Leaving, On A Jet Plane!!

So I'm off to Las Vegas!!!! I'm so excited. I have plans for several things to do there and I'm even taking my bathing suit with me. And total gasp. I'm not taking my computer. I figure I can live without it for a couple of days right? Right? I think. I have lots I want to do while I'm there and if I had my computer I'd be spending time in my room and not out doing stuff. I am taking my camera and hope I can get some fabulous shots of something. Hope everyone has a good couple of days and I'll be back Wednesday!!

Thoughts

So the other day as I was going through my reader and all the posts there I came across a post from Calliope that really struck me. She was talking about food and how for years food was never just food or nutrition but was instead a drug. This rang so incredibly true for me. It still is very much a drug. I often find myself planning out what I'm going to eat for days in advance and not in a good way. More in a way of knowing what things I have in my fridge and what I can make with those things and how I can't wait to eat whatever it is I'm planning. I also can get to thinking of something I really like (cupcakes from the shop in the bay area that I love SOOOOO MUCH) and spend months thinking about and wishing for them. I obsess over food. When I think of trips to take or places to go, one of the things I anticipate is where and what I'm going to eat while I'm there. So yes, food is my drug.

I've always been over weight. I was chubby as a child with what my mom frequently described as baby fat even though it forgot to leave when I was no longer a baby. Several years ago I remember meeting a friend of my moms from when I was a very small child and she talked about how much of a sweet tooth I had as a little child and how she had told my mom not to let me have so many sweets. Yes, I still have that sweet tooth. I remember being frequently teased in school for being chubby or over weight. I remember boys I liked being horrified that I liked them. As a sophmore in highschool I joined weight watchers and managed to lose around 20 pounds but I gained most of it back fairly quickly. I had managed to maintain a weight through school that while still over weight wasn't horribly overweight as I got a lot of exercise as a kid. I rode bike and walked a lot. When I graduated and moved out on my own and had a car my weight went up quite a bit in a fairly short amount of time. I think it was the lack of exercise and the being out on my own and poor eating habits. When I first hit 200 pounds I was horrified. I didn't quit eating but I was horrified. I remember doing the slim fast diet and losing 40 pounds on it. I felt great for a while and went back to being very active. I kept the weight off while I was active but as soon as I slowed down the activity I gained all the weight back and added another 40 just for shits and giggles. I fluctuated back and forth around a certain range for quite a few years. When I first met my ex I lost about 40 or so pounds. Partially because I didn't have a car and I was walking a lot at the time but also because when he was in a mood he knew that ridiculing my weight or what I was eating was a sure way to make me feel bad so I didn't eat often in his presence for the first year. However once I started college and got a car again the exercise tapered off and the eating increased again and I gained a lot back again. When I graduated from nursing school I was heavier than I'd ever been and was worried I might have a difficult time getting a job because of my weight. I did lose some when I started working as I spent 12 hours a night running my ass off. Off and on since then if I have a job that doesn't require much walking around I gain that weight back or lose it again. I've spent years of my life feeling like men would never love or want me because of my weight. I finally reached a point where emotionally it was easier to not want marriage and to share my life with someone else since it didn't look like it would ever happen. I also sort of made peace with my body. I tried to accept myself for what I was, a big girl. To a point I did succeed with that. I didn't necessarily quit caring what others thought of me and my weight but I tried to and I gave myself permission to quit dieting or feeling guilt over every piece of food that I put in my mouth. Strangely for the most part this in itself didn't have much effect on my weight loss or gain. I sort of just stayed the same. I've had other emotional things that have brought on some binge eating and weight gain but I usually manage to correct back to a certain level. For years even with my weight I didn't have health problems so I told myself it was ok that I was big. Now though as 40 creeps ever closer I am having the health problems that tell me I need to do something. Problem is that I don't know what. While I know that any weight loss would be helpful I also know that I truly need to lose at least a hundred pounds. I don't want to be diabetic. I don't want to have heart problems. I hate having to take blood pressure medication. There will always be a part of me that will wonder if the pregnancies I've had would have lasted if I had been thinner. Yes I know that there are many women who are large and have healthy pregnancies. I know that maybe the weight wouldn't have made much of a difference. However I also know that if I continue the way I am that I will have a hard time getting down and playing with my kids should I ever have any. It will be difficult to chase them around or keep up with them. I know that I have many chronic pain issues that are intensified by my weight.

