Christmas!

It's almost over.  My Christmas music is almost gone for another year.  It will soon be time to put away the decorations I have out although unless I get help the tree itself may be up until March as that sucker is HEAVY.  Yes I've heard many complain that it all, music, decorations and store stocking of holiday merchandise starts to early but to me it makes me happy.  I love Christmas music even the religious sorts of songs even though I'm not remotely religious.  I just love the music. I love the lights, and the trees and the ornaments and just the overall beauty of the season.  Some of the greediness, impatience, crabbiness etc, not so much.  I also have to admit that I have a bit of ambivalence to the day itself. 
When I left the JW faith the first couple of Christmases were made incredibly special by some very wonderful people that were my chosen family at that time in my life. As time passed and I moved to be closer to my mom and tried to return to her chosen faith in an effort to retain a relationship with her I stepped away from Christmas.  That was so hard for me since I so truly loved all of my decorations.  Many years later I did get some of them back from a friend who had kept them safe for me.  The one thing I never have gotten back and I had thought for sure I kept but apparently I didn't was a picture of my first Christmas tree ever.  I kid you not, this tree was ridiculously huge and round. It was bigger than my friend's car, we had to bend the top to get it in the apartment.  It was so funny and I loved that tree that took up the entire living room.  That year I had a friend and her young son living with me as they had to quickly move away from their home for safety leaving much of the belongings behind.  My friend who had assisted in bringing home my tree decided with her family that they would "adopted" us and made sure there was a mass of presents under the tree Christmas morning for all 3 of us.  This is a gesture that I know I will never ever forget. 
At that time I wanted big holiday parties.  I wanted a big house with a house full of people to all celebrate together.  I dreamed about the day I would have kids to share Christmas with.  See as a kid I had never really felt like I was missing out on much with Christmas.  I got presents year round so that wasn't an issue and it was pushed pretty effectively that it was bad to see the decorations as pretty, Santa was a lie and all the practices surrounding the holiday were lies as well.  According to mom Satan wanted us to see them as pretty so we'd want to participate.  So I spent the holiday season trying to ignore the decorations because I didn't want to be "BAD".
Since then I refuse to believe that seeing the beauty in the season makes me bad although I now feel more like there was a lot of the beauty and magic I missed out on.  I enjoy my decoration, music and my holiday even though I don't participate in the religious side of the whole holiday.  My relationship with religion is a whole other post and probably even something that I need to still be seeing a therapist for. 
Most of the leads to my love for decorating for the holidays.  I can't wait to put up lights and trees and pull out the ornaments and all the decorations that I have. Let me tell you folks, I have A LOT of Christmas decorations. Most of my ornaments have a story that go with them that I remember every year when I take them out of their boxes. Just opening all those boxes is so much fun.  I just tell people I was Christmas deprived.  The sort of strange thing is, the day itself tends to be sort of anticlimactic? I don't know if that's the right word but the day itself often leaves me a little blue.  I usually don't have much of a celebration.  Working in health care I often get one of the major holidays off a year and given a choice I'd prefer to have Thanksgiving.  If I'm going to decorate my house for Christmas I want to be home to enjoy my decorations! And if I'm going to be in California at Christmas and away from my chosen family I'd really just as soon be at work on that day making some extra money and letting those who have family to celebrate with be home.  Plus I'm a little weird about spending the holidays with people I don't know.  I hugely appreciated that people invited me over for their celebrations but I'm really uncomfortable being around a large group of people I don't know.  So I'd mostly just stay home, hence it's better to work than stay home and feel lonely. 
This year I was so sure I had it all figured out.  I knew I was working Thanksgiving since I would be off pretty much all of December and January.  My surgery Therefore I would be going home for Christmas.  I was excited.  Then recovery ended up being so much worse than anticipated.  About a week or so after surgery my chosen mom asked me please not to come.  She was worried that it was too much for me physically and she was probably right.  So I did stay home.  Several people did offer me to attend their celebrations which I declined.  The whole unknown people thing.  A neighbor was cooking (borrowed several cooking dishes) and offered to bring me a plate which I accepted.  Yesterday she asked if I just wanted to come over instead and I said I would as I felt bad asking her to bring me over food.  Then she mentioned friends coming and I cringed.  Of course it all went fine.  Everyone was nice I was able to carry on a conversation and not feel overwhelmed by being surrounded by unknown people.  Helped that there were only 2 unknown people there.  After dinner and visiting for a while I came home claiming the need for a nap. 
I am appreciative of the invites.  All of them.  The one I accepted and the ones I refused.  I'm also a little sad that I couldn't be with my chosen family.  I'm also a little sad that it may always be like this.  Again, I'm ok with and have made peace with the decision that I will never give birth to a child.  I haven't necessarily ruled out adoption but right now for various reasons I'm not really open to the option either.  I know I have a lot of friends and chosen family who care about me yet at times I still feel so very alone.  I can also accept or own that often that aloneness is my own choosing.  Maybe its a bit of a stubbornness that if I can't have things they way I want them that I'll just stay home and do nothing. 
And maybe I'm just a goofy hormonal mess thanks to an instant surgically induced menopause.  I'm guessing tomorrow will be just fine.  Tonight I'm just going to snuggle my kitties, maybe turn on the fire, turn off the lights, look at my Christmas tree and be happy and thankful for what I do have which I know is a lot and so much more than many.  I do know that.  Sometimes though the sad just wants to move in for a bit. 
For the record I did just receive a call from my chosen mom and it did wonders for cheering up me up and I'm already feeling a whole lot better than I was an hour ago when I started this post.
I hope everyone has had a wonderful day.  Happy Christmas All!

