Because

So Kristen last week asked if I was going to post pictures of my new patio furniture. This is the new chair and foot stool I bought a little over a week ago on clearance. Nice heavy wood that is supposed to be all weather. I'll still probably cover it with something in the winter though. Then of course on Saturday I went to yet another Target store and they had marked this chair and stool down even further but they were in the process of selling the last ones. Of course I was left thinking about how I could have gotten them cheaper. Oh well. I really like them.

Here is a picture of Mrs and Mr Dovie hanging out on the ceiling fan blade again. No further nest building attempts have taken place but they still seem to hang out there a lot. They have been pretty much unimpressed by the hanging basket I purchased for them to build their nest in. Not sure if it's the basket itself or if it's a location issue.
And just because I feel like I deserve flowers the last couple of weeks I've been buying myself flowers at the farmers market on Saturday. Here's the daisies I bought a few weeks ago:

And here's the star gazer lilies (I think?) that I bought this last Saturday. The lilies really didn't last as long as the daisies do. But they made my house smell so nice for a couple of days.
My flowers and plants outside aren't doing very well. They are all looking a bit burnt. Granted it's been incredibly hot here the last week or so but they were looking pretty burnt prior to that and it's been really nice up until the last week. I water daily but still the only thing that looks ok is the orange tree. I don't know if I should put the pots somewhere they get more shade or what the deal is. Even my hanging pansies look just about done for. Not sure what to do with everything. Maybe I need to feed them. I don't know.

Oh Goody

Oh goody, it's still June and people are getting out their fireworks. Yes I'm being sarcastic. I like big fireworks shows that are done by professionals who know what they're doing just as much as the next person. What bugs me is the local village idiots setting them off. Things that go bang simply for the basis of going bang aren't amusing. Neither are things that curl around and stink or things that can produce fire and bounce around. It always just seems like accidents waiting to happen. Add in alcohol that will likely be consumed in great quantities (especially since the 4th this year is on a Saturday) and I'm guessing there will be a lot of stupid injuries and maybe even some fires. The really fun part is that my poor dog is terrified of the noises they make. To the point that she often will not even go outside to potty. Poor thing. Heard some sort of fire cracker or something today and ran for the garage with her tail between her legs. I managed to get her to come back out to go in the house. One year Sadie spent the entire day wedged under the bed. And I have to work that night. I am thinking that leaving her outside isn't happening. I'm going to have to leave her inside and hope she will potty on paper or something. Poor baby. I had hoped to get the night off but it really doesn't look like it will happen. I guess I can look at it from the point of view that at least I'll probably get to see some interesting stuff at work that night.

Mammies

So today I got a new experience. I had a mammogram. First ever. A couple years ago my doc recommended a baseline since if I got pregnant and was breast feeding it may be a while before it would be possible. Plus being adopted I don't know if there is a family history of it. I was worried a couple of years ago that my insurance wouldn't cover it because I wasn't 40. They may have I never checked into it as I was smack in the middle of an IUI which led to chemical numero uno and then one more IUI before jumping head first into IVF. My boobs weren't at the top of my list of priorities at that time. I was much more concerned with my hooha. So this year doc recommended again and I figured what the heck. So I went to the office got signed in etc. Taken back and told to undress from the waist up, place gown on, yada yada yada. Of course the lady doing the ultrasound had her own little bit of mammogram humor. She asked me if this was my first mammogram to which I said yes and she responded by saying we were going to have a smashing good time. She wasn't kidding. It was ok, bearable in that the boob smashing process was thankfully short. The worst parts being feeling like I had the corner of the plate my boob was resting on digging into my armpit and that I felt like I had to be on tiptoes cause she was lifting my boob up so high. Like I said though ok. Not fun but necessary. Of course I stood there thinking about all the boobie/mammogram jokes I've ever gotten. Somewhere I have a joke about a machine catching on fire which I remember had me laughing hysterically. Not sure where that is but I may need to find it. At any rate it's done. The funniest part for me is that of course it's a day where it's over a hundred that they tell me to skip the pit stick. Oh goody. For the sake of the tech I showered right before I went. It's nice to know that I'm still doing something nice for my body (in a round about way) even if I'm not actually doing much more than looking at the damn elliptical.

