So I'm typing this out on my iPad and I'll try to proof read it but bear with any mistakes or typos please. It's easier to sit on the couch and keep an eye on things hence I'm using the iPad. Funny thing is that this week with me trying to stay away from FB and Pinterest I haven't had nearly as much use for the iPad outside of checking email.
I've done good at staying away from Pinterest and have been on FB a couple times a day but not much really. I just do an occasional post but I just feel like there is a lot I can't or don't want to say there. I just feel overwhelmed and yet down as well right now. The depression has been there and lingering for a while. At least since around October. Yet it seems to be getting worse although I do have ok or even really good days. I can't tell if the new medication my doctor started me on is helping or just destroying my concentration right now. Or if the fact that I have the attention span of a gnat is completely unrelated. I know that I feel very negative towards myself and my actions and I've been rather impulsive in a lot of ways. So with all of that I finally called the therapist I had started seeing after my gastric bypass and I have an appointment on Saturday.
Maybe I can start to make sense of things, find some better coping mechanisms than I'm using now and hold things all together because I don't feel like I'm doing such a great job right now.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Pinterest?
When everyone first started posted about pinterest I had no idea what it was but it sounded kind of stupid. Then someone explained it to me and it sounded a bit more interesting and so I decided to give it a look. Then I was hooked.
The first couple of weeks after I was out of the hospital most of my time was spent playing on my ipad which consisted mostly of time playing with FB and Pinterest. Part of that was likely because I was too whacked out on pain meds to completely concentrate on reading or TV. I also had no desire to do much of anything. So I spent a lot of time finding new pins. A LOT of TIME!
So with last weeks decision to step away from FB a little as it's just not what it was when I first started using it. It seems that instead of a way to connect anymore it's used more often to try to influence others to agree with your point of view. Or at least that is my perspective of it lately. However I came to realize something else this morning. Pinterest is just influencing me to want things I don't have. Some things that would be useful but often things I don't need. I see lots of pictures of cupcakes and all of the sudden I really want a cupcake. I don't need one but I want one. Yes I can get worthwhile stuff off Pinterest such as recipes (which I haven't really tried that many of but I can say that the pumpkin dump cake recipe is to die for!) and ideas for organization tips etc can be really helpful. However if I'm spending all my time playing on Pinterest, I'm probably not organizing or cooking or cleaning. It also makes me see a lot of stuff that I want. Stuff I don't likely need but that I want, which will in turn further the whole shopping habit. I've spent a ridiculous amount of money the last few months on quilting stuff and truly, I now have enough quilting projects to keep me busy for possibly the next 10 years if you factor in my rate of how long it takes me to complete a project.
To some extent I think this is part of the American culture or the culture of today. Seeing what others have and wanting it. I think of how much traveling I could have done if I hadn't spent so much money on stuff that I liked but didn't really need. Even some of my quilting projects. Especially if they sit in my closet undone.
Maybe I need to step away from Pinterest a little bit too.
The first couple of weeks after I was out of the hospital most of my time was spent playing on my ipad which consisted mostly of time playing with FB and Pinterest. Part of that was likely because I was too whacked out on pain meds to completely concentrate on reading or TV. I also had no desire to do much of anything. So I spent a lot of time finding new pins. A LOT of TIME!
So with last weeks decision to step away from FB a little as it's just not what it was when I first started using it. It seems that instead of a way to connect anymore it's used more often to try to influence others to agree with your point of view. Or at least that is my perspective of it lately. However I came to realize something else this morning. Pinterest is just influencing me to want things I don't have. Some things that would be useful but often things I don't need. I see lots of pictures of cupcakes and all of the sudden I really want a cupcake. I don't need one but I want one. Yes I can get worthwhile stuff off Pinterest such as recipes (which I haven't really tried that many of but I can say that the pumpkin dump cake recipe is to die for!) and ideas for organization tips etc can be really helpful. However if I'm spending all my time playing on Pinterest, I'm probably not organizing or cooking or cleaning. It also makes me see a lot of stuff that I want. Stuff I don't likely need but that I want, which will in turn further the whole shopping habit. I've spent a ridiculous amount of money the last few months on quilting stuff and truly, I now have enough quilting projects to keep me busy for possibly the next 10 years if you factor in my rate of how long it takes me to complete a project.