Recuperation

Recuperation from surgery is still moving along.  I'm doing better and not using as much pain medicine but I am still needing the pain medicine.  I'm ok with this.  Receiving a lecture from an aquaintance about becoming dependent on the medications etc and how I need to tough it out I wasn't so ok with.  I'm 2.5 weeks out from surgery.  Having a huge muscle spasm in my hip where I can hardly walk tells me I need to take my Valium which I haven't had since 7:30 this morning.  Not that I need to tough it out.  Then maybe I'm just moody and annoyed easily.  Bad part is that I'm limited in what I can take.  I can't take ibuprofen after the gastric bypass.  I have problems with tramadol if I take it too often it cross reacts with my prozac.  So I've been trying to be careful and the lecture highly irritated me.
I've still got swelling but it is thankfully going down.  I feel like I have to pee constantly. I think this is a combination of having so much extra fluid my body is trying to get rid of and just all the manipulation that happened in there and my bladder is a little annoyed.  My girly bits are still rather swollen too although they aren't purple any longer which is nice.  I haven't had many menopause symptoms.  I've had a few hot flashes but then I was having those occasionally before surgery.  More often than not I'm cold. Like freezing, wearing 5 layers of clothing freezing.  It's all rather odd for me.  I did also have a low grade temp for a few days so the doctor put me back on antibiotics.  When I picked them up the pharmacist was very careful to point out that this antibiotic is very hard on the digestive system flora and to eat yogurt or take acidofilous. I've been doing the acidofilous anyways but it sort of struck me about how patients in the hospital are treated.  I've given this antibiotic to patients before. I've never reminded them it's good to eat yogurt or they'll have severe diarrhea.  I've never had the doctors order any sort of meds or supplements to counteract what the antibiotic is going to cause.  Makes me realize even more how it seems we only half way treat the patient.  Or we treat the patient but we don't assist with the side effects that come with the treatment.  Not very holistic care.  
I've had friends telling me I'm doing too much.  In some cases this has in fact been true and the reminders have been appreciated.  I'm also hugely appreciative of so many of my friends from work.  I am horrible at asking for help.  I hate asking for help. I've had friends offer and insist on giving me rides to Dr. appointments, take me shopping, go shopping for me, offer to drive me around and just generally be hugely helpful. They've offered to help me clean my house (I've declined as that just doesn't seem fair to ask). Heck one friend even offered to come over and shave my legs for me as they are rather uncomfortable to reach. 
Overall I'm doing really good.  Not as good as I had hoped but then I was completely unrealistic in what I had hoped my recuperation would be.  I had hoped/planned to fly home for Christmas.  It's really expensive but I was still trying to swing it.  My chosen mom finally asked me not to.  She pointed out that she really did want to see me but that she really felt I wasn't well enough for travel yet and honestly, she's right.  Could I have managed? Probably.  However I likely would have felt like shit in the process. So I'm planning a nice quiet Christmas at home with the cats and hopefully a good book.  A neighbor has offered to bring over a plate of food for me which will be nice since lately I hate cooking and if it takes more than 2 minutes it's probably not happening.  So, that's what's going on here.  I hope everyone out there has a Merry Christmas!

All Done

Goodbye to the ovaries and tubes
Goodbye to the uterus of doom
Goodbye to tampons, pads and period panties,
Goodbye to days of raging insanity.
Goodbye to the big flap of skin and fat,
Not a one of you will we missed even a little!

Yes, my surgery is done. As a matter of fact it's been almost 2 weeks.  I don't know if it's because the previous two procedures I did were laparoscopic and therefore fairly easy recovery or what but the recovery for this has been brutal. There's been a lot of outright pain and a lot of discomfort.  Both are improving.  I left the hospital on the second day after surgery (haha after me swearing I was going to do everything I could to get out after one night) with 3 tubes.  I had two JP drains to drain tissue fluid from around the incision and a supra pubic catheter.  The catheter was for bladder training.  I had a bladder suspension and there was swelling etc so the idea was to pee and then empty the bladder with the catheter.  Once the catheter was putting out significantly less than my body was, it could come out.  It came out last Tuesday thank goodness because it was the most uncomfortable of the 3 tubes.  The JP drains had to be draining less than 30ml (1oz) of fluid in a 24 hour period before they came out.  One of them came out on Friday, I'm hoping the other will come out tomorrow.  I'm still swollen every where.  According to the scale I've gained weight which is depressing.  I have a scar from one hip bone to the other.  I'm thinking some sort of tattoo may be in order there eventually.  I've been cold almost continuously since I got home where cracks me up since I'm usually overly warm.  I've slept. A LOT! All pretty normal I guess.  I'm fine with my decision and so freaking happy that I will never again have another freaking period.
My plan B that I sort of devised several years ago when I was contemplating being done TTC is pretty much in effect.  I have a lot I want to do this year.  I'd like to travel some.  I'm hoping to make it to Hawaii this year since I've never been there.  Eventually (maybe not this year though) I will be getting rid of Scooby (my sensible subaru family car) and I plan to get myself a mini cooper.  A convertible.  Once I finish my bachelors degree in nursing I will decide where I want to live although honestly there are a lot of things that I like about Fresno.  Who knows.  I just know that things look great from here on out.  At least once the pain in my abdomen is gone and I stop freezing!

Here I Go!

