Very Quick Update

Ok, so quickly I'm going to try to see if I can post a pic and a blinky and do an update. I need to get in the shower soon or I'll be late for work. Candace asked for a pic of the baby outfits I bought so here is a pic of that. Also the blanket which feels like suede on one side and fussy soft on the other.

Yes, that worked, here are the outfits. Thanks Candace, I guess I got confused by the little "no" circle before when I tried this option.

Ok, so now lets see if I can get the blinky to work from Michelles instructions.

ok, so that looks like it worked too. That one was easier to move and boy do I need some of that.

Well, I called NW and postponed picking up my super spermies for another day. My CM is still MIA (completely) and I think that all my stress last week has delayed my ovulation date some. Goodie. My CBFM is still showing low, opk this afternoon was negative. So, I pick up super spermies on Thursday morning when I get off work and hopefully will be ready to use them by Friday. It's back to work tonight. I had nightmares about work today. I dreamed they made me take care of a baby with a pneumothorax (basically a collapsed lung) and a chest tube without anyone to help me. I was totally freaking out and getting ready to cry and told them I didn't think this was an appropriate assignment for me and they told me that I should be able to do this at this stage of my employment. Yikes. Ok, so lets hope this night goes ok and that my AUM got the message to all the other charge nurses to leave me in intermediate for a while. I have an interview next Monday at another hospital here in town doing presurgical assessment. Looking forward to that interview.

Oh, and I watched a really good movie last night. It's called Mozart and the Whale and it's about some Autistic/Aspergers adults and their lives. I don't think it was a very publicized movie, I had heard about it when I came back to Spokane for Thanksgiving in 2005 since it was filmed here in Spokane. I never did see it playing at the one and only theater in good ol Chico, California. It was really good though and as a bonus, you can get a small picture of this fabulous city I call home Spokane, Washington. Except the zoo scene. We don't have a zoo. ok so off to shower and work now.

Superstitious???

Ok, so here is my 5th try to writing this post. I guess the blog doesn't like it if I try to put a blinky into my post. It kept replicating it over and over and over. So those of you who have put blinkies in, will have to let me know how you did it.
Anyways. Has anyone else noticed that many of us TTC'ers are a bit superstitious?? Not that I'm complaining or criticizing. Nope, not at all. In fact, I'm jumping right into the game feet first. I guess I should start with the fact that a couple of weeks ago I had purchased a bottle of the newer johnson & johnson baby lotion that has an awesome scent to it. This was to use before I go to bed (I always put lotion on before bed as my skin is very dry) so that I would have sweet baby dreams. I know I've had a couple dreams of babies but I can't really remember what they were so at least they must not have been nightmares about the babies from work. So, today after going to Costco for new contacts (those of you who wear contacts probably know that crying with contacts really sucks and usually ruins the contacts), I headed off to Wally's world. I needed to purchase my super spermie transporter (aka styrofoam cooler) so that I would be ready to go on Wednesday (I still need to get the dry ice, I hope 7-10 pounds of dry ice isn't too big). While there, I wandered the store. My ex used to call it wandering the halls of walmart, he never understood the enticement of that. So, while there I ended up purchasing 2 very cute little sleeper outfits for a baby (unisex) and a cute pooh blanket. This I can have in sight while doing the AI for help with positive thinking/imagining the super spermies fertilizing the egg and then implanting. I also found a couple free magazines on baby stuff and spent some time looking at a baby names book. Speaking of baby names, it totally cracks me up that there are parents who have their babies and still need several days to decide on a name. Granted, in the cases I see the baby has usually arrived early but I'm not even pregnant yet and I have a boy and a girl name and a boy and girl back up plan also. I also got a little container of this stuff called flart that is like silly putty but (I guess it's supposed to make a sound like a fart) that I will use to put the vial of super spermies in while I'm trying to suck it up in the syringe. This is an idea from a post on NW board by friendamy and while it took me a while to go back and find it, I did find it. Thanks, it had some great advice. So, aside from the dry ice, I think I am all ready.
Sent off a couple of job applications today. Maybe one will work out. I sure hope so.
Well, sticky baby dust to all of you who are still waiting. I hope there are a bunch of BFP's soon.