To some extent I think this is part of the American culture or the culture of today. Seeing what others have and wanting it. I think of how much traveling I could have done if I hadn't spent so much money on stuff that I liked but didn't really need. Even some of my quilting projects. Especially if they sit in my closet undone.
Maybe I need to step away from Pinterest a little bit too.
Friday, January 25, 2013
One More Week
Well even though I was released to go back to work next Wednesday on the 30th, the schedule is covered for the last half of the week at work. After some unnecessary stressing and a mostly sleepless night I spoke to my manager yesterday and we decided I'd use a couple of vacation days and take all of next week off as well and start back to work on the 3rd. I've been really sore the last few days so the extra rest will be good.
I am now the proud owner of my very own Costco card. In my own name and everything. I'll figure out a way to let mom know she no longer has to pay for my account and it's sort of a nice feeling to have finally cut that string. I'm also an owner to a new and expensive vacuum bought on my own membership since mine seems to have died last night. Funny that there was a rep from Dyson at Costco today and I asked about what quit working. She said yes it was fixable, likely would cost about 150-200 to fix. On a nearly 6 year old vacuum. When I could get a brand new one for 389. Now my goal is to not suck up any socks or puppy potty pads which I think led to the early demise of previous vacuum.
I also finally found a pair of jeans that mostly fits. That said it would probably be good to find someone who can do alterations. Now with my flatter stomach I find that the pants that fit in the thighs and ass are way to big in the stomach. I've been to so many stores the last week trying to find pants that I like how they fit with no success. Finally today I went to the larger women's store. Their sizes only go down to a 14 so I wasn't sure if they would fit but they did. Still a little baggy in the front but mostly ok. They are actually roomier in the thighs which is nice. Plus I really like the styles with a little bling on them but lets face it, I can't pull off true skinny jeans at all and the low ride style isn't my favorite. I did try some of the low rise pants on but I could tell they would drive me crazy. I'd end up spending all of my time trying to pull my pants up or trying to cover my ass crack every time I bent over or sat down. No thanks. Another up side is that I had discovered the larger ladies store also had boots that fit my insanely large calves. I love boots and yet never can find any that will go around my calves. Now I've found them. Granted I didn't buy them today as I was already spending way to much money and spring is on it's way but hey, next year I know where to look.
I was reading another blog post tonight that talked about her period being a constant reminder of her inability to conceive. I related so much to this as my period and the whole cervical mucous indicating possible ovulation felt like my body mocking me every month. To some extent this was a factor in my seeking a hysterectomy. It wasn't the only factor. I did have health reasons as well but to me it was also a mental health reason. It has been so nice to not have to deal with all of that the last couple of months and to not wonder if there will be some long term effects from all the fertility medications.
The rest of my week has been fairly uneventful. Uneventful is good though and I'll take it.
I am now the proud owner of my very own Costco card. In my own name and everything. I'll figure out a way to let mom know she no longer has to pay for my account and it's sort of a nice feeling to have finally cut that string. I'm also an owner to a new and expensive vacuum bought on my own membership since mine seems to have died last night. Funny that there was a rep from Dyson at Costco today and I asked about what quit working. She said yes it was fixable, likely would cost about 150-200 to fix. On a nearly 6 year old vacuum. When I could get a brand new one for 389. Now my goal is to not suck up any socks or puppy potty pads which I think led to the early demise of previous vacuum.
I also finally found a pair of jeans that mostly fits. That said it would probably be good to find someone who can do alterations. Now with my flatter stomach I find that the pants that fit in the thighs and ass are way to big in the stomach. I've been to so many stores the last week trying to find pants that I like how they fit with no success. Finally today I went to the larger women's store. Their sizes only go down to a 14 so I wasn't sure if they would fit but they did. Still a little baggy in the front but mostly ok. They are actually roomier in the thighs which is nice. Plus I really like the styles with a little bling on them but lets face it, I can't pull off true skinny jeans at all and the low ride style isn't my favorite. I did try some of the low rise pants on but I could tell they would drive me crazy. I'd end up spending all of my time trying to pull my pants up or trying to cover my ass crack every time I bent over or sat down. No thanks. Another up side is that I had discovered the larger ladies store also had boots that fit my insanely large calves. I love boots and yet never can find any that will go around my calves. Now I've found them. Granted I didn't buy them today as I was already spending way to much money and spring is on it's way but hey, next year I know where to look.
