Studies?

So on the way home from work this evening I was flipping through the radio channels looking for something to listen to. Hopefully something that was upbeat. I'm doing better today but still a bit anxious. Lots of people talking, you know the trip home with traffic reports etc. So I stop at one station that often has stuff I like and it's John Tesh on. I don't usually love listening to him. To me he comes across as being too goody goody. Within a few minutes though he had me so mad I swearing at the radio. What was he talking about? Donor conceived children. He was talking about a study that had been done that showed donor conceived children were twice as likely to get in trouble with the law, abuse drugs and alcohol, be severely depressed and so on. So here he is, someone that a lot of people listen to saying how horrible it is to use anonymous donor sperm or donor eggs and that many donor conceived children have said it would have been better if they were adopted children. Ok, first of all I don't think that comparing adopted children to donor conceived children is an accurate or fair comparison. Different situations. Yes I have heard the others who have went on various talk shows or whatever and said similar things. My problem with this is that if the parent(s) hadn't used donor gametes it's not like this child would be living an alternate happier life elsewhere with their "real" parents. They simply wouldn't exist. For all the children who were the result of donor gametes it's not like they would have been born exactly as they are to a totally different life with different parents. It took the actual mix of the donor gamete (which likely would have gone to waste if it hadn't went into a cup or a petri dish) and the egg from the mom or whatever to make them. No other combination would have made them. I can understand being curious about biology but biology isn't everything. Biology isn't an instant and perfect cure for a happy life. Even if it wasn't anonymous wouldn't necessarily get the answers or the relationship that this person craves.

My second problem with this is a problem I have with a lot of "studies". They don't give you the details. The size of the study group, where these people were taken from other than donor conceived. Donor conceived with two parents or just single parents? We the children told about the donor and how were they told. How did their parent(s) feel about it. All factors that can influence how a child feels about something. Was there a control group? What other factors were involved in the study.

Finally what about public opinion. John Tesh made a comment that the donor conceived children "felt like they were freaks of nature." This is because that is what some of society has made it. A single woman or a lesbian couple who is trying to have a baby using donor insemination is a joke, something to laugh at or is pathetic by many. She has to do this because she has no other options for a partner or parent. How many times do you see this addressed in TV or movies as a comedy? In many ways, yes this is how it is perceived. Not as a child that is a perfect gift and a wonderful life to be cherished that has been brought into the world by someone who wants to parent responsibly. No it would be almost better in some peoples eyes if you had just went out to a bar and gotten knocked up one night. If you tell someone often enough that how they came to be wasn't "normal" they may yes believe it. So if these children receive negative reactions for their origins often enough they will begin to see themselves as negative.

Of course the ending to the topic wasn't to encourage people to be more open minded about donor conception but instead to call for an end to anonymous donations.

Can I puke now?

Yes, you have just insured that I will once again make a point to change the radio station every time I hear that man's voice.

Closing Doors

Today has been a bit of an emotional day. To some extent I know why and yet to another extent I can't figure out why I wanted to cry all the way home this evening.

I know with my counselor a couple of weeks ago we discussed that a lot of my recent unrest, crazy dreams etc and what I ended up realizing is that with my 40th birthday coming up I was coming up on some lines I had drawn for when things were supposed to be accomplished by. I was coming up on a point where I felt like I needed to make some decisions what path I wanted to follow and time to maybe let go of some dreams. I don't know that I ever came to an answer for either of those areas but I know that for so many years I've felt like by age 40 I should be at x place. Hell, when my mom was 40 I was 20. One thing that was pointed out to me and that in the back of my mind I know even if I have a hard time remembering is that the line drawn at 40 was my line and not anything carved in stone so therefore it is flexible. It's not like at age 40 my uterus disappears, it becomes illegal for me to get married or I'm locked into one location or path for the rest of my life or even that since I'm a financial mess at this moment doesn't mean I will always be a financial mess. At least not if I decide to want something different.

