Ok so it's been a while since I posted and I'm flabbergasted by the change in appearance in the screen look for new posts. Hmm. Maybe I should visit my blog more often.
The only way I realized that this was National Infertility Awareness week was seeing several posts pop up in my blog reader that others had posted. The last 2 years I feel like I have completely stepped away from infertility and the impact it's had on my life. Yet no matter how far away from it all I step there will always be reminders and things that bring it all back in a rush of emotion.
One reminder is my tattoo on my leg that I did last summer. I wanted to do something to memorialize the three early miscarriages. My maybe babies. I had thought of butterflies, dragonflies and a host of other things and then realized that the perfect thing for me was bats. Yes, I have bats tattooed on my leg. Cute bats, not scary ones. I have myself actually, my battynurse image and my 3 batty babies. I love it. I love what it means to me whether I choose to share that with others or not.
Most of the time these days I find myself able to live freely and happily with the choice (somewhat forced) of living child free. I can look at it and admit that in no way to I feel emotionally ready or compelled to resume infertility treatments. I don't have a desire to go back to that dark place and emotional roller coaster. I can also see the many advantages I enjoy with not having children. Not to say that I wouldn't have many joys and advantages to having children but there are things that I have or can do that if I was a single parent likely wouldn't be an option.
I can look logically at the challenges of single parenting. Things that 4-5 years ago seemed challenging but yet still manageable now look so very overwhelming. Especially lacking a strong support network of family and friends to help out. Not to say I don't have family or friends but not really many who are close enough and able to help out on a regular and consistent basis.
Then I have the occasional moments that blindside me a bit. As I've mentioned before I work with new moms and babies. I enjoy what I do. A lot. In someways I feel like I go to work and get my baby fix and then I get to come home and do whatever I want. There are days where I come home and I'm so freaking glad I don't have to listen to another baby crying for at least 12 hours. However sometimes (and it's not nearly as often as I would have thought if you had asked me several years ago) I have that baby that catches my heart and makes me feel that loss all over again. Most of the time it's a baby that I know will be going into foster care or up for adoption. A couple weeks ago I had a baby I cared for one night who was going up for adoption as mom didn't think she could parent but no family had been chosen, nor agency etc. She came to the hospital to deliver with no plan in place mostly because she had spent a lot of time in denial. All night I couldn't get past the thought that I wanted him and I wanted to take him home. I knew it wasn't an option as I have nothing in place to work towards an adoption but the thought was there. All night I kept finding myself fantasizing about what if... No, it didn't happen and I was told that the family that did take him was so incredibly happy and they had been waiting for children for 15 years. I was happy for them. It also indicates to me that at some point in the future I may find myself willing to pursue adoption.
Right now I'm not there. Right now I have no desire to have every aspect of my life examined so completely and to spend such a large amount of money on something that others can get easily whether they want or deserve it. Right now I'm happy with my life as it is instead of waiting until I achieve marriage or having children so that I can be happy. Yet I also acknowledge that infertility has forever left it's mark on my life as it leaves it's mark on so many others. I can hope that in the future there will be greater understanding of that mark on peoples lives. Less judgement of those peoples hopes and desires.
The only way I realized that this was National Infertility Awareness week was seeing several posts pop up in my blog reader that others had posted. The last 2 years I feel like I have completely stepped away from infertility and the impact it's had on my life. Yet no matter how far away from it all I step there will always be reminders and things that bring it all back in a rush of emotion.
One reminder is my tattoo on my leg that I did last summer. I wanted to do something to memorialize the three early miscarriages. My maybe babies. I had thought of butterflies, dragonflies and a host of other things and then realized that the perfect thing for me was bats. Yes, I have bats tattooed on my leg. Cute bats, not scary ones. I have myself actually, my battynurse image and my 3 batty babies. I love it. I love what it means to me whether I choose to share that with others or not.
Most of the time these days I find myself able to live freely and happily with the choice (somewhat forced) of living child free. I can look at it and admit that in no way to I feel emotionally ready or compelled to resume infertility treatments. I don't have a desire to go back to that dark place and emotional roller coaster. I can also see the many advantages I enjoy with not having children. Not to say that I wouldn't have many joys and advantages to having children but there are things that I have or can do that if I was a single parent likely wouldn't be an option.
I can look logically at the challenges of single parenting. Things that 4-5 years ago seemed challenging but yet still manageable now look so very overwhelming. Especially lacking a strong support network of family and friends to help out. Not to say I don't have family or friends but not really many who are close enough and able to help out on a regular and consistent basis.
Then I have the occasional moments that blindside me a bit. As I've mentioned before I work with new moms and babies. I enjoy what I do. A lot. In someways I feel like I go to work and get my baby fix and then I get to come home and do whatever I want. There are days where I come home and I'm so freaking glad I don't have to listen to another baby crying for at least 12 hours. However sometimes (and it's not nearly as often as I would have thought if you had asked me several years ago) I have that baby that catches my heart and makes me feel that loss all over again. Most of the time it's a baby that I know will be going into foster care or up for adoption. A couple weeks ago I had a baby I cared for one night who was going up for adoption as mom didn't think she could parent but no family had been chosen, nor agency etc. She came to the hospital to deliver with no plan in place mostly because she had spent a lot of time in denial. All night I couldn't get past the thought that I wanted him and I wanted to take him home. I knew it wasn't an option as I have nothing in place to work towards an adoption but the thought was there. All night I kept finding myself fantasizing about what if... No, it didn't happen and I was told that the family that did take him was so incredibly happy and they had been waiting for children for 15 years. I was happy for them. It also indicates to me that at some point in the future I may find myself willing to pursue adoption.
Right now I'm not there. Right now I have no desire to have every aspect of my life examined so completely and to spend such a large amount of money on something that others can get easily whether they want or deserve it. Right now I'm happy with my life as it is instead of waiting until I achieve marriage or having children so that I can be happy. Yet I also acknowledge that infertility has forever left it's mark on my life as it leaves it's mark on so many others. I can hope that in the future there will be greater understanding of that mark on peoples lives. Less judgement of those peoples hopes and desires.
