasn't doing a very good job of suctioning. I was so tense I think my ass was the only thing touching the chair and the dick kept telling me to relax and just breath. Yeah, with water running down my throat. Good idea. I'm so looking forward to going back and having my 2 fillings done. Not much else going on. When it cools down a bit I will go for a walk again. I went about 2 miles yesterday and felt good, except the blister as I wore the wrong shoes. Won't do that again. It's nice though getting out and doing something. Still no AF. Hag. When I want her to be early of course she isn't. More vivid dreams, these were somewhat better. I dreamed once I was pregnant, then I dreamed I was with my daughter at P*smo Beach. She was about 1-2 years old and I was showing her sand dollars. Then I dreamed I had a son who was about 8-9 but I can't remember what he was doing. And milkmaid you're right I have some really odd ones. A couple weeks ago I dreamed that I joined a group of witches and had the most amazing sex ever. I liked that one a bit. And yes B I was a bit unnerved and unsettled most of the day yesterday after my yucky Armageddon dream. The really big down side of the whole dream thing for me is that when I dream I'm not in a deep sleep and so when I dream all night that means I'm not getting much sleep.

Just Another Manic Monday

Can I get in trouble for using that title?? Hope not. Remember that song?? Shows how old I am huh. Well I had last night off and I slept all day yesterday and then half the night last night. I did manage to nap for a couple of hours today but am a little worried that I will get too tired tonight at work. And I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 11. Yuck!! Oh well. I am thinking that the fair here starts on Wednesday so I may go to the fair that day. I love fairs. I like to look at the craft stuff and the animals etc. So much fun. I'm waiting on ol AF still. I wish she would hurry the hell up and get here. For once I'm wishing for her. I know she technically isn't due until tomorrow but still. And with my sucky schedule for the next week or so I'm supposed to fit in an HSG somewhere and a CD3 scan. Goody. That will probably mean a night at work with not enough sleep. I will survive but I really had hoped to do that stuff on a day off. Oh well. It will all be worth it in the end. Lots of weird dreams lately. Last night I actually had one of those Armaggedon dreams I've heard B mention before. It's been a while since I've had one of those. I also dreamed a couple of days ago that I had gotten my tongue pierced and offered to demonstrate it's uses for my ex. oooh, yuck. I don't pick this stuff, it picks me.