Tis The Season

For holiday parties.  In the past I have always loved holiday parties. Lately though I find it difficult to force myself to take part and socialize.  Taking part when you don't know anyone? Sort of like torture. This year there were a couple holiday parties. One is a big corporate thing that I'm told is a dressy event. The other was just a unit event done by the doctors on our unit.  The big dressy event I've pretty much said no thank you. I don't have proper attire for it, I don't love clothes shopping and I spent nearly everything available on the car. The smaller event I did figure it would be good for me to go. It was good to go and to meet people and visit.  The first hour was torture but it did get better and I did notice that a lot of people made an effort to talk to me which was appreciated. It strikes me though that I'm not entirely sure how I went from being a very outgoing social person when I was younger to a very introverted and rather untrusting person I am now. 

All I know is I'm home now in my jammies with kitties on my lap and so much more comfortable. 

Plan B

So. 

I bought a car yesterday. The car. The fruition of my plan B when I gave up TTC. I LOVE it! I'm just so excited although driving home from the dealership I wanted to scream at everyone to back away from the car! Here is my new car. I haven't figured out what her name is yet. 

The plan right now is for Scooby (my older car) to go to my sister.  I'm honestly having a few doubts about that at the moment for various reasons. There is so much happening in her life and so much drama. Also a lot of "I don't know what to believe." So for now I guess I will wait and see. 

I did finally receive another email from my birth mother. She seems nice although maybe a little socially awkward? It's funny the superficial things we seem to have in common. Things like the love of all things bright and colorful. With so many other things in life I'm working to just be present in the now and not have expectations. Not an easy thing but I think I'm getting better at it. 

Otherwise things are good. I'm back to work and my hand is healed up fairly well. Work seems good and while it's always a challenge to change jobs I really like where I'm at and feel like it will be a fabulous experience. 

Worse

Every time I think my relationship with my mom is at rock bottom I found out it can get worse.  I haven't spoke to my mom since 2005. I haven't seen her since she remarried in 2002 which I can truly say was the second worse day of my life, the first being the day my dad died.  The last several years I've see-sawed between numb and anger towards her.  Part of me feels like I grieved the loss of my mom back in 2002.  Occasionally something will come up that makes me feel like I miss having a relationship with her.  I also will still on occasion have dreams about her in which she is usually being horrible to me, screaming at me, name calling, hitting me.  Often though the numbness is more common and has even before left me feeling like there is something wrong with me that her behavior doesn't bother me more. 

I know my sister has been struggling a lot the last year or so with how mom is treating her.  I know my sister has tried to win her over or please her in various manners, some of which I didn't approve but I do understand feeling like you need your mom and trying to win her back. Goodness knows I've tried in the past myself.  My sister told me a while ago that mom had given her all of the old family photo albums.  She expressed concern that something was wrong with mom or that she was dying.  Strangely my first thought was she was removing all the little left over bits of us from her life by getting rid of all the old photos. 

Today my sister called my mom to once again attempt to connect with her and mom confirmed my suspicions.  Mom told my sister she didn't ever want to hear from us again.  That after February she is moving to somewhere we won't be able to contact her.  Mom of course plays the victim and it's all our fault.  Her children which she gave everything for have abandoned her.  My sister admitted that at one point she called mom and told her she wanted to die and that mom hung up on her. Today I guess she brought up the fact that I was suicidal.  Hmmm... Not anymore thanks and I don't see how that is relevant now.  At one point in my life, yes I was.  However when I finally decide to stop letting my mom's opinion validate my self worth and decide to work on not being so focused on making everyone around me happy things improved.  That plus medicating my medical condition (mom never felt I should be taking medication because God of course should be more than enough) and my depression is pretty well managed.  My poor sister begged our mom to be part of her life again and mom basically hung up on her again.

This breaks my heart, mostly for my sister.  I know this is emotionally devastating to her. I'm so angry all I want to do is send my mom a letter telling her exactly how I feel about her right now throwing in a great number of things with the intent of hurting her. I wish I could help my sister see that this says more about mom as a mother than it says about us as daughters.  This has left me feeling irritable and angry all day.  It's just so wrong on so many levels. 

