Wasting Time and Eggs

Ok, so it seriously feels like I am wasting time and eggs here. On Saturday of last week my CM showed up and it just about drove me nuts for several days knowing I had no sperm. I was ovulating and could do nothing about it. So, I definitely need to try in July, even if it's another home try. I hate waiting just to try. I hate feeling like my body is doing something and I can't do anything to participate in the cycle.
Everything else in life feels like it's in limbo right now. I still don't have a contract for my next assignment. I've heard rumors that they don't offer a new contract until the very end of the assignment but it really sucks because I can't work on getting a new apartment lined up, or making plane reservations to go home. I can't get a hold of the fertility clinic and ask to be a patient since I don't know for sure if I will be here in July. I know I probably will but don't know for sure if I will. Plus, I really dislike the job. Last night, most all of the nurses on my unit had 6 patients each which is against California state law. It's state mandated for a 5 to 1 nurse to patient ratio which is the main reason I came to California. I started off my night with 5 patients in the overflow room doing primary care on all 5. Which means, I was doing the job of the CNA in addition to doing my job. I moved all those patients out to the floor by around midnight and was supposed to get help which I didn't. Then between 11:30 and 5 I got 5 new patients which amounts to a ton of paperwork. I finally complained loud enough that I got some help so it wasn't just me taking care of everyone but still. I feel like at times I am really risking my nursing license at this hospital. I had a patient with orders to move him to a floor where he got more advanced care and that didn't have for almost 5 hours. The only reason I find myself wanting to stay at this assignment is because I want to use the fertility clinic which at times feels crazy. So, I wait to find out what next and I don't even know for sure what to wish for.

Let There Be Cake

In honor of Mel at Stirrup Queens who is having a blog-o-versary I had cake this last weekend. While wandering the lovely town of Half Moon Bay I found this amazing looking cake that was a raspberry butter cream cake. Since I said I would participate in the blog-o-versary and take a picture of my cake, this seemed like the perfect cake to do so with. It was a pretty good cake too.


Of course the fun part of this is that I couldn't get my internet connection to allow me to upload the picture. Every time I try it kicks me off and I can't reconnect until I restart the computer. So, I had to hijack someone elses wireless internet connections. I know, I'm bad.

Fantastic Weekend

Well, I had an unbelievably great weekend. Thursday I got to see my sunset which was nice. Friday I drove up highway 1 along the coast and it really was a beautiful drive. Don't know if I would do it again as it was a really LONG drive but beautiful. I stopped at one turn out to see the elephant seals and also saw some incredibly fat friendly squirrels. No one pays attention to all the signs that say don't feed the animals. I made it as far as Half Moon Bay and stopped and found a hotel. I paid quite a bit more for it than the place I stayed the first night but yes, it was much nicer. And Mel you are right, I remember (or was reminded) of the days of hotels that would now scare the hell out of me. We used to do it every year on my birthday and we never spent much on the hotel as we needed the money for drinking. Once I had the hotel covered I drove to the airport and picked up R. The next day we went into San Francisco and explored and had so much fun. It was a beautiful day and we got to see a lot. The high point of my day was probably a toss up between the boat ride in the bay and the Ghiradelli chocolate factory. Then we drove back down the coast, stopped shortly at the beach and then went out for dinner and drinks. After dinner we sat on the beach giggling about times past and such. Today we went to the beach again until we just couldn't stand freezing in the wind anymore, then explored the town of Half Moon Bay. I'm staying here again tonight as I hate driving after dark. It was so great having R here and being able to talk to her about all the stuff that is making me nutty. The whole TTC thing which has me so scared it's never going to work. I have made a tentative decision on how much more I think I can handle and when I move to plan B. And what plan B is. I had a dream about plan B (foreign adoption) the other night and it was my mom in my dream giving me advice. It's very odd to me that it usually ends up being my mom in my dreams giving me advice (that is usually pretty good advice) when in real life, my mom doesn't usually take part in my life by her choice. We talked about men. Apparently there was a guy at the beach last night hitting on me which I totally missed. I didn't think anything of the fact that he came up and started talking to me as I was getting into my car but R pointed out that he had followed us up the stairs from the beach and was seeming interested. He seemed like maybe late 40's early 50's which is both frustrating and flattering. It seems that is the age group I seem to attract which isn't necessarily a bad thing but seems strange to me. I'm 37 and it seems like it's old men hitting on me but really they aren't that much horribly older than me. We talked about kids and pregnancy and all sorts of girly stuff. I find that this is what feels like is missing in my life. Granted we do talk on the phone but sometimes I just miss having a friend to get together with and visit. Anyways, we had a great time and I even still have a little bit of money left. Not a lot but some. And lots of dinking and even a little drinking occurred.