Yet I can't deny that I've held on so tightly to those dreams and all of the little wishes that go along with those dreams that I feel like they are a bit wilted and crushed in my hand. I feel like I've spent so much time carrying around all of the luggage that I would need for when those dreams come true that I'm just tired. Beyond tired. I'm tired of holding on to all the little pieces and trying to keep everything organized and managed for a dream that may or may not come true. I find myself wondering if it's time to let go of all the little pieces that I was sure I needed for when those dreams came true and what I will have to hang on to if I do let go.

Saturday I started the somewhat painful process of boxing up the remaining supplies from my rubber stamping stuff that I had hoped to someday use with my maybe children. Doing so frees up a bunch of space and maybe will even give me a little cash too. I simply am trying not to think about how much I spent on all of it, especially the stuff I never got around to using.

I've (or at least I think I have) resigned myself to the idea that my house in Washington will likely end up foreclosed on. The offer I got a little over a week ago expires on the 30th and from what the bank said on Friday they still have to assess the value of the property and compare it to similar properties in the area and no thank you they don't want my Realtors help doing any of that, they'll get back to us on the decision in 60-90 days. This was after I got the bitch treatment from one of their mitigation specialists when I tried to call in and get some info on what was happening, info I never actually got either. It took my Realtor calling them back and bugging them further to get the above answer.

I also made an appointment for this Friday to meet with a lawyer regarding bankruptcy and am trying not to panic and feel like a total loser and not spend the next 4 days worrying that they will tell me there isn't a thing they can do to help me and I'm just flat out screwed.

So basically it feels like at this moment I'm closing a bunch of doors. And while my faith in God and a plan and all that is seriously lacking I keep hoping that somewhere soon there will be some windows opening and that maybe things will start to look better.

Weekends

Weekends are wonderful. Regardless of what day of the week they actually fall on or if you spend the whole time staying home because it's just too flipping hot outside to do anything. Yes, that does describe the weather here today in beautiful Fresno. It's supposed to be 103-105 this weekend. Blech.

Oh well. The week at work thankfully went by quickly. The work environment has thankfully calmed down and things seem to be moving a lot smoother now. That's a relief. It was steady most of the week which was good too. I finally got my Mary Kay makeup this week (it took me a couple of weeks to get an order put in) and am loving it. I'm trying out all kinds of different colors and such which is so much fun.

Another highlight of this week was I hit the 250's with my weight at 9 weeks post op. I weighed 259 which is down 48 pounds. I just can't get over how much better I feel, how much more energy I have (as long as I keep up my protein intake anyways) and how much more confident I feel. It's so fabulous finally starting to feel better about myself and to feel more confident. Last night I started looking around ebay at scrubs. I ended up bidding on and getting 2 pairs of pants (that will work with several of my shirts) and a shirt for less than $10. All from the same seller so hopefully she should combine shipping too.

This morning I tried a new protein shake concoction which turned out pretty good. It was with my click espresso flavored protein and I added some frozen cherries, sugar free black cherry and chocolate torani syrup and milk and ice. It was yummy.

The thing that I keep finding that surprises me the most since surgery is the cravings I have which are rarely for sweets. Granted some of the stuff I crave is still not that great for me maybe but it's not sweets that I crave. Also when I do allow myself to try something that isn't a best choice I'm finding I don't really care for it. It just doesn't taste as good as I had begun to think it would. The stuff that is good for me is what I find tastes fabulous. Last night for dinner I had Basil Pesto crusted Tilapia fillet (sorry I forgot to take a picture) and a few slices of zucchini that I had sprayed on I Can't Believe it's Not Butter spray (fat free) and put a bit of mozzarella and Parmesan cheese on. So yummy. Chicken strip today? Pretty gross. Maybe there's hope yet that I'm managing to retrain my eating habits for good.

