Tomorrows Friday!

Thank goodness. Actually I can't complain much as today was really slow at work and I left at 2:15. I came home and took a nap which was really nice but I'm guessing I will be up all night now. Oh goody. Oh well. That nap sure felt good.

Today at work I was informed that our department is being split up. Me and two other nurses are moving out to another building where we will be taking care of only a portion of the patients. In a lot of ways it's disappointing. I like all the people I work with and I won't even be in the same building any more. Granted I really like the people I will still be working with but still I have very mixed feelings about this. I also talked to my manager and told her I was planning on having surgery. She was really supportive about it which I appreciated since basically I was telling her I would need to be taking time off. I don't know how much time off I will need but I'm hoping this will all be happening sometime in April. I never did tell her about the FET and the cancellation of but I know she knows something was up. One of the nurses today was telling me that she had been asking about me last week and if I was ok. She was concerned because she knows I don't have family or anything here. Nice to know she cares though. Made me kind of teary all over again.

This has all been so disappointing. I was supposed to be PUPO right now. And I'm not. I feel also a bit betrayed by my doctors office. This very much seems like a different clinic than where I went for my last IVF but yet the doctor and staff are all the same. No one ever called me after I cancelled it and apologized or anything. Then yesterday I got a bill for donor sperm storage. Huh? I didn't even know I had any donor sperm there. Now they want either money for storing it for another year or what I want to do with it. It's just so strange because it is so much different from the treatment I have received there in the past.

Home

Well, I'm home. I'm also incredibly sore. My legs hurt so bad that it's not even funny. I go back to work tomorrow for 2 days and then have the weekend off. I had a great time and am glad I took the trip. I really needed to get out and find myself some happy. I didn't even think yesterday until the evening that it was supposed to be my transfer day. Right now I'm really doing pretty good with all of it. As much as it was a difficult choice to say no to the donor embryos I still truly believe it was the right choice. So, on to surgery. I have 2 appointments coming up in about 2.5 weeks for prep for surgery. In the meantime once I feel like I can walk again I need to start working out again. I've been pretty bad at that lately.

Now, I think I'll make an early night of it and go to bed. I tried catching up on blogs but I'm so tired and there are a bunch of long posts so I think I'll wait until I can actually think about what I can read. And hope by then there aren't too many posts in my reader.

My Mini Vacay!

So I had mentioned the other day that I was coming down to LA for a couple of days. I had managed to get a fantastic deal on two one day passes for Disney*land and Cali*fornia Adve*nture. I got the 2 tickets for $70 which is almost half of what they usually are. Since I had time off requested for the FET that wasn't I decided I needed to find myself some happy. And what better place to do that than one of the happiest places ever. Actually to some it may sound like a living nightmare what with being the mecca of little children, babies and pregnant ladies. That said I'm enjoying myself. I sort of steer clear of the babies and the kids I can usually get a laugh over. Plus I truly LOVE this place and it's one of my favorite places to go. Today was fabulous. It was beautiful and sunny and warm but not too warm. Plus it wasn't horribly busy. I managed to walk on to Pir*ates of the Carr*ibean 3 times with no wait. The longest I waited for anything was Spa*ce Mou*ntain and the submarine ride (which totally was not worth the wait).

I had some interesting thoughts though when I first got there this morning. I was walking around some before the rides etc opened and was looking through the shops which of course were open. I got to thinking how the next time I come here I will likely be significantly smaller. It was a really exciting thought. I love Dis*neyland because most all of the rides will fit even a larger individual but it still isn't easy. It still can be a bit of a tight fit on a couple rides and I always forget how much my feet and knees hate hauling around the rest of my body until I've been on them ALL day. But I love rides. A couple years ago I went to the fair when I was in Sacramento. I was so disappointed that day because I couldn't ride hardly any of the rides as I was too big. Same with Mag*ic Mountain several years ago when I first came down to California. It was so disappointing to not fit. And embarrassing. Also when I went to Vegas last fall I was disappointed because there had been so many things I had wanted to do and couldn't as I just couldn't do the walking. It will be really nice to be a lot thinner and therefore hopefully more able to walk around and do more. I'm actually really looking forward to it.

