Light At The End Of The Tunnel

It's there. I can finally see it again. Hope or whatever you want to call it. Thank you everyone for all your kind words, support and stories shared.

My heart still breaks a bit at seeing Sara sit so quiet and lonely without her sissy there but she does seem to be warming up to Lizzie (a bit) more. Whether it's out of loneliness or that Lizzie likes to sit in her chosen spot who knows but I've found them sitting next to each other several times lately. This one was one of my favorites even though Sara isn't looking at the camera. She was actually touching Lizzie and didn't seem to mind. We're all hanging in here though and I even made it through the work week without crying which was a plus.

Lizzie is still adjusting and I find myself wondering frequently what this poor little dogs story is. She's truly adorable and she seems to want so much to play and come to me etc. However fear seems too to be a very big part of her life. She will let me walk up to her if she's sitting on my chair in the living room but not otherwise. If I sit down there she will crawl all over me loving on me and so excited. She's super excited to see me come home in the mornings. However she still will not come up to me anywhere else in the house and still seems to be absolutely terrified of being on a leash or going outside. She just sits and trembles. So much for a walking partner. Hopefully we will eventually get there and I know it's only been 2 weeks so far but I just am not sure how to go about working with her more. I do try to work with the leash in the house with treats. She'll do a bit of a belly crawl for the treats but still doesn't actually walk. Thank goodness though she's paper trained as I don't know what I'd do otherwise. Between her and my kooky cat though I'm going through a lot of puppy potty pads. Here's a couple of more pictures though of my timid little cutie.

Not So Ok

Just as a warning if you're not in a great place emotionally, you may want to skip over this.

I'm struggling. Really badly. Getting out of bed is a monumental task. Functioning feels near impossible as does interacting with others. Thursday night I was incredibly thankful that my shift got canceled because of low census. Friday night I called in sick. Taking care of others felt so utterly beyond me. Last night I wanted badly to call in sick but felt that if it was known that I was calling in because my cat died it would be viewed badly. So I went to work. And spent the first half of the shift barely being able to control my tears. I'm guessing nurses who are crying don't inspire much confidence in their patients. I was reminded several times that had I called in, it still would have only been considered one absence/occurrence. However by that time I was already there and a bit late to leave. It did get a bit better by morning but I still feel like I'm just drowning in sadness without any light in sight. I feel like a really bad week without my happy pills (yes I am still taking my happy pills).

I'm also struggling a bit with being angry. I'm angry this happened. I don't really know how to explain that and I know that to some people it will seem stupid and I know that in so many ways it doesn't come close to comparing to other peoples grief. We all have grief to bear at times during our lives. I think part of it is that I've spent the last 8 months or so sort of coming to terms with or attempting to come to terms with the very real possibility that I may never be a parent. Realizing that has been difficult but I've been telling myself I'll be ok, I've still got my furbabies. Then to lose 2 of them in less than a months time feels so completely overwhelming, unfair, unreal and ridiculous.

Losing Sadie made me sad but I knew it was coming. I had been fairly sure for close to a month that it was coming. By the time I said good-bye it was painful for me but it was also a relief sort of because I had spent a week watching her rapidly decline and at least to my perception suffer. I knew I was doing the right thing even though I knew I would miss her horribly.

I've also known for a while that I would lose my girlies at some point. I've known since they were a year old that they had a heart condition that would shorten their life span. I had been told that they would likely go into heart failure at some point, what signs and symptoms to watch for and what the end would likely look like. I knew that Luna's heart was a bit worse than Sara's and that she had been slowing down a bit the last 6 months or so. I figured I would lose her first. However I also figured I would have some warning. I thought there would be a visible decline in her overall health and that when the time came it would be a well thought out decision. None of that ended up being true for Luna. Thursday morning Luna was fine. Luna was herself. I came home from grocery shopping and was unloading and I saw her sitting there by the bags but didn't pay a lot of attention. After I finished I noticed her walking funny, dragging her back legs. I went to investigate further and she laid down and cried, she cried when I picked her up and it was obvious that it hurt. It was close to 4:30 in the afternoon and I was worried about getting her to my regular vet and not an emergency clinic. I called and was told to bring her right out, that I could always come as a walk in. My only specification was to not see the vet who I had problems with at the end with Sadie. The girl on the phone seemed surprised but was understanding and said it was fine, I could see someone else although the vet that usually sees the cats (and the one who put Sadie down) was off that day. By the time I got there I was pretty much sobbing hysterically. Note to people in the waiting room, if you're at a vets office and there is someone sobbing and holding their animal, they probably don't want to make small talk.

