It Just Keeps Getting Better

So I will start off this post by mentioning that I'm really not easily offended. I tend to have a bit of a dirty mind and sick twisted sense of humor and stuff doesn't often offend me. I do however also realize that there is a time and a place and for the most part that time and place isn't work. I've had ongoing problems at work. Many fat comments for a long time from one charge nurse and another charge nurse who seems to think that if one person is working everyone needs to be. Kind of interesting when most all their patients are 1:1 (one nurse to one patient). I finally complained about the fat comments a couple weeks ago as in my opinion they had become truly offensive. For the record I've complained about the other charge nurse as well but her actions aren't anything that would be considered a "legal" issue. So the fat comments. Have pretty much ended. Of course the charge nurse in question only speaks to me if she absolutely must about work related things only. From one stand point this is fine I don't like her and don't need to be her friend, from another standpoint it adds to the discomfort in that I'm still working in one large room with people who don't speak to me and make it clear I'm not particularly liked. I'm trying very hard to ignore it and stay out of it but this nurse is so incredibly loud all the time that you'd have to be dead not to hear her. Also everyone in the area I work seems to think she's just the greatest thing (she does come across as being fun loving and outgoing) and I'm guessing or assuming that she has talked to some of them as they are definitely acting different around me. People who always made it a point to say hi to me and ask how I'm doing no longer do. I'm guessing that if she was fired for all of this my work environment would deteriorate further. This is the reason I've decided I seriously need to get myself out of this work environment. So last night the charge nurse of the fat comments was talking to one of the other nurses and since she's so loud I of course overheard some of the conversation. She was talking about a male charge nurse from another unit who had been in the men's restroom and another man was in there using the facilities and I didn't catch all of it but basically there was discussion about the size of the other charge nurses penis. These two were laughing up a storm over this. I sat there feeling absolutely appalled. This is so not appropriate work conversation. It's just crazy that she thinks this is ok. However I must admit that if it had been a different person I don't know if I would have been nearly as offended by it. I hope I would but I don't know. I also have to admit that it wasn't necessarily what was said but that it was said about someone else we work with and how would he feel if it got back to him that others were laughing at this.

Yes I realize that I really should go to the manager about this but again, should she end up not being employed there any longer I highly doubt my life will improve in any manner. Also since it was only the two who were laughing and me, I guess we can figure that she'll know it was me who complained. I simply want the hell out of this department. Now.

Show And Tell

So I haven't participated in show and tell for a long time. I haven't felt like I've had much to share. Plus I keep forgetting it being on Wednesday. However this week I have something. Last year one of my show and tell posts was this pendant I had found and fell in love with. I wasn't sure how I was going to wear it as I don't usually wear necklaces but it was one of those had to have things. It's a ruby that's not all polished up and cut like you would usually see. I've tried it with cloth ribbon sort of things. Many said it would make a great choker but I can't do chokers. I hate having stuff like that around my neck. So when I was in Monterey this last weekend I saw a silver store and started looking for a chain to go with it. I found one I liked but it was like a hundred dollars on sale which was way more than I wanted to pay. Later I was walking on the pier and saw another silver shop and went in to see what they had. One of the first things I saw there was this:

This is a bracelet to go with my necklace. I think it's rubies also although they are a little lighter and I forgot to ask. They do however pretty much look the same. I did also get a chain for the pendant. It wasn't quite the one I wanted but it was much cheaper and I figure I can always get the more expensive one later if I still want it. The owner of the shop though gave me a fantastic deal on the bracelet and the necklace so I was so excited.

Decisions

Have I ever mentioned that I hate making big decisions? I do. I tend to go back and forth on it and obsess about it quite a bit. I'm doing it again. And I'm afraid to blog about it because I'm afraid you will all think I'm awful and not very good mother material. Which tells me that I still need to work more on not worrying so much what other people think. However I really need to get this out.