Almost There

I have about 5 more days I figure until I AI. Yeah!!!!!! I'm very excited about that. I usually ovulate around CD 14 and it's CD 9 right now so about 5 days. I scheduled my pick up of my swimmers on the 31st but figure if something happens and I need them sooner all I have to do is call. I did go with the pick up. It would have been easier to just get the dewar (yes Candace, it was our bank NW that was requiring me to pay a 500 dollar deposit to use the dewar) but I don't have 500 dollars to give them so, it will be the ice chest and dry ice. On my next couple nights off that is my goal, to find where I get the dry ice so I will be ready to go. I also plan to do a practice run so to speak just so I can get the feel of the whole process before I go live. Lol. Oh my goodness how goofy this all can be sometimes. I just finished reading "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy. It was recommended as a real look at your body changes during pregnancy so I ran right out and got it. I really liked it. It was funny and realistic. And a bit scary but then I remember in nursing school when we were doing our OB rotation, thinking that basically the body went to hell in a handbasket during pregnancy. It will still be a kick although there are a few things I hope I don't experience such as the "mask" on your face (forget what it's called).
Well, work for 2 of my 3 nights was kind of horrible. Fussy babies in isolation for a contagious stuff so it required gown, gloves etc to go in the room and she wanted to be held all night and I was roasting in the gown and gloves. Fairly big med error which I cried about and the doctor felt so bad she hugged me and told me it was ok, the med I gave wouldn't hurt the baby and might even help. I also spent a fair amount of time crying otherwise just about everything. Yes, I know that this is likely mostly due to my being off my anti depressants. Everything that seemed bad before, seemed SOOO much worse the last few nights. Finally the last night my supervisor put me in the intermediate nursery (not so sick, fairly stable babies) and I was in a better frame of mind. I also had a good chat with my assistant nurse manager and told her how I had been feeling. She said they would back off on pushing me to take sicker babies for a while and asked me to keep her updated on everything. So, that's a relief. At least next week I will probably not be as stressed at work (the week I'm doing my AI) and that should help a lot. I also have several jobs I am going to apply for. It bugs me a little that I am choosing jobs based on how much it pays but such is life. I'm also hoping that after a few weeks of being off my anti depressants, my moods will even out some and not be so horribly down. And really hoping the weather will start turning nice SOON. I'm so sick of cold, dreary and gray. I actually slept pretty good today which is a first since I stopped taking my other med that helps me sleep which is good to. Being tired certainly doesn't help the situation. So, after a not so good week, I ended up feeling like somethings had definitely been "fixed" and I'm feeling better. I'm also getting excited about the whole AI process and the idea that this time next month, I could be pregnant.