I was reading another blog post tonight that talked about her period being a constant reminder of her inability to conceive. I related so much to this as my period and the whole cervical mucous indicating possible ovulation felt like my body mocking me every month. To some extent this was a factor in my seeking a hysterectomy. It wasn't the only factor. I did have health reasons as well but to me it was also a mental health reason. It has been so nice to not have to deal with all of that the last couple of months and to not wonder if there will be some long term effects from all the fertility medications.
The rest of my week has been fairly uneventful. Uneventful is good though and I'll take it.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Seven Weeks
It's hard to believe that it's been 7 weeks today since I had surgery. Wow. I had so many plans for that time and let me tell you, I got almost none of them done. I did finish a quilt for a friend and that's about it. Other than that I read, a lot. Also this post is a bit all over the place as I have so much bouncing around in my head.
Recovery was a lot worse than I thought it would be (I should have known better knowing I was pretty much having 3 different procedures done I know), but I'm through the worst of it. I still get uncomfortable if I'm on my feet a lot which worries me about going back to work but I'm sure I'll get through it. I've been released now by two of my three doctors. Yay! Especially the urologist as his office is always so freaking behind.
Emotionally I'm doing a bit better. My regular doctor started me on a second medication and then this week I did start hormone replacement therapy. I had decided to wait and see on the HRT and for the first 5 weeks or so I thought cool, I won't need that as I was freezing constantly. Then about a week ago the hot flashes started. And kept getting worse. Holy hell did they get worse. That along with the mood issue made me think that for now it's the better option so I'll see how it goes. Of course the acquaintance mentioned in previous posts that had opinions on my taking pain medication 2 weeks after surgery had an opinion on HRT as well so I just kept my mouth shut on what meds I'm taking. None of her freaking business either. Yes I know I should stand up for myself more maybe although I have been standing up to her and I've also decided that since it's not likely to be a long term friendship I can hold my tongue and not tell her stuff that isn't her business although I have pointed out to her that our tastes in many things (other than our craft habits) is vastly different. She's nice in some ways but very opinionated and I tend to be a bit weak at standing up for myself or feeling walked on. However I'm finding that if I just don't discuss certain things then I don't end up feeling like my beliefs or feelings are being stomped on. I don't know if that makes sense to most but for now it works.
This week I've also taken a bit of a step back from FB. No I haven't unfriended some of those that have been annoying me. Mostly what's been annoying me is all the political posting stuff and all the gun stuff. On one had I respect peoples right to have guns within reason but god dang I'm tired of seeing pictures of guns plastered all over FB. That and it seems like so few people any more post anything about what they're doing, just other pictures they picked up somewhere on the internet. For me FB was a way to connect with people I had lost contact with or people that I didn't see very often. It just feels like I don't get that anymore. I don't deny that I'm sure there are those who don't love or agree with everything I share as well but I like to think that I stay fairly conservative with what I share. I also know that lately I've been a bit over sensitive and maybe stepping away is a good thing.
One thing I've been afraid to say much about is my decision to rehome one of my cats. Last year I had adopted a 9 year old at the time Cornish Rex from a local shelter. I had a friend from work who had seen her at the shelter and was told that she wasn't up for adoption. When I went out to see her they were more receptive to letting her be adopted when I told them I had 2 other Cornish Rex's and I ended up taking her home that day. She took to me or claimed me right away but has never gotten along with my other two cats. I've had problems non stop with inappropriate urination with her (she peed all over my hallway, on a chair numerous times, a towel on the kitchen counter, a shelf in the bathroom, stacks of towels in the bathroom, in a change dish, on clothes on the dresser, on some stuffed animals on a shelf including a teddy bear I've had since I was a year and a half old, and on my bed). How much of this was territorial or related to my other older cat who thinks she's a dog and insists on using puppy potty pads I have no idea but she did seem re trainable when I left her with my vet over a weekend where she was confined and when she came home she stuck with the litter box. She continued however to be very aggressive to my other two cats who both lived here before she did. After a year I realized that she wasn't going to get any better with them and would likely be happier herself as an only cat. So right before Christmas I started looking for a new home for her. Last week I found someone who knowing all of her quirks was still interested in adopting her and so Saturday I met the person half way between our homes and did the exchange. I'm hopeful it works out well, sad because I did really love her and also feeling a bit like a failure as the last two rescue animals I've adopted seem to have been such a bad fit for me or my home. I've got my other two cats whom I love to pieces, they're my babies since I won't be having any babies. Yet I still feel myself yearning to have a dog. I miss having a dog. A dog that I can interact with without it shitting itself in fear. I know my schedule isn't ideal for having a dog but I also believe that I could make it work if I found the right dog. I'm just scared of failing again and disliking myself more because of it.
