Waffling

Back and forth between hope and pessimism. Part of me knows that the timing was great for my IUI based on the opk and that gives me hope. Then part of me is scared that it still wasn't right. I'm afraid that I ovulated very quickly after positive opk since CM dried up again and I had some cramping Saturday night that could have been ovulation but I know cl0mid can screw the whole CM thing up. Then I bounce right over to worrying that even though I had an LH surge I didn't ovulate without the trigger and it was all for nothing. God I hate this part. I was so bloated Saturday and yesterday. Today is better. I'm still having cramping occasionally in my left ovary region and that is about it. I seriously don't know what to think. I've also been craving chocolate cake. I tend to be very suggestible when it comes to food. I read on someones blog that they had cupcakes and then I couldn't get cupcakes out of my head. The other day I went back and was reading my own blog during my last cl0mid cycle (chemical pregnancy) and I had been talking about chocolate cake. Now I can't quit thinking about chocolate cake. Ugg. I've been working on some craft stuff which has been sort of fun. I also went back to urgent care and got released back to work at full duties. Then on the way home my neck started hurting a lot. Hopefully that will quit. I need to pick up at least one day during the week to make up for Sunday and then decide when to make up for Friday and Saturday. This is the thing about traveling. I make great money. But I have no sick time, no vacay time, my benefits are only so-so. So I also feel a bit like I'm struggling with the whole idea of missing being a staff nurse and feeling like I have some security. It scares me sometimes and I'm not always sure what to do with it.

Deed is Done

Yes, I've been sperminated. It seemed to go ok for the most part. I had some cramping as doc had a bit of difficulty actually getting all the way through the cervix and into the uterus. Which sort of made me wonder. Old clinic usually only took maybe a couple of minutes to do IUI. Once it took her longer to find cervix than to do IUI. So what is the likelihood that they actually did an IUI and not just got barely into the cervix and put the sample in. Hmm. So now I'm officially in the TWW. I'm trying not to freak out and worry about timing etc. Doc thought the timing was probably pretty good. He said I could use the pr0metrium if it made me feel better (I have some left) and now I just wait. And we all know how good at that I am. Haha.

Change In Plans

Because of course my body can't ever just do what it's supposed to or what I have planned for it. This morning I woke at 8 to go potty and had huge amounts of EWCM. Started to worry about timing and went and got some opks. At 10 this morning it was negative. Since I hadn't went to bed until 4 I went back to sleep and got up at 2:30 this afternoon to again tons of EWCM and a positive opk. This is of course exactly what happened last time I did cl0mid with idiot in Fresno. I was told timing was fine and to keep Mondays appointment. This time I called the doctor (it took my several tries and bleu explaining that it was a pager and I had to leave my number) and got a call back right away. IUI has been changed to 11:30 tomorrow morning. And no trigger. So I'm more relieved about the timing and thrilled that I feel like I was listened to. This was something that was very lacking in my last doctor so it's beyond nice. Now lets see if my jeans still fit since I'm feeling a bit bloated.

Saturday Scattegories

I've seen this the last few weeks on Cali's blog and wanted to play along but haven't taken the time really since I'm usually working on Saturday. So since I'm off work and awake (after 4 freaking hours of sleep but my body is freaking me out) I thought I would do this. So here goes.

Take the first letter of your favorite color and answer to the following:
1) What is your favorite color?

Purple
2) Something you would poke?

Possum (I tried to pet one once, I thought it was a kitty)
3) Something you would reheat?

Peas
4) Something you would carry in your purse?

Pennies
5) Something you would recycle?

Plastic bottles
6) Something you would scream if being attacked?

Yeah that would usually start with an F.

Please as in stop??
7) Something you are wearing right now?

Pink and or panties

8 ) Something that would make you blush?

Pooting in public (isn't that the word they use in Ya-Ya sisterhood?)
9) Something that would cure a bad day?

Pansies
10) Something that you would photograph at the zoo?

