Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas everyone. Sending many wishes for a beautiful day and many hugs to all!

Sizes

Clothing sizes are seriously strange. Beyond strange. I'm still adjusting to this. For so many years whenever I bought a piece of clothing I simply found the biggest size possible and bought it. Usually it fit although some clothing even in the biggest size was too small. I also remember back when I was in high school. I weighed about 150lbs at the time (which is still 50lbs less than I weigh right now folks) and I usually wore an extra large although once in a while I could get away with a large. Pants were about a size 11 if I remember correctly. These sizes fit although they were a bit snug. Not snug like you see so many girls wearing now but snug. I never would have dreamed though of wearing something that left rolls of fat hanging out from underneath the shirt or something. Anyways, at that time I was about a size 11 and XL. So, here I am 24 (holy shit has it been that long?) or so years later and 200lbs. I'm wearing a size 14 pants and it possibly won't be long before I'm into a 12. I'm also wearing fairly comfortably a size large top in most all things. Today I went to see if I could get a couple pairs of scrub pants and actually was able to wear a medium in a few. Maybe not the most flattering although they didn't look horrible if the top covered my ass but they fit. And in some of those the large was too big. I'm dumb founded. Has my body shape changed that much or have the sizes seriously changed that much? I'm pretty sure when I was about this weight at say 20 I couldn't get into anything less than a size 18 or 20 pants. Now 14 on my way to 12? It's really weird. Also makes it a bit more difficult. Gone are the days where I could just go into a store and pick out the largest item and buy it. No, I'm not complaining. Really. Cause shopping for clothes is soooo much more fun these days than it ever used to be. But I have to try every. single. thing. on. since I have no idea what size I am in various items. I spent a lot of time in the dressing room this morning only to find 2 pairs of pants that fit now and one pair that will probably fit soon (those are the mediums). I came home and pulled all of the 2x stuff and 18/20 stuff out of my closet since it really doesn't fit any more. Also the last few 22/24 items that I had bought last summer and wore a few times if at all. Yes I had several things in the closet that I had NEVER worn. Luckily most all of it was purchased on clearance and cheap. It just seems so mind boggling to me that I can go into virtually any store and purchase a piece of clothing.

This is truly the best thing I have ever done for myself. It hasn't been easy and somedays it still isn't but I am so glad I did it.

Busy Week

I can't for the life of me figure out why I can't seem to get all my Christmas stuff mailed out on time. Every year I tell myself "This year I'll get everything shipped out on time." Every year I manage to not do that. My BFF Christmas gift and birthday gift (her birthday is today) is still sitting in a box on my living room floor. Yes, it's going to be late again this year.

Work has been busy this week which has been nice. Monday night I got to work in the nursery with my preceptor and it was great. A nice boost for my self esteem as I feel like I did pretty darn good. It started off as a mostly calm not too dramatic night but towards the end of the shift we got a baby who needed to be on continuous pulse ox monitoring. So we got him all hooked up, I drew his blood and so on. A bit later all of the sudden babies oxygen started dropping. I jumped in and did what needed to be done and helped out until NICU came to pick him up. I realized later that I had taken care of the problem without freaking out or panicking. I was calm and I knew exactly what needed to be done. It was a nice feeling. I was also able to answer the questions of the nurse who came to pick him up without feeling like an utter idiot. This week I also took care of a fabulous couple who had delivered early. Babies were in the NICU so I didn't care for the babies but I really liked this couple and enjoyed talking to them and helping them. This is what I love about nursing. Feeling like I'm making a difference to someone. One more night (tonight) and then I'm off for 3 nights including Christmas. I don't really have any plans other than to watch movies and read. I hope everyone else has a Merry Christmas or great weekend or whatever.

Hello Again

I feel like I've been hardly posting lately but then when I think about needing to post I often feel like I don't have much to say. Like there hasn't been a lot going on in my life even though I guess there has been a lot going on.

Work is good. I'm liking the new position and my coworkers all seem really nice. I still miss my friends from my old position. I still find myself stopping by the office a couple of mornings a week to say hi to the wonderful ladies I used to work for. Yes, I have noticed a few "twinges" of pain at work when I'm holding someone's baby or something but mostly it's been ok. To some extent that feeling of longing for a baby of my own has returned a bit but it's not overwhelming. Yet anyways. I catch myself fantasizing about having a baby at some unknown point down the road but that's about the extent of it. I also find myself thinking about all the things I still would love to be able to do that would be much easier without children. I still also think of eventually getting back into NICU. I realize that I have things that I'm really good at. Like drawing blood which I did for 5 years before finishing nursing school. When I can help out a coworker and do the blood draw on an infant with minimal distress to the infant it's a really nice feeling. I also like working with the moms though too. For now, I'm in a good place. I'm loving being back to the 12 hour shifts and having 4 days a week off. I'm ok with the night shift again and am doing fine with sleeping during the day. I'm still feeling a bit of sadness at not getting the original position that I wanted in short stay. But as in all things, life goes on.

The weight loss continues to go well. I realize that I likely could be losing quicker if I did things maybe a bit differently but I also realize that I'm happy with where I'm at. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself and yet I'm continuing to lose at a fairly steady pace (although a bit slower pace than what my surgeon would prefer). I'm 2 pounds away from weighing less than 200 pounds. A weight I haven't seen since I was 21 which was a long fucking time ago. I feel better than I have felt in years. Yes I still have some aches and pains but so much less than I used to. My hips and back have been bugging me some lately but I think that it's related to me wearing the shape*ups from Ske*tchers. I also think that if I keep wearing them that my muscles will strengthen and I will eventually be better off for it. My knees on the other hand make me a bit nuts. They have been bugging me lately too. For the first time in YEARS or maybe ever I've been able to do stairs easily. I was a bit giddy with my ability to do several flights and not feel like I needed CPR when I got to the top. Then my knees started protesting. Now I'm back to elevators and feeling disappointed. However the falls I've had over the years (landing on my knees, yes I'm a bit of a klutz) and the years I've spent carting around close to or over 300 pounds have done some damage which isn't going to go away. So to some extent I need to be careful not to cause any further damage and realize that my knees will never be like they were at 21. Such is life.

I also can say that as much as I love to keep up with my friends from blog land I also feel a bit like I'm moving more towards living less of my life online. I don't know if that describes it right though. Mostly I had so many years where most of my friends were those I had met online. I didn't have friends that I spent time with outside of work or my computer. I do now and I'm loving it but I find that I'm tending to not blog as much. I think also that since I started this blog as a TTC blog and since I'm not TTC at this point and don't honestly know what the future holds for that I don't blog as much or as often. Sometimes I feel a little disloyal to all my blog friends who have been such a big part of my life for so long. It's hard to keep up sometimes.

Sadie is doing mostly ok although she is still having break through seizures fairly regularly. It sucks and I worry about her a lot. I still haven't taken her in to have the lumps checked out as I know that the next vet visit will likely be expensive as there are several tests that need to be done. So see, not much happening but yet lots happening.

First Night

Well tonight is my first night of my new position. I'm excited and nervous both. I slept most of the day so I should be fine as far as staying awake goes. I have come to the conclusion though that I really need to get some room darkening curtains. It was pretty light today. Course that was because it was sunny and BEAUTIFUL out. This is the reason I love California. I love a sunny day. There are going to be a few kinks to iron out I think. One, Sadie seems to think that since I'm home I can take her out to potty every 3 hours or so. I don't know if we still have a bladder infection thing going on but she seems to potty a lot. I worry too about her being alone for 13+ hours too. It's an awfully long time for her to go without being able to go outside. Oh how I miss having a yard.

I also don't know how my eating plan or meal plan or whatever is going to be affected by the change to nights. In the past when I worked nights I would come home from work and eat and then go to bed. Hell I ate all the time. Now I try not to eat and then crawl into bed. So I'm guessing that I will either come home and have nothing or if I'm hungry come home and have a protein shake maybe. Not a coffee one though. I also have mostly not "eaten" breakfast most days since surgery. I'll have a coffee protein shake usually and often don't really eat before going to work. Now I think I need to eat something before I go to work. Then I'm figuring something in the night for "lunch". I guess we'll see how it goes. In the past I also never really got much exercise on the days I worked but being in an apartment with no yard it is sort of not an option to not take Sadie for a walk. It's all a work in progress like always.

Over the weekend I read a most fabulous book. It's called "The Forgotten Garden" and the link is over there on my side bar. It was really a good book. There were some references to infertility in it that were pretty well done and the story kept me reading until the very end.

Now I suppose I should work on getting ready for work.

So Sad

Please go leave your thoughts with Paige right now. I'm so sorry for your loss honey and my thoughts are with you.

