Scared

At about 2:30 this afternoon I went to the bathroom and decided to try testing. There may have been a line or it may be an evaporative line. I can't tell and I'm tired of looking at the test. However there was blood. It started off as just a bit of pink, then some brown. I called the doctors office and was told that I should do pelvic rest (no sex, no tampons, no douche) and take it easy, maybe bedrest. Since then I have progressed to more red bleeding and some smaller clots. I have had some minimal cramping. Basically the equivalent of if my period was here and just starting. So far it's all light and doesn't seem to be progressing. But its still there. I'm still bleeding some and cramping some. And as much as I'm trying to tell myself that maybe it could still be ok and trying desperately not to fall apart. I'm failing. Miserably. I don't know what to think. I can't understand how I could be starting my period at least 3 days early when I'm using pr0gester0ne supplements. My clinic has had me on the crin0ne pr0gester0ne gel. I just don't really see though how this can turn out good from here. Maybe I'm wrong, I hope to hell I am. But I'm just not seeing it right now.

Nude Job Interviews

I was the only one nude, but I had panties on. And yes this is real and not a dream. No I'm not interviewing to be a stripper. I was in bed this morning around 8:30 and my phone rang. It was the hospital in SB wanting to interview me. I didn't really have time to say hey, let me put on some clothes so I laid there in bed answering her questions. My start date will be a week later than I had planned/hoped but I suppose that's ok. Gives me a bit more of a chance to finish things up here in Fresno and to maybe even drive down there and see if I can find an apartment without renting sight unseen. So I have a job. Yippee!!! Going back to work will be really good as I think I've reached the point where I seriously need some human interaction. Right now it's just the cats. I'm getting a bit loony with no one to talk to for days.
Apparently it is still snowing like crazy at home. Glad I missed that. J said the TV remote isn't working which will neccesitate a call to D*irect TV to see what they will do to fix it. Not looking forward to that since I'm pissed at them. When they came out to hook up the satelite TV their tech yanked all the cords for my cable internet which is why it hadn't been working since the end of July and J never mentioned it to me as he thought I had just unhooked it since I wasn't there. So I paid for 6 months of cable internet which wasn't available because the TV guy was an idiot. Anyways, I have to call them later today.
No I didn't pee on a stick this morning. I woke up later than usual and had to go really bad and totally forgot until I was like half through going. So maybe tomorrow. Or maybe this afternoon if I really hold it for a while. I know. I'm bad.
Oh and the rash from hell is back. I got about a week of relief because of the steroids I took with the ER but it started coming back over the weekend. I showed it to the physicians assistant yesterday and she said "yes, only in the areas you sweat" I said no, on my arms, legs etc and the l0trimin didn't work. She then pointed out that it must be an allergic reaction. Duh. I've been saying that for a month now and her and the doctor have been telling me no. She said it could be because of BP med but I reminded that it predates the BP med (although it's much worse since the BP med either because BP med is making it worse or because I've had more buildup of hormones in my body and the rash just got worse I don't know which). I told her I thought it was because of the hormones I was taking. She said something about how it could be the hormones and because of my weight. WTF???? I don't like this woman, can you tell? Anyways, I'm trying not to itch too much and have just been putting aveen0 lotion on. Helps some but ooh, this sucks.

Insane Urge

So after being so good the last cycle I tried and not POAS stick before I was scheduled to do so (I was scared to) and the cycle before that managing to wait until 12 dpo to POAS, I am a bit baffled by my sudden and insane urge to POAS. It started at home when I ran across some unused opks. The thought that I could pee on one and see what happens and if nothing happened well hell, it's only an OPK and who cares. Then today I went to targ*et, and bought HPT's. And now the damn things are in the bathroom, calling my name. It's been 13 days since the trigger shot. And I'm 7dp3dt. And this is freaking crazy.

Still No Job

Well, I still don't have a job or a contract or whatever. And to think I had planned to leave tomorrow. I spoke with the recruiter this morning and he said that he had conveyed that I was considering going elsewhere to one of the managers and that they were really working on getting me a contract. It is now looking like it may more likely be San*ta Bar*bara. Whatever, at this point I just don't care. I liked the idea of Sacrament0 more as it was more money and I'm a little freaked about this loan I took out to pay for the IVF stuff but at this point I just want a job.
I went to the doctor this morning and of course my BP this morning was perfectly normal. Figures. When the PA asked how I knew what my blood pressure was, I told her I had been checking it and she seemed like she didn't believe me. Hello, I'm an RN, I know how to check my BP. So I may start keeping a log of it. She wanted me to do some 24 hour BP monitor thing where I wore a cuff for 24 hours and had it frequently checked. I wasn't into this idea at this point. Finally she reluctantly agreed to let me take an extra dose of my medication a day. I really dislike being treated like I don't know or understand my body and like I don't know what I'm doing and that is how I felt today when I went to the doctor. But then maybe I'm just being overly sensitive. I know I am about everything else.

Back In Fresno

Well I made it back to Fresno. The plane didn't slide off the runway. Whew. Once that whole take off was over I was so relieved. It had started snowing again this morning and there was at least another 2 inches. Bummer was that I had to pay again to get off the plane in Sacramento instead of flying on to LA. I don't really get that. It's shorter. I was also very vocally annoyed that I had mentioned on the phone last week when I called SW airlines saying that I was going to drive from Fresno to Sacramento and the stupid *itch didn't mention that I would have to pay an additional fee each way. Oh well. I'm still home way earlier than I would have been if I had flown into LA. I'm just tired and crabby and moody. I'm with Deena here. I sure as hell better be pregnant because I have been an awful moody bitch and it better be worth it. And I'm just all over the place. I have been hopping mad several times in the last couple of days over some thing or another but yet right now I just want to sit and cry. I'm lonely and sad and don't even entirely know why. Probably a bit homesick but just lonely. Oh how I miss pr0zac. Otherwise, I'm trying to ignore those things that just might be symptoms (yeah right) and not sit and think about whether I'm pregnant or not. Oh and trying not to freak about my BP. Last Friday afternoon I had been feeling yucky all day and so I finally checked my BP and realized it was up quite a bit. So I called the doctors office and of course they never called me back. Finally got a hold of the on call doctor after 5pm and got permission to take an extra pill. But it has continued to be elevated in the evening every day since. I have an appointment in the morning with the physicians assistant that works with my doctor. They tried to tell me that the earliest they could get me in was Monday the 4th as my doctor will be out of town. I told them that wasn't acceptable and asked to see someone else. Had I not asked I don't think they would have offered. So I'm also trying not to freak out about why my BP is up again etc. In answer to everyones questions about when I test - my beta is on Monday the 4th. I will likely do an HPT on Sunday if I'm starting a new job on Monday so that I'm ok with whatever the result is on Monday.
Not much else going on. Glad to be back with my kitties. Miss Sadie already. Miss my chosen family. Like I said above. Just lonely.

