Shopping!

Yes, I know I shouldn't. But it's so much fun. I went to R0ss to get a new pair of tennis shoes. I had went yesterday and saw they had the kind I wanted (kind of like the shape*up ones although much cheaper than $100 a pair) but didn't have any socks with me to try them on. So I went back today and tried them on and found a pair. The other tennis shoes I have are too big (they were too big when I bought them too like 4 years ago) and since I'm now using them a lot more often I figured I should have some shoes that fit. Well there was an Ave*nue right across the way from R0ss so I went over to have a look to see how much their shorts were. My shorts are all getting too big and Fresno is not the type of place where I can spend a summer without shorts. They had a sale going on so I bought 2 pair of shorts. The great part? I got a size 20!!!! From a 24 or 26 down to a 20!!!! They are a bit snug so I'm hoping they should fit ok for the summer but they fit and I'm so freaking excited. I haven't seen size 20 since 2000. That's 10 years. I also got myself a tank top and and a little sweater vest thing that was really cute. Cause I needed to reward myself for 40 pounds lost you know.

TGIF

Yes, thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. Thank you to every one's encouraging comments on my last post. It's greatly appreciated. I still look at myself and think that I don't see much difference but then last night was thinking that I have essentially lost 4 10 pound bags of sugar. 4. I couldn't pick up and easily carry around 40 pounds all day every day but essentially that's what I was doing and that's what I've lost. So far. That thought makes me feel a lot better. Explains some why I've been hurting less. My back still bothers me but my knees not as much, nor my feet as much.

This morning I woke up with that alarming feeling of having slept too long and looked at the clock to realize that yes I had slept too long. It was 9:32. I'm supposed to be at work at 10am. And if I'm a minute late is counted as half an unexcused absence. Over 30 minutes is a whole unexcused absence. And they've been firing people lately for clocking errors related to being late and when you used your badge to get into the parking garage etc. Needless to say I freaked the hell out. I put my contacts in, threw clothes on and some food into my bag for lunch and ran out the door. I am so glad there were no policemen watching for me on the way to work but somehow I managed to get to work on time. Of course I spent the rest of the day frazzled and feeling icky because I hadn't taken a shower. But I made it to work on time.

It's been a bit of a crazy week. Monday and Tuesday the drama at work continued but it's been stated at this point that they're pretty much done with the whole disciplinary action stuff. It was all really crazy stuff. Writing people up for using their badge to enter a door 20 seconds after the hour. Basically telling people they were lying and that they couldn't have gotten from the parking garage to their unit in x amount of time etc. I've lost a lot of faith in the whole thing. Plus, my supervisor is leaving. She's someone I respect greatly. She's friendly but she's always the ultimate professional. She treats everyone fairly and you know where you stand with her. She is demanding but she also is appreciative to those who can keep up. I'm going to miss her a lot and I think my biggest fear is that whoever we end up with as a new manager isn't going to display her level of professionalism. I've seen too many people here, especially in the area I work who have their favorites or their friendships that cloud the professionalism in their management dealings. This is what worries me. There's not much I can do other than wait and see but it still worries me. Not that worrying helps anything.

4 1/2 Weeks Post Op

So, I didn't manage to get my pics taken last Wednesday at 4 weeks post op but I did finally manage to get some taken today. Turns out no one really knows how to work my camera so it took several tries but I did get pics.

So here were the before shots that were taken about a week before surgery.

And here are the pictures taken today at 4.5 weeks post op. I still don't really see a huge difference (other than how my clothes fit) but looking at the pictures together I can see some difference which is nice. As of this morning I'm down about 37 pounds.

So has anyone else noticed that to drag and drop photos with blogger is near impossible? It hasn't let me do it in a long time. I have to look at the html view and find the breaks between pictures and then cut and paste. Sort of a pain in the hiney.

