I'm Here

Well, I finally made it to my apartment this morning and it's a really nice apartment in a nice area of town. Thanks to my helper Bleu who told me what was and wasn't a good area. Yes I know I was supposed to be here yesterday but it all worked out fine. Yesterday I slept in, until almost 10am. I needed that really bad as I haven't been sleeping very well. So I didn't hit Sac early enough to get into my apartment so I got here this morning after much driving around in circles to find a branch of my bank. Funny thing (or maybe not per my perspective this am in the car) the cats did so well the last 2 days in the car with getting settled in and sleeping. This morning I put them in the car and they were like "nope, done with the car" They squawked the entire drive. I had put an ad on C*raigs place last night and within 15 minutes had 3 responses so I had 2 people show up this morning to unload the trailer for me. Now I just have to finish unpacking it all. I've got all my craft stuff which is nice. I'm looking forward to getting started on doing my quilting and rubber stamping again. Although it did occur to me yet again today, for a traveling nurse, who could possibly move every 3 months, I really need to get better at the traveling light thing.
So I've spent all day with the tune from 0scar Me*yer in my head (the wiener one no pun intended) but I've been thinking the words "oh I wish I had some little spermies" to the tune. I think I've now gone completely crazy. But I have this really strange thing creeping in which may end up smacking me in the face. It's hope. And yes I am maybe being stupid about it. I've been having that pain on the left side again. I still don't know if it's the cyst or whatever the hell it was but it's basically coinciding with ovulation again. I have never before felt ovulation pain except when I was actually forcing ovulation with meds but it's there, second month in a row. I also have CM again which is nice as I haven't had that for a couple of months. I also happened to run across some opks while I was at home. There were 2 from the 24 pack I purchased a year or so ago from NW. They never worked. I not only never actually got a positive opk on them, I never even got a second line. The only ones that ever worked for me were answer and clear blue not so easy. So for shits and giggles today I peed on one. And it was positive. So what does that mean. Am I completely crazy to think/wonder if the IVF/miscarriage did something to sort of kick start my body into doing what its supposed to? Of course it still doesn't matter much since I have absolutely no access to sperm. Crap. So Monday I will make an appointment with the new doctor I want to see and continue to hope that maybe this might work this time.

Half Way There

Well I'm at about the half way point on my drive and it wasn't too bad of a drive so far. Started a little later this morning than I had planned thanks to the f'ing insomnia. I'm sooooo sick of not being able to go to sleep.
I cried when I left. I felt so bad leaving Sadie there. I hate the idea of making her live in an apartment and for what it's worth I know she adores HS by the way she goes crazy when he pulls up in front of the house but am feeling guilty as I feel like I've abandoned my dog (and the responsibility of being a dog owner) in my quest to have a baby. Not really the best feeling.
The drive like I said wasn't bad. Scooby is pulling the trailer fine and the trailer really isn't that full so I suppose that helps. I did stop some today and try to get some pics. When I get to Sac and get settled a bit I will have to load all my pics in my computer, see which ones turned out ok and post some on my flickr site. I also will yes post pics in a couple weeks of project pink flamingo.
Tonight I will get some sleep I hope. Thanks for everyone who went over and clicked on Our Own Creations site. The goal met and exceeded.

Outta Here

So tomorrow I am out of here. Off to Sacrament0. Excited, a bit apprehensive about what will happen here etc but we'll see. I have my little uhaul trailer all packed up and all I need to do is load up the cats. I will be signing the paperwork tonight to list my house and we'll see what happens with that. I also am figuring though that I likely will be coming home in September for a bit to finish packing things up here and figure out what else to do, or at least if the house doesn't sell. I'm feeling more and more like this situation doesn't work for me and wish I had decided to stick to my guns but oh well. I learn new things every dang day whether I want to or not. For now Sadie will be continuing to stay here since that was the plan but I will be trying to figure that out over the next 3 months as well. I miss her and while I worry about making her live in an apartment and wanting to do what is best for her not to mention also about being able to find rentals with a dog and two cats I will have to work around it somehow if I can't find a different option here.

