Back To Work And SB Tomorrow

Well, after a great several days I am on my way back to SB and work tomorrow. The weekend at Dis*neyLand was fantastic. Monday I pretty much sat around and didn't do much of anything. I was too wore out. Today I took my friends daughter to H0llyw00d to the walk of fame. I enjoyed it, I think her not so much. I think she was pretty sure that she would get to meet Ha*nn*ah you know who and of course that was not to be. Also the stars on the walk of fame she didn't recognize anyones name and by the time we reached some she did recognize she had lost interest. Poor kid. We did take a tour bus ride of H0llyw00d and Bev*erly H*ills and I thought that was great. They did a lot on the history of the area which was fascinating. Again though, once it was realized that no one famous was around to be seen, not as interesting. It was kind of funny. I recognized in her so many traits that I'm sure I had also at that age. She had $2 and wanted to spend that money so bad and couldn't find anything that cost only 2 dollars. I finally kicked in a bit more so she could get a coin purse and also bought her a ring with her name on it and a couple of other things. All in all it was a lot of fun. Then after our bus ride we met R on H0llyw00d Blvd and went and drove down to the tar pits in hopes that the museum would still be open. It wasn't but we were looking at the tar pits. J asked what the bubbling was and R explained that it was methane gas. Of course J's next question was "what's methane gas?" to which I mumbled basically a fart, I did not say this loud enough for her to hear. However R then did, told her it was the earth farting. Some guy standing behind us said, "oh that's nice" to which me and R couldn't quit laughing. Then R mumbles to me that "if the bubbles are basically the earth farting does that mean we are basically standing at the asshole of the earth" That really got us both going.
Not really looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I'm sort of annoyed with them. I had a shift a couple of weeks ago that was cancelled. I had been told that I could call in and have them put my name on the cancel list if I wanted to. That particular night I wasn't feeling great (it was the night before the appointment with the doctor from hell) and called and told them that I would of course come to work but that if they were going to cancel anyone I would volunteer. Now they are saying that me volunteering alters my contract, they no longer have to guarantee me for 36 hours that week and they are going to deduct the money from my next paycheck. It's over $600 for one night. Thats almost half of my paycheck for one night out of 3. Then last week when I went to work and my computer log in wouldn't work and they sent me home, they are disputing paying me for that one. I'm not a happy camper. Not sure where this leaves me in my contract. I don't even know if I can make up my hours or not and get that money back. So I guess I'll wait and see.
In answer to B's question, yes the security guard did call me last week. I had just woke up to go to the bathroom and he called. He hadn't woke me but I was still a bit fuzzy and not very clear headed. I mentioned something about having just woke up and the poor guy could not get off the phone fast enough. I think he thought he had woke me up. He said he would call back this week. So we'll see.
Well I should get my stuff packed up to go tomorrow. Hope everyone is having a good week.

I'm Tired

Oh my, I'm so tired. What a weekend it has been. So Friday night I was supposed to work all night and come to find out I can ask to be put on the list to go home or I don't get paid and it becomes a day I have to make up. But I did sort of mention it anyways while making it clear that I would only go if it was mandatory and therefore I would get paid. I went to work, worked until 11pm and they offered to let me go. So it was actually about 12 before I got home after I did report and all. I caught an extra 3 hours of sleep at home before getting up and heading for L*A. I met BFF R and her daughter at the hotel and after a quick trip to Tar*get we were off to Disney*land. Of course the weather here has picked up and it's hot. Hotter than I like. But we had a great day. By the end of the day I was so tired and sore I could hardly move but it was so much fun. I even rode space*m0untain and the only other time I had rode that it scared the pants off me. Still didn't do a lot for me, I swore through the whole ride. It wasn't as horrible as I remember though. Just dark and I dislike not being able to see where I'm going. Of course I also caused a bit of a ruckus too. We were standing in line and had been for about 20-30 minutes and these kids, about 8 of them came up right as we were almost to the front of the line, climbed under the chain and hopped in line ahead of us. I asked R if they had just cut in front of us and she said no, I think they are with those people ahead of us. But they never talked to the people ahead of us and the people ahead of us never talked to them. So they let them go and I mentioned to the guy at the desk thing admitting us that those kids had just cut in front of us. His response was "and you let them?" Well I haven't had nearly enough hormones lately to pull out the old bitch shoes and take on 8 teenagers by myself and no one else was stepping in either. So he holds up the line outside until they can get these kids inside and remove them from the ride. Basically another 5-10 minutes. So the people outside are getting pissed now that he won't let anyone in. One lady was saying why not just let them go instead of holding all of us up. Hello, the principle of the matter. He explained that they couldn't do that and he would let us go shortly. When they did let us go, the people who had been ahead of us were still in line waiting so it's not like we had to wait any longer, it just seemed like it for a while. Anyways, they escorted the kids out. And I lived through the ride. R's daughter had tons of fun. The last time she had been to DL was when she was 5 and she didn't remember a lot so much of this was new. We got to do splash*m0untain as it wasn't December this time and it was warm enough that getting wet sounded pretty good. Overall a fantastic day. I did end up with a horrible rash on my legs I think from the sun. I had sunblock on and didn't get burned but my legs are so broke out it's making me a bit nutty itching. I used to get this all the time from being in the sun and for a long time I've mostly avoided being out in the sun and haven't had the rash this bad in a long time, hopefully it goes away soon.
Today we did Cal*f0rnia Adventure park and it was fantastic too. Today was warmer though and I felt so wiped out for quite a while. Finally I went and rented one of those electric carts and that helped so much. I had sore spots on my feet from my shoes rubbing and was so sore from yesterday that the cart was a life saver. I just rode it around and then parked it to go get in line for a ride. The only downside of the weekend has been just feeling over stimulated by babies and pregnant women. There were sooooo many of both. Saturday it didn't bother me as much and I loved looking at them and "oh they're so cute" etc but by today it was getting harder. At one point I was sitting on a bench in the shade while R and J watched the High*sc00l musical parade/play thing and I had a pregnant lady on one side and a pregnant lady with a little girl of about 2 on the other side with her other kid who was like 4 and her friend who had a baby girl of about 6 months old and a couple of other small kids and it was all I could do to keep it together. I was sitting there with tears running down my face so glad I had sun glasses on and it was hot so they would think I was just sweating. It just feels so damn far away. And it's annoying that a week or two ago the idea of waiting a couple more months was no big deal and now it's making me crazy. The rest of the day I avoided babies a bit more. I also caught myself at one point watching a young girl (17-18) with a new baby and started feeling like why her. Then of course stopped and reminded myself or remembered that it's not why her, I don't begrudge her of having a baby, it's why not me.
So tomorrow R has to work and J and I will I think sort of hang around and chill a bit. For one thing I am definitely sleeping in. Then in the afternoon we may meet R and go to the La*Brea*Tar*pits. I think there is a museum there I would like to go into. On Tuesday J and I will go into H0llyw00d and maybe do the walk of fame thing etc. J is hoping so hard that she will run into Han*nah M0ntana and I'm hoping I'll run into her dad. I know, wishful thinking.