Another Sunday Night

Well the good news is that I feel better. I was pretty miserable on Thursday and Friday. I don't know if it was something I ate that I shouldn't have or what but I really didn't feel good. So here's hoping this lasts and I remain feeling ok all week. For the time being there won't be any more scrambled eggs with Turkey bacon in my immediate future. I seem to tolerate egg salad fine but not so much the scrambled. At least not yet. I need to get some 1 month post op pictures taken but I haven't managed it yet. I'm not very good at that picture in the mirror thing and haven't had anyone around to take my picture in a while. Maybe I'll take my camera to work tomorrow. I have been working on weighing myself just once a week which has helped. I know last Wed I had finally dropped 2 pounds below the plateau I had hit so that's a plus too.

I don't have much else happening. All of my pants are getting big. Some more than others but I can pretty much pull all of them off without unbuttoning them. It's a nice feeling. I am going to miss some of my favorite clothes though.

Well tomorrow is another day back to work. I've heard that maybe some of the craziness at work is over (boy do I hope so) and that maybe I'll have a nice normal Monday.

Blech!

Yes, that's how I feel. I've been feeling a bit off for a couple of days now. I can't tell if it's from stress or if it's related to the surgery. I had a doctors appointment today. I had made the appointment a couple of weeks ago at my last appointment but hadn't went in while on leave to request the day off two weeks in advance. So I asked about it the other day and was strongly urged to reschedule it as coming in late to work without it being approved wouldn't be good in the current environment and if I was more than I think half an hour late it would count as a whole unapproved sick day. I had figured I'd cancel it but then Tuesday and yesterday I really didn't feel good at all. I was nauseous all day and couldn't figure out why. Looking at the fact that I really didn't feel good I didn't really feel like I could miss the appointment with my surgeon today either. So I called in sick and went to my appointment. He told me to go back to liquids for a couple of days and see if that helps. If I'm still feeling badly next week then we may have to look farther. So today I've had protein shakes and crystal light. I also haven't really wanted much else. Docs theory is that it could be a stricture (I don't think it is because I'm not feeling what is usually given as the symptoms of a stricture) or that it could be an obstruction. Of course he asked about bathroom habits and I realized that I knew it had been a couple of days but not for sure how many days. I suppose I should start keeping track of that as well now. I have been taking stool softeners but so far it's not become a daily habit. Far cry from my previous irritable bowel that used to send me running for the bathroom several times a day. I can't decide which I like least. I finally drank some milk*of Ma*g and that seemed to do the trick for now but I'd love to avoid drinking that on a regular basis.

Since I wasn't going to work I went ahead and went to my appointment with my therapist today too. We did discuss the whole work stress situation and the lack of other options at the moment. We also discussed how I have managed to control my fear of rejection but building a nice little fence around myself that keeps me safe. How I don't let certain things past and how I avoid situations that will take me beyond that fence. I can see it, it's true. Of course the bigger discussion or decision is do I want to leave it there or take it down. On one side, I'm sort of ok in those boundaries. There are things that don't go smoothly or great with it but if you don't want marriage, children etc your much less likely to be hurt when you don't get them. On the other side, left as is you may all be watching me someday on a TV show about hoarders or crazy cat ladies. Yes I know there is a LOT more to it all than the little bit above but for now that's the perspective I'm looking at. Makes me want to pick up my book and disappear a bit. Hmm. I wonder if I'm fixable.

Hump Day

Half way through the week, thank goodness. And boy has it been a downer of a week. Yesterday they fired the LVN in our office which left everyone in a really low mood. There is another one of our clerks who is still waiting to hear what they are going to decide for her. All of it seems very much like they are grasping at things to find. The stress and the tension suck. Wondering who they will call in and escort out next and if you're somewhere on that list. I hate the stress and the politics of the whole thing.

Yesterday I put on one of my favorite pairs of crop pants to go for my evening walk with my neighbor and by the end of the walk I decided that it was official, they are just too big. Imagine my happiness. They kept falling down the whole time and are just so baggy they are uncomfortable. Yay!!!!!! So, into the box of things that are too big they go. Also the scale finally did start to go down a bit too which is a nice feeling as well. Also yesterday I tried a scrambled egg with a piece of turkey bacon cut up in it. Turns out my tummy wasn't that impressed with that. I only ate like half of it and was sort of queasy all day. Hmm, maybe I'll stick with my pureed foods for a bit longer as I'm having no problems with them.

