So Behind

Still, again, something. Heck I was caught up for a day or so. The last week has been busy with trying to get things ready for my trip. I realized I didn't have any shoes that weren't clogs or sandals but thought I would be ok since there isn't always snow yet. Mother nature of course had other ideas. It's supposed to be a high of 10 degrees tomorrow when I get to Spokane. Ugg. So I made an Old Navy run and bought some cheapy boots for the trip. I have a coat that was given to me by a friend and I think I'll be ok. Not really looking forward to the cold though.

Turns out Sadie isn't going with me. The airlines isn't flying animals this week. So I found a place to board her and took her there tonight. I felt horrible doing it. I'm afraid she will think I left her forever or that she'll have more seizures. She had another one last night which ended up not being too bad but still freaked me out. The kennel place seemed pretty nice though and she had a good sized dog run for her stay there with her bed and food dishes etc. I even left her some of my dirty socks as it's something that will smell like me. Yes, I'm probably pathetic but I felt horrible leaving her. The cats will be taken care of by a friend who can stop by daily and medicate them and I'm excited to be going home. Even if it is colder than hell there. I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and maybe by the time I come home I'll be all caught up again. Or maybe not. It's hard to say.

Busy Busy

Yes, it's been another busy week. Almost over and then I work 2 days next week and leave for Washington! And Sadie isn't going with me. Turns out that around the holiday the airline doesn't let any animals fly. So I'm back to the whole boarding idea which I don't love but it seems to be the only option at this time. I have a lot to do in between now and next Tuesday night too. Things for getting ready for my trip. I need to start packing my office stuff up at work and bringing it home.

Oops

Wow, I didn't realize it had been that long since I posted. Last week was a pretty busy week. I'm guessing this week will be also. Work has been busy and there has been a lot going on. I got my plane ticket for my trip home and of course I paid more for it than I hoped to. I had looked last Wednesday and it was significantly cheaper to fly out of Sacramento but I was still suffering from indecision and procrastinated. Thursday morning I went to buy my ticket and the price had went up about $80 which meant it was no longer cost effective to fly out of Sacramento. I guess that is a good thing but I had hoped to avoid paying as much as I did for my ticket. Partly because of another dilemma. I'm trying to figure out what to do with Sadie. I can't leave her hear in the apartment with just someone coming in to walk her as there is no yard etc. I can't really leave her with anyone either as most of the people who would be willing to consider it also have dogs and guess what, she doesn't like other dogs. She really doesn't like other dogs. So I started looking into boarding her which I hate to do but it seemed like the best option. My opinion at this point is maybe I should open my own dog boarding business cause that is seriously expensive. As in about the same as what it would cost for me to fly her to Washington with me. So, it looks like I'm taking her with me. I'm a little nervous about it but I still have plenty of left over valium and she's going to be with me. Or mostly with me. She'll be staying with D while I stay at his mom's but I think it will all still work out well. So it's all costing me more than I thought or hoped it would. I am very excited about my trip though. It will be nice to be home for the holiday although I'm considering the fact that I just might freeze my ass off while I'm there. Yeah, I'm pretty much cold all the time anymore.

Work as usual has been full of drama. Not sure where it's going or if it's going anywhere. I'm not sure what I want to happen either and it's way more than I want to think about now. It's actually been nice not thinking about it over the weekend.

I've done some reading this weekend, a little shopping and some cooking. Today I made 2 different kinds of meat loaves for the coming 2 weeks. I kept a few out and froze the rest. Then I can come home and take them out and warm them up. That works so much better for me than trying to come home and actually cook something. I also made some fabulous guacamole. Oh my do I love it. I kept some out for this week and froze the rest of that too. Some yogurt dip for apples also to top it all off. I did laundry and even cleaned the bathroom. Managed to walk the dog twice a day and still read books. So, basically an all around great weekend. I can't wait to be having more days off a week!

Outside Looking In

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside of what my life was supposed to be, looking in and feeling like none of it measures up so well. I was supposed to be a wife and mother with a mini van, several kids, dogs, cats etc. Some days I'm not sure how I got here. Here being 40. 40, single, and my only children my furbabies. In my mind I can picture how my life was supposed to be. A loving husband who treats me fabulous, my kids whom I have fun with, play with and experience all the things in life that I sometimes feel like I missed out on as a child. I picture not making my mom's mistakes. Loving my children unconditionally and forever no matter what they do or don't do. Every day I catch myself in my mind thinking of the names I had picked for my someday babies.