So I'm one week away from surgery.  Next Wednesday is the big day.  I'm a little nervous over the idea of the pain involved and staying in the hospital.  I hate staying overnight in the hospital as I have a hard time sleeping there.  I have 3 different surgeons and they are telling me 3 different things for length of stay.  A lot of friends keep telling me to not go home too early etc.  I understand what they are saying but I also know that if I'm going to be miserable where ever I am I'd prefer to be miserable at home.  At least at home I can actually sleep. I suppose I'll wait and see. 
Reading other blogs this morning I did catch a hint of wistfulness at someone's pregnancy symptoms, remembering how much I once yearned for each and every one of those symptoms but really my overall feeling is one of relief.  Relief that there won't be anymore pain each month to endure either physical or emotional.  I used to observe my body each month gearing up for ovulation and see this as a positive sign.  Of course I could get pregnant! My body ovulates regularly so of course it will be no problem was my mind set for years.  Then my body proved me wrong.  I ended up feeling a bit like my body was taunting me each month by pretending to work effectively.  Yesterday I just laughed at seeing that desired egg white mucous and told my ovaries they were being evicted.  When it all comes down to it, I have no desire to ever go through the emotional roller coaster ride of IF treatments.  I have no desire to ever again spend that much money on a gamble or a maybe. If I'm going to spend that much money I want something to show for it dammit.  I'm excited as hell about never again having a fucking period.  I'm looking forward to travel, sleeping when I want, spending my money and time how I want and having a wide open future full of possibilities ahead. 
I have my cats who are my fur babies.  I miss having a dog immensely but also know that my situation for a dog right now is not ideal.  With my work schedule and living in an apartment it wouldn't be easy for a dog.  Someday.  Someday I'll get another dog.  For now I enjoy the hell out of my cats and the babies at work who will always be babies and then coming home to uninterrupted sleep. 
Now to just get through next week.

Approved

It always seems that I get a comment to an old post that reminds me I haven't updated here for a while.  So, here I am updating again.  The panniculectomy was approved by insurance and I'm scheduled for the first week of December.  I had seen one of the nurse practitioners in my Ob's office when I posted last and told her I wanted the hysterectomy and she had me make an appointment with the doctor for consult/follow up.  My doctor had a new partner and I was asked if I wanted to see her.  I specifically said no I didn't want to see her.  She has just finished her residency in June and I'm familiar with her when she worked at the hospital that I work at.  She wasn't very polite to the nurses and basically I just didn't care for her.  So a few weeks ago I showed up for my appointment and she walks in to the room.  She also proceeded to treat me like I was an absolute freaking idiot.  She went so far as to get out the color diagram of what a uterus looks like to show me where my fibroid was while saying several times that the fibroid was "ONLY 2CM".  In other words, it couldn't possibly be causing me pain.  She came in with her mind made up that she knew what was best and I would follow her instructions.  I got up and walked out of the room. I stopped at the desk and informed them that I had made an appointment to see my doctor, not her and rescheduled. By the time I got home the office had called me back and my doctor got on the phone and tried to placate me and yet also back her up as well.  He was basically condescending, told me they don't do hysterectomies with panniculectomies (to which I responded that the plastic surgeon stated she does them all the time), talk about clean and dirty surgery (any time anything is done with the bowel it's a dirty surgery which really confused me since neither of them should be doing anything with my bowel etc) and basically was a polite asshole.  So after thinking it over a bit more I decided to get another opinion and switch doctors.  I made an appointment with another doctor that several coworkers have mentioned really liking.  The appointment was supposed to be for tomorrow but the office kept trying to get me in sooner and finally did manage to do so which was great.  I saw the new doc last week and he was fabulous.  He listened to me, asked me why, examined me and my chart and then sat and told me what all of my options were.  After discussing I confirmed that I did want the hysterectomy and so that is now scheduled as well.  There will be a bit of maneuvering to get all the necessary parties together and I may end up changing the date but this is all happening.  It's a huge relief.  I just purchased on Friday what will hopefully be my last ever box of tampons.  New doc also did an endometrial biopsy which was really uncomfortable but it's done.  The other option to doing it in office was to schedule surgery time and do a D&C under general anesthesia which I really didn't want to do.  The worst part was that he had a hard time getting into my uterus as my cervix wasn't a straight path and so it was a really intense cramping that lasted longer than for instance the HSG I did a few years ago.  Plus I was way tired after having worked all night the night before and being up half the day so I was really tensed up which didn't help.
So that's where it's at right now.  It looks like surgery will be in December which will give me Christmas off! Big plus.  Now to just try to save up for my out of pocket part.

You Know What?

I don't love school. It sort of sucks. I know in the long run it will be good to have this done but in the here and now? So not enjoying it.  I had two nights off and so far I've procrastinated getting my homework started. Yes I know, not the best practice. 
Work has been really busy, especially since we have several nurses out for various reasons. They keep calling me to pick up extra shifts but so far it just hasn't fit.  When I only have 2 nights off for instance I'm not going to work one of them. Also especially not when you make me be charge with no orientation.  Yes I have refused the orientation because I don't ever want to be charge! Yet I got to be charge for 4 hours the other night.  Freaky stuff. Interesting that there were several other much older and more experienced nurses there and I was the best pick.  Yeah, because I can't stand up for myself.  Right. 
I went to a quilting class yesterday that was mostly a sales pitch.  I got a quick try at the long arm quilting machine which was beyond awesome.  How I would love to have one of those to play with.  Since the total cost of the machine I played with yesterday is about equivalent to a low end car I don't see it in my budget any time soon. It sure was fun though. 

