Leap Day

I haven't been trying at this potential motherhood thing for nearly as long as some of you. I still feel somewhat new to this although I've been here long enough to feel at times as if my whole life is going to hell in a hand basket. I've had two sort of pregnancies. Twice now I managed to turn that pregnancy test positive but both times I've had shitty numbers to back it up. In addition to this I've seen in the last year the loss of those who have become my friends and support in this crazy journey experience loss of their own which often brings me to tears also and makes me question my faith and God even more. I still don't know where I stand on the God/faith thing. I know some say this has made you believe more. I feel I have more questions. I do realize that just being a part of the infertility community, loss is a given. Every cycle that ends in a BFN is a loss. It seems lately that this loss seems especially traumatic but who knows. I've only been here for a bit over a year and maybe it's been the same throughout time. There is so much I don't understand. So much that seems unfair and while yes I know, no one ever said life would be fair it seems as if God or the universe or whatever could find a way for things to balance out better than it does. Things like babies ending up with those who truly want and would cherish them instead of the opposite. But no, there does not seem to be balance to the universe or in life. I don't know what else to say here. I hate that this path is so difficult. I am thankful for the friends I've found and the support I've gained and been able to provide to others. If I were at home I would maybe consider planting some sort of plant to maybe commemorate this journey. Something that I could look at years from now and say, "Yes this means something because of what I went through". Or maybe I'd just get a new tattoo, something small to say "yes, I've been here both after and before so many others."

Results

So yesterdays beta was 11. Down from 69 on Sunday. This is very good. Now if I could get rid of this feeling of pressure that is there and radiates up into my shoulder. Yuck. Well at least I have plenty of time to lay around and rest up.

Change is Needed

Ok so if you read this before and it seems a little different, don't freak out, it is. It was a sucky post and I've now also changed my blog a bit so here is an updated post, sort of. I feel like I need to change something. I really want to change how my blog looks. I've now changed the colors and would love to add some background picture (behind the text) of flowers of some sort. I need a springy look. However I suck at writing HTML (even though if I remember correctly from my classes I took it was a fairly simple code to imbed a pic) and I have no idea how to add a picture. I thought of a template but with all the templates you usually loose your blog roll list and I don't have the energy to copy it all somewhere and then rebuild it. So, for now I changed the color. If someone has ideas on how to add a pic or something let me know. I've also considered moving to wordpress wondering if some of the features were easier to work. Like pictures for instance. I forgot the whole, add picture to your post, have it show up at the beginning and stick there, being virtually unable to move it. It took me like an hour to post those 2 pics of my girls. Otherwise though I'm usually ok with blogger. So maybe I'll just stay put.
I do have a new internet connection thank goodness. Yippee. No more Veriz0n wireless and their stupid broadband card. I never could upload pics to my blog, watch the you tube videos or anything else with that connection. It would always boot me all the way off. So hopefully I will be able to get out and take some new pics and post some too.
Emotionally I've been struggling too. All the up and down with the IVF and then all the shit since has run me down a lot. To the point where I've started having some of the more irrational stuff running through my head that usually comes with my depression. I have in the past taken meds without feeling badly about it. I wouldn't feel guilty about treating diabetes or any other disease so why feel guilty about the depression. My RE wanted me off the anti-depressants for my IVF cycle. So I weaned myself off which is often the really hard part for me where I have a bit of a mood crash for a while. Because of that mood crash when weaning off and the fact that I'm not done trying to get pregnant I had wanted to avoid going back on my anti-depressants. When I was in the hospital on Sunday the doctor asked how my depression was doing and if I thought we should restart my meds. I told her my reasoning for not restarting and she pointed out that there were meds that could be taken with pregnancy and a happy momma is much better for the baby than an unhappy momma. Then she decided that maybe we should wait to avoid having symptoms/side effects of anti-depressants confuse what is already going on with my body. However at this time, I'm thinking it's more important to be able to hold myself together and this constant up and down isn't good either. One day I feel good, the next I'm a mess. So for now I know pr0zac and how I respond to it. And for now I need something. So today I took my pr0zac and tomorrow I'll take it again, and so on. And I'll worry about what I'm going to do when I get to the point of trying again which isn't going to be for a couple of months at the very least. Right now I'm just sad and homesick. Being in the hospital really brought home just how alone I am. They kept asking did I have anyone who could help me, drive me home, check on me, whatever. No. I don't. Not in SB at least. I would love more than anything to be able to go home for summer. It probably isn't going to happen but it's what I would like. I want to try again, whether it's injectibles with IUI or another IVF round, I want to try again and there is no way I could do IVF again at home which makes me feel like I need to hang out here in Cali for a while longer. I need to adjust some more. I can, I will, it's just taking me a bit to get used to.
I also tried an outing today. I needed groceries and then was hoping to go to the beach and go for a short walk. Well, I have groceries. The trip to the store wore me out so bad and left me so sore that I gave up on the beach idea and came home and took some pain medicine. Good thing I'm not working tomorrow night, I doubt I would make it through 12 hours.

Finally The RE Calls

After I called and left a message with the office staff that I had spent Sunday night in the hospital and had been told there was a 7 cm mass on the left side. Finally the doctor called. He wanted me to know that cysts were a common side effect of IVF and was hoping that I would avoid unnecessary surgeries. Whatever. He said that whenever I came back to Fresno I should set up an appointment with him. He acted of course like I was clueless as was my doctor here about IVF leading to cysts. I'm not, I knew that was a possibility. Nothing was said about the fact that I had mentioned cramping on the left side at least 3 weeks ago. Nothing was said about anything else. And I'm tired of it, and him. I just don't want to deal with him. Yes I feel I have gotten very poor care. I have been dismissed and had my concerns mostly ignored. That said, what he has done while less than great customer service is likely within the "Standard Of Care" which is what he has to follow. I had been warned to go to the ER if I had increased cramping/pain, fever etc. I had been warned prior to the procedure that there were potential complications. The fact that I am unhappy with my care isn't likely to change how he does business. I have to admit that even though I should voice my concerns (and still may in written form) and try to help others, I'm tired of dealing with this. I'm tired of fighting it. I am tired of dealing with this office. They owe me 285.00 as near as I can tell although they still have never sent me a copy of my financials for this year and I want that back and I'm done. I will still write a letter about how I felt I was treated but the idea of driving 5 hours back to Fresno to have this doctor tell me how he did everything he was supposed to is no longer appealing. It also will not change anything that has happened so far.
I'm feeling a bit better today but still having some discomfort. I slept a lot in the last 24 hours which was good. I'm off work until next week which while good for me physically, not so good for my pocketbook. That with a weekend trip coming up. I've already paid for the flight so I may as well go. I just may not have any spending money when I'm there and I may be hitching a ride to the hotel. Yes I'm being overly dramatic. I had wanted to board my cats while I was gone, we'll have to see how things look after Friday's paycheck. Thats the down side of being a traveler. When I'm off work I don't get paid. I have no idea how this affects my standing with the hospital but oh well. There really is no way I could have worked the last couple of days.
One thing I did forget in all the excitement. Yesterday was my girlies birthday. They are three years old and while sometimes they act like responsible adults, sometimes they still act like goofy kittens.