New Adventures

So next week starts my new adventure at work. I finished up my last day in the preop area yesterday and it was a bit sad. I've struggled the last couple of weeks with feeling sad and a little angry over the idea that none of management made any effort to keep me in surgical services. There was a 12 hour shift posted back in July that I applied for and talked to several different managers about how I wanted that position. However with the big changes in management that we've had over the last 6 months or so and the fact that we have an interim manager it has all sort of gotten pushed to the side. In addition to that the only manager who is still there is the one I used to worked under when I was in that horrible position and the one who I expected to do her job and do something about her nurses that were bullies and harrassing me. I'm guessing that what she had to say about me wasn't great. So it had been made clear that I likely wouldn't get the position I wanted and I started applying elsewhere. Once I had the job in post partum I got a lot of comments from my coworkers who don't want me to leave which sort of reinforced for me that it was specifically the one manager who was influencing me not getting the first position I applied for. Basically it all left me feeling sort of bad. That said, it's all done now. Tuesday I start in my new area and I want to start with a good attitude and give this my all. I'm excited that the department I'm going to is excited to be getting me and am looking forward to doing something new.

I'm also sort of hoping that maybe I can sort of get my "baby fix" working in post partum. I'm not sure where I'm at with TTC. Last week I felt like maybe I was ready to be done trying. I still want to be a mom but realistically I can't imagine putting more money into it. There are other factors as well. Things such as knowing that I'm 40 and how old I will be when my child would be grown, my chances of a spontaneous pregnancy (with no man or intervention hahaha!), and strangely how much the idea of any amount of weight gain freaks me the hell out. Then this week talking with my friend who is pregnant about names for her baby made me feel sad about how I'll likely never get to use the names I had picked out. I just feel so back and forth with it all. I do still have the single lone vial of spermies up in Sacramento but that will be a home insemination (as I don't really have a doctor anymore) and lets face it, the chances of that working or so fucking slim it's not even funny. So I feel like I'm slowly letting go of things. This week I went through all the boy stuff I had bought over the last few years of TTC and gave most of it to the friend who's pregnant. She was excited to get it all as she didn't have much and it will get used instead of sitting in a drawer for several more years. Besides lets be real. Should I ever manage to have a baby it's not like I won't buy more stuff. Some of the girl things will be a bit harder to get rid of. It's a work in progress though.

Oh and speaking of weight loss and gain? This week I finally hit 100 pounds lost. On Wednesday I weighed 206 which is 100.5 pounds off since surgery on April 21st. Plus I'm only 7 pounds away from being under 200 pounds! Yes I know I need to post some pictures I just haven't had anyone take any lately. I will soon though.

Last night while petting Sadie I found a largish lump in her abdomen. That has me sort of freaked out a bit. It's about the size of a golf ball and while I'm not a veterinarian or anything I'm pretty sure that lumps are almost never a good thing. That along with the fact that Luna has been coughing a lot more lately which is a sign that her heart maybe getting worse and that she could be going into heart failure have me freaked out a little. Both over the idea of the potential vet bills and the idea of losing all of my fur babies at once. So next week I will hopefully have some money left after paying my bills for yet another vet visit.

Great Thanksgiving

I had a great time in Washington for Thanksgiving. In spite of the snow and cold and worry over my dog. Everything was fine though so the worry was pretty much for nothing. It was very cold and snowy there which didn't thrill me but I had such a great time getting to visit with everyone. I really made more of an effort this time to get together with people that I don't see as frequently as I would like to which was nice. Spending the holidays with my chosen family is pretty great too. The cats did fine while I was gone although they were sure happy to see me when I got home and Sadie did pretty good too. I guess she had one seizure while I was gone but seems fine and I was really pleased and impressed with the kennel. I will definitely use them again. I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head right now and things I want to "talk" out but I'm totally beat and really need to try to get some sleep. Plus Luna is trying to work her head under my hand so I will pet her which makes it awfully hard to type. So I will try to post again this weekend.

So Behind

Still, again, something. Heck I was caught up for a day or so. The last week has been busy with trying to get things ready for my trip. I realized I didn't have any shoes that weren't clogs or sandals but thought I would be ok since there isn't always snow yet. Mother nature of course had other ideas. It's supposed to be a high of 10 degrees tomorrow when I get to Spokane. Ugg. So I made an Old Navy run and bought some cheapy boots for the trip. I have a coat that was given to me by a friend and I think I'll be ok. Not really looking forward to the cold though.

Turns out Sadie isn't going with me. The airlines isn't flying animals this week. So I found a place to board her and took her there tonight. I felt horrible doing it. I'm afraid she will think I left her forever or that she'll have more seizures. She had another one last night which ended up not being too bad but still freaked me out. The kennel place seemed pretty nice though and she had a good sized dog run for her stay there with her bed and food dishes etc. I even left her some of my dirty socks as it's something that will smell like me. Yes, I'm probably pathetic but I felt horrible leaving her. The cats will be taken care of by a friend who can stop by daily and medicate them and I'm excited to be going home. Even if it is colder than hell there. I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and maybe by the time I come home I'll be all caught up again. Or maybe not. It's hard to say.

Busy Busy

Yes, it's been another busy week. Almost over and then I work 2 days next week and leave for Washington! And Sadie isn't going with me. Turns out that around the holiday the airline doesn't let any animals fly. So I'm back to the whole boarding idea which I don't love but it seems to be the only option at this time. I have a lot to do in between now and next Tuesday night too. Things for getting ready for my trip. I need to start packing my office stuff up at work and bringing it home.

Oops

Wow, I didn't realize it had been that long since I posted. Last week was a pretty busy week. I'm guessing this week will be also. Work has been busy and there has been a lot going on. I got my plane ticket for my trip home and of course I paid more for it than I hoped to. I had looked last Wednesday and it was significantly cheaper to fly out of Sacramento but I was still suffering from indecision and procrastinated. Thursday morning I went to buy my ticket and the price had went up about $80 which meant it was no longer cost effective to fly out of Sacramento. I guess that is a good thing but I had hoped to avoid paying as much as I did for my ticket. Partly because of another dilemma. I'm trying to figure out what to do with Sadie. I can't leave her hear in the apartment with just someone coming in to walk her as there is no yard etc. I can't really leave her with anyone either as most of the people who would be willing to consider it also have dogs and guess what, she doesn't like other dogs. She really doesn't like other dogs. So I started looking into boarding her which I hate to do but it seemed like the best option. My opinion at this point is maybe I should open my own dog boarding business cause that is seriously expensive. As in about the same as what it would cost for me to fly her to Washington with me. So, it looks like I'm taking her with me. I'm a little nervous about it but I still have plenty of left over valium and she's going to be with me. Or mostly with me. She'll be staying with D while I stay at his mom's but I think it will all still work out well. So it's all costing me more than I thought or hoped it would. I am very excited about my trip though. It will be nice to be home for the holiday although I'm considering the fact that I just might freeze my ass off while I'm there. Yeah, I'm pretty much cold all the time anymore.

Work as usual has been full of drama. Not sure where it's going or if it's going anywhere. I'm not sure what I want to happen either and it's way more than I want to think about now. It's actually been nice not thinking about it over the weekend.

I've done some reading this weekend, a little shopping and some cooking. Today I made 2 different kinds of meat loaves for the coming 2 weeks. I kept a few out and froze the rest. Then I can come home and take them out and warm them up. That works so much better for me than trying to come home and actually cook something. I also made some fabulous guacamole. Oh my do I love it. I kept some out for this week and froze the rest of that too. Some yogurt dip for apples also to top it all off. I did laundry and even cleaned the bathroom. Managed to walk the dog twice a day and still read books. So, basically an all around great weekend. I can't wait to be having more days off a week!

Outside Looking In

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside of what my life was supposed to be, looking in and feeling like none of it measures up so well. I was supposed to be a wife and mother with a mini van, several kids, dogs, cats etc. Some days I'm not sure how I got here. Here being 40. 40, single, and my only children my furbabies. In my mind I can picture how my life was supposed to be. A loving husband who treats me fabulous, my kids whom I have fun with, play with and experience all the things in life that I sometimes feel like I missed out on as a child. I picture not making my mom's mistakes. Loving my children unconditionally and forever no matter what they do or don't do. Every day I catch myself in my mind thinking of the names I had picked for my someday babies.

There are times though that I can stop myself and force myself to take a step back and look at what those pictures in my mind truly are. In those pictures the someday babies are never older than say 2 or 3, are well behaved and rarely fussy, temper tantrum throwing typical children. The pictures I imagine are just the surface pictures. They don't contain crabby drama craving teenagers, defiant pre-teens or anything else negative. It's always picture perfect that picture in my mind. I have enough friends with children (most of my friends have teenagers or grown children) that I often see the true picture of parenting and I know that the picture in my mind is skewed at best and completely unrealistic for the most part. When taking that step back and looking at the reality, I often find myself wondering why I even want that. Hell, I've got it good. I can do whatever I want with my time and money and let's face it, it's way easier finding a sitter for your dog than your 2 year old.