Well At Least It's Not Monday

I have no idea why but I was so ridiculously tired yesterday. All day. I skipped the Mary Kay training thing I was supposed to go to and came home, read my book and went to bed. Tonight I needed to go exercise but it's over 90 out there and the idea of walking in that heat is just unbearable. Since I'm also eating dinner at this point I'm guessing I likely won't be hoping on the elliptical this evening either. For dinner I'm having chicken salad and since I try not to do too many cracker like things due to carbs I am instead eating the chicken salad on cucumber slice from my little flower pot garden. The cucumber plants are freaking huge and I'm guessing I will soon have cucumbers coming out of my ears. At any rate it's rather tasty. Last night was another of my mini pizzas and that was yummy as well. I've also been doing quite a few smoothies for breakfast lately. I've got frozen strawberries, cherries and blueberries and I throw those in with vanilla soy milk and some unflavored protein powder and there you go. I did order some new protein powder the other day that will hopefully be here soon and even more hopefully not taste like some kind of ass. Then hopefully I will commence with making protein ice cream! Course I need an ice cream maker for that. I'm hoping to win one from Eggface! I know I've mentioned her blog here before but it's worth mentioning again. She has this fantastic blog that is full of all kinds of wonderful weight loss friendly recipes that all look sooooo good (minus the onions though). Well for her surgerversary she is giving away an ice cream maker that I would just LOVE to win. If you want you can head over there and enter to win also. Plus check out some of her recipes and the before and after pictures. This lady is truly an inspiration!

I tried some more of the smaller pants that have been given to me today. They're too big already. They kept falling down. I also had a friend tell me that I wasn't allowed to wear the scrub pants I wore the other day anymore unless I took them in or something. All of my scrub pants are now huge on me. I keep looking around for cheap ones and I did buy a couple of smaller size neutral colors but the matching freak in me just can't stand the thought of my pants not perfectly matching my shirt, socks and shoes. However I also can't afford to go buy another 15 pairs of scrub pants to match all my shirts. Hmm. Maybe I should just wear the drab hospital ones for a while.

Well tomorrow is hump day and it's usually our busiest day of the week so it will hopefully go by quickly. Then it's the down hill slide to the weekend. Yippee! Not that I have anything much planned for the weekend but any day I'm not at work is a good day. Especially lately. Although I know I shouldn't complain since I do still have a job.

Hope everyone elses week is great.

Now It's Friday!

Thank goodness. It's been another crazy busy week. Work is still a bit crazy with a lot of upheaval. We've been working short a lot and they can't post any open positions until they've offered them to any of the people who have been laid off and so on. I understand it but of course it's a long process and in the mean time work is really busy. Again it's job security when we're busy so I don't complain much but still sometimes it would be nice to be able to actually take our breaks.

Besides all of the work crap it just seems like I have a lot going on in the rest of my life too. I've had a lot of appointments the last couple of weeks and I have one more coming up. Time for the yearly boob smashing. Oh goody. Plus I've started something new for me. A project sort of. And yes some of you may think I'm crazy. I signed up to be a Mary Kay consultant. I hadn't tried any of their products in years and went to a facial thing a few weeks ago. I also haven't been taking very good care of my skin lately (or maybe like ever?). I have been in the habit of rarely washing my face at night and just soap or whatever in the morning in the shower. My skin has been really dry the last few years. I know a couple of years ago I had went to seph*ora and had been talked into a face cream that was ridiculously priced in hopes of it helping with irritation associated with the make up I was trying to use at the time. It didn't help with the irritation and I pretty much quit using the make up as it made my skin itch and burn. I'm pretty sure I have rosacea and while I make efforts to cover the redness I haven't done a lot more than that. I have considered and looked at some of the more medium priced moisture creams etc but I just haven't gotten around to choosing something and buying it. So when I went a to the facial thing a couple of weeks ago I was going as a favor to a friend who's daughter was just starting. I was hugely surprised that I actually liked the product. Specifically the face cleansing and moisturizing product but I like the foundation really well too. But it's kind of expensive. Then they mentioned that if your a consultant you get your stuff for like half price. And half price is like a much better price. Plus I had just been given a pretty good reason to start washing my face at night. You know other than the fact that I'm almost 40 and you know starting to age and all. So I decided to give it a shot. My first thought was to just get my stuff cheaper. I don't necessarily see myself as doing so fabulous at this that I could ever afford to quit being a nurse but I've found that I would really like to try making a go at this and maybe seeing if I'm good at it. Plus I like that I'm in a place where I feel better about myself and find myself wanting to take better care of myself and to look as good as I can. So a couple evenings a week I've been doing stuff with that now too. Last night for the first time I actually had someone decide to buy some stuff which is kind of a fun feeling plus I know she left feeling really good about how she looked. And who knows. Maybe I'll mostly worry about getting my stuff cheap. Or maybe I'll get to do more with it. But it's kind of fun and it's getting me out a bit more often and getting me to meet a whole new group of people that I never would have met otherwise which is kind of fun too (I think my therapist might like this part as it's something she's been recommending if not the exact path she's been recommending). It's also forcing me to pretend to be a lot braver than I usually am and do things like stand up in front of people and talk to them. And hey, if you're ever in Fresno and want a facial?? I'm your woman.