Recovery was a lot worse than I thought it would be (I should have known better knowing I was pretty much having 3 different procedures done I know), but I'm through the worst of it. I still get uncomfortable if I'm on my feet a lot which worries me about going back to work but I'm sure I'll get through it. I've been released now by two of my three doctors. Yay! Especially the urologist as his office is always so freaking behind.
Emotionally I'm doing a bit better. My regular doctor started me on a second medication and then this week I did start hormone replacement therapy. I had decided to wait and see on the HRT and for the first 5 weeks or so I thought cool, I won't need that as I was freezing constantly. Then about a week ago the hot flashes started. And kept getting worse. Holy hell did they get worse. That along with the mood issue made me think that for now it's the better option so I'll see how it goes. Of course the acquaintance mentioned in previous posts that had opinions on my taking pain medication 2 weeks after surgery had an opinion on HRT as well so I just kept my mouth shut on what meds I'm taking. None of her freaking business either. Yes I know I should stand up for myself more maybe although I have been standing up to her and I've also decided that since it's not likely to be a long term friendship I can hold my tongue and not tell her stuff that isn't her business although I have pointed out to her that our tastes in many things (other than our craft habits) is vastly different. She's nice in some ways but very opinionated and I tend to be a bit weak at standing up for myself or feeling walked on. However I'm finding that if I just don't discuss certain things then I don't end up feeling like my beliefs or feelings are being stomped on. I don't know if that makes sense to most but for now it works.
This week I've also taken a bit of a step back from FB. No I haven't unfriended some of those that have been annoying me. Mostly what's been annoying me is all the political posting stuff and all the gun stuff. On one had I respect peoples right to have guns within reason but god dang I'm tired of seeing pictures of guns plastered all over FB. That and it seems like so few people any more post anything about what they're doing, just other pictures they picked up somewhere on the internet. For me FB was a way to connect with people I had lost contact with or people that I didn't see very often. It just feels like I don't get that anymore. I don't deny that I'm sure there are those who don't love or agree with everything I share as well but I like to think that I stay fairly conservative with what I share. I also know that lately I've been a bit over sensitive and maybe stepping away is a good thing.
One thing I've been afraid to say much about is my decision to rehome one of my cats. Last year I had adopted a 9 year old at the time Cornish Rex from a local shelter. I had a friend from work who had seen her at the shelter and was told that she wasn't up for adoption. When I went out to see her they were more receptive to letting her be adopted when I told them I had 2 other Cornish Rex's and I ended up taking her home that day. She took to me or claimed me right away but has never gotten along with my other two cats. I've had problems non stop with inappropriate urination with her (she peed all over my hallway, on a chair numerous times, a towel on the kitchen counter, a shelf in the bathroom, stacks of towels in the bathroom, in a change dish, on clothes on the dresser, on some stuffed animals on a shelf including a teddy bear I've had since I was a year and a half old, and on my bed). How much of this was territorial or related to my other older cat who thinks she's a dog and insists on using puppy potty pads I have no idea but she did seem re trainable when I left her with my vet over a weekend where she was confined and when she came home she stuck with the litter box. She continued however to be very aggressive to my other two cats who both lived here before she did. After a year I realized that she wasn't going to get any better with them and would likely be happier herself as an only cat. So right before Christmas I started looking for a new home for her. Last week I found someone who knowing all of her quirks was still interested in adopting her and so Saturday I met the person half way between our homes and did the exchange. I'm hopeful it works out well, sad because I did really love her and also feeling a bit like a failure as the last two rescue animals I've adopted seem to have been such a bad fit for me or my home. I've got my other two cats whom I love to pieces, they're my babies since I won't be having any babies. Yet I still feel myself yearning to have a dog. I miss having a dog. A dog that I can interact with without it shitting itself in fear. I know my schedule isn't ideal for having a dog but I also believe that I could make it work if I found the right dog. I'm just scared of failing again and disliking myself more because of it.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Just Another Monday
Good to know that there are still a few people out there. I still have so many days where I have stuff bouncing around in my head that I want to post about but then once I sit down I can't seem to put it all in writing.