More pictures

So I've had some requests for pictures.  I forget that what I share on FB isn't necessarily seen by my few readers here. So I don't have many as for some reason I haven't been taking many but here are a few I have taken.

This is just down the road from my house, I was walking along the boardwalk in the evening. Interesting tidbit is in Santa Barbara the sun doesn't set over the ocean as we are a south facing beach. So the sun sets behind the Mesa but it still makes for a pretty sunset.

This was taken from the pier the same night. We have a pier with some little beachy shops and several places to eat. Of course you pay for the view but it's still nice once in a while for a treat. 

This was just across from my house. I've seen them landing on the beach a lot lately and actually went over and talked to them about learning to hang glide.

This is Sara looking out the windows in my living room.  I have corner windows which I LOVE! You can also see a bit of what my view is. The ocean is just on the other side of the Palm trees.  There is a baseball field right across the street. However I can sit on my couch and see the ocean which is more than I ever hoped I'd be able to do. 

Here are my three goofy girls hogging my spot on the couch. But not touching.  Sara the white cat is my old lady at 9.5 years. Annabelle the darker Siamese looking one is my jealous middle child. She likes the other two fine until it comes to sharing me with them and then she's a bit of a diva princess. Cleo the calico is my newest baby who is about 6.5 months old. I got her in July and don't know if I've mentioned her here before. Considering how most places in SB say no pets I feel incredibly lucky to have found such a great apartment in such a nice location with three cats. 

Just for fun here's a picture of my multicolored hand. It's doing better since I had it pinned but is still pretty tender. Hoping it's better soon though so I can get back to work.

Since Forever

Yes, I know. I'm a bad blogger. I feel a bit like I've nothing to talk about yet I do have things going on.  I am still typing all this out on my iPad which is driving me a little nuts. I have yet to get myself a laptop. 

For one thing, for the first (and oh please let it be the only) time in my life I broke a bone. I've had many accidents, sprains, bruises, etc but never a broken bone. Two weeks ago I was walking, tripped over a ledge in the side walk and fell. I fractured my 5th metacarpal (hand). Thankfully it's my left so I can still write but I can't work with my hand in a splint. Yeah. This happened one week after I started my new job. So now I'm off work until it heals, no idea when that will be. Last week they went in and pinned it which has been rather uncomfortable. In the meantime I've been bored out of my mind. Sewing is difficult to near impossible and there is only so much to do when you're trying not to spend money since you don't know when you'll next get a paycheck.  Tomorrow I at least get the splint off which will be nice even if they just put another one back on. This is itchy. 

I'm still loving where I'm at. I just feel so at home here. There is so much I love about it. Being able to look at the ocean daily is something I don't think I will ever tire of. I've watched hang gliders and para gliders a lot lately. When I was a child I always wanted to try hang gliding even though my mom told me it was a sin as it took unnecessary risk with your life.  Now I'm thinking I will give it or at least para gliding a try. I've been looking into tandem para gliding and while I need to wait until the timing is better financially I'm definitely planning to do it at least once. Even though the kid I saw land last week looked like he was going to puke or pass out. 

I've heard back from my biological mother several times now. I now have more of a health history than I did before which I find somewhat calming although it will possibly lead to a sooner than planned colonoscopy. We've exchanged some information on likes, dislikes etc. she seems pleasant and happy to "talk" to me. She expressed that she was curious about me. Yet it feels like a detached curiosity. I'm not totally sure what I expected but it wasn't really what I got. I had hoped I suppose for a sense that she was proud of me and how I turned out. I knew that a replacement for the mom I no longer have was expecting too much. Even a fabulous and loving relationship wouldn't make up for my mom abandoning me. I do know that. However it still feels like I'm searching for approval from outside of myself which is frustrating. I think I also was hoping or craving a sense of belonging some where or a sense of family that feels at least partly missing from my life. As far as I know I don't have any siblings. 

I'm sure there is more than these few random things but I can't think of anything else at the moment. Hoping I soon can get back to work both for the paycheck and the interaction with other people. 