Almost My Weekend

Well, I finally called the property management company back and they had wrote my phone number down wrong. He said that he would estimate my being able to rent the house at $700-$800 a month which is about what I was figuring. The down side is that by using them I will pay like $90 a month to have them manage it. Plus like $300 up front for advertising etc. $75 for a walk through with new tenant. It all starts sounding really expensive.
I never did text the house sitter back because I really doubt that anything I would have said would have been nice. I am hoping to give him a call today though.
I got an e-mail from my friend J at home who said it's supposed to snow tonight. Yuck. So not missing home right now.
I finally went to the chiropractor yesterday and he put my neck back where it belongs. Feels so much better. The only bad part is that they always want you to keep coming back. He pointed out that my insurance covers 24 visits and then I can have up to like 60 visits of PT. Yeah, I'm really not going there. I doubt that even 24 visits could totally fix my chronic pain stuff and I've done the thing before of getting way into debt with a chiropractor and not doing it again. I'll go back on Friday and then I'm done unless it does this again. Well, I'm off to the beach to look for more shells. I met a lady and her son last week and they are going to take me to a different beach to find better shells. Yay!!

Not Much New

Yes, the rents are absolutely insane here. I can't get over it either. I am figuring I am lucky to have found a decent place for $1149 here. It makes me a little bit nuts to think about though how much really I am paying in rent alone.
I did some calling around yesterday looking into the whole renting my house out thing and finding a property management company. One place said they would go out and drive by my house today and call me with and "estimate" of what they thought I might be able to get for rent. Of course they never called me back. Then last night I get a text from the house sitter saying "Hi, I've been thinking about how you are doing. UR in my prayers." And the bitchy side of it is I was so tempted to respond back with why are you praying for me now? Praying I won't kick you out? Granted he has always said he was praying for me for one reason or another but out of the blue, we haven't talked since I told him I need him to find someplace else and now he wants me to know he is praying for me? Whatever. I work tonight and then I'm off work for another couple of days, then work Friday night and then saturday I'm off to disney.land. Fun, fun. Then I have to start figuring out where I can store my few belongings here since there will be no apartment to leave them in while I'm gone. And to get packing all this stuff up.

Better Sometimes

I'm feeling better sometimes. It's just up and down a lot. Last night I went to work where I oriented to the nursery side of mother infant. It was interesting, again liking it better than when I worked NICU. I like it but looking at those babies it still seems so impossibly far away from here to a take home baby. Anways, I was supposed to work there all night and then remembered that my computer sign on to do the charting hadn't worked last week. They decided that they didn't want me there if I couldn't chart. A little odd to me, I would think that since they were short that I could have maybe done something but oh well. I got sent home at 11pm which was nice because I just went back to bed. Oh and on my way out to the car, I stopped for a few minutes to chat with one of the security guys. And he asked for my phone number. I think I have a date. So this is like the first time in I don't know how many years (yup, years) that I've had a guy ask for my phone number without meeting him on a personals site or something. Who knows what will happen but the little ego boost was nice.
I got some avocados off the tree that hangs over the parking lot where I live and I'm going to try to make some guacamole (without onions of course) in the next day or so when they ripen up. I can't wait to get out of this itty bitty apartment. I did go look at another apartment here in SB today but it was still really tiny, basically only a studio and $1400 a month. I think I'll stick with the place in Ven.tura that is all new appliances etc and $1149 a month. And bigger. I went and ordered a new box of contacts today. The doctor had switched me to a different brand. Oh my gosh, they were expensive. Over $50 for one box which is 3 pair. Yikes. I still can't decide if they are more comfortable either. They are comfortable to sleep in though. That part is nice.
Well, I should get busy with all the stuff I need to do. Happy Birthday K and I hope everyone else is having a good Monday.

