Hot Here

It's so hot here my AC has laughed at me today. I have it set for 74 and the temp in my apartment is 77 and that's with it running all the time. Yuck.
My life is feeling a bit again like it's in limbo land. When I knew my contract was almost up here I told my recruiter to start looking for something else for me. I considered the Bay Area just because it was still close enough that I could drive here for appointments to see the doctor if I needed to. I knew it was more expensive to live there but I guess I hadn't counted on how much more expensive. I went down yesterday to look at potential places to live and the only one I found that was an option was $1500 a month which is double. This is frustrating for several reasons. I had figured that I could save enough for my next IVF in about 3 months time. However if I'm paying this much for rent, it's not going to happen. It would take 6 months and lets face it, at 38 my ovaries aren't getting any younger. Plus if I'm going to be paying that much rent, I know I won't stay for more than one contract which means that in 3 months I will be doing the moving thing again and coming up with deposits etc which has gotten pretty expensive. I also realized that I had left SB which was a contract I loved at least in part because of the cost of housing and that I couldn't save with it being that high. So to take another contract where the costs are similar just seems silly. If I was going to pay that much for housing I would much rather go back to SB. I also had the realization that I'm not really enjoying traveling that much right now. So basically I'm only doing it for the money at the moment and if I'm doing it for the money than I need to actually be making enough money for it to be worthwhile. I want to do something different. I want to be trained in a new area which most likely won't happen as a traveler. I dread another contract right now just because this one has been so bad. Granted I know that if I was to get another contract that was good and that I liked I would probably feel better but I keep finding myself wishing for or wanting a "travel" position that I like well enough to stay put for 6-9 months. I'm tired of moving every 3 months. So I told recruiter that I really didn't want the position because of the cost of housing thing. He of course decided he needed to fix it by finding me housing that was affordable. Whatever. I suppose if they did find something that was reasonable I would still take the position. Otherwise I'm ready to start looking elsewhere. I don't know if my recruiter realizes how stubborn I can be once my mind is made up. So I guess I'll see what happens. But I don't think I'm going to the bay area next.

Packing, Again

Well I got my next assignment and I'm off to Mar*in C0unty. Like next week. And I just started packing last night. Ugg. I was supposed to find out Monday whether I got the position or not which would have given me a couple of days to go over and look for a place to live but instead found out yesterday afternoon at like 5pm. I have today off and I'm not sure if I'm going to go or just focus on packing. I really sort of need to go as I want to start moving my stuff early next week so I have the week to settle in before I start work on the 8th. I had sort of hoped to push out starting until the 15th but oh well. That means I will be done around the 8th of December and will have about 3 weeks before Christmas. I think that will give me time to finish what I should have done before in moving HS out of my house. I had really hoped that the situation would work as it would be so much easier but it's not. I'm not getting the months rent until almost the end of the month now (although it is the full amount). The last 2 months he has "accidentally" sent it to my old address in Santa Barbara which delays me getting it. The first time it got sent back to him and then he mailed it out to my address in Sac and this time it finally got forwarded to me. Since he has sent it to me twice at my address I know he has my address. My fault I guess for hoping this would work and for letting him slide so long that now he expects it.