Newness

Well, I'm here.  I'm in s@nt@ b@rb@r@.  I've been here a little over a week and while it of course decided to get hot here right after I got here, so far I love it.  Getting out of the lease in my previous place has been a bother but it's done I think.  The manager states he has no plans to sue me and told me to go live my life. 

I'm still feeling a bit like I'm in shock with how fast everything happened.  When I came here in May to interview I had looked at apartments and left fairly discouraged. Many places didn't allow pets and if they did it was a two pet limit and apartments went fast.  I sort of figured I would have to find temporary housing or a sublet and then look more once I had moved down here.  I had also resigned myself to the idea that I would maybe have to live 30 miles south of here where there are more housing options.  Never dreaming I would find something here in town and within walking distance and sight of the ocean. Yet I am. The whole thing came together so remarkably easy that I kept expecting it to fall through right up until I moved in. The owners are ok with all three of my cats and are really very friendly. It is a much smaller space so I'm still struggling some trying to fit everything in but it is working out.  I just feel so incredibly lucky or blessed to have this chance to live my dream. It seems like I've spent so many years hoping and wishing for things that never happened and now the things I've dreamed about are happening. I don't know if I'm explaining that well but I had dreamt about having a place along the beach while always believing it wouldn't happen due to cost and availability.  Now here I am and while I'm not right on the beach, I'm only half a block away. I can see it from my apartment and at night when there isn't as much traffic, I can hear the waves.  So while I find myself trying to downsize further and find new creative storage methods I find myself thinking I never want to leave here.

The front of my apartment (it's a duplex).

The view from my apartment!

Whirlwind

I spent a week with my sister. We had a great time, we talked a lot. Laughed and got to know each other better. It helped me see more of my mom's dysfunction (oh yippee) and actually left me feeling a bit like I got off pretty easy since I got out much sooner.  It was hard to send her home again, not knowing what would happen next for her but I hope she knows that I'm always here.

I also accepted the job. Part of me felt like I was being irresponsible to do so after I had just moved into the house I'm renting. Talking to my therapist though helped and while getting out of my lease isn't going to be a cake walk I also know this is something I've been working towards for a long time. A year or so before I completely gave up treatments and decided to live child free I contemplated my plan B. I decided that if I did decide on the child free path, that I could live where ever I wanted regardless of cost of living. Where I wanted to live was near the ocean and preferably s@nt@ b@rb@r@.  I was offered a job in the place I've wanted to live since the first time I went there in 2008.  So I'm going. It's crazy expensive to live there and I'm doing some big down sizing so I can manage in a smaller space. I don't know if I will spend the rest of my life there and that's ok. I don't have to know.  For now though I'm going to give my dream a chance to fly and it's surprising how many things have fallen into place. I'm excited about this next step in my journey. So much so that I'm nearly all repacked again. Course it helps that I hadn't actually finished unpacking yet.

The other step I took was I did send off a letter to my birth mother. I do t know for certain that it will reach her but I hope it does. I also don't know if I will ever receive a response however releasing things seems to be working for me lately, so I'm just hoping for something good and living my life.

Here

My sister is here.  It's been fun and nerve wracking getting to know her as an adult.  Mostly she is good although part of me feels the emotional stuff could be still bubbling under the surface. Trying to figure out how to be supportive and yet let her decision making be at the forefront is a challenge.  

Then to top it all off, Monday I got a call offering me the job I had interviewed for back in May and had been told I wouldn't be eligible for, for another year.  So thinking I was going to be in Fresno for another year or more, I moved into a house and signed a year lease.  

For Now

For now she states she will be on a plane Saturday to come here.  She still doesn't sound good but I'm hoping this is progress.

Struggling

It's been a really rough couple of days here.  Over the weekend I felt like I had a pretty good solid idea on what to say in my letter and that I was willing to write it and send it off into the mail and the universe.  Letting go of the hope I could control, influence or know what would happen. It could go a hundred different ways and trying to plan or imagine what will happen will only make me nuts and won't change anything. I still plan to send it out, but I'm not sure when.

