Back To Work Tomorrow??

I don't know really. I stopped by the hospital today to fax my time card and the house supervisor said they were still way below normal census. Interesting. The weather here was another gorgeous day. Sorry Kami. I keep hearing from a friend how much snow is there and I have to say, not missing it one bit. I've been trying to pretty much stay out of the sun though for the last two days so I haven't went out to do much. My chin is now peeling and looks so lovely. Not really super painful anymore but itchy and making me nuts.
In answer to a question about being upset if I'm an aunt, no I'm ok with it. When sis told me I was sad, I had a bit of a hard time processing it at first but once I got used to the idea of it I was ok with it. Also it sort of takes the focus off me a bit in my mom and her efforts to bring us back to the faith. I don't know how much I will get to see my niece or be around her though since my sister lives in Minnesota. I haven't seen her since my mom got remarried in 2002 which was the worst experience of my life I think. Not sisters fault, moms. Long story. I was thinking that maybe in May at the end of my contract taking around 4-5 days and going there so I could see my sister and the new baby since it may be the only way I get to see either of them. My sister and I used to be close but my mom tried her best to stop that and we have been rather distant for the last 10 years or so.
So much other stuff going on in my head. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do next as far as work goes. My plan so far has been to head north to Sacramento so I could try to use the same doctor Bleu uses as I'm impressed with how she describes him. I would really like to use him. However I am really enjoying it here. I like it here, a lot. Except my apartment which I don't love but for the most part I really like it here and would like to stay for at least another three months. The closest RE here is 70 miles away in Th0usand 0aks. I know that there are others who live in more rural areas of the US who have to travel to an RE but I've never had to. Then there is the whole "what's the next step" thought. I don't necessarily want to jump into another IVF right away but I don't know. I guess part of what I want is someone elses view point on what happened with the last IVF. I don't know if I would feel differently if I had just gotten an outright negative but the way things went with the bleeding before I was due for AF (while taking progesterone) feels like something that was preventable went wrong. But maybe not. Maybe it just was. I also hate to do another IVF if there is a small chance of it working because my egg quality or something. Which all leads back to the fact that I need to do a consult with an RE somewhere before I decide what is next. If I do head back into another IVF then I need to save before I do it as I am not willing to finance another IVF while I still owe on the first one. I've been doing some research on the web sites of the 2 RE's that are possibilities. One mentioned a cl0mid challenge test. Now I've heard of this before but I guess I never really looked at what it is. According to this web site, in doing the CCT they look at lab values at several points during the cycle and they can tell with what they claim as some level of accuracy if you are likely to get pregnant with your own eggs. I was wondering if anyone else had ever heard of this. I wonder if I should check into doing this. I want answers. Although I don't know if there necessarily are any. I also am torn between being anxious to get going again and feeling a bit relaxed and sort of enjoying not worrying about all of this. Basically if I knew it wouldn't have an effect on the outcome, I would likely take another 6 months off and enjoy myself.

So Stupid

I can't believe I did that. My arms that were a bit pink... Really pink now. My chin and nose are blistered. Ick. I can't believe I did that. So today I'm sort of staying out of the sun. Although I feel like going somewhere. Not sure where. I also uploaded my pics to print last night and all I can say is that I need to not wait 6 months to do that since I have over $65 in pics to print. Oh well.
I just talked to my little sister. I'm an aunt. She said our mom is giving her a hard time and really pushing her to get married now. Mom says she can't tell others about the baby etc because Sis isn't married. Whatever. That whole religion thing is just nuts. Mom was apparently really upset my sis wouldn't run down to the justice of the peace at 8 months a make it legal.
Anyways, not much going on. I just feel like an idiot for not doing the sunblock yesterday. Now I'm hurting.

Oh My!