Stuff

Lately I've had a few blog posts pop up from blogs I used to read that I honestly don't have the need or time to follow anymore.  So I finally decided to sit down and look at my reader list and delete unnecessary stuff.  It was surprising to me how many were there that I hadn't seen posts from in such a long time which lead to me wondering what happened to them and realizing that the last year or so I'm just as bad.  Yes I know.  I suck at posting here.  For so many reasons.  Time, feeling like what I have to say isn't that interesting, fear of negativity and of putting so much of myself out there for anyone and everyone to read etc.  Yup, those are all there.
Sometimes it just feels like there isn't a lot going on.  I work and I come home.  I like my job most of the time.  There is one aspect of my job that I REALLY don't like but that doesn't affect me every shift and I've been told to be patient, things are changing and I'm trying to do that.  I admit that I've had thoughts of wanting to change positions because of the one aspect that I really don't like.  I can sit back though and see that now isn't a great time with trying to finish my BSN as taking on something else to learn might be a bit overwhelming.  Also for the most part I really do like my job.  It can be boring sometimes but what job isn't.  Yes part of me wants to try NICU again at some point but I'm also afraid to try again and realize I hate it again.  As far as that goes I think it's fear.  Fear of not being good enough, smart enough, hurting a baby and on and on.  When I was in nursing school I was sure I wanted to work in some form of critical care.  Preferably NICU but I also was interested in adult ICU.  I craved the feeling of satisfaction that I imagined I would get from working in that sort of environment of life and death situations.  Sometimes I still feel like I crave that.  Yet the reality of it is that I don't have a huge desire to have that much responsibility.  I like where I'm at and the time I can spend with my patients helping them during a time that is usually a really good time for them and if it's not I like knowing that I can help make a difference to make it a little less difficult.  I like working with the babies but I like working with the well babies.  Or mostly well.  So if I'm really honest with myself NICU probably isn't the path I need to take.  It's a path I desire to feel better about myself as a life saving nurse but it's also a potential set up for failure in that I could end up feeling worse about myself. Right now I just want to finish my BSN (which has a whole lot of ambivalent feelings in itself), and do my job. 
There are also things that I don't feel super comfortable talking about but yet I also feel a need to talk about them.  I'm sort of planning on or hoping to have surgery soon.  Or a couple of surgeries.  One that I'm waiting to hear if it will be approved by insurance.  That's for a panniculectomy, I have some left over hanging skin/fat on my lower abdomen.  Not the end of the world but it's difficult to keep under it clean and free from rash etc.  I've had a horrible yeast rash in my groin area just below for months.  I talked to a surgeon a couple of weeks ago and I really liked her.  So hopefully insurance will approve the procedure.  The other possible surgery was a bit harder to come to the decision.  I've asked my doctor for a hysterectomy.  The last several years my periods keep getting heavier and heavier.  The cramping keeps getting worse. I'm just done with it.  I know that to a large extent the increased bleeding is related to menopause or pre-menopause but it sucks.  In addition to that my cramping is no longer just the first day of my period but is daily.  With next to nothing I can take for it.  I'm not supposed to take Ibuprofen since I've had gastric bypass and Tylenol really doesn't do a whole lot.  So, tomorrow I have a date with the dildo cam again to see if there is a reason for the cramping and a reason to give to insurance for why I need the hysterectomy.  Ideally I will get to do both of the surgeries together.  Then I'll get a good 6 weeks off work.  I never thought that I would want this but I'm truly and completely done trying to conceive.  I will not spend that much money again on a maybe.  Heck I don't even know right now if I'd spend it on a sure thing.  I'm enjoying my life so much right now as it is (minus the school part which I'm really not enjoying). 
So, that's where I am right now.  Actually right now I'm sitting here blogging to avoid homework.  Yeah. I know.  I need to stop that.  Maybe if I finished my homework I could go to the beach on Thursday where it's drastically cooler!

Back To School

Ok so it's been a while since I posted here.  I know, I'm bad at posting.  I tend to forget that not everyone who reads here doesn't see me on Facebook as well.  I'm good at updating FB regularly.  My blog not so much.  

Yes I am officially going back to school.  After a bit of back and forth I was finally accepted into the program I wanted and I start classes next Monday.  Wow.  Good news is that pretty much all of the extra stuff I took in nursing school carried over and other than my 9 nursing classes I have to take to finish my bachelors degree I only have to take statistics.  Yay!! I was so not looking forward to taking a bunch of unnecessary classes.  Especially since I'm paying for all of this out of my pocket.  Yes, that's a big ouch.  My first 7 week session of classes is nearly $1500. I will be able to get a little reimbursement from work which will help but it will still be up to me.  I of course don't qualify for any grant money etc because I make way too much money and because of my bankruptcy I am not eligible for any loan money.  Oh well.  I think I can still manage it ok.  

Work is going pretty well.  I enjoy it about as much as you can enjoy work.  I like what I do but yes I do sometimes fantasize about how nice it would be to not have to do it.  I enjoy working with the babies.  I get a kick out of them and most of the time the moms are pretty great too.  Yes there is the dysfunction.  Sometimes a frightening amount of it but knowing that I can help some of these families in some small way is satisfying.  

That said the farther I get from infertility and treatments the less I want to go back.  I enjoy working with the babies but I don't feel the same need to pursue parenting anymore.  I like my life as it is.  The few times I've read on someone else's journey through another cycle all I can think is that I have no desire to do that again. Even if I magically was given enough money that I could afford a cycle, actually spending the money on a cycle wouldn't even make the top 5 of what I'd like to spend the money on.  I finally truly believe in my heart that I'm done and I'm ok with that.  It's not where I would have pictured myself but it's still not a bad place to be.  I have a lot of advantages that I probably wouldn't have as a single parent.  Not to say that I wouldn't have loved being a parent or that I wouldn't have been good at it but I'm good with where I'm at.  

Back To School

Seven years ago (crap has it really been that long?) when I graduated from nursing school I had vowed I was going to go on to finish my bachelors degree immediately.  Of course life got in the way.  Working full time and finding an affordable option played a part.  Also it just didn't seem that fun or necessary and I never did go back.  Now here I am seven years later and it's starting to look more necessary although still doesn't really look all that fun.  Honestly I can't say I have a huge desire for higher education.  It won't make a large difference in my level of of pay (if any difference at all) and I truly have no desire to go into management.  I'm one of those people who is a really good worker bee.  I'm great at going to work, doing my job etc.  I have no desire to be in charge in any way, shape, sort or form.  However there is an ongoing push for RN's to have a bachelors degree and some of the hospitals I've been looking at for possible future employment strongly prefer or almost require it.  Where I'm at now, it's fine.  Not a big deal.  However I'm not sure this is where I'll be 10 years from now.  I like Fresno but I really want to live somewhere closer to the coast.  At least one of the hospitals I'm interested in possibly wants that BSN.  So I started thinking about the future a bit.
For the next 3 years I plan to stay put here for sure.  It's affordable here and I like my job.  I've got 3 more years of payments on my bankruptcy.  Once that's finished though I will have more money and more options.  In other words I can decide to live elsewhere even if it is more expensive as I won't have as much money going into bills.  My thoughts are that if I can manage to finish my bachelors degree in the next 3 years as well, then when I start looking else where for employment I will have that little extra that makes me an even better choice.  So I started looking around this weekend.  Not being someone who just sits and contemplates for too long I'm jumping right in.  This morning I've applied to a school and sent a request for my transcripts to be sent.  It feels like a really big step. It also feels like being done with that is so far away but I know the time will pass quickly and while I'm working on paying stuff off and waiting until I can really jump into my plan B why not work to make myself a better nurse in the process.  So, wish me luck on going back to school.  At least this time I can do it in my jammies as it's online!