5-6 years ago I had decided that I wanted gastric bypass surgery but at the time there was no way my insurance would cover this. I wanted to lose the weight to be pretty. To find a guy who would love me. Later the idea started to scare me and didn't appeal to me as much. It still scares me. It scares me because I've seen some of the worst case scenarios of problems after surgery even though those problems are incredibly rare. It scares me that there may be certain foods I won't be able to eat any more or foods that I shouldn't eat such as sweets. The idea of losing one of the only coping mechanisms that I seem to be able to utilize scares me. Yet so does the alternatives. I don't care as much about the being pretty although I'd be lying if I said that the hope wasn't still there in some small form in the back of my mind. More than looks though I don't want to be sick or die a really unpleasant death because of morbid obesity. I want to have a baby and be able to hopefully carry that child with less chance of serious complications because of my weight. I want to feel good physically. If I do have children I don't want them to be heavy like me with all my food issues. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and be healthy but obviously I can't. I find myself back to thinking about the whole gastric bypass thing again. This time though my insurance will cover it. Anywhere from 90-95% of it. And while my head is still going back and forth a lot on which procedure to pursue I am leaning very much toward this option. Not that I believe it's an easy fix but right now I feel like it's my best choice. I don't feel like I could possibly manage to lose 100+ pounds on my own. I've tried virtually every diet ever thought up. I've tried making my portions smaller and eating more vegetables. I've tried exercising more. I do ok for a few days or a week or so but then I revert back to my previous eating habits. It still feels very much like a great big scary step that I wish I could avoid but I still don't know another way.

At this point I'm not sure what I'm going to do although I know which way I'm leaning. I don't need to hear to keep trying or to try x diet or eating plan or how to go about working out more. I know that the decision is ultimately mine and I have to decide based on my life and what I have to work with.

I'm A Rocket Scientist

Not. Sometimes my brains workings baffle me. My refrigerator in the house I'm living in has an ice maker and water dispenser but they aren't hooked up to a water source which sort of bummed me out when I moved in. So I have mostly went without ice since I moved in here last December. I don't have room in my freezer for ice trays (especially with the big old stupid ice bin in there). So earlier this week a coworker said something about getting bags of ice and I was a bit surprised that I hadn't thought of this before but really I don't have room for the bags of ice either. However I've been missing ice a bit and decided to get a bag today. Then I had a light bulb moment. I could take the bag of ice and dump it into the ice tray to be dispensed out the door of the freezer!! And it only took me nine months to figure that out. Yeah yeah, a little slow some days.

Yesterday I joined a gym. I had drove by this one place many times and finally decided to go in and check them out. Turns out they are a women's only gym and they have a small pool with water aerobics classes. That really interests me a lot as I like water aerobics. They had a special till the end of August for 3 months for $99 and I did that. My reasoning is that I'm giving myself 3 months to figure out if I actually use the membership. If I don't then I can quit and go back to my sluggish ways without paying for it. If I do use it than I will continue to have a membership there. So we'll see. I know though that when I'm not moving around much I tend to start gaining weight fairly rapidly and I've gained about 10 pounds in the last month or so. Now with my new job being mostly a desk sort of job I know that if I'm not careful I'll really gain a lot so I want to exercise more. And so far my use of the elliptical I purchased has been less than stellar. I just need my weight going in the opposite direction, down not up.

Work is still going great. I enjoy the job and the people I work with are pretty decent too. There are a couple who are pretty religious and one of those belongs to the church I was raised in but no longer belong to. I knew this before hand and have decided that religion is just one of those things that I won't discuss at work. It will make life easier that way. As far as personalities go though I really like my coworkers and my manager. It's also seriously nice knowing that they are all so glad I'm there.

Ink Me Tour

So Kristen got this wonderful idea to do an Ink Tour of peoples tattoos and I couldn't resist joining in since I love my tattoos and love showing them off. Granted I didn't quite take into consideration how difficult it would be to take pictures of them myself since they are on my body and require all sorts of contortions with the camera.

This one is my first tattoo and I got it about 10 years ago. It literally took me years to decide what I wanted for my first tattoo. It's a half moon with a cat sitting on it. It has some clouds and stars behind it and it's fabulous. The guy that did it drew the pic for it and I loved it and went back to him for my second tattoo. This was sort of part of my liberation from my mom too. She was dead set against tattoos and hated the fact that I got one. It's still my favorite.

This is my second and third tattoo. I wanted a band around my ankle but tend to stay away from some of the more traditional things people pick and so I decided on pansies. I took a greeting card that had some pansies on it to the guy who did the 1st tattoo to show him what I wanted. He drew this one too and while I do like it it wasn't what I had thought it would be. For one thing I was thinking I would have more yellow in them like the little violas. Also when he got done with it there was a large space on the back outside of my ankle. The space drove me nuts so a few weeks later I ended up going back and having the dragon fly put in the space so it didn't look so strange.