This is Sara worshiping the heater. You'd think it was cold in the house.

This one is Luna who decided that the warmest spot in the house was to crawl in my jeans that were laying on my bed.

And The Drama Continues

So Sunday morning at work about an hour before the end of shift, I started getting some more serious pain in my left lower abdomen. Started off as a major discomfort by the time I left, walking was somewhat difficult. My thoughts were "finally this would be almost over" but that the timing sucked a bit since I was supposed to work Sunday night also. By the time I went to bed at 9 am I was starting to feel as if something wasn't right. By noon I was sure. I had expected pain. I had expected pain like my period cramps but worse. This was pain, but it was pressure. Pressure like it hurt to move, pressure like when I had appendicitis. See and I do learn because the last time I had this pain (with appendicitis) it took me 10 hours to go to the ER. This time it only took me 5 hours. So at noon, I called work and left a message (couldn't get a person to speak to then or now) that I hadn't slept, was having a miscarriage and it was worse than I thought it would be but hopefully if I felt better by 11pm I would go to work then and that I would call them and let them know. So I grabbed my phone, my wallet and hobbled down the block and across the street to the smaller hospital ER that is very close to my apartment. They got me in fairly quickly and of course then I had to explain like 6 times why I knew I was having a miscarriage and what a chemical pregnancy was, what treatments I had done and when. Pee in a cup, lab draw and IV start. Finally they sent me off for an ultrasound where I had to explain it all to the U/S tech, twice. She kept asking when they had confirmed I had a uterine pregnancy. Um, I've explained to you twice now I haven't had an ultrasound since before egg retrieval so NEVER. Everyone seemed surprised that no one had ever confirmed it wasn't ectopic. The ultrasound itself was seriously painful since she did both abdominal and trans vaginal. At this point my abdomen was sensitive to pressure to above my belly button. Good news is that I got to dodge the pelvic exam since once they got the ultrasound back they had an idea what was going on. According to the ER doctor I have a 7 cm (yes folks cm, not mm) mass on the left side. They could not determine if this was my ovary, a cyst or an ectopic pregnancy. They were calling in an OB/Gyn and admitting me. Goody. So no work. I called the hospital again and left another message that I would not be in at all. They transferred me to a real bed in the ICU. Shit. Apparently they didn't have any other beds in the hospital for me? Needless to say though I was hooked up to all the bells and whistles. I think I was the only patient there for a while. Still in serious pain at this point but I had started getting the good drugs by then. Finally a little while later the OB/Gyn came in. Her thoughts were that while she couldn't totally rule out an ectopic she didn't think so because of the size and that there was no rupture yet or anything. My beta as of Sunday was 69. So going down which is good. She wanted to monitor my blood counts and would check on me in the morning. She also let me eat which since I was hungry was good but food still isn't sitting well with me. So I stayed the night and could not sleep. I hadn't slept since Saturday afternoon and I still couldn't sleep. I think I managed 2 hours around 3am. Good news is they were checking my BP hourly and it was pretty good all night long. So this morning Dr came back in and said that my blood counts were still good and that she didn't think surgery was necessary at this point. Of course if things get worse back to the hospital I go. She wants to see me later this week and to monitor betas every 48 hours this week at least. I will likely have another ultrasound next week to look at what she believes is a cyst. So I'm still a little in the dark but at least I have someone who wants to monitor me. And of course I have more questions. Back in January when I started bleeding before my beta I kept having cramping in my left lower ovary region. The tenderness never went away and I have continued to have twinges when I'm sitting up or driving. So I'm thinking this cyst thing has been there since at least then. And again if the Dr in Fresno had checked me out when I started bleeding, maybe they would have noticed this and I could have prevented being hospitalized.
I was discharged this morning about 10:30 and after going to get my pain pills I went to bed and slept 5 hours. I will likely be going back to bed soon as I'm feeling pretty out of it. It's good to be back in my bed again. I still have the pressure pain that sometimes goes up under my ribs but it is better than it had been. If it starts getting worse I will call the doctor again or go back to the ER. And I have an OB/Gyn at least for the SB area. I really liked her, she seemed very nice and like she is concerned about me. Also on her letterhead it says her areas of practice are OB/Gyn/Infertility. So maybe she can do some of the follow up stuff for me too.
Now I can hardly keep my eyes open. Oh, and I'm soooooooo sick of hearing about the fucking grammy's and who was pregnant.