I've had Sadie (my dog) for 8 years and I love her very much. I had gotten her back when I was with D and she started off as our dog. When we split up I took her with me and there were some days that the only thing that got me out of bed was her sitting there doing a peepee dance. In the first few years that I got her I took her with me everywhere. We went to the park for long walks and to the river to swim and if I went on a trip she went too. Of course I was a student then and while I was busy I was still only working part time. When I finished school and went back to work full time and got busier we didn't do as much of the walks etc. For a while I was really spoiled in that I had a neighbor who loved her and would take care of her whenever I went out of town so it was never much work to figure out. He also took care of her on the nights I worked so I didn't have to worry about her not being able to go potty in over 12 hours. Then a couple of years ago I took off to travel and left her home. I had at first planned to soon bring her with me but it was difficult as it was finding temporary housing for myself and 2 cats and she was doing ok at home. For a while I had considered finding her another home since I didn't know when I was going to stop traveling and I wanted her to be well cared for. When I finally settled into Fresno I was so excited to finally have her here with me as I had missed her. Shortly after she got here though I remembered how much work she was. I was back to trying to figure out what to do with her at night while I work. I hate to leave her outside all night, especially when it's so warm out like it is now but I hate to leave her inside without a potty place too. I would be more than happy to leave her in with a potty pad for her to use but she won't use it. She will hold it (and get a bladder infection) rather than potty in the house. It's also more difficult to take off and go somewhere out of town with her here. I have to find someone to take care of her or stay with her, especially now that she's on medicine twice a day. It's also not always very easy to take her places. A lot of places I'd like to go that really aren't very dog friendly. I've been working around all of this though and it's been ok. I've felt bad often that she doesn't get enough attention. Every other week I do five 12 hour shifts in a row. On those days I can't manage much other than to work, sleep and eat. I may sit at my computer for half an hour to unwind a bit before going to bed. Walks etc do not happen though and I've had a lot of weeks where I feel like I'm neglecting her. I've tried playing with her and she pretty much looks at me like I'm crazy. I've never been the player. I've been the walker, the care taker but not the player. She doesn't fetch or play with toys like many other dogs do. That may sound odd but that's the only way I can describe it.

When I went to Spokane a couple of weeks ago a coworker offered to keep her at her house while I was gone. It was fantastic. Her whole family loves Sadie. She got to go for 2 long walks a day. There are little kids to play with and Sadie loved them. They text me that they miss her. They've hinted that they would like to have her stay with them more permanently. Sadie went and stayed with them again this weekend while I went to Monterey. When my coworker showed up to pick her up Sadie was so happy and excited to see her. Pretty much more excited to see her than she usually is to see me. Which got me to thinking about the fact that a year ago I was sort of wishing I could find a really good home for Sadie where she got more attention than I was able to give her. And how it looks sort of like I may have found that now. The thought of her not being here makes me sad but also a little relieved and I really want for her to be happy, not just lay around the house looking bored. So I find myself considering letting this family keep her. With the condition that if they ever were unable to keep her she would come back to me, never ever to go to a shelter.

All this of course makes me question myself and of course I do the whole "does it mean I would be a bad mother if I'm willing to give my dog away because it's easier" thing. Stupid but yes, I still find myself questioning myself and my capability to parent at every turn. But it's not really about that. Right now it's just about what's best for my dog.

Pics

So here are a few pics from my weekend trip. Funny thing is that I took a lot of pictures (many were multiple pics of one thing to see which was the best and then the rest were deleted which is the fantastic thing about digital cameras) but none of Monterey. I didn't take my camera to the Aquarium because those usually don't turn out very well and the rest of it was mostly just shopping. Oh well.

This one is the inside of the church at the San Juan Bautista Mission

More close up picture of the front of the church

The outside of the Mission. I think this was the main church entrance.

The lone Cyprus on 17 mile drive pebble beach.

Seals at one of the stops on 17 mile drive.