Yesterday's news of Robin Williams suicide hit me really hard.  Whether it's because I know what it feels like to be that sad, lonely and hopeless or for other reasons I haven't pinned down yet it felt awful. My heart breaks for anyone feeling that much sadness and pain.  I woke up late evening yesterday to a phone call from my sister that made the whole depression and suicide thing even more real and scary. I'm worried about her and her emotional state, trying to figure out how to help from several states away.  I'm not sure what is going to happen but I'm hoping to get her out here, at least for a while.  It was all enough for me to email my therapist and ask for an emergency session today.  For now I'm playing things by ear but have a couple different alternate plans figured out. 

As much as I have a difficult time with religion, God etc.  I would appreciate some peaceful healing thoughts and wouldn't even say no thanks to prayers for me and my sis. 

What To Say

Its odd.  I'm usually pretty good at writing letters. Definitely better at conveying what I need to say in writing than I am on the phone or face to face.  I'm having a really hard time though figuring out how to jump into this one though. Or maybe it's just the fear of being rejected.  Again. 

Found?

I think I found her.  I utilized the expertise of a confidential intermediary out of Washington who came up with a very good possibility of a name.  From that I have a phone number and address. And a picture. Since she has an unused FB page. I don't know if it's because I want to but I see what seems like a resemblance.  Wow. This has happened fast.

A Name

I'm typing this out with one finger on my iPad so bear with me if grammar, spelling etc aren't the greatest. 

I've always known I was adopted.  As a child I don't remember it bothering me much.  It's only as an adult that I've had difficulty coping or understanding the whole idea and the ways it has affected my life.  Even seven years ago I denied any negative effects that resulted from this fact. 

A few times when I was younger I made half hearted attempts to locate birth family but always ran into dead ends.  At the time I just assumed that meant I wasn't supposed to find or know.  More recently I at one point joined reunion registry, a few times tried googling info on finding birth family.  Again with very little result.

A few months ago I tried google again, and somehow chanced upon the correct combination of words to get me a little further.  I found a list of confidential intermediaries for Washington state. That lead me to a web page and a FB page. Which lead to a conversation.  Which gave me the info that Washington is very slowly loosening up on information that they will give to adoptees. As of July 1st I could request a copy of my original birth certificate. 

It came in the mail today.  I spent a long time just looking at it.  For the first time. I have a name. I have HER name.  Granted its a ridiculously common name so I'm guessing there is still a great amount of leg work but I know her name. Such a strange and yet hopeful feeling.

I don't know if anyone noticed I had hid my blog for a while or not.  I had a job interview a couple of weeks ago and decided that I didn't want to chance them searching out my blog.  Now that's over and I didn't get the job so I can make it public again although honestly I don't know that I'm that much more likely to post here very often.

The job interview was in Sa*nta Bar*bara.  That place I spent 3 months back in 2008 and LOVED! I was really excited for the interview and very disappointed when I didn't get the job (I didn't have enough experience, they told me to get some more experience and try in a year or two).  However I find myself feeling a bit ambivalent about it.  There were things I liked and things I didn't.  I love the location.  It's sort of a dream to consider living there.  However it's seriously expensive.  Yes I could afford it, but I will never be able to afford the amount of space that I have here.  Basically I'd be paying double for less space.  If I move there I can mostly kiss goodbye my dream of owning a long arm quilting machine as it's unlikely I will ever be able to afford enough space needed to have one.  Also as much as I liked that hospital as a travel RN doing med surg I'm not sure what I think about it working NICU.  Where I am now is a big unit.  Big enough that we always (even at night) have at least an NNP and some residents available with a doctor close by.  They don't have that.  At night it's just the nursing staff.  Which feels intimidating as it seems there could be a lot of liability issues.  That part is scary.  I like where I work.  I like the resources we have and most of the people I work with etc.  The unknown is scary.  So, not only do I not know what is going to happen (will I try again in a year or so?) but I don't know what I want to happen which leaves me feeling uneasy. 

School is still school.  I finally passed statistics.  I'm nearly done with another class and once that's over I have 4 classes left.  Then I'm done and I truly don't think I will ever go back for any further degrees.  I still really struggle with even wanting to do the work I'm doing now.  I don't enjoy it, it doesn't feel like it's something beneficial.  It feels like I'm jumping through hoops trying to get that extra letter added behind my name.  That said, I don't want to end up stuck working in a nursing home ten years from now because I didn't finish this and I have 4 classes left.  I should be done by the end of February.  I hope. 