Ugg!! Snow

Oh my God. I'm home. I've been without an internet connection for like 3 days now because I didn't bring my lap top (and it's on personal internet connection) and my home internet hasn't been working. For six months apparently inspite of the fact that I've been paying for it. But that's a whole other story. So I got here Saturday afternoon. In the middle of a snow storm that left record breaking amounts of snow in the Spokane area. Today was the first school district wide snow day since we had an ice storm in 1996. Officially it is 11.2 inches but I can tell you that there is more than that in my yard. Poor Sadie. Goes outside to go potty and can't find a place because she is so short and the snow is about chest high on her. Every time she tries to squat down the snow hits her girly bits and she changes her mind. I think I would too.
I brought home a whole load of stuff that I didn't need in California (all my Christmas stuff I bought after Christmas) and have unloaded that. I am only taking a few extra things back with me so my load going back is going to be much lighter.
I've had a great time being home. I spent the day yesterday with my chosen family and my friend made fried chicken for lunch with mashed potatoes and gravy. Yum. So very good. I wish I could recreate that but I've never been able to.
I'm still trying to rest, take it easy and not stress out about whether or not I'm pregnant. Trying (somewhat unsuccessfully) to not even think about it. San*ta Bar*bara never did call me for an interview last week. Figures. I am told they were interested. I'm still waiting to hear from either them or Sacramento. I go back to California tomorrow and lets hope the plane can take off ok. It's supposed to snow more tonight. Funny when I was landing on Saturday I wondered about the runway looking like packed snow and ice and my first thought was, how come the plane doesn't slide around like a car would?? Turns out they sometimes do. Last night they closed the airport because a plane slid off the runway. Fun.

TGIF

Although I guess it doesn't matter much as I haven't worked in a week. It's been nice. This morning I got up early and went and met some friends from work for breakfast. It was a kick. They were all drinking mimosas and hibiscus and of course I ordered my Spr*ite but we had a great time sitting and talking and laughing. I am really going to miss some of these people a lot. Then this afternoon I've been doing laundry and trying to get some other stuff done (yeah right, I'm checking blogs) as I'm leaving tomorrow. I did change my flight plans. I had planned to drive down to LA tonight as I was really hoping to go see Garth Brooks in concert. However I can't really afford to pay a hundred or more for a ticket and I had driving in LA plus I would have to rent a hotel etc before I fly out tomorrow morning. So I changed my plan and I'm flying out of Sacrament0 and I'll just get up really early tomorrow morning and drive there. Gives me a bit more time to pack. I'll be gone for about 4 days, maybe 5.
I'm expecting a call for a job interview this afternoon for San*ta Bar*bara and was also told by my recruiter that the hospital in Sacrement0 is interested in me. So I'm a bit torn by where I want to go. I would love to be on the coast. I want to be on the coast so bad. But it is really expensive to live on the coast and it would be way cheaper to live in Sacrament0. Which means more money to go into paying off the IVF stuff. Plus it's just a little bit closer to home, less distance to go when I do head for home. I know that is a small thing but it's still in my head. I guess I will have to base it on what kind of money they offer me etc.
Not much else is going on. I still believe that pr0gester0ne is evil stuff. My boobs hurt like hell and they have since about 2 days before the ER. Add in a little bit blah feeling and I'm saying pr0gester0ne sucks. I don't know if I'll be online much at home or not. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

