Happy Halloween!

There is a reason why my animals hate Halloween. Here's Sadie's reason. This isn't as bad though as past years. It's sort of a pajama thing and not an actual dog costume. She as usual just looks at me like "Really?" Poor dog.

I did take my camera to work to get a photo of my Halloween shirt I made which was pretty much the extent of my costume this year. Unfortunately you can't really see much of the shirt here. No one seems to be able to figure out my camera. I will see if I can get someone else to take a pic of me in it later today but I don't know if I'll be able to.

Yesterday was a really good day. My friend called and asked if I wanted to take a road trip up to Vacaville as she has a friend there that was getting rid of some stuff. I said sure since it seemed like it would be a good day for a road trip and hey there is an outlet mall there. We had a lot of fun visiting all the way up and back, the drive wasn't too bad either. I didn't end up buying anything at the outlet mall though as funds are still tight and the couple of things I wanted to buy weren't any cheaper there than if I bought them here. Here is a picture of me though right before we left.

Hope everyone has a safe and fun Halloween tonight.

I Remembered!

My blogoversary! As of 10/26 I've been blogging for 4 years. Holy crap. Every year I think I'm going to acknowledge my blogoversary and every year I forget. So hey, maybe my memory is getting better? Probably not but oh well.

My weekend was too short again but overall it was a good one. I can't say I accomplished a lot but I had time to read a good book which is always nice. Sadie is doing much better (other than she still has a bladder infection) and no more seizures which is awesome.

On Sunday my sister found me on facebook which yes is probably a little thing but I get to actually see pictures of her and my niece. I have never seen my niece in person and I haven't seen my sis since 2002 so it's nice "seeing" her again. We also don't talk often so it's nice getting to see a bit more about what she's doing.

Otherwise not much happening. I did just finish my Halloween scrub shirt I was making and will post pictures later this week. I'm thinking I will wear it Friday and am hoping to get some accessories of sorts to go with it. That is if wally world still has the little bit extra I saw there last week.

Suddenly Fertile?

No, I'm not pregnant. You have to actually be having sex to be pregnant, or at least have the possibility of sperm coming into some near contact with your eggs. Neither is happening right now but it's still something that's on my mind. Daily.

I've had many people IRL comment to me that with the weight loss it will be easier to become (and stay I presume) pregnant. I know in many cases this can be true. Also like any (previous) fat or chubby girl there is always that little niggling of hope in the back of my mind that when I've lost 100 or 150 pounds that I will be able to get pregnant on my own without the medical intervention. There is a part of me that still thinks daily about how much I want to be a mother. However I also know that realistically the weight loss while doing numerous other things for me (like getting rid of diabetes, helping my heart and prolonging my life) may not do much for my fertility. I mean lets face it here, my body may be thinner and healthier but the eggs in them ol ovaries are still 40 years old and will be closer to 41 before I'm able to try again. Not that I don't think there might still be a couple of good ones in there somewhere but statistically what are my chances for managing to fertilize one of the good ones out of all the not so good ones without medical intervention. Add in the fact that I'm a bit sperm challenged (as in I don't have easy and cheap access to any) and that makes my chances even smaller. I have one vial of frozen sperm on ice at the clinic up in Sacramento that I do plan on at least attempting a home cycle with but I don't know that I can afford or if I even want to afford any type of actual cycle with drugs and all. I sort of feel a bit like I ended up in a state of complete financial ruin thanks to my aged ovaries and fat hiney and short of winning the lottery truly don't know if I can ever go back to trying again. That said I find myself still daily thinking of my desire to parent. I truly don't know where that leaves me. Yes I've thought some more about adoption but truly that is no more financially attainable than another IVF or donor egg cycle would be. Right now that sort of leaves me trying to live vicariously through a friend at work who's pregnant with her second child. Thankfully she seems to be more than happy to allow me this but it still leaves me wondering what will happen next.

Better

Well I ended up getting Sadie into the vet today and getting a bit more sleep. She seems to be doing mostly ok today although still has a bit of diarrhea. She hasn't had any further seizures and she is now back on her medicine. I was telling the vet what she was taking before and he said that seemed like a high amount. Then I remembered that she was a bit fatter a year and a half ago. Like 12 pounds fatter. So we're on a smaller amount and she's also taking some valium to help with preventing seizures until the phenobarbital hits a therapeutic level for her. I also have a couple of injections that I could give if she does start to have a seizure. Get this though. The injections? Are a liquid to be given either nasally or rectally. Oh yeah, that sounds like fun. At any rate she seems to be doing good and hopefully it will just keep on that way.

