Merry Go Round

Round and round, up and down. So my life goes. I feel better today. Yesterday was horrible. I felt like I was totally coming apart and all I could do was sit helplessly and cry. Today I have only cried once. I still have a million things in my head. Many of them centering on the whole what next or now what theme.
Of course it isn't over yet. I'm still bleeding, a somewhat slow steady drizzle (sounds like a damn rain storm) but it's just blood. No clots, no pain really. Now I suppose I could be wrong since I wasn't very pregnant, only a bit over 5 weeks but somehow I'm thinking my body has more in store for me. I'm thinking there is more to it than this, changing of the tampon at most 3 times a day. Sorry for the TMI but there it is. Of course it couldn't have done the worst part on my days off for the week. That would be too easy.
I have my follow up appointment next week with the RE in Fresno. My goal with this of course is to hear what he has to say on what he thinks went wrong. I want to know if he addresses the bleeding that occurred mid cycle at all. And then to point out to him that maybe he needs to try a more personalized approach, that not all of his patients want to simply be told what to do and when to do it, I want to know why, how much numbers etc. Then to let them know I'll be finding another doctor. I also need a copy of what I've paid them this year since I'm pretty sure I've over paid them. I had called over a week ago and asked for this and still haven't gotten it. Then to decide what I want to do for a doctor. I figure I have several options here. I do want to get started on the acupuncture. I've been procrastinating this so far this week because I don't really have much available cash for this at this point, hopefully by next week. I also am considering joining an exercise class to try and at least improve my activity level and hopefully at the same time by blood pressure. Then to decide if I want to see if I can get hooked up with this doctor here, or go somewhere else for a doctor. If I hook up with a doctor here, I will feel committed to staying here through the summer rather than having to change doctors after one or two cycles. Not a bad thing staying here as I hate the heat and it should be fairly decent here during the summer. However the money I make here isn't as good as it would be elsewhere partially because of the cost of housing. If I decide to go somewhere else, I need to figure out where, based on where I can find a good RE. I do have a couple of possible ideas on where I could go next. However my agency from what I can tell is a smaller agency with not as many possible contracts. If I stayed here, I could stay with my agency which I do like but if I was to decide I am going to go somewhere else I need to decide for sure where I want to go and to let my recruiter know where I want to go early enough that he can start looking and be willing to go to another agency if I have to. One interesting thing though is that even though I don't want to jump right back into another IVF, I was thinking about it today and if it did come down to it, yes I would try IVF again. However it would take some saving to do. Which is where better money would come in.
This all leaves me with the result of I have no idea when I'm going home. Strangely I'm not hugely bothered by that. Although I am wishing the market didn't suck quite as bad as it did and I could sell my house at home. Right now paying a house payment and a rent payment while doable, is a bit annoying. I keep thinking what I could be doing with that money although I know that in the long run I'm building equity.
So in the mean time, one step at a time and quit trying to figure it all out at once. Yeah right.