Whales and dolphins and sea lions. I had a fantastic day. I took a whale watching cruise of the coast of Santa Barbara and it was amazing. I saw one grey whale which I was never able to get much of a picture of. We went through a pod of common dolphins which the guide said was about 600 dolphins. Got plenty of pics there. Then we saw a humpback whale and I managed to get some pretty cool pics of that too. Did I mention that I LOVE my new camera?? I do. Of course I took over a hundred pics and then came home and deleted close to half but I still got some awesome pics. I'm uploading them to flickr as I type right now so anyone who wants to can go take a look. It was really a fantastic trip. Of course I'm a ding bat though. I have fair skin. Very fair skin. And yet for the life of me I can never seem to remember to wear sunblock. I just don't get why I always forget that. My arms are a bit pink. And my face matches my shirt. Oops. Actually I did think that I was getting sunblock on my face since I thought my moisturizer had sunblock but it didn't. Oops. Yes I know, the whole skin cancer thing. That I'm practically certain to get since I've done the blistering sun burn so many times in my life it's not even funny. I do keep a very close eye on my skin though and frequently ask the doc to look at various moles I have.
I never did get called in to work last night and I loved it. I went to bed at 11:30pm and slept all night and was up and ready to go this morning.

Again?

Another night off?? Maybe. They called again today at about 6:15 and put me on standby (means I have to keep my phone handy and they can call me in) like last night. She thought she may be able to take me off standby by 11pm and just give me the night off. Ok. This is really odd. I've never been at a hospital that does this. The travelers always work. Oh well. I went back and took another walk on the beach without the camera this time. It's so pretty out. I really like it here. A lot. I don't like how expensive things are and the no Tar*get/Wal*mart but I like it here. I love the weather. Anyways, I think I may watch another movie. Oh, and I have the next 3 nights scheduled off.

Two Day Work Week

I never did get called in to work last night. Kind of nice. I sat up reading until about 3:30 then went to bed. I do have to work tonight but then I have a 3 day weekend. JP, usually I don't get called off either. This is the first time this has happened as a traveler. We are usually the very last ones called off because they do have to pay us regardless. It was nice to have that extra night off.
The pics I took last night are on my flickr page, link at the side below my blog list.

Cancelled and An Update

Work just called. Told me I don't have to come in tonight, or at least not yet. I'm still on call so if the ER gets slammed that could change I suppose. They said that their census dropped dramatically and they don't need me. I'm pretty much good with this. While I'm hoping they don't decide they need me at like 3 am but otherwise more than happy to skip tonight. Especially since they still have to pay me!! And no I'm not going to offer to make this shift up since I can't fill in on Friday as I have an eye doctor appointment and I'm not going to work Saturday and screw up my weekend. So maybe I should go to the beach and play with my camera.
So I just got home from G0leta Beach Park and from taking some pictures with my new camera and I love it. I forgot to tell everyone what I got. I got a Nik0n D40x and it came with 2 different lenses. The one lens seems to do pretty good (or much better than my old camera) with scenery and long distance shots. I took some pictures but it was right at sunset so it was getting dark and I didn't get to many. Our beach is a south facing beach so I can't get any actual sunset over the water pictures. I'm uploading them to my picture page now.
I also had a question for others who use flikr. I have the free service and I have no problems uploading the photos but would like to organize them into albums etc which I can only do if I pay for the service. I've looked at other services and I can make albums etc with snapfish since I'm a comcast customer but can't figure out how to share all that like I do with flikr. I can e-mail out a link but not link to a page or at least that is what I have figured so far. Does anyone know of another program that works better than flikr or has anyone paid for flick and do they really like that portion??