Thanks

Thanks for all the positive comments about my new tattoo and the guy. I would love to be able to print out all your comments and give them to him, just to let him know what blog land thinks of him. I loved the comment of how he wasn't worthy to wash my socks. So funny. I would love to post the guys name on my blog so that any future girl who is smart enough to google him will be warned about him. That's probably a touch vindictive though. To those who asked, yes it hurt like hell getting it (the tattoo) done but it was really quick. Seriously took the guy like 20 minutes. And I was talking on my cell for most of the time and was pretty well distracted so it was ok. It also still didn't hurt nearly as bad as the one I have on my chest. The guy who did this one said that the artist who did the one on my chest went too deep and that was why it hurt so much. This guy was a kick and I think he got a few laughs out of me when I told him the short version of the story behind the tattoo etc. Now I have the next 4 days/nights off work and won't have to wear shoes (yippee, shoes sort of sucked this last week) for a few days.
So I finally have my book exchange blog up and at a place where I like it. I tried out wordpress for a little over a week just to see how I liked it and I didn't really. It just didn't seem as user friendly. So I moved it all over to blogspot tonight. The blog is The Batty Book Exchange and you should all head over there and take a look. I will say that for now anyways participation is limited to those in the US mostly because of shipping issues. Sorry to all the overseas and Canadian folks.
I have 2 more nights of work at the hospital from hell!!!! I now officially have short timers. Don't get me wrong, I care about my patients but as far as the rest of the bitchy staff nurses and the charge nurse who is constantly complaining about and looking for things to complain about, I just don't care anymore. As of Sunday morning I will be done!! Still don't know where I'm going yet but I figure that will come. I had an interview last week for a position in Mar*in C0unty but I haven't heard back yet.
Well I'm about to collapse from lack of sleep so I hope everyone has a good week.

Show And Tell With A Story

This weeks show and tell comes with a bit of a story too. The last few months I’ve been feeling somewhat like my life is out of my control, gee imagine infertility causing a woman to feel like that. I’ve felt a bit like nothing in my life has turned out the way I wanted it to. I have a history in the past of liking guys who didn’t like me back for whatever reason and yet I would put my everything into liking them, trying to change myself to be what I thought the guy of the week or month would like. I finally had given up this damaging habit a couple of years ago, around the time I more or less gave up on men. While I have had dates in the last couple of years I feel I have done a fairly decent job of being mostly true to myself. I also haven’t dated anyone that gave me that really excited, I really like this guy feeling. I haven’t felt physically attracted to any of the guys I’ve dated. Then a few weeks ago I was talking to a co-worker who asked me out on a date although we didn’t really set a concrete plan. This guy did a lot of sweet talking with a lot of pretty words and I amazed myself by falling for it. I liked this guy. Liked him to the point I didn’t even blog about him. So while I didn't totally trust the sweet talking, I did pretty much ignore my distrust too. There were several tentative plans made and phone calls that never came. A couple of weeks ago to get away from what I knew would likely be a weekend sitting at home hoping and waiting for the phone to ring I went to Seattle. A few days after I got back he called me and asked if I wanted to go to the fair. The fair sounded great and I was really excited. He talked off and on all week about how much fun we were going to have. So the day of the fair, he calls and says he’s on his way to pick me up and oh by the way, he’s bringing his friend Julie. Huh????? You’re bringing another girl on our date?? I should have just said no thanks but of course I didn’t. The girl was nice and I got along with her ok but it was just weird. The guy seemed to mostly ignore both of us although from the way she talked they spend quite a bit of time together. At the end of the night he dropped me off at home and took off with her and I did what I had told myself I would never do again. I sat and cried. I was confused, wondering why he would say the things he’d said and yet leave me confused. The next night I went to work and a girl I work with asked how the fair was. I hadn’t mentioned the fair to her but I figured maybe the guy did. I told her it was ok. She seemed to pick up on something and asked if it was related to the guy and thought that maybe she needed to know what had happened. So I ended up talking to her and turns out he had been feeding her (and who knows who else?) all the same pretty words. He had actually told her on Saturday that he wasn’t going to go to the fair on Sunday as he wanted to go with her and she was working but then went to the fair on Sunday with me and Julie. So talking with her opened my eyes and instead of feeling bad about it, I got mad. It was a liberating feeling. I realized I had been doing a bit of the doormat routine again. So I decided that I needed to do something for myself to make myself feel more powerful. More in charge of my life and less like a doormat. So I did this.

According to the site What's Your Sign this is the Triple Spiral and it represents the drawing of the three powers of maiden, mother and crone. It is a sign of female power and especially power through transition and growth.
Now when I need to remember how strong I am I only need to look down at my foot.