Hotel Blues

Ok, so I really have to stop booking the cheapest hotel I can find. Seriously. I just arrived to Morro Bay and while the hotel room is cleaner (I think) than the place I stayed when I went to Magic Mountain, I'm pretty sure it's older. Oh well. It's only one night. I just need to get used to the idea that I need to buck up and pay more. No B, I haven't found some guy I've been out having hot sex with. I've been working. Sad but true. Four 12 hour days in a row is pretty long and leaves me very tired out. I only slept like 2.5 hours today before getting up and driving here but I think I'm ready to head out and look around. Birthday was about as good as could be expected since I was at work but I'm going to have an awesome weekend. And it's soooo much cooler here than Fresno. Good thing since near as I can tell the room doesn't have AC. Well, I think I am going to go out and explore and maybe catch up on everyones blogs later tonight. However my internet connection sucks here so we'll see. Then tomorrow I'm driving up the coast and will eventually get to San Francisco to meet my friend. Her flight doesn't come in until after 8pm so I have plenty of time to dink around some.

Patience Won

So, patience won this time. She had to, or you all would think I'm totally impulsive. Actually those that know me know that I can be. hehe. Anyways, I have not taken any soy isoflavones or anything else nor have I ordered sperm. So unless I wanted to go just pick out some random hot guy to have sex with, it's not happening this month. No, I'm not planning to go pick out some random hot guy and even if I was, the chance of him returning the interest is probably slim to none. So, I'm taking June off and I will be trying to get the local fertility clinic involved so I can do a more monitored cycle here. Which gives me more money for fun. I have my hotel booked for Thursday night so that I can sit on the beach and watch the sun set. I am very excited. And my best friend is flying in to San Francisco on Friday evening to spend the weekend with me!!! I am so excited. I have no idea what we are going to do or where we are going but we are going to have fun. I figure on Friday I can spend part of the day on the beach and then drive up the coast. And I will take along my camera again to take pics but if I can't figure out how to get this stupid internet to work I have no idea how I will post the pics. Now, if I don't go to bed, I will pay for it tonight. So, good night all and I hope you have a great day. And kittenroar I hope that beta gives you a fantastic result!!!!!

Indecision

So yesterday I was fine with sitting the month of June out and not trying. Today not so much. I don't want to sit the month out. However it feels a bit like if I do try, I will be wasting my money big time as I would be trying an unmedicated cycle at home with no assistance. I have one vial of 280 left in storage which I could have shipped to me. If I was at home and could just drive up the road and pick it up, I would probably give it a go but since it's almost as expensive to ship here as it was to buy the vial and since I just don't have a feeling it would work, it feels like I'm wasting money. But I HATE waiting. I know, I need a patience transfusion. I know it makes sense to wait and to try to get hooked up with the fertility clinic here. And yes I will wait. But for today I'm feeling antsy, and lonely. Not really home sick although I am hating the heat here, yes Rajen I know it's probably hotter elsewhere but I still hate the heat no matter where I am. If I were at home and it was hot (it's not thought) I would still be bitching about the heat. However, I don't know what the nursing situation is like in Houston but I have considered that it would be fun to head that way in the fall just to meet all you people that I talk to online. I would love to be able to meet everyone, just a matter of how to get all over the US. I actually went to the pool and went swimming this morning. It was really nice. I should do that more often although I hate swimming suits too. Nothing like letting everyone see all the fat that I usually so carefully try to hide. And I went looking for a new bathing suit today and all I could find were 2 piece tank suit things. I wonder who got the idea that all plus size women would look good in a two piece because I sure don't. Well, back to house work and maybe I'll start a new book.

