It's Cold Here

Well I got to Sp0kane this morning about 11. It's much cooler here than in California. Only in the 50's. I spent several hours at the hospital visiting D. He's supposed to maybe be released tomorrow which will be good. I think he's bored there although he seems to have gotten to know all the staff at the hospital. I also managed to go have one of my favorite cheese burgers. Yumm. Now after having gotten up at 3 this morning I'm ready for bed. Hope everyone has a good week.

Show And Tell

So for today's show and tell I wanted to show my latest cra*igs*list find. I wanted to get a picture of all of us out and about but there wasn't really anyone out who I could hand my camera to and have them take a picture. I guess it's too early on a Sunday morning. So anyways. Here's my new find.

It's a pet stroller. Now when I take Sadie for a walk I can load the cats up in the stroller and take them too!!! They loved it. I thought they might fuss some and yowl a bit but they spent the whole ride watching everything. Yes, I think it's official. My transition to becoming the crazy cat lady has begun.

To see what the rest of the class is showing head on over to Stirrup-Queens and join the fun!!

Almost Done

Well I'm on my last night of the 60 hour work week x3. After tonight I have 10 days off. Last night it was slow so I ended up asking if I could leave work early. I was home and in bed by 3am and slept until 2pm. Feel so much better. Tomorrow I have to pack and show the house sitter around and then early Monday I am off to Spokane.
I talked to D yesterday and he seems to be doing pretty good. He's tired of being in the hospital. Hope he gets out soon.
Not too much else going on. I have been working so much that I haven't had time for anything. Earlier this week the weather was really hot (95) and I almost cooked all my plants as I forgot to water them every day. They are all looking much better now. Tomorrow I'm hoping to get a picture of my show and tell for this week but don't want to say what it is yet. It's a surprise!

So Tired

I seriously hope that the next time I consider working 60 hours a week for 3 weeks in a row someone kicks me in the ass. I'm so tired. And so tired of dealing with various coworkers. I had 2 days off and it wasn't enough.
Thanks to everyone who had kind words about me being a basket of stress. From what I was told surgery went well and he's doing about as well as can be expected.
Now I'm seriously off to bed.

The Stuff I Haven't Blogged About

There's been some stuff going on the last few months which has been stressful but I haven't blogged about it. A very good friend of mine has bladder cancer. At first I didn't blog about it because he didn't know for sure if it was cancer. There was waiting to get a for sure diagnosis. Then once we knew it was cancer we knew it was usually a fairly treatable form of cancer although he had been told it was very aggressive in his case. A couple of months of treatment and some more waiting. Another look showed the cancer had gotten worse, not better. Enter some more testing and some more waiting until finally a plan was agreed upon. Since anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis knows that waiting is not my strong point by any stretch of the imagination we'll just say that I possibly didn't deal with the waiting portions of this entire process very well. I did a lot of telling D what to do (call the doc and demand more information, more timely appointments etc) and a lot of ranting about the slowness of the process. My experience while it doesn't include this type of cancer has shown that with most types of cancer speed is of the utmost importance. D has dealt with it mostly by letting me rant away, listening to me and then doing what he wanted to do, following the doctors recommendation for treatment and various testing. Only once did he finally tell me that he was happy with the care he was getting which I think was his way of telling me to leave it alone. I did take that advice and quit bugging him about the lack of speed from his doctors.
Tomorrow he's having surgery. Major surgery. And I'm having a very hard time with the fact that I won't be there. My original plan had been to be there for the surgery but the date was moved up and I couldn't really change my days off. I know that there isn't anything I would be able to do if I was there. My being there or not being there won't affect much but I'm still having a hard time with it. I will be there next week, probably about the time he is being discharged from the hospital which will probably be a bigger help than if I was there sitting around a waiting room or watching him sleep. But I'm still having a hard time with the not being there part. I'm worried. Even though I see people going off to surgery on a daily basis I worry because it's someone I care about which is natural I know.
D and I have a long history. Some of it good, some of it not so good, even some of it down right bad. I know there are those who may criticize my relationship with him for various reasons and those who may think I'm strange. But it works. We've maintained a friendship for many years in spite of everything else that happened. He's someone who's very important to me and someone I deeply care about. I want him to be ok. And I'm trying not to sit here and stress about what will happen tomorrow.

Show And Tell

So it's a beautiful warm sunny day here and while I was sitting out on my patio (perfect temp of about 68-70 ahhh!) I got out the camera to get some shots. I find myself taking 20 pictures to keep 10 of them but that's the great thing about digital cameras. So I thought I'd show some pictures today from my back yard. Yes sorry, it's more flowers and pets.
I've been experimenting with taking close up pics of flowers since I got my camera last year. I got some really great pics last year and then today I got some more really cool ones. They look really nice blown up to full screen on my monitor. So here's a few flowers from my yard.