This is my 4th tattoo I got and by far the one that hurt the most. I got this one about 5 years ago when my grandma passed away. She died of breast cancer and I wanted to get something to memorialize her and her battle with breast cancer. I had originally planned on something much smaller but the guy who drew it out came up with this and I really liked it so I went with it. The only thing is that I was told he went really deep with the needle and I had a harder time with this one healing because of my bra strap and not wanting to get A&D ointment all over my clothes and I had some scabbing with it. It lost a little color with the scabbing and even though I would love for it to be a bit more vibrant I'm too scared to go get the color touched up. This one was done by someone different than the guy that did the 1st 3.

This one is my most recent and I talked about the why's of it here and I still love it. I have to tell myself sometimes still to look at it and remember how strong I am and even then I still don't always get it but I figure someday I will.

Of course since tattoos are addicting (honest I love my tattoos and I'm really not getting more just to piss my mom off, that's just an added benefit) I'm planning my next one. I keep sort of going back and forth about what I want. I want something to signify the whole infertility journey and to honor the 3 sort of pregnancies or very early miscarriages. I haven't totally decided what though. I had thought about 3 butterflies and some flowers added to my ankle pansies going up the back of my leg but I'm not really a butterfly kind of girl. Nothing against butterflies it's just that thing of liking the unique. Then I got sort of on to the idea of bats. Like I've said before I love bats. I think they are seriously cute and they remind me of my cat I used to have (and even a bit of the current 2 with their ears) that looked like a cross between a bat, a cat and a rat. Plus the whole batty thing that has been sort of thing for quite a few years since I was a phlebotomist. But when I try to pull up pics of bat tattoos most of what I get aren't that attractive and they look mean. I want cute bats not mean bats. Also not very big and I'd probably place them somewhat close to my moon/cat tattoo. Another thought is instead of doing butterflies to do more dragon flies instead and some more flowers again adding to the pansies. Like I said it's still in the planning stage. Eventually I'll figure it out.

So Far So Good

So the new job seems to be working wonderfully. Everyone I've met so far seems very nice and welcoming. They also seem like they work together really well which is nice. They are pretty particular how things are done but I'm ok with that. I like having a routine for doing things, it makes it easier for me to remember all the things I need to do. I have my own office (which I can decorate how I want!) and it's a really nice department. The funny thing is that when I stopped to think about it and think past the change in pay this is the type of job I've been looking for for a long time. It's different than your typical RN position but in a good way. I've actually even applied for very similar positions in other hospitals in Spokane but they were always part time to start. It's the type of position that is very rarely found as a full time job in hospitals as there are so many that want the job. So I think it's going to be fantastic. I'm still sort of adjusting to the day shift thing. Yesterday I was pretty wide awake all day, today I was a bit more tired but still ok. I'm also working a lot earlier while I'm on orientation that I will be once I'm on my own. Right now I'm going in at 7am and later it will be 10am. Loving that! It's so nice too being out of the previous job. I don't feel that constant sense of unease. Another part is I'm busier. The previous position I had a lot of down time. It was nice to have time to read but it also sucked because everyone had ideas of what I should be doing with my down time. Now it looks like I'm going to be mostly steady busy and the down time won't be an issue and I'll stay out of trouble. It's also very nice to feel wanted. They're glad I'm there. Otherwise not much happening. I'm off tomorrow as I have some appointments to do (one of which is to get rid of the damn ants again which are hanging out in my dishwasher). Then on Monday I'm off to Vegas!! So excited. I've got a list of other things I want to do while I'm there too other than The Lion King. I'm so excited!

Note To Self

Sitting at the sewing machine for 8 hours plus in one day while fun and productive will irritate the hell out of ones fibromyalgia and you will PAY for it for at least a week. Remember this! Ok, now that I put that in writing maybe I will remember it next time. I keep catching myself thinking "why does my neck, back, shoulders, arms etc hurt so much?" Oh yeah, the marathon sewing session. Hopefully it will let up in the next couple of days. Please.

At any rate the 6 blankets I started the other day are now finished. I think they turned out pretty good. Here are pics of each of them.

The baby bird from yesterday was gone by the time I got up in the afternoon. I suppose it could have possibly got away somewhere but I'm guessing it's much more likely that some neighborhood cat was wandering through and found himself a tasty snack. I felt really bad about it but kept telling myself that it was already unwell when I saw it and if Sadie had still been here it would have already been dead as she would have killed it.

