Life And Learning

I read a poem once quite a few years ago (I probably even have it wrote down somewhere) that talked about how you learn a lot about life in watching someone die. This is so true. When I get home I may have to look for that poem. I used to have a habit of writing stuff like that down and keeping it in notebooks and I'm sure I kept it.
Sunday evening I received a phone call that my ex boyfriends grandma had in the last three weeks broke her arm and then went on to have two heart attacks and two strokes. The wheels started spinning on what I needed to do to make it back to Washington. While she isn't my actual grandmother, for the last 10 years or so this family has been in many ways my family. I have some cousins and aunts and uncles I've maintained contact with but as far as actual family, not many of them choose to take an active part in my life. Monday morning I left and began the long drive home. I have to say that as much as there are some really beautiful places on that drive, I really don't look forward to ever doing it again. Oh but wait. I do get to do it again in reverse. I leave Saturday to go back home. yippee skippy.
I know that my presence here wasn't necessarily imperative but I hope I've been able to be helpful to these people who have been so much comfort to me.
I've talked before about my spiritual beliefs or my difficulty with such. Much of it wrapped up with all the crazy ass shit I was taught while I was growing up. I was actually taught that we don't go to heaven and that along with the difficulties I have with many current religious beliefs, leaves me still unsure of what I believe in.
Years ago after my dad died I had a couple of very vivid dreams in which he was the one I dreamed about him that left me feeling comforted. I sadly really can't remember the details of those dreams but I remember feeling like I had spoke to him. But of course I had been taught that was impossible and I was still trying so hard to please those around me, so of course that couldn't be true. Then several years ago right after I had moved back to Washington, a friend of mine passed away. I had been feeling so badly that not only hadn't I made it over to visit her while she was alive, I probably wouldn't be able to go to her funeral either since I worked the night before and the night of the service. I remember having a very vivid dream about her that also left me feeling very comforted. I know that I woke up with an almost spiritual sense of calmness and belief that she had sent that dream/message to me to let me know it was ok. I even had a dream about Sadie after I lost her where she was running and happy and I knew she too was ok.
I realize to some this may sound crazy. To others it may sound like a sin to say I believe my dog came to let me know she was ok (figures of course the cat wouldn't bother). For me whether it's true or not, it feels true and I find myself believing and comforted by these dreams.
So in hearing my friends describe things that happened in the room with this loved one who is close to leaving my first reaction, borne of all those crazy ass teachings I received as a child and some of the scientific background I now operate within on a somewhat daily basis was "it's the medications." I stopped to think why though. How do I know that this lovely woman truly doesn't have many loved ones waiting patiently for her on the other side? How do I know that she can't see these people now. I don't. And really, it seems just as possible that it's real as that it's not. Yes, I know. Not very scientific. I don't care. I may not know for sure what all I believe in but if this seems so very real, and it does, why doubt it so much? Why be so sure it's not real? Why not just believe.

Procrastination

I'm a procrastinator. I don't know why really. I just am. For instance I had finally found a dentist I liked a couple of years ago and then my insurance changed and he didn't take my insurance anymore. So it took me almost a year and a half to make the effort to find a new dentist. Part of this is because I hate going to the dentist and then the anxiety of finding a new one again etc just left me putting it off for later, over and over again. I do this with doctors and such as well. Basically anything that requires me to pick up a phone and call someone I don't know etc. Sometimes even for picking up a phone and calling someone I do know. In the meantime it's now been like 4 years since I had my teeth cleaned and that required a much more thourough cleaning. Yippee. The new dentist gave me an estimate of my out of pocket cost being $1600. and over a thousand of that was a local antibiotic they insisted I needed that my insurance would not touch. So after a bit of research I decided a second opinion might be a good plan. The easiest thing to do was to call the old dentist and ask if they could see me. Guess what? They went back to taking my insurance. When seeing my old dentist he agreed with the deep cleaning (I wasn't against that, I knew I would need it), a crown and one filling as opposed to 3 fillings and no antibiotics at this time. If things hadn't improved in a years time then we would look at antibiotics. So my total out of pocket will be like $400. Much better. And I lived through the first appointment for teeth cleaning. It will take 2 appointments and the hygenist stated that she could numb me up if need be once we got going. I told her I was a bit anxious about it and would prefer to be numbed up from the beginning. So she did. The shots in the front were a bit brutal but once we got going I put my ipod on and ignored it all. I go back in 2 weeks for the other side, one week for the crown and filling.

The other thing I'm putting off lately is a new tattoo. I don't know what I want done first but I have several ideas for things. I also have a credit that I will hopefully be able to use. A co-worker had paid a deposit to have one of her tattoos worked on and then changed her mind. Since I had picked up two shifts for her next week as a favor she offered to transfer the credit to me! I just need to call and speak to a specific person and make an appointment. But it's a bit nerve wracking wondering how it will all work out etc as whoever does it is going to have to do some of the art work themselves. I guess we'll see. I'll post pics though when I get the work done.

Where To Begin...

To say I've had a bit of a writers block lately is like saying it's a bit warm in Fresno lately. Hotter than hell is more like it. I guess I'll get to see what my summer PG&E bill looks like in this apartment. I also find myself thinking regularly about posting something here but feeling a total loss as to what. I don't know which direction to take this here little blog. Is this an infertility blog, a nursing blog, a weight loss blog or something else entirely? I don't know.