We were seen right away and it only took the vet a few minutes to come back and tell me the grim news, her feet were cold, she had no pulses in her back legs, no movement or sensation. He stated they could try to treat it but that he had never seen a cat survive this. I asked him what he would do if it was his cat and his response was a well worded and fully explained, let her go. I did spend about 30-45 minutes holding her and saying good bye to her before the injection was given. She had been sedated a bit but was still awake and I'm thankful for the time I got to say good-bye and to hold her. I held her until she was gone.

I think I knew as soon as I had seen Luna trying to walk that this would be the end result. It was so sudden and unexpected though. It was so damn soon after losing Sadie. No it wouldn't have been easy no matter when it happened but this has just felt so damn overwhelming. It makes me so sad to see Sara walking around looking for her or sitting around moping because she can't find her. It seems so strange to not have her sitting on my desk right now shoving things off the desk or chewing on the computer because she wants my attention. I miss her warm body in bed with me when I go to sleep. I miss my beautiful kitty.

I know this will all get better eventually but right now it just feels so damn hard and so fucking unfair.

Good Bye Again

Goodbye my sweet Luna Lulubelle. I'll miss you so very much. Keep Sadie company.

When I came home from grocery shopping today Luna couldn't walk. Her back legs weren't working. I took her to the vet and was told that it was a blood clot related to her heart condition that was paralyzing her back legs and that her chances of survival were very small even with treatment. So I made yet again the most difficult choice to say good bye to one of my babies.

Behind Again

Yes. Yes, I am. Behind on blog reading. I've had a hard time lately with just wanting to sit down and spend time at the computer. I know strange for me but there it is. I've been reading and sewing quite a bit. So I'm slowly catching up on my reader. Very slowly.

Doggy is doing pretty good. Turns out the name Molly didn't really seem to stick, possibly because I couldn't find anything that went with it that I liked. See Sara is Sara bera and Luna is lulu or wuwu (don't ask I don't even know myself), Sadie was Sadie sunshine and there just didn't seem like anything else went with Molly. So I've settled on Lizzie. To which I can do busy lizzie or dizzy lizzie. She's settling in pretty good. Still very timid and I wonder if there has ever been abuse in her past. She hates leashes and going outside. Totally freaks out and she pulls her head out of a collar or harness. We've been working on it some inside with treats but I think it will be a while. The other day I finally stuck her in the pet stroller and took her out for a walk which she still didn't love but she did ok. She's still afraid of the cats and won't let me walk up to her but if I'm sitting she will climb all over me loving on me. I worked a short shift today and left her home and out free and came home to no damage or problems. She did great. She also still uses the potty pads which is great.

I still miss Sadie. I'll be reading something or talking about something and remember things she used to do and get wistful thinking about her and how much I miss her. I still know I did the right thing and that she isn't in pain anymore. I also truly don't think she would have lived through that last weekend. I think it's quite possible she would have died as she was declining so quickly and wasn't really eating etc. I will also say though that my exercise habits with her gone have went to hell and I really need to get back to walking or something. It will help with the nicer weather coming. Saturday it was so nice I went out for a nice long bike ride and felt great. Now of course it's raining and cold again but I guess that's ok since I'm back to work tomorrow night.