Saturday Night Meanderings

Well, I'm awake late again, but then I've spent my two nights off sleeping all day and being up all night. Or so far anyways. My neck is so stiff today I can't turn my head to the left at all. Your right Marcy, I need to see a chiropractor. I've just been avoiding it but I think I need to. I have a headache again tonight too. I did post a few new pictures lately on my picture web site.
My head is in a weird place right now. I'm feeling very down on myself, very negative about myself. To some extent I'm always like this but can usually ignore it mostly. I've been feeling a bit lonely, for god forbid, male attention. Or more honestly, a bit horny. I don't feel like I'm an attractive person and feel that most people see me as fat first and foremost. Logically I know this likely isn't always true but I just can't always seem to turn it off. I'm also still feeling overwhelmed by everything. I'm planning to go home and clean out my house in a few weeks but worry I won't be able to rent my house for very much. I've been looking at rents in the area of Sp0kane and they aren't as high as they were a year ago. I was hoping to get at least $850 but am not sure I will be able to. I really need to call a management company and see what they say. Also needing to move everything out, arrange to have carpets cleaned, walls painted etc. So much to do and I'm going to spend 6 days driving. I figure 3 days going and 3 days coming back. I'm hoping to drive from here to Sacrament0, the to Redm0nd, 0r, then home. I could possibly try to really push it and do it in 2 days but I've done it before and it's pretty miserable.
Then there is the whole TTC thing. Part of me was so anxious to get started again after my IVF. The debt of my IVF that didn't seem like that big of an amount now seems like a huge amount. And now I'm just flat out scared. I'm scared to try again and fail again. Scared of the BFN's. Scared of more less than happy endings. My heart breaks right now for my friends who have recently suffered losses. Part of me thinks that right now I could just walk away from all this IF bullshit. I could just stop. Part of me thinks that if I were to just give up, I could just enjoy myself. I could spend my money however I wanted, buy nice furniture, go home and work on remodeling my house which is a perfect size for just me, take vacations where ever and when ever I wanted to. Enjoy my furbabies. And maybe I could but I know that a year or two down the road I would regret it. I would regret giving up so easily. But what if I keep going and still never get there. What if it never happens. It feels so much like all my past journeys to find "someone". That whole constant longing for someone to share my life with that was my complete focus for so many years. And I think about all the times someone I knew and most of the time it was people I really cared for told me, "don't worry, it will happen, you will meet someone". And yet it hasn't happened. Most of the time these days I'm ok with that but its the whole idea that there are no guarantees. There is no guarantee that everyone who wants to be married will find someone to marry. Just like there is no guarantee that everyone who wants to be a parent will be able to do so. Right now IF feels so much like the whole dream that is only that, just a dream that I'm allowed to think about but not achieve. It feels like it is so far away and will never happen. And all the positive thinking and or prayer isn't necessarily going to change that or make it happen.

Finally Friday

First of all I want to say to B & K how sorry I am for your loss of snuffy. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling right now. I wish there was something I could do to help. My heart goes out to both of you right now at this difficult time.
Not too much going on for me. I did end up canceling my appointment with the RE this morning. I figured if I went and he wanted to do various testing etc, I wouldn't be able to do it because of a lack of funds. I also can't really afford to cycle right now because of the lack of funds, need for time off next month etc. So I will wait until June.
Last night they started orienting me at work to float to the mother infant unit. This is because I have the certification needed to work with the infants. I was a bit nervous because I had never really done the mother stuff but it went well. Funny thing is that I can't decide if this is going to be really cool to do (I really liked the feel of the unit and the people I worked with) or if this is going to be a new form of self torture seeing babies that aren't mine. One upside though is that when I worked NICU I got sort of freaked out. I saw all the worst case scenarios in what could go wrong during a pregnancy and found myself wondering how anyone ever made it to term while pregnant. With mother infant, I will see a lot more of the happy outcomes. Also a big plus is that I've found I really prefer caring for the stable healthy patients who are very unlikely to "code" on me. The patients in mother infant definitely fit that description. We'll see what happens.
BFF R is coming down next weekend with her youngest daughter who is 9. This is a surprise for her daughter still and we are going to Dis.ney.land and all that. The timing isn't the best as far as money goes but we have been planning this for about a month so I'm just going to try to spend as little as possible.
I also need to start packing up my apartment and find a storage spot for my stuff here in SB to store everything for the 3 weeks I'm at home. I'm also a little worried about renting my house out at home since I've been looking at rentals at home and they seem to be really low right now. It will be a bummer if I can't get much rent on my house.
I slept all day today. I came home with a horrible headache this morning. I've had a headache almost every day for like 2 weeks. Mostly just there but this morning and one other day it was pretty bad. I think my neck is out but when I mentioned it to the Dr. from hell last week he pretty much ignored it. I need to do something as I can't keep doing the headaches. This afternoon when I got up I went for a walk on the beach. I love being so close to the ocean. I may not go every day but I love having the option.
yes, like I pointed out, my life lately is very boring.