Getting Closer

I'm getting closer to my first home AI. I'm also getting really nervous. I am trying not to think about it all to much so as not to let my mind get carried away with itself. I'm also trying very hard to find that delicate balance between having a positive outlook and believing this can happen to me (a part of me is still afraid it never will) and not being so hopeful that I'm totally devastated if it doesn't happen the first time. I've got about a week before I AI. Then I was looking at a calendar and it's basically not until the 16th of Feb that I will know or not if it even worked. Wow this is going to be a long next couple of weeks. I'm still nervous about my timing. I am nervous about getting my spermies. I checked into actually having them shipped to me. It's like 129.00 to have them sent 6 freaking miles. Or, I can give NW 500.00 cash plus the rental fee which I can't even remember and have the dewar for 2 days (don't you guys get like 7 if you live somewhere other than Spokane???). So, it looks as if I will be going with the Styrofoam cooler with a bunch of dry ice option. Part of me considered using all 3 vials I purchased in the one try. I finally decided against this option. I will use 2 vials and then have one left for a Dr assisted IUI if the home try doesn't work. Then there is my whole job issue. I have to work tomorrow night and I am absolutely dreading going to work. By the end of my week last week I was so stressed out I wanted to just sit down and cry. I had 3 high maintenance babies complete with high maintenance parents. While I understand fully that when you have an infant in that environment it is very stressful for the parents, I have a difficult time dealing with parents who seem to think it's my fault their 34 week infant isn't eating every feed on it's own. I suppose you could say that dealing with parents isn't my strong point. Part of the reason I work night shift. But I'm tired of night shift. And I just am feeling stronger and stronger that this isn't what I want to do. I think most of this feeling is directly related to the fact that my supervisors are pushing me to take care of sicker babies and I just don't want to do it. I don't want to do it because it freaks me out on so many levels. What if I do something wrong and hurt or even worse kill a baby. What if that turns out to be my baby. I see first hand all the horrible things that can happen. Then there is the whole idea that I know the schedule will not work for me being a single parent (where do you find daycare for 14 hours a day and how do you leave your kids that long) and so I feel like, why should I learn how to take care of these babies that I don't want to take care of anyways if I'm not going to be doing this more than another year, if I make it that long. I just don't know what to do until I find a job. Actually I do know what I would like to do but don't know if it would be a really bad career move. I am tempted to take a leave of absence or quit or whatever and go do some travel nursing for about 6 months. I'd make good money, it would be something different etc. I'm afraid though it would look really bad on a resume. I do know that I feel like it's very important to try to have a less stressful week next week though when I am AI'ing. I'm not sure how I'm going to pull that off though without telling everyone why. I guess I will wait and see. I know I need to QUIT stressing though since that will just throw my entire system out of whack which would be really bad. Funny how the one thing I need to avoid (stress) as it will affect the outcome is caused by the process.

Done Painting! Sort Of

For the most part I am done painting. Except for the touch up work which isn't my favorite part of the job. I spent an hour taping all the trim, between the wall and ceiling and the walls I wasn't painting and the stupid paint bled under the tape. It's $6.00 painters tape. It should work. But it didn't. So, I have to go fix all the places it didn't work and that now have blue paint where there should be white. I had taken down my yucky awful hated drapes before painting. Then once I got finished painting, I realized that I just couldn't stand to put them back up. It was bad enough when they were the ones that had been there when I moved in. Now though with a new paint job, they are even worse. So I ended up using part of the money I made on ebay (so much for using it all for bills) to buy faux wood blinds for my 2 windows. It will look really good when it's done though. Here's a picture of the yucky drapes. They almost look like a burlap fabric with green running through it.



And here's a picture of the 2 walls I painted. The dark color really changed how the room lights up which is different but I really like it.

The blinds won't be here for 2 weeks so I have to live with the drapes a little longer at least on the one window. The other window I don't want to hang the rod back up to hang the drapes so it has nothing over it. I guess I will have to be more careful about walking around my house without clothes on. Or scare the neighbors half to death.

I have had the worst headaches lately. It could be the caffiene, but I'm still drinking one can of pop a day so I don't think so. I don't know if it's because I'm weaning myself off my anti-depressants or what. The headaches are horrible though. The countdown is really on now. I have about 8-10 days till I AI. Oh my God. I need to call NW and let them know I will be using my swimmers (at least 2 of the 3 vials) this month and to see what it would cost to have them shipped to me. Even though I can go pick them up, it might be easier to have them send the swimmers and dewar to me rather than having to make mulitple trips up there next week and having to get dry ice etc. I also got the long profile today from another NW user. Maybe I should have bought that prior to buying the swimmers. But, if you buy it first, then call back several days later, the swimmers for that donor may be gone. The only things that I found worrysome is that he had to see a speech therapist when he was younger and that the short profile said he drank alcoholic beverages in moderation and moderation equals an average of 10 alcoholic beverages a week. So what would heavy drinking entail?? Oh well, I have my swimmers and will be doing my AI soon. Now please God let it work.