I have had a great time at home. I've gotten to visit with many people that I didn't know if I would have time to see which has been great. I have set in motion my embarrass the ex boy friend plans. I should explain that a bit though lest you all think I am really a bitch. I have an ex-boyfriend. Who is my ex for a reason but we have managed to remain friends for the last 4.5 years. He's a great guy most all the time who has really done a lot to help me out etc. He also has a birthday coming up. One of those big milestone sort of birthdays. The one that starts with 5 and ends with 0. I've been planning for this for 2 years. For the guy who usually doesn't really acknowledge his birthday. Yesterday I took out a birthday sort of ad in the newspaper to be published on his birthday with a nice pic of him at 5 or so. I also have purchased 47 (all Tar*get had) pink flamingos which will mysteriously end up in his yard that morning along with 3 other borrowed flamingos. He also thinks I'm not going to make it back to town for his birthday since I'm starting a new job. Hehehe. Me and his mom are going to plant the flamingos in the middle of the night and hope that we don't get caught or that no police etc are involved. We can't wait. It will be such fun.



Now I have one other thing to sort of spread the word about for Thursday. This is a post I got from Mel's blog over at Stirrup Queens and I think it's important so I thought I would pass the word along. She said we could copy.

I ask you to do a lot. This time, it is simply a small click. Perhaps more
than once during the day, maybe moving around to different computers if you work
in a space with multiple computers. I, for one, am hitting a local library where
I can log-on each computer and click once.It is such an enormously small
thing--a click.The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever"
on Wordpress because
it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional
well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to
do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.On Thursday, May 29,
please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help
replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone
needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week,
it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing
this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and
place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.We
need 2,350 people to visit Our
Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.

Do They Have A 12 Step Program For That??

So I've come to realize yet again and yes I've actually known this for quite a while but it is very clear to me that I'm am still to put it quite frankly, An Approval Whore. Yes, that's me. The thought of someone feeling unhappy with me, upset by me, cheated by me etc pretty much drives me crazy and nearly makes me want to give away whatever I can to make that person happy. But see I've been under the delusion that in the last few years I've gotten better, grown a back bone and all that. And maybe I have since I've tried to ignore very hard lately the thought that someone I may have considered a friend was upset with me for reasons unknown to me or that work was upset with me in SB for leaving after I had said I would stay etc. Life goes on, can't please everyone and all that. Then this whole what to do with my house stuff came up. I knew I needed to either sell or more money coming in to cover the house payment. I told HS (house sitter) that I needed to rent and ended up feeling guilty about it. Finally gave in and said that I would go for a roommate as long as I could leave Sadie here for now, leave my stuff here etc. I had been letting him stay here as a house sitter sort of role for $300 a month and I paid the utilities (including cable TV and internet). I figured that if I rented the house out I would get probably $700 a month plus they pay the utilities and I would have to put my stuff in storage which would cost me around a hundred plus if I did go with a management company I would have that expense. I have since been told by a neighbor that she had friends who would be willing to rent for $700 a month and she would help watch the property which would eliminate the need for a management company however I had already offered to let HS stay. I told him that for a small increase to $500 a month for rent and him take over the utilities, I'd leave things as is which is basically a fully furnished house and a large 2 car garage that has some of my stuff out there but has left plenty of room for his motorcycle, his girlfriends jet skis and some random furniture she has that she uses as staging furniture in vacant houses (all of which I'm sure saves her money on storage also). To me this seems like a fair amount for a furnished house (I don't think he really has much furniture since he has none stored here) and near as I could tell he thought that sounded like a good idea as well. I told him that I wanted this to basically be carried out or start by June 1. So for the month of May he told me he was sending me more money and I got $500 . No other explanation, just that he was sending me more money. For the record I have felt bad that since I've been home he hasn't been able to stay here as he is allergic to the girlies. I had asked and he said it should be fine but he started sneezing profusely as soon as he walked into the house. I paid the utilities this month and figured that was fair all things considered. So today I finally called him to say hey, we need to talk about what the plan is for when I leave as far as the utilities that you are supposed to be paying and haven't mentioned since I've been here. He had also asked last week if I was taking Sadie with me. Umm, no I thought that we had established that as a reason for you to continue getting pretty cheap rent for a furnished house. So it seems we pretty much got that worked out as far as utilities go. Then he mentioned what was the rent for the month of June. When I told him he wanted to know if this was in addition to the money he had sent in May that was extra he sent me since he had it and had been intended for June. Well, yes that had been the plan. Even if the extra had been for June (which he never said that's what it was) that extra along with the usual amount that I had asked for would equal the new amount I had told him that I needed. So here I am feeling like I'm asking too much for the month of June and feeling bad and like I should offer to let him have June for just another hundred. And I'm pissed at myself again for feeling the need to please, to make someone else happy, in spite of what my needs are. When he stopped by the house tonight it took all I could do to make myself shut the hell up and not offer to pay him or something. I hate this pathological need to please everyone else. Makes me nuts.
On a somewhat happier note (yeah right not like it's going to do me any good) if my body is on track and it usually is, ovulation should be in the next day or two. I'm trying not to think about how much I wish I could get my hands on some sperm and where I could get my hands on some and telling myself it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference anyways.