Still Here and Still the Same

Yes, I'm still here. I worked the last 2 nights and I also had a computer training class for work on Wednesday morning. Yes I had to be to work at 8am till noon for a class, then back to work at 11pm to work overnight. Yuck.
I'm still about the same. My moods are up and down although it seems to be a bit more down. Part of me wants to start taking my pr0zac again but then I would have to wean off it again. And if I switched to Z0l0ft it would be about the same as I would like to at least try pregnancy without my happy pills. I still may have to but I'm trying to muddle through. I know that I'm down partially because I don't have any motivation to do anything. I hate the idea of work, the stress of learning a new hospitals charting, equipment, policies and procedures exhausts me. I have no desire to do it. Oh and the really crappy part, of all the people I find missing and or wanting sympathy from? My mom. My mom who hasn't been involved in my life in 9 years by her choice, who was not supportive of this choice at all, whom I haven't even spoke to in almost 3 years. But yes, I keep catching myself wanting my mom. Not that she was ever very good at being sympathetic to my depression, her response was always "Don't let it get you down". Whatever, by that point I was already down. Anyways I can't figure out why I am missing her now.
My face is incredibly broke out. The nausea lasted for about 4 days and now seems to be gone again. Still nothing much going on as far as bleeding goes. It's a steady very light flow with no cramps and no clots or heavy bleeding. I'm about ready to make a doctors appointment if I can get in just because this is driving me crazy but then I doubt that there is much more that can be done. It's just the waiting driving me nuts.
Well I have tonight off and then back to work tomorrow for 2 more nights. Oh and the Dr's office in Fresno called to cancel my appointment next week because the doctor won't be in the office. Whatever.
Oooh, look!! Spell check works again.

Merry Go Round

Round and round, up and down. So my life goes. I feel better today. Yesterday was horrible. I felt like I was totally coming apart and all I could do was sit helplessly and cry. Today I have only cried once. I still have a million things in my head. Many of them centering on the whole what next or now what theme.
Of course it isn't over yet. I'm still bleeding, a somewhat slow steady drizzle (sounds like a damn rain storm) but it's just blood. No clots, no pain really. Now I suppose I could be wrong since I wasn't very pregnant, only a bit over 5 weeks but somehow I'm thinking my body has more in store for me. I'm thinking there is more to it than this, changing of the tampon at most 3 times a day. Sorry for the TMI but there it is. Of course it couldn't have done the worst part on my days off for the week. That would be too easy.
I have my follow up appointment next week with the RE in Fresno. My goal with this of course is to hear what he has to say on what he thinks went wrong. I want to know if he addresses the bleeding that occurred mid cycle at all. And then to point out to him that maybe he needs to try a more personalized approach, that not all of his patients want to simply be told what to do and when to do it, I want to know why, how much numbers etc. Then to let them know I'll be finding another doctor. I also need a copy of what I've paid them this year since I'm pretty sure I've over paid them. I had called over a week ago and asked for this and still haven't gotten it. Then to decide what I want to do for a doctor. I figure I have several options here. I do want to get started on the acupuncture. I've been procrastinating this so far this week because I don't really have much available cash for this at this point, hopefully by next week. I also am considering joining an exercise class to try and at least improve my activity level and hopefully at the same time by blood pressure. Then to decide if I want to see if I can get hooked up with this doctor here, or go somewhere else for a doctor. If I hook up with a doctor here, I will feel committed to staying here through the summer rather than having to change doctors after one or two cycles. Not a bad thing staying here as I hate the heat and it should be fairly decent here during the summer. However the money I make here isn't as good as it would be elsewhere partially because of the cost of housing. If I decide to go somewhere else, I need to figure out where, based on where I can find a good RE. I do have a couple of possible ideas on where I could go next. However my agency from what I can tell is a smaller agency with not as many possible contracts. If I stayed here, I could stay with my agency which I do like but if I was to decide I am going to go somewhere else I need to decide for sure where I want to go and to let my recruiter know where I want to go early enough that he can start looking and be willing to go to another agency if I have to. One interesting thing though is that even though I don't want to jump right back into another IVF, I was thinking about it today and if it did come down to it, yes I would try IVF again. However it would take some saving to do. Which is where better money would come in.
This all leaves me with the result of I have no idea when I'm going home. Strangely I'm not hugely bothered by that. Although I am wishing the market didn't suck quite as bad as it did and I could sell my house at home. Right now paying a house payment and a rent payment while doable, is a bit annoying. I keep thinking what I could be doing with that money although I know that in the long run I'm building equity.
So in the mean time, one step at a time and quit trying to figure it all out at once. Yeah right.

Still Waiting

So it's over, I know it's over. My body hasn't gotten the message yet. I'm still waiting to really start bleeding. I've had spotting, yes this is spotting even though some of it has been red. This is nothing like what I had 4 days before my beta which as far as I'm concerned was my period. Yes I'm still pissed about that. But just spotting so far. Minimal cramping that every once in a while will kick it up a notch and really hurt for about half an hour to an hour with maybe an increase in spotting which will eventually fall back to almost nothing. So tired of waiting. Oh and last night I felt nauseous for most of the night. Great, now the nausea is kicking in. Oh and then there is that shitty little thought process (I hope I'm not the only one who does this as I find myself thinking maybe I'm certifiably crazy) that runs through my mind every so often thinking, "what if they were wrong, what if my beta was ok and I'm killing my bean" Yup, I'm almost totally over the edge of sanity I think. I know that it was right but the whole waiting thing is doing things to my head. Lets just get this over with already.
As far as outward appearances I'm doing ok holding it together. I haven't cried in public in the last couple of days. Last Wed was actually the worst day for that while I was waiting for my results. Usually the sight of babies or pregnant women doesn't almost push me over the edge. Sometimes annoying but sometimes not an issue at all. It's only those I know who are pregnant that fill me with envy (yes I know how bitchy that sounds but again, I would not and have not ever wished anyone else to not be pregnant, I just want it too). Last week I couldn't handle it. I saw a newborn in the caffeteria at work, a woman in a wheelchair in the hall with a baby in a car seat, being discharged from the hospital. We did a tour of the hospital and I practically cried in the hospital chappel with 10 other coworkers present at the sight of all the origami cranes that were prayer wishes. We walked by the fucking nursery for God's sake. That just about did it too. I stayed as far away from that damn window as I could. I also tried to move as far away as possible from any pregnant woman sightings etc. Work helped keep my mind busy. By last night I was doing a bit better. I'm sort of now back to not falling apart at the sight of a pregnant woman. The last few weeks I've found myself able to and wanting to talk to God, to ask for calm and to beg for this to maybe happen. Now I don't know what to say. The only thing I can think of is I'm sorry I'm angry at you. I suppose that may be a start. Again, I find myself feeling like I wish I could have the faith that others seem to have. Right now I still feel like I'm being punished for something and like it's totally hopeless. That I am once again chasing the impossible dream that will never ever ever happen for me, that I don't deserve for some reason. I keep finding the thought "Get used to it, you are destined to be alone, no husband, no children, just your cats and dog" running through my head. It has seemed for so long like the things that I want the most are forever just beyond my reach. Now more than ever.

