The Road Trip to No Where

Ok, so yesterdays road trip didn't go nearly as well as I had hoped it would. I got up and went in search of my cinnamon roll I had been craving all week and while I had one, it still wasn't really what I was hoping for. I need to just find a Cinnabon. Then headed of for King's Canyon which I have heard was really pretty. So I followed the freeway signs until the freeway ended and so did the damn signs. I took a left turn which I wasn't sure was the right direction but seemed like it was. Drove past a really big pretty lake (wish I had Sadie, she would love the lake) and kept going, and going, and going. Then the road started getting smaller, and smaller and smaller. Pretty soon the road wasn't much more than a one lane dirt path and I was forced to admit that I had made a wrong turn somewhere, probably 70 miles back in Fresno. I finally found a place in the road that was wide enough to turn around and headed back the direction I came. I finally saw a forest service truck coming my way and flagged him down. I told him that I had been trying to get to King's Canyon at which point he laughed and told me I was way off. He told me how to get there (no there were no signs at the point he told me to turn at, I checked on the way back) but by the time I made it back to the turn off point, it was after 1pm so I decided to skip it for the day. Next week I will try again. The drive yesterday was pretty but somewhat frustrating that I never made it to my destination. Also I started getting a headache and when I was driving back the twisty roads kind of left me feeling queasy which was odd as I've never had that happen before. But that was my road trip for the week. Now I'm back to work tonight, off tomorrow then work 2 more days and off 2. I am hoping for my next schedule I get more than 2 days in a row off sometimes as I spend all of the first day sleeping and then I have 1 day.

Busy Week

Well, it's been a very busy week with moving, work etc. Work has been crazy busy. And there is a unit secretary that last night I decided was a heartless witch but that's another story which is probably better dropped. Things seem to be going fine with the new apartment. I did get an e-mail today from my agent with the company I work for saying that since I left the motel earlier than the 13 weeks, my rate for the days I stayed there will be more than the original 50 dollars a day. Great. Oh well, it's done and nothing I can do to fix it now.
My body seems to be doing strange things. Usually my CM shows up on day 10 or 11 of my cycle and I think I am CD 13 today and it finally just showed up. I didn't think I was that stressed. I hadn't realized what CD I was since I'm not temping (can't ever remember to anymore and they were so crazy up and down anyways), plus I haven't been very good at remembering to turn my CBFM on lately. As a matter of fact, I've been so bad at it that last month I never got a peak and so far this month I've only POAS once and it's CD13. Oop's. I'm thinking that maybe buying that wasn't the best use of money. It seems like something that would work great if I had a ready and endless supply of sperm but since I don't, it's basically a really expensive opk.
I've had kind of an interesting last few days. About 2 years ago I sort of gave up on men. I had reached a point where emotionally I couldn't handle being shot down again which is what seems like always happens. Sorry if that sounds whiny but I'm almost 37 and of all the guys I've liked in my life (there have been quite a few) I can think of maybe 2 who have actually made it clear they were interested. Usually the men seem to run. I don't know if it's because I'm just picking the wrong guys (a very good possibility) or if I somehow manage to send out some weird "go away" vibe that I'm unaware of. That is all a different and would be a very long post but anyways. 2 years ago I pretty much gave up. Almost a year ago when I realized that I really wanted to have a baby and that I was going to try to do this on my own, men sort of ceased to exist. That was really odd for me who has spent time virtually every day since I was like 14 thinking about guys, boyfriends, marriage etc to wake up one day and realize that I couldn't remember the last time I had thought about meeting the right guy. Thoughts of baby had taken over. It's been like that now since at least August. Until the last few days. I may have mentioned that the floor I'm working on is the floor that the prisoners go to when they are in the hospital (relax everyone I'm not hot after some prisoner). Well, they all have guards that are with them around the clock. They take shifts. So the last few days I have noticed that a few of these guards are really kind of cute. Then I actually caught myself flirting with several of them. It's interesting to me that this part of my psyche isn't dead but the timing feels inconvenient. I want to start TTC again by July. I don't want to delay that date. I also don't want to actually have a baby with someone unless he is going to be around for the long haul which isn't really something that can or should be determined within the next 2 months. Yes, I know it sounds like I am putting the cart before the horse here and worrying about things before I need to, but I'm not really worried (yet) but am just surprised at myself. Not only haven't I thought about men much the last year, but had reached a point where I no longer felt marriage was what I wanted as I am feeling pretty set in my ways. Now to have that part of my brain wake up again feels like a pain in the hiney. I don't want to go back to spending all my time wanting and dreaming about what I don't have. It's too painful. And yes, I know it's just flirting but I'm trying not to think about it much so that it doesn't become hoping or something even bigger. I don't think I have the energy to deal with the desperate wanting for a baby and a man. Not when both still seem pretty elusive. I guess it's hard to explain (and I may sound a bit loony in this post) to many other than my friend R. who has been with me through years of desperately wanting, dreaming about and striving for something that has never happened and which always compounded my depressive problems, the thought of going back to that desperate wanting is scary. Especially in light of the desperate wanting for a baby.