I know that the reality of it all is somewhere in between the picture in my mind and the drama I see my friends going through with their children. I know like a teeter-totter that reality will rock back and forth, sometimes falling nearer to the picture in my mind and sometimes falling much nearer to a reality TV show in the making. I also know that sometimes I truly don't know what I want or what to wish for. Sometimes I can't imagine not having children and other times I can't for the life of me imagine how I can raise children when I barely manage to take care of my animals. Yes, I know that as a parent you find a balance. You find ways of making it work. I also know that should I ever reach that point of being a parent I will somehow find a way. Yet sometimes I also feel like I am so close to deciding to live child free. To deciding to give up the time, effort and associated heartache of chasing after something I may never have. But is that letting go because I want to or is it letting go because it's less painful. I really don't know the answer to that.

Yay!!!

I finally managed to work it out so that I have the days off I need for Thanksgiving!! Now hopefully the price of the plane ticket doesn't increase too much by next Thursday (when I get paid again) and I can get my ticket somewhat reasonably priced. It took a bit of manipulating on my part which I feel a little bit bad about but not really a lot bad about. I did request it off quite a while ago and gave them ample time to find someone else to work it and I'm only taking the Wednesday before and the Monday after off. I already have the Thursday through Sunday off. So, I get to go home!!

Other great news? I got a new position at work! I've been looking for a couple of months now since I hit one year in my current position. It was a bit of a hard decision as I LOVE the people I work with and that's huge after spending close to a year in a seriously hostile work environment. However as much as I love my co-workers the job is really rather boring and I haven't loved the hours. I never wanted to go to 8 hour shifts and working 5 days a week but did so as I didn't have any other options at that point. So I've been looking for 12 hour shifts. I tried to work on something in my department but it just wasn't happening and pretty much seemed like it wouldn't happen. I applied for a position in another close and associated department that I know I like the people there but that wasn't going anywhere. Then I figured out that it would be the same supervisor as the hostile place and even though for a while I still hoped I finally realized a couple of weeks ago that I would never get that position and it was probably a good thing. I really didn't want to go back to being under that supervisor who didn't do anything to protect me against the bullying and harassment I received from her charge nurses. Plus I would have went back to having at least some dealing with some of the nurses (although not the one who was harassing me the most) that I had worked with before. So I started looking elsewhere. I got frustrated for a while and started to wonder if there was something on my application that was influencing managers not to call me as I hadn't gotten any response from several internal applications. I kept pushing though and last Friday got a call (that I missed) from a manager wanting to interview me. Before I could call her back on Monday she had called again and we set up an interview for Tuesday morning. I left the interview feeling like things had went fairly well and had been told they would let me know by the end of the week or early next week. Well, within an hour and a half human resources had called to offer me the position. I am really excited. I'll be working 12 hour night shifts and I'm really good with that. I was always mostly ok with nights and would truly rather work nights than 7am in the morning. Plus I get paid more for nights which I can really use right now. Plus I only have to work 3 nights a week although I can work 4 if I want to. I'll be working in post-partum. Possibly a strange choice for an infertile but I think it will still be a good move. Also it will hopefully give me a bit of insight as to whether I want to try NICU again in the future but will also be in a mostly stable environment. I really liked the manager and I think it's going to be a great move for me. Now if only I could take all my current co-workers with me.

Happy Halloween!

There is a reason why my animals hate Halloween. Here's Sadie's reason. This isn't as bad though as past years. It's sort of a pajama thing and not an actual dog costume. She as usual just looks at me like "Really?" Poor dog.

I did take my camera to work to get a photo of my Halloween shirt I made which was pretty much the extent of my costume this year. Unfortunately you can't really see much of the shirt here. No one seems to be able to figure out my camera. I will see if I can get someone else to take a pic of me in it later today but I don't know if I'll be able to.

Yesterday was a really good day. My friend called and asked if I wanted to take a road trip up to Vacaville as she has a friend there that was getting rid of some stuff. I said sure since it seemed like it would be a good day for a road trip and hey there is an outlet mall there. We had a lot of fun visiting all the way up and back, the drive wasn't too bad either. I didn't end up buying anything at the outlet mall though as funds are still tight and the couple of things I wanted to buy weren't any cheaper there than if I bought them here. Here is a picture of me though right before we left.

Hope everyone has a safe and fun Halloween tonight.

I Remembered!

My blogoversary! As of 10/26 I've been blogging for 4 years. Holy crap. Every year I think I'm going to acknowledge my blogoversary and every year I forget. So hey, maybe my memory is getting better? Probably not but oh well.

My weekend was too short again but overall it was a good one. I can't say I accomplished a lot but I had time to read a good book which is always nice. Sadie is doing much better (other than she still has a bladder infection) and no more seizures which is awesome.

On Sunday my sister found me on facebook which yes is probably a little thing but I get to actually see pictures of her and my niece. I have never seen my niece in person and I haven't seen my sis since 2002 so it's nice "seeing" her again. We also don't talk often so it's nice getting to see a bit more about what she's doing.

Otherwise not much happening. I did just finish my Halloween scrub shirt I was making and will post pictures later this week. I'm thinking I will wear it Friday and am hoping to get some accessories of sorts to go with it. That is if wally world still has the little bit extra I saw there last week.

Suddenly Fertile?

No, I'm not pregnant. You have to actually be having sex to be pregnant, or at least have the possibility of sperm coming into some near contact with your eggs. Neither is happening right now but it's still something that's on my mind. Daily.

I've had many people IRL comment to me that with the weight loss it will be easier to become (and stay I presume) pregnant. I know in many cases this can be true. Also like any (previous) fat or chubby girl there is always that little niggling of hope in the back of my mind that when I've lost 100 or 150 pounds that I will be able to get pregnant on my own without the medical intervention. There is a part of me that still thinks daily about how much I want to be a mother. However I also know that realistically the weight loss while doing numerous other things for me (like getting rid of diabetes, helping my heart and prolonging my life) may not do much for my fertility. I mean lets face it here, my body may be thinner and healthier but the eggs in them ol ovaries are still 40 years old and will be closer to 41 before I'm able to try again. Not that I don't think there might still be a couple of good ones in there somewhere but statistically what are my chances for managing to fertilize one of the good ones out of all the not so good ones without medical intervention. Add in the fact that I'm a bit sperm challenged (as in I don't have easy and cheap access to any) and that makes my chances even smaller. I have one vial of frozen sperm on ice at the clinic up in Sacramento that I do plan on at least attempting a home cycle with but I don't know that I can afford or if I even want to afford any type of actual cycle with drugs and all. I sort of feel a bit like I ended up in a state of complete financial ruin thanks to my aged ovaries and fat hiney and short of winning the lottery truly don't know if I can ever go back to trying again. That said I find myself still daily thinking of my desire to parent. I truly don't know where that leaves me. Yes I've thought some more about adoption but truly that is no more financially attainable than another IVF or donor egg cycle would be. Right now that sort of leaves me trying to live vicariously through a friend at work who's pregnant with her second child. Thankfully she seems to be more than happy to allow me this but it still leaves me wondering what will happen next.

Better

Well I ended up getting Sadie into the vet today and getting a bit more sleep. She seems to be doing mostly ok today although still has a bit of diarrhea. She hasn't had any further seizures and she is now back on her medicine. I was telling the vet what she was taking before and he said that seemed like a high amount. Then I remembered that she was a bit fatter a year and a half ago. Like 12 pounds fatter. So we're on a smaller amount and she's also taking some valium to help with preventing seizures until the phenobarbital hits a therapeutic level for her. I also have a couple of injections that I could give if she does start to have a seizure. Get this though. The injections? Are a liquid to be given either nasally or rectally. Oh yeah, that sounds like fun. At any rate she seems to be doing good and hopefully it will just keep on that way.

Well I Was Caught Up

On all my blog posts that is. Yeah, not so much now.