Luna seems to be doing ok, her ears aren't twitching uncontrollably any more which is a plus. I didn't make her submit to the ear cleaning last night. I'll watch her a couple of days and see how she does.

Back To Work

Yes, I went back to work today. Mostly and ok day although there is still an awful lot of drama going on. There have been several people fired lately and now people are quitting because of dissatisfaction. I understand the quitting part as I'm not super impressed with all the firing, writing people up etc. It all seems very petty. My goal is to try to keep my nose down and stay out of the way. Hope that works. I can't apply for another position in the hospital until like August I'm pretty sure. I still really like my job but if it's going to be miserable with management I don't know that I will want to stay. Basically one of the primary managers who didn't do much to support me etc back in the previous position when I was being harassed is making life difficult for a whole lot of people. I didn't trust her then, I don't trust her now and it's looking like she will soon be much more involved in my specific department. So, I guess we'll see what happens. I finally got some of my protein stuff today that I ordered last week. I was down to stuff that was all nasty. Many of the protein shake things thicken up really quick which I don't love. It's sort of a texture thing. I did also get some espresso flavored protein powder stuff to try and it was so cool, the company sent me one of their mixer containers with it. The mixer container is like $6 so I was pretty impressed to get it free with my purchase. I haven't tried the stuff yet though since drinking caffeine right before bed probably isn't a good idea. Not too much else happening so far this week. Yesterday I had another exhaustion day and did next to nothing. Today I felt fine though. It was weird to put make up and scrubs on today for the first time in nearly 4 weeks. It was nice though to note that the scrub pants are a bit roomy on me though.

Oh and I almost forgot. I got the insurance paperwork for my surgery finally. The out of pocket for me? Looks like it's going to be less than $1000. I'm amazed. And thankful that I have good insurance that covered this and let me do something so positive for myself.

Saturday

Not really my favorite Saturday either since I am going back to work on Monday. Oh goody. I am not really looking forward to it either since I've been hearing there is an awful lot of drama going on at work. As in multiple people have been fired, written up etc. Nope, not looking forward to that at all.

This morning started off with a kitty acting strangely and ending up needing a trip to the vet. Luna kept twitching her ears. Like she'd be sleeping and her ears would be twitching almost non stop. Other than that she seemed fine but the twitching wouldn't quit. It started to worry me some though because it wasn't stopping. Also the vet I take the girls to is open on Saturday until 2pm and takes walk ins but I knew that after 2 it would be the emergency vet clinic which is way more expensive. So after considering the options I decided I would rather take her early in the day and pay less and have it be nothing than end up having to take her to the emergency clinic later. Turns out this was a good plan. She seems to have ear infections and had nasty gunk in both ears. She got her ears cleaned out and some ear drops. All of which she was hugely unimpressed by. It was sort of comical the way she looked after all that stuff went in her ears. Poor baby. I have no idea whatsoever how a cat gets ear infections though.

I have finally made myself quit weighing myself daily as it's making me crazy. I'm going to try to stick to weekly. I was on a GBS board and someone else posted her weight loss calendar for the last year and that made me feel better about the plateau right now. I'll just keep drinking my protein shakes and walking and all that good stuff. It will happen. I'm looking forward to some of the other protein sample things I have coming next week. I ordered a bunch of different samples to try. One thing though is a lot of the protein "shakes" get thick way to quickly. I don't love the thick stuff to drink. It's working though. And I do feel better. I feel a lot better than I did 30 pounds ago which is something else I need to focus on. The rest will come. I think.