I'm an infertility blogger as in I am infertile. Whether it be because of being sperm challenged or age or some other yet unknown diagnosis there it is. I have no children and getting pregnant at this time in my life is problematic to say the least. At this point if I had to give a name to where I am I'd have to say that for now at least I'm choosing to live child free. Not really what I would have wanted to choose but there it is. I read a quote that you make a life out of what you have, not what your missing. I'm choosing to do that to the best of my ability. I'm also enjoying it quite a bit. I go to work and get my baby fix and then come home to my content life with my fur babies who let me sleep through the day. I take trips when I can, spend time with friends, sleep when I want, read all day, sew or watch whatever I want on TV. That doesn't mean that if something came along that allowed me one more try (the lottery perhaps or a really cheap cycle somewhere, or even god forbid an actual surprise pregnancy courtesy of actually having sex) that I wouldn't jump at the chance but I still can't honestly see myself spending 20k on a donor egg cycle anytime in the near future short of an actual lottery win. For that I would actually have to buy a ticket though.

Nursing blog? Probably not. Although I find myself experiencing many funny moments at work (think a total Spanglish failure of trying to explain to some poor woman about peeing in the hat the first time she uses the restroom), or the truly touching moments, the babies I fall for in a few short hours or those moments in a night that touch you, annoy or just plain baffle you, I have a hard time blogging about it. While I love reading some of the other funny nursing blogs out there the over hanging thought of HIPPA prevents me from being very comfortable posting much about my day to day experiences as a nurse. On one hand the off chance of someone actually reading something and recognizing someone is probably minimal but on the other hand it probably really isn't that difficult to connect the real me to the blog me. I'd hate to lose my job, my livelihood or any other part of my life because I said something I shouldn't have.

Weight loss blog? Umm. No. Yes I've lost weight although I've been pretty much plateaued still since January. But I'm no authority on the whole thing and honestly it's just hard. I still love sweet stuff way more than I should and while I've made definite changes with positive benefits there are many others who have (and who blog about it) and who have likely done it better. One thing I've noticed in me is that many of the "diet" foods or recipes that I've seen and tried I CAN'T STAND! They're gross. For someone who has always been a moderately picky eater I'm even more so now. Various textures are beyond me being able to consume and I find myself having a very hard time making myself eat things that are "good for me" just because they are good for me. I work to modify the foods I like as much as possible to be healthy and to keep my portions small so that I can to some extent still eat things I like. I've pretty much given up stuff like rice and pasta but will have an occasional bread product (usually half an english muffin a couple times a week) or if I go out for breakfast will usually eat a bit of the potatoes. Potatoes were a fairly big loss to me as they were pretty much my favorite non sweet thing. Telling myself I could never have them again just depressed me. I would guess I maybe eat them once a month or less. I have a few foods that I eat pretty regularly and while I try to mix it up some to prevent boredom too much mixing it up is a pain in the ass and not really worth it in taste or satisfaction. So, no. I'm not really a weight loss or food blogger.

I hate to just get on line and bitch about the daily annoyances so I've avoided that as well.

Really though, things are going well. I like my job most of the time although there are times (and a couple of co-workers) that occasionally make it a bit less likable. It's been really busy lately and my schedule has been a bit jacked up and I don't have many of my long stretches off. The last I had I went to Las Vegas with a couple of friends and we had a great time. It was a very short trip and I still didn't get to do everything I wanted to do but I had fun. It was also a pretty huge difference from my last trip there when I was so disappointed in my ability to get around and do the things I wanted to do because of my weight. I felt so much better and more energetic it was unbelievable. Eating while away from home was a lot more difficult. Finding things that appealed to my pickyness and were good for me was hard. I didn't do great but I didn't gain weight either. I mostly snacked and didn't do meals so much. When I got home I was very ready to sit down to a regular meal.

The fur babies are good. Sara still sometimes seems a bit down and lonely. She also seems a bit jealous of Lizzie and will react by just going elsewhere. I feel bad about this. With Luna she would shove her way onto my lap regardless but Lizzie not so much. Yet she will sit next to Lizzie on the chair or window seat and will occasionally try to play with Lizzie. Lizzie is doing good too. It's still a work in progress and she is still incredibly timid but there have been improvements. I've come to understand that she has her "safe" places in the house that I can approach her, love on her etc and then the rest of the house is hit and miss. Depending on how much time I spend working with her. I don't know how much is related to outright abuse or severe neglect. I've realized that prior to me adopting her she had probably never been outside or treated like a pet. She at first seemed to have no concept of what outside was. Now she LOVES going outside although sometimes her timidness gets in the way of me getting the leash on her to go out. She adores me and get so excited to see me come home in the mornings. She seems to also suffer from separation anxiety but we're working on that as well. It's very slow but there is improvement.

So a very long post to say that I'm still here. I still read blogs although tend to fall pretty far behind at times. I've also just remembered again that I am still frequently forgetting about my couple of password protect friends out there. I'm sorry. If it doesn't pop up in my reader or e-mail (I remember one blog I used to read that was PWP that I got an e-mail whenever she posted) I forget about it. Then I've also spent less time on my computer lately too. Now, I think I'll turn in for an early bed time since I was up late today with a dental appointment.