Happy Halloween!!

Well, it's Halloween again. I have no candy in my house but then I don't know yet (at 5:11pm) whether I'm working tonight or not. If I don't work then I'll be making a quick run to the store for a bag of candy. I never got to celebrate Halloween as a child although when I was 23 I did dress up, borrow my friends daughter and went trick or treating for the first and only time in my life. I think about how maybe next year I could have a baby. I hope I do. I want to experience things like Halloween through the eyes of a child. The excitement of what costume, going trick or treating. I have a fantasy of having my child dressed up, me dressed up and the dog dressed up and all of us going out through the neighborhood trick or treating. Crazy maybe as poor Sadie would possibly go crazy with excitement of all those people but there anyways.
For today? I took my last birth control pill. I hope I never have to take another one again. The Lupr0n seems to be going fine. I've had a couple of low grade just sort of there headaches but I was getting those before on the bcp's so who knows. Hopefully it will remain ok. Then next Wednesday I start stims. I'm still all itchy and nutty about that but next week when I start stims I also start the decadr0n so hopefully that will help with the itchy part. Funny back in the spring I purchased a box of anti itch cream from C0stc0 which had like 5 tubes of itch cream. I remember thinking how stupid it was to buy that much but I didn't want to go search out another store to buy just one tube. So far I've used like 2.5 of the tubes.
There is a sick kitty in my parking lot of my apartment complex. It's very thin, can hardly walk and just sits huddled up. I tried to pet it to see if it was ok (then came in and washed my hands super well) and it tried to get away from me but didn't go far. It makes my heart hurt to see this poor miserable kitty. I wish I could take it to a vet to either make it better or stop it's pain. It looks too sickly to really belong to much of anyone. I feel so bad for it. I did take some food out and put it down but I don't think it was that interested. I don't know what else to do though.

Lupron Day And Other Busy Stuff

I started my Lupr0n today!!!! So exciting. And before you all think I've totally gone off the deep end, it's just exciting to finally feel like I'm doing something again. I also finally received the last of my meds today which was exciting too. Of course I got syringes, more alcohol swabs and gauze pads. I swear I'm going to have to come up with some sort of art project for them I've got so many. I think I read a blog where someone else tried to do that already. I have one entire counter full of stuff.
Also in other big news today, I had a job interview today in Fresno. I don't know for sure yet but I really think it went pretty well. They actually called me back right after I had left to ask me a question about would I be ok with a certain scheduling and I'm thinking that if they weren't considering me they wouldn't have called me back to ask about that. So I guess we'll see. It was sort of interesting because the position I had applied for was a day shift and I was trying to figure out how I would go about getting used to working days again and come to find out they have a night position open also. So I ended up interviewing for both positions. I'm not totally sure how I will work all the expenses etc if I do get the job as I'll have to move back down to Fresno but I am sure I will figure it out somehow. If I do get the job I'm also going to see if I can figure out how to get Sadie back down here with me when I go home for Thanksgiving. I have no idea what it costs to fly a dog but I guess we'll see. I miss my doggy.
UPS delivered some of my meds today and they are so freaking lazy. I had left a note on my door asking them to leave the package with the office since I didn't want it sitting out on my porch all day. All they would have had to do is walk down the stairs and the office is right there. No, they left it on the porch. So glad it was still there. The post office is getting way more expensive to ship stuff lately too. I had a medium sized box that had 4 shirts in it, weighed like 3 pounds. Cost me almost $15 to ship. I hadn't charged that much on the auction for shipping. Oops. I'm going to have to be better about that. Gas on the other hand has gotten way cheaper. I am pretty sure that a week ago I paid $3.19 a gallon right before I went to 0akland but today I paid $2.69 a gallon. That's a huge drop. Nice though. About time it got more affordable.
I've noticed something lately in many of the books I've read. Many of them have had some sort of theme of infertility in them. It's not usually the main story line but it's in there somewhere. Does this mean that maybe people are becoming more aware? However I also watched H0use last night which is a show that amuses me although one that I don't see as being realistic at all. I have NEVER seen a doctor who does all the work themselves like they do. Anyways, last night was an adoption theme (although he said something about you gave up on IVF) and he was very derogatory about it. Now I know his character is like that about everything but yet I felt myself bristling anyways to the direction it all was going. Although I was intrigued by the ending.
Not to much else going on. Trying to keep busy and not think or worry too much about the upcoming IVF. I'm still feeling really optimistic about it and hope that feeling doesn't go away.