It's been a rough 24 hours. Last night I came home from walking Sadie and sat down to eat something and watch House from the night before. Once I was finished I got up and thought I would check my e-mail quickly and go to bed since I hadn't been getting much sleep lately. I happened to look down the hall and noticed massive quantities of puke in my bedroom. So into check on Sadie who is hiding in the closet and not currently having a seizure but I have no idea how long she had been having a problem. So outside we went and she's a little shaky but not bad. However before we could even make it back inside it all started up again. That one lasted about an hour. Long enough that I was freaking out as I know I probably should have taken her to the vet but at that time of night the only option is way out of my price range. So I sat with her until it stopped fully and then sat with her for another hour or so just petting her and helping her relax. She has cluster seizures and they tend to stop and start and stop and start etc. She used to take medication back before she went to live with the other person but when she came back to me I had no idea how long she had been off them. I was also sort of hoping that she would maybe go back to one every 3-4 months and we could live without the meds. Yeah, not really happening. At work today 2 of my co-workers offered to loan me enough money to take her to the vet. I hate accepting it but I need to get her in before she ends up in a non ending seizure that lands us at the emergency clinic. So today I called and made her an appointment for the vet on Saturday. I figured I'd be ok until then. Not so much with that either. I came home to more massive quantities of puke and just for fun (or shits and giggles) a pretty large quantity of poop too. Seems she also had diarrhea this time. Now I don't know if we're going to make it until Saturday. Poor baby. I worry about her so much. I also feel like a huge loser who can't afford to take care of my animals (and how the hell could I ever hope to take care of babies/children when I can't afford to take my dog to the vet. So tomorrow morning I'm calling the vet to see if they can get us in tomorrow. If they do, I know that there is no way I can get her over to the vet clinic and then all the way back across town and then back down town to work on time tomorrow. And if I'm more than 30 minutes late even if I call and tell them I'm going to be late it counts as a whole absence so if it's going to count as a whole absence I'm taking the day off. So I may be calling in sick tomorrow. Sucks and I really don't want to do this, especially since I've been applying for and hoping for a chance at some 12 hour positions but my dog not having any more seizures is sort of a big deal too. Hey, at least she's easy to give meds to. All I have to do is wrap it in meat.

Wonderful Sunday

Well except for the fact that it's Sunday which we all know is followed by Monday. However it's such a nice day here. It's cooled down quite a bit and I was even able to turn off the AC again. Here's hoping I don't have to turn it back on. It even sprinkled a bit this morning. Yesterday was nice too although still a bit on the warm side. I went and got all new tires on my car. I couldn't afford it but also didn't have much of a choice as the old tires were all pretty worn. Now to see which bills I can manage to pay.

Today consists of doing laundry and maybe I'll get around to organizing my hall closet. I also need to get my sewing machine out and work on finishing up some more of my blankets and hem the Halloween shirt I had made for work. I had found this fabulous fabric with bats on it which of course I had to make into a shirt. Now I just need to finish it in order to wear it. Although I think it's already too big. Yesterday I also got out all my Halloween decorations which was fun. I've got the outside patio area decorated. I will save the buying of candy for Halloween day and will likely try to pick out something I know I don't like and therefore won't eat. Tough when it comes to anything with sugar.

One of the things I've been enjoying a lot lately is living near an airport. See I live close to here and when I'm out walking Sadie I get some time to watch the planes taking off and landing. Especially on the weekends. I've also gotten to watch the owners drive their planes down the road to the entrance to the air port which is rather amusing too. It brings back memories of when I was pretty young. My grandfather had a small airplane that him and my grandmother would take trips in etc. I remember going up in it a few times and then remember my dad having a fit that it wasn't safe and not going up again. I also remember loving it though. How I'd love to get to know some of the local owners and to get to go for a flight sometime.

The Weekend Is Here!

Finally. Actually this week seemed to go by sort of quickly so I guess I can't complain. I worked late tonight as I had said I would close which means mostly that the rack of surgery charts for the next day (Monday) is ready for the day. At the end of the shift I had a chart for a patient who was actually having surgery on Sunday and I didn't want it left in our unit as a lot of work had been done on it already so I took it down to the surgical end. I saw one of the charge nurses that I had worked with on nights and also a scrub tech. Neither one of them recognized me at first. It's kind of funny. Or at least it is to me. Then one asked if I had done it with diet and exercise. In other words "Or did you have surgery?" I'm not ashamed of the fact that I had surgery. It was a decision I made for myself to improve my life and I don't really care much what others think. It sort of reminds me of all the infertility conversations though. You get those who come right out and ask if you did treatments (surgery) or those who hint around or ask indirectly. Of course there are plenty who have their own opinions, beliefs etc on both infertility and weight loss surgery and you will always get those who very boldly voice said opinions. Sometimes you try to educate and sometimes it's easier to just walk away. You know since choking the life out of someone is sort of against the law. At any rate I tend to be just as open and up front about weight loss surgery as I am about infertility. It's not for everyone but for me so far it's been a success. Even though I think I've hit another plateau. Which sort of sucks ass but I suppose I can't complain to much as I haven't really had too many plateaus so far. For the last 2 weeks I've been hovering around 217 and 218 and yes I'm weighing myself way to often and making myself a little crazy. Daily isn't good. It's time to step away from the scale.

On my journey down to the other end of the hospital (we have 2 main buildings that are connected and I work in the older building and don't go to the trauma end much) I also saw the friend or former friend who had Sadie for close to a year. My first thought was to go in and say hi and ask what happened. When I thought more I realized that I'm not sure if it matters. Part of me would really like to hear her say it but I do believe that she wouldn't have just dumped Sadie. I still really think Sadie got out or ran away which would explain her hellish appearance when I picked her up. She had been on her own for a while. I still think it was irresponsible to not call me and let me know but I guess I can maybe understand a bit how or why that happened. Plus, it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change what the financial cost was, what happened to Sadie and thankfully it doesn't change the fact that Sadie is back in my life. And I'm truly thankful that she is back.

Otherwise, not much going on. Work is busy, finances still suck but I keep hoping they will get better soon. Maybe. I just had so much that I had put off for so long and now I can't put it off any more. In the meantime my goal this weekend is to put up my Halloween decorations and stay my ass at home where I can't spend any unnecessary money. Maybe do some cooking too as I'm getting a little bored with the small range of things that I can put together quickly and eat without getting sick. Oh and maybe get caught up a bit on my DVR'd shows that I haven't been watching.

Anniversary's

If my dad were still alive today would have been my mom and dad's wedding anniversary. Funny I remember my parent's anniversary but couldn't tell you their birthdays. Then anniversaries were celebrated and birthdays weren't. I think it would have been 43 years now. He's been gone for 16 years and I miss him so much. I don't know if things would be any different with him than they are with mom if he was still alive but I like to think so. He did seem to always have a bit of a calming effect on her. Growing up on my parents anniversary it was always a "family" day. Us kids got presents too. Looking back I'm sure it was to make up for not celebrating holidays and birthdays. Something to make us feel included and like we weren't missing out. Although for the record as a child I never felt like I was missing out on that much. It was as an adult that I realized I never had the wonder of believing in Santa, the tooth fairy etc. Little things I know. I don't know that there is necessarily a point to these musings. Just that I miss my dad and my family. While I'm hugely thankful for the chosen family I have that is so wonderful and amazing, I still sometimes miss the people who are supposed to be there and love unconditionally. The ones who just can't seem to manage that.

Why?

Why do weekends always seem so damn short? They do. I think I'm still not used to working 5 days a week. They really do seem to go by much to quickly. I got most of my pictures hung on the wall and finally got the wifi up and running and set up my desk in the second bedroom. Nice to feel a bit more settled.

It seems like there has been a bunch of stuff I wanted to post about but now I

can't think of what most of it was.

Last week I know I was going to post about how excited I was about my new blender. I had a blender I had bought about a year or so ago and it was ok when I only used it a couple of times a year but the daily use wasn't as much fun. It was horrible at crushing ice (what do you expect for $25?) and just didn't work that great. I had gotten a coupon for Bed*Bath&Beyond for 20% off one item and I went last weekend and got a new blender. I've been loving it! My protein

shakes have been fabulous and it works so good. This morning I figured out why it works so well though when I sliced my finger open trying to wash it out. Damn those blades are sharp. I've got a pretty good sized cut on the tip of my middle finger that I've spent part of the day trying various forms of coverage and think that the steri-strips seem to be working best. Kind of hurts to type.

Oh, I remember what something else I wanted to blog about. Last week I had a patient come in with her son who was so incredibly gorgeous. He spent the half hour or so in my office flirting like crazy and had me blushing and giggling. I wonder though if this makes me a cougar since I think there is a fairly good possibility that I might be old enough to be this guys mom. It was an amazing feeling though to realize that he was flirting with me. I find myself not really knowing how to react but it does make me feel good.

Now I guess I'll throw in some pictures.

Here is the lovely present I received the other day from a friend. They came off her tree. I don't know if I will ever manage to eat all of them though but they are so beautiful and yummy looking.