Go...Go...Go...

Yup, that's me the last few days. I can't say I've accomplished a lot but I have had fun. I've been trying to get out and see friends and all that. Yesterday I took my friend to have a pedicure for her birthday and she loved it. We had a lot of fun together. Then today I had lunch with house sitters significant other who was my real estate agent and became my friend, introduced me to house sitter last year. It was nice getting to visit with her and I got some information that made me really look at everything. I feel like I have more decisions to make but then I also feel as if I've made them and just need to carry them out.
I mentioned the other day that I felt a bit weird at the thought of someone else using my stuff in my house. I know this is what I had started at the beginning but there were some things I didn't consider and it has been a very odd thought of someone else in my house. Especially the idea of someone else's certain activities in my bed, activities which I've never even gotten to do there. Kinda grosses me out. A lot. However the idea of renting my house outright to strangers who may trash my house or drastically alter things isn't my favorite idea either. At least with house sitter, I know he's taking care of things. I've also known all along that I would really much rather just sell my house instead of renting or having anyone live there. So after talking to K today I have decided I think that I'm going to list my house. According to her things are selling in the area and I would most likely get more than I thought out of it. I figure I can list it and see what happens. If it doesn't sell, I'm not any worse off than I was before. If it does, than I'm better off. I would really rather not have a house payment and a rent payment. I also don't know when/if I am coming home and it would be nice to not have that much money going out. Worth it to at least try I think. So I have a few small things that need to be done before I can list it but I think this is the direction I'm heading. It really sort of feels like a relief. I love my house for just myself but it is smaller than what I wanted. Plus with me being gone long term, just worrying about what to fix, what's happening etc has been stressful. If it sold, that would be one less thing to worry about.
Otherwise my week has went fairly well. I am pretty sure I have an apartment in Sac and I do have a lot of stuff packed up, I just need to get busy with actually getting it out to the garage. I need to go through a few more things and finish figuring out what all will go back to Ca with me. Now I have plans to meet a few more people in the next few days and am excited about that.

A Funny and A Meme

Ok so I changed up the funny that many have likely seen before but I couldn't resist changing it a bit or sharing. Hope you get a chuckle.

IVF Cycle Jewelry

My husband unhappy with my mood swings,he bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*kin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

And now for the 4 things meme (which I will probably change a bit too, I know I'm not much of a follow the rules type of girl).

4 Things I did 10 years ago (oh God my memory may not be that good)

1. Sat around and cried a lot (this was way before Vitamin P)

2. Was trying to do the church thing to make my mom happy.

3. Went to phlebotomy school (ooh what fun, needles and poking people)

4. Filed bankruptcy.

Obviously this really wasn't my best year.

4 things I did 5 years ago

1. I started Nursing school!!

2. I moved into a super cute little rental house where I lived for 3 years which was like some kind of record for me. (or maybe this was 6 years ago, memory it's the first thing to go right?)

3. I went to Las Vegas for the first time ever (it was so cool, except that it was really hot, like 110 or something).

4. I bought a swing for my yard and I would go out there in the evening and sit lay there and watch the stars. I also planted a bunch of flowers at my rental (I drove by today and they are still blooming).

4 things I did yesterday

1. Had a fantastic dinner at my friends house. She made my favorite, fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy. Yumm.

2. Watched 2 and a half men.

3. Played on my computer.

4. Made a doctors appointment.

sort of a slow day.

4 shows I like (only 4???)