And of course the critters. Sadie was sitting out in the grass sunning her self. Ignore the overly tall grass. The lawn maintenance guy seems to be very haphazard about when he shows up.

Luna sitting on the counter like thing around the built in barbecue. The birds were tormenting the cats by flying around and then landing on the roof and making noise. Oh and yes I've created monsters in letting the cats go outside as they now want to be outside all the time!

Sara also on the counter thing. I thought this was just a cute pic of her even though her eye is all messy. Her left eye waters almost constantly no matter how often I put meds in it.

This is one of the neighbor dogs who are constantly trying to get my attention when I'm outside. They want to be petted so bad. I call them both Nose since that is all I ever see of them.

To go see what the rest of the class is showing head on over to Stirrup-Queens and join the fun!

Day Dreaming

In my mind I can picture myself driving down the Pacific Coast Highway in a snappy little convertible, top down, wind blowing through my hair, sun brightly shining on the water next to the road. I see pictures of what could be, a smallish apartment overlooking the ocean with a deck chair, a little table and flower pots filled with blooms, stacks of books everywhere. Me taking off in an airplane to some of the destinations I'd love to go to. Hawaii, New York, Washington DC, Paris, London, Italy, Australia. In this picture I am happy.
Then I see a picture of a newborn baby on it's mother's chest and it leads me to picture in my head my baby laying on my chest, my newborn. Holidays with my toddler or young child about 5 or 6. Even though there is appeal in the other pictures is my mind and I even sometimes yearn for some of those first pictures there is still the belief that without the second set of pictures, all of the pictures before pale in comparison.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying for and forever reaching for something I never seem able to attain. I feel as if I've spent my entire adult life reaching for that gold ring that is forever just out of my reach. I'm tired of sitting here in this limbo hell wondering if I will ever again have enough money to even try again forget the fear that it will never work. I find myself looking over and over again at sites for donor embryos. Last night I started looking up foster adopt sites and thinking about how cute this or that child was and that maybe it could work. Then I realize that this is a desperate grasping since I don't know that I'm fully ready to consider adoption and because I know that adopting an older child is not a path I really want to pursue.
After talking to Bleu I know that most of this feeling is from my compulsive need to plan my life out in advance and to know what's next. My compulsive need to be in control and to know or decide right now what is next. That idea of control that is really just an illusion since in truth no one truly knows for certain what's next and control is very often just an illusion. So for now I am trying to slow myself down. To quit my constant inner planning and to make myself just go one day at a time.

Lazy Night

So I'm sitting here at work doing what I figured I wouldn't do by being on my own blog. I did however take the roundabout way here and really if IT wanted to find my blog? They probably already have. It's a bit disconcerting to think about people I work with reading my blog but I suppose anyone with enough initiative could. I've had 2 patients tonight and the last one left at 11:15pm. It's now 3:40, I just finished my book (which was seriously way funny by the way, Jen Lan*caster is about the only non fiction writer I can seriously get into and read) and I've got more than 2 hours before it's time to go home. Work is still all kinds of drama and annoying. I'm still trying to stay the hell out of the drama and not take it personally when they talk about how uncool those who wear birkenstocks etc (basically someone like me who's just not that concerned with fashion) are. I would work with a bunch of men over women any freaking day.
All the bugs on my patio have disappeared, gotta love them hungry birds!!! Unfortunately the ones in the garage have increased in number. They are freaking every where!!! I'm afraid to go into the garage now for fear that one will drop out of the rafters on my head, yes I'm sure that the scream would be heard round the world should that occur. Even stepping on one is enough to give me the all over body shiver. And they're dead! I need to get a broom and sweep all those nasty things out. And bug guys? Have earned a customer for life. I would now happily pay them virtually anything to ensure the bugs are gone. Oh and there's a possibility that Christmas this year will be rather traumatic when I have to open all the boxes that are stacked in the garage and deal with what will hopefully be dried out buggy corpses.
My flowers are doing great! They look sooo pretty. I love to go out and look at them and am trying to get over the fear of being out on the patio too (the whole bug thing again, Yes I know I'm not really rational about this). The cats have taken up sitting next to the door and crying because they want to go out. I think I've created monsters.

Flowers

So on Monday I got all my flowers in pots. I think they look great and love having things growing again. I thought I would share some of the pics of all my plants.

This is my little orange tree. I got a small one so it would be ok in a pot for a couple of years until I could figure out where to plant it for good.

These are some of the African daisies I planted and are some of my favorite flowers.
Another African daisy in a bit different color.

The view of the back of my house from the yard.

Really pretty hummingbird feeder I found, I hope I get some hummingbirds.

The hanging pot I got that's full of pansy's (or violas or whatever the heck they're called).