Amazing

It's amazing what a couple of vicodin and a good solid 10 hours of sleep will do for a person.
I feel so much better. Cramps are gone as is the headache. Still bleeding like crazy but oh well I suppose. It's kind of funny though. My body is regular. Incredibly regular. Annoyingly regular. I've heard others talk about waiting for extended periods of time after a miscarriage for AF to show up. So me knowing that I can't TTC for a while anyways, thought "hey, maybe I'll get a break from it." Nope. Good old regular shows up right on schedule. Oh well.
Otherwise, I'm really doing good. I am. I don't freak out anymore at the site of babies or pregnant women, still that little pang of sadness but I can hold it together. Yes I do mostly try not to spend to much time thinking about or dwelling on the whole TTC thing as then the just sitting around and waiting will drive me crazy but for now I'm good. I'm enjoying the beautiful weather here (most of the time anyways) and the scenery. Did I mention that on Saturday I went and walked around the court house here in Santa B*arbara? It's truly a beautiful building and I took pictures but I really don't think my camera did it much justice. Haha, I just realized what I typed. Yesterday I didn't really do anything as I didn't feel good and I was going to go on a whale watching trip today but that didn't really happen. I went this morning to go get my new camera and the only one they had was the display model. I thought about going ahead and buying it, or actually did buy it but then they showed me that the cover had been off where the lens went and it was all dusty etc inside. So I asked for my money back. Then I drove to the C0stc0 in San*ta Mar*ia to get the camera. Totally the opposite direction from the whale watching. Now I have my camera and I need to figure out how it works before I take it out hoping to get pictures of whales. So maybe this weekend.
I like SB but am ready to move on to a place where I can find a good doctor. I have to believe that somehow this will work. Not sure how or when, but it has to. I refuse to think about what if it doesn't.

I See Spot

And the little fucker brought his friend Aunt Flo. And boy is she bitchy.
Ok so the cramping and bleeding that never really happened with the miscarriage has finally hit. I haven't had cramps like this in months. Oh and the headache to go along with it which I hardly ever get anymore. Except today. Goody. Now I think I'll go to bed. And then get up this afternoon and go buy me a new camera.

To Spend or To Save

Ok so I'm having a great day. The weather is amazing, it's 75 degrees and beautiful out. I went downtown Santa Barbara today and walked around and shopped a bit. Not a lot but some. I found a baby/kid clothing shop that was fantastic and fantastically expensive. I picked up a cute little t-shirt that was $71, no I didn't buy it, I just picked it up and looked at it before quickly putting it back down. Yikes. I did find a really cute book there though about a baby bat that got separated from it's mother. Since I love bats I had to buy it. Of course she pointed out that they had a "flying" stuffed bat to go with the book and of course I ended up buying that too. I'm so bad. Upside is that I like it enough that even if I never manage to get pregnant, I can justify keeping it. I also went and walked around the court house here and I have to say the architecture is absolutely amazing. The building is beautiful. I took some pictures but my little camera just doesn't do it much justice. Which leads me to the to spend or not to spend.
I want a new camera. A good camera that takes really good pictures. All the pics that Rachel and Tracey posts on their blogs and seeing their cameras gave me a bit of camera envy. So I keep thinking how much I want a good camera. And see the thing is that I really could afford it right now. Between my tax refund that I got, my holiday bonus that I hadn't gotten yet but should be getting very soon and that goofy economic stimulus payment thing we are supposed to be getting, the cost of a good camera isn't totally out of range. Hell it's not totally out of range anyways. But I feel guilty to think of spending that much money when I should be saving my money for IF related stuff like another round or two of IVF.