1. NCIS (season finale tonight and I have this bad feeling that they are going to kill someone off which pisses me off.)

2. CSI (totally pissed off at that season finale with the murder of my favorite character)

3. ER (yup pissed at this one too, what's with killing people off at the end of the season, do the writers still not have all the strike stuff out of their system??)

4. Law and Order SVU (totally missed that season finale and maybe this was for the best?)

4 things I like to do

1. Read books, almost any kind but N0ra R0berts is like mind candy to me.

2. Craft stuff. Rubber stamping, scrapbooking and am trying to do quilting.

3. Spend time with friends

4. play on my computer

And that's annoying. I've went in and put spaces in between catagories now twice and blogger keeps taking them away.

Thanks

Thank you everyone for getting me and my mood last night. I just feel lately like I'm constantly on the verge of tears and it's making me crazy. Part of that is the lack of vitamin P in my life but I hate to get myself back on my med if I'm just going to go back off it again in a month. Because I still have this theory that I can maybe manage a pregnancy (should I ever manage to get and stay pregnant) without my little happy pills. But yet without I feel this almost constant feeling of teetering on the edge. Sucks. Big time.
It's also a bit strange being home. When I'm in California I love it there, especially San*ta Bar*bara and would love to find a way to stay there and never have to see snow again unless I chose to. Then I come home and am reminded about what I love about home the other 8-9 months of the year. Plus the whole thing of what I want to do about my house. Don't get me wrong, I have it mostly figured out but then I start to question myself. For now it's looking as if house sitter will be staying here, getting a room mate so that between the 2 of them they can pay me more and pay the utilities. I am for the most part ok about this. It saves me packing up my entire house and putting it in storage and repainting my fabulous navy blue wall in the living room and my caramel walls in my bedroom etc. He doesn't care about the walls and such. However my stuff is all here and in all honesty the idea of someone else using my stuff is a bit strange. It's not that I'm upset with him but it's a very weird feeling. And I miss my stuff. I miss using my dishes that I love and my cookware and all that. Yes I am aware it's just stuff and it's not the most important thing but it's the stuff that made my house feel like home. I've spent the last year feeling like I was living in a hotel or something since other than my TV I bought the cheapest and most portable things I could find. I do plan to take a few things back to California with me to help feel more at home etc. And yes I know that I could just give up the travel nursing thing and come home but it would also pretty much mean giving up TTC. Because I would have the income to use and what I could continue to do would be greatly limited without going into debt and having debt as a single mom isn't the best choice for me. So I keep going. But sometimes I wonder how long it will last, especially when I'm at home.
For now I'm getting out and getting together with friends. I'm having fun. Of course I need to start packing up this second bedroom pretty soon here or there will be no space for a room mate.

Anyone Else

So I'm feeling a bit moody or something. Or maybe bitchy is the more appropriate word.
Is it just me or is anyone else sick of hearing about super fertile stars who have tons of money too. It's not that I begrudge them (her) or anyone the fertility or having babies or having tons of money and being able to go through multiple foreign adoptions with what seems like complete ease. It's just that I'm envious that not only is the adoption thing totally within their reach but having children just by having sex seems to be pretty easy too. Then in talking to a friend last night he told me about his neighbor who was drunk and passed out in the front yard and he had to help her in (me I would have left her drunk ass there) and then mentioned her kids. She has 2. And what a lovely environment for them to grow up in with mom doing this on a daily basis. Why can someone like that have children and yet there are so many of us that are trying so freaking desperately to have children. Which then leads me to the thought that all I can figure is that God is just sitting back and watching the world go by because if he's actually taking part in all this, I'd like to know where. Yes, I'm back to being a bit annoyed with God these days too. I know no one ever promised life would be fair but come on. This sucks. I suppose this is a bit of a pity party. I feel like the things I've wanted all my life are forever out of reach.