I know many of these flowers are perennials so hopefully they will last a couple of years if I take good care of them.

Oh and and update on the bugs? All the dead ones on the patio and the dead one I was sure I saw in my bedroom are all gone!!!! As much as I would rather Sadie not eat them I'm hoping that her or the birds (outside) ate them and it's not my worst nightmare coming true where the bugs reanimate themselves and the make it their life goal to kill me in my sleep.

Totally Freaked Out

So a couple months ago (doesn't seem like that long but I think it was) I saw a big nasty ugly ass roach in my garage. I called Bleu telling her how freaked out I was and she laughed at me since we all know where there is one there is more. Which was precisely why I was so damn freaked out. I had planned to call a bug guy right away and of course got side tracked and didn't. Since then about once every week or two I would run across another one either in the garage or living room. Gross, nasty yuck. Squish it and remind myself that I need to call the bug guys and then promptly forget to call the bug guy. So Monday when I was trying to get my flowers all planted someone was knocking at my door which was annoying until he introduced him self as someone working for one of those bug guy places. The whole sales spiel and all about getting customers in my neighborhood since they have someone else they're doing and offering low first time price etc and I was sold. I mean even though I've only seen a few there most likely is more. So yesterday they came and sprayed. All over outside, in my garage and in the house. Last night right before I left I saw a dead roach outside on the patio. This morning I saw about 8 dead ones in the garage. I think I saw a dead on in my bedroom and there are probably about 12 dead ones out on the patio. And I am officially completely FREAKED the fuck out about all the damn dead bugs. Because being dead doesn't necessarily make them any more pleasant to clean up. And since they died because of bug spray it's not really a good thing for me to hope the dog eats them this time. Which leaves me wondering if the bug guy company that has a cobweb removal service that comes with the spray job also have a dead bug removal service.
Oh and remember how nice I am to not have taken pictures of the nasty big ass 2 inch long fat roaches here to gross all you out too. I was tempted since I should have witnesses to the grossness and the cats and dog just don't seem to care about the gravity of this situation.

Sock It To Me

So several weeks ago I saw the button on the blog of I'm A Smart One for the sock it to me. It reminded me of a friend who sent me a fun pair of socks for my last IVF. It was nice to know that she was thinking of me and each time I put them on I think of her sending out her wishes for a positive with that cycle. Even when it wasn't a positive. I thought it sounded like a fun idea so I signed up to participate. A few days after we got our sock buddy assignments I received a package in the mail and I was surprised as I didn't know what it was. It was my socks!!! Stacey over at A Little Hope was really on the ball with how quickly the socks arrived with a cheerful little message. And what cute socks they were with doggies all over. Here's a pic of the socks on and Sadie looking up at me and then below I tried to get a pic of some of the design on the sock.
The whole idea behind the sock it to me (at least in my opinion) is to get people in touch with blogs they may not usually read and to remind us what we have gained by being a part of the IF/ALI blog community. I know I've gained a lot. I've met some fantastic people both on line and in real life that I never would have met otherwise. I am able to connect and talk to people who understand what I'm going through and can listen/read what I'm saying without having to jump in with all the little bits of advice that we often receive from the fertile community. I've gained knowledge about myself as a woman, my body and it's cycles, and infertility. Knowledge that I hope someday to put to an even bigger use in my professional life. I've got a cheering squad for when I'm cycling or feeling down for whatever reason. I've got people I could go visit in probably almost all 50 states and even some other countries outside the US if I ever take up traveling. I've got people who read and comment on my journaling bits and even about my coworker complaints etc. I don't know what I would have done the last 2 years without the friends I've gained here. I don't know what I would continue to do in the future without those who have went before me and can help make the path ahead a bit less bumpy along the way.

Flowers

I love flowers and gardening. Not so much indoor plants but outdoor plants and gardens. About 9 years ago when I was living with my ex I planted all kinds of things all over his yard. A lilac bush, wild rose bush, tulips, crocuses, peonies, a maple tree and a few veggies. We built a large 4' x 4' box that I planted tomatoes and zucchini in. Of course after planting all of that we realized that the neighbors cats thought we had built them a great big giant litter box but with some chicken wire and posts we managed to keep them out. Whenever I go home in the spring or summer I have to go over to his house to see how all my plants are doing. My lilac bush that was really small is pretty big now. The maple tree that was 3 leaves I kid you not is now taller than I am. My peonies are usually huge. I also had a house that I lived in while I was in nursing school that I planted a lot of bulbs in the yard and a lot of day lilies. When I moved out I gave most of the day lilies to my neighbor. Since then though I haven't had much chance to plant things. I went and bought some blueberry bushes when I was in Chico and ended up moving 2 months later and giving them to a friend there. My house at home I planted a few things out front that were perennials but I never had enough money to plant much. Then moving around as a traveling nurse it was pointless to buy plants even if they were portable. So now that spring is here I've been going crazy thinking about all the things I want to plant. Since I'm in a rental house though I was reluctant to plant too many things in the ground that I'd have to leave when I move. I can do pots though!! I decided I would get some tomatoes and maybe a few flowers. Yeah. Because I can just stop at a few flowers. You know when it takes you 3 carts to get out of L0*wes that maybe you over did it a bit. Of course I forgot a small shovel thing so tonight they all sit in my garage waiting to go into the pots. It doesn't look like much in the pics here but I did get a bunch. I'll have to post pics again when I get it all planted.