Oh and one other thought before I collapse into bed (it's about time for me to be waking up and I haven't went to bed yet) is that my insurance with this job is much better. First insurance I had as a traveler wasn't too bad. Covered basics and even covered my overnight hospital stay with the ovarian cyst from IVF #1. Second insurance sucked donkey balls. Covered nothing, not even a freaking flu shot. Insurance when you work at a hospital is usually pretty good, as long as most of your procedures are done at the hospital. This has been true so far thank goodness. There has been no issue with the tooth crown and root canal, nor any of the specialist visits, sleep studies, cpap machine etc. And they paid for my clotting lab stuff I did last month which was about $800 worth of labs if I didn't have insurance. So much nicer to have a plan that takes care of you. Even if the fertility coverage is still absolute shit.

Not Sure I Have A Point

Otherwise known as me rambling. Sort of. Yesterday was the anniversary of my dad's death. I'm ok. It's been 15 years. For probably the last 10 years I've had an awareness of the date but for the most part I no longer feel like it's a traumatic day. I'm just more aware of missing him than some other times. Last night at work we had a pretty bad case. Drunk driver, car accident, 3 dead. Of course the drunk driver was not one of the 3 dead. He jumped out of his truck and tried to run away from the scene. One person they had taken to surgery to try to save her and it just couldn't be done. After her very large family gathered around. As I watched them grieve their tragic loss, many of the memories I had from the day my dad passed away came back to me. I remembered (not as acutely) the feeling of despair that my dad was gone. Add in the fact that I'm a sympathetic cryer and I was definitely teary. I wasn't the only one. At least one other nurse was openly crying. The surgeon was teary and angry, stating that the drunk driver should have to come stand here and witness what he had done. It was so heart breaking to see these peoples despair. Once or twice I heard the house supervisor state something about God's will and God's plan for everyone. The family seemed like maybe they were comforted by this but I know if it were me I would have been beyond angry. How could it be God's will that this young person die and her killer walk away unharmed. I do understand that there are those who believe it's God's will and while I don't mean to speak badly of your beliefs I don't really share them. What all of this leaves me with this morning is that life can be painfully short. We all know that we don't know what's next or how long we have. Life can change or end in the blink of an eye. Many times my job as an RN has reminded me of this. Then I had a comment from Kami this morning about remembering that life is today. So very true for me this morning.

Days Of Mine

So I ended up not going anywhere for my birthday. Except to Target. I went to Target on Saturday (3 of them actually) and at the first store I noticed that they had just marked down the lawn furniture that I really liked. To a somewhat more affordable price. Of course the first Target only had a chair and not the foot stool that went with it. They looked at their computer and said that X store had 2 foot stools. So off I went to X store but no, they were out of the foot stools also and that record showing 2 of them was from 8 am that morning. So off I went to Y store way the hell on the other side of town to get a foot stool that I was assured they did in fact have 4 of but since it was on clearance they wouldn't hold one for me. When did Target get so freaking difficult? My first job ever was at Target and I'll tell you the customers got away with way more than they allow people to do now. All of this though equalled me spending my for fun money on patio furniture instead of a trip out of town. Which was ok too. I've spent much of my weekend working on some craft projects which has been really fun. I've completed two receiving blankets that I had bought a pattern for months ago and hadn't been able to figure out the directions too. I finally took the pattern and fabric back into the quilt shop and the woman who wrote the pattern helped me figure it out. She was very nice about it. I also made a couple of hand stamped cards and made a scrap book page with the photos that I got today of my niece! It was really nice to get a couple of cards from my sis with photos in them. She is so cute. I've also watched a couple of movies that were really good. I watched "Changeling" which was fantastic. So sad that women could have been treated like that back in the early 1900's. They were though and not just in LA. I remember in nursing school while doing my psych rotation taking a tour of the psych hospitals museum and the list of things they could use to have women committed was frightening. PMS, grief, pregnancy. Horrible. Then I watched "The boy in striped pajamas" which was a really good but incredibly sad movie. Heart breaking. So my next movies on my net*flix que are comedies. I need some happy funny movies now.