Stalled At 3 Weeks

Or a plateau or whatever you want to call it. I have been hovering right around the same weight now for almost a week and trying not to get overly frustrated and not to have moments of anxiety thinking what if after all this I only lost 30 pounds. I know. Unlikely, maybe even impossible and it's just anxiety speaking but those are the thoughts that race around my brain in the middle of the night. I'm walking daily but working on going a bit more, usually twice daily this week. I'm also really still working on the increased protein intake. That part isn't so easy. I don't love most of the protein supplements. I had found a couple before surgery that were ok but now after drinking them daily for 3 weeks they aren't so good any more. Yesterday I discovered that if I took one of my protein shot things (2 oz and 25 grams of protein) and mixed it with water and then threw some crystal light in with that it was better. I also found a web site that had a whole bunch of recipes that I will start trying. I ordered some of the protein powder I tried last week that was pretty good but it won't be here until next Monday. I got some other stuff today but it really isn't that good. So, it's still a work in progress. I'm still completely satisfied with pureed foods. I don't have a lot of variety right now but that's ok. I'll get there. My vegetables come mostly in the form of V*8 juice. Mostly I'm eating beans in various forms (refried and chili), eggs made into an egg salad and tuna. I did also get some canned salmon today to try pureeing to see how that is. The thing that is still sort of surprising to me is that I'm not having that many cravings. Yes when I'm out and about and I smell something then I crave it but as soon as the smell is gone usually the craving is too. I also have been fast forwarding through all TV commercials to avoid most of the food ads. Cravings for soda have been pretty much non-existent which is probably the most surprising to me.

I do have a bit of a funny story though from yesterday. Yesterday I had to go to Rite*Aid to pick up something of a somewhat personal nature (no, not tampons). I flinched a little at the young 20 something guy at the only open cash register but oh well. Life goes on. So I go up with my purchase and he finishes it up and then asks me if I want a bag? Really?? You have to ask that?? No, thanks I'd rather just walk out yelling to everyone what my problem is and holding my purchase high! Seriously. Of course I want an f'ing bag. There are some things in life that should be a given that it always needs to go into a bag, no questions asked!

How You Doin?

Me? I'm doing pretty good.

Sorry about my rant last night. I was beyond annoyed by the ending of that movie. I so wish that if Hollywood was going to throw IF into a movie they would at least get the information right. It's not like there aren't enough things that give the general public a bad impression of infertility already.

Anyways, Happy Mother's Day to all those mother, those who are waiting to be mothers, and those who are missing their babies. Even to those of us who only have 4 legged babies.

I've been doing a lot better since Friday. I've been working hard to up my protein and fluid intake. That has helped a lot. I've also been let myself nap without guilt. I've taken a nap almost every day and I've still been able to sleep at night which is great. I've been going for my walk daily and though I'm eager to start doing more I'm also being careful to start doing more slowly. Food toleration is going pretty well. All my pureed foods aren't exactly pretty but they taste fine. Yesterday I decided to make some chili. At first it was going to be meatless since I usually use hamburger and I'm supposed to avoid beef at first but at the last minute I threw in some canned chicken and it tastes ok. I froze part of it for later consumption and the rest is all pureed and ready to go. I do need to either start cooking in much smaller amounts or get a bigger freezer to freeze all the extras. My vegetable intake so far as mostly consisted of V*8 juice. My fluid intake is good. Protein intake is still a push for me. I'm eating high protein stuff with all my meals but since my meals are still pretty small it still isn't enough. The protein supplements are hard for me. I've got the coffee drink stuff I found that I like. I just ordered some chocolate powder that I really liked and will do that daily but the vanilla and strawberry from the same company are really not that good. The drinks I have been drinking are getting harder for me to get down. At first the flavor was really good but now not so much. I have some unflavored protein powder to add to stuff but so far the things I've added it to (crystal light and other drinks) haven't been that palatable. So, that's still a work in progress. On Wednesday I will be 3 weeks post op. As of today I'm down 30 pounds. I can't freaking believe it either. I feel better. I'm not hurting as much as I did before. Strangely the things I thought that I would be really craving (like sweets) are not really the things I'm craving. I'm craving chicken (whole, not pureed) and pizza still. I've had almost no soda cravings at all. I've noticed that often when I finish a meal my mouth will feel like it should still be eating but I stop for a bit to give my stomach time to send it's input and usually my stomach says "nope, we're done." So far I can't see the difference really when I look in the mirror but I can tell my clothes are all looser. I'm planning on taking photos once a month to watch my progress of weight loss. This all just seems so unreal. For so long I felt like I'd never lose the weight and here I am loosing it. It feels good. Still not easy but good.

Can I Scream Now Or Should I Just Puke!