Now I better publish this before my hour of internet coverage is over.

Does Anyone Need

Any progesterone in oil (complete with syringes and needles) and a box of vivelle dots? The dots were left over from my last cycle and are good through 7/10 and the progesterone is in ethyl oleate and is good until like the end of march. Obviously I'm not going to be using them and I thought I would see if anyone else wants or needs them.

Moving Right Along

Well, it's been a crazy busy week at work and a bit of a downer. I'm now off work for the next 5 days and am looking forward to not going to work. I've worked late almost every night this week. Tonight was the only night I've actually left on time. It's been very busy at work which I suppose is good, job security and all that of course. Emotionally I'm doing ok. Of course Wed morning the clinic called to "review my insurance benefits" I told her I had cancelled the cycle and she acted offended. As far as benefits, I know what I have. I have a very small amount, life time maximum for IF coverage and my doctor isn't one of the preferred providers and so they only pay like 50% if anything. Of course as soon as I hung up I started to freak out a bit but I managed to calm down fairly quickly. I still really believe I'm doing the right thing. I believe it was right even if it was a bit painful, to walk away from this. I also called the surgeon's office on Wednesday to see about making another appointment to get started on the Gastric bypass. Turns out I don't have to go back to the surgeon right away. They got everything started for me and I have appointments in a couple of weeks for the psych eval and with the dietician. It's kind of exciting. A bit scary too but exciting. I think this is going to happen within the next 6 weeks or so.

So I had taken all of next week off back when I had planned on having an FET. I did change it a little bit and said I would work next Thur & Fri but I'm still taking Mon-Wed off. I feel like I could use it and I'm heading down to LA for a couple of days.

So that's what's going on now. It's a start. A start on much bigger things.

Updates And Drama

So, as I had alluded in my post Friday it was a long weekend. And a stressful one. My emotions have been all over the place. For those who have been reading here for a while you may remember that back in September when I first found out about the donor embryos I had finally decided to have gastric bypass surgery. Then I got the call for donor embryos and all of the sudden I was back to being able to think about nothing but babies. I ended up putting the gastric bypass on the back burner and doing a donor embryo cycle. Part of that decision was based on a cost that to me seemed affordable and in all honestly like a reasonable gamble, I had received a price list that explained the cost and seemed reasonable. I knew that I really wouldn't know a lot about what I was getting but the cost was such that I felt like it was an acceptable risk. It's been a bit of a struggle for me to come up with the money (or maybe more than a bit) but I've been really working on it and was pretty close to being ok for it. Last Thursday I got a price list from my cycle coordinator. When I opened the attachment I pretty much had a panic attack as the amount that was listed as being due by the 23rd was almost 3K more than what I had originally been told. There were new charges that hadn't been listed on the original price list. On Friday I attempted to call some one and get some answers and never received a call back. I went to work but the first time someone asked me how I was I started crying and couldn't stop. I ended up leaving work after about an hour and going home and sleeping most of the day. I never did hear from anyone which of course left me the whole weekend to stress about it. Also for the whole weekend I kept hearing that little voice in my head that kept saying "walk away." I tried to ignore and and kept hoping that something would come up to "fix" the situation. Finally on Monday I heard back from the clinic with the offer to explain the charges. In other words saying the charges stood as they were listed. I was offered a couple of more months to accumulate the money to which I said I would think about it. I doubt however my ability to come up with that much more money. In addition to that is the little voice that keeps telling me to walk away, that it's too much of a gamble for embryos that may be from someone my own age and that I am really lacking in faith right now in this whole situation. This morning at work in talking to a co-worker who has experienced infertility as well she asked me a question that was an important one but one I hadn't thought of. She asked me if I went ahead and went forward with the FET with donor embryos and if it didn't work, how would I feel about the situation. I realized that I would be very unhappy with myself. I just can't do it. So I notified the clinic that I was cancelling the cycle. I'm not willing to do this. I of course also spent the weekend trying to think up a different idea for me to get pregnant like right now. And I didn't find one. Except maybe the one I had been looking at before all of this started.

