Indecision

I feel so strange and undecided right now, almost adrift. I don't know what I want to do next. Or I do know but I don't at the same time. I'm ok with taking another travel assignment as the way I have it figured I will just make it a condition of my contract to have Thanksgiving off. Then the contract will end around mid December or so which will also give me Christmas off. I'm ok with this. However I'm feeling a bit over whelmed at the idea of packing up my things yet again and moving them to another temporary location. And coming up with and paying all the deposits and moving costs. It was never much of a problem for my first contract since I stayed in Fresn0 for 9 months or 3 contracts. Since I left there I have moved every 3 months. And now that I have my craft stuff etc here it's even more to move. I do like having my stuff to do though. It's getting expensive and that cuts into the extra money I make that is to go towards IF treatments. I would love to be able to just stay here in Sac if I had a job I liked but I absolutely will not stay at this job. I think also another aspect of this here is my compulsive need to plan out every step for both my professional life and my little science project (TTC). It just doesn't work and I'm having a hard time with that. Then the indecision of what type of nursing I want to do. What I'm doing now (med/surg) works now but it really isn't what I want to do long term. As a matter of fact I'm getting kind of tired of it. I would love to work as an RN in an infertility clinic. However working in clinics tends to not pay as well as working in a hospital would which is a down side too.
Of course there is also the issue of I don't know where I want to live, long term. Part of me really wants to stay in California. I like it here. Some places better than others but I like it here. However I miss my chosen family at home. And I know that if I have a child I want them involved in my child's life which in some ways seems like it's an easy choice to go home. However the flip side of that is that the pay in Spokane sucks. Really sucks. Like anywhere from 5-15 dollars an hour less than I would make here. And right now the cost of buying a house is similar here in Sac and Fresn0 to what it is at home. Plus there right now are no jobs that I really want to do in Spokane. So I feel undecided about all that. And for the moment I'm trying to just not think about it all and leave it for later. This works for a while, sort of.
In the meantime I think of other things. I went and bought a vacuum today. I bought a dys0n which I'm very much looking forward to using. I hated to spend the money but I had a cheep vacuum in Fresn0 and it wouldn't suck up cat liter so when I left, I left it there. Then in SB I didn't have one at all and the landlord of my apartment it appears kept the entire deposit ($500) because of me not vacuuming the carpet. The irony of that is not lost on me that I lost $500 dollars when I just spent close to that on a vacuum. I did get it at a discount though since I had a 20% off coupon. So at least I can leave these carpets well vacuumed.
I also have a bunch of books I've bought and read that I'm trying to figure out what to do with. I have given some of my books to Bleu before and no Bleu I don't mind giving them to you again. However I was thinking of something although I don't know if anyone will be interested. I would like to make an offer to all of you ladies on bedrest that if you are interested in any of the books I have I would be willing to send it to you, you can have it and then share somewhere else or keep. If anyone is interested e-mail me or leave comments and I will let you know what books I have. They are mostly all pretty current books, some hard backs. Another possible idea would be if we could create some sort of an online book exchange. If anyone is interested in that idea maybe let me know too and I'll see what I can set up.

Home

Well I just got back from Fresn0. I didn't get the job. And I'm feeling strangely more disappointed than I thought I would. Even though I knew I might not get the NICU job there was a possibility mentioned of a different position and I felt sure that I would get something. I had thought about how I could find a house to rent since I would be staying in one place longer and how I could go home and get my dog.
I know there will be other jobs. Right now focus is back on another travel assignment. I'm going to take the holidays off. Then go from there.

Back To Work

Yes, I finally got released to go back to work. I feel so much better since I started the physical therapy and my appointment yesterday gave me a release to return to full duties. They do want to see me back Next Thursday for a recheck but I think my neck is all better now. I wasn't scheduled last night and even though I should have went in I didn't. I went to a movie instead. I think this is the first time in close to 2 years I have been to a movie in the theatre. Sad but it's so much easier to just wait for it to come out on Net*flix. I went to see The Da*rk Ni*ght and it was pretty good. This is coming from someone who isn't a superhero and or batman fan. I've only seen one of the other batman movies (the one with Geo*rge Clo*oney) and of all the other superhero movies I've watched (usually only when it wasn't a choice) the only one I really cared for was spiderman. So I did enjoy the movie last night. And the jo*ker character was a creepy one. Strange to think he is gone now. I did prepare for the movie by not drinking anything for about 4 hours prior to the movie so I wouldn't have to get up in the middle and go pee. It was over 2.5 hours long. And wow are movies expensive. I paid $10 for admission and a small soda (which was 32 ounces which used to be the large) and small popcorn was another $10. Oh well.
I don't know if I will post anything before my interview on Monday but I will post for sure after. I should know on Monday whether I got the job or not. I also checked with a staffing person who is with the same agency I'm with right now and she basically said she had never heard of an offer that good. So, we'll see.

