Oh Christmas Tree!!

Ok, so maybe I need to consider puting up my second Christmas tree. I have a small 4.5 foot one that I retired several years ago when I ran out of space on it. Now I'm pretty much out of space on my 7 foot tree. I think next year I will set up both. But I've got my decorating inside done. I usually put my lights up outside the week before thanksgiving since it often snows around thanksgiving. Didn't get to that this year and yep, it snowed so I don't know if I will get those up this year. Plus I don't have a plug in outside. Anyways, this is my tree, with the hideous curtains in the back ground. I plan to change the curtains but I want to actually change out the windows first for windows that will actually open and since that may change the size of the window, I hate to go buy new blinds yet. Now if I can just get the cats to quit eating the plastic pine needles and to stop messing with the tree skirt.

Oh yes, and I am feeling better

I realized after reading the comments from my previous blogs that I hadn't posted anything about how I'm doing with the whole feeling discouraged. I'm doing a lot better and thank you all for asking. A couple days after my encounter with nurse doomsday I sat down and had a chat with another co-worker who is also somewhat of a larger woman and whom I knew had some complications with her pregnancy. I talked to her about my plans, asked about what complications she had etc and I did end up feeling a lot better. I'm not worried about the gestational diabetes anymore as I know how to take care of it and control it with diet and know what happens if I don't so I will be super vigilant in taking care of myself. I also know that since I do have chronic hypertension I will have a higher risk of pregnancy induced hypertension. However, I also plan to take care of myself as much as possible prior to pregnancy and during pregnancy and feel this is something that can be managed. My doctor wasn't worried about it so I'll deal with it. I may end up on bed rest for a while (hence my feeling that I need a savings account just in case) and if I end up having the baby early, at least I know the nurses and doctors who will be taking care of my baby really well and know that my baby will get the best possible care. So, all is good now. Just figuring out the timing of when to start. I still would love Feb. but may be good and wait until April. Of course, patience isn't really my strong suit once I get something in my mind.

winter time in the NW

Well, it's been a long last few days, or week I guess. I worked last week 6 nights in a row, my last being the night before Thanksgiving. When I got off work on Thanksgiving morning, I came home, slept for 2 hours then went to my chosen family's house for Thanksgiving. Then Saturday I left for Seattle to visit my best friend and then I was supposed to work 3 nights at a hospital over there as a traveling nurse. I worked the first night and it went well, then the second night, they cancelled my shift. I left my motel room to go get some dinner and it started snowing shortly after I left. It took me almost 4 hours to go about 8 miles to the store, get some food and find a way back to my motel room. Yuck. Then I started getting nervous as to what the mountain pass would be like to get home on Wednesday. So, I called the agency I work for, apologized profusely and told them I wouldn't be available Tuesday night as I was leaving for home. It took me a while to get out of Seattle as all the roads were like ice skating rinks but once I got out of Seattle the going wasn't too bad and so now I am safely home in Spokane. Of course now the problem is that the traveling job was supposed to be my second job to pay off bills and now I think it's fairly evident that this isn't going to be much of an option for the winter months. Granted I was entirely sure that it was going to work as I didn't know how cost effective it would be going over there, staying in a motel etc compared to what I would be making. But I'm really feeling like I won't be ready to start ttc in February like I had planned. My bills might be paid down/off but there wouldn't be any savings to fall back on and I really think that is going to be a neccessity. I'm bummed about that, but not quite as much as I had thought. I know that I won't ever have EVERYTHING paid off but I do feel a need to have as much as possible paid off since right now there is no way I could afford daycare etc. Plus I do feel like I need to have at least some savings as I will quite possibly end up having to take extra time off work. Another thing is that part of the reason I had moved my date to start ttc up to Feb. is that I wanted a Christmas baby (and I'm anxious to get started). My best friend whose birthday is a couple days before Christmas told me that she has never liked having her birthday that close to Christmas as has everyone else with a December birthday whom I've asked. So I had originally planned to start ttc in June, then changed to Feb. Now I'm looking at April or so. That's kind of a happy medium in between. Now if only I could acheive some patience. Haha. I'm obsessed with the whole prgenancy idea, I absolutely can't wait to be pregnant. But I will have to. Of course I may change my mind again but we'll wait and see what happens.