More Happenings

Well, it's been a busy week. I worked Thur, Fri, Sat and that was busy. It went well but it was busy. Then I had my one night off and had to be to corporate orientation today. Yuck. I know it's necessary but yuck anyways. It's the same at every hospital. You spend a day going over safety, HIPPA, disaster plan, codes, corporate compliance etc. All good info but this is the 3rd or 4th time I've been over all this stuff in the last 6 months. So, YUCK. But it's done and I shouldn't have to do it for another 3 months unless I stay here for another contract then it will be longer. There was a big upside to today though. I was talking to a bunch of other travelers about my housing situation, how I opted to take the money instead of having them find my housing and I was having a hard time figuring out what to do. And one of the other travelers announced that she was given a 2 bedroom apartment which she isn't using one bedroom of and she would be willing to rent to me. I told her that I have my cats with me and she said she didn't mind but she would check it with the apartment complex. They didn't care either as long as I paid a pet deposit which is refundable and not to expensive, so I am moving into her apartment tomorrow for $500 a month. The downside is that I still will have to wait on getting Sadie as I think asking to bring my dog too might be a bit much but I had already decided that I was likely going to have to wait to get her until my next assignment anyways as I wasn't real sure how to get her down here sooner. So I will at least have living arrangements that are more private and way cheaper. I am very excited. Then I went to Linen's and Things to get an air mattress, one of the nice aerobed ones and while there, I found a 20% off coupon which I was able to use on the air mattress and so I saved like $60. This way I can gradually pick up a few necessary things and then my next assignment maybe take the money also and I will already have a bed and stuff. So, that is my news for the week. All the more money now to pay bills and maybe a bit extra to buy some spermies with, in case my one vial I have in storage isn't enough. Also I may see if I can get some days off in June to go home and do an AI. It will be near the end of June and close to the end of this assignment.
One other thing thats interesting in an annoying sort of way. This laptop the last 2 days when I turn it on, there is this little thing in the task bar that says it's downloading something and I have no idea what, I can't figure out how to make it tell me or how to stop it or when it will finish. Probably some evil little windows gremlin that's being installed. Don't get me wrong, I liked my windows XP just fine, but I am convinced that Windows Vista is some sort of evil plot. I suppose it's showing how much I dislike changing some things. Like technologies that I have to relearn.

Strange Dreams and Other Happenings

I have had some of the strangest dreams lately. The night before last I dreamed that Oprah wanted to kill me because of my striped socks, which had something to do with a bomb that she wanted and she had to kill me to get the socks, to get the bomb and I was trying to stop her from getting the bomb and the socks. Then last night I dreamed that my cousin wanted me to help her blow up a building (yes I know there is a theme here about bombs and I'm not sure where it's coming from) during some event and I wasn't supposed to get in any trouble. I helped because I didn't really think she would do it but she did and then she told me that she wasn't going to jail alone, she was taking me down with her. In addition to all of this, I was about 8 months pregnant and kept feeling my belly and wondering what was going to happen to my baby. Like I said, very strange. Not much else going on. I didn't really do anything on my days off. I did explore Fresno some but not much else. I am sort of running short on money until I start getting paychecks here so I didn't go anywhere. But I found a bunch of brochures in the laundry room at my hotel for places to go. I have plans.
Other news, I spoke with D and he said he went by my house last Sunday and Sadie wasn't out in the yard and I told him that it was because J. took him to my friends house. I'm feeling a bit better about the situation now. However I'm trying to figure something out. The hotel has it's upsides such as not having to buy toilet paper and that everything is here but it also has it's down sides. It's noisy during the day, not good for a day sleeper, there is no oven which is already getting annoying, having to plan for a day I will stay here all day so that they can come clean the room and me not lose my cats. I also had spoke with other travelers who brought their animals (dogs) and are in apartments. If I look in the paper there are apartments for $600 or so but I'm not sure how it would work with deposits etc and they are unfurnished. Could I get by with buying an air mattress and a few necessary items to survive? If I could and then to could take it all with me from location to location, in the long run I could do better with rent etc, much cheaper than where I'm staying now. Other option is to find a furnished apartment which would be a bit more expensive than where I am now but it would be more private, possibly be furnished a bit better, be more convenient and I could have my dog (wouldn't do it if I couldn't get Sadie). I think for now, I may just try to stay here but for my next assignment I may let my agency find my housing. At least that way they pay the rent and utilities and I can get a better place and have Sadie. Can you tell I miss my doggie. Well, I think I should go get my laundry before it disappears.