Fantastic Day

I've had such a great day today. I decided earlier this week that since I had the weekend off it was time to head to the coast for some cooler weather. Yesterday I stayed up until about 2 in the afternoon and then crashed, sleeping until 3am when I was suddenly wide awake. So I ate and dinked around the house a bit and finally took off for Monterey about 6:30 this morning. It was sunny most of the drive but as I got close to Monterey it clouded/fogged up a bit. I stopped in San Juan Bautista because I saw the Mission from the highway and it looked cool. I wandered around town a bit until the Mission opened and then went in to look around. This building was amazing. I'm not religious at all but even with that you can sense a spirituality of the place knowing how many people do believe and that it was their faith and belief that lead them to build such a beautiful building and then keep it up and open for others to see. There was a museum to walk though and then the actual church which was truly gorgeous. I also wandered the grounds for a while. Then went across the street and took a tour through some other old buildings that are part of a state park. Then I left and headed on to Monterey. Once I got there I drove around a while trying to figure out where to go and where to park. I ended up on Cannery Row and parked at the first open spot I found which cost an arm and a leg and I didn't care at all since I'd been driving around forever. I walked up and down the street checking out the shops and such and then went and did a trip through the aquarium. This is by far the best aquarium I've ever been to. Such a great time. Then I walked around some more and went to dinner. I've walked more today than I have in a very long time and my feet and knees are telling me they aren't very impressed with me. I also got some pictures but I'm too tired to get off the bed and go get my camera so I will have to post those later. Not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow but right now I think it's my bedtime. Yikes I'm tired.

The Ups And Downs Of Facebook

Ok so I'm slow. I logged on to faceb00k a while back and set up a profile and did nothing with it. I had a couple friends at home that I checked in on now and again but didn't do much. The last few days though I've been playing with it more. I tried looking up some of my friends from nursing school and also found a few friends from work when I worked NICU. It's been fun catching up with a couple of people. It's great to hear how people are doing that I haven't heard from in a couple of years or more. However it's also served a purpose to me feeling a bit left behind. Several of the really young girls in my nursing class are all married now. Even my cousin (3rd or 4th?) who was very sweet and very naive and immature is married. Several of them also have babies. And here I am at 39 just me and my cats. And I know this is ok. I know that things could happen even though I've sort of stopped believing they might. I know that I could meet someone. The new traveler I mentioned a couple days ago is a couple of years older than me and she just got married a year ago. But it just feels a bit again like there is all this stuff happening around me and yet my life doesn't change at all. Oh well. I know that this feeling will pass and it will be all better again. Or mostly so. I'm off work now for 3 nights and I really need to go get an oil change because I think I'm taking a road trip tomorrow. Sadie is off to spend the weekend with my work friend who just fell in love with her when I was at home a couple weeks ago and I'm off to the beach!

Not Much New

Well the review went fine. My review was good or average anyways. I talked to the manager a bit about current issues. About how nobody is speaking to me much etc. and that while I can't afford to take the pay cut I can't stay put here. They said they were fine with me transferring although they hated to lose me. I'm not sure though when the transfer will occur yet. It could be a couple more weeks. So I guess I'll see what happens in the meantime. Still it's good knowing there is an end in sight.

Interesting

Last night at work I had some time to sit and chat with one of the new travel nurses working there. She seems really nice and seems to stay out of the drama in our unit, at least so far. Tends to do her job and mostly keep to herself although she does visit some with others. At any rate it was nice to feel like there was someone there who didn't dislike me.

In talking some how the mention of infertility came up like it often does. I think she asked me how I ended up in Fresno and I mentioned that I had been in the middle of an IVF cycle that I was very hopeful would work when I accepted the job. Anyways, I told her a bit of my story of the 2+ years I've spent trying to get pregnant and the things about adoption that scare me. She mentioned that at one time she had worked for a day surgery center where they did the ER procedures. After talking to some of the patients about the whole trying process etc she made a decision to donate eggs. This was about 13 years ago but I was so impressed by it. She talked about having felt honored to be chosen to donate. Also how she didn't mind being sought out for health info reasons but not as someone looking for their "mom". She felt that whatever happened was up to the parents, she simply provided the early genetic material. Some how this made me feel a bit better about the whole donor egg process. Granted I've never felt really bad about it but there is a bit of nervousness involved. Talking to her was great though. It's interesting how many people's lives are touched in one way or another by infertility.