Sunday Morning

Well, it's Sunday morning, I woke up to darn early again. Yuck. Oh well. I'm going to start moving furniture and taping my living room today and hopefully start painting. I think I picked out a great color. I hope I don't get it on the wall and hate it. I'll take pics when it's done and post them.
AF showed up bright and early yesterday so in spite of the cramps, I'm excited!!! It's now CD 2 for me and I should be AI'ing somewhere around CD 14-16. I'm so excited. I feel like I'm finally doing something to move my dream along. It's funny, ever since I decided I was going through with this, I've been eating better. I noticed the other day that I had lost a couple of pounds and so I weighed myself again yesterday and had gained 2 back. I was so mad, then went to the bathroom and realized "oh yeah, AF is here" which always makes me gain about 2 pounds or so. So, I should be back to my pre Christmas weight and have now succeeded in losing that same 10 pounds for the 4th time. So, even though I'm over weight and I realize that this could make me higher risk, it still is better to maintain my weight with healthy eating, than to keep up this yoyo dieting. My doctor did say that she was ok with my weight and there are large women who have healthy pregnancies. So, I'll just have to be more careful, watch myself, what I eat, and the things my body is telling me a little more than most women and I believe I can do this. Now if work doesn't make me a total basket case I'll be fine.
Ebay auctions did ok. I sold most of my stamp sets and a vase that if my mom ever figures out I sold, she'll probably kill me. However, since my mom is very unlikely to ever come visit me and basically seems to not be speaking to me at all again, I doubt she will ever find out I sold it. I still didn't make even half of what I had paid for the stamps but oh well.
Oh and I had lunch with a friend of mine yesterday who is thinking about TTC with her boyfriend (the good old fashioned way) in May. That would be kind of fun and exciting if we had babies at about the same time.
Well, off to get ready to paint. I hope it all goes well and I don't end up with something awful like blue carpet. Hope that didn't just jinx myself.

Going Crazy

Ok, so fertility friend is really making me nuts. It has now changed my ovulation twice in the last 2 days. Yesterday I entered my temp and it changed me from solid lines showing ovulation on CD 14 to dotted lines showing ovulation on CD 17. This freaks me out a little because I had stopped doing opks after I got my positive so I don't know how long they remained positive and CD 17 was the first day my CM had dried up completely. I still think I ovulated on CD 15 or 16. I guess I will see when AF arrives?? It seems like my luteal phase has been around 13 days so I guess I will look at when I start and count backwards. I'm just getting so nervous about starting now. Does everyone feel like this. I felt I had a fairly good handle on when I ovulated in months past. Even months I didn't temp very well I still felt pretty confident. I always knew about when I should get a positive opk based on CM. Now I'm worried that I'm not going to get my timing right and I'm not going to get pregnant and then if I don't, I'm going to be mad at myself for jumping the gun.
Well, one more night of work, thank goodness. I'm tired. Then I have at least one night off. I'm still waiting to here from the other job as to a schedule for upcoming weeks. One thing that's kind of interesting as far as my upcoming AI. So far I've told a lot of people of my plans to try to get pregnant. However as far as my plans to try so soon, I haven't told anyone. Not even my best friend. I guess I'm just nervous it won't work. Ok, gotta think positive though. It will work. I think.