On Wednesday I go back to work for 2 more nights and then have another 5 off. Yes I've had a bit of a gravy schedule the last few weeks. On 2 off 5, repeat two more times. It's truly going to suck when I have to go back for 5 in a row.

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

So I've been over here mumbling about changing things lately. I've had an idea in my mind of what I was looking for but not sure how to make it all work. See, I still "Want to be a mommy" but that's not all there is to me. And I'm working really hard on there being more about me than just that. You know, just in case it never happens. I know I've mentioned it before but I've spent a large part of my life waiting for when all my dreams would come true. When I'd be a wife and a mom. Time even felt feeling as if I wasn't quite complete until those things happened. But they haven't happened. And I sort of am realizing that there is a possibility that they might not. I have to admit that I've even reached a point where I'm pretty much mostly ok with the whole wife thing not happening. I know I've gotten fairly set in my ways the last few years and it would take a whole lot of compromise to be in a serious relationship. While I'm not ruling out that it could happen, I'm also not going to give up the parts of me that are important just to make it happen. I can't say I've always had that feeling. For a lot of years I was willing to give up anything and everything to have someone love me. See where it got me? Not much of anywhere. So now I'm focusing on me and loving myself and being happy with myself in case that's all it ever is. So it's time for a change. I didn't change my blog address because I didn't feel it was necessary, it was battynurse already. I did change the title though and thanks to Calliope I now have a fantastic new header and pic (that even works on twitter! since I finally caved and all to use that too). I've been battynurse for a while and for a lot of years there has been batty somewhere in there. Not just because I'm a little bit goofy crazy either. It all started with a cat that I was often told looked like a bat, a beenie baby bat that I fell in love with and a job as a phlebotomist where I was regularly called the vampire. Hence the batty me came to be. Now I am embracing it even more. So what do you all think???

A great new look for the 39 year old me.

Finally Friday!!!

Turns out that the whole root canal thing really wasn't too bad which is a very good thing since the damn little pill they gave me didn't do anything. The dentist gave me quite a few shots of Novocaine and got me really numbed up and it was ok. I think the part that really helped was that I took my MP3 player and tried really hard to ignore what they were doing. Then I came home and went to bed until the numbness wore off. Right now it's a bit sore where he gave me all the shots but otherwise I'm good. Works for me.

My paper holder project is no more. I couldn't get all the pieces back together. The wood was in too bad of condition and it just wouldn't go back together. So I have an idea for a future project. I kept the wheels from the bottom which were probably worth the $15 alone and later I'll spend probably another 30 or so on some wood and make a new one.

Otherwise not much happening. I've got 5 nights off and I'm hoping to go to the beach or somewhere for at least one of those days. That and I need to seriously clean my house. At any rate I won't be at work this weekend which is a very good thing.

Why Sleep Eludes Me

So I've tried going to bed twice now. It's not working. It makes me crazy sometimes. My mind gets going on something and then it ends up feeling like I'm a hamster on one of those wheels, just going and going and going. I mentioned in my last post that I had gotten a shelf thing to store my scrapbooking paper in. I had been wanting something but to buy new was just too expensive. I currently have them all in the rubber maid drawer things and they take up a ton of room and I needed something smaller. I hate to put it all in hanging file folders as the paper gets sort of warped from hanging. I saw this one below on cra*igslist cheap. So I went and looked at it and it's smaller than it looks less than 3 feet high. But it's perfect. Sort of. Basically what I've been wanting with enough slots to put my paper in.

So I bought it and took it home. It wasn't super attractive looking though. So I started off with removing the goofy little handles at the top and bottom that didn't really seem to have much of a function. The top was all scratched up and such and an ugly peeling brown. I was thinking I could paint it though, at least the top and the sides and it would look better. When I was taking the handles off though I noticed that it was really dusty inside. Trying to figure out how to clean it out since the vacuum wand won't fit in the slots and the shelves don't slide out. To slide a duster in won't work well because the boards aren't very smooth and the dust sticks to them. Then I noticed that the shelves were nailed in place and I could see some nails. So I pulled out the nails and one of the shelves came out. Cool. Now just pull out the nails for all of them and pull all the shelves out. Oh except I can't see all the nails. So I pulled off the trim pieces on the front which overlapped the shelves, which led to me pulling out the little braces the shelves sat on, which led to me not being able to see what I was doing so I pulled the top off. Which led to me realizing that only a few of the shelves were nailed at the front of the shelf, which led to me removing all of the braces so I could then remove all of the shelves because hey it would all be easier to paint this way and I could get some contact paper to put on the shelves. Now this is what I have:

A pile of braces that the shelves sit on

A pile of shelves and the top of the shelf

And the base and sides of the shelf.