Is It Friday Yet?

No? Dang. I didn't think so but one can hope.

I'm still here keeping busy, more so than I would like sometimes but it's all mostly going well. Today I'm 8 weeks out from surgery and I'm down 45.5 pounds. I only lost 1 pound this last week but the AF is here so I'm also holding on to a bit extra for at least another day or so. The great news? I went to see my regular doctor this morning. One of the things I wanted to talk about was my blood pressure. For the last 4 weeks or so I kept getting these moments where I would stand up and everything would go dark for a few seconds and I'd have to wait for it all to come back. I knew it was because my pressure was dropping when I stood up. 2 weeks ago I started cutting my medication in half because I was tired of almost falling over and I've been watching my BP. Today I told the doctor about it and he checked me again and I was pretty low on only half the pill so he told me to stop taking it!! 8 weeks out and I'm OFF my blood pressure medication!!! Yay!! Can you tell I'm happy about this?? It's one less pill I have to take which is a good thing.

The other good news I got today is that someone put in an offer on my house. Now hopefully the bank will accept it and soon the house will be sold. It sort of makes me sad though too. Even though I know I wasn't going to move back there and I know that I'm far from being the only person in this position it leaves me feeling a bit like a failure when it comes to managing my finances.

One other little funny thing before I head off to sleep. I wanted to talk to a friend of mine who isn't very tech savvy. However it was like almost 10pm and I didn't want to wake him if he was already asleep. So I sent him a text that said "r u awake?". A few minutes later I get this call and he says "how did you do that?" I guess maybe I need to teach him how to text?

Yummy Dinner

So tonight's dinner plan was for fish and zucchini. It didn't work out so well. I had purchased some pre-seasoned cod fillets at costco and didn't like the seasoning. So that ended up in the garbage. However earlier in the day I had mixed up this bean concoction for the week and I ended up eating that and boy was it good.

So glad I made this. It's a recipe I sort of borrowed and modified a bit. Not too long after my surgery I had joined a chat gastric bypass support group and from that found a fabulous blog (I hope you don't mind the mention) with all sorts of GBS friendly recipes. I haven't so far made much from the blog but she had a recipe for a bean and tuna Italian salad stuff that sounded good. However there were some ingredients I didn't love and other things I loved more so I modified a bit. It turned out really good and I will definitely be remaking this. It's a can of Cannellini beans, some cut up artichoke hearts, some sliced up black olives (I'm boring, I don't really like the fancy olives that well), some mozzarella cheese balls and some cut up salami. I then poured some balsamic vinaigrette dressing on it and let it sit for a while. Tastes soooo good.

So Far Behind

I'm so far behind on reading and blogging and just about everything else. It's been a bit of a crazy busy week. Work has been busy every day. This is a good thing in that it's job security, I think anyways. I had several early morning appointments this last week and several after work appointments. It all left me feeling a bit flustered and worn out. I did spend some time with the personal trainer on Wednesday morning and I can just now walk normally again. Squats are evil. Just truly evil. It's getting hot here so I don't know how much longer my evening walks will last. We will probably have to move inside soon. I just purchased a couple of exercise DVD's on ebay and also still have the work out room which will help. Last night though was funny as me and my neighbor walked for like an hour because we were so busy talking we just kept going.