Oh and I spoke with one of my old recruiters on Friday from when I was a travel nurse. Him and his wife had some difficulties getting pregnant too. Turns out she is due next month and they are having a baby girl. I'm so happy for them. It's so nice to hear the happy endings.

I'm still waiting to hear more about when the new job starts etc. I did receive an e-mail that my 6 month review is on Wednesday. So I guess we'll see how that goes.

Decisions

I've decided to take the lower paid position. I e-mailed the supervisor to let her know and turned in my application. I hate to lose the pay but I need to do this for myself. It's funny, I went to work on Friday afternoon and someone asked how I was doing and I realized my decision was made. I had an instant feeling of peace. This is the right choice for me and somehow it will all work out. I know that taking care of myself and working with the tools I have is the most important thing for me. The last couple of nights have been easier to deal with. I find I don't care much what she does. I will admit that I still sit here thinking how disgusting she is. She's one of those who sucks up to everyone and is everyone's friend but yet when you're gone she doesn't have a nice thing to say about anyone. She's a bully. And soon I won't have to deal with her anymore. Such a relief that there is an end in sight.

Two Down

Yes I know. The whining about work is probably old. So sorry. But you dear internets are likely going to be the lucky ones to hear more (if I actually publish this) as I feel a need to "talk" this out and I don't have much of anywhere to do so other than here!

Last night was a bit better. At least she spoke to me to ask simple work sort of questions which she wouldn't do the night before. It wasn't horribly stressful all night. I am still trying to figure this out. The whole what am I supposed to do part. I will say I know what I don't want to do. I don't want to continue working this position. It is stressing me out (to the point that I'm getting stress headaches again) and it's depressing me. Neither is a great thing. Looking at this I can say that it's not just the one coworker and the harassment issue. That is a big part of it but not the entire issue. Another part of the issue is that when I work with the other charge nurse on nights I end up feeling like she's upset with me because I'm not doing enough work. I've discussed with my manager and the short stay manager what my understanding is of my job responsibilities and they have both stated that yes that was correct. Part of it is that my job is somewhat undefined. As in the surgery charge nurse, the recovery room charge nurse, the short stay manager, the house supervisor and the surgery services manager all seem to have somewhat different ideas of what my job really is. I also have nothing concrete in writing and for certain questions (such as am I the ED's dumping ground for patients that might go to surgery sometime in the next week) I have never been able to get a straight answer from anyone who counts. I think to some extent this is being done on purpose so that they can use (and abuse) me as they need or want to. For instance usually I take patients that are going to surgery soon, like sometime in the next hour or so but for sure during my shift. However they want to have the ability to give me patients who won't likely go to surgery for 24 hours or so (or more) if they're in a bind. The problem with this is that who decides. I guess what the result has been is a lot of frustration for me when I get caught in the middle of what various people in charge want me to be doing. Yes I am aware that I am often very lucky in that I often get one patient at a time and I even have nights with a lot of down time. This can also be somewhat boring at times and even though I'm happy to get paid to read on ocassion it would be easier to simply have a job that kept me busier. However I also have a lot of different people who have a say or think they should have a say in what I should be doing which usually equals someone not being happy with me. I also know myself well enough to know that I have a very hard time working closely with people who dislike me and or are unhappy with me. Yes I am a people pleaser, I suffer from the please disease, I'm an approval whore. And yes I am also aware that this is not the healthiest way to live my life. However I've spent much time trying to overcome this and my almost complete inability to deal with confrontation and while I believe I have improved some, the problem still exists. In this moment in time overcoming this completely isn't happening so I feel like I need to work within the tools I have for coping. In other words, even though it shouldn't matter what they think of me, it does and since it does and it affects me and my moods etc very much I think that changing the situation if at all possible would be a good thing. So, I really want to change jobs. Badly. Again, maybe not the best or most professional response but for me, right now probably the best choice. I can not go to work every day hating my job. I just can't. I know others do but when I try it depresses me and affects my entire life, not just work. So the hospitals policy is that you have to be in your position for a year before you can change positions. My anniversary date there isn't until the end of November. I'm guessing that if I apply for a position outside of surgical services I won't even be considered because my year isn't up. Right now because of the harassment and because of the frustrations about what my job is and is not that feels completely overwhelming. However I did speak to the short stay manager and she thought that her manager could possibly be convinced to allow me to move to Short stay since it's still in surgical services. But she doesn't have a full time position in short stay. She does have a full time position in preop education and has stated that she would love to have me come work for her. The problem is that because the job is 8 hour shifts instead of 12 it's a big pay cut. Right now for my 12 hour shift the last 4 hours is paid at time and a half. If I went to 8 hour shifts, I would lose that time and a half. There are however advantages too. It's working with a group of people that I really like working with. I would get holidays off, and evenings and weekends. I might still be able to pick up some additional over time. The position is one that I've wanted to try in various forms for quite a while even before I started traveling. Especially after I figured out that even though I used to picture myself as hero nurse in the thick of all the really crazy stuff, the reality is that I really didn't care for all the trauma drama and really don't have much desire to work in critical care. Just looking at things as they are right now without looking at the money issue, I would jump at this job change. The money issue though is slowing me down. That and trying not to figure out how this affects the baby vs. no baby plan since I'm trying really hard to live in the here and now and not on what might be someday. In the here and now I am unhappy with my current job to point of crying daily which I hate. I'm going to work with tension headaches. Which then comes back to the money. I could still survive but wouldn't have as much extra and it would take longer to pay things off. So that's my version of a rock and a hard place.

