Internet by iPod sucks

Ok so thank you Peta B for pointing out that there's an app for that! Of course spell check just tried to change your name.
So yes folks I have been with fairly limited Internet coverage for most of the week. It's just me and my little ol iPod. Those who know me on Facebook know that Tuesday night while I was at work my apartment got broke into. I lost two TVs, a blueray player and my laptop. Outside of the general loss and all the bullshit associated with that, I've spent most of the week struggling with the emotional trauma of it all. Trying to not over think it all and wonder if I had met somewhere the person(s) who did this. Trying to not be afraid to be alone in my house.
I've had a few things that have helped get through. My furbabies are ok. Not stolen or injured. Although by Thursday afternoon Lizzie was just DONE with strangers being in her house. I'm sure that she barked a lot at the intruders bit at 6 pounds she's not exactly intimidating. Also not much is unreplaceable. I had all my pics only laptop but I also had fairly recently backed it up to my portable hard drive which for some reason the thieves left. Granted realizing that they may have taken it as well has me determined to do some additional backing up of things. I did have renters insurance (that is a policy I took out in August!) which will pay to replace most of my stuff. There was some tax info (hence my SSN) on my laptop but I have flagged things and am lucky (?) that my credit is sufficiently sucky that I doubt they will be able to do much. A few other things that I don't love someone else having the ability to look at but I think I have changed all my account passwords.
The sort of ironic part of all this is that I had thought to myself on Monday night that I'd like to get a new computer. This however was not the method I had in mind.
Now my hand is starting to ache from the one handed typing and my sinuses are aching (cause I ended up getting a cold too this week) so I will stop for now. But hey, at least I had taken the iPod to work so I could play angry birds and I still have this and therefore some sanity. Hopefully the typos here are minimal.

Ouch!

My ovaries ache. Bitches. It's like they're mocking me. They're laughing it up saying "whoohoo, we can ovulate!" Fat lot of freaking good it's doing me without a single spermy any where in site. Yes even though I'm mostly ok with my child free status there are times when it still smarts.

Add my aching knees and hamstrings (I way over did it on the elliptical tonight) and sleep isn't happening very easily. Insomnia has been a problem again lately. Not so good when I have the work schedule from hell for the next 4 weeks. At least the schedule from hell is followed by 10 days vacation. Not sure yet where I'm going. I'd love to go to Disneyland as I've never been at Halloween. Other possible options is home to Washington for a few days or to Colorado. I've never been to Colorado which could be fun but it also could just be a hellish long drive. Or I could just go to Santa Barbara and the coast for a couple of days. One thing I know is that I'm tired of staying home so much. So the overtime should be good for something. Now if I can just live through it.

Clothes

I'm sitting here tonight working on one of my blankets and watching TV in my newly put together sewing room. Now I no longer have to have all my sewing stuff spread all over the living room to sew and watch TV at the same time. As much as I'm not big on most reality TV I've been watching What Not To Wear a lot lately. I have to admit that I would totally LOVE to be on that show. Mostly for the $5000 worth of clothes etc. However it would be nice to have someone help with what kind of things work for my new size.

I spent many years wearing jeans and t-shirts. When I was bigger I had the Hanes JMS t-shirts in every color almost every made. I had a few other outfits that I had purchased from a plus size store in Washington that I used to go to. They often would put together outfits that worked together and I would buy the whole outfit. It still was usually a casual sort of outfit though. To some extent I'm a little tired of always wearing only casual clothes. I don't know though where I would wear dressy stuff as I don't go out much. Work of course is scrubs so that's covered (and I buy a lot of scrubs because they are the easiest things to buy!)

I have been shopping more which is the fun part of all the weight I've lost. At least it is when I have money. I've managed a couple of blouses that look pretty good on me, even a pair of capri pants that goes with one of the blouses. I've got a couple of nice fall sweaters to wear when ever it cools down here. I even bought a dress last week. Now to work on shoes and a little bit more complete outfit. That and actually wearing said outfits. I tend to dress very casual around the house and then when I make a quick run out to the store or whatever, I don't bother to change. Or put on make up, do anything with my hair etc. Oh and I want a pair of heels. I have no idea where I'm going to wear them or even if I can still walk in them. But I want a pair of heels. I even found a pair tonight I like at Target. Of course the red pair I really liked doesn't match the new dress. Maybe I should get the black?