Here's Sara and Luna sitting in the sun by the window. They were both rather unimpressed with me disturbing their nap.
Here's Sadie sleeping in one of her beds. Her hair is growing back nicely although it's a bit more gray than it used to be. Poor girl I think she's getting older.

Luna was sleeping on my jacket here. She does this a lot where she's all curled up and it looks like she's asleep but then you look and her one eye is open and she's watching you. It's a little creepy. Cracks me up though.

And finally here are a couple of pictures of me. These are about a month old and I don't love them. I look too posed. I need to figure out a way to get some good pictures of myself where I don't look like an uncomfortable dork having my picture taken. Hmm. Wonder how I'll manage that.
This one is actually a better picture even if I am being goofy striking a pose.

Chilly

It's went from being hot muggy and miserable to down right cold. It even actually rained here today. It was sort of nice. Although I froze my ass off at work today. It's the damnedest thing. I used to never be cold. I was always hot and now I'm freezing.

As of yesterday I am down 90 pounds. Yes, I will post pictures. Soon I promise. I still haven't located the cord to my camera and tonight I took the camera over to a friends house so she could take some pictures and turns out the battery is dead too. So I have to find that as well. Hopefully in the next couple of days I can get my computer actually moved into the second bedroom. Right now it's in the middle of my living room and sort of in the way of my TV. The TV which I really haven't had time to watch much lately. So far of new season shows I've watched House and Two and A Half Men.

There isn't a lot else going on here. I have 2 stitches in my forearm. Last week when I went to the dermatologist and showed her the rash she had a different idea of what it was and when I then went on to explain that I've been getting similar rashes in various places for like 20 years she decided it would be a good idea to biopsy it. Hmm. I didn't know they could do that but cool. I didn't think about the fact though that I'd have stitches that would catch on everything and bug me endlessly. She said I could come back in 2 weeks and have them removed and then the office scheduled me for almost 3 weeks later. I'm so not waiting that long to get these out. I'm guessing that by Friday I will be hunting down a suture removal kit at work and having a co-worker remove them for me. They're annoying. I'm still itcy but it's getting a bit better. I can't decide yet if I can tell a difference from the new arthritis med although I can tell you that it stings to rival any infertility med I've injected into my body. Yes, this is injectible too. So that's the last few days for me.

Busy Weekend

It's been a busy weekend here. I've been helping my friend move and it's been hotter than hell. Mid to high 90's and muggy and gross. We worked for several hours yesterday right in the middle of the day and it left me so drained. Plus I think I didn't get enough fluid even though I was drinking throughout the day. I was so tired last night. I don't know if she plans to go try and finish up today or not but in the meantime I want to work more on getting my place organized. I finally finished my third and final book of the series that had occupied so much of my time lately. It was a really good series if you like mystery type books. I've got links to the books in my side bar under the books I've read this year. It's the top 3 on the list at the moment.

Sadie has been so very patient with me and my constant reading lately and being gone helping my friend move. I've still been getting at least one walk a day in but for the last several days I haven't gotten both walks in. Poor doggy. I'm amazed at how good she is and that she's back in my life. She truly is meant to be with me and I'm glad she's here. I still feel guilty a lot that I don't do enough for her and there is no yard here etc but she's always just so damn happy. She still can be a bit dog aggressive towards other dogs but otherwise she is back to her old self.

Not much else going on here. Just trying to get organized and settled into the new space. Work is work. It seems to be going fine for the most part. I'm still a bit bored with what I'm doing but I do really love the people I work with. I also love having all my holidays off although I don't love working 8 hour shifts. I've applied for various other positions although so far nothing has come of it. Oh well. For now I'll stay put as I really want my holidays off this year. I'm trying to figure out how I can come up with the money to fly home for Thanksgiving. If I do I'll also have to figure out what to do with Sadie. It would be nice if I could just take her with me but I'm guessing the cost of flying her as well might be astronomical. I guess we'll wait and see.

Court

Court was quick, easy and relatively painless. The stress or nervousness leading up to it was way worse than the actual time in court. I was there about 30 minutes. I'm trying not to feel like a failure and instead to look at this as a new start.

The stress, PMS and heat here though have left me feeling more than a little bit drained. I came home today and instead of working on unpacking some more I've not done much useful. Oh well. The unpacking will still be there later. I've also stayed in the house most all of the day because 100 degrees just sucks today. Hopefully I will manage to get to bed early tonight and feel a bit more energetic tomorrow.

Catching Up

I'm down to 70 posts in my reader and of those all of them are those who have like 10 or more posts I haven't read. Soon I'll be all caught up. And I'm sure soon after that I'll be all behind again. Such is life.

My weekend was busy trying to get the old apartment cleaned up. I'm worried they are going to screw me on the carpet issue. It was old carpet when I moved in but my dear little Sara princess kitty who hates to dirty her toesies in the litter box didn't do that old carpet any favors. Hopefully it's not too bad.

I have court tomorrow for the bankruptcy. I'm sure it will be fine but I'm nervous anyways. I took the whole day off work though which will be nice. Work is ok. The drama with the co-worker seems have moved into the lets pretend it never happened so whatever.

I also managed to get some more unpacking done this weekend since I finished my book (second of 3 in a series) and can't afford to buy the next one until Saturday. Really really good books though. They have had me totally captivated. I'm really liking the new apartment and the extra space and having my washer and dryer off the patio. Nice to have them indoors again. I feel bad for Sadie that there is no yard at all but she's getting 2 pretty decent walks a day and doesn't seem to be complaining about it. Plus it's getting me out for walks which feels good. She had a seizure I think on Friday. It was while I was at work so I didn't see it but I came how to large quantities of puke which usually follow the seizures. When she first came back to me I wasn't sure how long she had been off her meds and money was an issue (still is really) so I didn't get her right back on the meds. I'll start tracking again now how often the seizures happen and then decide if she needs to be medicated. For a lot of years it was only once every 3-4 months and we could live with that. Then they started happening more often and then there was the seizure that wouldn't stop that landed her in the emergency vet overnight etc. I would love to avoid that again. So if they seem to be happening regularly I'll get her records from the other vet and take them to the new vet and get her restarted. It's not like she's difficult to give pills to and hell, everyone else in the house takes medicine, why not the dog too.

Otherwise not much going on. I promise I will get some pictures posted soon. Like when I find the cord to plug my camera into my computer. I still don't know where that is.

126

That's the number of posts sitting in my reader at this moment. No, I guess I'm not doing very well at keeping up with everyone. Sorry. I will catch up eventually. I think.

It's been a busy couple of weeks. While I got all my big stuff moved the weekend before last I had a lot of the little piddly stuff to move still. It didn't really seem like that much until I started moving it and then it seems like a lot. I'm down to the end but it's still going to be like 2 more trips. These are trips across town with no freeway, after work. Also last weekend when I had hoped to clean, it didn't happen. I had lots of fun but no cleaning. So that is in the plans for this coming weekend. Oh goody.

Last weekend I decided it was time to get some clothes one way or another. I was down to having not much other than my scrubs that fit. So shopping I went. I hit a thrift store but I have to admit that I HATE shopping at thrift stores. It's not that I don't like used stuff it's that I can't stand looking through racks and racks and racks of stuff for a few things that might fit. Maybe it brings back flash backs of my childhood where my grandmother would take us to Value Village and spend like half a day there. Or at least it felt like half a day. At any rate I didn't find anything at the thrift store. I did however stop at Old Navy looking for long sleeve t-shirts. They were having a sale and I ended up getting several long sleeve shirts and several short sleeve shirts and 2 pairs of pants for less than $60. That was awesome. Both the good buys and the fact that I was able to buy things at Old Navy for the first time ever. It's a great feeling to be able to shop at places I never could before. It's a great feeling to have so many people notice the weight loss too. I've been getting a lot of people who don't recognize me at first. Including the bitchy nurse who was one of my tormentors when I worked nights before I switched departments. I saw her at work the other day and she just glanced at me and didn't realize it was me.

Work has been boring and stressful. Monday one of my co-workers got mad at me because I wasn't helping her by doing her lab draw although she hadn't asked me to do it etc. I guess I'm just supposed to know what she wants me to do. The problem is that this is someone I really like but she has been in a perpetually bad mood for a very long time and has been taking it out on everyone around her. Sort of makes it tense at work. In addition to that I'm more than a bit bored lately with my job and I'm tired of working 5 days a week. I know. Lame things to complain about but I miss my 12 hour shifts and having 3-4 days a week off. But it's work and at least I do have a job. In addition to all of the tension at work I've been feeling more than a little bit down lately. The only reason I can come up with for that is the change of seasons. I've had problems with Seasonal Affective Disorder in the past and it's getting dark much earlier now. By the time I get home and changed and head out to take Sadie for a walk it's already getting dark. Then to avoid the down feeling I read. Up side is that I really like reading and have been reading some really good books. Down side is that not a lot else gets done.

