Lately I've had a few blog posts pop up from blogs I used to read that I honestly don't have the need or time to follow anymore. So I finally decided to sit down and look at my reader list and delete unnecessary stuff. It was surprising to me how many were there that I hadn't seen posts from in such a long time which lead to me wondering what happened to them and realizing that the last year or so I'm just as bad. Yes I know. I suck at posting here. For so many reasons. Time, feeling like what I have to say isn't that interesting, fear of negativity and of putting so much of myself out there for anyone and everyone to read etc. Yup, those are all there.
Sometimes it just feels like there isn't a lot going on. I work and I come home. I like my job most of the time. There is one aspect of my job that I REALLY don't like but that doesn't affect me every shift and I've been told to be patient, things are changing and I'm trying to do that. I admit that I've had thoughts of wanting to change positions because of the one aspect that I really don't like. I can sit back though and see that now isn't a great time with trying to finish my BSN as taking on something else to learn might be a bit overwhelming. Also for the most part I really do like my job. It can be boring sometimes but what job isn't. Yes part of me wants to try NICU again at some point but I'm also afraid to try again and realize I hate it again. As far as that goes I think it's fear. Fear of not being good enough, smart enough, hurting a baby and on and on. When I was in nursing school I was sure I wanted to work in some form of critical care. Preferably NICU but I also was interested in adult ICU. I craved the feeling of satisfaction that I imagined I would get from working in that sort of environment of life and death situations. Sometimes I still feel like I crave that. Yet the reality of it is that I don't have a huge desire to have that much responsibility. I like where I'm at and the time I can spend with my patients helping them during a time that is usually a really good time for them and if it's not I like knowing that I can help make a difference to make it a little less difficult. I like working with the babies but I like working with the well babies. Or mostly well. So if I'm really honest with myself NICU probably isn't the path I need to take. It's a path I desire to feel better about myself as a life saving nurse but it's also a potential set up for failure in that I could end up feeling worse about myself. Right now I just want to finish my BSN (which has a whole lot of ambivalent feelings in itself), and do my job.
There are also things that I don't feel super comfortable talking about but yet I also feel a need to talk about them. I'm sort of planning on or hoping to have surgery soon. Or a couple of surgeries. One that I'm waiting to hear if it will be approved by insurance. That's for a panniculectomy, I have some left over hanging skin/fat on my lower abdomen. Not the end of the world but it's difficult to keep under it clean and free from rash etc. I've had a horrible yeast rash in my groin area just below for months. I talked to a surgeon a couple of weeks ago and I really liked her. So hopefully insurance will approve the procedure. The other possible surgery was a bit harder to come to the decision. I've asked my doctor for a hysterectomy. The last several years my periods keep getting heavier and heavier. The cramping keeps getting worse. I'm just done with it. I know that to a large extent the increased bleeding is related to menopause or pre-menopause but it sucks. In addition to that my cramping is no longer just the first day of my period but is daily. With next to nothing I can take for it. I'm not supposed to take Ibuprofen since I've had gastric bypass and Tylenol really doesn't do a whole lot. So, tomorrow I have a date with the dildo cam again to see if there is a reason for the cramping and a reason to give to insurance for why I need the hysterectomy. Ideally I will get to do both of the surgeries together. Then I'll get a good 6 weeks off work. I never thought that I would want this but I'm truly and completely done trying to conceive. I will not spend that much money again on a maybe. Heck I don't even know right now if I'd spend it on a sure thing. I'm enjoying my life so much right now as it is (minus the school part which I'm really not enjoying).
So, that's where I am right now. Actually right now I'm sitting here blogging to avoid homework. Yeah. I know. I need to stop that. Maybe if I finished my homework I could go to the beach on Thursday where it's drastically cooler!
Sometimes it just feels like there isn't a lot going on. I work and I come home. I like my job most of the time. There is one aspect of my job that I REALLY don't like but that doesn't affect me every shift and I've been told to be patient, things are changing and I'm trying to do that. I admit that I've had thoughts of wanting to change positions because of the one aspect that I really don't like. I can sit back though and see that now isn't a great time with trying to finish my BSN as taking on something else to learn might be a bit overwhelming. Also for the most part I really do like my job. It can be boring sometimes but what job isn't. Yes part of me wants to try NICU again at some point but I'm also afraid to try again and realize I hate it again. As far as that goes I think it's fear. Fear of not being good enough, smart enough, hurting a baby and on and on. When I was in nursing school I was sure I wanted to work in some form of critical care. Preferably NICU but I also was interested in adult ICU. I craved the feeling of satisfaction that I imagined I would get from working in that sort of environment of life and death situations. Sometimes I still feel like I crave that. Yet the reality of it is that I don't have a huge desire to have that much responsibility. I like where I'm at and the time I can spend with my patients helping them during a time that is usually a really good time for them and if it's not I like knowing that I can help make a difference to make it a little less difficult. I like working with the babies but I like working with the well babies. Or mostly well. So if I'm really honest with myself NICU probably isn't the path I need to take. It's a path I desire to feel better about myself as a life saving nurse but it's also a potential set up for failure in that I could end up feeling worse about myself. Right now I just want to finish my BSN (which has a whole lot of ambivalent feelings in itself), and do my job.
There are also things that I don't feel super comfortable talking about but yet I also feel a need to talk about them. I'm sort of planning on or hoping to have surgery soon. Or a couple of surgeries. One that I'm waiting to hear if it will be approved by insurance. That's for a panniculectomy, I have some left over hanging skin/fat on my lower abdomen. Not the end of the world but it's difficult to keep under it clean and free from rash etc. I've had a horrible yeast rash in my groin area just below for months. I talked to a surgeon a couple of weeks ago and I really liked her. So hopefully insurance will approve the procedure. The other possible surgery was a bit harder to come to the decision. I've asked my doctor for a hysterectomy. The last several years my periods keep getting heavier and heavier. The cramping keeps getting worse. I'm just done with it. I know that to a large extent the increased bleeding is related to menopause or pre-menopause but it sucks. In addition to that my cramping is no longer just the first day of my period but is daily. With next to nothing I can take for it. I'm not supposed to take Ibuprofen since I've had gastric bypass and Tylenol really doesn't do a whole lot. So, tomorrow I have a date with the dildo cam again to see if there is a reason for the cramping and a reason to give to insurance for why I need the hysterectomy. Ideally I will get to do both of the surgeries together. Then I'll get a good 6 weeks off work. I never thought that I would want this but I'm truly and completely done trying to conceive. I will not spend that much money again on a maybe. Heck I don't even know right now if I'd spend it on a sure thing. I'm enjoying my life so much right now as it is (minus the school part which I'm really not enjoying).
So, that's where I am right now. Actually right now I'm sitting here blogging to avoid homework. Yeah. I know. I need to stop that. Maybe if I finished my homework I could go to the beach on Thursday where it's drastically cooler!