My Own Crazy Faith

So I’ve been sitting here thinking about the job in Fresn0 quite a bit. Thinking about how I look on paper (which seems like maybe not so good) and yet knowing what I have to offer. I know that in applying for an NICU position they are going to go back and look at my past NICU experience. I don’t know how much I can gloss over the fact that I sort of panicked a bit and quit my previous job because of being afraid of caring for the sickest babies. Yes another reason was I wanted to try traveling so I could pay off bills etc but it was also a panic thing and if they ask any of my co-workers from that job that is the answer they will get. All I can say is that I would like to try again. I would like to be an NICU nurse even though I’m so scared of someday being a mom to an NICU patient. All of this leaves me very up in the air as far as the interview goes. Part of me really wants the job and I will be excited if I get it. It would be nice to stop and settle into a space for a while without having to move every 3 months. To be able to get caught up and get ahead a bit. Part of me isn’t sure that this is the best choice even though the money is great and I will be able to do another IVF and pay off bills. I find myself simply thinking that if it’s meant to be, it will be. If the best choice is to quit traveling and settle in one spot for a while, I will get the job in Fresno or a similar job that will offer the sign-on bonus that makes it doable to take a staff position and continue TTC. If I don’t get the job then I will take that to mean that continuing to travel is the best choice. I’ve also realized that this is sort of a weird stance for someone who isn’t even sure if she believes in God. I go back to my post in December of last year where I was trying so hard to believe not only that God exists but that God might actually bother to listen to me and my prayers begging to allow me to become pregnant and have a child. After the IVF went to hell I sort of went back to being unsure about the whole God/faith thing. But yet I will rely on something other than myself to make the decision as to whether or not I will continue travel nursing with it’s good points and bad or if I will settle down somewhere for a bit and see what happens next in my life. And yes this does seem weird to me. It’s also frustrating that I seem to doubt myself every time a big decision comes my way and then feel I need to rely on someone or thing other than myself to help decide.

Another Excuse To Shop?

So I have the job interview in Fresn0 coming up next week. I realized the other day that I have NOTHING to wear to the interview. I did not bring any dress, skirt, nice pair of pants that aren't denim or anything along those lines with me to California. I know I could possibly get away with wearing my scrubs but all of my scrub shirts have some sort of various cutsie print which while I love them for work isn't really the image I want to portray for an interview. So today I went shopping. And this isn't really the fun type of shopping either. This is shopping for an outfit I may never wear again or that I will wear only to other job interviews. Lets face it, I don't exactly have a hopping social life that would require/allow me to wear something that would qualify as business attire. I did however find an outfit that I really liked and it wasn't too expensive so I have something to wear for my interview and any other interviews I may have in my future. Now I just need some shoes. I think I'll hit Pay*less and go for cheap since I will only be wearing the shoes maybe once or twice. As far as the job interview? It's next Monday. I'm driving down to Fresn0 on Sunday and will probably go have dinner with a friend there and maybe swim in her pool. I'm still sort of nervous about the job interview or the job maybe. I'm ok with Fresn0. I lived there for 9 months and liked it except for the heat. The heat admittedly does suck. I'm also nervous about the position. It's NICU. I left NICU a little over a year ago. Part of the reason why I left was because the idea of doing vents etc sort of really freaked me out. This was largely due to the fact that I doubted myself a lot. I felt like I didn't know enough to take care of the sickest babies, like I would do something wrong and the baby would die. I was scared of having parents asking me lots of questions and that I wouldn't be able to answer them. I also was really broke and wanted to do travel nursing for a while and couldn't do it as NICU with my short term experience. I don't regret doing the travel thing but looking back I know that I understood and knew a lot more than I gave myself credit for and that honestly I was never "alone" in that I always had co-workers who could answer my questions. I've told myself for a while now that some day I wanted to go back and give NICU a try again. I just hadn't figured it would be so soon. I had sort of figured on this happening after I had children. But yet I feel like I do want to try again. It just scares me too. I'm afraid of not being good enough. Then again I suppose this has been my fear my entire life so maybe I just need to plunge ahead and just do it without thinking about it much which gives me time to get scared. I know that I could likely go to other hospitals and get staff positions in different areas and skip the whole NICU thing right now but the thing about Fresn0 is the sign on bonus. I've been looking around and haven't found anything else that's similar to this in the state of California. The sign on bonus could finance another cycle or more depending on what I do. The money there is good and it's one year. I've already spent almost that much time there and liked it. I would have to come back up here for doc visits as I refuse to go back to the asshole there. I could/would do that though if I had to. So next week I'll interview and see what happens and go from there.
Another thing of interest happened today also. The doctors office called me to let me know what they had found out from my insurance about infertility treatments. I have $2000 lifetime benefit for IUI or IVF and $1500 lifetime benefit for meds. Not a huge amount but more than I had on my last coverage. This leaves me wondering how fast I could scrape up the remaining amount for an IVF and do it at the end of the contract here. I don't know if it's possible or not but it's a thought.
I'm hoping to be able to go back to work this week. I really want to go back to work even if I don't really want to go back to this particular job. The physical therapy seems to be working wonders for me and my neck has gotten so much better in the last few days. So hopefully they will release me to full duties when I go back to the doctor on Thursday.
Last thought/question. I had attempted to search out my blog before with various search engines using my name etc and never had any luck. So I felt fairly secure in using my own name and where I'm from. I tried again Saturday (after talking to Mel about others finding your blog) and I found it. Quite quickly. Now looking at this from the point of view of the things I've said about others would I say it to their face. I would like to think that yes I would. Whether we're talking about HS, my mom, or much of anyone else. However it would be really uncomfortable if several of the people such as HS, mom, sister, cousin were to find this blog. I've taken my name off the profile but it's still coming up on a search engine. I have no reason at this time to think that someone has found my blog but still. I'm considering moving it to a different address just for security sake. Not password protected but just move it. Anyone have any thoughts on that??