I still have a rash all over my arms. Todays visit with the Rheumatologist has a possible diagnosis of a type of psoriasis which goes with the diagnosis he gave me last year of psoriatic arthritis. It also does sort of explain the rashes that I've had off and on for like the last 20 years. That usually appear during times of stress. Like for IVF cycles. Possibly the rashes I kept getting while cycling weren't an allergic reaction but a form of psoriasis.

For the most part none of this is as bad as it probably sounds here. I'm doing ok. Sadie is doing great and the cats are too. We're all fine but my head is perpetually busy. Sort of tiring really. Good news is that at 22 weeks post op I am down 85.5 pounds and feeling great. At my doctors appointment today my BP was 121/74. So I really am doing pretty good. It's all a matter of perspective.

Unplugged

Or I was. I ended up getting almost all of my move done on Saturday. Except of course the internet. That didn't happen until today. So I've been pretty much without much of an internet connection since Friday. Now I'm all hooked back up again thank goodness. I got everything moved but I'm so far from being unpacked it's not even funny. This weekend I have to go work on cleaning the old place. Oh goody. There's not a whole lot going on here. Work is a bit busier and I'm running back and forth a lot between 2 apartments etc. Today was a hard day at work. One of my co-workers sister had surgery yesterday and had complications over night. Today they took her to surgery again but she passed away. I think we all took it sort of hard because we're so close in our unit. It also makes you want to remember to tell all your loved ones you love them. It also reminds me anyways that even the most minor procedures have risks.

Tonight I'm thinking of L and her whole family, hoping that they are able to find some peace. I'm also so thankful for the blessings I have.

Fall's Coming!

Yay!! It's actually a bit chilly here. When I got up at the ass crack of dawn this morning to go for a walk with Sadie and my neighbor I had to put on long pants and a sweatshirt. The sweatshirt is also now HUGE on me and I swim in it but it's the only coat like thing I have right now so it will have to do. And to think that not that long ago it was almost too small. I think maybe I need to go to Disneyland to get a new one.

I'm getting to that point of not having many clothes again. Which is a bummer if you have no money to shop. Oh well. Eventually. I did buy a new pair of jeans (for less than $10) a few weeks ago that should fit me most of the fall/jean wearing season.

I've been going a bit nuts lately trying to figure out where my social security card is. I am sure I put it somewhere safe but hate when I manage to put something in such a safe place that I can't find it again. So I probably need to go to the SS office sometime very soon and request a new card. I figure my chances of that showing up before I go to court at the end of the month are slim. Dang.

Two walks in today and the evening walk was even froggy free. Yes Bleu I got your message and I will try to keep Sadie from biting the frogs. Problem is that the little things are freaking everywhere around here. I'm sort of hoping they are less plentiful at the new apartment.

Today was such a slow day at work which drives me a little bit crazy. I hate trying to find work to keep me busy and I can't afford to take off and leave early. I did though have a bit of a giddy afternoon though thanks to high lights at lunch. I ran into the cute guy (the one I had lunch with a few weeks ago) at work in the cafeteria and he came up and gave me a big hug. I had to really fight to not become a stumbling stuttering goofball at that point. Just think if I get that giddy over a hug from some cute guy or another cute guy coming up to my office just to see me and say hi and how good I look (that happened yesterday), if I ever actually get to have sex again I might spontaneously combust just from the excitement and anticipation. Yes I am aware that this is possibly a bit sad but I'm excited over little things. I can admit it. I also ran into the friend of the nurse I used to work with who was so fucking horrible to me (and everyone else). He was telling me how great I looked and all I could think was yeah, go tell her. Petty but I can admit to being petty from time to time too. She was a bitter old bitch who wanted everyone around her to be as miserable as she was.

Otherwise it's been a mostly good week. It seems to be going slow for a short week but it's over after tomorrow which is good. Yay for weekends. And not having to get up before 6 in the morning.

Walks and Laughs

So our daily walks are fun. Me and my friend walk together and she takes one of her dogs and I take Sadie. Sadie usually tries to just ignore her dogs and mostly succeeds. We get lots of laughing in and last night was no exception. Usually at night Sadie is hunting for frogs. I have no idea why she keeps doing this but she keeps doing it. I think it's because they move. She see one and try to grab it with her mouth by biting it. I'm not positive (never bit a frog) but I'm guessing they don't taste that great because she will spit it back out and sputter a bit. Then within a few minutes she is foaming at the mouth and drooling profusely. I try to keep her from doing it but she seems to find them daily. So last night while walking to try and save the froggies I was doing our little where's the kitty game. If I ask her where the kitty is she'll start looking for it even if there is no kitty anywhere near by. So I asked her "Sadie, where's the kitty?" and she immediately bounded into the bushes looking for a kitty. A couple seconds later a kitty shoots straight up in the air out of the bushes. Ooops. It was so freaking funny because she was so excited to have finally found a kitty and we were so surprised because we didn't know there was actually one there. I wouldn't have let her chase it or scare it if I had known it was there. We almost fell over laughing though over her excitement and the look we got from the cat. Funny thing is that when I'm home and I ask Sadie where the kitty is she will run right past the cats never bothering them to look for the kitty.

I have to say that one of the best things about my furbabies is that they make me laugh every day.

Dreams

I hate having the alarm clock wake me up in the middle of a dream. If it's a good (or great) dream I don't get to see the ending (yes dreams are often like movies in my head) and if it's a bad dream it wakes me up with a yucky feeling that can just linger. This morning (which happened at the ass crack of dawn!) it was in the middle of a yucky dream and it still feels a bit like that feeling is lingering. My dream was about the old religion I was raised with and standing up to my mom that I didn't like it and didn't want to do it. In the dream I was younger and dependant on my mom but old enough to be independent and I had finished nursing school I think. Yet I was going to church with my mom and she was making plans for after church to spend the rest of the day going door to door (preaching, I HATED this when I was younger) and I finally stood up and said "No, I don't want to do that." In the dream she kicked me out of her house quite publicly. In real life I was well into adulthood before I ever finally stood up to her and didn't live with her anymore so she couldn't kick me out of her house but lets face she has pretty effectively kicked me out of her life. Every so often I have similar dreams about her, being abandoned by her and her involvement in her religion and it still just leaves me feeling so alone.

Outside of that yuckiness I woke up to this morning I had a nice 3 day weekend. I got most of my packing for my move done and am now tripping over boxes. I've been sewing on some more blankets and I may have even found a local craft fair that I can participate in. That would be really nice. I've been out twice a day walking (with Sadie) which has been good too. I will say that having her back has really improved how much I exercise. My summer exercise plan hasn't been great as it's been so hot but having Sadie here means that hot or not, I'm still going for a walk twice a day. She doesn't care if it's hot, she just wants to go outside and sniff stuff and possibly chew on a frog or two. Which is really gross. Every night we come back in with her foaming at the mouth and drooling profusely from biting frogs. Poor frogs. This morning I actually got up at 6am to go walk with my neighbor. At first we weren't taking her dogs with us but we finally started giving it a try. The first time wasn't a success and Sadie still seems to be somewhat dog aggressive. She is fine with the cats but not so much around other dogs. However lately she's been ok with the neighbors dogs. She sort of just ignores them. Whatever works. It's going to suck us not being right next door anymore but they will be moving about a mile away from where I'm moving. We've become really good friends and I know we'll keep working to keep that friendship. We'll just have to go a little further.

Isn't It Friday Yet?

No? Damn.

Just Tuesday. I'm breaking out all over in a rash again. I've had it on my right forearm for about a month and a half but it's just stayed there until recently. I did show it to the dermatologist a few weeks ago and she said something about it maybe being a type of eczema. Now I'm getting it further up my arm, my other arm, behind my knees, and on my hands. It starts out as a single bump that almost looks like a blister and it itches like crazy then it becomes several bumps and so on. It's driving me nuts too. I hate being itcy.