How To Be A True Shop-a-holic

So I was going through some of my stuff tonight and listing some things on ebay. Which by the way took absolutely freaking forever. I don't know if the problem is with my computer or ebay but it was taking close to an hour to list one item. Anyways, getting rid of a few things that I don't wear, use or whatever. Stuff that usually I've bought impulsively since that's what a shop-a-holic does. And yes I'm still trying to reform my ways but that's beside the point. So. Going through stuff. I had a couple of bracelets that I don't wear and decided to list on ebay. Hell, one was still in it's original packaging. Then I got to looking. Oh shit. I had bought the same exact bracelet twice and it wasn't even a design I loved. How sad is that. I had gotten the first one a little over a year ago when I was in Fresno. I think I actually got it free as I had bought 2 clearance items at this store and they gave me a third free. Then when I was in Houston back in March meeting other bloggers I managed to buy the same bracelet there. That folks is the true measure of a shop-a-holic. And really pathetic to boot.

No Show and Tell

I have no interesting pics of anything this week. I haven't been getting out much lately. Other than last weeks trip to the job fair and I didn't take my camera that day. Yes, my life is a bit boring right now.
But!! Wednesday I start my Lupr0n injections. I'm torn between being excited (yes I know I'm completely crazy to be excited to give myself shots) and a little worried about how I'll react to the Lupr0n. Hope it's not too bad. Then a week later I start my stims. Yippee!!! This month has went by quickly thank goodness. Even in spite of me not working enough. Which leads me to other things going on in my mind. My job isn't working. It just pretty much sucks. I have had 2 weeks total since I started doing this where I have gotten my full amount of hours. So much for making enough money to pay cash for this cycle. My other recruiter called me on Thursday of last week and was going to start looking for positions for me. And for a little bit I was excited. The thought of going back to Santa Bar*bara is I think what did it for me. Then I got to thinking about packing all of this stuff back up again and moving it all plus all the associated expense with that. Then the possibility of doing it all again 3 months later or whatever. Which is all about enough to make me go completely insane. I don't want to do it. Which means that I think it's maybe time to consider looking at a staff position somewhere and stopping with the traveling. I still don't really feel like I can go home because the pay sucks so bad there and I don't know what job I would do there. Plus the idea of going home in the winter pretty much sucks too. Then I was talking to one of the nurses at work last night. And the pay rate here is surprising, like at least $20 an hour more than home. The charge nurse told me they had a position open and that I should apply. So I did. I don't know if I will get the job, or if I will take it if I do. But I'm going to at least apply and see. I also applied for several other positions too so I will have some comparisons at least. And who knows what will happen but at least I'm looking at different options for now.

New Books

There are some new books listed up on The Batty Book Exchange. Go take a look and see if you see something you're interested in.

Moving Along

Well things here in my world seem to be moving right along. Work has been rather sucky just because there hasn't been any of it. I worked 12 hours last week and so far have worked 12 hours this week. This of course at a time when I really need the hours.
I ordered my super spermies on Tuesday so they will be shipped next week. I even was able to get my favorite donor once again. Yay!!!! I stop taking bcp's next Friday, I start taking Lupr0n on Wednesday of next week. Wow!! I am still trying to get the meds part such as the Lupr0n, Viv*elle, and PIO worked out. My insurance is supposed to cover up to $1500 of my meds and of course they are digging in their heels and trying not to cover it. Yesterday I found out they don't contract with Free*d0m and so I had to move everything over to a different pharmacy and now I'm waiting for them to rush the approval through on that one to see if it will be covered. If I haven't heard anything by Monday then I will probably end up having to pay cash for it all since like I said, I need it all by Wednesday. I hate insurance companies sometimes. Even if you have the freaking coverage they still try to get out of paying stuff.
I went to a career fair in Oakland yesterday and while the career fair wasn't the best I had ever been to I had a nice day anyways. There weren't very many hospitals at the fair and there were TONS of new grads and soon to be new grads looking for jobs and talking to recruiters. I remember being there and was so glad I'm not there now. After that I had lunch with Millie and had a great time visiting with her and then went and walked around an outdoor mall which was really fantastic since the weather was sooooo nice. I even got a cupcake (or 2) at a cupcake shop and that was fantastic too.
Other than that not much new going on. Right now I'm wondering if I will work tonight or not.