Not much else happening. I work Saturday night and then I'm done. I'm done with all the drama and crap that's happened with this job and I'm so looking forward to my new position and my new hours. (oh hell, I just did something that shrunk my screen down so small I can't even hardly read this). It doesn't look like my days I need off will be a problem at all which is good. I'm getting excited about going to Vegas. And seeing the Lion King.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

So Happy

To be leaving this hellish job. Looks like I will have 2 more nights and will be going to short stay on Monday. I was informed last night by one of the charge nurses (really not her decision) that I would no longer be needed after Saturday. Ok then. Of course she told new trainie (who has worked recovery for the last 3 months) that his job would be different than mine since he had critical care experience and that he'd be expected to be helping them out in PACU also. Then there was the surgery charge nurse telling him something different. I'm sure the house supervisor has an idea too. Sooooooo freaking glad to be leaving!!

I'm feeling really bad about something too. I came home this morning and cats are sitting by the back door howling because they wanted to go outside so I let them. It's cool out I figured I'd sit out there and eat and let the cats wander around and eat grass and puke. We had been out there for about 5 minutes when they noticed a baby bird sitting in the grass. There wasn't even a second of "hmm, what's this?" No, it was an instant pounce, must catch it and immobilize it. Oops. Of course I ended up touching it getting it away from Luna and it has a broken wing. I think it may have broke it's wing in the fall from the nest which is quite high up the palm tree I think and Luna didn't have it that long. But I'm pretty sure that bird isn't going to make it. And it's just one of hundreds of thousands of birds but I still feel bad for it. I still feel that need to put it in a box and try to save it like I've done many times before. I left it out there but I feel so bad for it.

Show And Tell

I've got a couple of things to show today for show and tell. First off the other day when I was out trying to take pictures of my little friend the hummingbird while it drank water off the leaves of one of the plants in the back yard. I got a couple of good pics of this.

Then An Offering Of Love asked to see pics of the baby blankets I've been making. So I've got some pics of the 3 I completed yesterday. These are light weight sort of receiving blankets. I pick a print fabric and a flannel that I think go together and then sew the blanket. Like I said the Pink skull and crossbones one had some pretty big mistakes on it (in the corners). The other two are the green lady bugs and the white with Dalmatians and cats.

Updates

So I just checked my work email and there was a message from my supervisor. Apparently they got one of the recovery room travelers who's contract was up to sign on for a contract to do preop. Me and the other person that do preop are supposed to train him this week and then I'm free to go to the new job as soon as they want me. Yay!!!!! Yippee!!!! Oops. Except yesterday I bought plane tickets and hotel rooms that are non refundable since I had been told (after specifically asking) that the move didn't look like it would occur before the 1st of September and so if the days I was going were going to happen on scheduled days off than to go ahead. Not sure how well it's going to go over but I'm still going. I made it a point to ask ahead if I would be safe to make the reservations and was told that yes, I would.

I spent all day today being wildly productive!! For me anyways. Not that I did anything like housework or anything (does cleaning out the cat box count as housework?). No I spent the day with the 1st and 2nd season of Burn Notice on the DVD player while I sewed. I'm making baby blankets. I've made a few for people as gifts although for the first ones I didn't have a pattern or anything, I was just putting 2 pieces of fabric together and hemming them. Then I found a super cute pattern that has turned out to be pretty easy once I figured out how to do it. I had 2 that were all cut and ready to be sewn together this morning so I did those and then also finished up one I had that was mostly done(although as one of my first attempts with this pattern is less than perfect and has some goofs on it, that and it's pink skulls and crossbones). Plus lately I've bought a bunch of new fabrics. So I washed those fabrics, got everything pressed and then cut and then spent some more time sewing those all together. I have 6 more that are about half done. It's been a lot of fun getting these done and there's nothing much like watching Burn Notice for hours on end.

Then this evening I went to a seminar on gastric bypass and gastric banding. It was put on by the hospital here that does the procedures and is done by one of the docs and some of the other staff. I have a lot of things bouncing around my head after this but I need some more time before I put them all down on paper. Or screen I guess I should say.

Now I really should probably head off to bed. And think, by next week I could be sleeping at night like a normal human being!!!!!!

Yes Vacation!

So I decided to go ahead and go at the end of August. I just purchased my airfare which was cheap and my hotel. Thanks everyone for the advice of not staying near Freemont street. I'll be in one of the older hotels on the strip and it's still cheap. I still need to get my ticket for the Lion King but I'm so excited about going. I can't wait. Other than all this not much is going on. I worked all weekend. Friday and Saturday were fairly steady busy and then last night was dead. By 2:30 in the morning I still hadn't had any patients and I finally asked if I could just go home. I was able to and I went home and went to bed. Kind of nice to get off early once in a while. My goal for my days off this week is to get some more housework done and maybe some sewing. I also need to find some books to read because none of the ones I have seem interesting to me.