Monday

Well, my first couple of nights at work went pretty good. I met some really great people to work with and the work seems good. The wing I will be working on eventually is a new wing and it is the wing where prisoners who are hospitalized and isolation patients will be kept. I'm more bothered by the isolation patients just because it's a pain in the butt. Of course adjusting to new procedures is a bit of an adjustment but otherwise, all is good. I talked with J. (house sitter) today and he told me that he had taken Sadie up to K's (my friend) house this weekend and she played with K's dog and had a great time. So now I'm not sure what to think. He said Sadie had seemed blue with me gone but was doing better. I need to call my neighbor again and ask what she's seen. He does seem to be taking good care of my house as he said he fixed the vacuum, apparently it was clogged which doesn't surprise me with as much as Sadie sheds.
On the TTC or cycle or whatever front, I realized something the last couple of days. It seems like AF has been a lot heavier the last few months since I did AI in February. I know it could be totally unrelated but my periods have been quite a bit heavier and have last longer. Only about a day but longer. Also I've had more cramping, usually cramping only lasts 1 day but I'm on my 3rd day and am still having some minor cramps. I am thinking maybe I should call my doctor and ask if I need to have anything checked out. It just seems weird but maybe I'm over reacting. Imagine that. Me, over reacting.

Back to Nights

Well, tonight will be my first night shift. I'm actually looking forward to it. Things have been very chaotic this week but I'm keeping my attitude positive, I think. After my short orientation on Wednesday when I was told she would call me and let me know about my schedule, I ended up taking a nap and it was too late to call the person who was supposed to call me when I woke up. So, the next morning, my phone rings at 9:30 am and it's her asking why I'm not at work, I was supposed to be there at 7 and she had left me a message the day before. As of now, I've still not ever received a message. Anyways, I showed up 3.5 hours late for work that day but no one seemed to be bothered by it. I ended up being done really early that day and again on Friday which was computer orientation. So, I'm not going to come anywhere close to the 48 hours I'm supposed to get this week. My paycheck may suck big time. At computer orientation, I met another traveler who has a nice apartment she is staying in and I'm going to look into that and see if it's a cheaper option than where I'm at now. Then this morning I got a phone call from one of my neighbors at home saying that Sadie is outside and alone all the time and seems so lonely and the neighbor didn't even know if he was bringing her inside at night. So now I'm not sure how to broach the subject with J. about how Sadie is doing and her being alone so much. I've gotten a couple of messages from him saying she is doing fine. The neighbor said not to tell him that she called me. I did call D. and ask him to stop by once in a while to see Sadie. I just don't know what to think. I know that Sadie misses me, she hates it when I leave. I'm trying not to worry about her. That's not working very well. So, more stress.
Otherwise things are ok. I'm making plans for things I want to do while I'm here. I want to drive up to Yosemite, I found out there is a zoo here and so want to go to that. There's some place called Kings Canyon and I'm not sure what it is but I may go there. I really would like to go to LA for a couple of days and go to Disneyland and Universal Studios. Also would like to go to San Francisco and go to the Great America park and ride the rollercoasters. Also I'm trying to figure out when I'm going start TTC. I am hating waiting. I had thought to try again in July but I hate waiting that long. I am so anxious to get started and I hate the idea of waiting (also my impatience showing through). Every time I go through a cycle and notice the increase in CM etc, I feel like I'm wasting an opportunity to try and it drives me nuts. I just don't want to wait anymore. But I know I need to wait at least a couple more months. Maybe I could go home for a couple of days in June to try. I'll have to wait and see what the schedule is like.