So after the demolition is complete I'm off to bed. But then when I'm thinking of the top of the shelf it's very scratched and now splintered from me pulling the nails out. I could possibly replace that with a new piece of wood cheap. And gee if I was going to do that I could actually do the sides and bottom too and make the whole thing just a smidgen bigger since it won't hold my 12x12 paper at it's current size. Which leads to me getting out the paper and pen and mentally doing math in my head to figure out what size I'd need to make all the pieces. And I'd have to replace the shelves too since they would be too small but I could probably just still use the braces as it wouldn't matter a lot if they were not the same size as the shelf.

See what all of this leads to??? Me not sleeping!!! And I've been up all night long. And I can't shut my brain off and go to sleep. And I have an appointment this afternoon that I need to be up for. So now I'm up yet again thinking that tonight I need to dust off the pieces and maybe just put all the pieces back together the way they were and leave well enough alone and maybe at some later date I can revisit making myself a new paper shelf when I've decided if I like this one or not. Oh and also now that I'm up I remember I need printer paper and an envelope to mail one of my ebay sales in. The problem however will be if I still remember that when I get to the store.

Monday Adventures

So after I slept all day. Yes, all day. I got all messed up on Saturday when I was sick and not feeling well and laid down for a little bit till the sinus headache was gone and ended up sleeping 6 hours which then kept me up all night on Saturday, slept all day Sunday etc. You get the picture. I'm sort of coming to the realization that I think maybe I'm getting sick of night shift. I've been doing it for 4 years now and I like working at night as there is often less of the general drama. However I don't love what night shift is doing to the rest of my life. Anyways, after I slept all day I went to run some errands. I got a shelf thing of cra*igslist for my stamping and scrapbooking paper. It was cheap and smaller than the current arrangement. Only problem is that it's supremely ugly so I need to see if I can paint it or something. I do pics of that later. Then after doing that I headed over to the book store to see if I could find myself a certain book. First place I went to didn't have it but the second place did so I had to take a picture of it sitting there on the bookshelf to show Mel. I wanted to tell everyone that I know the author!! I'm lucky as it was the last one there and I got it!

The weather tonight is still so nice. It's getting up to about 80 during the day and drops to about 58 to 60 at night and I am just loving it. I was driving around with the windows open but now my hair is again a knotted mess.

I love music. Especially in the car but I love to listen to music, especially stuff that makes me feel something. Lately many radio stations have been playing a lot of Tay*lor Swi*ft and I like it. Yes, she's young but it's fun music. I have found it's made me a bit nostalgic for those days as a teenager and into the early 20's when the whole crush/infatuation thing is new and exciting and fun. Where you spend hours on the phone with your BFF discussing everything he said and did and what it all means. Sitting there waiting for the phone to ring. Reality of course is that it never took long for the feelings of desperation to set in or the heart breaking disappointment that occurred when nothing happened. That I don't miss. At all. Then last night I watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" and I LOVED it. Since the music thing has been on my mind the last few days it was funny how much it showed the whole analyzing to death and all the craziness that went along with it. I loved the ending. From who ended up with who and who didn't. It was fantastic.

So tonight I'll continue on with my efforts to organize my second bedroom and make the room into something that doesn't feel like a pit which it does now with all the stuff I don't know what to do with.