Officially Frustrated

Well officially the cyst is now 4.5cm by 5cm. Not exactly shrunk as much as I'd like. What was even more frustrating and annoying was the response by the doctor of you'll need another ultrasound in 3 months to see how it looks. Crap. I so don't like that choice, can I see what's behind door number 2???? She did not explain what kind of cyst it is although I am going to assume it's just your regular garden variety, my ovaries were pumped full of hormones for IVF type of cyst. I was told my uterus looks fine. Well I suppose that's good. I also asked again about the BCP's. She states that BCP's do not shrink cysts, they simply prevent the body from ovulating and therefore creating more cysts. However I've heard differently from several of you about the role of BCP's and cysts. My question is what type of BCP's. I have some left over from my suppression stage of my IVF. Will those work?? Otherwise K I think I'll take you up on the offer of your extras. I'm also thinking a few other things. The diagnostic ultrasound I had the other day was yes more in depth than the ones I used to get at the RE's office as it was looking at things in detail but for future follow up I don't necessarily need detail. Although I'm not sure what of this my insurance will cover I'm willing to bet that going to the RE's for an ultrasound would be much cheaper than the diagnostic one. Also I just want to know if it's still there or if it's gone. Therefore it might be worth it to go back to Fresno in a month or so for that last follow up appointment and see if I can get an ultrasound out of the deal too. See even though I'm ok with waiting to TTC until June, I'm not really big on the idea of just sitting here hoping that by June this damn thing will be gone. I also tried to talk to her about RE's in the area and her first and adamant response was "No one will touch you until that thing is gone." Yes I know this but before I decide if I want to stay in SB I would really like to find out if it's worth it and if I had a chance at a doctor. Turns out I was right, the only one is 70 miles away and yes I would have to go there for monitoring. So I'm definitely leaning towards leaving here in May even though I'm starting to enjoy it more here. Now to start working on figuring out for sure where and getting a new contract lined up.

A Star, or Maybe Not

So I had fantasies about being the star patient. That my cyst or whatever the hell it was would be all gone when I went to the ultrasound today. Hell, I've been feeling better and not feeling the cyst really anymore. Yeah, so much for my fantasies. I always seem to get it wrong. All the doctor would say was "Well it's a little smaller". Shit. Oh well. I guess this means I am definitely taking at least another month off from TTC. Oh and the really fun part, I got distracted and didn't start drinking my water early enough for a full bladder for the exam. So I drank 2 liters of water in about 20 minutes right before the exam. To late. Doctor complained about my bladder being empty (yeah whatever, my definition of empty and his must be different) and now I will likely spend the entire afternoon getting up out of bed to go pee. Which reminds me I need to go again.

Better

I'm doing a bit better. I'm still feeling lonely but mostly not as sad. I've sort of taken a break from life the last few days which has been helpful. I haven't turned on my computer since I think Wednesday or Thursday which isn't that long but since I usually am checking in on my blog several times a day it's a difference for me. I've buried myself in books which has always been sort of a therapy for me since I don't spend much time dwelling on my stuff. I've worked but other than that I've been fairly unproductive. Work was a little better this week. I was on one unit all week which is interesting since I'm supposed to be float pool and so far I haven't floated all that much. The floor I've been on this week has been a bit nicer and much more helpful which has been nice.
This morning I had to take my girlies to the vet for a check up since that bitchy lady I went to in Fresno had only given me 6 months of heart medication. I found a clinic here that specializes in cats so I picked them. It was a good choice. The vet was wonderful, she didn't insist I do a bunch of lab tests and gave me a new prescription with a years worth of medicine. She also recommended a new diet for them which I'm guessing is going to cost an arm and a leg. She also talked to me about some homeopathic remedies for their heart stuff and for Sara's watery eye. I really liked her a lot. Then this afternoon after getting a bit of sleep I went down to the waterfront and walked on the pier. That didn't last too long as it was getting cold and windy but it is really nice down there so of course I will have to go back. I'm finding that outside of the lack of a few of my favorite conveniences I do really like it here. I like the hospital even if some of the people aren't the most friendly. It makes me feel good that they are already asking me to stay. I am thinking I would really like to stay here for the summer but with the lack of an RE I'm not sure how that will work. The closest one is 70 miles away. While part of me is ok with taking a few months off TTC part of me worries that it would be a bad delay. The whole worry of egg quality etc. Maybe on Friday after I see the Ob I will have a better idea of where the TTC journey will go next.