A Plan and Less Overwhelmed

Ok, so I have a plan and I'm feeling better about it. It's still going to be a bit of a stretch but should work out. I went and put the deposit down on the apartment in Ven*tura today. It wasn't the really cute house but I think it will be a better option. The rent is less, the deposit is way less and I like it. I can have Sadie and the girlies there, no problem. Also the really big positive point is that they are willing to wait for me. I hate having to pay rent on 2 apartments while you are trying to move and usually end up having to do it one way or another. Not this time. My contract that I'm in now for work is up on May 17th. I am going to work the first 3 days of that week and then have the last 4 days off. I will leave probably on Thursday to drive home. I hate the idea of the drive but it will have to do. I will be moving my meager belongings here into a storage unit or something for a couple of weeks as I will be moving out of this apartment at that time. I then have close to 3 weeks off work to go home and pack up all of my stuff and get it into storage. Then I have to be back here for work by June 4th. I will come back and move into my new apartment. I haven't decided for sure but I am thinking I will likely bring some stuff back with me such as some of my craft stuff etc. I may have to rent a trailer to do that as I won't have a lot of extra room in my car with a dog and two cats. I think that the not having to pay rent on anything for the 3 weeks or so that I'm gone will be helpful with expenses. It will probably be a bit hectic for a while but still, it should work out ok. I have a friend at home collecting boxes for me so I should be able to go home and just start packing. I may also try to pick up some over time in the next few weeks. So, I'm feeling better about all this. Except my RE appointment on Friday. I'm still a bit nervous about it but more than that I'm worried about the money aspect. I can't afford to cycle this month. I just can't, not with moving, having to come up with new deposits and having to take 2 weeks off work unpaid. So I'm wondering if I should just cancel my appointment for Friday and reschedule for June when I can afford to cycle and or to actually do any testing he may want done. Can't afford that right now either. It would be an additional 300 dollars I'm not spending yet. And as much as I want to get started if I can't actually do anything it makes more sense to wait I think until the money is more readily available. Input anyone??
I finally got the work thing this morning signed off. I had the OB I saw last month sign it and she was fine with doing so. I was really annoyed with work for waiting until now to let me know I needed that. I said something in the e-mail about how in the future maybe they could give me more notice so that it doesn't become my emergency. Anyways, work is happy now for a few more months.

Just Another Day

In answer to questions, yes I felt totally fantastic when I sent off that letter to the clinic here about the doctor from hell. I don't know what if anything they will do about it but we'll see. Then yesterday I get a letter from one of the credentialling people for my employer telling me that my yearly physical is past due and I need to get that done ASAP. This is not the first time, or even the second that they have notified me when something is past due that I need to get it done ASAP. I feel like saying your poor planning does not constitute my emergency. I am no way going back to the doctor from hell and asking for him to sign the paper which he wouldn't do any ways since I refused to sign the paper. I don't know if the clinic will try to hook me up with another doctor here that could maybe sign it but I don't know that I'm inclined to try to fix this for my employer. Granted I don't know what that will do for my future employment with them. The other side of that is that there are tons of other travel agencies out there. I just wish I knew what was going on. I of course still don't have a contract for my next 13 weeks which makes me nervous to go out and sign papers for a new apartment. I have been looking at places and I found one yesterday that I liked. The rent was ok, they were ok with my dog and 2 cats. The apartment has a small patio for the dog to go outside. From past history I know she will not go potty out there as she is incredibly fussy about where she potties but she can at least go outside. The deposit isn't too horrible and they are willing to wait until May for me to move in etc. The only thing is that it's almost 40 miles from work. That's a long damn way when gas is almost $4 a gallon. There has been nothing in SB that will allow Sadie. Nothing. So I dislike driving this far, even for only 3 days a week. Also it makes me nervous agreeing to move without first knowing for certain that I have another contract since what if it falls through like it did in Fresno.
I also am feeling very overwhelmed by the idea of packing up my house to rent. I know that I want to do it and that I even really need to do it but the idea of doing it is overwhelming right now. I just haven't figured out how it's all going to work out and when it's all going to get done. So as usual my life feels like it's in a bit of limbo and I am frustrated at how often I feel like I'm in limbo.
Oh and a friend e-mailed me and commented that she is sorry all the getting pregnant stuff isn't going well. Then pointed out all I needed to do was ask God to bless me. Whatever. Thanks, I hadn't freaking thought of that.