More Details and Thoughts For the Day

Well, I guess my thoughts for the day or whatever are sort of at the forefront of my mind. I'm feeling really blue over all the loss that has occurred lately. It sucks. I know that know one ever said life would be fair and that everyone runs the risk of miscarriage but it seems like it is happening so much lately at least within my usual blog circle. I'm having a hard time integrating that sadness for what others are going through with my own happiness and excitement and find myself just being scared. I spent the day on my bed yesterday except for getting up to go to the bathroom or to pop my pizza in the oven. I spent part of that time laying on my side and some of the time with my shoulders propped up a bit and found myself thinking "what if I'm killing my embies by doing it this way?" I had previously decided that I wouldn't stress about my one caffeienated beverage a day, then after the oh so lovely (and vague) news that caffeine causes miscarriage, I find myself questioning that. Thinking maybe I should quit. Ok but now I don't have time to wean myself off and so I'm planning on pretty much going cold turkey and totally dreading the headaches that will come. I ate too much pizza last night and worried I had done something wrong. Will that hot dog I had the other day ruin my chances. Logically I know that miscarriage isn't the fault of the woman, I would never (almost never - druggies maybe but then we know that they don't seem to lose their babies so I guess I would never) even think that something some woman did caused her to lose her baby. So why do I question my every move. It's that whole guilt thing that we women are so freaking good at. I feel sometimes like with all the loss that others have endured, do I even deserve to be pregnant. Again, I know illogical but difficult to shut off. So in my effort to pray etc I find myself asking for calmness and peace to know that it will either happen or it won't. At this point it's out of my hands more or less and stressing about it does not help. I am off work until at least the 4th of Feb as my contract ended last week. I am going to take it easy as much as I possibly can. I still sort of have to pack up my stuff but I'm not going to haul it all down the stairs. I'm thinking of offering the work to the local panhandler. I have no idea yet where I'm going and yes that is starting to worry me some also. But for now I will just enjoy the extra time off and relax.
So now details about the transfer. I had sort of expected what was to come after reading about Cali's transfer on her blog a few weeks back. I was worried about the whole full bladder thing. I got to the hospital and they handed me 2 bottles of water and told me to drink them and wait. I already had to pee but waited and drank my water. So after about half an hour the nurse came out to get me and seemed surprised that I had finished drinking my water. I told her I already had to pee and she said since I had a while to wait yet, I could go ahead and go. Then after getting my vitals etc and telling me to change, she gave me 2 more bottles to drink. Which I also downed. I was scheduled to go back at 10:30 and by that time my bladder was nice and full. I had to go but could wait a bit. At 10:40 the doctor (new doctor) came back and told me that they were running a bit behind and that it would be another 10-15 minutes. He asked if my bladder was full. Umm, yes. Very. He told me that he didn't want me crying and that if I needed to I could go to the bathroom and empty out a little. I asked what if I emptied out too much and he said well, we'll just have to make do without your bladder full. Well that left me feeling like I shouldn't go since I want to give myself the best possible chance. Oh how I wish I had gotten up to go at least a little bit. By the time they came to get me 20 minutes later I was practically crying. I was so uncomfortable. Of course the nurse at this point wasn't going to let me go. I was so worried they would put pressure on my bladder and I would start to pee. So after some pressure on my bladder (how I held it I will never know) and a bunch of manipulation with the speculum etc. The transfer was done and they told me they were going to do an in and out (temporary) catheter. By this time I was starting to get very severe flank pain on my right side (around the kidney region) and even though I never could have imagined that I would be that happy about being catheterized. I was thrilled, I told them to leave it there until I was ready to get up. No damn bedpans for this girl. I had already been violated, might as well be comfortable. Whatever they did with the catheter though it must have just drained off a bit and then slipped out of place because about halfway through my laying with my head down and feet up I started to feel like I needed to pee again. Also while they were trying to do the catheter they kept doing something to my hip by bending my leg where it felt like my hip was about to pop out of joint. They didn't seem much concerned about that. When they went to move me to the gurney I was told to scoot without lifting my butt or shoulders (how the hell do I do that) and not to move my legs at all, they would do it. I got yelled at several times for moving my legs myself. That of course made me feel guilty too. Once I was on the gurney I laid there for over an hour before I was able to get up and get dressed, then I wasn't allowed to walk to the bathroom, I had to be wheeled there in the wheel chair. Then I was released to home. I had my friend who was driving me stop and get us something to eat as I was starving. Once I got home I had to walk up my stairs (ooh, am I hurting anything). Then just laying around and watching TV. I made it through 3 of the 5 Harry Potter movies last night. Today I was supposed to lay down until like 11 or 12 but I just couldn't handle eating laying down again and so I've been sitting up but just taking it easy. Just trying to relax and find some calm. This weekend I'm flying home for a couple of days to take some stuff home that I don't need and to pick up some of my tax paperwork that I do need.
Just spoke with my recruiter he still seems to think that Santa Barb*ara is a possibility (even though they were supposed to call me last week for an interview and never did) and also mentioned having something in Sacramento that he hadn't submitted me for yet. I told him that Sacramento was fine. So maybe within the next couple of days I'll have a job again.

ET done

So I'm home and the ET is done. It went fine and I will post more about that later. Difficult to type while lying down here. I'm supposed to keep my butt and shoulders flat they said and only get up to go to the bathroom. That seems a bit unrealistic but I will do my best. They transfered 3 embryos this morning. One was an 8 cell and the other 2 were 6 cell. I was told that the other 2 were lagging behind with only 3 cells each so I am guessing those will end up being discarded. Otherwise I'm fine and I will update more tomorrow.

Finally The Call Comes

Ok I feel better now. The RE's office finally called and my ET is scheduled for 10:30 tomorrow morning. I have to be there at 9am. I have to stop eating and drinking tonight at midnight and then when I get there they start giving me water to fill up my bladder. yay. At least I know that shouldn't take long. She was going to just give me that info and hang up but I was having none of that. I asked if we knew how my embryos were doing and was told no. It is stressful to them to check them frequently so they won't take them out and check them before tomorrow morning. Ok, works for me. I also asked about how many we were going to transfer. She said it wasn't for sure until tomorrow and we saw how everyone was doing but likely 2-3 which was what I figured. She said they don't transfer more than 2 unless you are over 35 so lucky me. She also mentioned that I should bring my progester0ne gel with me to the appointment and they would do it then. They had told me to do it in the morning so I have been getting up at about 5 am, inserting gel goo and going back to bed. They don't want me doing it before the appointment so I'm to bring it with me. I asked if since there will be such a time difference if I should go ahead and take one of my pr0metrium tabs orally (ick) before coming in. She thought that was a good question and said she would check and get back to me. Otherwise she said any questions I had I could ask the doctor tomorrow. I will be seeing a different doctor tomorrow who will do the transfer. So I feel better and a bit more informed. Now I'm going to go get my pizza for tomorrow night and some movies and I'll be all set. Whew.
Thanks everyone for the input. I am sure there are those out there who just don't ask. They do what they are told and don't think to ask what was my E2 or how big were my follies. It's like when I go to the doctor and they check my BP and don't tell me what it was. Hello, I want to know these things.

No News Yet

Ok so I haven't heard yet from the RE's office. I actually just called them and they said they didn't have the times yet etc. And I'm trying so hard not to be nervous. I'm trying not to think about what could go wrong. Does it ever reach a point where I get to stay happy and optimistic?? Probably not. Last night I was reading the Creme de la Creme on Mel's blog and as much as I have really been enjoying it I had to stop. Any mention at all of failed IVF's was freaking me out so I stopped and went to watch a movie instead. I watched "I Pronounce you Chuck and Larry". Ok but not really fantastic. I also tried watching "Lady in the Water" and that just about put me to sleep. I need to start packing up my apartment to get it ready to go. I just wish I knew where I was going.
So I don't know yet what is going to happen. I would guess that the transfer is a 3 day transfer? It's a bit over 3 days unless you figure Sunday to Monday is one day, Mon to Tues is two days and Tues to Wed is three days? Is that how it works?? I also don't know how many we are going to transfer. The office has never talked about it which bugs me a bit. There is a lot they don't talk about. I've always had to ask how many follies I have, peak at the sizes, ask what my lab results were etc. I don't know if they just do that regularly and most people don't care or what. I hear so many people say what they had as far as follies etc and did you all have to push for that info?? I have figured up to this point anyways that how many embryos we transferred would be dependent on how the embryos were doing. I would guess 2 to 3 but that is my guess. I just want this to work. I don't want to have to reduce but also want to give myself the best chance. So I feel like I'm totally in the dark. I hate that. I will update as soon as I know something.