U.T.E.R.U.S.

I am as always amazed by the support and friendships that I have gained and observed in the last 2 years since I started blogging. I have had the opportunity to get to know both on line and in real life an amazing group of generous women who are all part of the land of infertility blogging. Last spring the IF blog community got together and created U.T.E.R.U.S. to help put together enough money for fellow blogger Cali to do her FET. Now the folks at U.T.E.R.U.S. are working again to help two families in need.
Mel over at Stirrup Queens explains the need of the two families that are this fall's U.T.E.R.U.S. project along with a few of the ways that anyone could possibly help out this fantastic cause. In addition to the ebay auctions, etsy shops, cash donations etc, an anonymous blogger has issued a challenge that she will match, dollar for dollar any amount made through ebay auction, the etsy site, or direct donations. So I've been trying to figure out how I could help contribute to this amazing project and came up with something I want to donate to the etsy shop.
Several years ago I started rubber stamping. I made cards. Lots of cards. For EVERY holiday I could. Through the years I've had a few extras here and there when I made more than I sent out and they've all been collecting in a box. I just happened to bring that box back down here to California in June when I had went home. So the other night I went through the cards and decided to donate them. After a bunch of e-mails back and forth with IO we decided the best way to list these on Etsy was in groups of 5 to 10. I was told that they will go up on the etsy site tomorrow on October 22. However since I have about 20 different designs available it was hard to figure out how to list all of the different designs. So what was decided (and I hope I get this right) was to list a few samples on the etsy shop site and then I uploaded pics of all the cards available to my flickr page along with a description of what is stamped on the inside of the card and how many of the card I have. Some of the cards I only have 1 or 2, others I have like 15. So hopefully this will give anyone who is interested in buying a set of cards the chance to pick which ones they want. So, go over and visit the Etsy store and see what's available and also head on over to my flickr page to see what cards are available. All of the cards will come with envelopes that fit the card. So, go check it out and see if you're interested in getting yourself some handmade holiday cards or head on over to Stirrup Queens to see if you can help out in some other way.

Tree Porn For Cali

So Cali asked a few weeks ago for those of us in other climates to post pictures of our local trees in all their fall glory. I had to wait a bit since it's warmer so it's taking a bit longer for the trees to start turning. So, here are the trees I've found in the last few days Cali. I hope you enjoy.

Show and Tell

My show and tell for this week are they yummy and gorgeous pomegrantes that I got at Costco the other day. They had six in a box and they are huge! I think these are the biggest I've ever seen and I just couldn't resist them although I don't know if I'll manage to make it through all of them. I did give one to a lady in the office at my apartment complex because she said her daughter loved them. So 5 left. They are so good and juicy.



Oops, I almost forgot again. If you want to play along with show and tell this week or see what others are showing go on over to Mel's and join in the fun.