I Feel Better

I just finished writing a letter to the clinic (I'm tempted to use names here to forewarn others) here that employs the doctor from hell. I feel that it is a fairly well written letter with factual information of what occurred during the appointment and how all of this made me feel. I left out accusations such as "he didn't bother to listen to me since he had already formed an opinion of me" and instead said things like "I felt like he wasn't listening to me and had already formed an opinion of me by looking at my weight on the chart." I am also sending back the lab slip and the short term prescription that was given to me. See he had given me a short term prescription for pr0zac to be taken for "mood". Yes I likely should have kept it because I hate to go a month without my medication again but it's the principle of it all. Plus I don't feel like having him call me to bitch about it. I also think I will try to call the OB I've been seeing and ask if she would be willing to give me a short term script until next month when I can go home to my regular doctor. Also on the lab slip most of the tests were coded for "current long term use of harmful medications" except for the test done on diabetics which was coded as morbid obesity. Fuck I hate that term. I may have walked out of that office yesterday mad and feeling bullied but I will not go quietly without addressing how I was treated.
Today was hot! I woke up this afternoon and it was 91 degrees in my apartment. Yuck. It was close to 90 outside. I took a drive down to Car*penteria to the beach and walked around in the down town area. Cute little town with some nice beach side apartments but the beach isn't dog friendly so probably not the best option. After walking around a bit I drove back to SB and it was cooling down some now. I went down to the waterfront and went to one of the bike rental places and rented a bicycle and rode around the water front for a while. That was fun and relaxing. Maybe I should try to figure out how to bring my bike back too. I am getting excited about bringing Sadie down here really and being able to take her to the beach. I wish I didn't have to make her live in an apartment but I'm sure it will work out somehow. Also thanks for all the suggestions about dog sitters/walkers and daycares. I had considered that before but since I work nights it never really worked that well. Most of them didn't want to come over at 9:30 to 10 at night to let her out but I will have to check into it again.
My appointment with new RE is Friday. Last week I was excited about this, feeling pretty good. When I had my first appointment with the RE in Fresn0 I had been apprehensive because of fear of being turned away based on my weight. Those fears ended up being for nothing and so I was doing ok with the whole new RE thing. Until last Friday and the doctor from hell. Now I'm really nervous again and trying hard to just ignore it. At least I don't have to wait long. Also I think the cyst may still be there despite my self medication with BCPs.

I HATE Doctors

Not all of them, but lately a good majority of them. Not only do they drive me absolutely buggy at work but being a patient sucks!!
I have been procrastinating my yearly physical for a while and getting new scripts for my meds, specifically my pr0zac. This is because I hate going through the ordeal of finding a new doctor. So yesterday I finally broke down because I'm almost out of happy pills and started calling around. I had first stated that I would prefer to see a female but then after they transferred me to another phone I didn't repeat that. So I get an appointment for this morning at 8:40. They ask me to be there at 7:30 to fill out new patient paperwork. They acted like 8am would be really pushing it and much too late. I actually arrived a bit early as I had left early not being sure what traffic would be at that time of the morning. I was there at 7:15. Of course there are no clocks in the waiting rooms or exam rooms because they don't want you to realize how long you've been there. They finally take me back to an exam room at 9am. They check my BP which is fantastic at 110/70. I wait close to 15 minutes for the doctor to come in. In comes in a 65-70 some year old man and asks what I'm there for. I state that I need refills on my medication. Specifically pr0zac. He says well were not going to do that now. I'm going to do a physical first in a way that was both condescending and grating. I should have gotten up and walked out of the room right then and there. So he goes through my history lingering over the fact that I don't know my family medical history since I'm adopted. Then the first thing he asks me is what sort of weight loss programs have I tried before and how did they work. Ok so that's always a huge flag for me if all the doctor can focus on is my weight. Then he asks how long I've been taking Pr0zac and how long I've been taking my BP med. He points out that the BP med can cause depression. I point out that I have been dealing with depression since I was 14 and the depression predates the BP med by a bit. He states again though that this med can cause depression and wonders why I'm on this med. I tell him it's because that is the med the fertility specialist I was seeing in Fresn0 wanted me because it's approved for pregnancy. Oh, are you pregnant now? No if you would look at my chart you would notice that I had a m/c in February. Then he goes on to ask if I've ever been tested for diabetes. Because we all know that us fat folks are usually diabetic. I explain that my doctor at home always runs fasting labs that are fine and I've even tested my blood sugar after eating and it's not in a pre-diabetic range. So he asks me to undress and steps out. Is gone for close to another 10 minutes. Comes back and the first thing he asks as he is examining me is "have you ever considered bariatric surgery" Yes and I've decided that I'm not willing to do it. So he doesn't say much else to me through the exam. I mention my neck has been bothering me lately but of course he does nothing about that. Then he tells me to dress and meet him in his office. Once there he says that he is ordering some labs and once he sees the results then he will give me a new script for Pr0zac. I point out that I'm out of my pr0zac. He asks why I waited so long to make an appointment. I state that it's because I dislike having to find a new doctor. He tells me that was poor planning on my part and at this point I shut up because I'm about to tell him he's a fucking asshole. What difference does it make. It's pr0zac for gods sake, it's not like I'm asking for narcotics or something like that. He tells me to do the labs in the next week (one of which is a A1c which tests blood sugar ranges for diabetics because again I must be lying about being diabetic) and he wants to see me again in 3 months. I have to wait again for another 5 minutes in the waiting room until I have been released to go make an appointment. I specifically tell the girl I will come back in 3 months but not to see the same doctor and I would please like to see someone female. I hope she tells him. Hell I want to tell him. I'm so pissed it's not even funny. I'm tempted to toss the lab slip and wait until May and go home and see my own doctor who doesn't treat my like I'm a second class citizen because I'm fat.

Drama

So I called the house sitter last night to tell him the situation. I wanted to give him as much time as possible to figure out what he was going to do. He sounded hurt. Hurt that I would decide to do this. He wanted to make sure that he didn't find something so soon that it left Sadie in the lurch with no one to care for her. Then he called me back later and sounded almost tearful wanting to know if I felt like he was taking advantage of me. At first all of this made me feel guilty, then it started just pissing me off. I wanted to tell him it's not all about him. He wanted to know if I had discussed this with anyone. Or at least with his Ex who is the one who referred him to me. He thought she might try to influence me. Not sure which way he thought she would try to influence me. What a bunch of drama that I don't want to deal with. I will likely end up going home to get Sadie. I hate to bring her down here and put her in an apartment with no yard and have her there when I got to work at night and am gone for like 14 hours but I don't know what else to do. I just want to do whats best for my dog and for the life of me I can't figure that one out.