Embryo Report

Well the doctor called just a little bit ago with my report. I had 7 eggs removed and of those 5 fertilized. So as of right now I have 5 embryos. Yippee!!!!!!!! My embryo transfer is going to be on Wednesday although I'm not positive of what time yet. I think I've got another friend from work who can drive me on that day so it should be fine.
Also Saturday night I started to suspect that I had a bit of a yeast infection (translate that to raging yeast infection) from my previous antibiotics. Now I'm on more antibiotics so I asked for a prescription of Diflu*can. That wasn't a problem so I will go pick that up today. Now we'll see how the embryos look tomorrow and get a time for the actual transfer. Oh and then to answer others questions, my beta isn't until the 4th. They schedule it for 2 weeks after ER. So I get the whole TWW unless I start POAS earlier. Goody.

I'm Home

ER is done, I'm at home and for the most part I feel fine. From what I was told by the nurses it looks like they got 7 eggs. Works for me, now I just need them to fertilize. Anesthesia is so strange. One minute I'm talking and the next they are waking me up. Of course first thing I'm asking for ice and they said when you wake up. Hello, I'm awake. It all seemed to go fine. I have a bit of cramping, mostly if I move a certain way such as bending at the abdomen. I had gotten a bit of IV pain medicine at the hospital and had asked for Tylen0l before it started to get bad and they didn't have an order for that. My friend who was driving me had a vic0din in the car so she gave me that. I'm sure I will be fine without anything else and by Tues or Wed the drugs will be out of my system. We stopped for breakfast on the way home thank goodness as I was starving. Not much else going on. I'm going to lay around and watch TV and read today.
B&K, my heart goes out to you right now with all you are going through. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something else to say or do. And K thank you for thinking of me last night and checking on me. Hugs.

Final Instructions

That's what it says on the top of the list of things the RE's office gave me yesterday. The usual, no sex, no douce, no hot tub. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. Yada yada yada. Trigger was done last night as ordered. I got a co worker to give me the shot. I'm a bit less stressed than I was yesterday. I'm just trying to let it be. I'm here. I won't think now about how will I deal with it if it doesn't work. What will the next step be. I can't. I'm already feeling guilty about spending this much money. I will try not to make it worse by second guessing myself. Right now I am exhausted and about ready to go to bed. I've been up over 24 hours as I never did get time for a nap yesterday afternoon. I will sleep part of today and then this evening my friend from work will pick me up and I will go stay the night at her house. She lives close to the hospital and neither of us will have to get up as early. Then I just have to figure out the ride situation later this week for the transfer. Also I'm curious. They say to do the bedrest thing and elevate my feet as much as possible after transfer. I plan to. I'm moving my bed out to the living room where I can watch TV etc. I assume it's ok to get up to potty. But I live alone. Is it ok to get up say long enough to pop a pizza in the oven? I can try to have things prepared ahead but it will still require some time off my bed. Is this ok?? Oh and has anyone made it through ER with only tylen0l to deal with the after effects?? Will this be enough? That part scares me a bit. I don't honestly know when I will be able to post again. I will try to post something tomorrow afternoon or evening to let everyone know I'm all right if I feel like I can. Thanks for all the well wishes and support. I don't know where I would be without it.

Overwhelmed

So does everyone get cold feet on what is pretty damn close to the eve of their egg retrieval?? Cause I'm definitely feeling a bit freaked out right now. I don't know if it was the paper in writing explaining that they are going into my vagina with needles to remove eggs or if it was the act of handing over a check for over $3500 just for the procedure part of the process but I am seriously scared. Now all the "oh my God this isn't going to work and I'm spending 10K" is hitting me. Up until this point I've been able to think pretty positive that this will work or to just not think about it at all, now I can't quite thinking about it. And the logistics. I have left a message for the person from work who offered to give me a ride home. I'm hoping she will actually be able to give me a ride there also. I would hate to drive my car out there and have to leave it not knowing how to get back out to get it. Also this person works Mon, Tues, Wed and transfer should happen Tuesday or Wednesday from what they told me in the office so I have to find someone else to give me a ride home then. I'm sure it will all work out but wow, this is way more scary than it seemed a month and a half ago when I decided to do this.
So in my stress, I forgot to ask anything about the follies, my E2 etc. I have no idea what's going on in there really other than they are pretty much done. I did give myself one last injection of Men0pur this morning. Then I went to the hospital to pre-register and pay. Gee, my debit card has a daily limit of 3K so of course I didn't have enough money to pay so I had to go find a branch of my bank and get a cashiers check. Can you say pain in my ass. Also I'm supposed to work Saturday night but am supposed to be out at the hospital by 7am on Sunday (wouldn't get off work until 7:30) so I told the supervisor that and she took me off the schedule. Not really what I wanted. Still waiting to hear on jobs. I had someone call me this AM about receiving my resume and wanting to make sure I was aware the position was 8 hour shifts. Someone was supposed to call me back for an interview and may have since I missed a call. I guess they will call back again. Trying not to stress about work. That one is sort of working.
Otherwise, just hanging in here. I have been very teary and just feeling sad. I know it's the hormones and the lack of pr0zac in my system but it still sort of suck. Now I just have to get through tonight on no sleep. I've been up since 6am this morning since I had to go have labs done. Oh and what the hell with having my E2 drawn this morning and then having to go have more pre-op labs this afternoon. Boo.