Home

I made it. I'm home. And when I'm away for quite a while I'm always surprised at home comfortable it seems. The drive was so long. I hate that part. Today I so did not want to be in the car. I'm sick to my stomach from all the snack junk I've eaten in the last few days. I'm also tired. And my feet are so puffy from spending so much time sitting in the car. Yuck. I'm going to sleep tonight and tomorrow get started on all the things I have to get done in the next week. Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Long Drive

So today was the sort of pretty/fascinating part of my drive. The highway runs along a line of dormant volcano's many of which can be seen and are beautiful. I did skip the trip up to Crater lake today because I did it 2 years ago at this time of the year and much of the road was still closed because of snow. Also because I was tired of being in the car and didn't want to add another 2 hours to my trip. I love Bend and should make it a point to come back here some time and stay for a weekend or something. I may also leave a little later tomorrow and go back up to some lava fields and look around a bit. The girls are doing wonderful in the car. Sara cries a bit when we first get in and sometimes when we stop but Luna has been wonderful. With the exception that she wants to come sit on me. I wouldn't mind her on my lap if she would be still but no, she wants to sit on my boobs. And they aren't that big to provide a shelf space to sit on. Which gets her tossed back into the back seat. Where she actually seems to stay pretty well. They do so well though for cats. So I'll be home tomorrow. And someone asked if I was moving home, nope. Just packing up some of my stuff so J can get a roommate. Plus just some time at home to spend with some friends. Now I think I'll go to bed and see if I can get rid of my headache.

Man It's Hot Here

So I made it to Sacramento today. And was it hot. It has cooled off quite nicely though as promised. A lot going on in the last few days. But then as any of you who read my blog know, my life is rarely ever boring. First off, I have a job. With the new recruiter who was trying to get me to sign. Old recruiter last week submitted me, when I called him yesterday he wanted to know if the facility had called me as he was under the understanding they were planning to. Here we are 2 days later and no call from them. However I had spoken to new recruiter on Mon and said start submitting me. Tuesday evening someone called to interview me and I was in the shower. I stood there dripping all over and asked if we could postpone and she said she would call me back later. She called yesterday, explained the facility to me and while it's not quite what I would have hoped for, I accepted on the thought that it's only 13 weeks and then if it's miserable I can move on. So, job taken care of in a matter of days. This is a plus. The uhaul finally worked out after threatening e-mails. They wanted me to drive like 50 miles to pick up my trailer. They miraculously found one the day I was to leave in SB. As the guy was hooking it up I kept saying how it looked bigger than the last one, I believe I mentioned 4x8 as the size several times. The guy said nope, it's the same. Turns out it wasn't. It was a 5x8 which my car had a little harder time pulling. It did it fine but it really slowed me down a lot on the hills. Good to know though it will work. Trailer is unload (in 98 degree weather, Yuck) and trailer is now gone and scooby feels so free without all that weight holding her back. Yes I've named my car.
The whole week has been crazy. I didn't sleep hardly at all for the 3 days I worked. I couldn't shut my brain off long enough to sleep. I almost murdered the U*P*S man who stood outside my open window knocking on the door next door and hollering "hello, it's U*P*S*" a short hour after I went to sleep, thus waking the cats and sending them into play mode and prevented me from sleeping even longer. Oh and the best story of my crazy time the last few days. I had packed up my suitcase and zipped it up, set it on the floor, getting ready to take it out to the car to load up. I noticed a minute or so later that I heard a noise. A strange noise but one that seemed vaguely familiar. I looked and looked around. Finally it hit me what the noise was. My special friend Bob in my suitcase had his buttons pushed and got turned on. Oh boy. Can you imagine if it was at the damn airport. I laughed so hard, then had to call my friend and tell her about it and we laughed some more. So tomorrow I'm off again to B*end Oreg0n and then on Saturday all the way home. The girls are traveling well as usual. It amazes me how well they do in the car for cats. I have some avocados to take home that I picked out of the tree that hung over the parking lot and am hoping to stop and pick up some good strawberries. Now if I can just fight off this sore throat that is trying to happen all will be good.
Oh and pepper and deena, I will get to that meme eventually.