Hollywood sucks. They can take a good movie and ruin it in about 10 seconds flat. I just witnessed it yet again. Yes this is a spoiler if any one is still waiting to watch "Did you hear about the Morgans".

Relatively cute movie, a little unrealistic but cute. Happy ending which is my favorite type. Of course they had the little bit of infertility mentioned in the movie since that seems to be so popular in movies and books now. The premise was that the couple lost themselves after IF treatments, had problems, separated. It happens. The getting back together and working things out may have been a bit unrealistic but still cute movie overall. During the course of the movie she mentions that she had signed up to adopt. That's cool, I'm still good with this. Happy ending that they get back together and you see them flying in 6 months later with their foreign adoption baby. Again, unrealistic but ok still cute and happy ending. Then there is the final shot of her holding the new baby looking out their apartment window over central park and it shows her with a beautiful baby belly. Because of course! We all know that as soon as someone decides to adopt they of course get pregnant. It ALWAYS happens right?? Fuckers. They couldn't just leave it at an adoption that was a bit unrealistic.

Strange And Not So Strange

For the life of me I can't figure out why every time I sign in to blogger it says I have comments to moderate when there are no comments there. Sometimes the number stays the same, other times it changes. This time it said there were 52 comments to be moderated. Weirdness.

I'm doing better today but the last couple of days have been rough. I have been so completely exhausted that getting up off the couch has been a huge effort. No energy and nausea to go along with it made me a not so happy camper. I had called the doctors office yesterday and asked them to approve another week off work which they happily did. My first thought was that since I had started eating and wasn't drinking my meals that I wasn't getting enough fluid. That does explain the nausea some. After some additional research today I also figured out that I'm still not getting enough protein. So, my goal for the next week is to really work harder at both. I found a protein shake that I really like which will be helpful. I have had some protein drinks that I've been drinking that are 40 grams of protein in a 20 oz bottle but I have a hard time getting through the whole bottle at once. It tastes good, to a point and then it just doesn't. The new protein stuff I ordered some single serve portions and for the chocolate at least there isn't any of the yucky protein taste which is awesome. I'm going to try the vanilla tomorrow morning in a smoothie. Hopefully I'll be able to bump this up enough that I won't be so tired. Otherwise food is going pretty well. Of course most of what I've eaten at this point is egg salad and refried beans and cottage cheese but still it's going pretty good. I've been walking fairly regularly which is good but after the elliptical on Tuesday which so completely kicked my butt I think I'm going to stay off that for a bit longer.

Not much else going on. Tomorrow there is a cat fanciers cat show here in town and I really would like to go, I'm hoping to make it there. Otherwise I'm pretty much staying home and chilling out. Oh except yesterday when me and the kitties had to leave the house for the bug guy to spray. Now maybe those nasty little fuckers will stay out of my kitchen. The bugs not the cats.

Tired

I've been so tired today and just not feeling good. There hasn't been really anything that I can put my finger on and say "this is bugging me" but I've just felt off. Even my neighbor commented that our walk was a bit slower this evening. I don't know if it's because I've been having a hard time falling asleep at night or if it's because I've been pushing myself too much. I know that my trip on the elliptical the other day really kicked my butt big time and I felt horrible for about an hour after that. I have been a little queasy and I was told before surgery that if I was feeling nauseous it was likely because I needed fluid and to push fluids. I've been trying to do that all day, even drank my breakfast instead of food but it's been hard. I'll keep trying though and hope I feel better tomorrow. If not I think I need to call the doctor since I'm supposed to go back to work on Monday. And yes as much as I've been a bit bored around the house, I'm also a little anxious about going back to work.

Now I suppose I should try to go to bed since I have to be up early again in the morning to get me and the cats out of the house so they can come spray for creepy crawly critters. Oh fun times.