So I'm still here, feeling a whole lot more human although if I spend a lot of time on my feet I still am uncomfortable. This worries me as I should be going back to work in less than a week if not sooner. Not sure yet how I will do with a 12 hour shift. Overall though it sure has been nice to not have a period. Granted the menopause symptoms seem to be kicking in some now. For the first 5 weeks or so I was cold so much that I didn't have too many hot flashes. The last week or so the hot flashes have been very frequent. So I'm guessing that tomorrow at my follow up appointment with the GYN we'll be discussing hormone replacement therapy. Also when I saw my regular doctor last week he started me on a second medication for the depression. I was a bit resistant at first but then it was like, why resist. The goal is to feel better. To not feel sad all the time and to treat a medical condition.
I did end up dropping my statistics class. I mostly just couldn't focus on it and it just didn't feel worth it. So I'll pick it up in May with the nursing program I'm in or maybe pay an arm and a leg for a local class here where I have a class to go to.
I'm trying to organize some more, get rid of stuff I don't need or use and generally clean up. It's funny to me the things that I have a hard time giving up. I've managed to gradually get rid of a lot of the stuff I had for my someday baby but there are a few things I'm still having a hard time giving up. Some of it I wish I had someone I could give it to that would love it as much as I did. Most of it I wish I had never bought. Live and learn I guess.
The week before last I sold the huge sectional couch I had that took up my entire living room and then some and bought a much smaller couch at C0stc0 which I like so much better. That whole trip to C0stc0 ended up being an interesting visit. When I was paying the clerk informed me that I was no longer an executive member and that if I upgraded again I would get a check for $75. I explained that the account was through my mom and that she paid the dues, I just got the second card. He started to tell me that I should discuss with my mom about upgrading again etc at which point I ended up just blurting out, she doesn't speak to me, She gives me one of her c0stco cards but she doesn't speak to me. Yeah, that was a little uncomfortable. This left me thinking that maybe it's time I got my own dang membership. For one thing for the last 4 years or so she has been getting the rebate on what I was spending and there have been several fairly big items in there. Plus I'm 42, I make decent money and can afford my own membership and if I did it I would never again have to have that conversation. Or the one where they were trying to look up my account when I lost my card and I couldn't tell them my mom's address, phone number, or even for sure how her last name was spelled. But as the guy at customer service pointed out today, heck it's free. Why worry. I'm not paying anything for it. The more I think about it though it's the idea of it. This is maybe my last string attached to my mom. Outside of this I have had no contact at all with her since 2006 and haven't actually spoken since 2005. We haven't been on good terms since 2000. This is mostly all her choice. I could possibly push things and have some sort of relationship with her but it would include a lot of toxic elements such as guilt trips, bad feelings etc and I'm not willing to let all that negativity into my life so that she will speak to me. If she can't accept me as I am an agree to disagree on the religion topic then I don't need someone to make me feel bad about myself, frustrate me or add unnecessary drama to my life.
So I'm still here, feeling a whole lot more human although if I spend a lot of time on my feet I still am uncomfortable. This worries me as I should be going back to work in less than a week if not sooner. Not sure yet how I will do with a 12 hour shift. Overall though it sure has been nice to not have a period. Granted the menopause symptoms seem to be kicking in some now. For the first 5 weeks or so I was cold so much that I didn't have too many hot flashes. The last week or so the hot flashes have been very frequent. So I'm guessing that tomorrow at my follow up appointment with the GYN we'll be discussing hormone replacement therapy. Also when I saw my regular doctor last week he started me on a second medication for the depression. I was a bit resistant at first but then it was like, why resist. The goal is to feel better. To not feel sad all the time and to treat a medical condition.
I did end up dropping my statistics class. I mostly just couldn't focus on it and it just didn't feel worth it. So I'll pick it up in May with the nursing program I'm in or maybe pay an arm and a leg for a local class here where I have a class to go to.
