New Year's Eve

I can't believe it's New Year's Eve already. I currently have a post bouncing around in my head but it will probably have to wait for tomorrow as I need to go to bed. I'm also not really sure if it's worth posting or not. We'll see.
I just made an exciting find though. Back in October I mentioned on one of my show and tells about some Christmas stuff I had found on ebay and that I was trying to find the matching tree skirt. This was to replace the same tree skirt I had years ago that I had given up. I've been looking for this skirt off and on for at least 2 years. I found it!!! I just happened to pop in daisy kingdom tree skirt to the ebay search and there it was. I hadn't used that search in a month or more and was so excited to see it there. So I guess it's time to go cash in my pennies to pay for that one. And just in time too since Sara ruined the current tree skirt last week. Of course I may not be able to use it for a few years unless I make sure that she is firmly on board with the idea of using the damn liter box.

So Tired

Well it's been a heck of a week. I worked 60 hours this last week. I am tired but I did ok. The job is interesting. It started off feeling a bit like I was being pulled between two departments. That has lessened and it seems to be going pretty well. I had 3 nights that were really steady busy and one night that was super slow. There are some things that I would say are not really what I expected. Not necessarily a bad thing but an adjustment on my part. I was told when I was hired that I would be working for short stay surgery but I would be working with recovery (after surgery) at night. Also told that I could eventually be trained to do recovery. I had once talked to a recovery room nurse who loved his job (that hospital did not do trauma) and thought that maybe it was something I'd try at some point. I was therefore excited about the position where I might learn recovery. Until I was reminded right before I left Sac that recovery is a critical care position. Yikes. And it really is where I'm at. The hospital I'm at is a level I trauma center with the second busiest ER in the state (according to their website anyways). I'm now trying not to freak out over the whole critical care aspect of the whole thing. So far my position itself is patients who are stable but eventually it will likely be more. I think it will be really good experience if I can just get past my fear of it. The other thing that is a change is something little. Something really small and to some probably stupid that it bugs me. I will likely have to start wearing hospital scrubs at some point. Yes I know, little stuff. But I have tons of scrubs and I really like my scrubs. Plus as a chubby girl I like loose fitting clothes. My past experience has been that getting hospital scrubs that fit me loosely is difficult if not completely impossible. However I have a charge nurse who keeps bringing up the scrubs issue. And I am part of PACU (recovery) where they do have to wear hospital scrubs. Otherwise, it's mostly good. Some very interesting cases this last week. Turns out they occasionally (almost daily) take ICU patients in their area that are ICU hold patients since there isn't an ICU bed. Also it turns out that if you have gall bladder problems, don't go to a hospital that is a trauma center. You will be almost the last person in line for surgery. I've had several patients stay in preop holding for hours or even days as they keep getting bumped for more emergent cases. Even appendicitis will bump a gall bladder case.
So I'm taking tonight off. I think my animals are feeling neglected and I need to catch up on dishes etc. I'm so sick of having boxes all over my house it's making me crazy. Then I know I'll work the next 3 nights and probably the next 4. Hopefully at this rate I might be caught up on all my bills by the end of January. Maybe.

Busy Week

So this looks like it's going to be a very busy week for me. I worked Monday night which was sort of a waste but the pay will be good. We had one patient all night. I was tired and not feeling well and I was just orienting with the guy who is finishing up his week there and then will be leaving. I had planned sort of to go home a couple hours early since it was so slow but then he disappeared somewhere (to sleep I'm pretty sure) and didn't come back until shift change. Asshole.
I took tonight (Tues) off and then will be working Wed, Thur, Fri and Sat nights. I figured since I can't go home for Christmas than I might as well work and get the overtime. Plus I will be the only one for the position until the 1st so there is over time available. I'm going to try to pick up as much as possible in the next 2 weeks so that I can hopefully get caught up on my bills. That would relieve a lot of stress.
Sadie is settling in just fine. She hasn't had any more seizures since Friday which is good.
I'm trying to get my addresses changed on many of my accounts and such. I called one of my credit cards to change my address and she had to ask me a bunch of security questions to verify that it really was me. Talk about obscure questions. She asked my moms age (good thing I know she is 20 years older than I am). She asked about some county that I knew nothing about. She asked about the color of a car I owned in 1997 (which was long before the credit card existed) and what county a previous address had been in which was also from 1997-2001). I guess I proved myself as they did change the address.
Not much else happening in my world. Just work and trying to get unpacked and settled. My house is still a wreck but it's getting better slowly. I was so happy the other night to finally throw out the wonky mattress. No more beds with hernias. It's a nice feeling to settle in some again.
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!!

Oh Christmas Tree!!