So I never was very good at patience

Nope, never was very good at having patience and obviously this is still the case. I'm going to go ahead and give this a shot this month. If it doesn't work, I'm going to try to make myself wait until April for another try, just for the purpose of due dates. I'm due to ovulate on about the first of Feb which of course I work that night and the 2 nights prior to this which means it all should be interesting. I am planning on trying at home. I had originally planned to have Dr. do it as I am spending so much on sperm I want to have the best chance possible, but it's not like I'm wasting my money. People do it at home and get pregnant so it could happen to me too. I could have 1st timers luck. Oh God PLEASE let me have 1st timers luck. So, this gives me a little over 2 weeks to get my stuff together and do all the stuff I figured I had time to do later. I need to wean myself off of caffiene which hopefully shouldn't be too hard as I'm down to one can of pop a day. I also have to wean myself off of my antidepressants. I take one for depression and one to help me sleep but don't want to take either while I'm pregnant. Hopefully I'm close enough to spring that I won't have too bad of a mood crash once I'm not taking them. I won't start turning my second bedroom into a babies room until I am actually pregnant and a little ways along. Moving my desk out of this room will suck as the stupid thing is god awful heavy. I'll keep working on organizing and sorting though. Oh and I think next weekend, I'm going to paint my living room as I want it painted (or at least half of it, I'm doing 2 walls a dark blue) and can't be painting after I'm pregnant. So, I'm trying to keep positive, but yet not get my hopes up too much. Just think though, this time next month, I could be knocked up.

Do they have a Shopaholics Anonymous??

I don't know if there is a shopaholics anonymous, but if there is, I should maybe go. I come from a long line of shopaholics. My grandma never had much more than a pathway through her house literally, and she had so many "fancy" nic nacs, it was impossible to see them all. My mom was a little bit better, but only a little. Most of her house was pretty tidy with the exception of her desk and bedroom and closet. Or should I say closets. She had a huge walk in closet in the basement full of coats. I think I counted like 80 one time. She had another large walk in closet with casual shirts, a shelf full of sweaters, and more shoes than I could count. Then in her bedroom she had two portable closets, one for dressy blouses and one for her suits. Plus a dresser. Needless to say, her thing was clothes although she also was into nic nacs etc also. She used to have a home interior party like once a month. Oh, and then there were her jewelry boxes. You know, the upright stand alone variety. I think she had 3. Plus 2 or 3 on her dresser of the smaller ones. I think the people at QVC knew her by name. So this gives you an idea of where I get it. And I have started to realize lately that it is an issue and I'm working to be better. Lately I've been cleaning house and trying to make myself get rid of stuff. Like Beanie Babies. I had a huge rough tote full. Most of them I didn't even like all that well and they've been in a rough tote for several years now since they overtook any space I could display them in. Not a lot of resale value on them anymore either so off to the goodwill I guess. I have an entire miniature village of collectibles that the manufacture went out of business. I loved them, had to have them but I haven't displayed them for years as again, I have no space for it. Oh, and then there is my craft stuff which has brought on tonight's reflection. I have a very large quantity of rubber stamp sets. Many of which I purchased to make a specific card and have never used again. Or many of which I have never used period but I had an idea of what I wanted to make with the set. So, I'm trying to clear out my second bedroom which will become the babies room and have been working on going through my rubber stamps. I've been working on this for several weeks and the pile keeps getting bigger. Tonight I finally decided that I likely wouldn't use many of these sets and even though I like them, and it's almost painful to get rid of them (I grow attached to my stuff which is stupid), I don't use them and they are taking up space. Of all my excess stuff, this is the only thing that has a fairly good resale on ebay. Even so, I figure I have 47 stamp sets that I paid probably about $1000.00 for and I know I will never get that much out of them. I'll probably be lucky to get half. But that is more cash than I have now. And I will have more space. I don't know what I will do about the boxes of paper etc that I have. All of it will have to come out of this room and I have no idea where it will go. Yuck. I need to think of this the next time I go to buy something I don't need. I'm disappointed in myself.
On other topics, so far everyone is encouraging my impatience. And I'm wanting more and more to give it a try. Part of me doesn't want to have a december baby because of the birthday/christmas thing but part of me really wants to try now. So now I can't decide if I should give at home a try or go ahead and go to the Dr. I had planned on going to the Dr. for IUI. But I had planned on losing at least 40 pounds which I haven't. And I'm kind of embarrassed by that. My doctor was supportive and said that she wasn't overly worried about my weight but what if another doctor does the IUI? I guess I'm freaked out by the numbers. If you look at my weight or BMI you would think that I'm huge (maybe I am but I don't think so). While I know I am overweight and quite a bit more than I should be, I don't necessarily think that my BMI or ideal weight according to weight charts is completely reflective of me. I've always been fairly muscular and am big boned. I don't think that most people would guess me to weigh as much as I do and I don't think that I could get down to my "recommended weight" and still look healthy. However, I am still really self conscious of my weight the number and the appearance. And a little scared basically because of what I see at work every day, babies born way to early. I can't help thinking what if that's my baby because I'm too impatient to start TTC. Note though that even if I lost 40 pounds, I'd still be freaked about it. So, I have what 2-3 weeks to figure it out. AF is due Friday and I usually start to have a change in CM about CD9 with O at CD14-16. I think input would be good at this point. Anyone???
Oh, and it's still colder than a witches #@!% here but they are promising a heat wave tomorrow with a daily high of 16. yuck. I think I'm actually missing California.