Short Day

Well, my day that began at 7am ended at 11am. I got to the office I was supposed to go to and was told, oh you didn't get the message that you weren't supposed to come today?? No. I wish I had, I could have slept later. Oh well. Not totally sure how that works with my timecard/pay but I will figure it out. I have been out exploring some. Fresno is way bigger than I would have thought it was based on looking at it on a map. I also found the hospital yesterday which is good. It looks like a really large hospital. I'm excited to get started. The last 2 days the weather has been fantastic but it's cold and rainy/cloudy today. That's ok though as it is probably needed anyways and I had no plans that are ruined. The kitties are doing good. They seem to have adjusted fine. I got a text message from J. (the housesitter) this morning saying that house and Sadie were both fine. Not much else going on. I thought of a question though that if anyone has input I would appreciate. A comment to my last post mentioned to have progesterone level rechecked because clomid may not raise it enough. I have that covered in that I had a prescription for a progesterone level to be done at 7 dpo the month I AI. I had asked about Progesterone supplements and she said she didn't feel it was necessary at this time because I've never had a miscarriage but to check levels at 7 dpo. Ok, well the whole I've never had a miscarriage thing doesn't reassure me much since I've never had an opportunity to miscarry. If I wait until 7 dpo for the level, is that too late to start supplements and still have bean be ok??? I thought about going out and getting the progesterone cream and just doing that but then my 7 dpo level will not be an accurate picture of what is really going on. But I would hate to actually get a BFP and then miscarry because I don't have progesterone supplements. But then I understand the whole not taking unnecessary meds. Again, any input would be good.

Life on the Road

Well, I finally made it to Fresno today. Today was a short drive as I had stopped in Turlock to stay with a friend but yesterday I drove 10.5 hours from Portland, Or to Turlock, Ca. The trip for the most part went fairly well. Luna stayed under my seat for the entire day on Saturday and Sara was under there too for most of that day. Yesterday Luna finally came out around Medford, Or but then went back under the seat until we got to Turlock and today she actually stayed out. However Sara decided today that she was just DONE with being in the car and pretty much bitched all the way. Poor baby. They seem content now. I am staying at an Extended Stay America hotel where I have furniture, cable TV, high speed internet and a kitchenette where I can cook etc. I think it will work well and I start work on Wednesday. I will be able to blog etc the whole trip as I brought my laptop with me. Lots was happening before I left. My doctors appt on Friday with my ob/gyn went well (really well, I didn't have to get on the scales). She said my egg reserve was good but progesterone was low. So, I have a prescription for Clomid to take on the cycle I'm going to AI and I will let her know at the beginning of the month (June or July depending on work schedules) before I do it and then go home for the actual AI which she will do. At this point, I'm planning to go home for it because I just don't feel up to the task of changing my address/dealing with shipping from NW and I definitely don't feel up to the task of finding another doctor who will be size friendly. I also at the very last minute found someone to house sit for me. I had dinner with a friend Friday night and was saying that I wished I had someone who could just stay at my house without me moving my stuff out and watch my dog etc. She said her boyfriend was looking for a place as he just found out he had to move. So, we got together, discussed terms and he's staying at my house and watching my dog. So, D doesn't have to (he was glad as he doesn't have a fenced yard) and I don't have to worry about something happening to my house while I'm gone with it being empty. What a relief. So, it is all working out well. I'm excited to be here and be starting a new job. It smells so nice here, like flowers and spring which I had forgotten about since I was in California last year but I think my allergies are going to go nuts. I also want to explore a bit more while I'm here although it may take me a while to find my way around Fresno. I am completely turned around so far and still need to find the hospital. Well, I better finish for now so I can catch up on everyone else before I collapse. Oh and no pics of the hairdo yet as I don't have anyone to take the pic yet. I'm working on it.

My Little Helper and Crazy Fleece Quilt

So I had some time the other day and was making receiving blankets (very easy, just hem a piece of flannel) and decided I should finish my fleece quilt that I had started a year ago. I did the top of it from scraps of fleece I had but never put a back on it. I had to cut it down as I got a bit carried away with sewing blocks together (yes I've mentioned this quilt before) and originally the quilt was larger than a king size bed and I couldn't even manage to fold it on my own. So, I was sewing the back on it and my dear Luna decided that I needed help.

And here is the finished quilt, it's a bit wacky in colors etc but it's very cozy and even though I'm not a very good sewer, I made it.