Not My Usual Post

So I don't really tend to talk about politics etc on my blog. I'm maybe even a little reluctant to post this now since I may be opening my blog to all sorts of negativity but I'll post anyways. I often only talk about it to a few people whom I know very well anyways. I suppose I don't trust myself to sound educated enough to discuss it with just anyone. I grew up being taught that I wasn't to become involved in politics or even allow myself to have an opinion as politics, their beliefs and goals etc were all directed by the devil according to my mom and her specific brand of religion. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I even started to have an interest and into my mid 30's where I feel I have a very strong interest. However I will admit that most of my interest isn't so much in politics themselves but the human aspects of it that end up being a part (sometimes a very large part) of the campaigns. So I've read three different blogs today that had posts about McCain and what he had to say during the debate about abortions for health reasons. I will say that all three of these other bloggers: Flotsam, A Little Pregnant, and Uppercase Woman probably stated it all a lot more eloquently than I am going to here. I will also admit that I didn't watch the entire debate but have watched the portion in question. The part about abortion. The part where John McCain minimizes actual life and death situations by using the hand quotes and a tone of voice that to me clearly said how he felt about the whole health reasons for abortion topic. It was frustrating, maddening, degrading and made me want to scream and throw things. Yes I am pro choice. I haven't always been since I was raised to see everything in life as completely black and white or right and wrong. Since I've become an adult though I've come to see that much of life has many shades of grey. I don't necessarily think that abortion is a good form of birth control however I believe that if we put limits on who can have abortions then we are creating a situation where individuals whose lives will not be affected by the decision to actually make the decision. I'm not bothered by people being pro life although I am bothered by their tactics often. I was a bit appalled at what seemed like a cold hearted statement by Palin that she wouldn't care if her daughter had been raped, she still wouldn't want her to have an abortion. I think this is like I said a bit cold hearted but if that's her belief then I can respect that it's her belief. What I have a HUGE problem with is the fact that many of those who are pro life are attempting to force their beliefs on every one. There are those who believe that abortion is wrong no matter what the reason, that if it's a matter of death for the mother the mother should of course choose her child's life over her own. I have no problem if you choose this for yourself. I don't want this choice to be made for me by someone who has never met me, does not know me and whose life will not be affected by the choice. I don't want someone telling me that it's just too bad that my daughter was raped (theoretically speaking of course) that she still needs to carry that baby to term. You can make choices for yourself and I will respect those choices but please do not insist that I live by your beliefs. Do not insist that because you believe that God is unable or unwilling to ever see a reason for abortion that I should also believe the same. I don't believe the same.
I feel very similarly about gay marriage. Why does two people whom you've never met and likely will never have a relationship with affect your marriage or the sanctity of marriage in general. I guess I should explain that maybe a little more. My thoughts are that if you are someone who truly and passionately believes that being gay or lesbian is a sin you are not likely to befriend someone who is gay or lesbian. You may know someone from work or else where but I don't see that they would be a close friend to you. At least this is how I was raised to believe. They may be an acquaintance but never a close friend. So if they aren't someone who is a close friend how does it affect you if they marry? I've heard complaints that they are teaching gay marriage as being acceptable in public schools. Ok but they also teach evolution in public schools, something which can be distasteful to many. However if you are providing education at home about your beliefs to your children and discuss what might be taught then you can still maintain your beliefs. However why is it necessary to outlaw or prevent people you have never met from marrying simply because you believe it to be wrong and to be a sin. I've heard people quote the bible, "Well it says in the bible that homosexuality is an abomination" That is YOUR belief. Not mine. You believe the bible to be the word of God. I tend to think it's a nice book of fables that may have some decent life lessons but also needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Again, just because the Christian evangelicals believe something is wrong or a sin, why must they try to force everyone else to live by their beliefs. I don't share those beliefs and I don't want to. I don't care if you believe gay marriage is wrong. If you do, don't go marry someone of the same sex. Please though quit insisting that everyone else agree with you.
Maybe these two issues are not viewed as being that political. However they are in that they are being made part of the political campaign. I've worked for someone in the past presidential election who made their vote based on the candidates position on abortion and gay marriage. Many more will continue to use these two topics as a way to see who they feel is most capable of being president and to me this is just scary and frustrating.

Yucky Birth Control Pills

They suck. I've been feeling so bloated and yucky today. Then of course the moodiness too. That's fun. Oh and the itchiness too. It's getting worse. Even more fun.
So a month or more ago I did one of those site meter things and finally this week figured out how to go look at where people were looking at my blog from. And of course this worried me some. It's sort of interesting to see that someone from Spokane looked at my blog. Hi Jan. And I saw a St. Maries, Id. which quite possibly is my friend A who I used to work NICU with in Spokane. But the other day there was a Farmington, Mn. Now today there was a Rochester and somewhere else in Mn. and also a St. Paul. So, I have family in Mn. And I'd rather they not be reading my blog. Although I don't think I've really said anything here on my blog that I wouldn't say to their face (especially mom) but still. Oh well. The down side of being in a public space. It does make me curious though who in Mn is checking in.

All Systems Go!!