National Infertility Awareness Week

Ok so it's been a while since I posted and I'm flabbergasted by the change in appearance in the screen look for new posts.  Hmm.  Maybe I should visit my blog more often.
The only way I realized that this was National Infertility Awareness week was seeing several posts pop up in my blog reader that others had posted.  The last 2 years I feel like I have completely stepped away from infertility and the impact it's had on my life.  Yet no matter how far away from it all I step there will always be reminders and things that bring it all back in a rush of emotion.
One reminder is my tattoo on my leg that I did last summer.  I wanted to do something to memorialize the three early miscarriages.  My maybe babies.  I had thought of butterflies, dragonflies and a host of other things and then realized that the perfect thing for me was bats.  Yes, I have bats tattooed on my leg.  Cute bats, not scary ones.  I have myself actually, my battynurse image and my 3 batty babies.  I love it.  I love what it means to me whether I choose to share that with others or not.
Most of the time these days I find myself able to live freely and happily with the choice (somewhat forced) of living child free.  I can look at it and admit that in no way to I feel emotionally ready or compelled to resume infertility treatments.  I don't have a desire to go back to that dark place and emotional roller coaster.  I can also see the many advantages I enjoy with not having children.  Not to say that I wouldn't have many joys and advantages to having children but there are things that I have or can do that if I was a single parent likely wouldn't be an option.
I can look logically at the challenges of single parenting.  Things that 4-5 years ago seemed challenging but yet still manageable now look so very overwhelming.  Especially lacking a strong support network of family and friends to help out.  Not to say I don't have family or friends but not really many who are close enough and able to help out on a regular and consistent basis.
Then I have the occasional moments that blindside me a bit.  As I've mentioned before I work with new moms and babies.  I enjoy what I do.  A lot.  In someways I feel like I go to work and get my baby fix and then I get to come home and do whatever I want.  There are days where I come home and I'm so freaking glad I don't have to listen to another baby crying for at least 12 hours. However sometimes (and it's not nearly as often as I would have thought if you had asked me several years ago) I have that baby that catches my heart and makes me feel that loss all over again.  Most of the time it's a baby that I know will be going into foster care or up for adoption.  A couple weeks ago I had a baby I cared for one night who was going up for adoption as mom didn't think she could parent but no family had been chosen, nor agency etc.  She came to the hospital to deliver with no plan in place mostly because she had spent a lot of time in denial.  All night I couldn't get past the thought that I wanted him and I wanted to take him home.  I knew it wasn't an option as I have nothing in place to work towards an adoption but the thought was there.  All night I kept finding myself fantasizing about what if...  No, it didn't happen and I was told that the family that did take him was so incredibly happy and they had been waiting for children for 15 years.  I was happy for them.  It also indicates to me that at some point in the future I may find myself willing to pursue adoption.
Right now I'm not there.  Right now I have no desire to have every aspect of my life examined so completely and to spend such a large amount of money on something that others can get easily whether they want or deserve it.  Right now I'm happy with my life as it is instead of waiting until I achieve marriage or having children so that I can be happy.  Yet I also acknowledge that infertility has forever left it's mark on my life as it leaves it's mark on so many others.  I can hope that in the future there will be greater understanding of that mark on peoples lives.  Less judgement of those peoples hopes and desires.  

Self Reflection

Sometimes self reflection can be a bit annoying, or depressing. Especially when you can recognize parts of your personality that aren't that appealing. Yes I've been doing some of this lately. I know there are some things that I need to work on.

Trust is a big one for me. If someone that I'm close to lets me down I have a really hard time letting them close to me again. In some aspects understandable and in my on going efforts to not be a door mat I do feel the need for some assertiveness. However sometimes letting go is necessary. My difficulty comes in figuring out when I think. A certain relative has indicated a desire to become close again (no, not my mom). I've had a problem with this in the past because of some manipulative behavior on her part and some bad reactions to disagreements we've had. However I've also recently discovered that she has some pretty awful shit going on right now and it would maybe be nice to have a relationship with her again if it could be an equal relationship.

Epic Fail

So the comment I just received from Navigating the Rapids just reminded me that I hadn't updated here. I have on FB, but not here.

So the whole mama and babies living here didn't work out so well. Turns out mama was a lot more wild than I knew or expected. She was ok with being petted sometimes which is what I had seen. Last week I had moved the babies and mama into my spare bathroom and was wearing gloves in whenever I went in to pet her. If I was sitting on the floor she was fine with me petting her or me petting the babies. When I was trying to leave the bathroom, change her food and water dishes etc she wasn't quite so fine and could be pretty aggressive. Monday morning when I went in to clean her litter box and give her food etc she attacked my leg while I was scooping her box. I ended up with a very nasty cat bite on my leg. That ended up causing a trip to urgent care and I'll be on antibiotics for 10 days. I'm still not convinced that I'm not going to require having this drained as it's still pretty red, swollen and hard. Also hurts like a bitch. That afternoon after discussing it with the neighbor lady who was working with me we decided mama needed to go. I called the SPCA and they came and picked up mama and babies within about 2 hours. I had considered trying to keep the babies and bottle feed them but being only a week old they would need to eat about every 3 hours. Factor in 6 babies and I think I would have been constantly feeding babies. Not to mention my 12 hour shifts with no one to take care of them. I'm just hoping that someone took the kittens to foster them who would be able to do the whole bottle feeding thing. The guy from SPCA had told me that most likely mama would be put down as she was un-vaccinated and sort of feral. I feel bad for the kittens but I had to take a step back and remember I can't save them all and that it wasn't my fault. I tried to take care of it when the people who claimed to own mama failed to do so but didn't catch it in time.