I'm trying to organize some more, get rid of stuff I don't need or use and generally clean up. It's funny to me the things that I have a hard time giving up. I've managed to gradually get rid of a lot of the stuff I had for my someday baby but there are a few things I'm still having a hard time giving up. Some of it I wish I had someone I could give it to that would love it as much as I did. Most of it I wish I had never bought. Live and learn I guess.
The week before last I sold the huge sectional couch I had that took up my entire living room and then some and bought a much smaller couch at C0stc0 which I like so much better. That whole trip to C0stc0 ended up being an interesting visit. When I was paying the clerk informed me that I was no longer an executive member and that if I upgraded again I would get a check for $75. I explained that the account was through my mom and that she paid the dues, I just got the second card. He started to tell me that I should discuss with my mom about upgrading again etc at which point I ended up just blurting out, she doesn't speak to me, She gives me one of her c0stco cards but she doesn't speak to me. Yeah, that was a little uncomfortable. This left me thinking that maybe it's time I got my own dang membership. For one thing for the last 4 years or so she has been getting the rebate on what I was spending and there have been several fairly big items in there. Plus I'm 42, I make decent money and can afford my own membership and if I did it I would never again have to have that conversation. Or the one where they were trying to look up my account when I lost my card and I couldn't tell them my mom's address, phone number, or even for sure how her last name was spelled. But as the guy at customer service pointed out today, heck it's free. Why worry. I'm not paying anything for it. The more I think about it though it's the idea of it. This is maybe my last string attached to my mom. Outside of this I have had no contact at all with her since 2006 and haven't actually spoken since 2005. We haven't been on good terms since 2000. This is mostly all her choice. I could possibly push things and have some sort of relationship with her but it would include a lot of toxic elements such as guilt trips, bad feelings etc and I'm not willing to let all that negativity into my life so that she will speak to me. If she can't accept me as I am an agree to disagree on the religion topic then I don't need someone to make me feel bad about myself, frustrate me or add unnecessary drama to my life.
Sunday, January 06, 2013
Delurking, Harry Potter and Stuff
So Mel pointed out that this is blog delurking week. I'm honestly curious if there is much of anyone still out there. I don't get many comments anymore but then I've been fairly bad the last year or more about blogging, commenting etc myself so I can't say much.She had prompted readers to leave a comment with maybe what Harry Potter character your most like. The very first response the popped into my head was Snape since I'm not sure if many people know who I really am at all. Mel sent me a very sweet e-mail back which will probably sit in my inbox for a while. I tend to do that. When I get messages that make me feel good I leave them where I can reread them.
The thing about my comment though feels so true, especially right now. There are those who have read my blog in the past that probably know more about me than people I interact with on a daily basis. I feel like there are so few people in my life who truly know me and accept me and all my little faults or quirks or whatever. This is sometimes so incredibly frustrating as I feel like I'm always keeping my mouth shut and trying not to create disharmony or confrontation. Some of this is my overwhelming fear of confrontation and my fear of not being able to back up my beliefs. I know I believe Obama was the best choice for president for so many reasons but I fear not being able to factually back up that belief. Which is a fairly rational fear since I don't watch a lot of news or read news papers etc. I just know that the other side stood for or supported so much that I didn't believe in. So in the 6 months or so leading up to the election and to some extent since then I've scrolled past all of the posts on Facebook that drive me nuts and I've refrained from being another one of those to throw up all of the opposite stuff because that's not what I go to Facebook for. I go to Facebook to connect with friends and relatives that I don't often connect with otherwise. It just starts to feel sometimes though like I'm not sure I want to connect with some of these people anymore. Which maybe means I should drastically shorten my friends list or just step away.
I'm also dealing with an acquaintance/friend that I don't quite know what to do with. She's a co-worker who I started off spending time with due to one common interest. Turns out that we don't really have many other common interests. There have been things said that seriously bothered me, I blogged about one of them a couple of weeks ago and I want to vent but yet I know that I shouldn't blog about something I'm not willing to say to her face. Basically I'll leave it at I don't know what to do with the friendship. She is wanting a lot more of my time and space than I feel willing to give and I don't know how to deal with it. Partially because I suck at standing up for myself and confrontation.