That and my bankruptcy should be paid off in a little over a year and maybe then I won't feel so much like I'm under someones thumb and answerable to someone else.  Or maybe I still will. I don't know. 

Even with all the unknown, basically life is good.  Sometimes frustrating and annoying but good.  I have a lot I enjoy and a lot to be thankful for.  Once in a while I get a twinge about not having children, then I spend a night at work with a screaming baby and think "Yay! I don't have one of these at home!!!"

Days Going By

Well the days are continuing to go by.  I'm half way through the semester of my statistics class and I'm still passing (I even have an A although I'm not certain how I pulled that off).  Work is work and I enjoy it as much as I'm going to enjoy work.  The long arm machine is going to have to wait.  I found out that I'm not allowed to accrue more debt without a court order at least until my bankruptcy is paid off which is still over a year away.  Frustrating but it makes sense I suppose and life goes on.  I don't want to wait, I want to get started right now but such is life.  In the meantime I'm focusing on saving as much as I can as well. 

I've been slowly working again lately on letting go of the many things I accumulated during my time trying to conceive.  Some things have been easier to let go of than others yet I also still have more.  A few weeks ago my therapist suggested I take photos of the things I'm giving away, then I can make a photo album or something and keep it all together and someplace I can look at and remember without actually keeping all the stuff.  Damn.  I wish I had thought of that several years ago when I gave away almost all of the clothes. Especially since I had A LOT of baby clothes.  As a consumer (and shop-a-holic) I love baby clothes.  As a NICU nurse not so much since taking it all off and putting back on again with all the tubes, cords etc is a pain in the ass but oh how I loved buying baby clothes. 

I've got 3 different quilts I'm working on right now, all different block of the month patterns so each month I get 3 new blocks for the 3 quilts.  I'm also working on doing the actual quilting on a top I finished last year.  Doing it on my regular domestic machine is a lot more difficult and slower but I really feel like I want to finish my projects myself instead of sending them off to someone else to finish.  Add to that I'd rather not have my quilt tops sitting in a closet for the next 2 years and I guess I will get started.  I did take the class to become certified on using the long arm at a local shop that rents by the hour but I didn't love their machine and mostly what they taught was loading your quilt on the frame and then how to use the computer to do the quilting for you which I don't want to do.  I also realized that unless I was renting fairly frequently (at least once a week) I wouldn't be able to get enough practice in to be good enough at free motion quilting to really do one of my own quilts so I don't know how likely I am to use the shops machine.

That is about all that has been going on in my life.  I'm sticking to taking just one class at a time for school so I still have plenty of time for sewing or reading or whatever.  That way I can maintain my sanity and keep my whining about how I don't want to spend the time or money to a minimum. 

Answer

Well I have my answer on the machine. It sold to someone else.  I'm really ok with this as it ends the decision frustration for me and gives me some time to be a bit calmer in my overtime efforts at work etc. 60 hours work in 5 nights really isn't a good idea.  Who knows, maybe a better machine or better timing will happen in the future.

Maybe

I've had a busy month with trying to keep up with my statistics class, work and trying to enjoy myself too. Work had been so slow over the holidays and then got crazy busy plus having sick calls.  This last week I decided I needed to maybe cash in on all the sick calls and pick up some overtime.  I worked two extra nights and then got sick myself. Oh goody.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about the long arm and potential business that I could maybe start. I don't honestly know where I am. I go back and forth between thinking its a great idea and thinking its crazy.  Regardless if I started a business I'd still love to have the machine at least to do my own quilting. With that in mind I've done some looking around and possibly found a machine. 

It's a used machine that is the brand and make I really wanted to get.  The price is good.  However it will still be a stretch to come up with the amount within a relatively short amount of time.  I go back and forth on this a lot too.  One minute I'm sure I'm going to buy it.  The next I've convinced myself to walk away, only to go back again to thinking I want to get it.  So, no idea what will happen next. 