This is the 3 tomato plants, some flowers and some tree food stuff along with a bunch of other stuff in my garage.

This is the pots I bought, the orange tree, my chair to sit in and 3 bags of dirt for the pots.
This is a pic of a rose that is already in my back yard and it was so pretty when it finally opened I had to take a pic of it.

Sundays

So I'm on my five day off stretch from work. I love this part. I hate the part of going back and working 5 in a row. In addition to that in the next 2 weeks I'm picking up 3 extra shifts (36 hours) as the person who does the job on my nights off is going on vacation. I figured I could use the extra money and I was planning on going home or to Seattle at the end of April since a friend is supposed to be having surgery. Now everything is totally up in the air about when and what sort of surgery so I'm not sure if I'm going. Plus I also realized that it's much harder to take off for a few days now that I have Sadie here and needing medication twice a day. Still haven't figured that one out. I have figured out that it's official. I now have 2 animals that pee in the house. Ugg. At least I'm thankful for the non carpeted floors even if I don't like them. Sara has been doing pretty good with the exception of the occasional puddle on the dog bed. However it starts with Sadie's puddle on the dog bed. The only thing I can figure is that the medication causes increased thirst (along with the increased hunger) and increased urination. Factor that in with the fact that she's nine years old and I'm guessing that holding it 14 hours like she used to is a bit beyond her ability. I feel bad for her but I'm having a difficult time adjusting to this new need of keeping track of the bathroom habits of yet another animal.
Work is work. I like my job really well. Coworkers not so much. I'm having a hard time with it. I've got one charge nurse who I don't work with often but when I do she feels she has to prove to me that she is my superior and spends the entire night telling me what to do and when to do it and basically drives me nuts. The other charge nurse is easier to get along with but she's subtle in her BS. She's the one who is constantly talking about everyone else, bad mouthing them etc. She says things on a fairly regular basis to let me know that she thinks I'm a loser because I don't have an active social life like she does. The thing about this is that one, I know I'm not a loser and I'm pretty happy with things the way they are. I don't feel a need to go out all the time. I also know that she's basically a witch and that she's not someone I really would like to hang around with anyways. That said it's still sort of difficult to be around her and put up with her shit. I know that whole thing about being professional and it's a job and who cares if your coworkers like you etc but it's still difficult to look forward to going to work when you work with people you really don't like.
Today I bought a bathing suit. Got it online which I know probably isn't the best plan but it's the only one I could find that I like and I'm usually pretty comfortable with this companies sizing as I've bought from them before. It seriously just about killed me to pay $70 for a freaking bathing suit. Then I thought about it and realized the last bathing suit I purchased was in 1997 which was 12 years ago. So I know it's not that bad to pay that much if it's going to last another 5-10 but it still sucks.
I still don't know what my next step is. I want to try again really bad. I'm trying to figure out how to come up with the money part of trying again. I'm also working on getting on some lists for donor embryos. We'll see what happens first. I also can sit here and think about what my life would be like if it was just me and no baby. And I can see it. Which I suppose tells me that if it never happens I'll be ok. Even happy maybe. Maybe not as happy as I would be if I had a baby but happy anyways.
So that's the last week for me. Lots of other things but just the mundane things in life. Like watching the last episode of my favorite show ever. The show that I have seen almost every episode of since the beginning. I'll miss ER. Work things about the patients I care for that for whatever reason touch my life in some way. Just the stuff of life.

Show And Tell

Well the good news is the other day after I posted that I was worried my dog ate the baby birds I saw them on the back fence. So, Sadie didn't eat them they just got sick of me coming out to look at them and flew the nest. So I figured I'd show today the last few pics I got of the baby birds. The first pic hereis the babies in the pot and I got up to take their picture. After I took one pic the baby got all puffed up because the flash startled him and that was so dang cute I had to take another pic.

The second one here was a bit harder to get a good pic of but it's one of the babies sitting on the fence by my back yard. I think if you click on it you can see it bigger and see it sitting there on the fence. I wasn't able to get very close to them because they flew off and one had already flown out of camera range.
To see what the rest of the class is showing today head on over to Stirrup-Queens and join the fun.