Oh and I almost forgot. The giveaway last week for the socks. I used the random picker online and it picked Kristin so I just need an adress to send you your socks!!

Vacation?

So I talked to my manager and was told that her boss said I could leave this position when she filled the shifts. First thought was oh shit, I'll be here till the new year. Hopefully though around the first part of September it will all be a done deal. This makes me feel better to have an end in sight.
I've also been considering going on a little trip. I had been planning/hoping to go to New York this fall with BFF when she has to go for work but realistically that isn't an option financially. Especially not with the upcoming pay cut. Back in June I had hoped to go up to Sacramento to see The Lion King musical since it was playing there but got wrapped up in all the things going on then and never made it up there. However I was looking on line and saw that it's also playing in Las Vegas(the freaking spell check doesn't know how to spell this word). Which is a lot more possible. So I had been looking at dates etc and was thinking in October but if I'm changing positions I would have to ask for an extra day off and I hate to do that when I'm new to the position. So I started looking at labor day weekend but that was too expensive. Then looked at 8/31-9/2. This looks very doable. Flight is $100. Rooms for a Mon/Tues night are cheap. Some are even beyond cheap. I haven't decided yet where I would stay but wanted some opinions of anyone who's been to Vegas somewhat recently. I was looking at a couple of the somewhat older hotels on the strip that were pretty cheap. Basically this is going to be a room to sleep in. I don't plan on spending much time there otherwise. Then in looking around I found a really good deal for a room close to Fremont street. It's 3 miles from the strip which is further away than I would prefer however the last time I went to Vegas I never made it to Fremont street and I was told it was kind of interesting. If I was staying there I would definitely get to see it. It's a couple of blocks from an outlet mall (we all know how much I love malls!) and it's $10 freaking dollars a night. $10 dollars. Reviews for the hotel are fairly good. It's not a 5 star hotel but I don't need a 5 star hotel. So, does anyone have opinions on the area? I promise I'm not going to be stupid and do lots of walking around at night other than on the strip. I'll cab or shuttle bus to where I want to go. The places on the strip that were older still had decent rates. One was $26. a night and the other was $56. Again, older hotels but who cares. I'm going for cheap this time. I just want to go get away for a weekend and see an awesome show.

Offensive

Ok, please excuse the soap box speech here.

Do you ever see previews for a movie and think wow, I'd like to see that, it looks funny or good or whatever and then you see it and it so doesn't life up to it's expectation? So I love a good comedy movie. Something that I can sit and really get a good laugh about. Quite a while back I had seen previews for "Good Luck Chuck" and thought it looked funny, can't remember why but I remember it looked funny. I'm not someone who is bothered by naughtiness or whatever in a movie. Hell I loved America Pie and that movie was strictly about sex. So Good Luck Chuck. This guy goes to a wedding for an ex girlfriend and rumor goes around that every woman this man sleeps with ends up getting married soon after and now he has like hundreds of women after him. I was watching the movie and was getting a kick out of it to a point. There was of course a girl he really liked as in more than sex. She made it really funny because she was very clutzy always knocking things over, tripping over things etc. Also his friend who is raunchy and a horn dog and of course not a hit with the ladies. I had been laughing pretty good at it. Then there was the part where his secretary (his overweight secretary) decided that maybe the rumor was true and she was so desperate for love she begged him to sleep with her. So I was bothered by that. You know the whole poor fat girl, so desperate that she'll believe this rumor and make a fool of herself to have sex with this guy just so she can maybe find someone. I kept watching. Then he really starts to fall for this girl he likes and his friend says no, you can't sleep with her or she'll marry someone else. So his friend takes him to a pool to "prove" the rumor and picks out the biggest fattest person there and tells him that he has to sleep with her and see if she gets married. As soon as they show the woman he's supposed to go have sex with to prove the rumor I start feeling pretty offended. Here's this big lady in a two piece bathing suit, bikini line not shaved etc and they are talking about how gross and horrible she is, she farts when he asks her out. Then of course he takes her out to dinner and she's sitting there with a huge plate of food with hand fulls of food in both hands and food smeared all over her face, shoveling food in as fast as she could. I had to turn the movie off. This is so offensive. It makes me so fucking angry that people think up this stuff and think it's ok. Think it's ok, they're fat, they deserve to be made fun off and that it's supposed to be amusing. And yes maybe some would say I should have been angry at the whole premise of the movie but like I said, I'm not easily bothered and I can watch a movie and know that it's just a movie and not real life. However I'm sick of fat being the acceptable form of discrimination. I'm sick of how people who are overweight are portrayed. As a gross individual with no self respect, sloppy, dirty, shoveling food in with both hands and undeserving of respect and decency.