My plan at the moment is to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery and spend the next year or so trying to save up enough for a donor egg cycle. I feel better about using donor eggs from a known younger donor and I'd really prefer to do a fresh cycle first. Also since I've decided that there is a limit to how much farther I will take my quest for parenthood I feel like I need to go with what gives me my best possible chance. This donor embryo cycle no longer feels like that best possible chance. Of course I now have the dilemma of what about the donations and honestly I'm not sure what I should do. I know that there are those who have made donations on Calli's blog as well for both the snow globes and the raffle for the Purim basket. I'm not really sure what to do with that part of it but for those who have input feel free to offer it and for the donate site on my blog I will post here and will also try to contact directly those who have made donations to me to offer to refund the money. If you decide that you are more comfortable with a refund PLEASE do not feel badly about saying so. I would rather have someone say "please refund the money" than have there be bad feelings. Otherwise any funds will got into the savings account for a cycle to be used at some point in the future although I can't honestly say when in the future. I'm hoping for a year but I just don't know for sure.

For now, I'm giving myself a few days to eat through my grief and then moving full speed ahead at getting myself as healthy as possible to give whatever route I take in the future the best possible chance. I will continue to try to sell my blankets and I really do have plans for an adult sized one as soon as I get some time to work on it.

Love

So yes, it's the day in America that is considered the day of LOVE. Thanks Hallmark. It's a day that for many many years in the past I've simply felt horrible inadequate and alone. I know that the last couple of years I've noticed that it bothers me less than it used to. Maybe because even on the few years that I wasn't alone or was attached at the time of the holiday in question the times really weren't that good. Maybe it's because I gave up on ever truly finding love for myself and hence gave up on my constant frantic searching for Mr. Right. And just to say ha-freaking-ha to all those who knowingly said "as soon as you stop looking it will happen." Well I quit looking several years ago and it hasn't happened, I feel like I'm living proof that not everyone who wants marriage finds it. And I'm still ok. Mostly. Yes sometimes I get lonely and start thinking I'd like a guy around. More often I get horny but lets face, men aren't always necessary when one has batteries. Jaded much?

This does have a point. Really. I've been around a lot of really conservative people in my life. I respect there beliefs although I don't understand them. I respect that they believe certain things are wrong although I don't understand or accept the insistence to force those beliefs on others. Down at the bottom of my blog I've got a short little video that I stole/borrowed off Dora's blog. I don't think she minds. It captured me the first time I ever saw it. Enough so that several months later I went back and copied the site and put it on my blog so that I could go watch it. It's a video of a bunch of people in love who are asking to not be divorced against their will. Pictures that I'm sure some would state make them sick to see. And I don't get it. I see people in love. I see happy people, in love. And I can't understand why people can be so against the sleeping arrangements and lives of other people they've never met. In a world where there is many more images of war, hatred, and unhappiness I can't understand why people are bothered by who other people love. Likely I will never understand it either. Yes I was raised to believe being gay is wrong. I've heard all the arguments. They all just sound hollow to me because love is love and how can it be wrong? Ever? It makes me happy though to see that there are new pictures on there from time to time. See, Love matters in all it's forms.

Struggling

On so many levels. Struggling to not loose hope but yet to also not get totally carried away by it either. Struggling with just trying not to think about all the things zinging around my head. Last weekend I got a "message" on the face place from my cousin that she had gotten a letter from my mom with a picture of my sisters daughter and that mom had apparently had a rough year. I was beyond torn over this stupid little message. Upset that my mom writes to my cousin and not me. Upset that my cousin still doesn't freaking get it. She knew what had happened between my mom and I and has always made light of it as if it wasn't a big deal and would blow over. I remember when I said something about writing to my mom to her and not hearing back and being bothered by it and I was basically told that I was being stupid to be upset about it. So she sends me a message about hearing from mom. I'd love to say I rose above it and refrained from commenting back or was nice with my return comment but I really can't. It was catty. It pissed me off that she is that fucking clueless or more that she doesn't want to know. Then today in cruising around the face place again I came across some pictures of her daughters school V day party and the V day cards they made together. And I wanted to curl up in a freaking ball and sob. I don't want to be jealous of her and in all fairness as much as she is clueless about my mom she doesn't know much if anything about the IF (one of the few people in my life I haven't discussed it with) and so it's not like it's intentional. I likely would have felt that way about similar pictures from most anyone at this point. You know since I'm that instant crazy lady, just add hormones.