thanks to all

Thanks again to everyone who commented on my coworkers lousy behavior. It really did make me feel better. As I was typing it yesterday I started to see just how negative she had been. Then last night working with her I realized she was like that about EVERYTHING! No matter what I had to say about whatever topic, she had to tell me I was wrong and it was really a different way. Needless to say, I tried to just avoid her for the day. Hopefully she won't be there tonight. Thanks again and I am off to bed. I have to be up early so that I can try to win the diaper bag I want on e-bay. Hehe. I know, I'm bad.

discouraged

Well, I'm feeling a bit discouraged the last couple of days. So far I have been soooo sure I could do this and it's not that I'm having second thoughts really, just feeling discouraged over the whole TTC thing. Mostly due to a friendly co-worker who meant well. I had seen a new physician back in September and discussed ttc with her and she was so supportive and didn't seem to think it would be a problem for me, even with my weight and chronic hypertension (well managed mostly with meds). I've had a bit of problem adjusting with my new med for BP but seem to be doing pretty well with it. I also am so excited about my plans to ttc that I do talk about it a lot, therefore have told many people from work etc about my plans and most people have been either supportive or noncommital. I had a coworker though on Saturday night who spent a great deal of time seeming like she was trying to discourage me. She pointed out that with my weight that I should figure on having to take an additional 12 to 18 weeks off work before I deliver due to hypertension or pre term labor, that likely my baby will be in the NICU with an uncertain outcome, the expense, stress of all this etc. She asked if I had considered having gastric bypass surgery before I get pregnant. When I had listened to her advice and statement that I should "do what I need to" and I responded that I still want to try but that if it doesn't work, I will start looking into the process of a foreign adoption. Then she proceeded to go on about how that wasn't the best idea, that she knew someone who did foreign adoption and got a child with severe health and mental issues and that the countries lie etc. Then pointed out how she just couldn't justify a foreign adoption since there are so many kids here in the US that need to be adopted. I tried to explain my reasoning for prefering the foreign adoption such as that I really want a baby and not a toddler or older child (long story there as far as why) and that at least with some of these countries, you can get them fairly young. She was telling me how great the foster adopt program is here and she got her foster daughter etc but admits that she could lose her if mom gets her act together and the state decides to give the baby back to the mom. I didn't think I could do that but she kept telling me that you just don't think of the baby as yours until you sign the papers making it so. Yeah, right. Like that's going to work. All I can see that way is a whole lot of heart break. Plus, the reason these babies have been taken away from parents is usually because the parents are on drugs. While I don't totally rule out a baby exposed to drugs in utero, it scares me since they just really don't know what the long term outcome is. So, after that whole conversation, I ended up feeling very discouraged and a little blue. I know that I don't need her approval and I also know that I will encounter people who disagree with my decision to have a baby either because it's wrong in their thoughts for me to be a single parent or because they think I'm too heavy or whatever. It still is really bugging me though. I do realize that it will be higher risk for me than for some others. However, there is no guarantee that if I lost a ton of weight that I would fare better or that my BP would resolve or anything else. I know that I may end up with a baby in the NICU but that can happen to people who don't have weight problems and there are people with weight problems who do fine. Besides, at least I know all the doctors and nurses in the NICU who would be taking care of my baby if it came to that. I also know what sort of things to expect with various gestational ages. So basically, I am more stressed now and need to calm down and relax and quit letting what she thinks of me affect me and how I think of myself and my plans. Yes, easier said than done.