One Down, Four To Go

Ok so my first night of work is finished. I lived through it. I'd love to say that it went fine and was no problem. Of course if I said that I'd be full of shit. It sucked. Basically I am now persona non grata and the harasser will not speak to me at all, not even for work related stuff, neither will her friends. If I were out working on the floor where I was busier and everyone around me was busier this would be less of an issue. However since I'm stuck in a room with her and a few others it's a pretty big uncomfortable thing. I want a new position so bad. Technically I'm not supposed to be able to change jobs for 12 months from date of hire. I was told that possibly there is a way around that. I applied for one position last night but it's totally out of surgical services so I'm not sure I will be even considered since I haven't been there 12 months. The other possible choice that is still in surgical services is a job I think I would like but it's a big pay cut because it's different shifts. I still may end up going that route since I don't know if I can survive another 5 months of this.

Back To Work

So I'm just about ready to leave for work and I'm trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach. I can't say that I'm exactly successful at it but I'm trying. I have no idea what I'm walking into and it makes me angry. I think that the least the manager could have done was responded that she got my message or something.

Sadie came home yesterday. While I was gone she went to stay at a friend from works house and then the same friend stopped by every day to check on the cats and medicate them too. There were a couple of little kids in the house and I guess Sadie had a ball. She got to go for a walk twice a day with people and had kids to play with etc. They apparently all loved her too since they told my friend that they would trade her for the dog. Also Sadie looks a bit like she lost some weight. This is good. Now if I can just keep it up with her. Problem is that it's unlikely she's going to get two walks a day especially with the current 100+ weather we have. Poor dog.

Home

Well I made it back to Fresno late last night. I finally got home around midnight. The flight wasn't too bad. The guy that I sat next to from Seattle to Fresno was very nice and didn't do that thing that most men seem to do when they see me and "claim their space" by taking up as much of the seat space as they can. Lest they lose some to the chubby girl I guess. He didn't talk much but he was nice. I found myself wishing I could take pictures out the window of the plane. I could see Mt. Ranier up through the top of the clouds with as it was getting sort of dark and it was so beautiful. My camera however wasn't really accessible and I doubt the picture would have turned out. Everything here seems to be in order although my flowers out in the yard look dead. I don't know if I will be able to bring them back or not.

Today I've got to go grocery shopping and do a ton of laundry. Oh and balance my check book and pay bills. Fun stuff. I'm trying to get caught up on my reader which was really full. I'm nervous about going back to work tomorrow. I had finally said something about the fat comments to the department manager. I had sent her an e-mail and I've never heard anything back from her. Now I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow and I don't know if anything has been said to anyone or what. I don't know what I'm going to be walking into and it makes me really nervous.