This afternoon in an attempt to get out and quit thinking so damn much I took off for a movie with a friend. I'll just say that the movie Val*entine's day for as much as I dislike the holiday itself the movie was great.

Long Weekend Ahead

And not necessarily in a good way. Last night I received an e-mail that indicated a possible hitch in the FET plans. A possible really big hitch. A hitch that has left me reeling a bit and trying my best to maintain as much of a sense of calm as possible and to not spend to much time thinking. I've only been mildly successful at that. I tried to call the person I would need to speak with at my clinic this morning and wasn't able to reach her but left a message that it was urgent I speak with her. I spent the drive to work worrying about what if she calls while I've got a patient and I really need to speak with her. Right after I got to work one of my friends came in and asked how I was doing which was sufficient to send me completely over the edge into a complete stress melt down. 45 minutes later I was still crying, had e-mailed my doctor and had developed a raging headache and was realizing that there was no logical way I was going to be able to see patients today. I wasn't very inspiring of confidence. Most everyone in the office at that point had seen me crying although not everyone knew what I was crying about. I finally told the charge nurse I had a splitting headache (not a lie at this point) and went home. I took something to help with the headache and laid down to wait for the much anticipated phone call and promptly fell asleep for the next several hours which isn't surprising as I didn't sleep much last night. By that time it was too late to reach much of anyone at my doctors office. I plan to try to keep busy this weekend with reading or whatever it takes to keep my mind of the possibilities and I struggle to get past my urge to expect the worst yet and to not give in to hopelessness. I can use some good thoughts that somehow it will all end up working out ok at this point and the FET will actually take place.

Monday Again

Yes, it's Monday again. This time next week though I'll still be sleeping so I'll just keep telling myself that. I posted several more blankets last night in the Etsy store. I had some really cute ones and I hope they do well. I sat up late last night just getting that done. Bills are paid, laundry is done, kitchen is relatively clean and I'm ready for another week of work. Oh goody. Hope everyone has a Happy Monday!

Day Of Rest My Ass

Yup. It's Sunday. And I have house cleaning and laundry to do. I'm intent on getting this done as I'm also intent on not doing it on my vacation in a couple of weeks. I want the house cleaning all pretty much done before my transfer. So I'm starting today. Slowly but starting anyways. My goal today is to at least get all the laundry done and the kitchen swept and tidied up a bit. I'm also spending some time reading which I haven't done much of lately. I was trying to figure out why I've been doing so much less reading and I think it's because I've been doing so much sewing and such. I like sewing but I'm missing books. I also need to do some serious filing soon and you know that project I started several months ago with all my recipes? Yeah, that one. The pile of recipes is still sitting here next to my desk and gets knocked over almost daily from Luna jumping up here. I need to work on that too. Next weekend I have a 3 day weekend and so I'm hoping to finish up most of the house cleaning then. Lots to do. I also have several sewing projects I want to get started on or finish. I've got one crib sized quilt that I want to do and I'm waiting on the last piece of fabric for it. I had got a piece of fabric that I thought would work off Etsy but turns out it wasn't long enough. So I wait for the fabric to come in to the fabric store again. I also am considering the suggestions to make one of my blankets in an adult size. I'm thinking I will and then maybe sell it on e-bay. Say one of the skull and cross bones ones? I also need to re-write the ads/description of the blankets on etsy and list the last few that I've finished. I need to make the ads sound better I think. Any thoughts? Anyone really good at writing up stuff like that? Also, to those that have one of the blankets how do you wash it and does it wash up well? I've never washed one of them. I would assume that I would wash it much like I wash most everything else, cold water (maybe gentle cycle) and the dry on lower heat although the fabric was already washed and dried on high heat so that technically should be ok. So those are my projects for the day. I suppose I should get started.