It's Finally Friday!!

oops, I hit the wrong button there. If someone manages to check my blog while typing, all they will see is a title. Anyways, it's Friday, even my Friday although it feels a little bit like Saturday. It's that whole lose a day thing for night shifters. I made it through another week. And this assignment is getting pretty close to being done. And God help me but I told my agent today that I would consider another assignment here. I actually like Fresno better than I thought I would although that opinion could change quickly here in the next few days. It's hotter than hell here. I'm not really a big fan of the heat and it was 85 degrees when I got off work this morning at 7:30. Yuck. Thank goodness for AC. I told my agent though that I would consider staying here if I could change what department I work in. I would rather do float pool I think (I hope that one doesn't bite me in the ass) and I would only work 4 days a week every other week. He mentioned that I should talk to the manager (I have no idea who that is) and at least meet them to give myself a better chance. I'll have to look into that. I also really want to push for a better schedule. I'm tired of this no more than 2 days in a row off. So, if I'm staying in Fresno the RE who didn't want to take the time to do an IUI (the reason was I wasn't going to be in Fresno long enough) may become an option again. I would be here for another 4 months and since I really want to do a cycle with more monitoring like ultrasounds etc, I could try to get another good cycle in down here, without having to go home and stay for several weeks. I still want to go stay for a few days but not several weeks. So June probably won't happen but that's ok as I really need to go to the dentist. I've been avoiding that since they told me in March I needed 3 fillings. I HATE going to the dentist, I'm a big weenie when it comes to the dentist. I've actually considered conscious sedation for dental work. But maybe I could get everything on track for July. That would be awesome. And I think I'm rambling now. Could be related to having been awake for almost 24 hours. Well, ni nite all.

Thanks

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I really appreciated it. I was very down yesterday but am feeling better today. First off to answer the question when am I going home, I am done with this travel assignment on July 10th. I want to go home for at least a week or so at that time before I start my next assignment. I want to go see my dog, watch all the shows I've TIVO'd the last 3 months and just spend some time chilling. Not sure how that is all going to work it but that is my plan/hope. I am planning on still doing the traveling. Partially because while I have a lot of my bills paid off (more than I had 3 months ago) but also because this provides me with the money I need to continue TTC. I don't know how much I would be able to continue to do if I wasn't doing the travel nursing thing. Also, if I don't manage to get pregnant with AI, I haven't decided whether I will give IVF a try or if I will go straight to attempting adoption, probably a foreign adoption and for either of those options, I will need boatloads of money which again, can be gained by travel nursing. I get home sick occasionally but have actually done pretty well this assignment with that. So, I can go home in July but am not going home permanently.
Not sure right now what my TTC plans include. I talked to my doctors office yesterday and they finally had my progesterone results and they were 7.2 at 7 dpo. So the nurse (MA?) stated that well you ovulated so that's good. I'm sorry but that doesn't really fall into the category of good to me. That's lower than what my progesterone level was without clomid. Plus there is the fact that I ovulated like 5 days late but yet I only started my period 2 days late which means that my luteal phase was shorter than usual. I feel like my progesterone level started out really good and higher than normal but fell quickly. I told the office that next time I wanted to do a more closely monitored cycle, meaning ultrasounds etc to figure out if I need a trigger shot at around 14 days instead of waiting for my body to do it's thing. The nurse agreed but I think she was thinking more along the lines of just being able to get labs on time. She said I would need to be home for most of the cycle (4 weeks) but that maybe the doctor would let me start the clomid before I came home. So, I don't know what my plans are for my next cycle. My choices as I see it are to try to work a cycle in at home, wait another 3 months, try a cycle at home without the benefit of meds and use progesterone cream from day 1 or try to get prometrium, or try a cycle at home and try using soy isoflavones (works sort of like clomid?) and see if that works. Those last 2 options sound like pretty expensive science projects without much of a chance for success but then I was so sure that Clomid would do the trick and it didn't. As far as I can see, it sort of sucked. It made me feel crappy, and my progesterone was lower on clomid than before. I don't love the idea of waiting much longer. I suppose July isn't bad but I hate to keep trying once then waiting several months. It's making me crazy. But then the entire TTC process is making me crazy. I know I've mentioned before and have heard others mention the lack of control with TTC. But it's more than that. It's knowing that it's one of the few things in life where the prize (a BFP) doesn't go to the person who works the hardest for it, or the person who wants it the most or the person who deserves it. It's absolute luck or chance. There is a chance that no matter how hard I try or how much I deserve it, it may not ever happen and it sucks big time. And then there are those who absolutely don't deserve it and it happens when they don't want it. I guess that's why I'm superstitious about TTC. Because believing in good luck charms or signs feels like the only thing I can put my hope in. I have very little control over the chance that it will work past doing AI's at the right time etc. Anyways, now I'm rambling and I should be going to sleep. I have to work 2 more nights and then I get a crappy 2 nights off. I had told the scheduler that I was happy to work 4 in a row if it meant having more than 2 in a row off. So, I'm scheduled 4 on 2 off, 4 on then I get my 6 days off that I had requested to do my cycle in June which now the timing no longer works for. So while I have to work on my Birthday (shit) at least I have the first day of summer off and I want to sit on the beach somewhere and watch the sun set. So I am definitely going somewhere. Now, off to bed with me.