Then there's Harry Potter. Mel has been talking about Harry Potter a lot lately and Pottermore which I have avoided as I probably really don't need something else to waste time on. I have homework (which I really have no desire to do), I have a ton of quilting projects to work on, start, finish etc that I could be doing. So I don't need more distractions. However I have noticed in the past a tendency towards avoidance when it comes to depression. When I'm down and having a hard time I tend to bury myself in books. Books that I know will make me feel good. Hence Harry Potter. Frequently if I'm feeling down I start rereading the Harry Potter books. It's a coping mechanism and maybe not the best one but hey, for now it works.
Don't worry, I have a doctors appointment in a couple of weeks where I plan to discuss the fact that the prozac just doesn't feel like it's working all that well any more. Yes I am aware that this can be hormonal as I just threw myself into a surgically induced menopause a little over a month ago but the general feelings of down or sad or disinterest or whatever have been going on for a while. Granted they're worse now but it's been at least since October.
There's so much more bouncing around in my head right now but I think this is getting awfully serious for just a delurking post to say hey, is anyone still out there?
Saturday, January 05, 2013
New Year, New Me?
So I was looking back at my last post and there seemed to be a lot of typos. I swear I wasn't even that drugged anymore. Granted any FB posts or blog posts or whatever the first two weeks after surgery? I was pretty much high as a kite.
I'm finally starting to feel a lot better. Still not fabulous and still not ready to work a 12 hour shift but at least human. I had a really good talk with the plastic surgeon this last week which also helped my perspective. My initial appointment with her had been back in August and was to see if the insurance would cover the panniculectomy and what the additional tummy tuck would cost and if it was even possible to do. I was afraid she would tell me I hadn't lost enough weight and it couldn't be done. So at the time we didn't know for sure if surgery would even happen. I had discussed with her how much I hated staying in hospitals and she had stated she would be ok with sending me home day of surgery and we also briefly discussed whether it was possible to do the hysterectomy at the same time which she stated she was ok with. She had told me that often people go back to work after 2-3 weeks although with the hysterectomy I'd be able to take the 6 weeks off. With that discussion in my head I truly didn't think the recovery for this would be all that bad. I figured after a week or maybe two I'd be fine and then have some nice time off. So it really knocked me for a loop how hard this hit me.
So at my one month appointment the other day I asked her about it. Basically a lot of what she was telling me at my initial appointment was pertaining to the tummy tuck portion of surgery. For that most people are self pay and go home day of surgery and choose to go back to work as soon as possible because of having limited paid time off available. She admitted that with adding the panniculectomy which was often covered by insurance and the hysterectomy and bladder suspension it did all drastically increase my recovery time and how I could expect to feel. I asked about various aches and pains. The feeling of almost cramping (which is hugely annoying since hello I know the old uterus and ovaries are gone so WTF?) that is related to the hysterectomy. The first couple of weeks I didn't notice much abdominal muscle tightness (could be because I was taking the valium religiously every 6 hours as prescribed and the norco/percocet every 4) but the last week or so I've had a persistent ache to my abdominal muscles. She said yes, that's related to the tummy tuck and will get better. I told her the skin around my belly button is numb but I can feel pulling behind my belly button. Yup, normal. I was cleared to start doing some light core strengthening exercises but no sit ups. Ha I don't do sit ups anyway so no worries there. I can start out though with the elliptical and a stationary bike. She was a little worried about my balance as I'm still moving a bit slowly so no regular bike quite yet. I have been walking around my neighborhood periodically but hells bells it's been cold out and many days I also have decided it's just too damn cold. Plus if I've had a lot of other things I'm doing around the house I'm less likely to go walk as I wear out quickly. I did get all my Christmas stuff down and a friend from work came over and helped me get the tree down and all the stuff back out to the garage which was so appreciated. I'm so thankful for all those from work who have been willing to come help me out with stuff that I haven't been able to do for myself.