Yes I know my eating habits aren't great and that I should exercise more but I also know that even when I did exercise more and pretty much starve myself I was still chubby. I still was frequently viewed as a fat person. I also know that there are others with worse eating habits than me who don't have a weight problem. I know people who are total slugs who don't have weight problems. I know that to some extent there is a genetic link since I know at age 19 my birth mother was considered obese. I'm just tired of the view that all people who are overweight are a certain way, like the woman in the movie.

I Wish It Were Catching

After work this morning I went out to breakfast with some of the people from surgery. There is a group that works Sun, Mon, Tues every week and on Wed morning they all go out for breakfast. I don't often get to go since it doesn't work with my schedule but this week it did. So one of the girls that works in surgery is pregnant and she was there. Then the daughter of another woman got there, with her two week old baby girl. Then a second pregnant lady showed up. Yes at this point I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by all of this. It doesn't usually bother me to be around babies or pregnant people but once in a while it gets overwhelming. Of course one person said something about it being catching. I wish, if that were the case I would have been at the other end of the table trying to freaking catch something. Another said something about just going to the sperm bank and getting some. Yes, been there, done that. I do wish I could still afford to do that every month even if I can't afford IVF again but at $500 per vial it's a bit out of my price range to try monthly. Then I also got to thinking about how if the last IVF had worked, I'd probably have a new born. Instead I was sitting at the other end of the table looking at someone elses baby and wanting to hold it so bad but knowing that since I didn't know mom (or grandma) at all and that I'm still coughing I really shouldn't, wondering if I ever will have that.

As far as work goes, I still don't know much. I finally sent off another e-mail last night asking if they had a time frame for me. I know they have me on the schedule until mid September (ugg) but I also heard through the grapevine that they may have found my replacement. In the meantime, the job I'm supposed to be going to is still listed as available online.

Realization

So I know I've sort of been on break from the blog world lately. Sort of. I have kept up with the blogs that I had been following all ready. I've kept posting. But I haven't sought out connections for a while now, I haven't been as supportive to others as I like to be. I have stopped keeping up with what goes on with others in the ALI community. I think after the failed IVF last year and me being in a place where I can't try and have no idea if or when I will ever be able to try has made it a bit more difficult to see outside of my own box to look to connect with others. I would like to say that I'm very thankful for all of those who continue to be there and support me even though not knowing where my path will lead next. I truly don't know what I would do without this community. I mean who would I bitch about work to?? I can't even use faceb00k as much anymore since several work people have friended me. Just kidding. sort of.

In the meantime, the when of the job change is still up in the air. I think that my current supervisor is hoping I will change my mind if the one nurse leaves night shift and that I'll stay. I however have no intention of doing so. That position has been a hostile work environment since I started there. Yes harassment nurse played a big part in that but she has not been the only one. Even if she leaves there will still be other issues with the position and those are things that I am truly not interested in figuring out or coping with. I simply want to move on. I'm looking forward to moving on to a position where they want me there. And as much as it will suck giving up a couple of extra days a week off and $700 dollars a month it is still worth it for my piece of mind. I will figure out a way to make it work, I always do. I'm trying to look at the bright side of things. Things like I'll only be working 8 hours a day and I'll have more time to do things even on the days I work. Unlike now where the days I work I accomplish only work and sleep. Hopefully I can accomplish getting out some and getting to know people more and developing more relationships here. I'll maybe be able to keep up with blog land a bit more and give back a bit more to the community that has given so very much to me.

Productive Day

Sort of. I had to work slowly as every time I got going I started getting overly warm and dizzy. The dizzy along with my ears popping every time I move my head tells me that I likely still have some fluid built up in my ears. This seems to happen fairly regularly so I'm sure it will go away eventually. I got a bunch done though. I got my kitchen cleaned and reorganized a bit. Found a new place for the cat food now that it can sit on the floor again. Picked up all the various dog items and loaded them all up in the car to be delivered at a later time. Vacuumed up large quantities of dog hair, cleaned my bedroom up some, organized my hall closet and did a bunch of dishes. I still have lots to do but it looks better than it did. Oh and I even paid bills which as always is sort of depressing (and likely to become more depressing with the upcoming pay cut).

In between all of that I've read some, played some games on the computer and finally emptied out my reader.

In all my cleaning I came across an extra pair of fun and funky socks that I was sent with a recent order that was goofed up a bit. You can click on the link and it will show you the socks. I thought they would be a good gift to give away to someone. So if you want some fun funky socks, or need some lucky socks or anything else, leave a comment here and I'll enter you to win the socks and do the random chooser thing to pick someone.