Well I Was Caught Up

On all my blog posts that is. Yeah, not so much now.

It's been a rough 24 hours. Last night I came home from walking Sadie and sat down to eat something and watch House from the night before. Once I was finished I got up and thought I would check my e-mail quickly and go to bed since I hadn't been getting much sleep lately. I happened to look down the hall and noticed massive quantities of puke in my bedroom. So into check on Sadie who is hiding in the closet and not currently having a seizure but I have no idea how long she had been having a problem. So outside we went and she's a little shaky but not bad. However before we could even make it back inside it all started up again. That one lasted about an hour. Long enough that I was freaking out as I know I probably should have taken her to the vet but at that time of night the only option is way out of my price range. So I sat with her until it stopped fully and then sat with her for another hour or so just petting her and helping her relax. She has cluster seizures and they tend to stop and start and stop and start etc. She used to take medication back before she went to live with the other person but when she came back to me I had no idea how long she had been off them. I was also sort of hoping that she would maybe go back to one every 3-4 months and we could live without the meds. Yeah, not really happening. At work today 2 of my co-workers offered to loan me enough money to take her to the vet. I hate accepting it but I need to get her in before she ends up in a non ending seizure that lands us at the emergency clinic. So today I called and made her an appointment for the vet on Saturday. I figured I'd be ok until then. Not so much with that either. I came home to more massive quantities of puke and just for fun (or shits and giggles) a pretty large quantity of poop too. Seems she also had diarrhea this time. Now I don't know if we're going to make it until Saturday. Poor baby. I worry about her so much. I also feel like a huge loser who can't afford to take care of my animals (and how the hell could I ever hope to take care of babies/children when I can't afford to take my dog to the vet. So tomorrow morning I'm calling the vet to see if they can get us in tomorrow. If they do, I know that there is no way I can get her over to the vet clinic and then all the way back across town and then back down town to work on time tomorrow. And if I'm more than 30 minutes late even if I call and tell them I'm going to be late it counts as a whole absence so if it's going to count as a whole absence I'm taking the day off. So I may be calling in sick tomorrow. Sucks and I really don't want to do this, especially since I've been applying for and hoping for a chance at some 12 hour positions but my dog not having any more seizures is sort of a big deal too. Hey, at least she's easy to give meds to. All I have to do is wrap it in meat.

Wonderful Sunday

Well except for the fact that it's Sunday which we all know is followed by Monday. However it's such a nice day here. It's cooled down quite a bit and I was even able to turn off the AC again. Here's hoping I don't have to turn it back on. It even sprinkled a bit this morning. Yesterday was nice too although still a bit on the warm side. I went and got all new tires on my car. I couldn't afford it but also didn't have much of a choice as the old tires were all pretty worn. Now to see which bills I can manage to pay.

Today consists of doing laundry and maybe I'll get around to organizing my hall closet. I also need to get my sewing machine out and work on finishing up some more of my blankets and hem the Halloween shirt I had made for work. I had found this fabulous fabric with bats on it which of course I had to make into a shirt. Now I just need to finish it in order to wear it. Although I think it's already too big. Yesterday I also got out all my Halloween decorations which was fun. I've got the outside patio area decorated. I will save the buying of candy for Halloween day and will likely try to pick out something I know I don't like and therefore won't eat. Tough when it comes to anything with sugar.

One of the things I've been enjoying a lot lately is living near an airport. See I live close to here and when I'm out walking Sadie I get some time to watch the planes taking off and landing. Especially on the weekends. I've also gotten to watch the owners drive their planes down the road to the entrance to the air port which is rather amusing too. It brings back memories of when I was pretty young. My grandfather had a small airplane that him and my grandmother would take trips in etc. I remember going up in it a few times and then remember my dad having a fit that it wasn't safe and not going up again. I also remember loving it though. How I'd love to get to know some of the local owners and to get to go for a flight sometime.

The Weekend Is Here!