Trying to restrain myself

Ok, so now that I have my spermies, I keep thinking "I could do it next month". I know I should wait since I have so many bills right now and really I haven't lost any weight, not even like 10 pounds, but I want to start so bad. Last night at work I had to float to the mother baby unit which wasn't bad. They had one of those pregnancy wheels there and I kept looking at it and thinking that if I started next month, my due date would be in November. Or if I started in March it would be very close to Christmas. I was afraid this would happen. Who knows if I will make it until April to start.
The charting thing is still goofy. Today I put my temp in and it showed an ovulation again. Whatever. You know, I never used to doubt when I ovulated this much before. I think I will keep temping just to see what happens but will look mainly to my CM and opks/fertility monitor to guide me. Now if I can just be patient.

No New Job

Well, I got a letter yesterday from the hospital I interviewed with that said thanks, but no thanks. I had thought that basically I hadn't made as good of an impression as I had hoped I would. Oh well, I wasn't entirely sure that I wanted the job anyways and this makes it easier to decide. I will keep looking sort of. What I would really like to do is to find a position with a schedule that would work well for me that is at the hospital I already work for. I really like working there. I liked it when I was a phlebotomist and I like it as a nurse. I think they try to treat their employees pretty well although there have been a few times in the past where they fell short of the goal. Overall though, I really believe that it's a great place to work. So, I just need to keep an eye open for a position that will work for me.
More charting woes. Yesterday fertility friend showed an ovulation day of CD 14, I had guessed CD 15 but ok. So today I entered my temp and it took away my ovulation thing saying that because of my temp, it could no longer show there was an ovulation. Maybe I should just stop temping. It's making me nuts!!!!
It is absolutely freezing here in Spokane. When I came home from work this morning my temp thing in my car said the temp was zero. Yuck. It can warm up any time now. It snowed the other day but now it's so cold the snow isn't nice and soft anymore. Well, time to get ready for work. I really don't want to go outside but I guess it isn't an option.