Successful Trip

Well I've accomplished most of what I set out to do this week. Old tenants are moved out of my house finally after me showing up here and threatening some. This is a huge plus. Of course they didn't get out until the 7th and of course I didn't get rent for those first 7 days. Also the keys were not returned but I had already decided to have all the locks re-keyed so life goes on. They also didn't clean at all but I had already discussed with new tenant that I would give him a reduced deposit if he would clean. I had the carpets cleaned which were partially dirty from them and partially from me and my animals when I lived there. I had to pay to ship my one picture that got left here when my stuff was moved last December. Overall as much as I am annoyed by the situation and the fact that the last tenants thought nothing of taking advantage of me when I had made it so easy for them I'm simply glad they're gone. No more dealing with them. The new tenant is moved in. He's excited to have a house for him and his son. He already went and got a lawn mower and mowed the lawn which looked like it hadn't been done in at least a month. He liked my colors of paint and is leaving them. He seems like a good guy and is employed and nice and steady. I have high hopes for this to work out much better. I'm also starting off on the right foot of standing up for myself from the beginning so that I don't have to start later. i've gotten time to stop and visit a few friends whom I miss a lot. I've got the weekend to just relax and not do much, except maybe read the new N0ra R0berts book I bought. I head back to Fresno on Monday afternoon. The weather here has been fantastic. Beautiful but not too hot. It's been so nice to be here and while it will be nice to be home again and see my critters I'll miss my chosen family here. It's funny how both places can feel so much like home.

Bastards

They were back this morning. Damn ants. Back in the food dishes that I had put out. So I sprayed them down with 409 and moved the food dishes to the table. Oh and I woke up an hour late. I'm one of those perpetually early people and hate to be late. I had set my alarm for 3am so that I could be up and ready to go and make sure I had done everything. I must have been so tired I set my alarm wrong because I woke up having to go to the bathroom and it was 4am. I managed to take a 7 minute shower and still skate out the door by 4:30 but I spent the whole drive to the airport wondering if I had done everything. I hate that. Made it to Sp0kane by noon and have been enjoying my day mostly. The old tenants room mate has most of his stuff out although there are a few things. I spoke to old tenant and basically said that my rental agreement was between me and you, not him, I have gotten no rent for the days he's been there for the month of July and as far as I'm concerned he's trespassing. If his stuff is not out by 5pm tomorrow and my keys aren't returned I will change the locks. We'll see. The new tenant seems fantastic. I'm really impressed with him and it will be nice to have more of my mortgage payment covered. Otherwise I'm just hoping for some relaxing time this week. It's nice to be here with people I love.

All Gone

The ants are gone. Thanks for all the recommendations of 409. I remembered that there was a household cleaner that would get rid of them but couldn't remember which one. So I went to Target this evening after a much needed nap and got some 409, came home all ready to kill some ants. They were gone. I'm guessing it was a combination of removing the cat food and the outside spray job and they were gone. I still have the 409 for later use if needed though.

This morning as I was leaving work I saw someone that I used to work with when I was here as a traveler. She asked where I was working etc and we chatted a while. I noticed a pic of a child on the back of her name badge but wasn't thinking anything about it until she made it a point to show me the pic. Then I remembered. She wasn't pregnant when I left. She had been trying for a little while but nothing much had happened. I remember right before I left she was asking various things about infertility, cycles etc. She now has an 8 month old daughter. The baby is beautiful and I sincerely said while looking at the photos. I'm happy for her. I really am. I can't say though that I didn't have a bit of pain in thinking about what could have been for me. It's not that I'm not happy for her. I'm just sad for me. It's funny because in some ways it feels like not that much time has passed and then to see she has a daughter that is 8 months seemed odd.

This of course came after some time spent imagining my possible alternative path. Did you know that you can go to the Mi*ni C00per web site and "build" your own Mini? Like color and accessories etc. And it shows you a picture of exactly what it would look like? And that its surprisingly not as expensive as you would think it would be?

My tooth is all fixed better now. And it is fantastic. It doesn't hurt at all. I went to the dentist this morning (and not a moment to soon as the temp crown fell off last night) and they put the permanent crown on. I'm pretty sure this has wiped out my dental insurance for the year. Ugg. But I love the fact that my tooth doesn't hurt at all.