Nothing Like Work to Take Your Mind Off Your Troubles

I'm still doing ok. Maybe even a little better. There has been a bit less crying. A bit more looking towards the future because even though I feel the need to give my body time to heal and my heart, I am not ready to give up yet. I've started to bleed a little more. It's very slow in coming which is frustrating. If it's going to happen the sooner it's over the better. Still this sucks so bad. Some cramping but nothing very major. At last I can take Advil again if only for a short while.
It did help being at work last night. It helped me to not sit all night thinking about everything happening. It helped having the frustration with someone else take my mind of my problems. So excuse my mini vent a moment here. So I was orienting last night and tonight. Where I work with another nurse to get used to the basic hospital routine and to make sure I'm not a dummy. On my first night I usually spend at least the first part of the night observing a bit because I'm not familiar with the paper work, charting etc however if the nurse I'm with wants to give me part of the patients or whatever I will do all their care for the shift. So this nurse showed me how she got started with her night, checking all her labs, her orders etc. Good things all. I would go about it a bit differently but ok. Not a big deal. We had a couple of mini crisis things happen and then had an admit. All still good. It was taking her a good deal longer to get back to a patient whom she said she would be right back but we all have our priorities and different way of doing things. It's all still good. While getting people into bed I did notice her asking a question here or there about their condition. Once I saw her assess a pulse below a surgical site. She did check the dressing on the fresh post-op. She asked one patient if she was passing gas. So I'm still sort of waiting for her to actually assess her patients. To do an actual or even partial head to toe assessment. Since we have a patient with pneumonia whom we haven't checked lung sounds on and the above mentioned patient with the lack of gas we haven't check to see if she has bowel sounds (things moving in her abd, gurgling or whatever). So then finally about 11pm, she goes in to a computer and starts to do her charting. Without having ever once gotten out a stethescope and listening to a patient. Then she asks me to do the charting on one of the patients. And I refused since I hadn't actually assessed any of the patients. She seemed annoyed by this, stated that I needed to know how to do the actual charting that this was part of my orientation. At which time I pointed out that I couldn't chart something I hadn't actually done, for instance I couldn't chart lung sounds when I hadn't checked them. Then she starts back peddaling quickly. Starts telling me how she was assessing her patients as she went and that she had assessed her patients etc. I finally agreed to chart on one of the patients and went to wake the patient to actually do an assessment. The rest of the night went fine between me and other nurse. She was nice. She is a fairly new nurse. I know that we all have our days where things just don't click and I know there have been times when I should have been more careful about my assessment or whatever but still. I was totally blown away by this whole experience. It made me seriously uncomfortable. If a patient had coded what would she have been able to tell them about the patients condition. Tonight I should be with someone else which is a good thing. I'm not one who wants to "get someone in trouble" and this may not be her norm. Although if you are going to have someone working with you, wouldn't you be on your best behavior? I hate to go tattle but she literally scared me. Oh and she was also giving IM injections with a needle that was short enough that essentially she was giving them sub Q. Not the end of the world with this med, the patient got the effects but still, not the way of normally doing things. So that is my vent that made it easier to ignore what my body is up to. And if you didn't understand any of this you can feel free to just ignore it all. Sorry but I have had no one to talk to about this and it made me nuts all night long.

Holding it Together

Thank you everyone for all your kind words and thoughts and prayers. I'm ok. Sort of. I'm frequently teary and in some ways feel needy and lonely and yet also want very much to just crawl into bed and not talk to anyone. I feel like I just want to hide and not deal with it all right now. I find myself not wanting to explain this to everyone IRL over and over again so I haven't called much of anyone yet.
So far not much other than some spotting. I've had some cramping which felt rather intense but even that seems to have stopped. I'm a little concerned about having it all start at work tonight or tomorrow but suppose I will survive even that if I have to. Work in itself should be good as a distraction. I work tonight and tomorrow and then have 3 nights off. Then next week I'm going to start looking in to finding a new doctor and an acupuncturist. I want to be more proactive this time and I want a doctor who will listen to my concerns and not just blow them off. I want a doctor who will include me in my treatment. It always surprised me with the doctor in Fresno how they never told me anything unless I actually asked. Never even told me how many follicles etc I had after a scan unless I asked. I suppose maybe they get patients who just follow instructions but after spending so much time in blogland and getting to know other IF bloggers it is suprising because so many of us seem like we have went to great lengths to educate ourselves. I want a doctor who respects the fact that I'm a nurse and know what is happening with my body.

Beta Hell is Over **Updated***

Beta is still not rising appropriately. I was told I could stop the progesterone and let it go. I didn't actually catch the actual number but I heard her say they wanted it to be at least 1000 and it's not there. Granted this left me thinking after the fact that at a last beta of 52, even if it was doubling every 48 hours it would still be less than 1000. I suppose that means that I will call back tomorrow to at least ask what the actual number was and since I still need to schedule my post appointment which I want to do if only to voice my frustration at feeling totally dismissed with the whole bleeding episode I will ask then. She said something about bleeding, some euphemistic term about how there would be blood. I don't even remember what the term was but I remember literally cringing at it and wanting desperately to get off the phone NOW so I could finish my last half hour of work and go home. This was after waiting all day. I went to work this morning thinking I didn't want my results. I didn't want to know what they were and have to sit through work. By lunch time though I could tell I was getting more anxious and stressed. By 3:30 I was calling the doctors office, calling the lab etc. Trying to get answers. Finally at 5pm they called back. By then I was unable to process pretty much anything they discussed at work. Now I'm off until Friday night thank goodness since I doubt I could handle more now. I feel mostly numb but yet on the verge of falling apart again. Trying very hard not to feel as if I'm being punished by God. And wondering, now what?
I called the doctors office this morning asking for the actual beta number for my records and piece of mind. Beta yesterday was 125. Since 7 days ago it was 52 this is no where near doubling. Thank you again everyone for your support and everything. Now I think I'll go back to bed.