Better

I'm feeling a little better today. Not as plugged up at least. Of course how much of that is related to getting better and how much is related to the quantity of cold medicine I've consumed in various varieties is unknown. Regardless I feel a bit less like a slug. I've even been working on cleaning my second bedroom which is where I dump/store all my craft stuff. I had sold a bunch of my rubber stamp sets on ebay but still had some that didn't sell. I also have a bunch of Daisy Kingdom no sew fabric appliques and some random quilt fabric I purchased and some counted cross stitch kits. I've been looking on ebay at all this stuff and none of it looks like anything that would sell all that well. Turns out that I'm the only one nutty enough to just buy random bits of fabric or blocks of 25 different packages of daisy kingdom appliques. Who knew. So I'm thinking some kind of give aways. Cause I'd really like for all of this stuff to find happy homes with someone. I'm just not sure anyone wants any of it. So. Are there any rubber stampers out there??? I know Kristin is into stitching but is there anyone else?? How about Daisy Kingdom stuff?? And random fat quarters and other pieces of random fabrics. If there is interest then I'll do a post (or several) with pictures to start moving this stuff out. Since we know that one persons trash is another persons treasure.

Oh What Fun

Have I mentioned before that I HATE being sick?? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I have. It rates somewhere up there between going to the dentist and oh say maybe a wedgie. So what's even more fun?? Going to the dentist while I'm sick. Since I'm guessing I won't be feeling better come Tuesday. Oh goody. I can't breathe out of my nose and I have a mouth full of hands. I started getting sick at work Thursday night and was miserable all day yesterday. A little better today but I still feel a bit like someone shoved half a bag of cotton balls up my nose. So not fun. Even better is that I still haven't found a ride to and from the dentist (which I need if I'm going to do the sedation) and I don't know if they'll let me just take a cab. So the idea of a root canal with a cold and no sedation is making me seriously anxious.

Hopefully by next weekend I'll be all better so if I do head off to the beach for the day I won't be too miserable. Other than the fact that I think AF is due to arrive late next week.

Not a whole lot more going on. I'm still having a hard time at work. It's the two charges nurses who are still really getting to me and I'm really not that good at pretending to be a duck and letting it all just roll off my back. I'm struggling with the difference between not being someone who gives up and runs away and being bothered by the fact that I pretty much dread going to work and feeling like life's too short. I've been watching and there are several positions open in other departments in the hospital that I'm interested in but I haven't applied yet.

I'm also still trying to figure out when I'm heading home for a few days to see if I can get my house rented out. And trying not to stress on the whole what if I can't get it rented thing.

The weather here is fantastic, not too hot and still sunny. I think it's time for me to go out and enjoy it a bit.

Oh How I Hate Going To The Dentist

Let me count the ways. Funny thing is that I've probably been pretty lucky so far. A few cavities, I had braces for about 2 years which hurt like crazy. The removal of my wisdom teeth was a pretty traumatic experience. But I'm scared anxious etc about going to the dentist. I hate it. I'd much rather go to the gynecologist or have a date with the dildo cam or whatever. So a few weeks back I finally made an appointment for a check up and cleaning. Dentist said though before the cleaning we really should do this crown. I've had probably 5 different dentists in the last 5-6 years tell me that I needed to crown that tooth. I'd had some intermittent discomfort but not enough to push me to do anything about it. I finally gave in though. Figured I'd done it before and I could live through doing it again. So about a week and a half ago they did all the moulds and prep work for the crown and put the temp on. Today was the appt to put the permanent crown on. Except I've had a tooth ache. Started out as a bit of an ache, took some advil and much better. Should last a couple of days. Then a week after my appt I called and asked about how long the tooth should hurt. They said if it kept bothering me I should call and they'd give me something for it. Stupid me thought they'd give me something better than advil. No, they gave me antibiotics and an empty promise that after several doses I'd feel all better. Today's appt included x-rays and a referral to an endodontist. Turns out my tooth is dying and I need a root canal. In the meantime I'm eating advil like candy and it hurts to brush my teeth. Have I mentioned I'm afraid of or at least extremely anxious about the dentist??? Yeah, this is going to be fun. About as much fun as putting on a pair of fiberglass underwear. At least this one will give me sedation. I just have to find someone to drive me to and from. Ugg. So not looking forward to this. I think I wish I had left the tooth alone.