Bad Morning

Well, AF showed at about 3 am this morning while I was at work. Like 3 days early too. I spent most of the night feeling like shit because I was nauseous and hoping it was a good sign and not just the progesterone, then started noticing AF like cramps. Sure enough there she was. Not heavy yet but I am guessing that is also because of the progesterone. So I feel even shittier. Is that a word? I feel horrible. I barely made it through the rest of my shift without crying and I've been crying ever since I got off work. So now I'm going to go to bed and try to sleep so I can go back to that place tonight. I miss home. I miss my doggy. And I'm just miserable. Sorry.

Still Nothing

Ok, so 11 dpo and still a BFN this morning. I know there is still time. It could still turn out to be a BFP. And today I feel like crap and it doesn't help since I know that it could be the progesterone cream. I called my doctors office today and the nurse said she would check again and see if she could locate the results. Now that it's like 5 days later. I have been dizzy and light headed all day and just sort of nauseous which like I said could all be related to the progesterone cream. And I'm trying, rather unsuccessfully not to think about it. I am thinking I won't test tomorrow as I would be testing right before I was supposed to go to work. I may wait a few days actually since I work for the next 4 nights. I also don't know how much I'll sign on in the next few days since I'm going to be working. If I do get a BFP I will sign on to post that but like I said, I don't know if I will test.

Nothing Yet

Well, I did test this morning to the tune of a BFN. It's only 10 dpo. I know there is still time. Not sure what I think about symptoms though. Like I said I had went and bought some progesterone cream the other night and used it that first night and didn't really feel any symptoms or anything which didn't surprise me with just one use. Then yesterday afternoon I was really hungry so I ate dinner and shortly after dinner I started feeling really nauseous. To the point where for a minute, I really thought I was going to puke. It went away eventually but for a while there I felt awful. That was almost 24 hours after I had done the progesterone cream the first time and I hadn't put it on for a second time yet. I did right after that though. Other than that I'm hungry a lot but then that could be nerves. It's still frustrating that I can't have my test results and yes especially since they are time sensitive. I'm trying to stay positive while preparing for disappointment. I just don't know what to think. I had always imagined that when it did work, I would have something occur that conclusively made me feel like "Yup, this is it, I'm pregnant" and I don't have that at all. Heck, I don't even have as many "symptoms" as the first time I tried and that one didn't work. Oh and I went to Babies R Us today (to torture myself further) and looked at the stroller I bought on e-bay a couple weeks ago. It's a nice one. The color wouldn't have necessarily been my first choice but it's not bad. I really liked it. Also, this particular store had some maternity clothes although none in my size and I saw a tank top that would be perfect for me, and Candace a a few others. Just a plain white, ribbed tank top that says in black letters "Shopping for Two". I love it. So now I am thinking maybe it's nap time. Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Pics

So here is a pic of me at King's Canyon taken a few weeks ago, I finally got one to upload and trying to see where in my blog this will show up (I started this post weeks ago) and now to see if I can upload another pic.

