Homebody

I've come to another realization lately.  I sort of started earlier this summer when I was considering going out of town around my birthday.  I felt like I didn't really have money to go out of town, find someone to take care of all the fur babies and have spending money for a trip.  Yet I turned around a few days later and bought a new sewing machine.  It was pointed out to me that for what I paid for the new machine I could have taken a trip and the person stating this was right.  My response was why spend money taking a trip by myself when I could instead buy my new sewing machine and get a lot of satisfaction from having it and the things I could make with it. 
It's not that I have a problem with taking trips by myself as I've done it quite a bit before and am contemplating another one this winter.  I can entertain myself pretty good even in a place I've never been to before although I'm not really one for tour groups and making tons of plans ahead of time etc.  I tend to just wing it a bit and go with what I feel like doing on any particular day. 
This past week though I went to Washington.  I had a good time and got to spend some time with people I love and not spend time working or doing homework.  Yes I totally ignored homework for the week which was lovely.  What I noticed was that leading up to the trip I was excited and had in my mind things I wanted to do.  The first couple of days I was there I had a great time even though I wasn't really doing anything "special".  However by the 4th day away from home I started to get anxious.  I started to feel overwhelmingly that I wanted to be home.  I worried about my cats, what if something happened to them. Worried about my house.  Just anxious.  It was pointed out to me that I was quieter than the previous days and the only reason was this anxiety.
I don't really know what the answer is to this other than keeping any trips I make relatively short or just having someone stay at my house (which in the past has helped with longer trips).  It however makes me aware that I tend to be more at home and comfortable in my usual space and that as much as there are places I'd like to see, I'm also very content to spend the majority of my time at home. I'm not entirely sure if this is a good thing that I can just accept about myself or if it's something I should work on changing.  In the here and now, I'm planning some shorter trips this fall, mostly just day trips or trips lasting maybe 2-3 nights.  That and plenty of time for my sewing machine at home. 

Maybe Better?

Overall my depression seems to definitely be improving. I'm a little worried or afraid of another emotional pit but I'm also trying to just leave that thought out in the wind a bit and give it a wait and see attitude, taking each day as it comes.  Usually easier said than done but all of life is a work in progress.
I have definitely felt a lot better since Lily is gone.  Not that it was Lily's fault.  It wasn't.  She's a dog.  I think it was my reactions to her and negative self talk where she was concerned.  I spent a lot of time thinking very negatively about myself while I had her for many reasons, most of which were feeling like I wasn't good enough for a dog, or that dog or whatever.  I don't know why it was so bad other than I had such high hopes for a great relationship more like what I had with Sadie. I thought by getting a puppy I'd surpass the problems that might be encountered by adopting a dog from the shelter where it may have been abused etc.  I didn't realize how many other factors could play a part in temperament or behavior.  I'm not sure if it would have made a difference if I had chose a corgi from another breeder, or if it's just a corgi's nature or what. I'm tired of analyzing it though and feeling bad.  For now I'm enjoying my cats (although dear lord I wish Sara would use a litter box).  When I come home from work in the morning I see them jump out of the window when they hear the garage door open and they are waiting in the laundry room for me when I come in. They are more than happy to let me sleep all day and will often join me which is nice too.
The new job is going pretty good.  I was a little worried about anxiety in caring for these so very small patients but so far the anxiety I've had has been a normal expected level of anxiety.  I think there would be something wrong if I felt no anxiety but it's not paralyzing.  I know that in my life I'm in a much different place than I was the last time I tried working NICU.  I'm more confident as a nurse and in my ability to know what needs to be done and to ask for help when I need it.  I have managed in 6 weeks so much more than I managed in 10 months the last time I worked NICU.  I've cared for babies on ventilators, with arterial lines, and a lot of other stuff.  I know that I still have a long ways to go before I'm completely confident but I also believe I can do it.