Stupid

So I switched on the comment moderation because I got spammed by an idiot named Jason who of course has his profile closed and who seems to need a job if he has nothing better to do than bug people. What bugged me was I deleted his comment, no biggie and then proceeded to get hit with the same comment from him another 6 times in the next 10 minutes. But I don't like the comment moderation thing because it takes too many steps to get to whatever comments I have, I can't read them before I publish either. Then I hit to publish a comment from Val and it disappeared. Sorry Val. I hate being spammed. Any ideas??

Still No Idea

Several of you mentioned it sounds like my mind is already made up. It is and it isn't. When I got home last night from looking at uber cute house, it was. The more I thought about it, the less it was made up. I went to bed last night thinking no, I can't do it. Especially since it may be July before I can get my house rented. Today I still really want to rent the house, but still sort of feel like I shouldn't. Another part of the dilemma is that my lease on this apartment is up May 9th. So I need to find something else or sign another 3 month lease. I would much rather find something else. Of course owner of the house wants a renter now. I don't want to pay rent on 2 places plus a house payment for a month. If she could wait until May I would likely reconsider. I also know that I could probably get something a little cheaper with a lower deposit. It wouldn't be totally what I wanted but it would suffice for the next 9 months until I decide for sure if I am going to stay her permanently. As far as the renting of my house goes though that is still a for sure thing. I am definitely doing that. It just makes sense.

What To Do (yes this is likely going to be a long post)

I need to talk some things out here and would consider any assvice so here goes. Sorry for such a long post.
So when I went home in January to take some stuff home I did so during the TWW after my IVF and did so hoping immensely that I was knocked up and it would stick. I told myself that if that were the case, I would likely do one more contract and then go home. However I also told myself that if that weren't the case and I wasn't pregnant (therefore less likely to be heading home) I needed to look at my situation at home a little more closely. I currently have a house sitter living in my house, taking care of my dog. The money he is to pay me for rent, covers most of the utilities. I kept the cable internet etc because I didn't want to lose my e-mail and he uses it etc, same with TV services. In the winter it all came out to be a bit more than what he should have been paying. Now I don't want to sound awful here. I do appreciate what he has done and is doing for me. And I know that he is doing quite a bit in taking care of my dog for me. However since he's been there he has had several instances of being unemployed or seasonally employed. And there have been several months that he hasn't been able to give me the full rent, or any rent at all. I was mostly ok with it since I do realize he was having a hard time, and that he was doing me a really big favor even as I was doing him a really big favor. Plus it left my house mostly as is from when I left it, therefore I could pick up and go home at any time. And while I was telling myself it would be soon I was ok with all of that. Lately though my feelings are changing a little. It's not that I'm upset with him or resentful. It's just that I no longer know when I'm going home. I'm not even entirely sure I want to go home. See I have discovered that I really like this part of California. A lot. And there are only a couple of people that I feel the need to go home for. I have some family in that area (aunts and uncles) but for the most part these are people I exchange Christmas cards with. They do not go out of their way to be a part of my life. Granted I don't either but this is partly related to their lack of involvement. I love them, we just don't spend time together. I have my ex-boyfriend whom I'm still friends with and enjoy visiting with when he's sober there. I would miss him some but I can still (and do) visit with him over the phone and it's a lot easier to get rid of him on the phone when he's trashed than when he's standing in my living room. Then I have his mom and her husband. Now these are the two people I would/do miss the most from home. Jan is like my surrogate mom. She's the mom I don't have in my own mom. She was the one who helped me through school and is the one who has been there for me for at least the last 8 years. I truly don't know what I would do without her. I do still however speak to her often which while not quite as good as sitting in her kitchen shooting the breeze, is still a good thing. I also know I can go visit whenever I want. I do miss my stuff which may sound sort of stupid because it's just things but I miss having my craft projects handy, I miss my favorite comfy chair, I miss my kitchen stuff that makes my life easier and just makes me happy cause it's pretty. Another thought on going home now is that if I were to go home now I know that the job market in Spokane is kind of sucky. Yes I could get a job doing what I'm doing now, but I don't want to. I would have to take care of more patients at home, with fewer if any nurses aides and way less pay, like less than half of what I make here. I have been watching and I haven't seen any jobs that interest me at home at all. So for now, since I really prefer to work med/surg in a hospital in California where I have much better staffing ratios and I'm making much better money, and since I really like it here a lot, I'm content to stay where I am. I really don't know when I plan to go home. Even if I was to get pregnant next month (probably not likely) I would probably stay here and continue to work here as long as I could. It's easier that way with insurance stuff etc and I'm making better money. So, as much as I appreciate the house/dog sitter, it no longer seems like a very cost effective option. I am basically paying close to a thousand a month in a house payment for my dog to live there. I could do a lot more as far as IF stuff with a thousand a month. So I am planning to rent out my house at home. That isn't my favorite option either, I'd rather just sell it but the market of course sucks and even if I could sell it, I would lose quite a bit of money on it. So I figure if I hire a management company to manage the property and rent it out, that will be that much more money I'm not spending on housing I'm not living in. I will however have to go home and pack up my house and move it into storage. That also seems over whelming but I still think it's the better option. Another reason for this is that I would feel less guilty spending more money on housing here. When I was trying to get ready to come down here from Fresno I was having a difficult time finding a place and ended up taking what I could find without having the time to look around at what I wanted. I was a bit desperate. What I found has been ok, but it's awfully small. I don't have any room for a chair etc to sit in to watch TV or whatever. Only my bed which while that sounds ok, it quickly gets old. I have maybe 1.5 foot square piece of counter top. I have almost no storage. It is cheap and it's been fine for being here for now but I can't imagine spending a year here in this apartment. I don't like it that well. I get a certain amount of money each month for housing that so far I've never even come close to spending that much on housing. I have figured out that if I don't mind commuting a bit farther (yes I have thought about the gas prices) I can get a lot more housing for my money in Ven*tura. Also the whole lease thing doesn't seem to be as big of an issue nor does the pet thing there. So, I've been watching Cra*igs list for possible apartments. And found a small house that I love. And the timing really isn't great. Yes I could afford it now, without difficulty although the deposit is pretty steep but she is willing to work with me and let me pay that over time. And yes I could probably find an apartment a little cheaper that would still fit my needs fine, but this is a house. With a deck in the back yard which is a fenced back yard although a very, very, very small back yard. And an orange, lemon, peach, walnut and avocado tree in the front yard. And a dining room, living room, bathroom, bedroom and kitchen (with counters). And she did mention that she would let me have Sadie there although I am considering that having Sadie with me isn't necessarily the best thing for her with my schedule etc. I have considered asking J (house sitter) who loves her to pieces if he would like to keep her as he is able and does spend a lot more time with her although I don't know how that would work since I'm going to be asking him to find alternate living arrangements. So I'm trying to decide if I should just go for it and rent the house which I can afford but it wouldn't leave much for TTC money for the next month or two until I can get my house rented. And I know I should probably wait, and likely even will but oh this house is so cute.
And yes I do realize in myself a tendency to allow myself to fall into or walk into situations that are stressful.