Still Here

I'm still here and am doing ok, sort of. I have been surprisingly unstressed for the first half of the TWW. I really wasn't stressing about it or worrying about it much at all. Way less than last time. Until Thursday. Now I'm thinking about it almost constantly. Up until Thursday I was feeling really optimistic. I was feeling great as I knew I had timed my AI's well and I am positive I ovulated. I had symptoms of progesterone in my body that was there naturally. Those symptoms seem to be fading. Maybe I'm just paranoid but my boobs don't hurt as much. Not really noticing much of anything else. I think part of it is that on Thursday I went to get my 7 dpo progesterone level drawn which of course was much more difficult this week than it was last week. They said something about I hope they don't lose this blood as they keep doing that. WHAT!!!! So they drew my blood, I asked the results to be called to my doctor and I called that afternoon and my doctors nurse told me my level had been 1.6 and I hadn't ovulated. I'm freaking out because I am positive I did ovulate and I'm trying to tell her that and she notices that this is the result from the week before. Ok, so I relaxed, slightly. She was going to call and see if she could find the results and she call me the next day, what would be a good time to call. I said I would be in bed by 9 or so in the AM. Of course I sort of heard the phone ring around noon and couldn't drag myself out of bed to answer it in the other room, I thought I'd call back when I woke up. Well the message was that the lab here says they don't have my blood, only the 1 test from a week ago. I call the office back, they are of course gone for the weekend. Shit. I try calling the lab here to figure out what they did with my blood. I'm told that she doesn't know what the main lab was talking about, the second test is right there in the computer, she can see it, it's just not done yet as it can take up to 5 days. What the hell are they doing, building the damn machine? I've worked in a lab before, this is not a difficult test. And I know they can do it faster if it's ordered STAT as they did last week. Of course also thanks to HIPPA my lab results are protected information and therefore I can't have access to that information unless I have permission from my doctor (who won't be available until Monday). Am I the only one this seems absolutely ridiculous to? It's my health information and HIPPA is supposed to protect my private health information, basically from me. I have to have someone else's permission to see my own health information. So, I left for work early and was running around trying to find progesterone cream to use. I am seriously considering those stupid online drug companies that are always advertising drugs without a prescription so that I can get some prometrium just to relieve my mind. So basically the last couple of days my confidence has taken a hit and I'm feeling less than optimistic at this time. I'm feeling that "what if it never happens for me" feeling again. It's starting to again feel like this is all part of the unreachable dream that I'm forever chasing. I think I liked blind optimism better. I truly felt for the first week like "of course this would work" now, I don't know what I think. I haven't been tempted by pregnancy tests yet though so that's something. I've got 4. I still don't know when I will test.