The fun part? I don't think my stomach has ever looked this good. Even when I was a kid I had a flap or roll of fat (even at 150 when I actually was pretty much in my weight range). As I got older and heavier that flap got bigger. Even after I lost the weight and it wasn't really obvious in clothes that the flap was there, I knew it was there. It was obvious in swim suits and it bothered me. Now it's gone! While I still don't and likely never will have a completely flat stomach, it's flatter than it ever has been before and it feels amazing. Just to have that flap gone. Granted the girdle I'm wearing now pretty much 24/7 that holds everything in helps it look good. The idea is to reduce swelling as there is expectation of swelling after surgery (which there was as evidenced by a nearly 20 pound weight gain in a little over a week!). The girdle actually is comfortable for the most part as it provides support to my abdomen and it feels more comfortable to sit with it on. It's just comical as it reaches from just under my breasts to just above my knees. Kind of a funny sight.
Overall, I'm doing good. Healing as expected even though it was way slower than I had hoped or expected. I am happy with the results. All of them. Especially the never ever, ever having another period.
I'm finally starting to feel a lot better. Still not fabulous and still not ready to work a 12 hour shift but at least human. I had a really good talk with the plastic surgeon this last week which also helped my perspective. My initial appointment with her had been back in August and was to see if the insurance would cover the panniculectomy and what the additional tummy tuck would cost and if it was even possible to do. I was afraid she would tell me I hadn't lost enough weight and it couldn't be done. So at the time we didn't know for sure if surgery would even happen. I had discussed with her how much I hated staying in hospitals and she had stated she would be ok with sending me home day of surgery and we also briefly discussed whether it was possible to do the hysterectomy at the same time which she stated she was ok with. She had told me that often people go back to work after 2-3 weeks although with the hysterectomy I'd be able to take the 6 weeks off. With that discussion in my head I truly didn't think the recovery for this would be all that bad. I figured after a week or maybe two I'd be fine and then have some nice time off. So it really knocked me for a loop how hard this hit me.
So at my one month appointment the other day I asked her about it. Basically a lot of what she was telling me at my initial appointment was pertaining to the tummy tuck portion of surgery. For that most people are self pay and go home day of surgery and choose to go back to work as soon as possible because of having limited paid time off available. She admitted that with adding the panniculectomy which was often covered by insurance and the hysterectomy and bladder suspension it did all drastically increase my recovery time and how I could expect to feel. I asked about various aches and pains. The feeling of almost cramping (which is hugely annoying since hello I know the old uterus and ovaries are gone so WTF?) that is related to the hysterectomy. The first couple of weeks I didn't notice much abdominal muscle tightness (could be because I was taking the valium religiously every 6 hours as prescribed and the norco/percocet every 4) but the last week or so I've had a persistent ache to my abdominal muscles. She said yes, that's related to the tummy tuck and will get better. I told her the skin around my belly button is numb but I can feel pulling behind my belly button. Yup, normal. I was cleared to start doing some light core strengthening exercises but no sit ups. Ha I don't do sit ups anyway so no worries there. I can start out though with the elliptical and a stationary bike. She was a little worried about my balance as I'm still moving a bit slowly so no regular bike quite yet. I have been walking around my neighborhood periodically but hells bells it's been cold out and many days I also have decided it's just too damn cold. Plus if I've had a lot of other things I'm doing around the house I'm less likely to go walk as I wear out quickly. I did get all my Christmas stuff down and a friend from work came over and helped me get the tree down and all the stuff back out to the garage which was so appreciated. I'm so thankful for all those from work who have been willing to come help me out with stuff that I haven't been able to do for myself.
The fun part? I don't think my stomach has ever looked this good. Even when I was a kid I had a flap or roll of fat (even at 150 when I actually was pretty much in my weight range). As I got older and heavier that flap got bigger. Even after I lost the weight and it wasn't really obvious in clothes that the flap was there, I knew it was there. It was obvious in swim suits and it bothered me. Now it's gone! While I still don't and likely never will have a completely flat stomach, it's flatter than it ever has been before and it feels amazing. Just to have that flap gone. Granted the girdle I'm wearing now pretty much 24/7 that holds everything in helps it look good. The idea is to reduce swelling as there is expectation of swelling after surgery (which there was as evidenced by a nearly 20 pound weight gain in a little over a week!). The girdle actually is comfortable for the most part as it provides support to my abdomen and it feels more comfortable to sit with it on. It's just comical as it reaches from just under my breasts to just above my knees. Kind of a funny sight.
Overall, I'm doing good. Healing as expected even though it was way slower than I had hoped or expected. I am happy with the results. All of them. Especially the never ever, ever having another period.
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