Mr. Catalog Man Has Been Ordered

Yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought my spermies today. Mr. Catalog man has been chosen and is waiting for me. Ok, so will this make it harder to wait until April??? I called this morning to order since I got my debit card for my flexible spending account yesterday. I wasn't sure how many I wanted to order, I thought about 4 but wow $800 sounds like so much, so I went with 3. The price on those little buggers has increased a bit. Of course my number 1 choice 3375 was totally sold out. My number 2 choice was available and I picked him, then realized that he was CMV positive and since I don't know my status, I had decided to avoid the CMV positive ones so I called right back (within about a minute) and changed my order. Granted the CMV thing could be nothing but if I can avoid chancing it, why chance it. Choices 3 and 4 had vials in quarantine but no projected date of release so I didn't pick those. I wouldn't have minded a donor in quarantine if they were potentially going to be released around March but with them not knowing when I didn't want them to be in quarantine in April and me have to change. So, on to donor number 5 who was available and ends up being the lucky number/donor. Although that donor number 5 reminds me of that movie "Where the Heart Is" where the girl gave birth in Walmart. She didn't like 5's. Well hopefully for me, 5 is my lucky number. My Mr. Catalog Man is donor number 280. He still has the small body build, fair complexion (like me) and blue eyes. He wouldn't like to meet legal aged child but I don't think that is a big issue for me. I will try to order the long profile later this week so I can see more info about him. Anyways, I am very excited to be moving closer yet to my date with Mr. Catalog Man and am hoping that it won't take more than 3 tries. Also trying not to get to nervous wondering if I will have problems getting pregnant or if it will be ok for me. I should call and ask my Dr. to order some lab stuff such as and LH or something. I wonder if my LH surge is high enough since I have only gotten the Answer opks to work, none of the others I've tried have worked. Ok, I know I need to quit stressing. At least fertility friend finally showed an ovulation I sort of believed. It was on CD 14 which was the same day I had a positive opk and a high on my CBFM (never got a peak this month) and good CM. I had thought maybe I ovulated on CD 15 but at least I know it is somewhere right in there. I have 3 more months to actually nail it down as to when I do ovulate. Now's its just a little bit more waiting.

Job Interview

I just got home from my job interview and I think it went well. I hope it went well. The position still sounds really interesting. It is working for an advanced care hospital which is a hospital where patients go who no longer need to be in a regular hospital setting but are still not well enough to go home or to a long term care facility. The have therapy services there, ventilator weaning and stuff like that. The position would be assessing patients in a hospital setting to see if they would qualify for this facility and working with doctors and other health care professionals to show what the hospital does. It's a new facility in the area and the only one that does this kind of thing in the area. So, there is some patient care or interaction I guess I should say. I still am not sure. We didn't discuss wages and realistically, I can't afford to take a pay cut at all. It's also a lot farther from my home. I currently drive 6 miles to work and this is 30. While I realize that to many 30 miles isn't that big of a deal, I still don't love it. I would also have to buy a whole new wardrobe basically as it's business attire of which I have none. The person who interviewed me said it would be a couple of weeks still before they make any further decisions so I won't know for a while yet. Another good thing is that the hours are great. It's basically Mon-Fri 8-5 which would be a lot better for daycare once I have a baby. Plus, not having to worry about working holidays would be nice once I have a baby. So, I wait some more.
Not much else is going on here. I am back to work tonight and have been up all day so I should be really good and tired tomorrow morning. I have managed to mostly get my house clean and Christmas stuff put away for another year. I still have never gotten a peak on my CBFM. Is it possible to have all of the signs (CM, opk, CBFM and temp) line up at the same time so that I am very clear on ok, I ovulated here? I guess that is what I'm looking for and so far, I haven't gotten that. Am I crazy to want that before I spend several hundred dollars on sperm and doctor assissted IUI?? Oh boy, if I'm this crazy now I think I may really be in trouble once I actually reach the actual IUI and following TWW.