Show And Tell

So at the risk of boring everyone to death with pictures of my girlies here are a couple more. Just because the crack me up so much. While I sit here at my desk Luna is sitting basically on my chest and if I'm not paying enough attention to her she gets up and starts rubbing up against my keyboard. She has now managed to change my screen so everything is bigger. I can't figure out how she is doing this. I know how to change it back but I can't figure out how she changes it in the first place.
So now here's my pictures for this week. My cats both have heart problems that requires medication. After having tried liquids to mix in with food (neither of them will even eat wet cat food any more), and having the medication formulated to have a good "flavor" I've determined that it's much easier to take the pill and simply shove it down their throats. However they know when I'm getting ready for this. They hear the pill cutter and both go hide. So the night before last I had cut the pill and they both took off. I finally found Luna in the bathroom, hiding behind the shower curtain. I'm sure she was thinking she was safe there and that I'd never find her. I thought it was so funny I had to take a picture. You can see her feet under the shower curtain in this picture below.

This picture is of Sara and Luna on the balcony. I let them outside sometimes on the balcony and there are a couple of other cats who live down below my apartment. They all sit there and stare at each other. This is my cats looking down at the other cats.

Fun Fun

So I still haven't been released to go back to work at full duties. I keep asking and they keep saying no. I did finally get to do a physical therapy appointment on Friday and it really felt like it helped, at least for a while. Right now my neck is kind of sore again but hopefully a couple of visits and maybe I'll be good to go?? It's getting a bit frustrating right now since I really do want and need to go back to work. Although it has been nice not having to go to that particular hospital.
Just little odds and ends thoughts in my head right now. My life seems boring even to me lately. I'm so frustrated that I was ready to jump right back into TTC, I got one month in and then back to being on the bench. My interview for Fre*sn0 is coming up in a little over a week. Oh and I got the full amount of rent from HS this month. Granted I didn't get it until the 14th but I got the full amount. I also received in the mail today the $100 gift card thing from Re*nt dot com which means that I have NO idea where the other gift card came from. Not a clue. Of course that didn't stop me from spending the money. I bought books. Several of them.
Yesterday I had a great time. After doing my PT I came home and got ready to go to San Francisco. I had never went on Thursday as I spent much of the afternoon trying to get my PT stuff in order. So I drove to SF yesterday and I got to meet several fellow bloggers who were either in town for the blogher convention or who live in the area. I met Mel & her husband Josh, Lori and her husband, Luna and Mr. Luna, Millie, and Pamela Jean. It was such a great time to meet these women (and husbands too of course) and sit and visit and talk about experiences we've had. I had a great time and am so glad I got to meet everyone.