I walked out in my garage today and it stinks like crazy. Earlier this week I found a dead rat in the back yard and tossed it in the garbage. Of course garbage day isn't until Friday. Goody. I'm pretty sure that Sadie managed some how to catch the rat. Not sure how but he looked a bit chewed on and I'm fairly sure that he didn't just crawl into my yard and die. Or at least I hope he didn't as that would probably have to be poison.

I'm trying to figure out when I'm going to manage my trip home and how long it will take. I have a few things in my house that I want to sell and or get rid of. Then I suppose hire someone to clean it top to bottom and to paint the living room (bye bye pretty blue walls) and hire a management company. I know that in the long run this is likely a good thing but damn if it doesn't come at a bad time. Otherwise my life is fairly mundane. The weather here has been fantastic. It's been around 80 during the day and in the 50-s to 60's at night. Perfect. I so love this weather.

Oh and I got all my clotting lab results back today. It's all pretty much normal. My protein C was elevated but otherwise everything else was normal. So I guess that means it's just my crappy eggs. Makes the moving to donor eggs or embryos decision a bit easier. I had wondered what I'd feel if I found out there was something there and if I'd decide I wanted another go with my own eggs. Nope, on to donor.

Tomorrow is back to work for 2 nights and then I'm off for 5. Then 2 more nights back and then off for 3 more as it's my birthday!!! Still don't know where I'm going. Maybe no where since I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. I'd love to go to SB for the weekend but I'll have to wait and see.

Random Stuff

So many random things in my head. I need to figure out how to twitter (tweet?) from my phone. Is that just text or do I have to have internet access? I finally got my car licensed in Ca today. I made an appointment last week for this morning. It's amazing how many people don't make appointments and must wait hours. That place was a frickin zoo. Lines all over the place. I got to go in, go to the front of the line and ended up waiting about 10 minutes since I was there a little early. I was soooo glad I had an appointment. While I was walking out I kid you not there was this guy sitting there digging for gold in his nose. Like up to the second joint on his finger. Yuck!! You're in a public place. How gross.

Speaking of gross. You know that show about gross jobs? I'm convinced they need to have nurses on there. Cause I see some seriously gross ass shit. I would love to blog about it (without using names of course) and I've seen another nurse who does but I still worry about the whole patient confidentiality thing. Knowing that it's unlikely but still possible if I were to write about something specific that happened there is a possibility that a family member or the patient could stumble across my post and that would be horrible for them and I'd probably lose my job. It's hard though because I always come home dying to tell someone about the gross shit I saw at work. Like last night. Which without saying to much I can say I have now seen a cervix and I didn't need a speculum. Yucky.

We've also been having more kids come in with broken bones etc. I guess because it's summer and all here. Poor little ones. I feel so bad for them. They're all scared and hurt. It got me talking to a coworker though about being a kid. And things like jungle gyms. I remember having jungle gyms that were a good 12 tall and they were built over CEMENT!! Not sure what the designers were thinking there. Easier to clean off the blood? And yes I'm sure there were plenty of kids who got hurt on those toys. I was lucky and wasn't one of them. And let me tell you looking back on it I'm pretty sure it was luck and only luck. I was thinking about some of the stunts that I used to do like sitting on top of the chin up bars and flinging myself backwards (without using my hands) to spin around and flip off the bar to land on my feet. Yeah, I went to school with a girl taking gymnastics. And she taught us all the stuff they were teaching her. I remember my mom coming to the playground with me once and me showing her all the cool great stuff I could do. I'm pretty sure she didn't seem all that enthused by my performance. Of course looking back at it I can realize that she didn't want to let on that I had just shaved several years off her life and that possibly she even wet her pants a little. Yet I lived to tell about it. And I know if I had a daughter who tried some of the things I did I would freak the fuck out. Yes I used to be fairly fearless. Except for kidnappers in the dark. Which I was afraid of whether they were real or not. Now I think I've went the other way. I no longer feel like I'm afraid of the dark but there's no way you'd get me up on those bars. No sireee. I also remember when I was about 21 I was babysitting a friends 9 year old daughter and I took her to the bars and tried to show her the stuff I used to do, like spinning around and shit. Seriously it hurt big time and all I did was make myself sick. Nope, my gymnastic days are so very long gone.