Pandas and penguins

Finally Friday

So the scan went ok this afternoon. Although it seems that a follicle has dropped out of the running. Wed I had 3 and maybe 4. Now I have 2 and maybe 3. Oh well. I'm trying not to worry, I only need one. I have 2 at around 18 and one at 15 that they said might make it. I will trigger tomorrow night (yay for subQ injections) and have my IUI on Monday at 1pm. Then the real fun begins. The eternal waiting for the end of two weeks. Ugg. So far I haven't been stressing much about all of this. Of course I also have caught myself thinking of what happens for my next cycle which isn't necessarily thinking positive. So I find myself basically just trying not to think. Which I pretty much suck at too. Turning my head off doesn't always happen easily.
In other news, I have the weekend off. While this feels like a great thing, not having to go to work and all, money wise it sort of sucks. I had mentioned briefly the other day that I hurt my neck at work. I'm pretty sure it's just a pulled muscle and while it gets a bit sore at the end of the day for the most part I'm ok as long as I don't try to turn my head to the left too far. However the doc I saw on Monday wrote for me to be light duty until the 30th when I'm supposed to go back. I had planned on just going to work and being careful not to lift when I realized that I could end up making the whole workmans comp thing a nightmare that way. So I called the hospital and asked and they took me off the schedule for the weekend. Ouch. That paycheck will suck big time. Wouldn't be such a huge problem if I wasn't cycling (hence money going out in somewhat large amounts) and if HS would be paying me the full amount of rent that I had told him I needed which is $500. Somehow (gee I wonder why) I don't think that will be happening. So the next couple of weeks could be poor weeks (rolling change for gas poor) for me. Oh well. I will survive, I always do. I'll just have to juggle a bit.

Back To The Stirrups

My scan today went fine. I had 4 follies but doc said possibly one wouldn't be ready on time. It's too early to do anything but I had figured as much since it's only CD 12 and the last time I did Cl0mid I didn't trigger until like CD15 or something and didn't do the IUI until CD 18. I go back on Friday for another date. In the meantime I feel like I'm trying to find the delicate balance of allowing some hope to take hold without jumping head first into belief which will leave me drowning if it doesn't work. I went out driving last night and found an outlet mall and stopped just for the heck of it. They had a m0therh00d maternity store and I actually caught myself looking in the window and seeing plus size stuff and wanting to go look. Then I reminded myself it's much better to wait until I actually need the clothes. I remember though my first AI which I did at home. At the end of the TWW I went to Seattle to my BFF house and on the way stopped at another outlet mall. I actually went in to the store then and tried stuff on. I even almost bought some of it since I was so sure it had worked. On the first try. How stupid and naive I was. I even bought baby stuff fairly regularly until the IVF went to hell. Now most all of it is stashed away at home in Washington and I do my best to avoid that part of the store. There will be plenty of time to shop once I actually get pregnant and maybe stay that way past the first trimester or so. I sort of miss though that hopefulness. That excitement every cycle thinking this could be the one. I'm not there right now. I am glad to be trying again and I think about the end product (a baby) some but as far as imagining being pregnant in the next few weeks I have not allowed my mind to go there. I instead find myself somewhat obsessively looking for items that could be considered a good luck charm or a fertility charm. Yes again I admit that infertility has made me superstitious. Never was before but I sure am now.
I've been enjoying my days off but I didn't make it to the beach. There is so much smoke around that it's making me a bit crazy. Today after my appointment I headed to San Francisco for a little while. I walked around for a bit but it was much cooler there and I was only wearing a tank top. Plus it was almost as smokey there. Then I had some fish and chips that didn't seem to agree with me much and my head and neck were really bugging me so I headed back home. It was still a nice trip to just go somewhere.
I do have to tell a little story from the other night. I was sitting in my chair totally zoned out as I had taken a muscle relaxer for my neck. So my cat Sara was digging around on my desk. I figured she was trying to steal a pen or something because that is the type of thing she does. So then I see this spider run across my desk, not a very big one but I could see it and she was chasing it and trying to pounce on it. It was trying to run one way and she nearly got it so it turned and took off running the other way, got to the edge of the desk and totally looked like it jumped off the desk trying to get away from Sara. It was like the goofy thing took a flying leap off the desk. Of course then Sara couldn't find it. Me I was too tired to care where it went. It was so funny to watch though from across the room. Probably not nearly as funny if I had been sitting at my desk at which my friends in Washington may have heard me scream.