I Am Wonder Woman

Can you tell I'm feeling quite proud of myself today??? I mentioned a week or so ago that I had to renew my NRP certification which is the certification I had for work when I worked NICU. Even though I'm not currently working NICU I didn't want my certification to lapse as I also need this if I work mother infant and who knows if I will decide to go back to NICU (currently is a possibility). So I had picked up the book last week and was a little worried that it would be difficult since I hadn't used this at all in over a year. I was surprised at how much I remembered of this stuff though. So today I had the actual class. I had to take the full class as I had procrastinated too long and couldn't find a renewal class but that was ok. So I did the written test and got a 100% which made me feel really good. NRP is done. Well then I talked to my recruiter and they were getting a bit concerned that my CPR was expiring in about 3.5 weeks also. He told me about a guy who does this online/on the phone. So I called and got the info. Did the online test part in about half an hour then called back (the guy was really impressed that I was already done with the test part since we had just talked) and we went through the practical portion of it on the phone and I have now managed to also renew my CPR on the same day!! Yay!!!! I don't have to worry about that for 2 years now. Such a nice relief to have all of that done and taken care of in such a short amount of time. I loved the CPR thing. So quick and easy.
Not to much else going on. I am supposed to go back to the doctor tomorrow to see if I can get released back to full duty at work. My neck is getting better slowly. It still hurts some but is better than it was last week. I still haven't seen a physical therapist because it seems to be taking forever to get approval for that done which is stupid. So I don't know if they will release me to go back to work tomorrow or not. Then hopefully I'll be driving to the bay area and will get to meet Mel.
I also got a list of all the lab stuff my RE wants me to have done and I have to get ahold of my doctor at home and see if he will order this stuff for me and if my insurance will approve it if he does as I am guessing this might all be super expensive if I pay for it myself. I am also guessing if just the RE orders it they will deny all of it. Insurance stuff is such a pain in the ass. Otherwise my life seems sort of dull right now.

Monday

Thanks to those who commented on Luna's Charlie Chaplin mustache. I like that one so much better than a Hitler mustache which I have heard several times before. Yes she does have a bit of a mustache and it's kind of cute because her bottom lip has a little hint of black on it. To think that when she was born she was all white. About 4 days later she started getting a bit of color to the tips of her ears and nose and she was about 12 weeks old before her fur filled out and she looks pretty much like she looks now. And in answer to Queenies question, yes that is a lime on the head of the cat in the side bar but no, that isn't my cat. It came as part of a really funny e-mail that I got several years ago and I love the picture so much that I put it on my side bar. I am doing better and am trying to just look at the next step and move on. My neck also seems to be improving now that I can take ibupr0fen etc which helps. Now I just need to get back to work.
So last week either early in the week or late the week before I received a gift card for $100. It's from Gif*tcard lab and it shows a balance of $100 but not who it's from. I sort of figured it was from Re*nt dot com since I had found this apartment through them and they give a $100 gift for finding an apartment from them. Then I noticed I got an e-mail from them on the 10th saying they were sending out my gift card and it would arrive in a couple of weeks. That was after I had received the gift card. So now I don't know where this is from. I don't know if it's from the rent place and they just sent the e-mail out late or what. Strange. Of course I'm still more than happy to spend it.

Show And Tell

Time for Show and Tell again. If anyone wants to join in they can head over to Stirrup Queens and play along.

This week I thought I share a pic of one of my traveling cats. Being a travel nurse I travel quite a bit. Whether its drives home for a week or two or driving to my next destination. I also travel with my two cats Sara and Luna. Since we seem to do this fairly regularly they have seemed to adjust to the whole thing fairly well and don't get too upset at the whole going in the car thing. On my last drive home I managed to get a picture of Luna relaxing in the car. Sara I believe was sleeping under a pillow so I don't have a pic of her but here's Luna.

What If

So I had mentioned a week or so ago that I do really believe that somehow or someway I will eventually be a mom. And yes I do still believe that. However when you are sitting here looking at yet another negative it's so damn hard to keep the what ifs at bay. It's so hard not to sit here and think "what if I'm wrong and it never happens, what if I am still chasing the impossible dream" I think I do this every time I cycle and I suppose to some extent it's just part of the cycle. The mourning of hope for this month. I used to believe that I would some day be married and I now have given up that dream. It hurts too much to want it continually and have it never happen. I also go through my thoughts of "God is punishing me for something" for not believing or not having faith. At any rate I'm back to this all feeling so far away.

BFN

Well AF arrived this morning bright and early. I woke up at about 6 to AF like cramping but nothing then by 8 AF had arrived. So out for this cycle. And I'm going to have to take the next cycle off. I have missed like 4 days of work and am really short on money plus I really need to work on getting my neck better. Since I injured it I haven't been able to take any anti-inflammatory since I was trying to get pregnant and now that I'm not I will spend the next couple of weeks or so taking those and trying to get my neck back to normal.
Hope everyone has a good weekend. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but for now I think I'll go out for breakfast and have a bunch of caffiene.