TGIF

I'm so glad it's Friday. Really glad. This morning came the application of the first 2 viv*elle dots and they are on along with a decrease in the Lu*pron. Things are moving along. It feels really slow although I know that I'm less than 3 weeks from transfer.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a dermatologist which was much needed. I know that I'm pretty high risk for skin cancer and a couple of years ago I had tried to make an appt for a skin check and everywhere I called was making appointments 6 months out. Since I was traveling at the time that just didn't seem reasonable and so I didn't do it. The last 6 months or so I kept telling myself that I needed to make an appointment and I kept forgetting. Last week I got a nice big reminder. I had a patient who was close to my age in my office with malignant melanoma and was having surgery to have that removed and possibly lymph nodes etc. Scary stuff. So Monday I started calling around. And found an appointment for Thursday. So yesterday I went and got my skin checked over. I had 2 little things removed for biopsy and I guess it will take a week to 10 days to get them biopsied but I finally got in there. Now all I need to do is manage to get to the dentist.

Maybe It's The Hormones

So maybe it wasn't the Benadryl. Maybe it's the hormones. Cause last nights dream was equally bizarre and alarming although thankfully didn't include babies in any form, not even swinging by their teeth. I dreamed I was kidnapped by a group of guys who had a bunch of women who were their sex slaves. They told me they would torture me at first to make me compliant. Hmm. Maybe from the book I'm reading? I'm reading The 19th Wife which is really interesting although there are parts where it's talking about the treatment of women that make me mad. At any rate I hadn't taken any meds so it wasn't that. I did also figure out a solution to the lack of a CD player. A fan. I don't know why I had to have someone point that out to me (maybe because it's February?) but that created enough "noise" that I was able to fall asleep fine.

I'm doing mostly ok. I'm still struggling with the emotional bouncing that is doing a cycle. I bounce back and forth between hope and hopelessness pretty regularly. On one hand I'm hopeful that this might work. On the other I'm afraid to hope too much and find myself thinking of things not working as a sort of defense mechanism. It probably doesn't help much that I'm not feeling great. I feel like I'm taking on water like a damn leaky canoe in a rainstorm and it's making me gain weight. I have canckles and it's also making my muscles and joints more sore which doesn't help either. It will be worth it though. It will. I keep telling myself to think positive and do the best I can with the diet etc and try not to stress so damn much. I'm now 20 days away from transfer and I start the Vi*velle on Friday.

Why I Probably Shouldn't Take Benadryl At Bedtime

Oh holy cow the dreams I have. So as usual when stress is in the building and I have a lot on my mind sleep doesn't come easy. My mind keeps bouncing back and forth between the what if it works and what if it doesn't work film reels in my head. Then there's the problem of my CD player not working. I listen to instrumental music at night. Kind of a white noise thing. I've been doing it for years and it tends to be difficult to fall asleep when it's all quiet. Chalk that up to all those times my mom told me that someone could come in the night and take me and torture me and maybe even kill me to get me to say bad things about God. So factor in the busy brain, quiet room and itchiness and I decided Benadryl was the way to go. I took my little pink and white pill and after a bit fell asleep and actually slept pretty well. I woke up however to the freakiest dream. I dreamed I had a baby. As in I had went to the hospital and had a baby although I didn't remember the labor or any of that. So I was out of the hospital and BFF was there helping me as I was going to travel somewhere (home I think) and she was coming with me. I was trying to figure out the whole luggage thing as I had way too much of it. So anyways, new baby. Probably 3 days old. I started freaking out though because I knew she was several days old and I couldn't remember if I had ever fed her. I kept trying to breast feed her but she was totally not interested and kept looking away and I'd be trying and then fall asleep and when I would wake up she would be back in the crib I was using in the hotel. So I was scared she wasn't getting enough to eat. Then I remembered well as long as she's pooping and peeing it's all good. But then I realized that I couldn't remember ever changing her diaper. So I went to change her diaper and the bassinet (like a hospital one) had one of those trapeze things over it like an adult hospital bed. I laid her down and started changing her diaper and then the next thing I know she's hanging from her mouth from the trapeze thing. Thankfully this is about where I woke up. Wow, that is just beyond weird. I think I need a nap.