The Day Before

So beta is tomorrow. I'm still just trying really hard not to think about it at all beyond just having my lab drawn. A bit concerned about the timing as I'm supposed to have this done in the AM and the lab opens at 7:30 and I'm supposed to be at work by 8am. I may end up having to wait until the afternoon for my draw which means I won't have results before Thursday. Yes so far I have been feeling better emotionally. Part of it is the nice weather. It has been really nice here. No fog, no clouds. Sunny and 70 every day. Part of it is that I think I am compartmentalizing some. I'm just not thinking or dealing with what may happen. This means that I don't know how I'm going to react if the news I get isn't good even though I feel like I have prepared myself for the possibility or probability of bad news but who knows. I am thankful for all of you who are being optimistic for me as I'm not doing as well at being optimistic. I know that there are those who have had a pregnancy start this way and had it be fine but I have also seen those of you who have had a pregnancy start this way and had it not last. Right now I just keep praying and asking for calmness and the ability to deal with whatever happens and reminding God that I do really want this little bean to stick if at all possible. It helps some and I'm trying to just ignore (it's getting easier sometimes) the thought that God would never listen to me. It has helped keeping busy and focusing on all the moving stuff and new job stuff. Orientation today was a full 8 hours but it wasn't too bad with the exception of the documentation system that we could only watch not use as it wasn't working right. Sorry, that won't help me much in the long run. Luckily I'm pretty good at figuring stuff out so I may just be able to figure it out on my own. I don't have a schedule yet but should by tomorrow. Yesterday I found the beach here in G0leta. It wasn't nearly as nice as Pism0 but hey, it's the ocean and I found shells. Mostly clam shells but some were really large. So now I'm going to go check in on blogs and then maybe read a bit before bed.

Manic Monday

Actually it wasn't too bad. Today's portion of the orientation lasted 2 hours. I had to go fill out some paperwork and then go do another urine drug screen (I did one last week) and then get my name badge and parking pass and I was done. I met several other travelers who all seemed really nice. We exchanged numbers and hopefully will get together occasionally. There were two ladies who were friends and they travel together which seems like it would be fun. They both will be working float pool with me so I'm sure I will see them around. I slept great last night, even after my 2+ hour nap. I was in bed by 9pm and it only took about half an hour to fall asleep and I slept straight through until 6am this morning. Now I could nap some more. I think the PIO is kicking in. Other than that, nothing. No signs or symptoms that anything at all is going on. The shots are going ok. They always seem to hurt more in the right leg than the left but they are fine. I have to admit though to feeling really confused and irritated. I stopped in to someone elses blog today from lost and found and she had mentioned having hormone levels checked and other meds etc. So now I know it would be a bit different if it was an FET but if we are talking about an IVF fresh cycle how many others of you had hormone levels such as E2 and Pr0gester0ne checked during the TWW, after the TWW etc. Also, for a fresh IVF cycle, anyone do other meds than just the pr0gester0ne supplements in whatever form and what was the reasoning? My doctors office as I've said before didn't want to test anything which frustrated me immensely. They didn't even want to look at anything that might show why I bled for 3.5 days. Also I've read a bit on the Crin0ne and the discharge stuff but did anyone have much as far as thoughts on this? Interestingly my rash that was getting so freaking bad, GONE! I still get a little itchy at night but no where near as bad as when I was using the Crin0ne and BCP's where scratching was near orgasmic and the rash was very visible everywhere. My rash is literally gone from almost all areas where it had been. So, could a bad reaction to the pr0gester0ne I was taking cause problems with levels etc leading to the bleeding I had?? This is annoying me more than ever now. So any input would be interesting at this point. Now I think I will go explore a bit and see what I can find. Oh, I did find a Bed*bath*and*beyond which is nice. I need new sheets but should pay my bills first. Now I wonder if there is a barnes*and*n0ble. And when is the freaking spell check going to start working again?!?!

Settled Sort of And A Meme

Well, I am sort of settled in here. The movers showed up this morning and unloaded my trailer. Of course they had said they would be here between 10 and 11 and they showed up at 10:55. Then I paid $130 for a job that took them 20 minutes. They had an hourly rate and a minimum of 2 hours, granted I paid for one guy and got 2 which was nice but that was good money for them. I need to plan better and find a student or something when I leave here. I slept horribly last night. I couldn't fall asleep which I have been having a problem with lately. My brain would not shut off and I kept thinking of someone stealing my trailer or car and trailer etc. Then a couple times I was just drifting off to sleep and one of the damn cats (Luna I think) would jump into the kitchen window or down from the window and wake me up again. New sounds. So it was at least midnight. I was awake at 4 dreaming that for sure I heard someone driving down the driveway with my trailer. So up I get and go out with keys and phone in hand and dammit, if they did I'm chasing after them. All was still right where I left it and no problems. I went back to bed and managed to sleep until 8. Needless to say I was tired. And hungry. I had ordered pizza last night from d0minos which I don't care for but I didn't want to drive anywhere to get food with the trailer attached to the car and then have to deal with the parking again when I got back. So I only ate one piece last night (and all the cheesy bread) for dinner and then right before bed I ate one more piece (I even ate it cold since my microwave was still in the trailer and I hate cold pizza). This morning I couldn't stand the idea of more cold pizza and I had a few chips but really didn't eat. After the movers left I took the trailer back and then went to find a store to pick up a few things like an unused shower curtain. Turns out SB is much too good for stores like Wal*mart and Tar*get. The closest one is 25 miles away in Ven*tura. The only thing in the area is a kameapart and C0stc0 (thank goodness). I hate Kameapart. Their prices suck, nothing is in the right place and so nothing rings up right. I had at least 4 items ring up at a higher price then what the label said on the shelf. So, I may have found a cure for my shopping since I'm not going to be doing the 25 mile drive on a daily basis to go to Tar*get. By the time I left the store I was starving, had a horrible headache and just couldn't function any more. I stopped at su*bway and got a sandwich and came home and ate and fell asleep. I slept for like 2.5 hours and it was all I could do to wake up then. I hope I can sleep tonight. I am sort of partially unpacked. I'm totally out of space in my kitchen which is driving me nuts. My knees are still just killing me from all that up and down stairs stuff. Hope it gets better soon.
To answer everyones question, yes I start work tomorrow. But I have to do all the hospital orientation stuff so I will be working days for at least the next 2 days. I'm not sure but tomorrow might be a short day and then Tuesday is all day. Not sure when I actually go to nights and a regular schedule.
Now I had thought that I had managed to miss this one but noticed last night that I had been tagged so I will do that in a minute. Which reminds me, someone a couple weeks ago also posted on their blog one of the award things that I never noted on my blog. I can't even remember who. I'm sorry, it's not that I wasn't honored, just forgetful and I've had so much going on. I still have a post for Jenna over at Epiblog too about the 0prah show she was on. So, all that said, here is the meme
I was tagged by Kenya for the 6 things me:
1) Link to the person who tagged you
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