I Survived Another Week

Barely. Last night was another night from Hell. I have so far since I've been at this hospital had 1 good night. Not a good track record. Last night I had 4 total care patients meaning that they need to be turned every 2 hours along with any other "care" they need. One of those was also a new patient with multiple wounds to be documented. Basically I spent the whole night running. That on top of injuring my neck at work the night before made for a not so fun night. I'm down to counting how many shifts I have left (29). For now I'm off work for the next 4 nights and I'm just going to try to enjoy my time off without thinking of work.
This morning I got my package via fed ex. My hcg injection stuff. And can I just say how much I love fre*ed0m pharmacy? I got all my IVF meds from Schr*afts. They charged for everything, needles, syringes, a sharps box I didn't ask for. So I get my hcg from fre*ed0m and there are 3 syringes and needles in the box and a new sharps box ( I had mentioned that both mine were full) and the only thing I was charged for was the med. Wednesday morning is my date with the dildo cam. I'm actually looking forward to that (no not because my sex life is boring lately) since I want to see how I'm responding. Side effects from cl0mid aren't bad. Basically the usual hot flashes from hell and thats it. I don't know if I'm crazy but I'm excited and hopeful about this cycle. Maybe because it has felt so much the last couple of months like my body is trying to do what it's supposed to.
Tomorrow I'm off to find a beach. A place without smoke would be nice too. There is so much smoke in the air right now it's giving me a sore throat. Yuck.

Work Sucks

The last 2 nights I have been floated to an entirely different hospital. Still a hospital that does not have nurses aides at night and according to a nurse I work with often doesn't have them during the day either. The people were nice but the whole trying to find stuff in a place I'm unfamiliar with while trying to care for patients and discharge someone etc is enough to drive me crazy. The charting is a bit different in a good way which was nice. The thing I'm struggling with is that I hate my job. I keep telling myself that it's this job, not being a nurse. And while I don't love being a med/surg nurse I've never hated my job before now. So I'm hoping this will be a short lived thing. However I'm finding that I spend more time planning my escape from acute care (hospital) nursing.

All Aboard, Here We Go Again

Yes folks hurry and hop on the fertilicoaster, it's just about to leave.
Finally. It's been over 4 months since the IVF, early bleeding, beta hell, early miscarriage and the monster cyst from hell and I'm now finally back in the game. Today is CD5 and I had an appointment this morning for what I thought was just a scan. Turns out they wanted to do a Saline Sonogram on me. At first I didn't want to then figured what the heck, may as well get that out of the way. This all showed a nice smooth uterus and a left ovary that was cyst free. And yes I know that the chances were that it would be gone but in all honesty there was a part of me that was really scared the cyst from Feb would still be there. Thank God no, it's gone. So I left with my script for cl0mid (oh goody) and an appointment for another scan next week. I've now taken my first dose of cl0mid and while I'm dreading the hot flashes I usually end up with I'm basically excited and looking forward to doing something. I also think I have a sperm donor picked out so that's a plus too. As far as the eye color thing, yes I am aware that it won't matter a bit what color my child's eyes are. I like blue eyes and have sort of looked for donors that have similar coloring to me but basically no, not a big issue. However it is something to help sort of narrow down the choices since the only thing I sort of insist on is no allergies. Basically I don't need to add more donors to the list when the list I have already makes my head spin. So I try to stick with blue eyes and fair skin.
Not to much else happening. I did end up getting a shelf thing for some of my craft stuff to go on so I can hopefully get my boxes unpacked. I may hold off on the dresser. At least until I have a better idea of what or where my next step is. So clothes remain in boxes. Oh and the bug guy came and sprayed yesterday for bugs and we didn't have to leave the house. Down side is that maintenance told me today that silverfish are basically a part of life here and there isn't much that can be done. Oh goody. Friday is my birthday and I get to work that night and the nights around it. Fun stuff. Next Tuesday though I may go find a beach for the day. The 24th is the 14th anniversary of my dad's death. Kind of a hard day and I want to spend it by the ocean if I can.