Finally. Actually this week seemed to go by sort of quickly so I guess I can't complain. I worked late tonight as I had said I would close which means mostly that the rack of surgery charts for the next day (Monday) is ready for the day. At the end of the shift I had a chart for a patient who was actually having surgery on Sunday and I didn't want it left in our unit as a lot of work had been done on it already so I took it down to the surgical end. I saw one of the charge nurses that I had worked with on nights and also a scrub tech. Neither one of them recognized me at first. It's kind of funny. Or at least it is to me. Then one asked if I had done it with diet and exercise. In other words "Or did you have surgery?" I'm not ashamed of the fact that I had surgery. It was a decision I made for myself to improve my life and I don't really care much what others think. It sort of reminds me of all the infertility conversations though. You get those who come right out and ask if you did treatments (surgery) or those who hint around or ask indirectly. Of course there are plenty who have their own opinions, beliefs etc on both infertility and weight loss surgery and you will always get those who very boldly voice said opinions. Sometimes you try to educate and sometimes it's easier to just walk away. You know since choking the life out of someone is sort of against the law. At any rate I tend to be just as open and up front about weight loss surgery as I am about infertility. It's not for everyone but for me so far it's been a success. Even though I think I've hit another plateau. Which sort of sucks ass but I suppose I can't complain to much as I haven't really had too many plateaus so far. For the last 2 weeks I've been hovering around 217 and 218 and yes I'm weighing myself way to often and making myself a little crazy. Daily isn't good. It's time to step away from the scale.

On my journey down to the other end of the hospital (we have 2 main buildings that are connected and I work in the older building and don't go to the trauma end much) I also saw the friend or former friend who had Sadie for close to a year. My first thought was to go in and say hi and ask what happened. When I thought more I realized that I'm not sure if it matters. Part of me would really like to hear her say it but I do believe that she wouldn't have just dumped Sadie. I still really think Sadie got out or ran away which would explain her hellish appearance when I picked her up. She had been on her own for a while. I still think it was irresponsible to not call me and let me know but I guess I can maybe understand a bit how or why that happened. Plus, it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change what the financial cost was, what happened to Sadie and thankfully it doesn't change the fact that Sadie is back in my life. And I'm truly thankful that she is back.

Otherwise, not much going on. Work is busy, finances still suck but I keep hoping they will get better soon. Maybe. I just had so much that I had put off for so long and now I can't put it off any more. In the meantime my goal this weekend is to put up my Halloween decorations and stay my ass at home where I can't spend any unnecessary money. Maybe do some cooking too as I'm getting a little bored with the small range of things that I can put together quickly and eat without getting sick. Oh and maybe get caught up a bit on my DVR'd shows that I haven't been watching.

Anniversary's

If my dad were still alive today would have been my mom and dad's wedding anniversary. Funny I remember my parent's anniversary but couldn't tell you their birthdays. Then anniversaries were celebrated and birthdays weren't. I think it would have been 43 years now. He's been gone for 16 years and I miss him so much. I don't know if things would be any different with him than they are with mom if he was still alive but I like to think so. He did seem to always have a bit of a calming effect on her. Growing up on my parents anniversary it was always a "family" day. Us kids got presents too. Looking back I'm sure it was to make up for not celebrating holidays and birthdays. Something to make us feel included and like we weren't missing out. Although for the record as a child I never felt like I was missing out on that much. It was as an adult that I realized I never had the wonder of believing in Santa, the tooth fairy etc. Little things I know. I don't know that there is necessarily a point to these musings. Just that I miss my dad and my family. While I'm hugely thankful for the chosen family I have that is so wonderful and amazing, I still sometimes miss the people who are supposed to be there and love unconditionally. The ones who just can't seem to manage that.

Why?

Why do weekends always seem so damn short? They do. I think I'm still not used to working 5 days a week. They really do seem to go by much to quickly. I got most of my pictures hung on the wall and finally got the wifi up and running and set up my desk in the second bedroom. Nice to feel a bit more settled.

It seems like there has been a bunch of stuff I wanted to post about but now I

can't think of what most of it was.

Last week I know I was going to post about how excited I was about my new blender. I had a blender I had bought about a year or so ago and it was ok when I only used it a couple of times a year but the daily use wasn't as much fun. It was horrible at crushing ice (what do you expect for $25?) and just didn't work that great. I had gotten a coupon for Bed*Bath&Beyond for 20% off one item and I went last weekend and got a new blender. I've been loving it! My protein

shakes have been fabulous and it works so good. This morning I figured out why it works so well though when I sliced my finger open trying to wash it out. Damn those blades are sharp. I've got a pretty good sized cut on the tip of my middle finger that I've spent part of the day trying various forms of coverage and think that the steri-strips seem to be working best. Kind of hurts to type.