So Many Thoughts

Again I seem to have so many things running through my head that I just don't know what to think about, what to do or how to stop them. So maybe I'll write about them and that will help release them a bit.
Back in December I had sent my little sister a Christmas letter and then added an additional personal note. In the personal note I had mentioned that I had realized after talking to her that I hadn't asked about what name she had chosen for her baby and some other things. I apologized and explained that while I was very happy for her, I was a bit sad for me and wished that I could be pregnant at the same time as her. I also explained that I was moving on to IVF. I have never heard back from her. Now this is not necessarily unusual. I don't hear from her frequently but it still sort of feels bad. I have tried texting her several times lately with no response. It bothers me sometimes that I really don't seem to have much in the line of family and it bothers me even more when I make efforts to maintain a relationship with my sister that are somewhat ignored. For years I have made excuses for her that she is young, wrapped up in her life as a young adult, busy etc. But I think part of what it comes down to is that while I'm sure she "loves" her sister, I'm pretty low down on the list of priorities. I tried to look up her registry at Tar*get the other day and couldn't find it. While she may not have registered yet, she had said she was going to. And maybe I can't find it because I don't know what name she is using. See she was adopted. And there was a connection in that my aunt went to the same church congregation as her birth mom's family did. But her birth family didn't want her going somewhere that others would know where she was. So my mom, my aunt, one of my cousins and another woman in that congregation all lied about it. They pretended that my mom only knew the other woman through a mutual acquaintance and nothing was said about being related to my aunt. Confusing I know. They kept this up for years, trying to keep it hidden until the other unrelated person decided after 13 years that she felt guilty about lying about it and spilled her guts. Which led to my sis having contact with her biological family. Back when sis was born, her birth mom had picked a name that she wanted sis to keep. My mom didn't like the name at all but agreed that she would leave it on the birth certificate, then proceeded to change it, leaving only a middle name in there. My mom will totally deny this now, says she told the lawyers to leave the name on and they didn't. So somewhere along the time of when my mom shut me out of my sisters and her life and now my sister started going by her original birth name. However she has never come right out and said to me I go by ______ now. So I've never used it. Yes to some extent this is a respect for her issue but it's hard to call her by something other than what I've always known her by. Anyways, I don't know for sure what name she is going by now and I'm not even sure if my letters reached her. I'm feeling bad about this which is stupid but I want to feel like I have a sister and I really don't feel like that right now. I've seen her once in the last 9 years and she calls me maybe once or twice a year. This makes me feel really bad and I'm not totally sure why. Heck the rest of my family pretends I don't exist so what difference does it make if one more person disappears from my "family".
Yesterday while I was at the lab I saw a doctor that I see occasionally at work come in with familiar paperwork for lab stuff. I said hello to her and even though she didn't recognize me, she was flattered that I remembered her and sat and talked to me for a bit while I was waiting to be called back. It felt a little funny knowing why she was there (the familiar paperwork) and not saying anything but I try to remind myself that not everyone is as open about this whole crazy journey as I am. I don't know if she ever figured out that I was there for the same thing but I think she did. This is something to me that is interesting or whatever. I have no problem whatsoever talking to others about this crazy journey. I do realize that some are not as comfortable with discussing this and that's ok. I respect that. But I will talk about it. And I have ended up meeting some amazing people in the process. I like to think that maybe in some small way I have helped someone also whether it be from sharing knowledge or just providing support.
I talked to my recruiter today again and told him again that I am seriously ready to move on. Not sure what I'm moving on to but I'm ready. I think this means that I need to get a trailer hitch put on my car as I will need a trailer to get myself out of Fresno. Yikes. I worry about doing that to my car but then I had a small 4 cylinder truck years ago and did it to my truck and my truck did just fine.
My rash is back. Shit. I am convinced that it has something to do with all the hormones. It started coming back about 4 days ago and has been getting progressively worse. Oh and I've reached that point in my cycle that having a full bladder is seriously uncomfortable. And I'm running out of places to give myself shots that I can reach.
I can also definitely feel that my antidepressant has long ago left my system. I'm teary and weepy (yes I know the hormones are not helping this) and I probably spend way to much time dwelling on the stuff that bothers me.

More From The Land of Dildo Cam

Well this mornings scan went ok. My E2 was 552. I'm still moving right along with my 5 follies. I have 2-3 more that are in there and I was told they will try to get an egg from them but that it might not be mature or may not fertilize. All of the main 5 are measuring 14-16mm. Another little change in the medications. A little less of the Foll*istim and a bit more of the Meno*pur. Add in some Cetro*tide. Next lab work and scan are on Friday. Good news though is that there is no way ER will happen before Sunday though so all is good for work. At least I will be leaving on a good note. Granted by then I may not feel much like working. Today I've got another yucky headache and the nurse suggested that sometimes the headaches are related to dehydration. Suggested increase water (crap I already drink like 2 liters a night) or maybe even Gator*ade. I got some of that this morning and it seems to be helping some. Embarrassing moment this morning too. I stopped for breakfast before going out to the clinic which wasn't a good idea. I didn't think about my IBS and how breakfast usually affects me. So sure enough, I get out there and my stomach is doing it's rumbly grumbly thing. I was so nervous I was going to have a gassy moment. I know, the stupid things we worry about.
Work sucked last night although it did have a couple of amusing moments. I am reminded that nursing is never boring. I have a patient who is a bit forgetful and tends to remove all clothing while urinating all over his room. So I came out of the break room this morning after my very late lunch break. And here is my forgetful patient walking down the hall, heading to the next unit, in nothing but a blanket. Oh my. I managed to get him to come back and get clothes. Then we had a can of tube feed that usually goes through a tube in the stomach sitting on one of the med carts. Apparently he found that as he was drinking it a bit later. I doubt it tasted very good. Poor guy. Otherwise it was just really very busy. And it has reached a point where I feel like a traveler. Before I never felt this way as there were more travelers on my unit than staff. Now, there is a lot more staff and I'm sort of back to getting the not so great assignment so the new and untrained staff can do what I've been doing for the last few months. I suppose it's appropriate but it doesn't really feel very good. Definitely time to move on here.