4 Days and Counting

Wow, time is flying fast. I leave here in 4 days. I went down to the beach today and was sad. Sad that I'm leaving this fantastic place even though it really feels like this is what I need to do in my quest for a baby. I have most everything packed. I can't pack the toaster, microwave or toiletries until like Wed right before I load it all in the car. I need to borrow a vacuum from someone so I can clean up in here. I'm hoping all of this fits in my trailer that I've rented. It should. I haven't really bought much new stuff. I'm ready to go though mostly. I would pack up my TV tonight but I think that Tuesday night is the season finale of N*C*I*S, it definitely is for Law *Order S*V*U and I hate to miss those. So I guess I leave it out until Wed. morning so I can watch it all when I get home. I'm taking my lap top home with me but don't know how much I will be signing on while on the road. I figure it's going to take 3 days to drive it. One day to Sac and I will stop for the night there, partially because I have to unload the trailer there which reminds me that I need to find a storage unit there to store my belongings for a couple of weeks. Then one day to Re*dm0nd, 0reg0n which is usually where I stop to stay the night. Then on to home. I could possibly do it in 2 but I really hate to spend 10+ hours a day driving. So 3 days it is. The hotels part is sometimes tricky with the cats but I've always managed.
This week I was so tired. Thursday morning when I posted I didn't get to bed until 10:30 and then that evening the first 4 hours of my shift were cancelled but I was called in at 11pm. Basically I dislike working 3 nights in a row, and I'm back to it tonight. So not sure when I will post although I did figure out how to check out blogs from work.

I'm Rich

Yeah, not really. It was however a nice surprise to log in and find my tax rebate has been deposited in my account. At least until I think about the IRS knowing way to much about me. Then the upside is that I don't have to worry about an actual check finding me.
Things are moving along here. I'm not staying in SB although I do have the option of coming back if I wish to. I talked to current recruiter this morning and then I spoke with his boss about the whole thing. I don't think the delay is coming from him. I think it's from somewhere else. He is now working extra hard to find me a contract in Sacr*amento as is the other agency I started working with. I'll see what happens. The funny or not so funny thing is that I haven't been particularly stressed out about the whole moving thing but the talking to T and his boss and telling them my complaints had me shaking and so tense I could hardly move my shoulders. Have I mentioned that I dislike confrontation??? I do. Intensely. So I'm back to work tonight although I am so tired its not even funny. Hopefully I will post more Saturday when I'm off, then you may not hear from me for a couple of days as I will be finishing up here, packing and getting on the road.

Antsy

So I'm getting to that point of having a hard time falling asleep. My mind won't stop. It just goes and goes and goes. I'm excited to take my next step, whatever that is. To Sacra*mento or wherever. In TTC. It's funny, a month or so ago I was still really ambivalent about trying. Not sure I was ready to jump back in the deep end. All of the sudden, I'm ready. I want to try NOW! Of course I'm several days past ovulation but maybe that is what is bringing this on. In the past I've never really had any of the ovulation symptoms unless I was medicated. Other than CM. I've always had really good CM which led me to believe I was in fact ovulating but nothing else. Even when I was temping my charts were sort of not very clear. I think I only had one month where my chart did actually show clearly I ovulated. I don't remember ever having the sore boobs or any of the other stuff. This month I didn't have the CM but I had actual ovulation cramping and my boobs hurt like nobody's business. I find myself wishing I had had some sperm to throw up there last weekend. Or that I could get my hands on some next month. The boobs thing is driving me nuts though. See when I sit at my computer on or the other of my cats will come over to sit with me, usually want to climb in between me and the computer, like half sitting on my or more specifically my boobs. And they frequently step on my nipples. Which makes me want to launch them across the room. I know that they can't help it and totally don't understand that stepping on my nipple is a bad thing but damn that hurts. Hmm. I wonder if I could get some sperm for next month. Probably not but hmm.
In other work news, I still have nothing. I e-mailed my current recruiter on Monday saying "hey I need to know what is going on" and I have still received nothing back from him. Not even an acknowledgement. I have not spoke with the nurse manager of the float pool from work yet but will try to talk to her tomorrow. I feel a bit guilty as I had said I would stay, they trained me for mother infant because I was staying and now it's looking like I'm not staying. I feel guilty because last week I could have really gotten pushy with the whole thing with my recruiter to continue to work on staying here and yet I didn't. I was feeling frustrated with the not getting paid for a day that I was cancelled and with the whole living situation here where rent is so damn expensive and deposits are crazy. I feel a bit like I backed out on what I said I would do however the fact remains that if my recruiter had been on top of things and gotten a contract done right away and signed, we wouldn't be dealing with this. I'd already be signed on to stay. I could have done more but I am sick and tired of having to be the one to take care of everything and push everyone else to do their freaking job. And I feel like with current recruiter that I have to push them to do their job. And maybe I shouldn't be saying all of this on my blog since there is a small chance T my recruiter reads this. I will say though. T, on the off chance you do read my blog, I'm sorry to "bash" you. I like working with you for the most part but I'm feeling a bit neglected and frustrated here by the lack of communication.