Oh The Things That Bounce Around My Head

I have as usual my brain going in many different directions at once and somethings I'm trying to make decisions on. And below this post is promised pics of flamingos.
First thing is the whole sperm bank issue. I have used Mid*west for the last 3 cycles and when checking into what I needed to do since I've moved and since I've changed doctors I found out that I have to basically redo all my paperwork. Not a huge issue but still. Then I also found out that my donor that I used is in quarantine until at least mid July so I won't be able to use him for this cycle. Enter the groan about having to choose a new donor. The bank will happily send me long profiles of any donor I wish, not a problem but when I mentioned preferring a donor with blue or green eyes, she tells me that her donors with brown eyes have better success. Damn. Now I have to worry about the whole have they been successful thing part too. I had forgotten all of this since the donor I used had several successes that I had found on DSR. Also their shipping rates have increased a bit which is still less than NW when I used them, not a biggie. Their prices for vials is still pretty darn good. Then I started looking at (yes I know I should just not do this as it's like the ice cream shop with 31 flavors, to damn many choices) a more local bank which has significantly higher prices for vials etc. Plus having to pay a registration fee. Basically more cost but they give a bit more info on their site and they offer the option of looking the donor up later. So now not only am I in this dilemma on what donor to pick but I'm also looking at the whole should I change banks. Ugg.
The other thing I'm having a hard time making a decision about is related to the traveling nurse thing. I love it. I love going different places and seeing different stuff but am having a hard time with the wanting to settle in thing. It's the whole I don't travel light well problem. I do know I have to make choices and mostly feel like my choice is made but it's a bit frustrating. I am trying to unpack. I have a bunch of stuff (most of my craft things I brought from home) that I haven't really got anywhere to put them. Plus all my clothes that don't hang up are in boxes on the floor (and I read that the bugs mentioned a couple of posts ago like boxes). I'd really like to go back to I*k*e*a (my new favorite store) and get a shelving unit or two and a dresser. But they become things I basically need to move. Which doesn't sound like a great plan really. However I went to the bulls eye place last night and was just going to get more of those plastic drawer things for my clothes but they cost almost what a dresser would cost at my new favorite store and they seem to break super easy (I lose at least one drawer set every move and have bought several since I've been moving around). Plus I would keep the dresser if I bought it. I also look at it from the point of view that I would really like to find a place and stay put for several contracts which would mean not moving as much but I am fairly certain this is not the place. I seriously doubt I will stay at this hospital for more than the one contract. Which means that come September I will likely be moving again. So do I buy the dresser and a set of shelves or just leave it all in boxes.

Operation Pink Flamingo

So here are a few pics from this weekend. I tried to get several different angles on all the flamingos.

Here we have the one that was in his mail box also. I had a happy birthday balloon tied around it's neck and it had a pair of under shorts on. I think the stuffed one came from that build a bear place where you can dress them and it was dressed in the briefs which was just too funny.

Here you can see the flamingos and the balloons that I tied to the porch. I had only gotten 47 flamingos when I bought them as that was all the store had. So we found two balloons with pink flamingos on them and then the stuffed flamingo and that all made 50.