I finally have the apartment thing nailed down. The place is very nice although there are aspects that make it a bit uncomfortable. The manager said she was fine with Sadie even though there is a 20 pound weight limit (Sadie currently weighs around 33 pounds which is much smaller than the 45 she weighed a year ago) but she also basically said that if the owners ever said anything about Sadie's size that she wouldn't stick up for me. I understand the concept of not losing her job for someone's dog but still, it makes me nervous. The problem is that if I walk away at this point I'm out like $600. I can't afford to lose that much money so for now I'll take the apartment and hope for the best. It doesn't have a patio that has an area for Sadie to go out and potty but then there is the fact that Sadie refuses to go out on a patio area and potty. I think it's something about it being her space. The other night I tried to get her to go out and go in our current little "yard" area. I told her to go potty and she walked around the yard and then tried to go back in. I stopped her and told her again to go potty and she did the same thing. I stopped her again to go potty and she walked out into the yard and did a little fake squat like she was going to go, stood back up again and gave me a look like "there, are you happy now?" and walked back in the house. So yes, it's much easier to just take her outside her fenced area for potty breaks. Why is it that I not only get sick animals but fussy ones? I also have a cat who is too much of a princess to dirty her feet in the litter box for anything other than poop. She is paper trained and pees on potty pads around the house as she won't use the litter box to pee. Fussy animals.

Nice Weekend

It was so beautiful here all weekend. I love it when the weather is nice and not too hot. I can't say I did much. I packed a few boxes and vacuumed all the cat hair up and then they of course proceeded to shed some more thanks to the nubby glove thing I brush them with. I did a little bit of sewing. I've got some new blankets going with some of the fabric I bought a while ago. Oh and I bathed Luna. She LOVED that. Yes I'm being sarcastic. I think she was pretty sure I was a total bitch for that although I didn't get quite the dirty looks I do when I try to clean her ears. She was all dirty though from laying in the dirt outside and then getting up and sitting on the furniture etc. At least she looks better now. Some good walks with Sadie too (who tried to eat a frog again last night) which has been good for both of us. Now I should be considering going back to bed as I have to get up early tomorrow to start another week. How the hell did it become almost September already?

I Love Saturdays!

Especially ones with beautiful gorgeous weather. After a week of hellish heat. Earlier this week we broke a record here in Fresno hitting 109 and I truly thought I was going to wilt. Today is much nicer at a current temp of 76 with clear sunny skies and I'm loving it. It's supposed to be really nice all weekend which is so nice.

It was a long week. Work was mostly busy which is good although we had one day that was so freaking slow I thought I was going to go completely freaking insane. I hate sitting around and trying to look busy. I do much better when I am in fact actually busy. We also met with our interim director who is filling in until a new manager is found. I really liked her. She was much better than the previous model who went on a firing spree and made everyone miserable. Too bad she won't be staying.

I noticed something of interest this afternoon. I have cleavage! In the past I've been large enough around that even with a fairly good bra the girls seem a bit seperate and therefore it never really looked much like I had much cleavage. That is changing and I finally look like I have cleavage. Which is really kind of fun even if the girls are definitely shrinking and sagging a bit. Granted I had to go buy some bras last weekend as the ones I bought right after surgery were too big. I am truly looking forward to eventually being able to buy something sexy from Vic*toria's Se*cret. I know, it's a bit superficial but there it is. Clothes in general are still a bit surreal. I will pull a pair of my scrub pants out of the closet in the morning and look at them thinking no way, those are way to small they'll never fit and yet they do. It's sort of a strange feeling. Fun, but strange.

I've gotten a couple of e-mails from the home Bailey went to. She is enjoying greatly her little furry buddies there that are all more than happy to play with her. That was good to hear. No one here ever wanted to play with her and I felt bad for her so at least now she has other animals to play with. I still miss her but realize that I made the choice I had to.

I've got the new apartment all lined up and will be able to start moving in in a couple of weeks. I really like the apartment and the manager and while it's not in the same complex as my friends they are only a mile away. Plus lots of places nearby for walks and bike rides. I'm looking forward to it quite a bit.

So that's my week. On a fun note here is a picture of the girls snuggling one evening. I had brought my laundry in and dumped it in a chair and of course they crawled in and got all cozy.

Still Here

I'm still here. My head is busy but having a hard time putting it all down. I ended up finding a home for Bailey and it sucks ASS. I miss my little Bailey Boo. I couldn't find another apartment (the current apartment doesn't even know I have 1 dog) that would let me have 3-4 pets and realistically there is no way I could hide a dog or the cats. Cats sit in the window and you have to walk dogs. I felt and still feel horrible about it. I'm not the type of person who views adopting an animal as a minor decision. As a matter of fact I've in the past been rather critical of those who adopt an animal and then dump it in the pound or whatever because of a change in circumstances. Maybe this is a lesson to teach me to be more understanding of others? I felt like it was a long term commitment to get a puppy but when I got Bailey I had no idea that Sadie would be coming back at any point in the near future and if I had known I wouldn't have gotten Bailey because I know that the expenses etc associated with pets is high and I know that it's hard when you rent. I feel a bit like a failure yet again. So that's what has been going on. I'm still here and just trying to hang on.

Yay For Friday!

It was a long week this week. And a tiring week. Having 2 dogs in the house feels a little bit like I think it would feel to have 2 little kids. It takes me a lot longer to get ready to leave, go to bed etc. Plus if I wake up an hour before my alarm I can usually easily go back to sleep. Not so much with the puppy. Once she see's me, it's like ok, time to get up. There is no quieting her down so that I can go back to sleep. Needless to say I've had a couple of really early mornings this week.

There have also been a lot of emotional ups and downs. I'm not really any closer to an answer as to my housing and an over abundance of pets issue. If I try to sneak them in it could go fine and no problem or it could end up being a big problem if I end up evicted. I've done some calling around and all the places I've talked to that advertise as being pet friendly also have a 2 pet limit. So, not sure exactly where that leaves me. I have a couple more ideas that are possibilities but I'm not sure they will pan out. I started looking at the idea of finding Bailey another home and then start having this images play through my mind of her in doggy jail and neglected and abandoned which just pretty much leaves me feeling sick.

My best friend let me know this morning that she's going to be a grandma soon. I'm so excited and happy for her and her daughter (really R if you're reading this I am) but yet I can't deny feeling a little sad for me. Here she's going to be a grandma and I still am not even a mom. Plus the old feeling of feeling like everyone can get pregnant but me. Again, I realize it's not entirely rational and it's not that I have bad feelings toward or about anyone. I'm just sad for me.

I have had good news stuff too this week. Sadie's lab stuff is all back finally and she is completely clear. Other than the UTI anyways. Healthy dog which is great. Now if we can avoid any seizures and emergency trips to the vet for a while it will be great. I've spent $600 this last week on vet bills. That was a whole lot of money that I really didn't have. And I've never heard from the person who had Sadie. In some ways I don't care if I ever do. In other ways I want so bad to hear an explanation and to know what happened. Reality is that knowing what happened likely won't make it any better but there is still a part of me that wants to know.

I had a highlight of the day today too. I went to C0stc0 so I could get some soy milk for my shakes and did a walk through of the clothes department. We did a walk through of the clothes department. I've noticed lately that my underwear is getting rather baggy. I've been avoiding buying new because I can still wear it fine and it's not like anyone but me really sees it but it's a bit saggy in the ass. So they had some regular size underwear and on a whim I grabbed a pack. I figured it probably wouldn't fit yet but will eventually. Well, eventually is here! I bought regular size panties!!!!! Not from a plus size store!!! After years of not being able to even consider clothes other than from a few specialty stores, it's such a nice feeling to be able to buy something in just any store I go into.

Hump Day

Things here are still moving mostly merrily along. Sadie seems to be getting better every day which is nice. She really does seem pretty much like the dog I had for years. Her hair is even growing in really quick. Thank goodness as she really doesn't look that good shaved. Urine culture showed that the antibiotics she's taking should work on the UTI as well as any potential Lyme disease. That's a plus. She is tolerating Bailey. Mostly she ignores Bailey as much as possible. Lately Bailey is getting a little braver and comes up to sniff her etc to which she does her little lip curl and growl that is a clear message to back off. Clear message however that Bailey still isn't getting and I worry that Sadie might attack her again.

I've gotten a few letters this week in the mail from the mortgage company for the house in Washington. It's sort of funny really. One of the letters actually said they were refusing my request for short sale because there was no offer. Really?? Cause there was an offer but you guys spent so much time dicking around that the buyers pulled their offer and found another place. Fine whatever. I give them the house back. Otherwise the bankruptcy stuff seems to be mostly moving along fine. The creditors seem to have quit calling me which is nice.

Work is work and it's not that bad really. Could be much worse and maybe even might be much worse. There is a rumor going around that we may soon be required to take call on nights in the hellish department I used to work in. Oh goody. At least one of my tormentors (or you could just call her the bitch from hell) has left the department. Needless to say though none of us are happy about that idea since it was never part of our employment.