January 5, 2007

Well, no I didn't go to the interview today. I got off work at 7:30 this morning and had hoped to go home and sleep for a couple of hours and then get up and go to the interview. The person I had set the interview up with had given me her phone number for "just in case". By 9 am I was still wide awake and knew that I would be lucky to get an hour of sleep which would almost be worse than no sleep. No sleep wasn't much of an option either. So, I called them and explained the situation, that I had been awake since yesterday afternoon and that while I hated to make a bad impression by canceling, I also hated to make a bad impression by being overly tired. She said she understood and we rescheduled for later in the afternoon on Monday. So, I will go Monday and hope I didn't totally destroy my chances. I still don't know what to think. It was pointed out to me that the position I have applied for may envolve even more of the "social aspects" of nursing in the capacity of trying to smooth over and keep people happy. I don't know how good I would be at that. I also have no idea of what the pay is. The hospital is actually in Post Falls, Idaho which is only about 20 miles away but Idaho usually has much lower wages than Washington does which would be a problem. I also am thinking about applying for a different position at the hospital I work at. I found out that if I did apply for a different position, they don't notify my nurse manager right away although I have also been told that even if she did know, she would be really supportive if I didn't feel that NICU was my passion. They have really been pushing me lately to take more difficult babies, last night I had to do an admit. Granted it went pretty well although it was pretty busy for a while but it still is stressful. The part I'm not sure about is whether I actually really don't love the job or if I have developed a bit of a mental block because I know the schedule of this job really wouldn't work well for me being a single mom and therefore I just don't feel like investing all this effort to learn something difficult that I likely won't stay with. I just can't see myself working 12-13 hours a day with a child and the fact that it is highly unlikely I would find daycare for those long of shifts. I also am feeling a little tired of being on nights but on days, there would be even more of dealing with parents etc. and stress galore.
On the charting front, things are just as frustrating as they were a couple of days ago. The day after my last post, I put in my CM and temp and the chart changed and showed I hadn't ovulated (duh, I knew that). Now it actually says it doesn't know what to think. Then my CBFM is still showing high and answer opks are showing a positive. Go figure. I'm glad I have a few more months of charting to figure this out. If I was AI'ing this month I would be a basket case by now.

Charting Confusion

Ok, so I am getting very confused with the whole BBT charting thing. After I read Taking Charge of your Fertility, I decided to keep up with the BBT as that would show if I was really ovulating and now it's just annoying me. Today fertility friend showed that I ovulated on cycle day 8 inspite of the fact that my CM is still dry and my CBFM was showing low. Today my CBFM showed high but still have dry CM. I hadn't started testing with opks yet as I usually wait for a change in my CM before I start doing the opks. So I guess maybe I will take a couple opks to work with me tonight and do them too. I do know that sometimes my blood pressure meds can affect my CM although it usually doesn't affect it so much that I have no CM change. Last month the monitor (old one) showed I went from low to peak in one day, at least this one is saying high. I wonder how long it will show high as I don't usually ovulate till around CD 13 or 14 and I'm still only CD 11. I am about ready though to give up on temping completely.
On other news I have another job interview on Friday. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. No, I'm not planning on working 3 jobs. Right now I work full time at a hospital here in Spokane in the NICU and while there are things I like about it, there are also things I really don't like. I have a very hard time dealing with the social aspects of the job. Stuff like sending beautiful babies home with parents who just don't get it. Or having someone who is an aquaintance/former friend, fire you from taking care of her babies because she doesn't think you are doing a good job. Then there is the fact that while I like caring for the stable babies without much going on with them, I really am not looking foward to caring for the more critical babies who are way sicker. That along with the fact that for a while I have realized that my schedule at the hospital won't work well with being a single mom. I can't imagine working nights with a baby/child nor do I see 12 hour shifts as being very workable since I would have 3 days a week when I wouldn't hardly see my child. That's been something that's been on my mind for a few months now but I haven't been able to decide if I wanted to look for something different now or wait until after a baby comes. However, there has been a job in the paper off and on for several weeks for a Clinical Liaison at a local facility that basically helps market the facility to other facilities in the area. The job sounds fascinating. I was really interested but actually waited quite a while before actually applying. So, I sent in an application on Sunday, they called today and want to interview me this week. At this point, I don't know what the wages etc are so it still may not work out but at least I have an interview. The only weird thing still is that the position isn't in patient care so I don't really know how I feel about that. So much to think about and decide. Well, it's time to get ready to go to work. Hope everyone is having a great New Year so far.