November 16th

I'm getting so much more excited. My CBFM monitor arrived today. I will take it to work tomorrow night and clean it with wipes so it's definitely all fresh. Just in case, we wouldn't want anyone elses lingering germies. It also came with 11 sticks that go with it. Plus I just ordered another box of those and a box of the opk midstream testers. Those will be easier to use at work so that's why I got them. Then on Thanksgiving or the day after, I can start using the monitor. Figures that AF is due to arrive on Thanksgiving. February is getting closer all the time!!! And unless my cycle does some drastic rearranging of itself between now and February, I will be planning to AI around the end of Feb. I can hardly wait. Part of me would love to start now but I know it will all be better if I wait a few more months.

sad news

I just finished talking with my best friend whom I've known for 24 years. She called me to tell me that her 16 year old daughter is pregnant. She's known for about 3 weeks now and has been going through this without talking to me since she was afraid to tell me as she knows I am hoping to get pregnant. It's hard to know exactly what I'm feeling right now. I feel for my friend who has to see her "baby" going through this. I feel for her daughter who is losing a part of her childhood as she is forced to make some very grown up decisions, none of which are easy. So far it looks as if her daughter has decided on an abortion which I think my friend feels a little guilty that she is relieved about. I can understand where she is coming from though. I know that I wouldn't want my 16 year old having a baby and raising it if it could be avoided. She would lose forever what is left of her childhood. Her entire life would change drastically. I know that as a parent, my friend wants what is best for her daughter first and foremost just as I would want if it was my daughter. I can't say there isn't a part of me though that doesn't feel a small bit of hurt. Hurt that it's not me pregnant. Hurt that it was so easy for someone so young and unprepared for this journey. Although I have never tried getting pregnant before so I don't know if it will be difficult or easy for me. There was a momentary thought about adoption, and that maybe it could work. However I know that is unlikely. I read something the other day on a pro-choice site that it is very damaging to a young girl/woman to actually go through the process of adoption as they have carried the child and then given it up, to forever have a hole in their life. That may not sound like it makes much sense but what I read really did seem to make sense to me, it's hard to explain though.
Some would say that the abortion is wrong and she is doing something evil. While I don't think I could ever have an abortion myself, I don't think it's my place to judge someone else or to take another persons choice away. I know that I support my friend completely just as she has supported me many, many times. I want was is best for her daughter also. It's just sad to me that this situation exists. A situation with no easy answers.

I love e-bay

Ok, so I love e-bay. Am actually probably addicted to e-bay. What a fun way to shop. It's not just shopping and picking something out but the thrill of winning and the excitement of getting a good deal on something. All from my own home in my jammies. So I've been watching e-bay for a number of things that I really want to get if I can find them. But I got one the other day. I got a ClearBlue Easy Fertility monitor. Ok, so some may say it's gross to get one that is used by someone else, but these things are cleanable and it's not like they peed on the monitor itself. Or at least I hope not. Plus, I can get this super powerful Antimicrobial wipes things at the hospital where I work to clean it off. These wipes are pretty heavy duty and kill just about every germ imaginable. But I got a great deal as the monitor was 50.00. Yippee. Now something else to be obsessed with. Opk's, monitors, calanders etc.
I'm of course still watching e-bay for other things. There is a daisy kingdom tree skirt (christmas) that I used to have and lost (very long story) that I would love to replace. I found the stockings that match it and replaced them but still looking for the tree skirt. And I'm looking for a Brighton Mirabella diaper bag. A discontinued item that can't be purchased new any longer (probably a good thing as I'm just enough of a crazy shopaholic who loves Brighton stuff that I might actually be compelled to pay 300.00 for a diaper bag) which I have seen a few times on e-bay. Now I suppose I should look at what I can sell to make up for what I buy!!

more opks

Ok, so last night I was going a little bit loony thinking maybe I'm not ovulating and went to Wallys world (wal-mart and boy do I love the fact that they are open 24 hours) and bought a different brand of opks. I got the answer opks. So, I spent the rest of the night testing with the dollar store opks almost everytime I went to the bathroom which probably wouldn't have been accurate as my urine was pretty dilute but I kept trying and never even got a second line. Then today I woke up to go to the bathroom and did my temp before I got out of bed and then went back to bed after potty break. Woke up at 3:30pm and did another dollar store opk and got a second line that was much lighter than the control line so pulled out one of the answer tests and got a positive opk. Yippee!!!!! That made me feel so much better. Plus I still have the EWCM and so I think ovulation is imminent. Plus, I got the positive in the afternoon so I know that I can test when I get up in the afternoon and it will still be accurate. So, I can quit worrying about that. I'll try my temp again tomorrow just to see if it goes up. Thanks Tracey for the input on temping. I don't know how well temping will work for me either but for now will keep trying.