Now I'm just hoping I don't have to have this wound on my leg drained or something equally awful.

Cats, Cats, And More Cats!

So, I woke up this morning with my usual 3 cats. By shortly after 2pm I seem to have tripled that number and now currently have 10. Yes. You read that right. 10. Not that they are all mine but I suppose for the here and now they are essentially mine as they are in my garage and in my care.

I love cats. Love, love, love cats. Cats are awesome. It also bothers me when people treat cats as disposable pets. I know dogs and pretty much any other potential pet like animal gets treated this way but it sometimes seems that cats really get the bum end of the deal when it comes to being pets. Sort of a big pet peeve of mine.

There are a couple of different neighborhood cats who hang around my condo. Mostly because the little old lady across from me feeds them. A little over a week ago a friend of mine pointed out that one of them was pregnant. Oh goody. So I went to talk to neighbor who feeds them about soon to be mama kitty. Neighbor thought they were both pregnant and we decided to check around and go in together on getting the kitties fixed. Since then we have figured out that one wasn't pregnant (and possibly male?) just fat and we don't know who "owns" that one. There is a young girl around 13 who claimed to own the pregnant one but stated her mom couldn't afford to fix the cat. I can sort of understand this with the knowledge that she is a single mom but checking around town found a spay/neuter clinic that charges $45 to spay cat. Not really a huge amount. My feeling is that it's not a priority to the 13 year olds mom. The cat isn't allowed inside (their dog is) and is fed by neighbor lady (I don't know if the 13 year old feeds it too).

At any rate, my annoyance aside at how people treat animals, me and the neighbor made plans to have the pregnant kitty spayed. Appointment was made for today (Monday). Then on Friday preggo kitty disappeared. I had been worried that she would have her kittens as she looked pretty close but the weather was also pretty awful on Friday night and Saturday. Saturday afternoon I left my garage door open a few inches hoping maybe she would come in. Saturday night I left for work, closed up etc. Sunday morning I came home. Finally last night I called and left a message that we hadn't managed to catch the preggo kitty so she would not be coming in this morning. This afternoon I headed out to get my bike out of the garage to go for a ride and heard squeaky noises.

I immediately started looking for babies. Sure enough. Mama must have come into the garage on Saturday looking for a sheltered place to have her babies and decided my pet stroller that was stored in the garage was the perfect place. So I now have a mama kitty and 6 kittens in my garage. The kittens are probably about 2 days old near as I can tell and mama is very protective. I don't know how she will deal with me driving in and out of the garage but I'm fine with her staying there for the next 6 weeks or so with the babies. Likely I will at some point have to start parking elsewhere for a while. I've got some food out there, water and a litter box. Young teen girl did come over this afternoon asking to see the kittens and then came back later asking if I needed anything. I did appreciate that although noticed that I saw nothing of her mother. My goal is for them to stay in the garage until they are weaned and then to work at re-homing them all. When they are weaned we'll take mama and get her fixed. I would also love to get all the kittens fixed prior to re-homing. That way I know it will get done. I'll have to check around and see what can be done and how soon etc.

Funny I have a magnet on my locker at work that says "I'm one relationship away from owning 30 cats." I need to add a second line to that saying " and 20 cats" since I guess for now I'm the crazy "owner" of 10.

So Tired

I always tell myself after not to do this to myself again. I also always seem to forget. Last night I worked in the newborn nursery. Ok night. Busy. I started off with 7 babies being cared for by myself and another nurse. We stayed at 6-8 for the night and it was busy but ok. Day shift however was also looking busy and short staffed. I was asked to stay over an extra 4 hours so that the day nurse in the nursery (who doesn't usually work there) wouldn't be alone with 7 babies. So I worked from 7pm Thursday night until 11am Friday morning. I'm so freaking tired. Came home and had to unwind a bit from all the extra caffeine and finally went to bed at 1pm. I knew I'd be off work until 11pm and was hoping for the whole night off. No call to come in so far so I must be off. I'm also completely ready to go back to bed. I keep telling myself not to do a long shift like that but I'd probably end up doing it again. The money is nice plus I hate leaving someone else so short and busy since I know what it's like myself.

Our patient population is interesting. A lot of uninsured and under insured patients. I understand on many levels how people end up in such positions and that things like insurance and health care aren't always readily available to others. I see too though those who have some level of coverage and yet who don't utilize it. Women who have med*i*cal but don't seek or continue with prenatal care. Often it's drug related. A lack of prenatal care is usually a cue for a drug screen and it's sad how many of our laboring mom's test positive for Meth and marijuana. Other drugs will show up occasionally but those are the big ones. Some of course deny it, some are very open about it stating yes they used etc.

Recently I had a mom who tested positive and baby did too. Social work involved but all was cleared. However when baby didn't get released as planned mom gets hostile, stating she has 4 other children and she knows how to take care of the baby. I find myself trying to understand that likely she was feeling fear that her parenting skills were being questioned and in some ways they were but it was in the interest of what was best for baby. I want to say sometimes that reacting in a hostile manner towards myself or the physician doesn't really do anything to help your position although I can realize to that would likely lead to more hostility based on fear etc. What was being asked of the mom was something that should have been requested of any parent although especially one where there is a concern for will mom seek medical attention for the baby if needed. I hope for the babies sake that mom is able to get herself together and properly care for her children.