Gotta Love The Fair

I had fun at the fair although the day went completely not as expected for various reasons but then I guess I should know better than to expect much in others. Fair itself was fun, the company a bit odd to say the least. I did some rides however many of the rides that were super cool when I was younger are not so much now. And all the new rides are absolutely crazy not to mention that my ass pretty much doesn't fit well into the seats which sort of takes away the fun. I will say though that the Tilt a whirl? Still hugely fun. I laughed like crazy during the whole ride. I loved it. I liked the roller coasters they had too but they didn't have any wild ones. Last year I had discovered that the wild ones that I used to love were a bit more unnerving than previously remembered. I must be getting old. The food was fair food. You can't go wrong with the corn dogs but much of the rest of it sort of isn't what you would expect. The deep fried sni*ckers was good but you couldn't eat the whole thing. I also found a place that sold cup cakes (I guess they have a cup cake store downtown Sac) and that was really good. I also saw a cute baby shirt that I almost bought as it was so funny. It was black with white writing that said "Potty like a rockstar" I also saw a whole lot of baby bumps and new babies and little toddlers etc. I found myself feeling so wistful watching the little kids and aching for what I want so badly. So a mostly good day.

Show And Tell

So for show and tell this week I thought I would post a few pics from my trip to Seattle last weekend. Actually these are from last Friday the ferry ride to get to R's house. This first picture is of the shoreline on Vashon Island. The house and all were just so cute so I took a pic.

This was just a seagull on the pilings but Vashon Island in the background looked kind of neat.

This one is looking over a passenger only ferry dock and I loved the view of the Sound also.

It was a great trip and I love to go visit Seattle. It's always so scenic on a nice sunny day.

Going To The Fair

On Sunday. I have to work the next 2 nights but am excited about going to the fair. I love fairs and all the associated junk food, sights and such. I love the rides too but in the last few years my fat ass has made that a bit difficult and embarrassing.
I am finally getting close to the end of my contract here at this hellish hospital. My company had been trying to get my contract extended by 2 weeks to make up the shifts I missed when I was out with my neck injury but the hospital denied that. I'm not really all that upset about that. I'm kind of glad about it actually. I'm waiting to hear more about where I'm going next. My recruiter is submitting me to a couple of different places so maybe next week I'll know more. Of course now I have to start packing again. Yikes.
Last night I made chicken and black been enchiladas for dinner and they turned out fantastic. So yummy even with my little recipe modifications. I of course left out the onions as I HATE them. Not too much else going on. I'm back to work tonight for 2 nights. I don't know yet if it will be at the regular hospital or elsewhere. They've been floating people a lot lately. Hope everyone is doing well and that you all have a good weekend.

Just Thinking

So I'm not cycling this month. I didn't even try. When I got home Monday I paid bills and had not much left over for ultrasounds etc. That with not having the labs done and the fact that my heart just didn't feel into it this month. See back in like April, May and June I felt like my body was different since the miscarriage. I felt ovulation, everything just seemed to be in sync. The last couple of months it hasn't felt like that at all. Then with the neck injury that seems to just linger on forever. It still hurts. Not horribly but there. Part of this is the fibr0myalgia. Once I get inflammation in my muscles, it takes forever to get rid of it. I wake up feeling fine but by the end of the day often I'm hurting pretty good. Then it takes ibu*profen and muscle relaxers to get to sleep. The physical therapy has helped but my last appointment is on Thursday. Also when I was off work I gained a bit of weight. Only like 7 pounds but on my body that is already extra fluffy not so great a thing. Plus it seems that when my weight went up, so did my blood pressure. My blood pressure had been fantastic for quite a while. Then all of the sudden it was sucking big time. So I'm trying (and not always succeeding) to eat a little better. Breakfast sort of kills me as I crave bread and cereal like crazy for breakfast. So I'm hoping in the next month or so I can drop about 10 pounds and get the inflammation in my neck calmed down so that I'm feeling better. Also to get all the labs done. Plus I'm also trying to save for a couple of trips. I want to take a trip to Minn*es0ta in September to see my sis and niece. Then sometime before Christmas BFF has a work trip to New York and I'm planning on meeting her there to spend a weekend goofing around. I've never been to New York and am totally excited for this trip. Then I suppose if next months IUI is unsuccessful gearing back up for another round of IVF. So I guess with all that maybe I should be picking up some overtime.
My job has been pimping me out to other hospitals again this week. I actually had an ok night last night though. Busy but not really over whelming and the staff were helpful. Plus I have to figure out when to move out of this apartment and where I'm going next. My recruiter mentioned San J0se so Tracey I may be in town for a bit.
It's been hotter than crap here lately which hasn't been much fun but oh well. I'm hoping it cools down this weekend though. Hope everyone is having a good week.