Thanks

Thanks so far for the input to my last post.  I started off replying via e-mail but then figured I'd put my replay out here. 

Paige - thanks for the kind words.  It's much appreciated and you're right that the year of saving may give me more time for planning and contemplation.

Mrs. Spock - I did look and there is a local chapter of SCORE and they gave a list of questions to answer prior to making an appointment with them etc.  All good things to think about and I'm working on the list and hope to eventually get some input from them.

Abby - I'll try to remember that although no promises.  I'm guessing regular posting might help increase my readership too.  I truly can't make many promises about that either.  I sometimes just don't know what's worth throwing out to the world and whats not.  Plus not feeling like I fit in anywhere in blogland anymore now that I'm no longer TTC and don't really blog about child free living specifically.  I tend to feel like my life (diarist) is just not that interesting and often only blog something that I feel a need to vent on and don't have another avenue that feels safe for doing so (such as FB rarely feels safe enough).

Lollypop Goldstein - I haven't spoken to Julie as I don't know her or that she quilts. It's a definite idea though.  I know some quilters are intent to do all the work themselves, others aren't as concerned by that and will let someone else doing the quilting portion.  I've done some of my own quilting (so far very basic and all straight line) and had someone do it for me on larger quilts that are difficult to do on my machine (although not impossible as I've recently been shown by an amazing teacher and quilter) or when I wanted something special done (like on my Halloween quilt).  I am working on talking to others who have a quilting business to get a feel for need and how to get started.  As far as etsy goes I sort of gave up on etsy.  Unless you advertise a lot or list things regularly/daily it's hard to be seen by random people who don't know you and aren't looking specifically for you.  When looking on etsy for something (such as a baby blanket) it's going to list the most recent things listed first so if it's been more than a day or so mine will probably not be seen as so many different things will come up and after like 3 months your listing expires and drops off completely.  Another problem I encountered is the price I was listing my blankets for barely if even covered the cost of supplies.  I could list for higher price so that I was actually making something on them but I know I'm less likely to buy something higher priced off the internet if I can't look at and touch before I buy.  