I'm having tons of fun with my various quilting projects and blankets that I'm making. I have several in various stages of completion that I will post when I get them closer to being done.

I'm having a hard time with posting pics of myself. One part is the whole camera thing of no one really knows how to work my camera very well and the pictures never come out looking right (it's a manual focus one not point and shoot). I will also admit that the anonymous comment I got a while back was a pretty good direct hit to my confidence and it's hard to put myself out there as much knowing that this person whoever they are is still out there reading etc. Yes I know it shouldn't matter but words can hurt too.

Otherwise, life is just moving along. Not much of significance happening. Just work and enjoying my time off when I have it and having fun with Lizzie and the cats. Things and life are good.

Adjusting

So new doggy is adjusting. She is very timid. We've had a repeat of her getting off the leash, the collar popped open and she was free. Took me about 10 minutes to catch her which freaked me out to the point where I'm afraid to take her outside again. Upside is that she seems to be mostly paper trained. Yay! She is very cute and very timid but she is warming up to me. If I sit still in one spot she will come sit on my lap but if I move to suddenly she will shy away or cringe. She also growls at the cats if they get too close. I'm thinking though that all of this will improve as she gets to know us all. I can't decide if the name Molly works for her. I had decided that was what I would name her but now I just don't know if it fits. We'll see. Otherwise not a lot going on. Just trying to clean house and keep things here calm. Later today I've got some of my sewing projects to work on. Plus I want to get outside for a bit. The weather continues to be nice although a bit chilly. I love having the sun out though.

Spring? Maybe

It's finally starting to look a bit like spring here. Yes I know. It's February and we're sure to have ups and downs in the weather. However it's been sunny the last week or so and today it's close to 70 outside which is so wonderful. I should have slept most of the day and I didn't but oh well. I had errands to run and a doggy to visit.

Last week I started looking at various shelter and rescue groups and the dogs they had. It's just so lonely without a dog here. I was looking for a smaller dog since I don't see myself moving out of apartments in a while yet so a dog that would be more of an indoor sort of dog. Granted Sadie was a mostly indoor dog too and she wasn't much "smaller." I had found several dogs that I liked and had applied at a local shelter for one of a couple different dogs. Then I waited. Something I don't necessarily do well. Finally Thursday of last week I found out I had been approved but the dog that was my first choice I was second in line so it was a matter of waiting a bit more. This morning they called and told me that the other person who had applied for her had fallen through and so she's mine! I'm so excited. I went out and paid her adoption fee and visited her for a while. And almost lost her. I went to put her down on the grass and they had one of those slip leash things on her and I apparently had grabbed the wrong end. And she got off the leash. And I couldn't catch her. Yikes. Finally I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called back the number of the person who had called me to say that I could adopt her and told them where I was and what had happened. Quickly I had a couple more people out to help and we caught her. After that I opted to just sit on a bench and hold her which she seemed fine with. She's a little timid but I'm guessing she will warm right up fine. I felt like such a goof though. I worried they would tell me nope, you screwed up and now you can't have her.

She's a chihuahua mix (possibly with papillion) and is about 2 years old, weighs probably less than my cats. I did post a pic on facebook and will post pics here eventually. She'll go in Wednesday to be fixed and then I can bring her home Thursday or Friday. Then we get to learn how to walk on a leash etc. It will be fun though learning all about her.

I stopped at Tar*get on the way home from the shelter and they have some really cute clothes. I'd love to get some spring like stuff but I keep telling myself to wait a bit longer. I'm still changing sizes sort of quickly and I'd hate to buy a bunch of stuff and have it not fit by late spring. As it is the jeans I bought a couple of weeks before Christmas are already too big and I had to go get a new pair last week. Tar*get also has swim suits which is still a sort of scary thought. Even with the weight loss I still have an awful lot of extra, saggy, wrinkly skin that won't be covered up by a swim suit unless I buy one that fits from neck to knee. Not to mention that tank tops may be totally out this summer too.