Silence

I had no specific plans to watch (or not watch) the coverage of the 10 year anniversary of September 11th. I hadn't actively sought out to remember the day in several years now. Like many other painful anniversaries it has seemed less painful the last few years and more of a time to think yes, I remember when it happened. Sometimes not hitting me until the day after, that another year had passed. I knew that this year was the 10 year anniversary and I'd marveled at how 10 years had passed. It seems so long ago and yet like just last year.

Tonight between watching stuff from DVR I saw that they were scheduled to show the movie about Flight 93. My first thought was that I wasn't going to watch that. I had tried a couple of years ago to watch the movie that was made about the police and fire teams that were at Ground Zero immediately after it happened and the tragedy of their loss but couldn't get into it for whatever reason. I figured it would be similar with this movie. Turns out though that I was quickly enthralled with it. I then went on to watch a documentary about a photographer from FEMA and her experiences and those of the people she photographed while there. It was very moving and brought back so much more than I would have expected it to do.

I know that anyone who was alive and old enough to understand at that time remembers where they were. Watching these two shows tonight showed me real life stories that I had either forgotten or missed during those following days and months. Things that I felt or experienced at the time but that I haven't thought about for years. Not just where I was but what my first thoughts were. The things unknown that first awful day. Being unsure where or from whom the attacks came from. The idea of terrorism here seeming so incredibly foreign. The fear. Walking through a hospital where every single able person was riveted to the televisions around them. I remember it dredging up all the fearful things my mom used to tell me about Armageddon and wondering if this was how it began. I remember who I spent time with that day and those images that played the first day. I remember several days later renting movies to get away from the ever repeating images. The one thing that I know I had forgotten until watching these shows tonight though, was the silence in the days immediately following. The skies above silent with no hint of any air craft, not even the Life Flight helicopters flying. Sitting outside, looking at the sky and wondering if anything would ever be the same.

Looking back now I know that there is so much that is vastly different from what life used to look like, when we were all still innocent of what could happen. Yet how adaptable we are and how it seems that people rarely stop to look at the changes we see and how they have shaped our lives and our view of the world around us. It sometimes seems as if nothing is the same and yet other times as if everything is the same.

Stuff

So I just noticed that someone that I wanted to remove from my FB friend list last year has removed me from theirs. This is a nice relief. I had hid her posts as I just didn't want to deal with the drama if it ever came to light that I un-friended her but now it seems she has removed me. Works for me.

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts on my last post. I'm feeling a little bit better and it helps to have ones feelings acknowledge and not criticized. Also in looking back through my blog for the last year I noticed that about this time last year I had posted I was feeling a little bit down and attributed this to SAD (seasonal affective disorder). So it looks like a pattern of sorts and maybe that's the issue this year as well. It has started getting darker earlier and with that I'm seeing less daylight and especially since it's still hot but way past dark once it cools down and I don't go out much in the heat. Sort of makes me feel a bit better that there is possibly an actual cause behind my feelings of sadness or melancholy.

I will try to get some recent pictures up here soon. Plus I need to have someone take a picture of my new tattoo to post too! New as in I got it in July anyways. It's on the back of my leg though and rather difficult to take a picture of myself.

I'm pretty well settled in to my new apartment and even have my craft room set up. My plan is to do some sewing this weekend and post a few more blankets in my etsy store. I'm also dog sitting for my friend this weekend and so Lizzie will have some playmates. Having the other dogs around seems to help her social interactions with me as well so hopefully it will be a fairly good weekend. Plus I'm off work until next Wednesday! Yay.

Unfriended

My cousin un-friended me. I'm actually pretty happy about this. A year ago I had blogged a little about wanting to not have her be a friend on FB as I wanted to distance myself. I never did actually do it since I'm a chicken and didn't want to deal with confrontation of why aren't we "friends" anymore however I did hide her posts so that I didn't see them regularly. Turns out that sometime in the last few months she took care of the un-friending for me.