I also had good moments this morning and something that made me glad I stayed. All night we'd had a baby who's mom had been pretty sick and had been transferred to another unit in the hospital. That unit had called to ask if we could bring baby up for mom to see it as she hadn't really had a chance to hold it yet. Had the day nurse been alone she wouldn't have been able to do that. Possibly mom could have been given the ok to come down for a bit but because I was still there and things had calmed down some I was able to take baby up for a visit. It was great to get to see how happy mom was to get to see and hold her baby. For dad and grandma to get to take pictures and to give them that moment even if it was short, as a new family.

That's why I do it. To help and provide care for those in need. Now I just need another nap for my poor body to recover.

Books!

Lots of books. With no room. I LOVE books. Reading is my favorite hobby and I spend a pretty fair amount of time doing it. So far this year my count is 24 books. Last year I read almost 90. Years ago I used to keep every book I bought/read. However with as much as I've moved that was really not a lot of fun. Lots and lots of books through 30 some moves? Umm, no thank you.

So I've gotten rid of most of them and am down to keeping just some of the ones that are my absolute favorites. Which is down to about 2 shelves now on an average size book case. Not too much space until I added additional furniture to the living room and now I have no space for my book shelf. I've currently moved it to the entry way but I'm pretty sure that is not a permanent place. Since I really like my apartment and don't want to move any time soon, hence I'm not expecting to have additional space any time soon, I'm trying to figure out what to do with everything.

Which brings me to the whole e-reader thing. I've been resistant to the e-readers. I love the actual books. Really. I couldn't quite see how it would be as good as a book. I've sat on the fence, went back and forth been undecided. All of that. Towards the end of last year though I had downloaded a kindle app to my ipod. Bought a cheapie book that I'd never heard of just to see if it was doable. Seemed to work pretty well, frequent page turning but not bad. Then my favorite author put out a new book so I bought it. I had a really hard time with that book. It was hard to follow and to keep up with what was happening. I ended up thinking probably not. Then I read some reviews of the book and realized others said the same thing about the book, that it was hard to follow, too many characters etc. So I tried another. Loved it. So now I'm fairly hooked. My plan eventually is to get either a kin*dle or an i*p*a*d (would prefer the i one which is possibly more in range now that a newer version is coming out) and when I buy books in the future, mostly buy e-books. Easier. Although realistically the cost isn't much of a difference but cost doesn't usually stop me from buying books.

All this had me looking at my bookshelf this afternoon though and thinking how much more space I'd have if I eventually replaced all my favorites with e-books that were much easier to store. Then I could get rid of the falling down book case too.

Hmmm. More ideas.

Laundry Day

So today was once again laundry day. It's not really a day I look for

ward to but turns out my cats do. They love laundry day. Mostly because it involves warm places. They never cease to crack me up. Most of these pics were taken with my ipod so the quality isn't great. I only grabbed the real camera for the first one here. There were so funny though I had to share.

Annabelle enjoying the warmth of the dryer

Cassie sitting on top of the dryer. She is the only one who has figured out that it's warm there.

Sara and Annabelle in the dryer. They are enjoying the pillow cases that were still left.

Annabelle curled up and made herself comfy on the towels I had just removed from the dryer.

This one of Cassie and Sara in the window was just too sweet. Course a minute later they started squawking at each other. Temporary peace for the sake of the sun.

Last night in bed I noticed that Cassie had laid down on top of Lizzie so she could be close to me. Sort of cracks me up. I guess she's not afraid of the dog anymore. I'm pretty sure the dog is still afraid of her though. Lizzie never moved an inch in spite of the cat sleeping on top of her. Goofy animals.

Finding My Way Back

I'm trying. Really. I miss blogging but am still struggling with feeling like I don't have anything to say that would interest anyone. I'm not actively TTC nor is any future cycles even anywhere in my plan. What you said though St. Elsewhere is true. As much as I'm not consummed with TTC the whole thought process never goes away.
So what's up in my life? Not a whole lot. A lot of time spent with my fur babies. Not nearly enough time spent exercising. I know I feel better when I exercise but good gracious do I hate working out. Some time sewing, a lot of time reading and keeping my hiney home so I won't spend money unnecessarily. I'm good at that. Spending money unnecessarily. Actually I'm noticing a tendency to be a bit compulsive in several habits, none of them good. Like compulsive exercise. That would be a good one right now and one I fantasize a bit about having.
Right now I'm praying no more of my animals get sick. We've had a bit of sick around here and I still owe the vet like $400. Much of my vacation last week was spent at the vets office. They know me an my animals there really well. Everyone right now seems mostly well. Except Cassie who is trying as I type to lick more of her fur off. Seems she's having an identity crisis and thinks she's supposed to be a Sphynx. Cassie is my newest addition. She's a 9 year old Cornish Rex that I rescued from a local shelter. She's really sweet but does have a bit of an OCD thing going on in the form of compulsive grooming. So far her entire neck and most of her head are pretty much bare. She looks a bit like she's got a mohawk. I don't know what the conditions of her surrender were but this has been going on for a while as she has been on the current medication before. She also seems to share Sara's aversion to litter boxes but has thankfully picked up Sara's habit of using potty pads. Not perfect but we manage. So now I'm the owner of 3 cats. And a dog. Mostly everyone tolerates everyone else but outside of my kitten Annabelle loving the dog I can't say everyone likes everyone else. During last weeks sick episodes I discovered that Sara's heart problem is getting worse and I figure it's only a matter of time before my fantabulous vet wants her to see a kitty cardiologist. I don't even want to consider the cost of that. Lizzie is still her little neurotic loveable self as well which we mostly manage fine. I just know what her limitations are and work around them. Like if I want her to go somewhere I don't even hint that I'm leaving until I have her leash securely attached. The funniest part of all my animals lately? Their absolute fascination with my food. Sara and Luna never wanted people food. Wouldn't touch it. Annabelle and Cassie see no problem with walking up to my plate and helping themselves. I keep telling them that licking it doesn't make it automatically theirs but I don't think they believe me.
So that's me lately. Crazy cat lady in progress.