Well the scan is done and everything is good to go!!! Yay!!! I'm so excited. Lining was nice and thin and I had plenty of antral follicles that were nice and small. I can use the meds that are just a little past expiration which means that with what I have so far and with the stuff I still have coming I should be pretty much covered on my stim meds. Also as far as I'm concerned these are all lucky meds! The fact that all my FSH and men0pur has been donated from other women who have had positive cycle is not only a huge financial help but as far as I'm concerned there has to be something lucky about that. They are ordering my Lu*pr0n, Vi*velle and PIO which my insurance should cover. Also for the last cycle I ended up with a horrible rash from all the meds. The clinic in Fresn0 tried to tell me that it couldn't be from the meds as that's not a side effect but I've found other references to this. I noticed that I've already started itching some and this morning noticed a bit of a rash also. So I asked about this and happened to mention that for my last IVF the days when I was taking the steroid I felt much better. So I will be starting the steroid early this cycle on the day I start the stims. This is a relief to me since the itching just about drives me crazy. So a great appointment all the way around. I'm so excited about my upcoming cycle. I feel hopeful and positive and like I actually have a chance here. Now I just hope that feeling doesn't end.
Oh and one other super fun thing that happened. While I was in the waiting room I was looking at a copy of Conceive magazine and they had a page about bloggers and Mel was listed on that page!! I got to tell everyone I know her!! I met her in person and was able to give her a hug!!

Annoying

So there are times when I realize that all my baby making talk and infertility conversations may become annoying or boring to those around me. I am aware of this and do try to tame it down unless it's people I really know well. It's hard for me sometimes but I do try. Last night I worked with another nurse who made me wonder if I was that freaking annoying all the time. She drove me fucking crazy. First off she comes in (in full makeup already) and proceeds to spend the first half hour of her shift applying more make up. By the time she finished she resembled a dark haired version of Tam*my Fa*ye Ba*ker complete with tons of mascara. Hell the eyelashes looked fake when she came in and she added more mascara. So then she proceeds to spend the rest of the night talking about how she needs to get skinny, how she plans to lose 40 pounds in 2 weeks using some gimmick diet or another plus some diet pills of some sort that she complained make her sick all night long. It was all I could do to not say something along the lines of "or maybe you could try eating healthy and exercise." I know. I'm fat myself. And I know what I need to do to remedy that. The fact that I don't really do it or at least not consistently has nothing to do with what I know and I know that the answer does not lie in some fad diet or another. Then she gets a call from her sister and spends like an hour on the phone talking to her sister about her boy friend whose talking marriage after a couple of months, the guy she was doing at home, her plans to get skinny and how she can't wait to marry rich so she can quit working, while I sit there caring for babies and listening to alarms ring that she completely ignores. Then she tries to tell me how to hold the syringe to draw blood. Stupid I know but that was the straw that broke the camels back. I'm guessing I have a lot more experience drawing blood since I did it exclusively for 5 years, 3 of which were in the hospital and included babies. And yes I'm aware that I'm hormonal, a wee bit bitchy and all that but seriously. This girl was so much more concerned about herself than her care of the infants we were caring for. How do people like this end up as nurses. Seriously how do you get there? I hope I never have to work with this chick again or I may have to find a place to hide the body.

Monday Again

So I ended up not working last night. I was ok with that. I was tired and wanted another night. So I got a bit more housework done. I actually vacuumed my apartment. Dishes are done and so is the laundry. For another week anyways. Then I slept all night. After having slept all day. That felt good. I've had to have my heat on the last two nights as it gets way too cold in my apartment without it. Funny thing is that I have a fireplace and I was thinking last night how cool it would be to use it. However I can't decide if it's worth cleaning it out after I use it. Also I have to admit that I have absolutely no idea how to start a fire in the fire place. I worry that in my ignorance I just might burn the place down. Maybe I should skip the fire place.
I also got my plane ticket to go home for Thanksgiving!!! I am so excited!! I can't wait. For turkey and fun and chosen family.
Now maybe I should go catch a nap before I get the call for work tonight.