I'm off tomorrow for Washington. Time to try to facilitate the whole move out/move in process for my house. As much as I feel overwhelmed by my finances right now I have to admit that I am feeling hopeful. The house will be renting for more money and while it still isn't as much as the house payment it's closer. Hopefully I'll get to have a bit of fun too.

Murphy Sucks

Yes, Murphy sucks. You know, Murphy. Of Murphy's law. Yeah, that one. So today was my bimonthly bug spray thing to get rid of the creepy crawly critters. The bug guy showed up just in time. Not too early so I missed him when I was at the dentist. He sprayed the garage, outside etc. Asked if I needed the inside sprayed to which I responded no, I hadn't seen anything inside. Within minutes after he left I noticed a whole bunch of piss ants on the kitchen counter under and around the cat food dish having a good ol time. Yes, he was gone already. Now I need to go buy bug spray.

What Not To Say To An Infertile Take 999

So as promised last night via twitter I had a seriously strange conversation at work last night with a newer co-worker where she thought that she should offer up assvice on how to deal with infertility. I have to say this was a totally new one.

I am not bothered by talking about infertility at all. It is, it's happened to me and I'll talk about it openly most of the time. So at work me and a couple other nurses we were talking about bills and stuff such as that and I mentioned having some larger bills that needed to be paid off. She remembered me mentioning last week that I had done some infertility treatments and brought that up. I talked a bit about it and that I'd done IVF twice. So she then proceeds to tell me that her sister had a horse whose eggs she had frozen for later and maybe I should try that. ??? Then going on to point out that maybe that doctor would be better able to help me than a human doctor. Excuse me? Did you really just fucking say that? For real. Are you recommending I go to a Veterinarian to have my eggs frozen or are you recommending that I use horses eggs. I just stared at her, I was totally at a loss for words. Then she says, you know you should just adopt... one of Michael Vic's pit bulls. Seriously. Even the other nurse that was sitting there half participating in the conversation and partially reading a book looked at her like she was crazy. This woman should win the Darwin award for what not to say. I'm still just shaking my head.

Perfectionist

So I am a bit of a perfectionist. I like things done right. I have a hard time with some craft things because of the whole it has to look fantastic. This could be good for some of you reading folks as I have 2 projects that have turned out less than perfect that I think I'm going to give away next week.

A lot of what this means though is that I tend to have very high standards for myself and tend to be very hard on myself when I don't live up to those standards. I was reading an article lately in a nursing journal about burnout and depression in nursing and one of the points it made was that nurses as a group tend to have high personal standards etc. Funny I did it before I was a nurse too. It tends to make life difficult though. For instance I have a couple of coworkers whom I don't like. I work with at least one of them every time I work. I don't like them, don't trust them etc. Yet it bugs the shit out of me that they seem to don't like me. Truly it often bugs the shit out of me if much of anyone dislikes me, especially though when I don't feel like I've done anything to earn it. I've also spent a lot of my time feeling like I'm not good enough. Not thin enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough etc. I think part of this is related to the whole religion thing from when I was a kid but maybe that's me trying to rationalize it. I was taught that good JW's don't do (take your pick of various things I wasn't supposed to do, date, like boys too much or want their attention, want to see movies that were deemed as bad etc). Being a typical teenager I spent a lot of time feeling like I was a bad person for liking or wanting to take part in things that were "bad". Liking a boy who wasn't the right religion, wanting to see an R rated movie, wanting to go to a holiday party. I think this is a big reason why I have such self esteem issues. It drives me nuts too. But I can't seem to figure out how to turn it off. I've tried therapists on a few different occasions and it just doesn't feel like it helps or even ends up feeling like it makes it worse. Then when little things like my animals bug me I end up thinking how can I think I can be a mom when my pet drives me nuts. I also don't trust myself with big decisions. I finally manage to make a decision and then I spend days on end anxious about whether it's the right decision. I hate this part. I just want to feel confident in myself. And I can't figure out how to manage that.