Oh, I remember what something else I wanted to blog about. Last week I had a patient come in with her son who was so incredibly gorgeous. He spent the half hour or so in my office flirting like crazy and had me blushing and giggling. I wonder though if this makes me a cougar since I think there is a fairly good possibility that I might be old enough to be this guys mom. It was an amazing feeling though to realize that he was flirting with me. I find myself not really knowing how to react but it does make me feel good.

Now I guess I'll throw in some pictures.

Here is the lovely present I received the other day from a friend. They came off her tree. I don't know if I will ever manage to eat all of them though but they are so beautiful and yummy looking.

Here's Sara and Luna sitting in the sun by the window. They were both rather unimpressed with me disturbing their nap.
Here's Sadie sleeping in one of her beds. Her hair is growing back nicely although it's a bit more gray than it used to be. Poor girl I think she's getting older.

Luna was sleeping on my jacket here. She does this a lot where she's all curled up and it looks like she's asleep but then you look and her one eye is open and she's watching you. It's a little creepy. Cracks me up though.

And finally here are a couple of pictures of me. These are about a month old and I don't love them. I look too posed. I need to figure out a way to get some good pictures of myself where I don't look like an uncomfortable dork having my picture taken. Hmm. Wonder how I'll manage that.
This one is actually a better picture even if I am being goofy striking a pose.

Chilly

It's went from being hot muggy and miserable to down right cold. It even actually rained here today. It was sort of nice. Although I froze my ass off at work today. It's the damnedest thing. I used to never be cold. I was always hot and now I'm freezing.

As of yesterday I am down 90 pounds. Yes, I will post pictures. Soon I promise. I still haven't located the cord to my camera and tonight I took the camera over to a friends house so she could take some pictures and turns out the battery is dead too. So I have to find that as well. Hopefully in the next couple of days I can get my computer actually moved into the second bedroom. Right now it's in the middle of my living room and sort of in the way of my TV. The TV which I really haven't had time to watch much lately. So far of new season shows I've watched House and Two and A Half Men.

There isn't a lot else going on here. I have 2 stitches in my forearm. Last week when I went to the dermatologist and showed her the rash she had a different idea of what it was and when I then went on to explain that I've been getting similar rashes in various places for like 20 years she decided it would be a good idea to biopsy it. Hmm. I didn't know they could do that but cool. I didn't think about the fact though that I'd have stitches that would catch on everything and bug me endlessly. She said I could come back in 2 weeks and have them removed and then the office scheduled me for almost 3 weeks later. I'm so not waiting that long to get these out. I'm guessing that by Friday I will be hunting down a suture removal kit at work and having a co-worker remove them for me. They're annoying. I'm still itcy but it's getting a bit better. I can't decide yet if I can tell a difference from the new arthritis med although I can tell you that it stings to rival any infertility med I've injected into my body. Yes, this is injectible too. So that's the last few days for me.

Busy Weekend

It's been a busy weekend here. I've been helping my friend move and it's been hotter than hell. Mid to high 90's and muggy and gross. We worked for several hours yesterday right in the middle of the day and it left me so drained. Plus I think I didn't get enough fluid even though I was drinking throughout the day. I was so tired last night. I don't know if she plans to go try and finish up today or not but in the meantime I want to work more on getting my place organized. I finally finished my third and final book of the series that had occupied so much of my time lately. It was a really good series if you like mystery type books. I've got links to the books in my side bar under the books I've read this year. It's the top 3 on the list at the moment.

Sadie has been so very patient with me and my constant reading lately and being gone helping my friend move. I've still been getting at least one walk a day in but for the last several days I haven't gotten both walks in. Poor doggy. I'm amazed at how good she is and that she's back in my life. She truly is meant to be with me and I'm glad she's here. I still feel guilty a lot that I don't do enough for her and there is no yard here etc but she's always just so damn happy. She still can be a bit dog aggressive towards other dogs but otherwise she is back to her old self.

Not much else going on here. Just trying to get organized and settled into the new space. Work is work. It seems to be going fine for the most part. I'm still a bit bored with what I'm doing but I do really love the people I work with. I also love having all my holidays off although I don't love working 8 hour shifts. I've applied for various other positions although so far nothing has come of it. Oh well. For now I'll stay put as I really want my holidays off this year. I'm trying to figure out how I can come up with the money to fly home for Thanksgiving. If I do I'll also have to figure out what to do with Sadie. It would be nice if I could just take her with me but I'm guessing the cost of flying her as well might be astronomical. I guess we'll wait and see.