I Survived

My 56 hour week. I'm pretty much wiped out but I did it. How do people do this on a regular basis? Holy shit I'm tired. And sore. So tonight (Saturday) is my night off and then I'm back to being available for Sun, Mon and Tues. Tonight I have sat on my hiney and watched all the shows I've DVR'd for the week. My apartment is a pit but I don't have the energy to do much with it. I've cleaned the kitchen a bit and done some laundry and run the dishwasher and that's about it. Not much else is going to get done unless I don't work tomorrow night.
The weather here is definitely getting cooler and I'm sort of amused by this. First off at the beginning of the week I was still using my AC a bit during the day so I could sleep. Now I'm about ready to turn my heat on!! Which brought me to the conclusion (which I have suspected for a while) that I have pretty much acclimated to California weather. When I came to Ca. a few years ago I remember thinking it was ungodly hot and miserable. Now I find that unless I'm in the direct sun (which I try to avoid with my fair skin) I don't usually mind the heat that much. This morning coming home from work I kept thinking "damn it's cold" and it was only like 50 degrees. I think it's colder than that at home.
I've got my baseline scan for my IVF on Wednesday of this week. And for some reason I'm anxious about this. Maybe because I'm a bit of a freak. For some reason I keep having these reoccurring thoughts along the lines of "what if they see something that prevents me not only from going forward with my IVF now but ever?" Yup, see a freak. I don't know why but that's the kind of thing that goes through my mind. I try my best to just ignore it all. In the meantime I'm noticing a bit of the bitchiness that goes along with the bcps. Fun stuff. I've also noticed that I'm starting to itch again just a little bit. Even better. Hopefully it's just dry skin and I don't end up with a rash again. I've gotten a few offers for donated meds which are greatly appreciated. Thanks so much to those who have offered. I'm still not totally sure how much I still need but will post again when I know more. Thank you again everyone!!
I think this week I will just sit back and watch everyone elses show and tell since I don't have much to show. Except pictures of my cats or more of the (baby related) Daisy Kingdom stuff I've found.

So Tired

I am so tired. I've worked 4 nights so far this week and could possibly (and probably will) end up working tonight too. That will leave me 56 hours for the week if I work tonight too. I really dislike working that many hours but for now I have to and I'm trying so hard to tell myself to quit wishing to be cancelled. I did have a great moment at work last night though that I had to share. I was doing my stuff and giving out meds and a family member of a patient stopped to talk to me and ask some questions about a few things. I answered her questions and then she mentioned that she wouldn't be able to stay long as she needed to get home. She has a new baby after trying for 16 years. Of course that just about made me teary to hear that and I told her how happy I was for her and that I had been trying for 2 years. So we sat and talked for several minutes about treatments, doctors etc. She was so nice and for me it's always nice to hear about the happy endings. Yes I am aware they don't occur for everyone but I still love to hear about them.
Now if I don't get myself to bed it's going to be an incredibly long night tonight.

Uncomfortable

Ok so here's where I do something that I am not very comfortable doing but thought I would put this out there at least and see what happens. I was very fortunate to receive left over medications from Bleu to go towards my upcoming IVF cycle. I'm still a bit short on what I will need for the cycle but until I get final word from my clinic as to what I need I'm not sure how much short. I am guessing I will need some additional men0pur (maybe 10 vials) and either some f0llistim or g0nal f although I'm not sure how much yet of that. So I thought I would put this out there to see if any one did have any left over amounts or whatever that they would like to get out of their fridge or off their kitchen/bathroom counter. Feel free to leave me a comment or to send me an e-mail. My e-mail is available in the about me link on the side bar.

Just Another Day

So I actually worked 2 nights in a row. Of those though one night was only an 8 hour shift. It was sort of nice to get to miss morning traffic and go home at 4:30 in the morning though. I've also worked NICU the last 2 nights. Now I remember why I quit doing that. Probably a good thing I didn't get that job in Fresn0 even though I really thought I wanted it. I don't love NICU. I can do it once in a while but I don't really want to do it all the time. They've only given me the easy infants to care for but still not my thing.
Also yesterday was finally CD1 complete with horrible cramps. My cycle seem to be getting longer for some reason. I don't know if it's just because of the stress in my life lately or what but my cycle that used to be like 28 days has been 30 for at least the last 2 months. Tomorrow I start my bcps which I will take until sometime around the end of the month. Around the end of October I will start my Lupr0n. I've never done that before so this should be an interesting change.
Not much else going on for me. Just work and sleep.