Spiders and Contracts and Job Interviews Oh My

I just looked up and hanging out over my head is a great big spider. Ick. Typing is difficult cause I have to keep an eye on him and make sure he stays up there and doesn't fall on me. Don't tell me they can't because they can. Damn spiders.
Well I've had no word from my recruiter since yesterday so I'm not really sure what is happening or will happen with that. However there is a new wrench being thrown into everything. I had mentioned briefly that I had hurt my neck. What I don't know if I mentioned was that I did it at work, lifting a patient who I thought would stand and she didn't. So when I had went to the doctor the first time they put me on light duty. At first I just figured that I'd go to work and be careful but then realized that could really get me in trouble. So I finally told the manager and she canceled my shifts for a weekend and told me I could come back when I got released for full duty. The next Monday when I went to the doctor my neck was still bugging me a little but I desperately needed to go back to work as I need to get paid. No sick leave and all that. So I said it was mostly better and went back to work. But then I haven't been able to take the muscle relaxers since I'm in the TWW and it's been bothering me more and more. It hurts a lot and cracks constantly. So I had gotten some info in the mail earlier this week on workers comp and called today and left a message. I told her about my misspelled name and asked about continuing to have pain. So she told me to go back to the doctor. Of course I was apprehensive about that a bit as of course the question of are you taking the meds would come up with the following answer of no, I might be pregnant. Also I wasn't really sure if I was ready to give up hope that this cycle hadn't worked if the doctor decided to run a blood test. I have a couple more days where this can seem like a possibility at least. So at the office the Doctor wanted to do an x-ray but of course I might be pregnant. The tech handed me a cup and told me that they'd do a test. I explained that it wouldn't be accurate as it's likely too soon for it to show in a urine test. She said we'll do it anyways. I asked again why (are you really that dumb honey?) since if it comes up negative we still know nothing as it's too soon for it to show in a urine test, especially late in the afternoon. She just looked at me and so I went and peed in the damn cup. And guess what, it was negative. Yeah I think I told you that. Whatever. We held off on the x-ray. Then the doctor wanted to send me to physical therapy. Ok, that's fine, can we please not put me on light duty as I will not be allowed to work. He says he doesn't have a choice and that I should call my claim representative tomorrow about what my rights are. So this leaves me in a dilemma sort of. I know I have heard of hospitals canceling travelers if they weren't able to work their contract. However by law since it's a work related injury I don't think they can. However in light of the fact that I complained to my employer about the work conditions etc I'm worried they will think I am faking it or whatever to get out of the contract. And while no that isn't my purpose, my neck really does still bother me I have to admit that being able to be released from my contract would definitely be nice. As long as I was able to fairly quickly come up with another job. It would be a bit of a difficulty though as I haven't planned for time off or moving and don't really have the money for either right now. So a bit of a worry.
Then there is the job interview thing. For the job in Fre*sn0. It went pretty well. The agency is going to recommend me for a position and I have another interview coming up in a couple of weeks at the hospital. The hourly pay is a little less than I had hoped but isn't horrible. It's still within the range of what I could survive on. And a 20K sign on bonus for a one year commitment is definitely appealing. That could go towards paying off the last IVF and paying for another round of IVF if this latest science project is a no go. Plus it would be something different from what I'm doing now although I'm not positive that is a good thing or not. So I'm not really sure about the job but it looks promising. Of course I'm nervous about it since big decisions make me really nervous.
Now if I could just stop getting medical bills. Oh did I mention that I got a bill for the visit with the doctor from Hell?!?! Apparently my insurance didn't like the way he coded it and the office refuses to code it differently but hey we'll give you a 10 % discount if you pay by credit card. Yay.
Well mister spider is still up there and I'm getting a neck ache from looking up at him so I think I'll just go to bed.

Working On It

So yesterday after I posted my last post I got a pep talk from Bleu. I ended up calling my recruiter yesterday afternoon and telling him everything that was going on and how miserable I was. He asked me to type out and e-mail to him the specific instances I had given and that he would take it to his manager and they would take it to the guy who was in charge of the travelers at the hospital I'm at. They are going to try to get some resolution somehow. Either that or see if I can finish at least part of my shifts at another facility, the one I went to Saturday which was a bit better. We'll see what happens. If nothing else, I voiced to my recruiter how horrible it was there and he at least validated me in that he will try to fix it. I also was given a web site that lists reviews etc for hospitals from other travelers and such. There was no review of this hospital before so it wouldn't have helped me then but there is a review now and hopefully it will help someone else in the future.