As kids we were always really close. Argued a lot but were close. We couldn't wait to be together and had a lot of fun. Then as we got older things seemed to change. The biggest things were that she was often sort of bossy towards me, for instance telling me that "I should send a sympathy card to my mom, her mom and another aunt" when their dad (my grandfather) passed away. At the time I thought this was really rude and annoying. We also had a disagreement several years ago over money basically where she completely shut me out of her life for a couple of years. She always made it clear that she didn't like my dog (Sadie) and didn't want her children around her because she licked too much and any time we got together it was totally on her terms or her convenience not mine. It was stuff that annoyed me but I mostly just ignored it. For quite a few years I did let her push me into doing what she wanted but the last few years I haven't. I didn't necessarily stand up and say "nope, I'm not going to do what you want me to" but instead just didn't do it.

The newest issue was that I had gotten in the last year or so a few FB messages from her about the wonderful letters she received from my mom. Those stung a bit. Hello, my mom writes to you and not me. One I sent back a message about how it's nice she keeps in contact with someone. To which I received a message that she didn't know that I still wasn't talking to my mom. Really? You figured that after 7 years she'd all of the sudden start talking to me? Then a few months ago she posted pics of my niece on my wall on FB that my mom had sent her, in case I hadn't seen them. I replied with a polite but maybe abrupt thank you and left it at that. I do realize that she likely wasn't trying to be hurtful with these messages but it truly felt like rubbing salt into the wound. Now I find that she's not on my friend list anymore. I feel a bit of relief over this. No more need to bother with politeness or worrying that she will see something I'd rather she not see.

Loving Who I Am?

I can't honestly say I've ever been very good at this. I work on it and have times in my life that I feel much more confident than others and feel that I'm closer to loving who I am but then I have back slides in where I feel so totally unlovable.

Towards the end of last year when I had lost close to 100 pounds I was admittedly feeling fabulous. Better than I ever had in fact. Lately though I've been struggling a lot more with it. In January my weight loss plateaued and I haven't lost any weight since then. I even gained about 4 pounds when I went to Washington at the end of July that has been stubbornly hanging around. Lately this has me feeling like a failure. I know that this isn't necessarily "logical". I can acknowledge the fact that I lost 115 pounds which is a HUGE accomplishment and that I'm so much healthier and lighter etc than I was 2 years ago. However there is a part of me that had hoped I'd lose so much more. Had hoped that I would lost 150 to 160 pounds and feels like I've failed somewhere along the way. I know that to a lot of people that statement doesn't make sense but it's a feeling I've had that some days I just haven't been able to turn off or make it go away. I would guess that it's possibly or even probably wrapped up in the feelings of melancholy or depression that have been pestering me more lately.

Most of the time I'm fairly content with my single gal life style in which I can do pretty much what I want, when I want. I sleep when I want, go where I want and do what I feel like doing without having to get input or entertain someone else on a regular basis. Most of the time I can find the enjoyment in this. The last couple of weeks though this has been a bit harder. I've been a bit more lonely and feeling left behind in that I never have found that special someone to share my life with. While yes I know it could still happen for now it hasn't and it's not something that seems or feels easy. It also annoys the hell out of me to be feeling melancholy over this. I don't want to feel like my life is only complete or happy if I have a significant other, or a baby, or whatever. I spent too many years like that. I've enjoyed the last year or so being happy with what I have and I want that back.

I'm guessing at this point that going back to the counselor is in my future. At the current moment it's a matter of budgeting to make it actually happen. One more thing to budget for. I also know that work lately has been super crazy with extra classes for a new computerized charting system that will be happening at the end of the month and I've been doing a lot of back and forth between days and nights which really messes my body up. It leaves me feeling drained and overwhelmed which is often when I feel the worst as far as the sadness and feelings of failure are concerned. Plus I'm starting to wonder if my body has decided to say the hell with this whole ovulation thing and hello to impending menopause. This month was a whole whopping 18 day cycle. Two months ago it was a 24 day cycle. That probably isn't helping my sleep either as I've been having a lot of insomnia lately too.

Hopefully in another couple of weeks my schedule will more back to a more normal schedule and I do have a week of vacation towards the end of October that I'm seriously looking forward to. No idea yet what I'm doing but I can't wait even if I don't do anything. Plus by then temperatures should have cooled off a little bit to a more normal temp and not this hot weather that makes me not even want to leave my house.

In the meantime it's just a matter or trying to keep it together and ignore all the little nasty things my brain says to me at my more trying moments.