Show And Tell

This week for show and tell I'm going to show some of my favorite ebay finds. Even though lately I'm making myself stay away from ebay. Anyways, a couple of months ago I had mentioned that back in the spring I had started finding some stuff on ebay that I had loved from a store in Portland. The store was called Daisy Kingdom and they closed a few years back. For a while before they closed they had started selling the patterns and fabric in wally's world and many other places other than just in Portland. Years ago though when I lived in Portland I had gotten some great stuff at warehouse sales. I used to get the fabric iron ons and the decorate sweatshirts with puff paints and sell them. I got several very fancy dresses for my little sister when she was really young. And I had gotten some Christmas stuff. I had one year found christmas stockings and a tree skirt that a friend of mine put together for me. Several years later when I was still working so hard to please my mom and trying to be the good Jeh0vahs witn*ess I gave the tree skirt away to another friend and I believe the stocking went to my friend who put it together for me. Now since I've failed miserably at the whole good J*W a couple years ago I started trying to replace my stuff from e-bay. I found the stockings first, then some placemats and a wall hanging panel. I still have to put them all together so I guess maybe that is my project for the winter. I'm also still looking for the tree skirt which I've never been able to find but maybe someday. So here are some pictures of the Christmas stuff I've gotten so far. I've also gotten some baby crib quilt panels that are fantastic but just so you don't all think I'm a crazy infertile (who keeps buying baby stuff) I'll wait a while to post all those.
So, here is the wall hanging panel. The bunny is named Nina Noel and I just love this stuff.
This is the panels for the 2 stockings. I can actually make just one using both panels for one or make 2. I will probably make 2.

Here's a close up of the pictures on the stockings.

Here's the placemats. I have a bunch of these, way more than I need placemats so I may try to make pillows or something with them.

So if anyone else wants to play along with show and tell this week you can go to Mel's blog and join in the fun.

Thank You

Thanks to everyone who contributed kind words or some gentle advice. It is all greatly appreciated. I feel better about my decision now to move ahead with my cycle in November. No the timing may not be perfect but how many people are able to have a baby or try to have a baby at the perfect time. If I didn't do the IVF in November and waited until March and then it didn't work in March I would also feel bad and wonder if it would have worked in November. So. Here I go. AF should be here any day and then start the awful bcp's. But 3 weeks or so of them isn't too bad. A contribution from Bleu of left over meds will help it all along a whole bunch. Thank you soooo much. In the meantime I'll just keep working on the eating plan which goes great some days and not so great other days. A work in progress I guess. Thanks again everyone. I have no idea what I would do without you all.