Date Night

Well, it went pretty good. And by the end of the night I finally figured out his name. He called me right before he got to the restaurant and I tried the "who is this" but it didn't work because I either couldn't understand or didn't hear what he said. He does have an accent so it could have been either. When he got there we sat and visited and he was nice to visit with. I admit to spending most of the day feeling like I didn't want to do this and thinking up all sorts of things that would make me not like him. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed visiting with him. After dinner we went for a short walk on the beach (restaurant was on the beach). He kept talking about coming back to my apartment. I mentioned that my house was a mess and he kept saying it was ok. I finally got the point across that he really wasn't going to see my apartment so he invited me over to his. I finally just said I was sorry and I really needed to go home and get some stuff done. I told him that if I stayed in SB I would like to get together again. He asked if I had his phone number and I got out a piece of paper and pen and said here, write it down which he did, as an after thought adding his name (THANK GOD!), it's A*r0n. Sorry JP, doesn't even start with a T. Oops. Then after a great evening, as we were leaving he finally mentioned that he was hoping we could spend the night together. Umm. NO.
Which leaves me wondering many things. First off, is this all men want in a date or is it me and they think "hey she's fat and will give it up easy because she will never get any otherwise". Also I'm not a prude and I like sex but I haven't had anyone in years that has made me think I was willing to jump in to bed after one date. Granted yes I've thought about it. Thought about how it still wouldn't make me a slut and all and there are times when I've wished I could just because I'm horny. And many people did this in their 20's and I didn't. But I'm not in my 20's and as much as I wish sometimes I could allow myself to just have no strings attached sex, when the opportunity comes around I can't get myself to follow through. But yet I really don't feel like I'm looking for a relationship right now either.
Anyways, nice enough evening. A little annoying at the end. But good for the most part. Now to pack some more. Yeah right. I manage to get a couple boxes at a time packed. So much of what's left needs to be packed at the last minute.

Gone

Well, the cramping etc are totally gone. Nothing. Zilch. Zip. Nada (I have a cousin named Nada). No twinges or anything. Go figure. So I'm betting that this was ovulation and I just felt it for the first time ever without medications. I have no idea if the cyst is still there or not. I admit that I haven't called the doctor. I just don't know where I would fit all that in too.
Date night is tomorrow night and no, I still don't know what his name is in spite of a plan by JP which while goofy was a good idea although it still didn't work. Oh well. I guess I'm just going to wing it.
So much going on with all the packing stuff etc. Several of you have commented on how hectic my life seems and yes it is. And yes I do sometimes whine about it a bit. Funny thing is though that I don't really mind it much. I mean yes there are bits and pieces that drive me nuts like the actual picking up and moving. But I really like the adventure part of it. I like going new places and starting over with new apartments etc. It's kind of like getting do overs. That said I may be leaving for Sac*rament0 next week. I have this feeling that my current agency has dicked around long enough on this that the hospital has started looking to replace me. So I've started looking for a new agency. I've filled out a large part of the paperwork with an agency that is actually in California and states that they consistently have contracts for Sac*rament0. I'm giving current agency until the end of the week to come up with something and then we'll see. So one way or another things will all go the way they should, which ever way that is. If I leave here though I will really miss it. I like it here so much.
So I went to walk on the beach today and then took a drive around town. I'm driving down the road and see this guy on one of those funny looking bicycles kind of like this and I was sort of laughing a bit but then I noticed it was one of our doctors(resident) from the hospital. The one who is really cute. I tried to go back and take his picture but I couldn't find him again. Darn.
Oh and in other fun things: my favorite Bil*ly Ray Cy*rus is going to be in Houston on Aug. 23. Girls I think I want to come visit.