1. I am scared of natural gas. I dislike having a natural gas stove/oven or furnace unless they are very new. Crappy thing is that new apartment has old gas stove that I can always smell natural gas and I think I need some sort of lighter thing for. Shit.
2. I can't stand absolute quiet while I sleep (although it has to be pretty dark). I always have music playing while I sleep. If it's the radio I start to incorporate the songs or DJ's voices into my dreams so I usually have instrumental CD's that play continuously. This goes back to my mom making me paranoid and I don't like to hear this noises in the night.
3. When I was a kid (about 8 I think) I lived just south of Seattle (hence quite a bit of rain and therefore umbrellas) and I used to fantasize or pretend that I was Mary Poppins and the wind was going to take me and my umbrella away.
4. I was an only child until I was 10 when we adopted my 3 year old brother.
5. I once made out with a guy that I was crazy about in the tool room during a wood shop class.
6. The wood shop class was one my mom made me take as I had a cousin who had taken the class and had made some wonderful thing (I don't even remember what it was) for her mom. My mom was hoping I would build her something. Instead I was afraid to use the tools in front of the boys (I was the only girl and most of the boys treated me like shit) since I was afraid of looking stupid. It is the only class I ever flunked.
There, now I think most everyone has been tagged but hey, if you haven't been tagged, give it a go.

I'm Here

Made it to SB with everyone and almost everything in tact. I have a suitcase that got ripped but the pull out handle didn't work anyways so I'm not really all that upset about it. I crashed last night about 8pm and was up at 5 (ewww) to finish all those very last minute things and on the road by 6. It's funny, last week I took different routes here (a little bit longer) but went for the most part quite a bit faster. I was worried it would take me 8 hours to get here since I was pulling a trailer. I managed most of the time to drive about 65mph and I made it in about 5.5 hours which is almost what it took for me driving faster. Less pee breaks maybe?? Anyways, I've unloaded my car (bed and bedding) and some clothes and such from the trailer and I'm done. I have help coming to unload the trailer which will cost me a bunch and I don't care anymore. My back, knees and feet hurt so bad I can hardly move. So now I'm off to check out everyones blog.

I Have An Apartment

And I'm tired of being in my car. And I might be a bit crazy. So I was really not attached to this idea of a house where I will have a twin size bed for the next 13 weeks and essentially no TV in my room. I didn't really mind sharing the rest of the house with other people but I want a bigger bed and I want to be able to watch TV. I called my recruiter this morning and he said he had checked out the local SB Extended stay hotel and it was 80 dollars a night (and that is only if I agree to stay there for 13 weeks). Not an option. So I happened to pull up Cra*igs list again. There was a new listing for a studio apartment with a full kitchen for 975 a month and that includes all utilities. Except cable but I can handle that. Not as close to the hospital but I don't care. It's unfurnished, he was ok with my cats, he was ok with only a 3 month lease, the deposit was less than any of the other places I had looked at. The only problem in this whole scenario: He wouldn't rent to me sight unseen. He said he's done that before and then had to give money back etc. My thought was I'm desperate it would have to be a pretty nasty place for me to not want it. He wouldn't budge. He told me I could come down tomorrow with my stuff and he'd get me moved in no problem. Except, he could rent it to someone else between now and then. So, can you all guess what I did next???? Yup. I drove back to Sant*a Bar*bara. I feel like I have spent more time in my car this week than I have at home. Anyways, I paid the deposit, the apartment is fine. It's bigger than the one I had looked at on Tuesday and seems a bit nicer. It still has old brown carpet but again, I don't really care. I did also get a bunch more packing and some cleaning done this morning before I left while I was waiting for Fedex to bring my PIO shot stuff.
As far as all the other stuff. I'm keeping busy enough I haven't had much time to fall apart. I'm trying really hard not to let my mind wander to far down the path of I'm pregnant. I tried to think/dream about anything other than that. Even went so far as fantasizing about how it would be so great to meet mister right. Cause that's easier than thinking about the other stuff. Trying not to wonder about symptoms too but not doing as well there. My boobs still don't hurt. My bra however felt a teensy bit tighter today. I also noticed today that if I go to long without eating it actually starts to feel almost like I'm nauseous. I'll take it. Oh and the smell thing. Oh my God the smell of cow shit is making me crazy, it's everywhere.

