Strange Year

Christmas is over.  New Years is just days away.  All of this in what has been the strangest year I can recall.  This year has been full of so many conflicting emotions which often left me hanging by a thread of sanity wondering how I would get through. 
My depression has been a lot worse this last year than it has been or than I have acknowledged it has been for a while. It's been a year of crazy ups and bottomless lows which often left me doubting my sanity, my thoughts, actions, and everything in between. Therapy has helped although it has also opened up some old wounds I've been determined to ignore.  Wounds that are making it clear they won't be ignored any longer. 
I have so many conflicting feelings and emotions about so many things that I've tried to muddle through the last year.  Things like desperately wanting a dog and loving my dog to pieces and yet sometimes hating having her around disrupting my life and then the decision to let her go to someone more equipped to deal with her. I know to some it may seem like a small thing.  Yet for months I made myself crazy over her, second guessing every thought, feeling and action and what others thought about my thoughts and actions regarding her. 
It's been a year of myself having a very difficult time settling down to activities and tasks and frustration that past self calming methods didn't work.  I was diagnosed with ADHD this year which is a weird thing as an adult.  Stranger is the fact that all through childhood I found ways to deal with, manage and excel inspite of this and yet as an adult it's been so fucking hard. I've always used reading as a favored way of self calming, stepping outside of myself and dealing with depression and likely the ADHD. This year that failed to work for me, leaving feeling adrift without a way to maneuver my life.  This year I have had a very difficult time focusing on books, or most books.  I haven't been able to become involved in most books or stay with plots etc long enough to get past the first few chapters, let alone finish the book. Strangely the only books that haven't fit into this and the only books I've been able to consistently read and stick with is Harry Potter.  It's crazy how many times I've read Harry Potter this year.  CRAZY!  I feel like I might be finally moving past this as I've finished 3 books this week and loved it. 
However I'm aware that I still need to work on other things like school to ensure that I will still have a career in 10 years as an RN.  School frustrates and annoys me on so many levels.  I hate spending the money on it and the time.  Yet I know I need to finish my bachelors degree, even if I truly don't want to.
I still need to work on planting roots in my life.  I've struggled this year with both feeling lonely, being in California by myself and yet also feeling as if I'm truly home.  Even with the heat in Fresno I can truly say I love living here.  I wish I had chosen family closer but I love it here and outside of maybe moving more coastal (which may never happen and is ok) I can't imagine moving.  Can't say I never will but it would be a difficult decision to leave.
I've struggled with the realization that my life has turned out nothing like what I had hoped or expected it to turn out.  I've grieved not having children and evicted my uterus partially to stop the waffling back and forth about trying again or wondering if it could happen.  I don't regret the hysterectomy.  Truly this last year of no periods has been fabulous.  Yet it was a very firm slamming of a door.
I spent a lot of time wondering and trying to figure out what I believe in.  Feeling as if I was or would be judged for my beliefs and how they differ from other peoples.  I still have a hard time with reconciling people who I consider friends having beliefs that are so much in opposition to things I believe very strongly in. I experience a lot of fear in the idea of allowing people to see what feels like the real me and being shunned.  Where do I draw that line of being myself and being true to what I really believe in and yet forcing those beliefs on others in a manner to make them choose whether or not to be in my life.

I've had frustrations that I'm still trying to dig my finances out of the whole created by infertility and student loans (yet another reason spending money on further education frustrates me), that I allowed myself to get into this situation and that for now the plans I want to make for my future still seem so far away.

I guess the overwhelming feelings this year were anxiety, sadness and frustration. Here's to hoping 2014 goes better.

Scroogy

I'm feeling rather blah this week. I love the holidays. I love decorating and making things to give away.  However I also tend to feel more lonely around the holidays than usual.  Most of the time I'm good.  I know I'm blessed and I have a lot in life to feel thankful for.  Yet this time of year I find myself fantasizing about being a part of big holiday gatherings with people I love.  Fantasize about belonging.  Yet at this time of year it also seems so far out of reach.  The lack of any real family and all of my close friends being so far away just makes me feel so much more lonely than usual. 
I'm aware that even if I lived closer to my chosen family I likely wouldn't get to spend a lot of holiday time with them.  First off I'm a nurse and my job is such that I usually get one of the winter holidays off.  Second most of my chosen family have other family engagements that while I would likely be welcome I wouldn't necessarily be comfortable.  I have this weird thing about spending holidays with people I don't know.  It almost makes me feel more lonely. 
I love living in California.  I really do.  However this time of year I find myself wishing for more.  Not sure even exactly what.  Just more.

Pet Peeves

I will admit that I probably have way to many pet peeves to name. Or at least too many to name all at one time without sounding like a total cranky bitch.  One though in particular has been grating on me and at first I couldn't figure out why it bugged me really but I finally figured it out. 
I will preface this by saying that I am very much non-religious and have been for a long time and honestly don't consider myself Christian. Hope that doesn't offend too many people (or the few who are still out there) but for various reason I don't. I will also say I don't have a problem at all with the phrase Merry Christmas.  I say it frequently this time of year.  I love decorating for Christmas and baking etc, I refer to it as Christmas. I also don't necessarily see the holiday as the total all Christian holiday (many of the traditions have pagan origins and those traditions have been adopted as part of the Christian holiday), I know many others do and that's fine.  It doesn't bother me if other people disagree with me or believe differently, we all have that right, or most all.  However the last week or two I keep seeing a picture thing pop on FB from various friends that states "I hear it's offensive to say Merry Christmas? Well if it bothers you then... Merry Christmas again."  So if it bothers someone you're going to say it again just to make sure that you have really offended them?  I'm sorry, does this really sound like a Christian value? I am aware that there has been some input from people to separate church and state that has led to a movement in the direction of removing some of the more religious traditions from schools, government or what ever.  I will also say there are probably those that are just obnoxious and will say it is offensive just to cause drama.  I can also say that even back when I was a kid and didn't celebrate Christmas (wasn't allowed to) if someone said Merry Christmas to me I wasn't offended and usually simply replied with a thank you.
How about a different perspective.  I swear. Often more than I should although I try to keep it to a minimum at work.  However suppose I said Fuck at work.  A co worker hears this and says "you know, I find that word, language offensive."  So I turn around and say Fuck again and I'm standing up for my right to say Fuck as often as I want?
I don't know.  Maybe it's the attitude. It just seems argumentative and rude.  Not kind or anything like what Christmas and Christians are supposed to be like.