Weird

So the last few days I've been having some twinges in the general area of my left ovary. You know, my friend, the one that had a 7cm cyst back in February? Yeah, that one. Basically leaving me thinking that they damn cyst is still there although I tried to tell myself it was close to ovulation time. It is I think. I forgot to write down my period last month but I'm pretty sure the timing is right for ovulation although I've had no CM etc to indicate that is in fact happening. So then last night at work all of the sudden I start getting bad cramping again on the left side, region of my ovary. Shit. I have no idea what this means. It was bad for several hours to the point of being painful to walk. Better now but still a "feeling" there. So now I'm thinking for sure that the freaking thing is still there. I'm waiting to see how I feel today but I think I need to call the doctor again. The things that I'm wondering is she had mentioned that if it was still there in June (when she wanted to see me back) that it would probably end up being surgery for me to find out what was going on. So now with me thinking that it's still there and that surgery may end up being an option although an option I don't like, it would be way better to have it done in May when I actually have time off work. In June I will just be starting back to work on a new contract and not really able to take much time off although I have no idea how much time off I would need. I don't know if the surgery would be similar to an appendectomy which kind of knocked me on my butt for a while. All I know is that I never really had pain like that unless I was on meds and cycling and I know I'm not right now.

Cancelled Again

So the hospital cancelled my shift again last night. Nice to have a night off and hopefully no problems with pay. I don't think there will be as there has never been a problem with the nights where I am outright cancelled, just if I asked to be cancelled or was sent home early. My paycheck for last week was normal so I guess all that got worked out. However a couple of things have come to my attention. First off, even though I let my agency know back at the first of April (1 month ago) that I was wanting to stay here, it seems as if I still don't have a contract to stay here. I am annoyed. So far every contract I've had, when it's coming down to the end of the contract I tell them what I want to do and they fiddle fart around until the VERY last minute, most of the time past the end of the contract. They tell me that everything is taken care of, that it's all done and it really isn't. Then I'm left at the very end possibly looking for something else because they screwed around too long. I think that may be the case again. I noticed the other day when I was e-mailing my supervisor at work about the time card thing for last week (which my recruiter e-mailed me and said he "thought" it was worked out but no explanation further) that I had an e-mail about my extending. I didn't pay much attention to it because I have spoke with supervisor about the extending thing before and I thought it was taken care of. Then today I log into my work e-mail again to see if there are any updates from her on the time card thing and notice that there is a date on it, that they need to know by May 1st. Which was yesterday. Which means that they probably don't have the extension yet and have possibly started looking for someone to replace me. This leaves me wondering if this is a totally sucky thing or if it maybe is a good thing. And I'm torn. I love the area here. It's beautiful, I love the weather. I was considering buying a year pass to Dis*ney*land since I'm fairly close. The hospital is ok, good points and bad points. The housing situation sucks. I liked the apartment I found in Ven*tura but not the commute which is 40 miles each way with gas ringing in at $4 a gallon. I have been looking for possibly a different apartment in SB but haven't liked what I've found. Most allow no pets. The ones that do are either so gross I wouldn't want to live there or they want insane deposits. I spoke with a lady the other day who literally wanted $4500 for move in. WTF?? Who has that kind of money for renting a one bedroom apartment. That along with the frequent cancellations at work along with the issues with my agency has me thinking of changing things up some. I like my recruiter, I think he's a nice guy and all but I'm tired of the BS. I e-mail him with questions and he will e-mail me back with a partial answer and then I don't hear anything else from him. Like I e-mailed him last night about the cancellation and asking about the contract being extended and he e-mailed me back about the cancellation but said nothing else about the rest of it. I don't know if others have this problem with their agencies or not but it's getting old quickly. And I have a fairly short amount of time to decide now what to do. And the idea of leaving here makes me sad but the reality of the whole matter is that part of why I wanted to stay was to see if there was any way I could manage to stay here permanently and realistically I don't think there is. Because I want to have a house, not an apartment and buying here is very unlikely. And for so many reasons moving on would be easier. But I will miss it here so much. I also know though that the money is better elsewhere and I would have an RE in much closer driving distance. Not to mention cheaper rent. So right now I'm packing my apartment up once again not knowing where I will be moving to. A bit crazy but it mostly works. The down side is that I have no space here to put the boxes I pack up as the place is so small. I work tomorrow night, then have 3 nights in a row off. After that I only have 1 night off before I leave for home. Yikes.
Oh, and the guy called. We are meeting at a restaurant for dinner next week. He wanted to have me come to his house which I'm really not so sure about. Anyways the really crazy part?? I still don't freaking know his name. I couldn't figure out how to ask!!!!!!!