Undone

Right now I feel like I am slowly falling apart into millions of tiny pieces and that I am totally powerless to stop the progression. I have been weepy all day and can't seem to quit crying. Yes I am aware that the emotional stuff could be related to a positive pregnancy test but at the moment I'm much more inclined to think that it's actually the downward spiral into depression. See, I've been there before and this is how it starts. It's not at the point where it starts to scare me but just knowing that could be coming scares me. I am trying to remain optimistic while also being realistic. At this moment in time I am pregnant. Whether that will continue is what is so unsure but right now the limbo as Bleu put it is the worst part. Will I be devastated if the pregnancy ends? Yes, but I will survive. I know I've already caught myself thinking "Okay, what's next" yet I haven't caught myself thinking about what my due date would be if this turns out to be a viable pregnancy. I can't go there right now although I know it's sometime in October. I know this because it's almost exactly a year since I started trying. Last year I posted a beautiful and fantastic blinky about wishing for a Valentines day BFP and a Halloween baby. I wanted a reason to love or even like a little, Valentines Day. I still hate the holiday, nothing like a national holiday to remind me I'm still single at almost 38. When I started all the IVF stuff, I did consider that maybe I would get my wish a year after it was made. Trying not to think any further than the next blood test at this point.
And yes, as I mentioned I've been thinking about what my next step is if this doesn't end up working. See I told myself (and several close friends) at the start of the IVF that if this didn't work I was going to stop trying and start saving towards adoption. Because there is a part of me that feels like it's crazy to be spending so much money on trying to get pregnant when that money could be going towards adoption. However now a couple months down the road, as much as I feel like I should start saving because this may not ever happen, my heart truly isn't there yet. I'm not ready to give up yet. It's not that I have anything really against adoption, hell I was adopted. It's just that with adoption I would likely end up going with international adoption since I don't have a lot of faith that with domestic I would be chosen by a potential birth mom over a couple who could provide 2 parents to the child. And when looking at international adoption it's pretty much a fact that the child will be at least 6 months old before you get the child. And this breaks my heart. I can't stand the thought of missing out on that time. I know I would have pics etc but still, to not be able to hold my newborn seems unimaginable. Another factor is that back almost 2 years ago when I thought maybe I would just adopt instead of trying to get pregnant I got my heart set on Guatamala. Which is now at least for the time being closed. Granted that option seemed incredibly expensive but I found myself very drawn to that country. I don't even know why for sure although I do know that when I worked NICU it was always the hispanic babies (usually the boys) that I was totally falling in love with. I have since found an agency with a program for adoption from Zambia which is much less expensive but have not heard much else otherwise about this program so I'm a bit unsure of the whole thing. Still worth looking into. When my heart gets there. But like I said above, it's not there yet. The funny thing is that the forever people pleaser in me is thinking, hmm, how am I going to explain to the 2 people who are probably the most important in my life that I'm not done TTC. One of them being someone who had children in a time when ART wasn't available or an option, admittedly doesn't understand my need or desire to do this. She is very supportive but she doesn't understand. The other my BFF I don't know what she will think. I think she doesn't want to see me hurt more. However there is the little girl voice in me that thinks "it's my money, I can do what I want with it." While I understand that it would not be reasonable to go to far into debt with this for now it really is my money. I also find myself justifying the whole thing. Because it sort of did work. I'm pregnant. I just don't know if I can stay that way. The way I see it, I did try those 4 times at home with possibly little hope of it working and so I don't plan to go back to that route. However I have tried 3 times with the RE. Once with Clomid - I got pregnant, it was a chemical but I was pregnant. Once with injectibles with nothing. Once with IVF and again, I got pregnant. That's 2 out of 3 which is good actually. I wonder if there are infertiles reading this who are thinking "yeah right, she doesn't have an infertility problem, she's been pregnant twice." If so I'm sorry. I still feel like something is wrong. While I'm not ready to jump back into the IVF game again, I find myself considering at least a couple of cycles with injectibles. So the whole planning stuff has stepped in again. Maybe this is a defense mechanism. In the meantime, my limbo state or stress or depression is really throwing a wrench into my life. And the stress has stepped up a notch. See, I just figured out that I have no place to live yet. The apartment that I thought I had found even though I didn't like it has apparently been rented. If I tell my agency to find me a place I lose money and will likely end up in the extended stay hotel again which is a sucky option. I did possibly find a place this evening but have reservations. It's in a home that used to be a bed and breakfast. I would be living with 3 other women. We would all have our own seperate spaces except the kitchen. For this most part this sounds ok. Except the bedroom that would be mine is furnished. Which then brings me to what do I do with my stuff. I can put it in storage, not a big deal I suppose, it's 13 weeks and if my work finds me a place this is likely what I will end up doing anyways. I would horribly miss my bed which I love and my TV. But where should I store my stuff???? To store it in San*ta Barb*ara will cost me I think about a hundred a month. To store it in Fresno, only like 35. But then I have to come back and get it. Possibly not a big deal as I'm think for the purpose of money and housing my next assignment will be more back along the central and northern area of California. Or I could just get rid of most all of it. But then what if I had to replace it. So in my stress and just flat out feeling overwhelmed I have still not accomplished anything. Yes Cora, I can see you shaking your head. But I am now going to have to go back through everything I had packed so far and switch stuff around for what I need with me and what can go into storage. So I have to repack everything. Plus I think there is a part of me hoping something else will come up. For now though I think I need to go to bed. It will all still be here tomorrow. And the next day.

The Drama Continues **Updated**

This mornings beta.... 52. Whoopee. I'm being sarcastic. That isn't even doubling. They want me to continue the crin0ne and test again next Wednesday. This is so incredibly frustrating. If there was or is any chance of this working out then yes of course I want to continue trying to keep this going. But I am really not feeling it. I started off with a very low number and it's not even doubling. I just don't know what to do. I'm also running low on money since I've been off work for almost 3 weeks. So to refill another prescription is annoying and not the best timing. Is it bad that I just want to give up for now?
Well after finally having a total meltdown about 4 hours after my inital call from my doctors office I called them back and very tearfully asked for something different, anything. All I could say was this just doesn't feel right. Outside of my beta numbers that is. The nurse practitioner called me back and I told her my concerns, about the low progesterone in the past etc. She didn't seem to think that testing was necessary but did say that she would switch me to PIO injections to help me feel better even though she didn't believe at this point it would make a difference. She didn't seem to be aware of the weekend long bleeding. She did want to continue and wait until next Wednesday for my next beta to see what the number does over a longer period of time. I can't decide if this means I'm going out to buy more HPT's so I can pee on one every morning or not. It is funny though and I suppose it's just different doctors styles. I've read that many of you have had your E2 levels checked and progesterone etc after a BFP. This office seems very reluctant to do that which baffles me. Anyways, for now I'm done with the Crin0ne (I wonder what is still left up there that I can't reach) and I feel a little bit better.