Fantastic Weekend

Ok so I promise I will try to at least get pics of the flamingos up in the next day or two. If I can make them upload with this damn internet connection. That said, I had so much freaking fun. It was a blast.
I got in on Friday morning and I had the day to just sit around and visit and not do a whole lot. We talked about our plans for operation pink flamingo and how if we did it in the middle of the night we ran a risk of getting caught and not getting to finish what we were doing. So we decided to go over the day before on Saturday afternoon while he was at work and decorate. This ended up being a really good choice since it took about an hour to get all the flamingos out and they weren't that easy to put the legs on etc. Plus we could laugh and giggle etc and boy did we have fun. I got a bunch of pics. We went home and waited for D to call. We figured we would hear from him around 5:30 but apparently he didn't get off work until almost 7. The first thing he said when he called his mom (he still didn't know I was there) was that she did it and that I was some how involved. He kept saying "there's tons of them" and "they're everywhere, they're even in my mail box" since I stuck a stuffed one in his mail box. I sat there trying not to laugh while his mom was talking to him. The next morning the newspaper ad showed up but he didn't notice that until later in the morning when it was pointed out to him. When he got to his moms house for the party I went and hid and then popped out and did the surprise thing. He was shocked. Surprised I was there for his birthday. Then of course I got a surprise too when they brought out a birthday cake for me too. I had thought that maybe we wouldn't include me in the party this year and felt like maybe we shouldn't since D has to share his birthday with me every year (and fathers day) since they are so close and lets face it, we broke up 6 years ago but he doesn't seem to mind and it was a nice surprise for me too. Overall a fantastic day and weekend. So back to work on Thursday and sort of dreading it. Oh well. 11 more weeks.

Bugs

I hate bugs. Spiders are the worst but all bugs in the house just suck. I know they have a purpose of some sort (although you have to wonder just what God was thinking when he created mosquito's and cock roaches) but in the house they do not belong and make me a bit crazy. My new apartment has silverfish. Ewwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had seen 1 a couple days ago. Then I say 2 the day after that. I've seen like 6 tonight. And of course I can't do anything over the weekend since I'll be gone. But next week they need to spray or something which will probably mean that I will have to get me and kitties out of the house. Fun since it's always interesting to find a place to take 2 cats when it's hotter than hell outside. Ugg.

Still Here

Yes, I'm still here. Still hanging in there. I sort of checked out for the last few days in an effort to quiet my mind. It seems to help when I can just shut out as much as possible and bury myself in a good book or two or three and not spend so much time thinking and dwelling on what I dislike about my life. I'm feeling a little better and have permission to start taking my little happy pills again today.
Doctors appointment was yesterday and I'm happy to say it went great. I am very impressed with this doctor and the time he took to listen to me and my concerns and to go over a plan with me. Bleu let me follow her out to the office (so I could figure out where the heck I was going) and introduced me to the doctor and staff which was so nice. Thanks again Bleu. I went over my history with the doc and my thoughts on where I wanted to go next. He wants to do a saline sonogram and some lab stuff but is ok with waiting for July 1 (when my insurance picks up) to do so. He's also ok with my doing at least 2 more IUI cycles. And we're going to use cl0mid. I responded better to this than I did with my injectible cycle so why not. I've only 2 cl0mid cycles so far and I got a chemical on the one so not a big deal. I can start with my next cycle which should start any day now. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy to be back to doing something. Anything. I also spoke with him about the AD use. Previous doc in Fresno wanted me off them completely. Great in theory but not so great in reality. New doc was ok with and even thought it could help if I was taking them. While I was at home I had my regular doctor give me a script for z0l0ft instead of pr0zac since I knew that was the preferred one. I will go fill it today and start taking it. Hopefully I can get a better handle on my moods which have been shitty.
Otherwise not much going on. I've worked a lot in the last week so that I can have this coming weekend off. I fly home on Friday for The Birthday party and operation pink flamingo. I'm excited about that.
Job stuff sort of sucks. My first week in and I am so not impressed with this job. I keep telling myself that I felt that way my first contract at Fresno and even the first couple of weeks at SB but this just seems overwhelming. The bad thing is that it's my fault. I had seen huge red flags when the nurse manager interviewed me and I ignored them since I felt I needed to come to Sacramento. Big red flags. Things such as there are usually no nurses aides at night which means that I have to do everything for 5 patients. If there is a patient who is a total care, needs turning etc it is next to impossible to keep up with turning the patient every 2 hours, all my paper work, vitals and all the other patient needs. I've left late almost every morning. Other things don't get done. I'm left feeling like a bad nurse since I can't possibly provide the care I want to provide to my patients. Right now I feel like I can't wait to get out of this hospital. I'm not sure how this will affect TTC in the future but as of right now it is doubtful I will stay at this hospital more than 1 contract. Hopefully I can find another hospital that works better. In the meantime I just keep telling myself that it's only 13 weeks. That is all I have to do. And now I'm down to almost 11 after the lovely split shift today. I have computer class this morning from 9-1pm and then work from 11pm to 7am. Yuck. But then tomorrow I get ready to go home for a couple more days which will all be good.