Getting rid of some of this stuff I've been carting around has been nice. I didn't make as much money on it off ebay as I had hoped but I still did ok. Now to work on not trying to compensate in other areas. For instance someone mentioned I was missing cycling and so I ended up with a new kitty who didn't fit in. While this wasn't necessarily true since I was guilted into taking Scout there was another part of me that has/had been wanting to take on something else to care for. You know, no baby so I'll find something else to care for. Oh how I dread how my mind works sometimes.

Freaking out about my house in Washington. My renter is moving out. While this is basically a really good thing the timing really isn't optimal. Now I'm going to have to make another trip home to hire a management company and someone to clean the house etc. Plus be responsible for the whole payment until I manage to get it rented. Trying basically to just not think of that. Well I'm so tired I'm falling asleep at the computer. I should go to sleep now. Which means not watching Bu*rn N0tice tonight. Oh well. I'd probably sleep through the show and there is just way too much eye candy to do that.

Sentimental Or Maybe Just Mental

Yup. That's me. I finally got around to sitting down yesterday and listing a bunch of my rubber stamp stuff that I haven't used in a good 3 years on ebay. I'm still keeping a few sets but I'm getting rid of most of it all. I just haven't been using them. I had so many sets that I wanted to keep for "someday when I had kids". Those were the ones that were the hardest to part with. Some of them I had dreamed of making Halloween party favors with, some to be used for scrapbook pages, some to make birth announcements with. It seemed though like maybe it was time. Part of it is honesty. Lets face it, if I ever do have a baby the likelihood that I am going to by myself make birth announcements is slim at best. I also know that I don't do a whole lot of scrap booking with my rubber stamps. Stickers and patterned paper is sooooo much easier. Another fact is that I had found a new company that had an easier to store collection of rubber stamps that if I buy any in the future they will be from that company. So it's time. But still so hard.

With my 39th birthday coming up I've spent a lot (too much?) time thinking about stuff. My brain lately feels like a hamster on one of those wheel thingies. Maybe that's why I'm forgetful. I've talked about taking a year off from TTC but this was a forced thing because of not having the money. Not because I wanted to take some time for me or to figure out what I needed to do to be really happy. In looking at my life I can see how to a very large extent I have put off things I've wanted to do or even overall general happiness until ________ happens. For many years it was waiting until I found Mr. Right. Waiting to travel until I had someone to go with, working crappy jobs until I wouldn't have to work anymore because Mr. Right was taking care of me (ha fucking ha). Waiting to have a family until there was someone to do it with. Then I moved right on to trying to have the family on my own since there was no Mr. Right and I didn't have much time before that age 40 cut off. I kept trying to maintain hope that it would all happen the way my mom told me it would when I was a little girl (so much for fairy tales). Then I heard something on a TV show I watch that really struck me. I won't go into the context of the comment but what was said is that hope paralyzes. And I couldn't stop thinking of how true it is. Hope is a great thing in most all cases. But it can sometimes be a not so great thing. I can see where in my life continuing to hope for something has caused me to or allowed me to put so much of my life on hold. Thankfully within the whole waiting thing I did have moments of deciding to stand up and take care of myself and my needs. Such as nursing school, walking away from a not so great relationship since it's better to be alone than wish you were. Deciding to try for a family by myself. I've done some traveling (mostly work traveling but still fun) but not as much as I'd really like to do. With all of this in mind and knowing that I'm taking at least a year off (and likely longer) before TTC again I also feel like I want to try to find a way to be happy as just me. In case that's all it ever is. I also want to have a year to not feel guilty about what I spend money on. It's like with everything thing I've purchased lately and all the vet visits etc I keep thinking about how much money could have went to my next try. I worked a butt load of over time in April and decided that I needed/really wanted a new computer. I got a fantastic deal on one thanks to some help from a coworker. And I felt bad about spending the money. I don't want to feel bad. I want to take a trip this year and not feel like I should be spending the money elsewhere. Plus the knowing that if I'm looking at donor eggs or embryos I have more time. I had decided at one point that I had to have my children by the time I was 40 since that's like the age they stress about possible birth defects (oh how I wish I had known about declining fertility instead) Now I know I don't have to have a child before I'm 40 (which holy fuck is a year off!!!). I can afford to wait a bit. When I spent the day with BFF at the beginning of May she suggested that with my birthday coming up I let myself relax a bit (more) and work on me, getting healthier and hopefully happier. Then next year on or around my birthday I'll reassess. I know I've talked about doing this before and stated I was but I've still had a difficult time turning my brain off or just making myself (or allowing myself) to live in the moment. So that's what I really want to do for now. Take a year off from TTC or even thinking of TTC. A year where I decide (for now) to live child free. A year off from trying to figure out where I want to set down roots and live. From deciding what kind of car I want. Hopefully a year where maybe I don't dream about winning the lottery and finally having enough to cycle again since lets face it, winning the lottery isn't real likely especially since I never buy a damn ticket. Hell, I'm half tempted to change the title of my blog (yes I've already thought of one). I will say that I can't be 100% sure that things may not change in this time. The thing that comes to mind is if my docs office was to call and say they have donor embryos for me I'd still jump at that one but I'm going to stop pursuing it for now. And I'm planning a trip for later this year. Not sure exactly when but BFF goes to NY usually once a year for work and I want to meet her there for a few days. Then I'd love to take a train or something south to Va. and go see my friend Becky whom I haven't seen in years. In there I'd also love to work in a chance to visit with a few of you blog folks. So that's where my head is now. And it's a bit of a relief. Listing all that stuff on ebay felt a bit like letting go. It's kind of nice for now. And who knows what the next year will bring.