Skipping School Like a Teenager

Yeah, I didn't go to class yesterday morning. I didn't fall asleep until 6am which was roughly about the time I needed to be getting up. I e-mailed the education department and said I would pay them for the book and hopefully sign up for the class later. They do it like every 8 weeks or something. That gives me more time to study that stupid book. Funny thing is that my shift got cancelled again last night so I possibly could have made it through the class. Of course I didn't know that would happen until after the fact so it didn't help much.
My arms have started peeling now from my sunburn a couple weeks ago. As always (yup I know it's kind of gross) I am strangely fascinated by the pulling of skin off my arm. Of course it looks oh so attractive.
Do BCP's cause insomnia?? Cause I'm not sleeping so good lately, like after 5-6 hours and I'm wide awake for the day. And yes I'm taking those ones that were left over from my IVF. Hoping that the cyst will soon be gone. Funny thing is that I haven't noticed much moodiness or bitchyness. I haven't asked my coworkers though so who knows. What I have noticed is that I can't quit eating. I am hungry/want to eat constantly. Last night I was craving chips and cheese. I ate an entire bag of raw peas with the shells (yup, got my fiber) and still was craving chips and cheese. Finally went to the store at 11pm for some damn chips.
Well I have a ton of other stuff bouncing around in my head right now but I also have a lot to do today so I will finish for now and get busy. Hope everyone is having a great day.

Yuck

So I'm sitting here, checking blogs while I should be doing something else. Like finishing the reading for the class on heart dysrhythmias I signed up to take through work. The reading that I am maybe half way finished with for the class that starts tomorrow at 8am. Of course also of note is that it's after midnight, I'm not even remotely tired and I would need to be up by 6:30 at the latest to get to class in a timely manner. And I'm not done reading but my brain is done reading. I keep reading this stuff over and over and over again and it still doesn't make any freaking sense. Of course that is partially because I'm not good at reading text book kinds of things. Don't ask me how I made it through nursing school because I really have NO idea whatsoever. I can't read a text book and have it as a whole make sense. I will have bits and pieces that click and make sense but for the most part me reading a text book is a pain in the ass. Yet I can sit and read a fictional book without difficulty. I've never understood that. So I have no idea what I'm going to do. If I don't go to sleep soon it's not going to happen anyways since there is no way I can sleep only a few hours then get up early and also work tomorrow night since I usually am not good at napping. I suppose it also doesn't help that I'm somewhat ambivalent about the class as a whole. I felt like I should take it because I'm being floated regularly to a unit that most of the patients are there for something that is cardiac in nature. I like the unit because the people I work with there are really nice but working in a cardiac unit isn't really what I want to do long term. Granted I could end up using this in other areas but unless I use it frequently it will never stick for me and this class will all be for nothing. Can you tell I really don't want to go to the class tomorrow.
I also spent some time this evening avoiding "homework" talking to bff R on the phone. For like an hour and a half. This was after her brother left. Which brings me to another yuck point. R had called earlier and said that her brother was at her house. This is unusual since they haven't been close in the past. She told me she was for warning me but that he wanted to talk to me. Now I have never really gotten along with her brother. He was mean when we were kids (abusive mean to her and her sister), always calling me names, making fun of me etc. Except one occasion. At a fair when he thought it would be a good idea to kiss me. And me, being all of 14 and the kid I was didn't know how to say no. I was totally grossed out by it but I didn't know how to say no to him at that time (so help me God if I ever have a girl she will know how to say NO if she needs or wants to) so I went along with it because I didn't know what else to do. Then several days later I had to admit that I didn't really like him. Which of course made the abuse I received from him even worse. Basically stupid stuff, the trials of teenagers. But yet today, after almost 24 freaking years, he wanted to relive (and rekindle) our days of the past. WTF???? After a couple minutes of him asking repeatedly how I was "Fine" and him asking about hey do you remember when... and voicing some sort of what sounds like a lewd suggestion I finally asked to speak to R again and quickly ended the call. She called back later apologizing profusely. But damn men (or at least the immature ones) can be such stupid assholes sometimes. Yuck. And he has a girlfriend whom he lives with I guess. What a jerk.
So I guess I'm done venting now and I really should get back to E*C*G* made*easy (my ass) book.