I Refuse To Leave My House

It's supposed to be like 109 today and I refuse to leave my house. It's just too freaking hot. I had thought about picking up an extra shift at work tonight since I still have 2 shifts to make up but I just can't do it. I realize that I'm running the risk here of spending the next 2 months bitching about my job but I am so frustrated I don't know what to do. Yesterday I actually felt ill thinking about having to go into work last night. And of course last night was another horrible night. Cindy you mentioned how when you were a manager you made sure your travelers were treated well. How I wish that were the case. In SB it was. I felt very well treated. Here is such a different story. A couple nights ago I had been stuck in one patients room for at least an hour doing meds and cleaning him up etc. During that time my phone kept ringing (we have cordless phones we have to carry and give our patients our phone number so they can get ahold of us). I however was pretty much elbow deep in shit and answering the phone wasn't an option. When I finally got out of that room one of my other patients had his call light on. He had been the one trying to call me for pain medicine and it had been at least half an hour since his first attempt to call me. I asked him if anyone had checked in on him to see if he was ok with his call light on for half an hour. The answer was no. And they wonder why their patient satisfaction sucks???? Last night I had gowned up for an isolation room and then realized I was missing some flush syringes. I stepped out of the room and to the desk and announced "can someone grab me some flushes?" Everyone sitting at the nurses station looked up at me and then went back to whatever they were doing. NO ONE moved to get me what I needed. I had to ask 3 fucking times before someone who was just coming in went and got me some. Regardless of the fact that many of them had them in their pockets! This is a daily thing. No one helps me out at all without me begging for help unless they are another traveler. It is amazing to me how unfriendly these people are. These women will not go out of their way at all for anyone other than their "friends". It is so frustrating. I dread going there so bad. Some how I need to figure out how I'm going to make it through the next 7 weeks.
On a more interesting and fun (funny?) note my stairway is starting to look like the set for Arachnophobia. Oh yippee. It's getting difficult to get into the apartment because they are everywhere out there. I have to walk past all of them. Ewwww. They also are doing construction on my apartment complex. Rebuilding something. Whatever it is they have no torn down the stairs to the apartment next to mine (I'm assuming it's empty). They actually have a jack hammer today. I'm not sure if my fan that I use for white noise will block out a jack hammer. Or a regular hammer. This could prove interesting while trying to sleep during the day. I'm still almost not thinking about the TWW (haha, yeah right) and the fact that I'm 10 dpo. I've started testing around this time before in past cycles when I was extremely optimistic. No, I'm not going to test today. Or tomorrow or probably even Friday. Maybe Saturday. Or Sunday. See I'm trying not to think of it.

Meanderings

So I'm sitting here on my one night off after having slept all afternoon, thinking honestly about going back to bed. I spent most of my morning frantically trying to find an NRP (neonatal resuscitation) class as my certification expires this month. I thought I had until the end of August but turns out I have until the end of July. Yikes. I'm not really using my certification right now but I hate to have it lapse as who knows if I will need it in the future. I didn't need to take the whole class again but couldn't find a re certification class at all so I'm taking the whole thing. I'm trying to look at it from the point of view that it will be helpful to do the whole class again since I'm not really using the certification right now. My schedule at work got changed a bit and instead of working every weekend (which I didn't really mind that much except I hate working 3 nights in a row) I now seem to have every other weekend off. I even have a stretch of 5 days in a row off coming up at the end of the month. I wonder where I'll go. Cause you know I have to go somewhere.
Work still sucks although at this point I know my attitude is possibly influencing how much it sucks. I can't figure out how to get past that. I spend a large portion of my time at work walking around muttering "I hate this fucking job" over and over. And it's so many little things about it. One night last week I went to work was given an assignment and got started. Then less than an hour later I was told that I had to give my assignment to other nurses and go up to the other floor. Ok, I can do that. I went up there and was told I would be admitting a patient and taking a transfer from ICU, then they also gave me a patient from another nurse. I was impressed that the charge nurse wasn't just giving me all the admits. Then 11pm rolls around and night shift staff nurses get there. The one who was going to "float" down to my usual floor pitched a bitch how travelers always float first and so of course I had to give up my assignment yet again and pick up a new assignment. To say I was annoyed is an understatement. I also had one night where I had to float again to a different hospital. That night turned out to not be that bad as at least the staff were nice and helpful. The hospital I'm at there are a lot of nurses who are very much not helpful. I've stood there and asked for help before and been ignored. Last night I had to float to another floor again at 11pm as I was the traveler and also had to get the first admit on the other unit as again, I'm the traveler and lets make them do as much as possible. I have had a bit of treatment like this before in the past but not a lot. I definitely didn't get it in SB. I know as a traveler that all of this can be part of the job description but I'm having a hard time lately with feeling angry about it or something. It just bugs me. A lot.
In addition I find myself wishing I could find an assignment where I liked it and I could settle for a while and stay for 6 months or more. I loved SB and could go back there but the thing that is the downside for that idea is the cost of housing and the fact that I don't make as much money there. In the whole paying for infertility treatments thing I feel like I need to be choosing assignments for the money in case I need to do another IVF or if I move onto donor eggs.
Then last week I got a letter in the mail recruiting nurses for staff positions. Offering a very large sign on bonus. Based on the description of the hospital I figured out fairly quickly that likely they were trying to find nurses for the hospital I was at in Fre*sn0. So today I called to ask about it. With sign on bonuses it usually requires a commitment of "x" amount of time. I worried that with the size of the sign on bonus they were offering they would want an excessive commitment. I wondered if I could do 2 years in Fresno. Come to find out the commitment is 1 year. For the big sign on bonus. There are still a lot of things to figure out and questions to ask still. I'm wondering if the hourly wage will not be as good since they are giving the sign on bonus. I'm wondering how it will all break down. But still I think worth looking into. I figure I could work out a schedule to come up here for treatments if I needed to as I will NOT be going back to asshole doctor in Fresn0. I also have friends in Fresn0 that I made while I was there the last time. Also a plus. So I may be going back there next. This is all still up in the air but the idea of actual sick leave and possibly even maternity leave have definite appeals.