Home Again Home Again

I forget the rest of that nursery rhyme. Oh well.
I had a fantastic weekend. I decided on Thursday afternoon that I didn't want to sit around all weekend and I didn't want to work (even though I probably should have) so I called my BFF in Seattle to see what she was doing for the weekend. I ended up buying a ticket and taking off Friday morning for Seattle. I had a fun weekend of doing not a whole lot of anything important and doing some catching up with her. It was great to get away and even though it was sort of cloudy and dreary it was still nice to be in Seattle. Then this morning I was up early and on my way back to Sac. My cats of course wouldn't speak to me for a couple of hours and now they won't leave me alone. Goofy things.
I'm trying to fix the fact that last month I procrastinated horribly today and it still isn't working well. I had some labs Dr wanted me to get done and I wanted them to be ordered by my doctor at home in hopes that my insurance might actually cover them that way since I'm sure they will be expensive. However I procrastinated in calling my doctors office to see if he would order them until last week. Then he was off the next day and then his MA called about where I wanted them faxed but she was leaving and I haven't been able to get ahold of her since in spite of leaving her several messages along with a fax number. I still don't have my lab req. I called again today and spoke to someone asking them to e-mail it to me but it was late in the afternoon. I still haven't gotten it and will have to call back tomorrow and see what happened or have them do something different. The crappy part is that I waited long enough and AF showed up on Friday on my way to the airport and I missed CD 3 for those labs. I still will do the rest but since I procrastinated so much I don't know if I will be able to cycle this month. Part of me would like to wait as tomorrow is CD 5 and I haven't called Dr's office yet and my neck is still sort of bugging me and I'm still taking ibuprofen for it. I'll see if I can get the lab orders tomorrow and call the doctors office tomorrow. I am guessing I will be waiting until next month. I guess that gives me time to pay off bills right??

Going Bye Bye

Ok so to those of you who are interested in the book exchange and I've e-mailed you once and then the week from hell at work happened so I didn't do a follow up e-mail. Well now I'm going out of town for the weekend. So I promise I will get back on all of this next week. I haven't forgotten all of you.

Thank God It's My Friday

Thanks everyone for your input on my last post. I do appreciate it all. I will say though that I wasn't really so much lonely as bothered by the low self esteem thing. Not to say that I haven't had my lonely days and I'm sure I will have them again but it's more. The me I want to be has parties and lots of people over and doesn't blame herself when a friendship breaks up. The real me is so afraid of putting myself out there that she just thinks of having parties. I worry that the real me's self esteem issues will carry over to my children and I don't want that. I know all the positive thinking stuff and yes it can help but for me hasn't cured it. And it affects virtually every area of my life.
I'm so tired of work right now. I worked 6 of the last 7 days and I think my body decided it was done. The day before yesterday I couldn't fall asleep and definitely didn't get enough sleep. Yesterday I did fall asleep earlier but near as I can figure my body decided it was done regardless because as near as I can tell I slept through my alarm. I haven't overslept in like 7 years!!! I woke up, moved my sleep mask and realized it was darker than it should be. Rolled over, looked at the clock and saw it was 7:32 pm. I was supposed to be to work at 7 pm. Shit. Of course there were messages on my phone from work. I called them and said I would be there soon. It all worked out fine but oh my, what a beginning to my night. Now I have a couple of days off and plan to find something relaxing to do.