No Pics

Yet.
I tried to upload them on Tuesday night and of course my Veriz0n wireless connection booted me. So I won't be able to upload pics to flickr or my blog until I get a new internet connection. And I don't know for sure if that will happen before I head back home for operation pink flamingo or not. I will get pics up as soon as possible but just not yet.
I have an appointment next Tuesday with the doctor here. I'm excited, anxious etc. I'm ready to get going again and scared that it just isn't going to happen.
Not sure what I think of work yet. Not really liking my manager at all. I suppose we'll see. Otherwise I'm having a bit of a hard time. I'm really feeling down lately. I know that part of it is homesickness but I also know that part or a lot of it is more depression. I'm not coping great with every day stuff or the shit in my head. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge and it bothers me. So for the next few days I will continue to try to deal.

I So Get It...

No, not sperm unfortunately. I found I*k*e*a yesterday. I admit that in the past I've never understood the draw of that place. I remember seeing a catalog years ago and thinking it didn't look that spectacular. So yesterday was my first time ever going to the store. And I get it. I get how you can go in there and spend HOURS. We will not talk about how many hours or how much money I spent there. I will say however that I have a new chair and a few other things for around my house not to mention a list of other needs/wants. I'm still not totally unpacked as I have a ton of stuff with no place to put it. I had shelves and baskets at home for my craft stuff and didn't bring them with me. I suppose I might have to go back to I*kea to figure out a new idea. And my inability to travel light gets even more pronounced. I also still haven't found my cell phone charger which is annoying me. I think I've lost it. I remember at home thinking I hadn't seen it in a couple of days and thought I had packed it away but I can't find it in any of the boxes either. Leaving me to wonder if HS picked it up on accident thinking it was his. I did check kitchen, living room and spare bedroom before I left and didn't see it.
I did the hospital orientation today which was freaking long. 10 hours. On my ass, listening to someone gabber at me about stuff I've heard before. Oh goody. Oh and on like 5 hours of sleep since I again couldn't sleep last night. I hope that all gets better soon. I'm tired of not being able to sleep.
The ovulation pain or whatever was gone by yesterday. Oh and I got a statement from my insurance for the U/S back in March a month after being in the hospital. $437 to look at my damn ovary. Whatever.
I got an estimate today on fixing the couple of things in my house that need to be fixed. It was a bit more than I had hoped but seems to be fairly accurate. I had some tiles fall off the wall in the bathroom and have some mold behind them and that needs to be fixed. The problem is that I didn't seem to keep the tiles (my theory being that I wanted all of the ugly things off the wall so why keep them) so I have to do some modifying since there is no way I will ever get replacement tiles. Oops. Still it's all stuff that needs to be done.
Not too much else going on for me. I still don't have my schedule past this week so I haven't made an appointment yet. Hopefully I will have that tomorrow. Then to figure out the next step. I'm so anxious to take that next step too. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines already.