Show And Tell

I thought I would play along with Mel's show and tell today and post some pictures of my friend's Jan and Jim's yard. I love her yard. It has such a fantastic secret garden feel to it that I love to walk around and look at and just to sit out in the yard and enjoy it. When I was home for the weekend I stayed at her house and took my camera out and took some pictures and am posting a few here. I also got some great close up pics of some of her flowers that I uploaded on my flickr page (also some of my road trip home in May have now been uploaded).

So this is one flower bed up close to her house with roses and a sundial and a bunch of other flowers. Everything grows so well for her.

Jim always feeds the squirels and the birds. The squirrels aren't afraid of people hardly at all and this guy sat and watched me while he ate a peanut.

This one is of her arbor and I love the roses that grow on the sides.

This one is my favorite with the bushes and Ivy growing on the garage. I just love the bird bath there too.

Finally Friday and I'm Going Back To Work For the Weekend

I hope everyone is having a nice fourth of July. I slept all day, got up at 5 and found out my first 4 hours of my shift had been cancelled and went back to sleep for another 2 hours. Hey at least those 4 hours I don't have to make up since the hospital canceled them.
I got a phone call from my little sister yesterday. It surprised me but was so nice to talk to her. She is of course getting all sorts of drama from my mom and the whole church thing. I'm so proud of her though that she totally stood up to mom. Mom apparently tried to tell her that because she had the baby without being married that she can't talk to her or hug her or anything but hey I still want to see that baby 1 weekend a month. Apparently mom also told sis that she keeps in contact with me regularly. News to me since I haven't received an e-mail from her since Feb of 07 and I haven't actually talked to her on the phone in 3 years. It just pisses me off that she lies about it and tries to make herself look like she didn't completely abandon me. She has been doing this for quite a while so I shouldn't be surprised but yet I often am and am always annoyed by the whole thing. I also spoke with sis about my whole struggle getting pregnant and that I've considered using donor eggs if things continue to not work since I am sort of convinced that my 38 year old eggs are at least part of the problem. My sis offered to be an egg donor for me. Now I don't really think she understands all this entails so I can't say if this would ever actually go through but the offer was sincerely put out there. Something to think about. Otherwise not much going on.