Yay For Food

So post op doctors appointment this morning. My doctor looked a bit alarmed at my proclamation that I wanted food when he asked how I was doing. I then clarified a bit by saying that I may never eat broth or jello again. We talked about the food stuff, talked about the fact that I am seeking counseling, activity and that oh so wonderful conversation that seems to thrill all us health care individuals so much... bowel habits. All is fine by the way. Incisions are healing. According to him I'm down 22 pounds. I had lost 2 pounds the day before surgery in the whole cleanse process. Whatever. I'm happy with my weight loss. I'm also incredibly happy that I was approved to start eating pureed foods. Works for me. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and got some needed stuff and then came home and had some fat free refried beans with a bit of cheese. It was heavenly. I'm thinking maybe egg salad for dinner. I also feel better. Granted I'm not necessarily expecting it to last super long but for now I'm satisfied and not having cravings. So yay!!! One thing that I find very interesting though is that I had truly thought that one of the things I'd have the hardest time with is soda and I have had almost no cravings for at all. This is a great thing. Exercise I'm doing good. I've been walking, bike riding and I did go over this afternoon and hopped on the elliptical. That sort of kicked my butt. To think I used to do 30 minutes and 20 made me feel like I was going to puke and then die. Maybe I'll stick with walking and bike riding for a few more days.

At any rate I'm doing really good. I can't see the weight loss but I can tell my clothes are looser. I hadn't wanted to buy any new stuff right now but I had to finally break down and go buy bras yesterday since the under wires in most of my bras have died lately. I was left with a bright purple one and a gray one that I hate. I bought two yesterday in two different sizes so hoping they work for the next several few months at least.

Now What

Thanks everyone on your well wishes for my 21 pounds lost. I don't know what my next goal will be yet. Maybe a massage. I don't know when yet either. Either 30 or 40 pounds. Maybe the pedicure for 30 (by then I'll need it) and then a massage for 40.

So last week I mentioned that I was having a hard time with food cravings. Really hard time. It was better over the weekend but I'm back to craving today. Tomorrow is my appointment with the surgeon and I'm hoping he will tell me I'm ok to eat tomorrow but if not, Wednesday is 2 weeks. Last week though when I started really having a hard time I called the therapist that I had seen pre-operatively. She works with a lot of GBS patients and has had the procedure herself. I had an appointment today. I think it helped some basically to be told yet again that everything I'm feeling the last week or so is totally normal and all that but it has also high lighted the fact that I have other bits of junk in my life that I haven't dealt with in a very long time outside of using food and shopping as a coping mechanism. Right now I don't have either. So on going plan is for some regular sessions to see if I can figure out what to do with the stuff that has been cluttering up my mind for years upon years. A spring cleaning of the mind. I've tried therapy a couple of times before with fairly limited success but at those times we really only looked at or dealt with pretty much one area of anxiety or stress that was currently happening. My goal now is to try to address all those things that I've never really addressed. And to find some other way to deal with my life than food or shopping. Work in progress as always but I feel good about having done something. Only potential hitch is that her hours are 10-6 and I work 10-6:30. Hopefully I can find a way to work around that.

New Reward System

I told myself that with this weight loss journey I needed to find a new way of rewarding myself. Let's face it. I've spent 39 year either being rewarded or rewarding myself for accomplishments with food. That just won't work. So I had decided before surgery that I had figure out nice things to do for myself like massages or pedicures. Right now I still don't think I could lay on my stomach for 50 minutes for a massage so that's sort of out.

I had decided though last week that when I reached the 20 pounds lost I would buy myself some new earrings. The hoops I have now I wear 24/7 in the upper holes and then the lower holes I switch different earrings out daily. I've had my current hoops for probably 11 years and only really had them out for the 1.5 years of nursing school. It's time for new ones. I also used to be into gold jewelry and the hoops are gold but now tend to prefer silver. So. Today I bought myself some new silver hoops and some silver wire spiral hoop things. As of this morning I'm down 21 pounds!

What If: National Infertility Awareness Week

So my post is jumping in near the dead line but it's taken some days to brew in my head. I don't know if the brewing is done yet but here goes.

Life in general tends to be full of what if's. Infertility takes that tendency towards what if's and makes it multiply like rabbits. In looking at the list of topics I know that most all of those "What If" questions and topics have crossed my mind at one time or another. The big one of course is What if I never become a mother. This one is scary and at one time was my biggest fear. I don't know if it's my biggest fear any more as I've reached a point where I know that if it doesn't happen I will be ok. My life won't end. That doesn't mean I don't want it any less, just that I have contemplated the very real possibility of living life child free and realized that life still goes on.