Well I finally found my Christmas spirit last night. I decided about 6pm to put up my Christmas tree while I watched the shows I'd DVR'd. I didn't end up using as many lights as usual and I didn't get all of my ornaments or other decorations out but my tree is up and oh so pretty. I have like 6 or 7 rough totes (the big ones) full of decorations. I've never had a house big enough to use them all. Someday maybe. I also have enough ornaments for at least 2 trees but I love finding new and unique ornaments. So here's the tree, never mind the TV in the back ground.

Here's Sara under the tree. I think she may have been chewing on it. At least they finally grew out of the whole chewing on the light strand thing. The first year I had the girlies I lost 4 light strands a cell phone charger and another lamp. Plus most of my other cords have little chew marks on them.

And here's Luna under the tree. She likes to just sit and hide there.

Sadie really wasn't all that interested in getting near the tree. She just sort of stayed out of the way. I also managed to get all my Christmas cards filled out and addressed last night. They'll go out today which I know that except for the few that are going to other locations in California are likely going to be late. Oh well, they say happy holidays so it's still within the holiday season. And at least they are going out. I seriously considered not sending cards at all this year and still didn't send out nearly as many as I usually do.

Show And Tell

Because I have nothing else to take a picture of yet in my messy half unpacked place of residence I thought I would at least share some pics of Sadie. Of course the cats didn't want to be left out. I still haven't got my Christmas tree up and don't know if it will go up or not so no tree pics.
So here's Sadie in her bed and Luna of course had to be in the dog bed too.
Here's Sara looking all funny in the cupboard. Until I filled it up she wouldn't stay out of the cupboard. Now theres no room.

Here's Sadie in the back yard yesterday. It was sort of a nice day yesterday but of course the clouds are back today. Yes I am fully aware that I have no room to complain since my friends at home are completely buried in snow. So not missing snow. hehehe...

Don't forget to head on over to Stirrup-Queens to play along with show and tell this week.

What Was Lost

Yes, I found my keys. Finally. After going crazy for 2 days I found them in a place that I shit you not I looked at least 6 times. I guess maybe I didn't lift up all of the items on the wonky air bed in the living room since last night in the middle of doing something else I happened to lift up a small microwavable heat pack pillow thing and they were under that. So I can finally lock my door when I leave the house.
Yesterday was a bit rough. I had a busy and sort of emotional day at work. Just a couple of sad cases that bothered me. I came home and found huge piles of puke in the garage which is usually an indication that Sadie has had a seizure. She always pukes after the seizure. She was still acting a bit shaky too and a bit later puked a couple more times. I also noticed that she peed on her dog bed which was likely from the seizure too. She has had seizures a few times a year for the last 5-6 years. Sometimes they are brought on by stress. Before moving her down here I did consider that the whole move process may bring on some seizures. I still think she is better off with me. That doesn't mean that I don't feel a bit guilty that the stress of the move, new house etc brought on a bad seizure day. Hopefully there won't be any more for a while now. All those things, money worries and then a pretty negative anonymous comment and I was feeling pretty raw last night. I ended up going to bed fairly early and I feel better today. Still a little emotional but mostly ok.
Now I'm just working on some unpacking. I have come across a couple of things that were left behind. Also I've come across 3 things so far that have been broken. I know that things get broken in a move. This is a given. However I have moved numerous times with very minimal breakage in the past so I find myself a bit annoyed. The stuff is replaceable and I know it's small in the grand scheme of things but I also know that I'm a bit anal about my stuff and work very hard to take good care of my stuff. I think I'm still just overly moody.

Shit

I can't find my freaking keys!!!!!
I spent a half hour searching for them this morning before finally giving up. I was almost late for work and I had to leave the door into the garage unlocked. No one can get in but still made me nervous. Luckily I knew where my spare car key and remote to unlock the door was or I have no idea what I would have done. I have looked around this evening and I still can't find them. Which is seriously pissing me off. I remember seeing them last night on a box in the kitchen but I have tore the kitchen apart and can't find them. I have looked in all the usual places and still no keys.