Stress And Second Thoughts

This one is a little long and even typing it or slowing down and making myself voice all of this makes me cry. All stuff that's been bouncing around my head for days and contributing to the insomnia that started a few weeks ago. However the voicing it while potentially healing is also oh so scary.
So the last few days have been stressful. As usual with many things going on in my head. The work thing so far isn't working out like I had planned or hoped. My recruiter keeps telling me not to worry yet that it will all still be ok but I'm still stressed. Sunday night I worked and it was a bit of a nightmare. The one hospital I work at usually has me work just general med surg which I'm fine with. The last couple of times I've worked there though they have put me in a unit that is basically a step down (just below ICU) unit. I was given patients that were 3 and 4 days post op open heart surgery. I had told them I wasn't ACLS or telemetry certified (usually required for these units) and they told me they didn't care. I felt out of my element but the charge nurse was helpful and it was all ok at least on the shifts I worked. So Sunday night I go to work, back to the step down unit and the charge nurse who is there has a fit that I'm not tele or ACLS certified and basically tells me don't plan on staying. His right, I don't blame him as I never thought I should have been floated there in the first place. However it left me feeling uncomfortable anyways. It's a big long story but the short version is that I ended up working as break relief all night which meant I hardly sat down all night while I did everyone elses little tasks so they could sit and do their charting. I could barely move by the time I got home. Also the hospital trying to say that with me not being ACLS certified it's difficult for them to find me med/surg shifts (which wasn't a problem when I was a traveler). They have called me off the last 2 nights. I don't know if this will continue to happen or what the deal is. I'm now being marketed to them as being primarily post partum with the option of special care nursery thrown in or the occasional med surg shift. I don't really care. I'd rather work post partum than med surg anyways. However it's been stressful to say the least. I'm also not really enjoying the whole idea of not knowing whether I will be working that night until 5-5:30 in the evening when I have to be there by 7.
Then there is the other stuff stressing me out. Like the IVF. Which I want to do so badly I ache. It feels like all I can think about. I worry that with each passing month it's becoming more unlikely that this will work with my own eggs. I worry they are aging faster than I am and that it may not work. This makes me want to do this sooner rather than later. My plan all along had been to be able to pay cash for this since I still haven't paid off my last one. I had planned to start saving back in June but then the neck injury with time off and then the couple of weeks off between contracts and I don't have much saved. So I had planned to work my ass off for part of September and all of October and see what I could do. But I haven't been getting as many hours as I had hoped for or planned for and I don't honestly know if I would be able to work them all if I was getting them as my fibro has been crazy the last week or so. At this point the best I can hope for is to save maybe a third of it by the time I have to pay the money and then I should get $2K back at some point afterwards. I have plenty of credit that it wouldn't be an issue and that I wouldn't have a problem paying my bills but I wouldn't have both IVF's paid off before I had a baby if this works. This basically means that I probably couldn't go back to Washington permanently once the baby is here at least not for a while although I have been torn for a while about whether I want to (yes Bleu I know how you feel about this but I'm still not completely convinced). I couldn't afford living there as I will almost likely never make that good of money at home. Also is the worry that if I end up on bed rest or something I couldn't make my house payment, right now I'm fine but if I wasn't working it would be a different story. I would rather sell my house then lose it via foreclosure. Problem is that the house is on the market and not selling. I did just drop my price but I don't know if it will be enough especially with the current market. Part of that problem is the closing fee/realtor costs I'd have to pay. That's like 17K of my price. I have been getting more money from HS although it's been late every month however after looking at some stuff online this could possibly affect my tax stuff in that I may not be considered to have a home location for tax purposes which could become an issue. I need to look into that more. So my thoughts on my house are that while I love my little house I also feel tied down to it. I was so excited to buy a house and couldn't wait to work on it and do things to make it my own. However when I was at home I couldn't afford to do anything with it. I couldn't afford much in the line of maintenance or updates because my pay sucked there. Now it sort of scares me to have it as it's another payment and it complicates me deciding what I want to do. In all honesty if someone told me that I would never have children I seriously doubt I would move back to Washington. I would go home and visit but I don't think I'd move back there if it was just me. If I had a child I would want them to be around my chosen family more often and I miss my chosen family a lot but I don't miss winter and I like it in California.
So. I'm trying to realistically look at my options right now. And I think I would like some input but I think I'm also scared to ask for it (but I'm asking anyways) since you all will possibly think I'm crazy. Here are the options I can come up with, some reasonable, some maybe not so much.
1. I can just go ahead as planned and figure that some way everything will work out as it always has before in my life.
2. I can hold off on the IVF until at least March to see if I can manage to save enough money to pay cash for this although if I end up moving again with another travel assignment which will likely happen I could lose the 2K of insurance for the IVF and it would cost me a bunch again in moving expenses. This option makes me a little bit crazy as I worry that by March I will be not much closer to affording this and still have older eggs.
3. I could consider doing the IVF but freezing stuff until I'm in a better position financially although this sounds a bit like a crazy idea with a bigger possibility of a negative outcome. What if they don't survive yada yada yada. Last time I only had 3 embryos worth doing anything with I have no idea what this cycle would bring.
4. I wonder about other options for my house. If I rent it out I won't get the amount of my payment and I'd have to pay storage fees for all my stuff. As much as I like and appreciate my friend the realtor I wish I could just sell the house for what I owe and maybe the cost of the windows I put in last year (I do think I could get that out of it). I have no idea how to go about that or if it's possible.
5. Theoretically I suppose we could reason that I could just give up and quit TTC. Mentally and emotionally I'm not there and don't think I could live with this option at this point. Maybe someday but not now.
So, that's where I'm at. And as much as I know it's maybe not the best idea I want so badly to go with option 1. I want this so bad I feel like I can't even function without thinking of my next move. That everything I do is for this. So as much as it scares me a bit to ask I guess I'm asking for some gentle input. And Jan I suppose I may know what your thinking but I can't just give up.