Day Trip

Well, today I decided that I just didn't feel like sitting around and thinking about am I or am I not pregnant so I decided to get out of the house for a while. I finally made it up to King's Canyon which was a very beautiful drive. I even went through one of the caverns which was fascinating, beautiful and a bit unsettling. Something about being 800 feet underground and having the thought "what happens if there's an earthquake" oh and the guide mentioning cave spiders. Oh goody and I was wearing open toed shoes. All in all it was a pretty good trip although I ended up feeling like I over did it a bit. At one place I hiked up 300 yards to a panoramic view point and at an elevation of 7500 feet, it felt a little difficult to get enough air. I know I wasn't up there that high but still. Then going to the cavern, they said the hike to the entrance was a very short, steep hike. Boy they weren't kidding. I think it kicked my BP up again and it didn't come back down very well. So by the time I headed home, I was feeling pretty yucky as I had a headache, and was very hungry. I had planned to stop at a restaurant in the park to eat but they were closed until 5pm and I was so hungry as I hadn't eaten anything but a bag of chips in 8 hours. I came home and laid down for a while though and felt better.
So I've tried posting pics twice now and my internet keeps kicking me off which then necessitates restarting my computer which is a pain in the ass. One more reason I seriously dislike my internet access through my cell phone company. So, since I've been trying to get this post up since yesterday evening, I will skip the pics for now which is too bad as I got some really cool ones.
I should also clarify something from my last post. I'm not actually taking a progesterone supplement. Not yet anyways. I just know that my progesterone level 7dpo before was 9.9 and thanks to the clomid I am pretty sure I had a much better ovulation and therefore my progesterone level is higher on it's own naturally. Of course I find this out for sure tomorrow. But I do have symptoms of having a higher progesterone such as sore nipples. Other than that, the only other thing I have is frequent trips to the potty and some random queasiness which could be related to nerves more than anything. The other thing I have is freaking me out a bit. My blood pressure hasn't been under very good control. I have been taking a med since last September that is pregnancy friendly and while it has never controlled my BP as well as my previous med which wasn't pregnancy friendly did, it's been ok. Ever since last week (possibly longer as I hadn't checked my BP since I started taking the Clomid) my BP has been running a little bit higher even with my medication. Enough that I am a bit worried and not sure what to think. I plan on talking to my doctors nurse about it tomorrow when I call to see what my progesterone level was. Hopefully we can have some good input. And I'm hoping this is something that is related to the clomid and will resolve and not me already having more of a problem with BP when I don't even know yet if I'm pregnant. So, that is where I am with symptoms etc. I am planning to try to wait until at least Sunday (10 dpo) before I test and it would be better if I waited until like Tuesday. I will see how it goes.

Progesterone Anyone?

So, this is what it feels like to have progesterone running around your body. Hmm. At least I can be fairly certain I ovulated. I haven't had my blood test yet but my boobs or more specifically my nipples are letting me know there has been a change. They are so sensitive it's not even funny. Yow. The only other time I remember feeling this is when I was taking BCP's. Too soon for it to be a sign of anything else. A little moody too. I actually told one of the jailers I was imagining pillows over the head of one of the inmates/patients I was taking care of this weekend. But he was an ass. She mumbled something about looking the other way.
I'm doing pretty good so far (yes I know it's early) with the TWW. I haven't been stressing or obsessing about it really. I am very aware of the above mentioned feeling but also know that it's too early. It was also pointed out to me by my room mate that I get up to pee a lot during the day (I guess 4 times on Saturday) but I drink a lot of water. She was nice, it's not like I made it sound there. When I got up for like the 3rd time, she looked at me asked "again?" and I said yes, then later she asked if I usually get up that many times during the day. At least once always, sometimes twice is usual for me. She then reminded me that frequent urination is a sign of pregnancy. But it's too soon. I did have a couple of moments where I've worried that the stress of work will make me not get pregnant but there are lots of pregnant nurses. Otherwise, not much going on. I'm so glad to be off work for the next couple of nights. And I'm really not thinking about the fact that I can start POAS in like 10 days.
Yeah right, like I'm going to wait that long. Haha.

Feeling Better

I feel better today which is good. Turns out part of what was making me feel "funky" was my blood pressure which was up. Probably related to the fact that last week I ran out of my medication and used my cats heart medicine until my regular stuff came on Wed. Yes I know. That's bad. But in my defense, my cat's medication is a human medication a beta blocker that is used for treating blood pressure and one that I have taken in the past. I think that with the stress of the last week though didn't help. Of course I tried looking up last night if elevated BP was related to the Clomid or the ovulation and instead stumbled across information on OHSS which scared the shit out of me. It was kind of interesting though when I put OHSS into a search engine, Mel from Stirrup Queens came up as the 7th hit. You're popular Mel. But that is because you have this great blog that always has something going on. Like her blogoversary. It's a very cool idea.
So I feel better today. The cramping is mostly gone. That is part of what had me freaked out though was that I was still having cramping yesterday and I got all freaked that there was something wrong with my ovary. I had never experienced that before although I've never taken Clomid before either. It was just really weird. Chelle, you mentioned the pain in one of your comments. Thanks, it helped to know that what I was feeling might be normal. Not much else going on. Waiting on DHL to show up to pick up dewar to send it back to NW. Gosh when you call them you don't even get to speak with a person. So they can come anytime between now and 5pm. I still feel pretty calm but then it's still early. I still have like 13 more days to lose my sanity.