Crazy Eights

Mrs. Spock tagged me for the crazy eights meme that's going around and I thought I would go ahead and do this one since I'm pretty sure that the last one she tagged me for I skipped. So here goes.

8 things I'm looking forward to

1. The weekend I'm taking off for my birthday. I have no idea what I'm going to do but I'm taking the weekend off.

2. Fall. It's already getting hot here.

3. Maybe taking a trip this fall.

4. A cake I'm going to make tomorrow to take to work on Wednesday. It's such a yummy recipe.

5. Getting caught up on my netflix que now that my TV shows are over for the season.

6. yes I'm reaching here. I can't come up with 8 things.

7. The end of the ebay auctions I just listed tonight. I hope everything sells well.

8. When I get my CPAP machine. Still waiting on insurance approval.

8 things I did yesterday (totally slow day)

1. Made breakfast

2. Read my book

3. Watched one of the Harry Potter movies on TV

4. Tried to watch some of my DVD's but my DVD player isn't working.

5. Laundry

6. Played one of my hidden object games

7. Ate some fruit

8.????? I told you it was a slow day.

8 things I wish I could do

1. I'll take Mrs. Spocks, I wish I could lose weight quickly and easily.

2. A job I really liked. Have no idea what this is yet.

3. Get pregnant

4. Go visit all my blog friends

5. Have someone else clean my house, including all the Sadie sage brushes that blow around the tile floors.

6. Have my own private swimming pool

7. Wish I could speak Spanish well enough to communicate with my patients. I've had several nights lately where I only had one patient who spoke english.

8. Get an RV and travel through the US

8 shows I watch (finally an easy one)

1. NCIS

2. Two and a half men

3. House

4. Burn Notice

5. Without a trace

6. Law and order SVU

7. CSI

8. Numbers

8 favorite fruits

1. blueberries

2. raspberries

3. cantelope

4. watermelon

5. strawberries

6. bananas

7. apples

8. oranges

8 places I'd like to travel

1. Italy

2. Paris France

3. London, England

4. Ireland

5. Scottland

6. Hawaii

7. Carribean

8. Drive through at least the lower 48 states and maybe alaska too.

8 Places I've lived

1. Fresno, Ca.

2. Santa Barbara, Ca.

3. Sacramento, Ca.

4. Spokane, Wa.

5. Chico, Ca.

6. Great Falls, Mt

7. Portland (and Beaverton and Tigard and Aloha), Or

8. Auburn, Wa.

Not Tagging anyone else since I'm pretty sure everyone has already been tagged.

Updated to say that since Michelle was so nice to point out that she hadn't been tagged I thought I would go ahead and tag her. Anyone else? Cause we should all have fun with this.