I'm A Shopaholic

I am. I admit it. No denying it. And no I'm not currently shopping at the moment in light of having way to many bills to pay this month. I remember when I was young (around 8-15) one of my favorite pastimes was to plan. Slumber parties for me and my friends included sitting around in our jammies and looking through the J*C*penny, M0ntg0mery Wa*rds, and Se*ars catalogs. We would plan out our weddings (dresses, brides maids dresses) how we would furnish our house, our wardrobes (I could always get away with wearing whatever I wanted in my imagination not just what worked for my chubby self) , our future children's nurseries etc. This could easily be an all night thing. We loved it. Even as I got older this was a pastime. I remember when I lived in Portland there was a store there I loved. It was called Dai*sy Kin*gdom and they ended up having lots of patterns and craft stuff that was marketed all over but it started out as a store in Portland. They had lots of nursery stuff (like crib sets etc) that I loved and used to plan out what I wanted for a baby's room. They also had these absolutely fantastic dresses that I even bought several of for my little sister. I loved them. I went to warehouse sales and got some pretty cool stuff cheap too. I bought these fabric iron on things (you had to add the fusible web) for sweatshirts and puff paints and made sweat shirts by the dozens. Some I sold, some I gave away to friends. A couple years ago I discovered some of this Dai*sy King*d0m stuff on e-bay and started looking to replace a couple of things I had gotten while I was in Portland at a warehouse sale and that I had given up in an effort to please my mom. I did find the stockings and still need to put those together but am still looking for the tree skirt.
So when I started the whole TTC stuff it was something else to shop for. I'm not saying that it's all about the shopping and that's why I want a baby. I want to parent. However I did my share of trips to Tar*get, Wally's world and BRU to wander around look at baby stuff and plan the nursery. What sorts of things I wanted to buy. Which crib sets I liked etc. As I mentioned a couple of days ago after the IVF went to hell I pretty much stopped doing this. I haven't been to BRU since like last December and I try to avoid the baby departments for the most part in the stores. I also realized that I just didn't care that much about crib sets, basic blankets and just my own decorations instead of the entire room decorated in a certain "theme" and the whole life time cribs that are like hugely expensive aren't that important. Way more fun to save the money and buy a really cool bed when the child is older and will enjoy having a really cool bed. However when I was in SB and had an occasional slow night at work and since we could surf the web at work I started hitting e-bay looking for my tree skirt that I'm trying to replace. Then I started just looking through all Dai*sy King*d0m stuff. And came across some of the items that were for babies rooms. I found the one that had been one of my favorites. And I started buying the pieces. So I guess I'm still buying baby stuff which could be seen as a subconscious sign of eternal optimism. I started sewing the other night and put one of the blankets together. I have another blanket and also the pieces for a diaper hanger and some other stuff. I love all this stuff and want to show it all to someone and say "look what I found, isn't this cool." And I realize that this is a bit crazy and most definitely not like an infertile and that I could be mocking the Gods or fate or whatever to make me miserable and that this goes against my superstitious self that I have become. Also that I could end up being hugely disappointed if the baby thing never happens and I have all this baby stuff. But I love this stuff and that isn't as much of an argument since I've been collecting "baby stuff" since I was like 16 or younger. I have many of the blankets that were mine when I was a baby, my dad's baby quilt and some afghans my mom made for her future grand daughter not to mention dresses etc that she bought on clearance for her future grand daughter that I've had for at least 10 years. Yes I know, I'm goofy, strange or whatever. However there is a part of me (and please don't shoot me here as I do know that nothing is guaranteed) that really truly does believe that I will have a baby. It may not be with my own eggs (there is a part of me that really believes my eggs are crap at 38) or it may be by way of adoption or whatever but I do still really believe that one way or another I will have a baby. So in my heart, that crazy part of me that is still hopeful I continue to dream and plan for that someday baby and hope that this doesn't jinx me or anger the Gods of Fertility or life or whatever.
Just noticed that this is my 400th post. wow.

Just Another Day

So I'm trying to just keep moving along and not think about the TWW etc. That will probably work fine this week but next week not so much. At least that is my typical pattern for the TWW. I've basically been trying to keep busy.
I went through my address book and filled in a bunch of addresses that had been on individual pieces of paper and taking up space. I came across a paper from 3 years ago. I was getting ready to graduate from nursing school and was sending out announcements. I talked to my mom on the phone about my graduation (I think this was the last time I spoke to my mom on the phone although she did try to call once 2 years ago when I had my appendix out). She later sent me a piece of paper with various addresses for extended family members, most of which I already had but it was nice to get a few of the others. Looking at this now, 3 years later I'm struck by how "odd" this paper is. On the paper for several of my aunts and uncles such as J & L she puts in parenthesis (B... * B...) my cousins names. Like I wouldn't freaking know that??? I grew up with them. I know their freaking names. I know that they belong with J & L. I can understand a bit on some of the more distant relatives that I wasn't around much but for this one especially I grew up with them. It just seems odd. I also remember getting an e-mail from her about 2 years ago that my grandma had died. It was this oddly formal e-mail like she was announcing this to a distant relative. It said something like Grandma P (her last name which I hadn't called her by since I was a little kid) passed away today. It was just weird. My mom is weird. It bugs me that she is so unsuportive and uninvolved in my life. I've seen on a couple of peoples blogs lately a meme of sorts that's something like 6 things that have shaped your life. My interactions with my mom would definitely fit that description.
I went to the doctor yesterday and got cleared to go back to work full duties. Good think because I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to pay my rent. I had it all figured out fine until I didn't work this last weekend. Now I'm short most of a paycheck. Ugg. If this cycle doesn't work I will likely have to take next month off so I can get caught up again. Of course like I've said it would help if HS would pay me what he agreed to pay me. I'm still not holding my breath waiting for that to happen. I have to make those 3 days I missed up but I get paid differently for those days I make up so it will be sort of like getting paid less. Recruiter was trying to say how it would be more as most of the hours get paid at overtime rate but hello, that's more taxable income. Oh well. I told them I would work tomorrow night and while I don't know if they will need me, I'm at least down for now.
Well I made my chocolate cake last night and that satisfied that urge. It's sort of funny though since for the most part the thing I like best about the cake is the frosting. And it would be so much better if I could just buy a slice of cake at the store but it's not the same. It's drier and doesn't taste as good. Now I should just give the rest of this away rather than continue to eat it.