Busy Brain

My mind is as usual busy.  Just running like it does but there are specific things running right now.  Ideas and plans and maybes. So I thought I would throw this out here to blog land and say that hey if there is anyone out there, I wouldn't mind some feedback on these ideas and plans. 
I'm thinking about trying to start a business.  I haven't decided yet if this is a cool idea that could work out and eventually be awesome or if it's a little crazy.  In the past I have attempted a few times to sell various arts and crafts things and while I've done okay at it I never did fabulous but this was largely due to cost of supplies etc and not being able to sell things for what they are worth.  I had fun with doing it though and I never really regretted the time, effort, and money I put into these projects.  I've also attempted twice to be an independent sales representative for a couple different companies, which admittedly I didn't do very good at. The first time was rubber stamps with *stam*pin up.  I loved the product at the time and mostly wanted to get my stamps cheaper although I did have fantasies of find a customer like myself who was just discovering it and wanted it all! The reality was that the company was 10 years old at the time and most people who were into the hobby already had a demonstrator they bought from.  My upline who had been a demonstrator for nearly the whole 10 years made really great money with the company but she had tons of customers and people under her.  It was fun while it lasted but I had a pretty hard time keeping up with the $300 in quarterly sales required and after about 2 years gave up.  The second time I tried was m*a*r*y k*a*y.  Again, I loved the product but it's been around for a long time.  Most people who use the product have a representative for it and I encountered a lot of people who said they were allergic to the make up.  Plus it was hard to compete with those who had some of every single item so when a customer called and wanted something they could hand it over on the spot instead of waiting for an order to come in.  I couldn't afford to have all that product plus it would have been a huge waste since I never really sold much. Again after about 2 years I gave up. 
Now I'm thinking about trying something again.  I want to start a long arm quilting business.  The initial start up would be expensive.  The machines aren't cheap at all.  Having used one only a few times I'm not great at it although I know with practice I could become great at it.  After the machine purchase there wouldn't be a ton of other costs.  It's something that I would do out of my home and I would be doing other peoples quilts in addition to my own.  I spoke with someone the other day who was in the quilting class I took who said when she got started she offered to quilt the quilts for her local quilt shop for free if they would just put her name on it as quilted by.  She says she is now doing about 8 quilts a month and has been so busy she hasn't launched her website that her husband made for her (she works full time also). 
I figure it's going to be probably a year or so before I can get the machine unless I manage somehow to get a screaming deal on one somewhere.  I'm trying to figure out how to effectively budget and lower my expenses in a way that will allow me to save the most possible to be able to buy the machine in a year or so.  I just found out there is possibly a place in Fresno where I can rent time and there is a shop about an hour and a half away that will allow me to rent time by the hour on their machine to practice and there are a few other shops a bit further away that will do the same.  Going to the various places to spend time on the various machines would give me a chance to try out several different brands to maybe narrow down what I'm looking for.  It would also give me a chance to get some practice in to start improving my techniques and abilities. 
Down side if it doesn't work is that I will have spent a fairly large amount of money on a personal machine.  If I can afford the machine though this isn't a huge draw back as I would still use it for myself.  I don't plan to buy the machine unless I can afford it or the payments.  Meaning I'm not going to agree to payments I can't afford on the idea that I will make money that will cover the payments.  The biggest thing this means is that I may end up choosing a machine without all the bells and whistles that I would love to have and that might make a business easier but that I can survive without and that I can possibly add later.
Upsides are there too.  I'd be doing something I love and I'd be creating something.  There could be some tax benefits.  I think there is also a possibility that I could get some work doing teaching of quilting stuff as well, either locally or maybe not so locally. I don't necessarily see a point where I would give up being a nurse (at least before I'm 70) but if I did well enough at it, I could possibly cut back to just working as an RN part time which I'd love to do eventually.
The annoying voice in my head, which I am getting better at quieting and ignoring (she sounds a bit like my mom) of course says that I'll never make enough money at it and its the equivalent of deciding to be an artist which almost never works as a career.  Like I said, I'm getting better at ignoring that voice. I know it is possible to be moderately successful at this. I may never be famous or make millions of dollars but that isn't my goal.  My goal is to do something I enjoy and share it with others. I know it would take a lot of work and a lot of putting myself out there.  I need to be prepared to learn techniques and business tools.  The part of me that is ignoring that other voice and working hard to believe in myself says I'm pretty sure I can do it and do it fairly well.
So. Any thoughts?

An Ah-ha Moment

These Ah-ha moments keep happening in my life.  Moments where all of the sudden things I've thought or believed for years or habits I've had finally make sense.  While it's often a relief to know the why behind the problem, it can also be frustrating as it feels like something else to work on. 
I had another one recently that has sort of left my mind spinning a bit more than usual. I've mentioned on here before that as a child my mom used to tell about how Jehovah's Witness were tortured in Nazi Germany like the Jewish people were and that it could all happen again. As a child she used to tell me how people could come take me away from my parents, torture me and even kill me to get me to say something against God.  And she wondered why I was afraid of the freaking dark??  A side part of this belief was that I could (and should) expect to be disliked or even hated for my religious beliefs. 
See where this is going? Yeah.  For as long as I can remember I've always had this feeling or expectation that I would be disliked if people really knew me.  If they really knew who I was, what I believed in, what was important to me, that I wouldn't be likeable.  So I spent all of my childhood and a great portion of my adult life to this point trying to be whatever the person or people around me would find likeable. That was hugely tiring and I think at some point I decided that I was tired of pretending to be something I wasn't but yet in order to protect myself I pushed most everyone away to a safe distance so that it wouldn't matter if they didn't like me or who I truly was.  I think this also factors in at least somewhat in how hard I find it now to have someone I've considered a friend who speaks out vocally against something I believe in.  Like gay marriage or equal rights for everyone.  How can I be friends with someone who is against something I believe so strongly in supporting.  Yet if I eliminate the possibility of friendship with someone because they don't share my beliefs does that make me as bad as those who I fear would dislike me because of what I believe in?  This is what I've had a difficult time with lately.  Well that and the whole fear of being disliked.  Yeah, that's still there.