Wow, And I thought the first shots hurt

Ok so I did my men*opur last night. Hurt way worse than the foll*istim. Or at least worse than I remember the foll*istim (haha it's been 5 whole days) hurting now that I've gotten used to the whole warm it a bit first part. So I had tried to find someone to switch days with me for Fri/Sat since I'm worried about ER getting bumped forward and me having to miss work again. Never could find anyone so I started waffling back and forth about whether I would let the unit manager know in advance there might be a conflict. Either way it looks bad. They expect their travelers to be there, be focused and not to have personal lives that interfere with work. While a part of me understands this, I also believe that this is reality, we can't plan for everything and things happen. I had no control over being sick. So I told her this morning about the potential conflict. Her response? "Can't you just tell them no you can't do it that day?" Umm, no. So needless to say they were not happy when I told them this.
Ok, last thought before I go off to bed. I just spoke with recruiter. Apparently Fresno is saying they are on a hiring freeze (unlikely but I suppose it's possible) for the time being. I told him that I wanted something in writing (something concrete) by Friday or I wanted to go somewhere else. He brought up the dream travel position that was discussed back in April when I started this whole crazy journey (north of SF) and asked what I thought. I told him that of course I still wanted to go there. He asked if I was interested in NICU. I said I would be willing to do it but I only had 10 months and up to a level 2 NICU experience. Yikes.

The Dildo Cam is Not My Friend

I guess it's not my enemy either but I can't say I really enjoy that part. Today got downright uncomfortable a couple of times. The results weren't quite what I was hoping for either. I had 5 follies. 3 on the right and 2 maybe a 3rd on the left. All around the 12-13mm range. I can't say I'm overly excited by this. My E2 was like 302. So two more days of stims. My foll*istim has been increased and we are also adding meno*pur to the mix so we'll see. Next lab day and date with dildo cam is on Wednesday. Also they said that I might make it to Sunday for ER but if not, they gave me a note for work saying "sorry but she must be here for this day."
Oh and I almost forgot. When I went to my first appointment at this office I met another woman in the lobby who started talking to me and made really uncomfortable by wanting to discuss her sex life etc. She was there again today and remembered me. Started talking to me again. Yikes.

Let The Hormones Flow

Ok, so definitely feeling the effects here of the lovely hormones I'm dumping into my body on a daily basis. I'm a bit teary to say the least (in other words I seem to cry at the drop of a hat). I'm also not the most productive but I'll blame that on being sick. I do feel better than I did but still not great. I've started coughing some stuff up which is good basically because my chest no longer feels so tight. My head only hurts when I cough which is pretty good too. So a lot better than I was last week. Now I wish it would just finish up and be gone. Yeah, I think this will be one of the ones that linger for a while.
I'm excited and nervous about my scan tomorrow. It's not until 3 in the afternoon and they are usually running late so I won't be able to post very early but I should be able to post before I go to work. I'm trying to stay positive and not think of all that can go wrong. I have had the random "what if the sperm are all dead or they can't find my sample" thought and I've tried to ignore it or push it out of my head. I try not to be upset about the fact that the whole cycle started of a bit poorly with me having strep and having to be on antibiotics and various other OTC's just to make it through the day. I'm trying to be positive and have faith (a trial in good times for me as I've talked about before). I'm trying not to think of how I will deal with this if it doesn't work. I'm trying to not even go to the what if it doesn't work place.
So I talked to my recruiter (I guess that's his official title, he's the guy who finds me a position) and I still do not have anything concrete for my job. This is totally pissing me off. I'm so tired of them dicking me around. Also I asked about my bonus for working the holidays. It was less than what I had originally been told. This kind of makes me mad too. It's not a huge difference but it's a difference and this bothers me. It's enough of a difference that if I had known about it I would have went home for at least one holiday. I don't know if it's because he told me the wrong amount with an honest mistake back in the fall or if I was misled to get me to do what they wanted. I really do like my recruiter and don't really want to think that he would deliberately mislead me like that. So I will believe that he made a mistake and use this a learning experience. Always get it in writing.

Even Better

Well at least I know motorcycle riders are crazy almost everywhere.
I'm feeling better. When I first got up last night I freaked out because I felt horrible and I couldn't figure out how I would make it through work. Thank goodness by about 8:30 I was feeling much better. My chest still feels tight (how the hell does strep make your chest feel tight and congested?) but my headache went away for a while. Then it came back again. I am now mostly certain it's the injectibles. Yippee. At least though there is an end in sight. I doubt it's the lack of Pro*zac as I haven't taken in in like at least 3 weeks. Also the advil seems to be helping. When I was in my early 20's I used to get migraines quite a bit but somehow I seem to have grown out of them or something as I only get them maybe once a year now.
So I worked last night and made up my night I called in sick. And I'm still trying to find someone who will trade days with me next week. I don't even know if I will need to but I'm anxious about the timing (and almost everything else). I was told that tentative ER date would be the 20th. They have me scheduled to work the nights of the 18th and 19th. Which is fine if ER actually happens on the 20th. However if it gets bumped up to earlier then I could have a problem. I really don't want to call in sick again but I may not have an option. My next scan/E2 level is on Monday and hopefully I will have a bit better of an idea of what is going to happen next week. Then I guess I try to talk to the unit manager and see what happens. What worries me is that with me being a traveller who is expected to be there to work my days and who is not her employee and basically not her worry is she won't work with me. I'll hope for the best though.
Not really feeling much of anything other than the headaches. Maybe a bit moody again. And lucky me I'm now off work for 2 nights. I have a ton of laundry that will likely mean a trip to the laundromat as it will take forever to do it here. I desperately need to either clean my house or make the decision to have someone come do it for me and then find that person. I know I should just do it. Oh and I still have no idea what my plans are etc for work. As far as I know I still do not have a contract. And I'm really not understanding why this is so freaking difficult. Either yes you are renewing me or no your not. Of course if I have to call in sick again next week it's probably no their not.