There isn't a whole lot really going on. I've been feeling pretty good about myself most of the time. I can see where the weight loss has helped build my confidence and make me feel better about myself and also want to try harder. I'm enjoying feeling better physically too. I know that in some areas I still have a lot to work on but I feel like I'm at least trying to work on the painful feelings and the parts of my life that don't feel like they're working or at least not working well. Not easy and not fast but I just keep trying.

Improvising

So I'm quickly realizing that buying food in the small amounts I need really isn't easy so I need to figure out what to do so I don't end up eating the same thing for weeks on end. My freezer isn't very big but I'm going to work on using it as well as possible. My goal is that when I make something to either freeze some of the finished meal or to freeze some of the parts before it's made. Tonight is my first experiment with this too. It all started with a craving for pizza. I think I've mentioned before that I was craving pizza. I've considered going to a buffet thing to just get one piece but I still question that I could handle all that bread even though I'd love to eat a slice of regular pizza. A couple of weeks ago I bought some of the stuff for pizza. I bought a jar of pizza sauce and some pepperoni. Today I decided to go for it and make my pizza. Here is the finished product. I used a small carb balance whole wheat tortilla, some pizza sauce that I fortified with unflavored protein powder, olives, pepperoni and cheese. I stuck it in the toaster oven to melt the cheese and warm it up and also crisp up the tortilla some. It tasted pretty good although in all honesty I'm not sure my stomach is all that pleased with it yet.

However I'm left with quite a few "leftovers". I bought the smallest jar of sauce I could find (yes I know I could make my own sauce but realistically I likely won't, at least not any time soon) but still have a ton left and there is a ton of the pepperoni left as well. So what to do?? I don't want it all to go bad. So I'm freezing stuff. Granted I don't know how well it will freeze but it's worth a shot right? I took the pizza sauce and put it in the ice cube tray (I got that idea from all of you making your own baby food) to freeze and then I'll put the cubes in a ziploc bag. I'm guessing each cube will be just the right amount for a mini pizza. I still need to portion out the pepperoni and freeze it but I plan to do that as well. Then when I'm really craving something like that I can just take it out. I wonder what would happen if I froze the tortillas in individual bags as well. Hmm. May have to try that.

Putting The Thoughts Down

It's been a bit of a crazy roller coaster week and my head is seriously zinging in so many different directions it's not even funny. So much on my mind and so much to think about. So here is my effort to get some of this out of my head and down on the blog.

Work is still a bit crazy. It's been busier this week which is good as it's job security but a bit crazy since we are down a couple of employees. Last week they had said they were done firing people in our area but then this week we came to work to an announcement that the company planned to lay off 150 employees. Needless to say we were all a bit nervous about where we stood. There were conversations about who had more seniority etc (I have the least) and what may happen next. Friday I knew of one person who wasn't in my direct department who had been laid off but nobody in our department. We were also told that for now we are all safe although by August there may be another round of layoffs. The company also ended a program that I very much enjoyed called c-fit which was a healthy lifestyle program that had classes and incentives for being healthier. I had access to a dietitian and had earned enough points that I could hire a personal trainer for like 2 months. I had been waiting until I was healed enough from surgery. Now I get to claim one visit as the personal trainers last day is next week. My dietitian's last day is next week as well. Morale right now around the hospital sucks which is understandable and frustrating and the most surprising things about it all was I found myself realizing that I didn't really care that much if I got laid off. Severance pay and the ability to look for something new without wondering if I was doing the right thing sounded great. Of course the reasons for this are more than just looking for something new but I'll get into that later.