On The Mend

This evening my throat finally quit feeling like I was swallowing razor blades which is a huge improvement from earlier today. I can now of course feel all of the crud settling in my chest where I'm sure it will hang out for a good month or so with the coughing and such that usually accompany the whole sick event. Damn I hate being sick. And I was supposed to have lunch today with Sam from Sam's Stories and another blogger who she was also meeting. I was going to get to hold a baby dammit!! But no, I left a message for her about not wanting to infect everyone and stayed home in bed. I can say the only thing I have accomplished this weekend is to finish reading another book. I'm hoping tomorrow I will at least feel like I have enough energy to get out the vacuum and start to work on cleaning up dog hair in my house. Maybe even work on my kitchen a bit and get the cat food off the table and find a new ant proof location for it.

Of course I haven't been sick enough that I haven't wanted to eat. No, that never happens. My weight as always is hovering around in the 10 pound range or so that it's been in for several years although it's hovering right now at the higher end of that. I try really hard for a while to control it but something always seems to come along and derail me. I find myself thinking again of the whole gastric bypass idea. I've went back and forth on this quite a bit in the past 6 years or so. Back when I was in nursing school I was positive that if I could get it paid for I would do it. Then after seeing some of the patients who have had tons of problems with it I've sort of chickened out. Plus, honestly I like food. That said though I have no desire to be diabetic or deal with the other numerous problems that come along with my weight. Problems that as I creep closer to 40 are looking more likely all the time. That's not even really including the pain etc that I deal with on pretty much a daily basis. I'm not stupid enough (or not totally anyways) to see it as an easy fix. I know it's not easy, it won't be easy and it's also not a guarantee. I also no longer wish to do it so that I can "find a husband" which used to be my main motivation. I won't deny that there isn't a small part of me that does occasionally wish to be considered pretty by normal standards but even that part of me knows that it's going to take more than just weight loss to reach a place where I really like all things about myself. However I do see that it might be one of the best chances I have of losing a very significant amount of weight that while maybe not getting myself into a "normal" BMI would likely drop me out of the morbid obese range. I also am aware that for all the ones that I see come through the hospital with bad problems from the surgery there are so very many more who are very happy they did it. However everyone has opinions on which to do. I've had numerous people say the lap band is the only way to go and other numerous people saying the lap band sucks and to do the other. I don't know what I want to do. I don't care if I'm chubby, I just want to be healthy. Especially if I'm ever going to be a mom. I don't know if I'm going to try to do it. I do know however that if I did decide to my insurance would pay for it. That's a big plus. So that's bouncing around in my head a lot lately. It would take a bit of work to get to the point of getting it done but hey, I've got nothing but time right?

Damn

I'm sick again. I guess this is what you get when you work with sick people all the time but it sucks big time. Pretty sure it's the flu this time as I've been feverish and achy along with the sore throat and sinuses that feel like they are going to explode. Fun stuff. I almost asked one of the docs at work if he would write me a script for Tami*flu but he was still in surgery when I left and I had no desire to sit down in the ED for hours just to get a script. I came home and crashed.

What really sucks is that I was supposed to meet another blogger tomorrow for lunch and see her baby. Now I can't because I can't risk exposing them to whatever this creeping crud is I have.

The last couple of nights have been so-so. Problem nurse spent part of it not speaking to me again, to the point where she even refused to answer a question I asked a couple of times. Whatever. It was a little easier to ignore it this week. I still haven't heard anything about when I'm going to days. Hopefully soon. I'm really actually looking forward to a day shift even if it is 8 hour shifts and only 2 days a week off. To be able to rejoin normal people and sleep at night sounds wonderful.

I had all kinds of plans for my weekend. Mostly to get some cleaning done and to un-dog my house. Meaning to gather up all of Sadie's things and take them to her new residence (yes she went to live with my friend from work and is being loved by the whole family), and to get all the dog hair cleaned up. If I'm not feeling better though it may not happen. Not much else going on here. It's been wonderfully cooler here the last few days, in the 80's and I've been asleep both days. It's nice tonight though and I've got all the windows open.

Well I hope everyone has a good weekend. All of you with a reader, you may have several updated versions of this since my head is too fogged to by able to think clearly and I had to keep fixing things.

Wow I Talk A Lot

This is my 610th post. Hmm. In a bit less than 3 years.