Day of Almost No Thinking

Sorry I didn't post anything earlier today. I had planned to get up early this morning and drive to San*ta Bar*bara to look around and look at apartments. Then I woke up at 9am. Oops. Not so early. Needless to say it was 10 before I hit the road and I didn't end up getting there until 3pm which sort of sucked. I managed to find one of the apartments I wanted to look at. It's liveable. I would be paying almost the same amount of rent each month that I pay for my house payment at home for an apartment that is roughly the size of my living room and maybe part of my kitchen. And no off street parking. Hmm. And driving around that town seriously sucks. Good news is that it's close enough to the hospital I could walk (ooh, exercise) and the rent is the lowest I found and it's month to month. Many of the other places I called wanted at least a 6 month lease which I can't give them. Plus the carpet is really old looking so if my cat was naughty (pretty much a given) then I wouldn't feel too bad. I know that is really bad to say. I am still going to look around a bit but it looks like this is the way I'm going to end up going. Not much else happened. I ended up driving home in the dark which I hate. I had a couple guys in a car harrassing me for a bit which scared me a bit until I sped up and left their hoopty in the dust. Oh, and for those who live or have traveled through California, have you ever noticed that there are very large portions of the state that smell like shit.
I'm going to get my beta drawn early tomorrow morning and am guessing I should know sometime around noon. I will post as soon as I know something. Thank you everyone again for all your well wishes and encouragement. It is so very appreciated.

Wait Some More

So my beta this morning was 31. Needless to say I'm not happy with that number. If this was over, I would have rather had it just be over. If it's not then please give me the numbers to back that up. I still feel what little hope was there after I actually got a digital HPT to say "Pregnant" disappearing. I've been here before, I know how it goes. Again, I just don't see how this can turn out good. I will test again on Wednesday and see what happens. In the meantime I will continue with my efforts to try not to think. Oh, and my doctors office seemed surprised today when I said I thought I had started my period on Thursday. Hello, do you not read the chart??

It Stopped

Pretty much as abruptly as it started. Maybe a few old brown spots but nothing else. I have no idea if this is comforting or not. My period usually lasts about 3 days. I just don't know what to think. I am going early in the morning to have my blood drawn and will try to post something as soon as I know. Thanks everyone.

Ways to Not Think

The new Disney movie "The Game Plan" is a great movie (very cute) to help get my mind off all the shit that is going on in my life at this moment in time. I actually found myself laughing at times and it was a very cute (although yes Disney like, always with a happy ending) movie. The movie "Strays" while providing some very good Vin Diesel footage, sucked. The Westminster dog show thing can be very entertaining. There were actually 2 corgis who got chosen 3rd and 4th place in the herding breeds. It was a kick to watch though because the handlers of course use treats to get the dogs to do their stuff. They have treats in their hands, put them up to the dogs mouth and let the dog nibble on it but not actually give the dog the treat. They kept commenting on how the dog watches the handler all the time. No duh. The dog is thinking "give me the damn treat, now!" The swiffer commercial was only funny the first 2 times, the same commercial the following 40 times was a bit redundant. There was also a commercial (real or fake?) about how they are trying to recreate the T-Rex from old DNA. Ok, did you all not watch Jurrasic Park? It really didn't end so well for them. Thank goodness for USA network and the Law and Order marathon. Not into watching football this weekend. Thank goodness also for caller ID. I just don't feel at this point like explaining everything to everyone and this has helped me avoid a couple of calls at this time. I will call everyone back eventually but right now it's more than I can deal with. The current numbness is somewhat comforting.
I've been trying really hard to not think too much about all this. Failing but trying anyways. When I think about it I find my mind wandering down that hope filled path of getting a call tomorrow that my beta is fine and the bleeding is nothing. It still continues. Still with clots from time to time. It seemed to almost stop yesterday when I decided to try an extra dose of some prometrium that I still had around but then several hours later picked up again. No cramping anymore and I never did have any that was even has bad as usual period cramps. I still have a line on the HPT that is the same. Not lighter, not darker. I have avoided the digital test because in all honesty, I don't want to see the "not pregnant" so I guess part of me still wants to hang on to hope. I've been mad, sad, cried, and just don't know what to think or feel any more. I guess tomorrow should give me some answers finally.

Clueless

So this mornings HPT (FRER) is a bit darker than yesterdays. Then with second morning urine I took a different brand test and there is barely a line at all. I'm still bleeding and to me, it still seems pretty heavy. There are clots mostly about the equivalent of what a normal period for me looks like. It does seem like maybe it's slowing down some and it's starting to look a bit more brown. I still have some cramping occassionally. I really have no idea what to think about this. I know that hope is still in there lingering and waiting to run free and that scares me because I still don't really see how this can turn out good. It's an awful lot of blood and how could anything hang on in there with all this. The shitty part is that I do believe that there is or was something in there. My boobs don't hurt at all any more which tells me again that my progesterone has dropped. I don't know what to think or do. And what the hell happened to the spell checker which hasn't worked in days now.

Still Bleeding

Late last night I thought it was tapering off. This morning it started to pick up again. The HPT had a line that while still very faint, was a bit darker than yesterday. Since I usually wear tampons for my period I honestly can't tell if this is a normal period. It seems like a light period. It seems like more than spotting but I suppose I could be wrong. Yes I suppose it could also be related to cervical irritation from the crin0ne but again, it seems like a lot of blood for that. However it also seems pretty watery or mucousy. I 'm also having some cramping and some clots. When I called this morning he wanted me to continue the crin0ne and still do my beta on Monday morning. He didn't think that testing my progesterone would be beneficial and said that if I was starting my period even while on progesterone it wouldn't make a difference at this point to switch to PIO injections. I'm pissed at myself for not being more vocal early on that I was worried the crin0ne wasn't enough and at him for not wanting to at least see me although I realize it likely wouldn't make much difference. His thought was that it could be implantation bleeding where the embryo tried to imbed into a place where there was a vein and that is causing the bleeding. I'm just having a hard time with the implantation theory when I have so much blood. Interestingly, my BP which has been somewhat elevated all week, at least in the afternoons and evenings is now normal inspite of the fact that I haven't taken anything since 5am this morning. I will continue to watch that to make sure it doesn't go down more and so far have held off on taking my extra dose. I thank everyone for all their comments and wishes. It means a lot.