Another thing I noticed this week is that I feel great. I feel pretty much healed from surgery and am doing good with eating. I'm mostly done with pureed food and am eating regular food and doing mostly fine with it. I did discover that re-warmed fish was a bit too dry and not a good option as I came closer to puking than I ever had on Thursday night. I so don't want to feel like that again. But over all I feel great. And it's more than just physically. I feel good about myself. Yes the weight loss is helping even if it is slowing down some. I'm down 41.5 pounds and I know I look better even if I can't always see it myself. I also know that I have work to do still in the area's of self confidence and self love but I am working on it which also makes me feel great. Another thing I've noticed is that for the first time in I have no idea how long I'm not completely focused and obsessed with achieving some certain thing that is sure to be the one thing I need to finally be happy. I spent most of my teens, 20's and early 30's focused on finding Mr. Right and being married. I wanted it so badly I was willing to twist myself into a totally different person and do anything to make myself attractive enough to which ever man of the moment was my obsession. Then I spent from 36 until the last couple of months being completely obsessed with having a baby. It feels like I am finally for the first time just working on being happy in this moment and being happy with what I have and what I am in this moment. And it feels really good. I'm enjoying myself and the friendships I've made and the things I like to do. I'm making a huge effort to take care of myself and to be healthier and happier and it feels good.

Funny thing is that I've finally reached the point of feeling truly happy with myself, my life and even maybe my body when I'm on the brink of financial ruin. Yup. I am. I think I am possibly at the point where I need to just let go of my need to be the "good perfect" person that I've always tried so hard to be and look at filing bankruptcy. I don't want to do it as it makes me feel guilty and bad but I am in so far over my head it's not even funny. My house in Washington has to be pretty close to being foreclosed on. I had sent in an application to try to have the loan modified but have been told since then that they are only modifying for owner occupied properties. I'm going to lose the house. Which is likely going to mess up my taxes for next year as well. The other major amount of bills is thanks to paying for fertility treatments with credit. You think Capital One will want to reposes my ovaries??? They can have em. So as much as I don't want to see myself as a total slacker who doesn't live up to my responsibilities I also don't want to kill myself for something that is beyond fixing at this point. It's just a matter of finding someone impartial to help me answer which is the better option at this point. Credit counseling or Bankruptcy.

Which then leads me back to the whole job situation. I like my job and I like the people I work with. Although there are definitely things that I miss. Like my 12 hour shifts and having 3-4 days a week off. I'm also seeing how much I've based so many decisions in the last several years on infertility and the quest to become pregnant. When I decided to stop with the traveling nurse thing is was partly because I don't travel light well and it was getting too difficult to move every 13 weeks and partly because there really didn't seem to be as many travel assignments available. Another deciding factor though was that I was getting ready to do my last IVF cycle with my own eggs. And to some point I was so frickin sure it was going to work. I wanted to be stationary so I would have maternity leave, and not have to change doctors with another move and Fresno was more affordable than the coast where I really wanted to live. Don't get me wrong, there are things about Fresno that are pretty likable. I have never been anywhere that has had better produce and farmers markets than here. I love it and yes that may sound stupid to some people but it's a big thing for me. I have friends here which is great and it is an affordable area for California. However for as long as I can remember I have wanted to live closer to the ocean. Fresno is ok but it's still a good 3 hours and I don't get there nearly as often as I would like to. The heat here in the summer drives me a bit nuts but I suppose that's what AC is for. I am a little afraid though at what my next electric bill will look like.

So when they started talking layoffs at work I found myself thinking about maybe this was an opportunity to look at what options may exist in a location that I would love just for myself. Not because it would be an affordable place to be a single mom or because I would have a schedule that is perfect for a single mom (current schedule is but 12 hour shifts aren't really). Just someplace that would be a great location for me. Now while part of me fears that I'm just jumping and running to the next thing that is sure to "fix" me part of me feels like maybe I should really honor my desire to make a decision for myself and what I truly want not for how it might affect my future chances at motherhood or at being a wife etc. So while the timing for moving really isn't the best I still find myself looking at various web sites and when I see jobs available it's oh so tempting to apply just to see what might happen.