Tired

I'm tired. So tired. I still have this lingering cold that's kicking my butt. My sore throat came back today and I had the worst headache for most of the day. Hope that doesn't continue. The last 2 days have been crazy busy. My stuff is all here and I have a pathway through my house between all the boxes. I actually got to sleep in my own bed last night and it was kind of weird to not be on a wonky air mattress. Nothing is unpacked and likely won't be before this weekend. It looks like I will be moving to nights next week. I'm sort of happy about that because getting up at 4am sucks donkey balls.
Yesterday after unloading the truck and going and picking up a dryer (I got a dryer yesterday for $40) I had to drive the guys to Sacramento to fly back to Washington. It was double the cost to fly them out of Fresno so I drove up there and back. Long and tiring drive. On the way home my sister called. I ended up pulling over at a strip mall so I could talk to her for a while. I told her what has been going on and about the second failed IVF and my decision to move on to donor eggs. She again offered her eggs. So we talked more about what all is involved. And she's still willing. I'm hoping to manage this in about a year. I need to figure out what the cost etc will be and I'm not quite sure how I will manage it but I am going to do everything I can to figure it out. I know that yes she could possibly change her mind but right now I feel so blessed. So blessed that the little sister who was a fantastic gift when I was a young and lonely teenager is now offering me a gift that is beyond imagination. Even though we haven't seen each other in almost 7 years and we don't talk often, she is offering me a chance at being a mom. I'm left speechless.

Not Here Yet *Updated*

Well, they're not here yet. Yesterday was sort of a sucky day for driving through Oregon and they only made it as far as Eugene. They are doing better today and are over all the passes now so it should be good. I'm still not expecting them to be here before say 9pm tonight though. They had to buy chains because apparently Oregon requires you to have them in your vehicle. No biggie, I can return them if not used (they weren't). But ooh, there's a catch. Les Schwab (the fuckers) won't let me return them until April 1. WTF????? Yeah because I may change my mind and go rent another truck to move again. Or who knows when you may need chains for tires that are 2 inches bigger than the ones on your car. Goody.
I've been trying to get stuff done. Such as laundry. I hate laundromats so of course I put it off for as long as I possibly could. All done as of this morning though. Maybe I can hold off for another 3-4 weeks for the next trip. I made peanut brittle this afternoon. I might make my peanut butter balls and some fudge too. Since I'm attempting to eat my body weight in sugar. Yeah, I do the emotional and stress eating thing. The ultra responsible person in me who is never late on my bills etc is just about ready to faint at how many times I've had to explain to creditors that I can't pay them yet. Enter the need for even more sugar. Christmas? yeah pretty much not happening outside of some decorating. I will probably put up my tree. Just because I missed decorating last year. Not getting everything out of the boxes though. I just don't have the energy for that.
Oh and last night my power went out. Like 3 times. It was a little stormy (rainy and windy) but didn't seem that bad. The first time it was like a minute. The second it was like 30 seconds and then it went out a minute or so later and was out for like an hour. Of course my house was pitch black. I have candles but didn't remember where the little lighter dealie thing is so I was digging through my work bag looking for my little pen light. Once I found that I was able to light my candles but they didn't offer enough light to do much by. Since there was nothing to do I ended up blowing them out again and just going to bed. Nice and early. And I was wide awake a 4:45 this morning. Ugg.
Maybe I should take a nap before they all get here.
Finally here at about 8:30. All is well. Sadie seems a little unsure of what to think of the new house, damn cats loving on her etc but I'm sure all will be back to normal soon.

Show & Tell

So today HS (from here forward to be known as renter) left Sp0kane today on his way here with the moving truck full of my stuff. And my dog!!! Yippee my bed is on it's way and soon there will be no more sleeping on the damn herniated bed. Anyways renter sent a phone pic of Sadie in the truck and I had to share as it's so cute.

Not the best picture but she just looks happy. Of course she loves being in the car. She'll be here tomorrow!!!!
To join in Show and tell go on over to Mel's blog and join the fun.

Just Another Saturday Night

I'm feeling better today thank goodness. Yesterday was pretty much miserable. Today is ok. Still heavier than usual but ok.
I'm doing ok I think. I feel like I'm in this weird stage of wondering whats next and feeling left behind. I'm still sort of numb and find that I'm not feeling nearly as upset as I thought I would. I have a lot of different things bouncing around in my head.
Someone asked if I would try again. Yes, likely I will but not with my own eggs. I'm done. Yes I realize that I could continue with my own eggs and do a couple of more cycles and maybe I'd get lucky and get that one that would work and stick. However in my mind I've had 3 chemical pregnancies. So things are fertilizing. They are implanting. And then it's stopping. This to me seems like it is likely an egg quality issue just based on my age etc. I could do another cycle and do PGD to see for sure if it's an egg quality issue but in my mind I just can't justify it. I know that if I tried another cycle with my own eggs and if it didn't work I would be pissed at myself for "wasting" the money. So I'm done with my eggs. Which is a bit of a weird feeling. Just the thought that I likely will not ever again do the whole shooting up with hormones on myself to get myself to the point of egg retrieval. Not really a sad feeling, just a weird feeling. The part of this that I'm having the most difficulty with is the idea that it will take me a year or two to save up the money for another cycle. Before this last cycle I sort of looked at that "break" as a good thing. A chance to do some things that I wouldn't be doing otherwise. Now that break seems so ungodly long. Unfathomably long. I hate the idea of waiting that long. However there is absolutely no way it will happen sooner. Or at least no way I can come up with. So for now I work and try to pay off my bills and save money for the next round. I don't know if when it comes down to it my sister will still be willing to donate eggs to me. She has mentioned it in the past but who knows. There is also the whole allergy factor that bothers me. I've always avoided sperm donors with allergies as the idea of getting rid of my fur babies bothers me a lot. My sister is horrible allergic to cats. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it etc. I want to move on with the next step but know that for now patience is something I need to work on. My blog may become very boring in the next year or so.