There are times though that I can stop myself and force myself to take a step back and look at what those pictures in my mind truly are. In those pictures the someday babies are never older than say 2 or 3, are well behaved and rarely fussy, temper tantrum throwing typical children. The pictures I imagine are just the surface pictures. They don't contain crabby drama craving teenagers, defiant pre-teens or anything else negative. It's always picture perfect that picture in my mind. I have enough friends with children (most of my friends have teenagers or grown children) that I often see the true picture of parenting and I know that the picture in my mind is skewed at best and completely unrealistic for the most part. When taking that step back and looking at the reality, I often find myself wondering why I even want that. Hell, I've got it good. I can do whatever I want with my time and money and let's face it, it's way easier finding a sitter for your dog than your 2 year old.

I know that the reality of it all is somewhere in between the picture in my mind and the drama I see my friends going through with their children. I know like a teeter-totter that reality will rock back and forth, sometimes falling nearer to the picture in my mind and sometimes falling much nearer to a reality TV show in the making. I also know that sometimes I truly don't know what I want or what to wish for. Sometimes I can't imagine not having children and other times I can't for the life of me imagine how I can raise children when I barely manage to take care of my animals. Yes, I know that as a parent you find a balance. You find ways of making it work. I also know that should I ever reach that point of being a parent I will somehow find a way. Yet sometimes I also feel like I am so close to deciding to live child free. To deciding to give up the time, effort and associated heartache of chasing after something I may never have. But is that letting go because I want to or is it letting go because it's less painful. I really don't know the answer to that.

Yay!!!

I finally managed to work it out so that I have the days off I need for Thanksgiving!! Now hopefully the price of the plane ticket doesn't increase too much by next Thursday (when I get paid again) and I can get my ticket somewhat reasonably priced. It took a bit of manipulating on my part which I feel a little bit bad about but not really a lot bad about. I did request it off quite a while ago and gave them ample time to find someone else to work it and I'm only taking the Wednesday before and the Monday after off. I already have the Thursday through Sunday off. So, I get to go home!!

Other great news? I got a new position at work! I've been looking for a couple of months now since I hit one year in my current position. It was a bit of a hard decision as I LOVE the people I work with and that's huge after spending close to a year in a seriously hostile work environment. However as much as I love my co-workers the job is really rather boring and I haven't loved the hours. I never wanted to go to 8 hour shifts and working 5 days a week but did so as I didn't have any other options at that point. So I've been looking for 12 hour shifts. I tried to work on something in my department but it just wasn't happening and pretty much seemed like it wouldn't happen. I applied for a position in another close and associated department that I know I like the people there but that wasn't going anywhere. Then I figured out that it would be the same supervisor as the hostile place and even though for a while I still hoped I finally realized a couple of weeks ago that I would never get that position and it was probably a good thing. I really didn't want to go back to being under that supervisor who didn't do anything to protect me against the bullying and harassment I received from her charge nurses. Plus I would have went back to having at least some dealing with some of the nurses (although not the one who was harassing me the most) that I had worked with before. So I started looking elsewhere. I got frustrated for a while and started to wonder if there was something on my application that was influencing managers not to call me as I hadn't gotten any response from several internal applications. I kept pushing though and last Friday got a call (that I missed) from a manager wanting to interview me. Before I could call her back on Monday she had called again and we set up an interview for Tuesday morning. I left the interview feeling like things had went fairly well and had been told they would let me know by the end of the week or early next week. Well, within an hour and a half human resources had called to offer me the position. I am really excited. I'll be working 12 hour night shifts and I'm really good with that. I was always mostly ok with nights and would truly rather work nights than 7am in the morning. Plus I get paid more for nights which I can really use right now. Plus I only have to work 3 nights a week although I can work 4 if I want to. I'll be working in post-partum. Possibly a strange choice for an infertile but I think it will still be a good move. Also it will hopefully give me a bit of insight as to whether I want to try NICU again in the future but will also be in a mostly stable environment. I really liked the manager and I think it's going to be a great move for me. Now if only I could take all my current co-workers with me.