Morning Vent and Other Thoughts

To the asshole who just about scared the piss out of me (literally) who came flying up between two lanes of cars who were coming to a stop on the freeway while you were still doing about 75 on your pretty little (loud) crotch rocket: Can I have your names so I will know it's you who I'm cleaning up when you manage to wreck the crotch rocket and break most every bone in your body and land on the ortho floor I work on?
To those of you out in blog land: Is California the only place these idiots actually do this??? I've never seen it at home.
In other news I am feeling better. After a few hours at work last night where I was fairly certain my head would explode, I took more Advil and it finally seems as if I am headache free. Yes, the hormones probably aren't helping anything at this point however the headache predated the shots by about 3 days since it started on Saturday. I am now for the first time since last Saturday headache free. I have though developed a sore throat. Whatever. Still having some shortness of breath but it is mostly feeling muscular now. It feels like my muscles in my back and chest are so tight they won't expand. This I have had before and it does eventually go away. It is better right now too. Especially now that I can cough without fear of my head exploding. I had wondered about my BP but when I went to urgent care the other day they checked it and didn't say anything about it. Of course I was sick enough that I forgot to ask (unusual for me) but I am assuming (yes I know about the ass part of that) that if it had been unreasonably high they would have told me. So now I'm going to give myself a shot (not nearly as much fun as having a shot) and take some pills and go to bed. Nitey nite.

A Little Better, Maybe

So I am feeling a little better. I had called Urgent Care back this morning and their only response was that I could come back in if I wanted to. And I really didn't want to for a $50 co-pay. So I went to bed instead. However earlier this morning I took one of my pee pee pills that I really am not supposed to be taking. The ones that make me pee and pee and pee. Which helped relieve the shortness of breath. Which tells me I've got too much fluid. Now the new BP med I started said it can cause fluid retention and the folli*stim can also. I am guessing the 2 together have just sort of been a bit harder on me. Probably also with being sick too. So I guess I'll just watch and see. As for the headache? Still here and seriously annoying me.

I'm Not Feeling Better

Dammit. I actually feel worse. My headache will not go away for anything regardless of what I take although all I have to take is advil and tylenol. And now I'm feeling really short of breath. Like getting up and walking to the bathroom and back leaves me winded. I guess I will be calling the urgent care back today. This seriously sucks. I slept off and on from about 3 yesterday afternoon until about 5 this morning. I spent part of that time in my chair again because I got chilled again and couldn't get warm. Now I'm hot and can't cool off. I seriously hate being sick and am really not very good at it. And the last month has sucked for me being sick.
Thanks Bleu for the suggestion to let the folli*stim warm up some, that helped and it didn't sting as bad. And no, I'm not taking Lu*pron. I'm doing the Cetro*tide protocol.

Owwww ***Updated***

The Foll*istim burns. Yes, I will survive but owww!! And it's really not that easy to give it to myself. They told me I have to give it to myself in the back of my arm and to pinch up the area and you know what, that's not really very easy to do when you are giving it to yourself. I don't quite understand why I'm using my arm as opposed to my tummy and of course wanting to be cooperative, I didn't ask. Maybe I'll call back today and ask.
I also have a bit of a thing running through my head. Several of you sort of went quiet when you were doing your IVF and while I'm not positive of your reasons I'm trying not to be superstitious and want to do the same thing. Mostly because I don't really think I can. I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut. I need to tell someone. And it would be easier to tell all of you because at least you all know to some extent what is going on. So my goal is to quit talking about it at work, we'll see how that goes since there are about 10 people who regularly ask how it's going. I will blog about what is going on here though. And dear God please let this work. I'm still working on thinking positive and not allowing the thought of it not working to enter my head but it does occasionally enter my head.
Now I have something else that I am requesting assvice about. I still feel like crap. I feel a bit better sometimes and just as bad other times. I'm still getting the chills pretty regularly and when I do, I don't have a temp. As a matter of fact, my temp is a bit low. It goes up when I bundle myself up in as much clothing as possible and do finally warm up. So I don't know if that would actually be considered a fever although like I said I've went as high as 102. I told the clinic yesterday and they didn't seem that worried. Part of me feels like I should go to the doctor though and the thought of the doctor scares me. First off I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm afraid my cycle would get canceled as my timing is pretty good right now with getting time off etc. I do know that if I'm not in the best of health I'm not giving myself the best chance and that I should be ok to put it on hold but I also know I would still be so incredibly disappointed. Second off I know that if I am sick and contagious I probably shouldn't be going to work but it's so close to the end of my contract that they would probably just cancel the rest of the contract and I don't know what that would do to me getting another contract in February at this hospital. Not really the end of the world but if my IVF got put on hold too it would really throw a wrench in that whole process. Maybe not make it impossible but make it a lot more difficult. Third reason I'm reluctant to go to the doctor is because I know that if I go in there complaining of intermittent fevers, headache that will not go away and back and neck pain I know what they're probably going to want to do. That will most likely buy me a lumbar puncture (they will be thinking meningitis) which really disturbs me even though I'm not usually afraid of needles. My theory here which may be wrong is that even if it was meningitis I haven't gotten seriously sick yet so it's likely it's just viral which there is no treatment for. The other possibility here is that it could just be a really bad fibromyalgia flare which usually give me a bit more notice and don't include fevers and headaches that refuse to go away no matter what I take but otherwise the symptoms are much the same. The chronic all over pain. And I'm not taking my prozac which usually helps prevent the flares. So assvice time. Should I go to urgent care? If I go I will likely have to leave soon as you can wait there a long time and I have to work tonight.
Ok so I called the RE's office this morning and asked about the upper arm shot and was told that it was absorbed better from that site. Ok never heard of that. I was told that it didn't matter if I went in at an angle. So I will continue in the upper arm.
Then I went to Urgent Care. I just couldn't get over how shitty I felt and I had a fever again. I had real bad chills again this morning. So I went, explained it all and the poor doc looked fairly baffled by my lack of symptoms other than pain and fever. I didn't end up getting the old needle in the back (thank goodness). She ordered several misc cultures like a throat, nasal and urine culture. Guess what I have strep throat. I have no sore throat but I have strep. She said she has seen this before and got me a script for antibiotics. I had to call off work tonight though which makes me feel really bad but I have a doctors note. I also offered to come in and work Friday or Saturday if they wanted me to in order to make it up. I asked doc at urgent care about the antibiotics and IVF and she didn't think there would be a problem. I talked to the RE's office just now and they said it should be fine and not to worry about it. Thank God. Now I may just go to sleep as I feel like hell.