still charting

Well, I'm still working on charting my cycle etc but don't know how far I'm getting. I have a hard time temping because I sleep during the day but have been trying. The last two days though haven't worked as the one day I layed there in bed half awake for a good 10 minutes before remembering to take my temp and then today I'm coming down with a cold (crap!) and had slept with my mouth open and my temp was only 96.9. I may have to switch to temping vaginally. I'm on CD 14 and I've been doing the opk's for the last 3 days at least 3 times per day and as of yet, I still haven't gotten a positive. My CM this morning was egg white cm. I don't know if the problem though is that I'm using the dollar tree cheapies to test. I hate to spend a bunch of money for just charting on opk's but I don't know if the problems are with the test, or with me. I hope it's not a problem with me. I don't know for sure what time of the day to test either so I may just be missing it I suppose. I work nights and even on my days off, tend to stick to the same schedule of sleeping during the day. So, I can't figure out if I should still stick to the time that is recommended (during the afternoon) or if I should switch and test during MY afternoon which is like 2 am. I've been testing when I first get up at around 4pm, and then at say 8am. I haven't tried testing at 2am yet as I have worked the last 3 nights and I haven't figured out the logistics of testing at work as the tests I've been using aren't the pee on a stick variety but instead, pee in a cup and the drop onto test and wait up to 10 minutes. So, for next month, I definitely need some different opks. On the health conciousness note, I haven't checked my BP in a couple of days but it had been running ok. However it might be high right now. I have been taking a diuretic for the last couple of months in addition to my BP meds just because my feet sometimes swell some. Well, I think the diuretic dries up my CM and makes it difficult to differentiate betweeen the different types of CM. So, this month I decided to skip the diuretic for a few days so I could get a better idea of my CM. Then I had a hell night at work where I had 4 babies, one of whom was very difficult to care for and had like no time to drink water like usual. Now my ankles are HUGE. Bigger than they have ever been and that has me a little bit freaked out. So, tonight I'm off work and my goal is to sit on my hiney and try to get rid of the swelling in my feet. Oh, that and go grocery shopping since I now have a fridge and need some food in it.

November 7th

Well, I am feeling a little better about stuff. I bought a new refrigerator. Expensive, more than I wanted to pay, but hey, at least I am getting rid of that awful ugly gold thing. Now the stove needs to go although I probably shouldn't say that too loud or it may decide to break also. My new fridge is being delivered tomorrow morning when I get home from work and there is a guy coming over tomorrow evening to see what it will take to hook up a water line so that the ice maker and filtered water things work. Yippee!!!!!! Now, I can go grocery shopping again. I can't keep eating out daily, it's too expensive and not that healthy since I'm not great at making healthy choices when eating out.
On the TTC front, I signed up yesterday for the flexible spending account at work for the year of 2007. This account will help with my AI expenses which will be good as they aren't covered by my insurance of course. When I went to the benefits fair yesterday and asked about it, at first they said no it wasn't covered but she didn't even know that fertility treatments were covered under the FSA. I called the administrator for the FSA and after some investigation, they did confirm that AI is covered. Thank goodness. I had a hard time deciding how much to take out of my checks to cover this. I didn't want to take out so much that I ended up losing money at the end of the year but I know that the AI can get expensive if it takes multiple tries. I ended up opting to take out 2000 for the year which seems like a lot but I realize it can be gone quickly. I figure if I get lucky and it works on the first or second try, then if I have leftover, I can try to get the lasik eye surgery done. But, I think that I will probably use most of the 2000. This is all seeming so much more real. It feels like it's so far off before I will be pregnant but really, February isn't that far off anymore. So, in January I can purchase my spermies. I already keep checking on the catalog what donors I want but know I should wait and see what is available in January. I think I will purchase 4 specimens to start. Then if I need it, I have 4 tries since I'm doing Dr. assisted IUI and she said we would need 1 specimen per try (I could also go to 2 specimens I suppose if it's not working with one). If I do get lucky and get pg right away, then I could have extra samples for possibly trying to conceive a full sibling later. So much more to do in the next few months. But I'm heading in the right direction.