Decisions

So last night I made myself sit down and look at all the web sites I had gathered for potential RE's in this area. I need to decide which one to make an appointment with. I would consider making an appointment with both but that would be expensive as they charge for the consultation. I didn't have to do this decision stuff in Fresno because there was only the one doctor there. Granted we all know how that worked out for me. So near as I can tell there are 2 doctors offices around the Th0usand 0aks area and there is one office here in Santa Bar*bara. However in looking at the site for the office here in SB as near as I can tell they see patients here but if I wanted to have IVF I would have to travel to Beve*rly Hills which is even farther away than the other 2 offices. Plus I think my OB did say the guy here only sees patients one day a week here. So that leaves the two offices in Th0usand 0aks. RE #1 says on their website that they are the only office in the area with a full IVF lab although RE #2 does seem to say they have the IVF lab also. I did have a woman at work say she had used RE #1 and liked the doctor she saw there, they do have several. RE#1 does not really post prices on their website. But I think it's a more stand alone clinic compared to RE #2 which is part of a much larger group that has like 6 different offices in the LA and outer lying areas. However RE #1 does say they do all their labs etc at their office where RE #2 seems to indicate that most lab work is sent to the main LA office. This is important because it can add additional cost (courier fees) and time to get your results. Right now I am leaning towards RE #1. Another thing on RE #1 is they state on their website that their success rates with IUI are very good and often IVF isn't needed. I think this is the reason I'm leaning towards RE #1. I hate making decisions like this. I always wonder what if it was the wrong decision.

TGIF

Oh how I love Fridays. When I'm actually off work. I've been out exploring again today and had so much fun. I had planned to get up early and take a small road trip and the early part just didn't happen. Usually I can sleep a lot. Like half the day and half the night. So yesterday I slept for about 5.5 hours and got up for a while. Felt tired at 10pm but was still watching TV so I didn't go to bed until about midnight. And then I laid there wide awake until almost 4. Ugg. I hate when that happens. I finally got up around 11am this morning and showered and left. I drove to S0lvang which is a really cute little danish village not to far from SB. The weather there was beautiful which was nice because it has been cloudy all day here. Anyways, I spent several hours walking around there through the shops. I found several things I wanted to buy but I didn't buy them. I actually spent money only on lunch. Yesterday morning when I got off work the clouds were sitting over the mountains here and the sun was peaking underneath and it was so gorgeous but of course by the time I got home, got my camera and got back to the hospital the effect was gone. I'm almost convinced I need to start taking my camera to work with me. There are some pretty good views from the hospital. Work was ok the other night. No crazy patients at least. There really isn't too much else going on here right now. I am trying to decide if I want to stay in this apartment. I know I should. It's cheap, fairly close to work. I hate the idea of moving to a different apartment and having to come up with deposits etc. The only thing is that I really don't like this apartment. At the time it was the only thing I could find so I rented it. But I don't love it. I was looking on craigs list the other day and found a house that was for rent that was more than I wanted to pay but it was actually quite affordable for a house. The pics of it were so cute. I fell in love with just the pics. Of course it was rented within a few hours. Probably just as well but still. It was such a cute little house. I'm just sort of rambling right now. Sorry. My life has just been sort of boring the last few days.

I Actually Worked!

But it was kind of a shitty night. Much busier than usual which I guess I shouldn't complain about since my nights usually go pretty well. Just busy, 2 really confused patients (one had tarzan in her room trying to kill her, and yes I turned the TV off). Blood to give, one really anxious guy, bitchy nurses aide. All added up to a busy night. I had thought I would volunteer to go in tonight but changed my mind by morning. I did stop by the staffing office before I left and spoke to my supervisor and it looks like I will be staying here for another 3 months. They said they definitely want to keep me. That's a nice feeling. Now I need to get on setting up an appointment with an RE so I can at least get started. I'm excited to be staying here. I like it here. I work again tomorrow (Wed) night and then 2 more nights off. Works for me. Not much else going on. In answer to a couple of questions: Tammy, I don't really know what part of Mn my sister lives in. I think it's close to Minneapolis but not sure. And as far as my FSH, my lab results for that are now a little over a year old. I think it was 8.8 last Feb. so I'm not really sure. I figure the CCT can't hurt though at this point.