Who

I wonder what hot shot advertising executive came up with the dumb ass slogan of "have a happy period." What a fucking idiot. I'd be willing to place money that it was a male who came up with that one and that whoever it was has never had any experience with infertility at all. Happy period my ass. Nothing happy about this. Aside from the emotional aspect of dear old AF this is the worst one I've had in a good long while. Complete with horrible cramps and a headache which I usually don't get. I knew it would be bad but shit. It wasn't this bad with the first IVF since I had a light period before test day then 2 weeks later finished it up. This is just sucky. Like stay in bed all day sucky. Ugg.

Still In Beta Hell Updated

Yes, I'm still here. Sorry I didn't update last night but I still didn't have internet at home (I finally do now) and I just didn't have the energy (or the money) to go back to the internet cafe to post after work.
Saturday's beta was a 26. So not doubling like it should after 3 days. Of course still increasing enough to earn me a keep taking your meds and test again. I was supposed to do it tomorrow but I have to work all day so I did it today. I don't know if I will know the results tonight or tomorrow.
In the meantime I'm struggling. I want very badly to withdraw into myself and just not deal. Sleeping for say the next 6 months sounds good. I've been burying myself in books and just not thinking or much. I haven't cried much. Yesterday after getting the results for Saturdays draw I found myself way more angry than sad. I had let myself hope over the weekend. I had let the dizzy spells and hot flashes give me hope and along with a positive pee stick really believed that it could still turn out good. Today I don't. I have no hope left. I feel so angry and cheated. All through my life my likes and dislikes or wants have changed as I have. The only 2 things that I've wanted that have remained a constant is to be married or to have someone to share my life and wanting to be a mom. I feel like I'm being tortured or punished somehow and that those things will never be a part of my life. I feel still like I am chasing the impossible dream. I know there are others who have felt this way or who have dealt with similar feelings. I don't pretend to hurt any worse than others. But I hurt. I am just so angry that for once things can't just work out well. I know I am blessed and that I have more than many but when I'm looking at the possibility of never being a mother it seems so much like I have nothing. I know that's not true but it's how I feel right now.
Today I went to Chi*li's for lunch as I felt like I deserved it. As I was walking through the restaurant I noticed a toddler sitting at a table. I didn't even think about when I sat down facing in one direction that she would be in my direct line of sight and usually this wouldn't bother me anyways. She looked like she was about a year old, had a knitted pink hat with a great big flower on it and was so cute. She turned around and gave me big huge smiles and waved. I started getting all teary and waved back, watching her eat and watch others. I felt like the pain I was feeling radiated off me and it seemed like her mother gave me a sympathetic look. Maybe just what I was wanting to see. I finally had to focus on my book as I knew that if I continued to sit and look at this beautiful little girl I would soon have tears running down my face. Since I tend to prefer crying in private over public places reading seemed like a better plan.
For now I wait. Wait for the next set of results so I can maybe stop the meds. Strange thing is that I had no problem with daily shots in the ass with a great big needle when there was so much possibility but now that my hope is gone it all seems like it's just more effort than I want to make. I'm not sure what's next.
Updated. Todays beta is 4 so it's over. Expect my period in 3-4 days and I can finally stop poking myself. Now what.

Happy Baby Shower

Well I'm at a public computer in an internet cafe (on Wednesday) so I can't seem to post the actual picture or graphic that was sent out but I wanted to send a happy baby shower to Antigone. Thinking of you lots!!

Welcome Back

To beta hell. Todays beta is 12. I was told that it is still possible for this to turn out as a viable pregnancy, that they've seen it happen before. Excuse me for not holding my breath. I've been here and done this before. Continue meds and test again. I can't test on Friday as I have to be to work at 6 and work a 12 hour shift. I will test on Saturday and won't here the results until Monday.
Right now I'm struggling. Struggling with feeling cheated and like the things I want so desperately in life are never going to happen.
I still have no internet connection at my house and won't until at least next Tuesday. I don't know if I will be checking in again before then or not. I'm trying to just get settled in my house, unpacked etc. Hope everyone else is doing well and thanks to everyone for your good thoughts. I do appreciate all of it.