Here

That's it. I'm here. I am feeling better. The pain has almost disappeared so maybe I was ovulating or something. Who knows. I have an ultrasound scheduled on Tuesday of next week and then an appointment with the Ob/Gyn on Friday. Hopefully some answers. I feel sort of detached right now from everything and have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head that I can't sleep half the time. I feel like my dreams have never been farther away than they are in this moment. I don't know when I can cycle again, I don't have a doctor (RE) and I don't know what will happen at next weeks appointments. Plus I am still feeling down and a bit overwhelmed by the loneliness of what my life feels like. I have literally had nights recently where I have went to work and outside of someone telling me one of my patients was calling, not a single person I was working with spoke to me all night. That is a weird feeling. It's funny or maybe not really. This is the first time since I've been traveling that I have really started to feel not just lonely but the crushing aloneness. Of course it's also the first time I'd been off my AD's for an extended period of time in like 2 years. See with my depression history I had decided that I was really ok with it if I had to take them permanently. However the RE in Fresn0 had different ideas. So I sit here, posting feeling like I don't know what to say because it's all warped by my current outlook which makes me feel almost a little like my blog is not my own. I try to put on a happy face in my day to day life and pretend that I'm good. I have no idea if I'm convincing or not. I know, it takes several weeks for everything to even out. I know different meds don't work as well for different people. However this med has always been like a wonder pill for me in the past. For now, I read other peoples blogs but can't seem to comment as much because I have no idea what to say.

So Maybe I Won't Work

So I went to work tonight as I had been scheduled to work and found out I wasn't on the schedule. At which point I quickly offered to go home. See back when I first got to SB I had asked for Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon off so I could go to Houston. And I had been scheduled for Friday and Monday. At that time I told them that I did need Friday off but that I could work Monday if needed and we never crossed it off my schedule. But apparently they did cross it off theirs. So I wasn't on the schedule and I left. I did tell them I would work Friday night this week to make up that third day which should be fine. That will still leave me the weekend off. When I left I went to B(ed B&ath and B*eyond to see if I could find a microwave since mine died last week. They had 2. I didn't love either one of them. One was too expensive, the other too small. So instead I drove to Ven*tura to Tar*get and got one. Hopefully this one lasts longer than the other. I had bought the other back at the end of July when I was in Fresno and it already died. Anyways, I also went and picked up a few groceries and then came home. I don't know what I will do the rest of the night but oh well. I don't feel very good and I really don't feel like working. My ovary or whatever hurts. Not excruciating. But there. Which is starting to alarm me a bit since K said she had never felt her cysts. Right now it seems to be worse than last week. This could be related to me possibly ovulating?? My CM right now seems to point to that being a possibility. But I feel bloated and it hurts to bend over and it still hurts to go to the bathroom. And I'm trying really hard to ignore that part of me that tends to be a little bit of a hypochondriac that's saying "what if it's something really bad". When you combine that with the depressive voice it seems like I am forever trying to shut up some part of my psyche. I'm still waiting for the Pr0zac to really kick in. I'm not at the point where all I can do is sit and cry uncontrollably but I am at the point where I over analyze every little thing I say, do or that happens, wondering if I have offended someone, feeling like I'm all alone, no one likes me etc.
I know I mentioned it before but I really did have a great weekend and it was so fantastic to get to meet everyone finally. B&K, thanks so much for your hospitality. Your house is so cute. Marcy and Kris I'm so glad you were able to come and join in the craziness. Tracey and Deb you guys were so much fun. Cora, thanks for sharing Ethan with all of us who don't have babies yet. Aradia, Jef and Ava it was so great to meet all of you too. Ava is so cute. Deena, you are such a sweetheart. I'm so glad I got to spend some time visiting with you. It was great to get to meet Vince too, he was such a nice guy and wow, is he cute. Sara it was great to meet both you and Xander. Rachel and Jen I was so glad you were able to stop in during dinner (and Rachels mom) and we could meet you both. And Heather and Dalton, even though I didn't get to talk to you much, it was nice meeting you. Thanks everyone for a great weekend.

MAMU

Well I got back yesterday evening from Houston and a great weekend. It was so fantastic to finally get to meet some of you that I chat with in blogland and so many of you who have been such a fantastic source of support to me in the last few months. It was a great weekend. I am so glad that I finally got to meet everyone and even a new face or two. Now I've got to go get ready for work.