Scan Done

And everything looks great. I start my stims tomorrow. Yippee!!!!! Now if I could just feel better. I was miserable and achy almost all night at work last night until about 5 am at which point I got a fever again and then I felt better. Now I'm getting achy again and the chills. I wish I knew what the hell this was. My next scan will be on the 14th. I have a million things to do and no energy to do any of them. I can't wait for a couple of days off in a row. I hate this stupid one night off thing because I don't have time to do anything. Oh, and it seems as though the capital one thing is still screwed up. The RE's office said they sent the check back because it was for the wrong amount and that maybe I should call them. I admit that I don't have the energy to deal with that right now either so I will instead go to bed and hope I feel better tomorrow.

I Feel Yucky

Oh how I hate being sick. And I've been doing quite a bit of it this last month. Damn. Saturday night at work I had a headache and then by the time I was getting done with work on Sunday morning my back and neck hurt so bad. I was also having really bad chills. I stopped to get some groceries on my way home from work but I couldn't walk around the store much as I felt so awful so I grabbed a couple of things and left. I was freezing when I got home so I bundled up and went to bed. Woke up several hours later and was roasting to death and uncovered etc. Then woke up at 5:30 freezing again. I bundled up again and went back to sleep in my chair. When I woke up a couple hours later I was hot again. Finally decided to get out one of the old BBT thermometers and figured out I had a temp of 102.1. Some advil and a couple more hours and I was finally back down to 99. Other than the temp and and generalized pain, no real symptoms to speak of. Except frequent trips to the bathroom but I have irritable bowel so who knows which it is. I was worried this was a side effect of the BP med but after calling the Dr and the pharmacist and having them both say this was unlikely I guess I have to figure it is in fact something viral. Shitty part is that I have to work tonight. Yay. But I have tomorrow night off. Tomorrow is my scan which I'm excited about. I should be starting my meds tomorrow or Wednesday. Here we go all aboard the fertilicoaster once again. This may be one hell of a ride.
B&K I am so very happy and excited for you. You deserve this so much. I know this has been a long and crappy ride.
Meghan I hope that your beta also continues to rise at a very nice rate.

Gotta Love the UPS Man

Who brings money at least. Of course that is pretty much where my love of UPS ends. Luckily I was awake and home. The UPS man pulled up next to my building and I saw that and thought "wonder if that's for me?". I heard him come up the stairs, knock on my door and drop something. By the time I had gotten up and walked to the door which is about 5 feet away he was most of the way back down the stairs. And there are 2 parcels on my porch. One is a couple pairs of scrub pants I ordered. The other is an envelope. Containing a check for a very large amount of money for my IVF. That the stupid UPS guy was going to just leave on my porch. That's nice. What if I hadn't been home? Oh well I have my money and that's what counts. On Tuesday is my scan and I believe on Wednesday I start my meds. In the meantime I'm trying to give my body a bit of a break. I have had a bit of spotting and am just waiting. I will cautiously say that the rash from hell seems like it might be getting a bit better. Not much else is going on in my world. Back to work tonight for another 2 nights which kind of sucks. Oh well. Part of it is my mood. And the fact that I'm hormonal and not taking my antidepressants. I've been more moody and negative lately than usual. At least I can see it for what it is. Not that I can do anything about it but I can see it.
Now before I go get ready for work I would like to say to Cali how very sorry I am. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Update

Well I went to the doctor this afternoon. My BP was 108/70 which is the lowest it's ever been so I think I may like this medication. I also showed her my rash. She didn't seem to think it was an allergic reaction however then turned around and told me to stop taking everything except my BP med for the next 2 weeks. Yeah whatever. I start my IVF meds next week and we'll just hope this is better by then. Dr seemed to think that maybe this was some sort of auto immune response to something. Who knows. She gave me a steroid cream and some Ata*rax which is an antihistamine stronger than ben*adryl. I had so far tried Aveeno shower gel, skin lotion for dryness and itching, Aveeno overnight itch relief cream, hydro cortisone cream, gold bond cream and just lotion. None had helped much. Hopefully this stuff they gave me will help in a day or two. As far as the benadryl making you sleepy? Yeah I wish. I'm one of those odd people who have the exact opposite reaction to most of those medications that usually make you sleepy. They totally wire me, including various sleeping medications. Sucks big time. Hopefully this one doesn't keep me awake too much tonight.
I also went to the phone store and exchanged my phone for a different one. I got one that is very similar but doesn't have the touch screen which is great. I like it much better already. Not much else going on here. I'm tired but then I only slept like 4 hours today and I know I woke up twice during that time to go pee. One thing about the new BP med is that it dries my mouth out really bad so I drink lots of water which then makes me pee a lot.
Oh I also think maybe I have my work stuff figured out a bit. I had asked the manager of the unit I work on if I was on her schedule and was told no which freaked me out a bit. After calling my agency this morning it looks like I am likely going to going to a new unit that is opening up soon with one of the supervisors I usually work with now. Works for me. I just want to make sure where I am going.

The Last Pill Has Been Popped

Yup, that's right everyone. I'm done with BCP's. Hopefully forever. And I am going completely freaking insane. You know how I've mentioned the itchy thing a few times lately? Well it's gotten way worse. Like at least 10 times worse. It started back in like August with a rash under my right arm and I could usually put cream on it once a day and be fine. Rash got a little better for like September I think then in October flared up again. Sometime around November it moved to under my left arm but was occasionally visible under both arms, then under my boobs. Sometime around the first of December it started on my lower legs. It itched but I usually couldn't see an actual rash. Then on my stomach, sometimes my arms. Last week when I went to the doctor I showed her the rash under my boobs and also explained that I itched on my legs etc. She looked, didn't see anything and pronounced it to be dry skin except under boobs which seemed to be fungal, apply lotrimin. At that time I started a new BP med. And the last week this itchy rash has went crazy. I itch absolutely everywhere. I now definitely have a rash on my arms, legs, abd etc. And nothing is helping it. I'm pretty sure it's an allergic reaction but I don't know what to. I'm sure the doctor today will think it's the new med but I'm not convinced. Any thoughts before I scratch my skin off??