The Me I Want To Be

The other night I sat at work in a few slow moments paging through a catalog I had received in the mail. It had tons of different halloween decorations that were so cute. There was a set of cups/goblet things that were the greatest and I was thinking how cool it would be to get those and have a halloween party. Then I remembered that in all likelyhood if I bought them, they would sit in my cupboards for my someday life. The life I wish I lived but don’t. The life where I have parties and I have friends who would come to them. Which isn’t to say I don’t have friends but I guess I speak of IRL friends. And I have those too but it seems like not nearly enough for a party unless it was a party of 3 or 4. This bugs me too, especially since I’m unsure of exactly how I got here. I’ve tried planning parties a few times to the tune of mass failure. I think there were 2 or 3 where absolutely no one showed up. No one called, no one showed up of numerous people who said yes they would be there. At the time this was devastating. Then there are the friendships that have just fallen apart or whatever it is that happens. I know some have become distant because we have honestly grown apart, found different directions. For instance a very close friend whom I was friends with for many years who then became very religious. It felt like we had nothing to talk about and nothing in common, even like she was judging me or trying to change me into something that would fit better in her world. I do know that I feel bad sometimes that things aren’t what they used to be.
I feel like I left her behind and I know how much it hurts thinking about all the friends I’ve had in the past and some more recently where I was the one who felt left behind. And I make myself a little crazy wondering what happened. Wondering what I did wrong. Because it always seems like it had to have been something that I did. I do realize that possibly this feeling is related to severely low self esteem, assuming that the friendship ended because of something I did. However there seems to be enough instances where friendships ended abruptly without a visible reason such as a fight, disagreement or something that was the catalyst for an end. Which then because of my low self esteem leaves me feeling as if there is something about me this is unlikeable and or that people don’t really like me and would rather not be around me. This fear then leads to me not reaching out to people and trying to plan things but instead waiting for someone to invite me which seems to become more and more rare with the exception of a few people whom I feel confident enough to pick up the phone and call or go visit. Forget planning a party and inviting people over. The rare occasion where I do try to reach out and don’t get a response of some sort seems only to fuel the fear that I am unlikeable. I’ve been told before to just start reaching out but it just seems so far beyond my reach to get past all the shit in my head first. Which then makes me sad so I try to just not think about it. Not think about how I would love to have a group of women friends who got together on a semi regular basis for a potluck or drinks and an evening of girl talk or something. But then maybe that only exists in the books I’ve read. It also makes me worry that I’ll suck as a parent. Is it possible to teach a child self esteem when I have almost none? Is it possible to have a child become an adult who is confident and sure of themselves when I have so rarely felt sure of myself. Yet I want so badly to be a parent. Not to fix myself, or to live my life differently through my child but to experience the love as a parent and to see the world through the eyes of a child.

Show And Tell

So since I have done nothing fun and or interesting or exciting lately and I figured I wouldn't bore you all with pictures of my new vacuum, I decided to share some older pics of all my furbabies that always make me smile.
This one is of Luna when she was pretty little, she fell asleep on my slipper. The pic was a little blurry but still so cute.


This one is Luna when she was about 3 weeks old. Still funny looking but oh so cute too.

This one is Sara sitting in the dog dish. I found her here and she just didn't seem to know what to do with all that space. Lucky Sadie didn't come along and think she was a Sadie snack.

Here is my beautiful Sadie. This one was taken last time I was home in May. I'm missing her a lot more since last week.

This is an old picture of Sadie on the couch and it cracked me up at how she was laying there like she had just collapsed.

Weird

My computer is being really weird. It at this moment will not open my blog page from my favorites list but it's allowing me to type out this post so we'll see what happens. I tried at one point to hit the back button and it started trying to open up new pages and did so over and over again. I had 30 open internet explorers before I could get it to stop. Very strange. I can't seem to open any other blogs (at least blogspot I haven't tried word press yet) right now either. I hope this goes away.
I actually had a good night at work last night thank goodness. I'm hoping for another one tonight. That would be nice. We'll see what happens.
I will in the next couple of days get an e-mail sent off to all of you who said you would be interested in a book exchange and we'll see if we can plan this and get it going. Anyone else interested feel free to join in too.