Pain And Babies

I know I've talked about it before here but I have chronic pain issues. I've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis and some other form of arthritis, likely rheumatoid although I test negative for that. Most of it I just deal with. A bit harder since I am not supposed to take NSAIDs anymore after having gastric bypass but usually manageable. I know I'm actually fairly lucky that my pain isn't more debillitating as I've know plenty with more problems then me. Mostly it's just annoying. Some of the issues I can go back and blame on my weight like my knees. Some however isn't weight related. Like my shoulders and hands. Also it's not just the fibro pain as it's my joints that frequently ache and burn. The biggest problem for me is that it can often be hard to fall asleep since I'm uncomfortable and it's hard to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Lately melatonin has been my friend.
A year and a half ago my Rheumatologist decided that I probably had psoriatic arthritis (even though I only have one small occasional patch of psoriasis and occasional rashes) and put me on En*brel. This wasn't my favorite decision but it did bring my sed rate and CRP down to a normal level for the first time in my life I think. Of course according to MD there is no lab test or whatever to definitively diagnose psoriatic arthritis) and hello have you seen the TV commercials for this shit? One of the potential side effects is Lymphoma. I've whined and complained to my primary doc about this and my fears of it and was basically told that I could take the medicine and have a small off chance of getting Lymphoma or have my joints degenerate so severely that by age 50ish I would no longer be able to do much for myself. Hmm. What a choice.
Even with this medication though I've continued to still have significant joint pain/discomfort. When I saw my Rheumatologist in July he asked if I wanted to go back on a drug that is very contraindicated in pregnancy and my response was no. When I force myself to sit and analyze that decision I have to admit that there is still some small place in me where I hope that I might still meet someone, falling madly (and quickly) in love and end up with a surprise and viable pregnancy. Yeah I know. I often can't account for the workings of my mind.
In spite of how unrealistic this fantasy of sorts is, it's still there. Cause at 41 almost 42 with nothing but miscarriages to my record and no potential suitable men in sight it could still happen and I'd be stupid enough to not worry about birth control if it did. Well that last part might be true, it's been a long time and should the oportunity to have sex come up I might not be thinking about much other than "WOW, I GET TO HAVE SEX!!!)but really? What makes me think my ovaries are going to magically produce something workable after I spent so much time and money trying to force them into submission? Besides should any of the above ever happen it's not like I couldn't go off the medication and wait a couple of months and then be good to go.
It's just mind boggling to me though that all this time later, that whole maybe baby thing is still always there at the back of my mind and fucking with me. Does it ever stop?

Ring In The New Year

So I hope everyone's New Year was great. Mine was so so. I rang in the new year at work and on New Years Eve it was pretty busy, add in some drama and I would have preferred to sleep through it. Last night wasn't too bad though thankfully.
The drama was of course work related. Turns out the supervisor I worked under 3 years ago who was so incredibly mean spirited is now in training to be house supervisor. Oh goody. She was the one who made frequent fat jokes/comments to me and others, and basically made my work environment a hostile place. Yeah. That one. I got the oh so lovely news when I received a phone call from her in regards to a needle stick I had just gotten. Not really my best night.
The needle stick really wasn't a big deal in my opinion. I had just given a shot to a baby and nicked my hand with the needle. All very low risk. I thought it was a crack up though how one of the residents in the ED was all about pushing me to have a tetanus vaccine since "tetanus is a very nasty disease" and it had been 9 years since my last vaccine. Yeah right. Where's the risk? It was a sterile needle that had been used on a newborn. No thank you. Last time I had a tetanus shot it made my arm go numb for a day, two days after I received the shot so it wasn't the technique of the person giving the shot.
I did have a kind of nice weekend (yes even at work) in a way too though. I had the greatest couple with a new baby. I really liked them. They were so sweet and Dad was so attentive to mom and baby. So often we have the dads who want to stay over and then do nothing to help their wives/girlfriends. The mom also reminded me a little bit of myself. She was a fluffy girl who was so sweet. In talking she had mentioned that they had a hard time getting pregnant and they were so excited to finally have their baby. New Year's Eve dad stayed till midnight and had a bunch of mistletoe hung on the IV bag hanger to kiss in the New Year. I just really enjoyed being her nurse. Baby was adorable too. So last night I took her one of my blankets. I debated a bit as I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable but I just really wanted her to have one. She seemed to like it so I hope it didn't make her feel strange.
Now I'm off for the next 4 nights and boy am I ready for some days off. Now though it's bed time as I'm beat after 3 nights at work.
Happy New Year to everyone!!!

Happy New Year!

Here it is. Another year. 2012. I guess I'll admit that my New Years wish or resolution or whatever it was didn't happen again this year. Most of the time I'm ok with that. Most of the time men seem to be more trouble than they are worth.
Other than a rough start of 2011 and the loss of two of my fur babies it was a pretty good year. I'm content with my life and where it's at even though I'm not where I would have thought I'd be and things haven't turned out like I planned. So true that life is what happens while you're making plans. Or something along those lines anyways.
For me the holidays have been spent working which is ok too. I've had some fabulous mamas tonight and adorable babies. Always a great way to ring in the new year. Granted yesterday didn't feel all that great. Crazy busy and then I ended up with a needle stick a couple hours before the end of my shift. Total pain. I'd done this once before and remember being way more worried about it. Granted at that time it was a homeless guy and this time it was a baby. Plus last time it was mid cycle while TTC and so I had that worry or fear as well. The most difficult part this time was the call from the house supervisor. Who just happened to be the previous charge nurse I worked with 3 years ago who was so awful. The one who made the frequent fat jokes and comments? Yeah that one. She was also the one who was continuously trying to stir up trouble anywhere she went. If you told her something in confidence she was sure to go tell everyone else etc. This just bugs me on so many levels. It bugs me that a person like this is in a position such as house supervisor. It bugs me that she harassed me for close to a year and had no consequences from it. Granted to some extent I do realize that I never pushed it. I talked to my manager but never went to HR as all I could see was my life getting worse if I did so.