More expenses

Well, another expense has just been added to my life. My refrigerator just died. I still haven't financially caught up from having surgery in September, and now my fridge is dead. Crap. Granted, I really wanted to get rid of the ugly, old, gold thing but this wasn't quite how or when I had envisioned doing this. I may end up having to wait until the end of the month to buy a new one. Now if only one of my second jobs could pick up and get me working. I have 2 that I have been working on getting set up with (both per diem nursing stuff) since the beginning of October. Plus I also have an interview coming up at another hospital in town for their NICU and if I got that, I wouldn't work for the 2 agencies most likely. It would be what I'm doing and 12 hour shifts which would be a lot better. I'm worried that all this is going to delay my plans to start trying to get pregnant in Feb or March. Which I suppose isn't a horrible thing if I have to wait an additional several months but I just had my heart set on a Christmas baby. I wish stuff like this would quit happening. I suppose it's that whole thing about making God laugh by making plans.

November 2

Well, my blood pressure seems to be getting a little bit better just the last couple of days with me making an effort to go for a walk. So, I'll keep doing that. Maybe even sign up for the gym at work since it's so cheap and I rarely make myself go walk when I get off work in the morning. I went for a long walk yesterday and not so long walk today. Today was less than a mile because guess what happened right after I started walking?? It started SNOWING!!! yuck. It's funny really. I spent almost a year in California and hated summer (way too hot) and enjoyed fall a lot although I had a very hard time getting into the Christmas spirit since it never really felt like winter/christmas time. But I really don't like snow. I would love it to snow on Dec 23rd and leave again on the 26th. That isn't going to happen here though.
I want really bad to get started with the whole ttc thing. I am so anxious to get started. I check in on NW's chat board at least several times a day (or night as usually I am up at night) and check my blog etc. And I'm not even officially trying yet. Of course I'm kind of bored with a lot of time at home and not much to do. Or at least not much I want to do. I'm charting myCM and my cycle days etc. I'm also doing opk's during the week where there is a definite change in my CM so I'm getting a good idea on my cycle. I would like to do temps also but had a pretty hard time with that as I sleep days and very rarely wake up at the same time. I should try that again. Not sure how though. I hate to set my alarm for a specific time during the day and then not be able to go back to sleep. Maybe next month I'll try again.

Worried

So I'm starting to get a bit worried about my blood pressure. I have had high blood pressure for a couple of years now and for the most part, it has been very well controlled on medication. When I saw my OB/Gyn in September she said she wasn't worried about it since it was well controlled, at that time it was running about 115/70 which was great. But I was taking an ACE inhibitor which isn't allowed for pregnancy. So I switched to Labatelol which is a beta blocker and it isn't working as well. I've been running about 130-150 over about 80 for the last couple of months and finally went to my doctor (not OB/Gyn) last week to see about adjusting. I know that beta blockers are the preferred med for pregnant women but I also know that they do Procardia sometimes also. He didn't really want to prescribe the procardia and he upped my dose of my current med during the day time. However it still isn't going down. I am still at the same level I was before I increased my med. It is frustrating as I know that I need this under control before I get pregnant. I'm trying not to eat much salt and trying to eat good in general. I also am working on (recently) getting better about exercising so hopefully it will go down in a week or two. I guess if that doesn't work, I will try to call the OB doc and see what she thinks I should do. I know that stressing about it won't help to lower it either. It's just frustrating me like crazy. Sometimes I hate my body and how it won't cooperate.