Tonight was one of my nights off and since it was only about 88 degrees out I decided to go sit out in the back yard and read while the cats wandered around outside. We had been out for a while and I heard Sara "talking". I looked up to see what she was getting into and hovering about a foot from her, just barely off the ground was a little hummingbird. It was looking at her like, "hmm, wonder what you are?" and Sara was looking at it like "hmm, wonder how I can catch that?" It was amazing. It stayed there for a good 10-15 seconds before flying up to the sun flowers that peek over my fence from the neighbors yard. So of course I had to run inside and get my camera to try to get some pics of it. Most of them were sort of iffy since it was just starting to get dark and of course the little guy was moving rather quick but here are two that were pretty good. The first is the humming bird sitting on a branch and the second is him hovering in front of the sun flower.

A Little Better

Things have been a little better the last couple of nights. I've done a much better job of burying myself in my book and trying to just ignore her. It's worked mostly. She talks to me some, mostly just to ask questions about work stuff. She is polite but nothing more. I am fairly sure that one of the people I talked to the other day about her inappropriate conversation said something to her because she seems to be very careful about what she says and spends time in the break room with her friends. Whatever. She said something last night about how she's confrontational and will just say something to someone rather than talk behind their back. Yeah, whatever, I've heard her do plenty of talking behind peoples back. I think the comment was meant for me. I just kept telling myself "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care." Word has also been getting around that I'm leaving this position. I've had a few people say that they had heard I was going to days and one of the nurses from short stay said that the nurses I'm going to be working for are really excited that I'm going to be coming to work with them. That makes it nicer. It's nice to feel wanted.

I was sitting there thinking last night and realized I hadn't been to Tar*get in like a month. How very strange for me. So after going out for breakfast this morning I rectified that. Then surprised myself further by walking back out of the store without buying a thing. Of course I then went somewhere else and more than made up for that. I bought new shoes. 4 pair. There's a reason for that though. I love my flip flops and crocs. I have a bunch of the really flimsy cheapie flip flops that I wear all the time. Then for work I have a bunch of crocs in various colors that I wear. I've been wearing the crocs for like 4 years now and haven't had too much problem with them even though many people say they don't have enough arch support. I've had a few mornings where when I got off work my feet were really sore but not enough to make me quit wearing them. Then Friday happened. I work up for work Friday afternoon, hoped out of bed and felt like someone was shoving a nail into the heal of my right foot. Oh goody the plantar fascitis is back in my right foot. Left is so far fine but if I keep walking all wonky I'm sure it will join in the game. The last time I had plantar fascitis it took 3 years to get rid of it and the only thing that finally made it go away is staying off my feet. So I'm a bit freaked about it being back. It could be the crocs but since I've been wearing them for so long without problems I'm inclined (or hoping) that they aren't to blame. I think it was my trip to Monterey and spending the entire day walking around in cheap flip flops. So today I went in search of good shoes. I used to live in Birkenstocks but my favorite pairs had worn out and I hadn't replaced them. So I went to the store in town that sells them this morning. They had a sale going on. A buy one get one half off sale. I ended up buying 4 pair. I've been wearing them around a bit (when I'm not sleeping) and they feel fabulous. So hopefully I've caught this foot problem in time and it won't last long. Now my goal is to spend most of the rest of my 2 nights off resting my foot and icing it.

Hopefully I'll hear something soon about when I switch jobs at work. In the meantime I'll just keep reading and keeping to myself as much as possible.

Ugg

So I very strongly dislike my job. We all know that. It's the obnoxious and offensive coworker and it's other things too. It's things like too much ambiguity in my job description, or not having a job description. It's a new position that has been left very open on what all it entails so that they can make it be whatever they want or need it to be. I've complained about things on here but up until about two months ago I haven't complained much at work. I've sat here and quietly stewed on it and tried to hide how unhappy I was. Then a couple of weeks ago it sort of blew up and I could no longer try to hide it or keep quiet. I suck and suffering silently I guess. Talking to someone higher up hasn't done much to make my job more agreeable. There is now an even bigger feeling of discomfort every freaking day I'm here. I feel like I'm constantly trying to step around everyone and then on top of it the main person who has been harassing me seems even more annoying because I'm at the end of my threshold for dealing with this. The problem with all of this is that I catch myself talking to others about my unhappiness. Others at work. Which I think is getting me in trouble. I've tried sticking to myself and all but it's hard when you're all stuck in one room together and your constantly listening to everyone. Also you know she talks about everyone and so when she's quiet you start to wonder if she's talking about you. Yes, I'm losing it. I've been trying to just stick with reading my book in my down time which is a great way for me to refocus elsewhere but then that seems to piss them off that I'm not working more. And I'm freaked out that it could be another month before I get to move to the other position and I don't know if I will survive that long without a complete freaking meltdown. And yes I know it's not logical to let all of this get to me like it has but it has gotten to me and I'm so stressed out and anxious about all if it that I can't shut the hell up. Ugg.