Now as far as work is going, it's all moving along although I will admit to being a bit stressed out. The hospital north of San Francisco kept saying they wanted me to come down there and work for them but never gave an official ok and I still do not have a contract with them and I was supposed to leave tomorrow. Earlier this week my agent asked if he could submit me to a different hospital and I agreed even though the area where it's at isn't as favorable to me. So as of this morning, I still had heard nothing. My agent called and said the 2nd hospital wanted to interview me and they should be calling back in an hour. Well, they didn't. I talked to him several times during the day and told him I was stressing out. By 3pm I was starting to wonder why virtually everything I do in life starts off with just falling naturally into place and ends up feeling like a total clusterf*ck. Finally at 4:10 someone called (I had told them I wouldn't be available from 4:30-6 because of a hair appt) and said I was supposed to call someone for the interview and gave me a number. So I called this person and she wasn't expecting me and had no idea who I was or what I was calling her for. She told me they had no med/surg travel assignments (what I'm supposed to be doing), they had filled them all today and only had rehab left. Finally she checked somewhere else and realized that I was one of the med/surg nurses that they had planned to hire so she talked to me a bit and then said they would be sending the contract over to the agency tomorrow. Then when I left my hair appointment I had a message from someone else about interviewing me and I called her and she was saying it was for a different position etc but after talking to her, she also said they would send the contract over. So, I have to admit here, I don't know if I spoke with 2 people from the same facility or if I spoke with 2 people from different facilities. The 2nd lady I talked to was the call I had been waiting for all day as she mentioned that she was supposed to call me earlier and didn't get to it. Possibly the 1st person was someone my agent got in touch with to talk to me just to help me relax (I told him I was gaining weight by the minute) but wasn't the person who I was originally supposed to interview with. Also the 2nd lady I spoke with said my application didn't have an references listed so maybe that's why the 1st hospital never contacted me. That's frustrating since I gave them references and I spoke to one of my references and she said she hadn't been contacted yet. Oh well. For now I have a job (I think it's in Fresno) and it's for 13 weeks. Then I can stay or go somewhere else. But I have a job. And a new haircut with new highlights so I'm feeling better. But oh boy do I hope that it all goes smoother from here out.

Snow Gone

Well thank goodness the snow didn't stick much or last. Today was sunny and beautiful but cold. I got a lot more done today. Dog had shots after I located my vet again. She has moved several times in the last couple of years trying to find the right fit and I have followed her from office to office as she knows my animals so well and takes such good care of them. She even did a complimentary nail clipping which was what brought on the whole Sadie needs shots thing as Petsmart wouldn't make an appointment to groom her (including nail clipping) unless she was up to date on vaccines. Also licensed Sadie, loaded up all the goodwill stuff in my garage to be delivered tomorrow. Dr. appt done, and drivers license renewed. Almost done with my list. And I'm packing now. I also decided tonight to make myself an new bed buddy which is the microwave pack things that are full of seeds or rice and they are for sore muscles etc. Yes, I know many of you were thinking of something else when I said bed buddy but no, that's Bob. Anyways, the bed buddy of course didn't go quite as planned. I have a small one that has flax seed in it and it's great as it provides a really good moist and long lasting heat but it's too small. So I decided to make me a new one that was bigger using fleece from a quilt that I am making that is partially done but that originally was way to big as I got a bit carried away with sewing blocks together. So I had these scraps and sewed together a bag and then went to add the flax seed. Which had a hole in the bag. And didn't pour into the fleece bag thing very well. Needless to say, I have flax seed now from one end of my house to the other. It's everywhere. And I have a crappy vacuum that isn't picking it up. And my cats are eating them. In spite of the mess though my bed buddy is done. So not too much left to do other than clean my house so it's not super dirty to come home to. And finish packing. All in all it's going pretty well and I'm sort of excited to leave.

I Can't Freakin Believe It

It's SNOWING!!!!!!! Kind of hard to tell from pic but it actually seems to be sticking a little bit. It's April 2nd and it's snowing. Granted, the weather person last night said it might, and so far it's just flurries, and it's supposed to get up to like 70 by the end of the week. But right now, it's snowing. Most of the time I love living in the inland northwest, this isn't one of those times. Well, I have a big list of things I need to get done this week and I am on my way to actually having them done. I got new tabs for my car, opened a new savings account at my bank, forms for new job notarized, appointment made for dog's shots, left message for a friend who I am using as a reference, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and then will see my ob/gyn on Friday. Still have a bunch of stuff to do though. I should get busy again. I also should maybe put on warmer clothes. In an effort to think positive, I put on capri's and sandals this morning. It actually was sunny this morning, didn't last though. Oh and I have to teach my technology challenged friend who will be watching my house how to use the washing machine and the cable TV. That should be fun.