All in A Day's Work

Well, I made it through work ok last night. I was pretty sore by the time my shift was over but I made it. Now two more nights to go. I've got a pet sitter who will be coming in to take care of my cats while I'm gone. At least I can rest a little easier that way. It makes me nervous having someone I don't know come in but since I don't know anyone, I hired someone who seems pretty trustworthy. I hope so. Now to go get ready for my next night of work.

Pics

So yesterday I decided to go to the beach for a little while and take a walk. My theory being that I have to work 12 hours tonight and I should be able to tolerate a walk on the beach. I did, but I could definitely feel the cyst or whatever it is in there by the time I got home. Granted I feel it fairly frequently, just sort of as a pinching that comes and goes. It's been a bit more constant since yesterday but I should be able to handle work if this is as bad as it gets. Anyways, the beach was nice. It was sunny and moderately warm. Last week there were high wave warnings and there was a lot of junk on the beach like kelp etc but it was still a nice walk. I got a handful of small shells and one shell fragment that was beautiful. So here are a couple of pics I took while I was there.
These are the sandpipers I saw on the beach. A long time ago I read a story in one of the Chic*ken S0up for the S0ul books. I think it was called A sandpiper for Joy or something and I remember it being a rather sad story but whenever I see the sandpipers I think of the line A sandpiper to bring you joy. Since I felt like I needed some joy I stood and watched these guys for a while. They were very cute and funny. When the wave would go out, they would all run out, stick their head in the water and dig around for whatever it is they look for and then as another wave would come in, they would all run back in. Very cute.


This is just a shot of the beach as I was walking down it. Kind of a nice view although my camera doesn't do it much justice. I wish I had a camera that did better at scenery.

This one is of the pier at G0leta beach. There are a lot of piers I've seen in California and to me they all are neat looking but they all pretty much look the same.

Hehehehehe

Guess what I found? A bunch of Girlsc0uts, and they had cookies!!! I love girl sc0ut cookies, especially the peanut butter/chocolate ones. I thought there were called tagalogs but now they are called peanut butter patties. Whatever, I have cookies. I ventured out a bit again today. I went to get a hair cut where the very nice lady really didn't say much about how short my bangs were. Oops. Yes I got impatient this week and tried to cut my own bangs and got them a wee bit short. But hey, they'll grow, quickly too. Then I went to C0stc0 to get some bottled water and see if I could find any new books. And it still really gets uncomfortable to walk around much. I can feel the cyst or whatever and it's not comfortable. Still hurts to go the bathroom too. Sorry for the TMI but I really wish this would go away. I hate having something slow me down like this. The weather here is beautiful. There are a few clouds and the mountains are partially in the clouds which looks really cool. My camera though typically doesn't do scenery pictures very well. I haven't tried getting a pic of the mountains in the clouds yet. Still finding my way around SB. It's interesting here. I'm actually on the outskirts of SB in G0leta. There are like no drive thrus. Most of the fast food restaurants included do not have a drive thru, the bank has no drive thru. Apparently it's against the law to build any new drive thru. WTF???? In addition to the being no Wal(mart or Tar*get there is no Pa*pa Mur*phy's take and bake pizza. Minor things all, but annoying none the less. Oh well. I will survive and I suppose I will be eating much less pizza than I did in Fresno when the place was 2 blocks away. Otherwise not much going on in my world. I go back to work on Monday and I'm a bit nervous about this. Just the idea of being at work for 12 hours. I'm sure I'll be ok but I'm nervous anyways.
Oh and I did my taxes finally yesterday. All I can say is thank goodness for being able to deduct intrest on your home loan and medical expenses. I was able to deduct both and boy did that make a difference. Part of my little savings account for my next venture whatever path that may be. I had said a week or so ago that I didn't know if I wanted to do IVF again? Yeah right. I'm already trying to figure out how to afford that again.
Thursday afternoon I'm off to Houston. I'm actually getting there a little earlier than everyone else. I don't know why, sounded good at the time. Although I will get in around 8 and likely hit the motel and go to sleep. So I don't know how much I'll post this week. Hope everyone has a good week though.