My current list of what if's are:

What if I hadn't waited until I was done with nursing school and more "stable" financially?

What if I had an endless and or ready supply of sperm? Could I manage to get pregnant on my own if I could try every month?

What if I had been more fearless when I was younger and had gotten pregnant then?

What if I hadn't done my first IVF cycle but had done a few more IUI cycles?

What if I could actually get pregnant by having sex?

What if I had the resources somehow to try again? Could I allow myself to spend that much money again?

The biggest what if right now is what if money had no impact on my family building decisions?

For me right now the biggest impact infertility has on my life is the financial impact. I think about what if fertility treatments could be covered by insurance which is a fabulous thought but still a bit unreal. I actually do live in a state that some level of IF coverage is mandated but amounts aren't. My lifetime amount of infertility coverage on my insurance? Three thousand dollars. Depending on the doctor and protocol? That could be one IUI with a very small chance of success. Excuse me if that doesn't feel like it would do much good. To save up for another IVF cycle or a donor egg cycle would probably take me a good 4-5 years at this point. Why? Because my struggles with IF to this point have left me pretty much on the brink of financial ruin. The first 2 years that I was trying I was in my late 30's and I was working as a travel RN and making more money than I am now and it always seemed like I was racing against the clock. Much more important to do an IVF cycle sooner and pay it off later. This was totally doable then. Then I did it again. One last IVF with my own eggs. Yes, I financed through credit cards and health care accounts 2 IVF cycles. Do you have any idea how much it sucks making those payments every month when I have nothing to show for it? I know I was paying for a chance. Had I come out on the positive end to statistics I probably wouldn't care about making those payments. Now though it just feels like a crappy reminder every month. Then because of those bills, because of the change in the economy and job changes my income took a hit. I barely manage to pay all my bills every month and my house in Washington is probably about 2 months away from foreclosure. Because I gambled and I lost.

The big question for me is what if families or women didn't have to base their family making decisions on their income. What if my finances didn't play a part in whether or not I could have a baby. If they didn't I would try again likely with donor eggs or embryos since I no longer have faith in my own body. However without a change in the way infertility is or isn't covered by insurance I may not ever try again unless I choose to go to another country for a donor egg cycle or I receive the gift of donor embryos from someone and then am able to do a cycle for less than 5 thousand. I could also take the one left over vial of sperm I have left and throw it up my coochie just to see what happens but lets face it at 40 almost 41 which is what I'll be when I can try again after having surgery recently the chances of that working are so freaking slim it's not even funny.

The upside about infertility (and yes believe it or not, there is one) is that through this process I have learned or taught myself to some extent that even if nothing turns out the way I want or hope it will I can still find happiness in my life and that I will still be ok. Had you asked me in my 20's if I would be ok with never being married and never being a mother I would have said absolutely not. I could not have fathomed such a life nor did I have any desire to. Yet here I am at almost 40 (holy crap 51 days till my 40th birthday!) and I'm ok. Not anywhere near where I thought I'd be and I have no idea what my future holds but I'm good.

Infertility sucks. It affects 7.3 million Americans. Many of these people live what can feel like a second or secret life. Not telling others about their struggles. We live with the questions like "when are you going to have children?" or "why don't you just adopt?" Educating people that infertility is not just a personal issue or a life choice problem but is a real medical condition can help. For more information on infertility a good place to visit is www.resolve.org/infertility101. If you'd like more information on the back ground of National Infertility Awareness Week you can go to www.resolve.org/takecharge. To read more wonderful and heartfelt posts from others who either are currently or have struggled with infertility you can go to http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/.

No Wonder

No wonder why I'm fucking hungry. I just figured it out. It seems that I am currently consuming approximately 500 calories or less per day. Today was probably about 350. Of course that would also explain the 3 pounds per day weight loss so I guess I'm not complaining too much. Except for the fact that I want to eat some food! Four days to the pureed diet. I never thought I would be looking forward to baby food this much.