I still haven't really started packing yet for the upcoming move. Then again I still am a bit anxious about the move. I know I've referred to this a little before and I appreciate the suggestions but I do really feel like I don't know what to do. The apartment I found is close (in the same complex) as a close friend of mine which is nice. I like the apartment and it's great. On the application I said I had one dog and one cat(cats are a bit easier to hide). I got approved and I paid my $500 deposit. Then Sadie came home. I'm guessing that they are going to say no way to my 2 dogs and a cat (forget 2 cats). So it's a matter of trying to sneak Bailey in. I'm guessing it's easier to sneak in the smaller of the 2 dogs. However I worry that if I were to get caught I could get evicted. Which would really cause a problem since it's already difficult to find a place to live since my credit looks like shit. Or they would insist I get rid of someone. Umm. Who? If I back out on this apartment now there is a very good possibility that I won't get my deposit back. Which I can't afford to lose at this point. Then of course there is the concept of expenses. Already 3 of my pets are high maintenance and expensive as they have serious health problems. Sadie with the epilepsy which I'm guessing I may have to start medicating again sometime soon. The cats with the heart problems. Hoping beyond hope that Bailey is healthy but I would be lying if I didn't feel a bit overwhelmed right now. Of course I have various friends who are helpfully trying to convey the message that I really need to find an alternate home for one of the dogs. The opinions differ on which dog but the opinions have been kindly voiced. I know that the people voicing the opinions mean well, I really do. I really didn't plan on any of this but here I am. Now what.

So Far The News Is Good

So my first day back at work was insanely busy. I have like 7 charts left to finish from today and am hoping tomorrow isn't so bad. It was nice though in that the day went by quickly.

Everyone did fine together last night which was good and today I had Bailey in her kennel when I left and Sadie free to roam the house and go out on the patio. Kitties could go out on the patio too but they can't escape and they love to just go out and lay in the sun or roll around in the dirt. Like all animals that are white like to do. Both of them are pretty much filthy. Down side of leaving the slider open enough for Sadie to go out is that I left the AC off too. I got home and it was 89 degrees inside. A bit better than the 94 or whatever it was outside at 7pm but not much.

News from the vet today is that the labs for Lyme disease and heart worm etc aren't back yet but most of the other labs look good. Sadie doesn't have any kidney problems or diabetes but she does have a really bad urinary tract infection. This will likely mean more antibiotics but I can do that as long as it waits till Thursday when I get paid. It should as they have to run a culture which takes 2-3 days to grow out whatever bacteria it's going to grow out. Hopefully I'll also be able to get some different flea medicine for everyone else then too. I applied the frontline like the 1st and inspite of that Bailey, Luna and Sara all appear to have fleas thanks to the massive infestation Sadie had. Sadie is the only one now without fleas. Oh and all the dead ticks have finally fallen off. I don't even want to think about where they landed in my house. Their dead. It doesn't matter.

So, the news is mostly good and everyone seems to be getting along fairly well. Sadie did snap at Bailey this evening when Bailey was trying to sniff at her but it was mostly just a go away and leave me alone snap and not the all come near my food and die move from last Friday. I think there is hope.

Back To Work

Vacation's over. So sad. Oh well. Today has been ok. Sadie seems to be more calm and mellow today and more like her old self. Still pretty much unconcerned with the cats which is good. They seem to remember her and are mostly unconcerned with her as well. This evening I went and picked up Bailey from my friends house and brought her back here. I'm carefully supervising everyone and so far so good. Sadie seems curious about Bailey, Bailey is understandably frightened of Sadie. I keep reminding Sadie that Bailey is a friend and not a scooby snack. Right now they are both crashed out on either side of my desk chair. Tomorrow when I go to work I will try to figure out how divide the apartment up so everyone is safe while I'm gone.

In the meantime I'm still trying to figure out how I will manage the move with 2 dogs. Since I had already told the manager of the apartment I'm planning on that it was a dog and a cat. When reality is now two dogs and two cats. I guess we'll see what happens.

One Of The Most Pathetic Sights Ever

Poor Sadie. Poor Bailey and me too but poor Sadie. My heart just breaks for her. Yesterday I had bathed her and when I did I noticed that she was covered in fleas and ticks. I thought about shaving her as I knew I would never find all the ticks but I was worried about her not dealing with the shaving concept well. A friend graciously offered to loan me the money to take her to the groomer and they shampooed her and shaved her for me. Now of course I can see all the sore itchy spots of which there are many but the ticks are dead and mostly gone. Poor baby looks pathetic though.

This morning I took her to the vet for a check up and that of course cost me an arm and a leg. I'm hoping that most of the labs etc come out ok and that the medicine I got helps. Thankfully they gave something for itching and she already seems to be more comfortable. I think I may be living on protein shakes for the next few weeks as I may be completely broke after the vet bills. Bailey is staying with my friend for the weekend at least. She did have a little laceration in her mouth and last night her lip was a little swollen. She also was really scared of Sadie. Sadie so far seems unbothered by the cats thankfully. Hopefully that will continue.

About 10pm last night I realized I hadn't eaten at all yesterday (I did have 2 protein shakes during the day) and I finally had some peanut butter on toast. This morning I'm down like 5 pounds since Wednesday. Not exactly the weight loss plan I want to use and I know I need to eat healthy foods as well as my shakes. The funny thing is that in all my stress yesterday the thing I seemed to crave the most was soda. I wanted a diet pepsi or Dr. Pepper so dang bad. No I didn't have one though.

So that's where everything is right now. Still up in the air a bit as far as what might be going on with Sadie. I just want to try and relax and pamper Sadie a bit over the weekend.

I find it very ironic that at the bottom of my blog, like less than 2 weeks ago, I had posted that I missed Sadie but knew she was better off where she was. If I had only known.

She's Home

Sadie is home. It took way more effort to get her this morning than I thought it would. It cost me $100 to get her out and my checking account didn't have that much in it. I ended up coming home and returning a play yard thing I had bought for Bailey so that I had enough money to get her out of doggy jail. She was filthy and stinky and and scrawny so it looks like she was likely out on her own for a while. She didn't seem to recognize me either but was more than willing to come with me and get the hell out of there. Once we got home I noticed some swelling in her legs that is alarming and after bathing her I think I found the reason for it. Just on her head she has 3 ticks that are all nice and buried. Based on the ones I saw I'm guessing there are likely more that I can't see and so I'm going to shave her. She is also completely flea infested and I've found at least 3 sores on her legs. I'm thinking that with the ticks and the swelling there is a pretty fair chance that she may have lyme disease. In addition to all of this I'm sure she's been hungry. When I got her home and put some food down for her Bailey came over to smell it and she attacked Bailey. Bailey seems mostly uninjured other that some sort of laceration to her mouth and she was screaming, scared the hell out of me and the cats etc. A friend of mine is coming over to take Bailey to her house for a few days. I'm worried about the cats. I'm scared and struggling with the fact that Sadie may not be the dog who left me a year ago anymore not to mention what health problems she may have now. So I've cried a lot today, felt a lot of guilt today and am basically just having a really hard time. Hopefully though somehow things will all be ok.

A Friday I'm Not Looking Forward To

The one before I go back to work next week. Good thing I'm on vacation though. I stayed up way to late last night playing a new game and was woke up way to early this morning by wetness on my bed. Puppy decided she didn't want to jump of the big tall bed and so she just cruised down to the end of the bed and peed there. Yes, that is the end of puppy sleeping with me for a while. Back to the crate we go.

Then tonight I got a bit of a surprise and sort of a wrench thrown into everything. I was checking the messages on my one phone that I don't use very often and there was a message from Tuesday. I haven't been listening to them very much because the only people calling them are bill collectors and who wants to talk to them. So the message from Tuesday was different. It was the SPCA here saying they had a dog that when scanned the microchip comes up with my phone number. In other words they have Sadie. Of course by the time I got this message tonight they were closed. I haven't heard anything from the person who has Sadie that she was missing and I'm honestly sort of mad that she turned up missing and I wasn't notified. Especially since I had been trying to get in contact with her for a while. So not sure what tomorrow holds but the way things are looking right now I don't think Sadie will be going back there. I plan on being at the SPCA tomorrow morning to pick her up (if she hasn't been picked up already). Which leaves me with a bit of a problem as far as having more animals than I had planned. That's 2 dogs (and 2 cats) which is a lot for an apartment and especially since I'm in the process of getting ready to move. Not really sure what to do about that.

I do also have a question though for those face*book fans. How do you de-friend someone? Don't worry, unless you're an un-announced family member who has found my blog it's not you. I know I've done it before but can't figure out how to do it now and also if you un-friend someone do they get notice that they were un-friended? Do your posts just stop showing up? What happens. I'd rather avoid the whole confrontation route but there's a family member who I often feel so judged by and I'm just sort of done with it. I want to distance myself from her as much as possible and while I don't want to call her out publicly and say "I don't want to be your friend anymore" I do really want to distance myself more. Any thoughts anyone?