Still Waiting

So it's over, I know it's over. My body hasn't gotten the message yet. I'm still waiting to really start bleeding. I've had spotting, yes this is spotting even though some of it has been red. This is nothing like what I had 4 days before my beta which as far as I'm concerned was my period. Yes I'm still pissed about that. But just spotting so far. Minimal cramping that every once in a while will kick it up a notch and really hurt for about half an hour to an hour with maybe an increase in spotting which will eventually fall back to almost nothing. So tired of waiting. Oh and last night I felt nauseous for most of the night. Great, now the nausea is kicking in. Oh and then there is that shitty little thought process (I hope I'm not the only one who does this as I find myself thinking maybe I'm certifiably crazy) that runs through my mind every so often thinking, "what if they were wrong, what if my beta was ok and I'm killing my bean" Yup, I'm almost totally over the edge of sanity I think. I know that it was right but the whole waiting thing is doing things to my head. Lets just get this over with already.
As far as outward appearances I'm doing ok holding it together. I haven't cried in public in the last couple of days. Last Wed was actually the worst day for that while I was waiting for my results. Usually the sight of babies or pregnant women doesn't almost push me over the edge. Sometimes annoying but sometimes not an issue at all. It's only those I know who are pregnant that fill me with envy (yes I know how bitchy that sounds but again, I would not and have not ever wished anyone else to not be pregnant, I just want it too). Last week I couldn't handle it. I saw a newborn in the caffeteria at work, a woman in a wheelchair in the hall with a baby in a car seat, being discharged from the hospital. We did a tour of the hospital and I practically cried in the hospital chappel with 10 other coworkers present at the sight of all the origami cranes that were prayer wishes. We walked by the fucking nursery for God's sake. That just about did it too. I stayed as far away from that damn window as I could. I also tried to move as far away as possible from any pregnant woman sightings etc. Work helped keep my mind busy. By last night I was doing a bit better. I'm sort of now back to not falling apart at the sight of a pregnant woman. The last few weeks I've found myself able to and wanting to talk to God, to ask for calm and to beg for this to maybe happen. Now I don't know what to say. The only thing I can think of is I'm sorry I'm angry at you. I suppose that may be a start. Again, I find myself feeling like I wish I could have the faith that others seem to have. Right now I still feel like I'm being punished for something and like it's totally hopeless. That I am once again chasing the impossible dream that will never ever ever happen for me, that I don't deserve for some reason. I keep finding the thought "Get used to it, you are destined to be alone, no husband, no children, just your cats and dog" running through my head. It has seemed for so long like the things that I want the most are forever just beyond my reach. Now more than ever.