Where Oh Where??

Did my lime football helmet cat pic go???? Not really my cat but I so love that pic. And now it's not there.
I'm doing mostly ok. Still down and feeling really sensitive to things but trying to just acknowledge that because I'm down I am overly sensitive and to let things go. The overly sensitive stuff bugs me but I can't turn it off. I get to this point where I know that my thoughts often aren't logical but I can't turn them off. I start to feel like no one likes me, people are talking about me etc. I can admit that it's not really logical but the feelings persist. This is why I may possibly take anti depressants for the rest of my life. The idea of not taking them and the possibility of going back to feeling like I did at some of my most depressed times terrifies me. I know my doctor has hinted in the past that he'd rather me not be on the meds permanently. But I don't ever want to feel that bad again. Just having a small fraction of those feelings scares me.
I'm still frustrated with my life but hope to start dealing with that very soon. I don't feel good. Really don't feel good. Like I hurt all over constantly don't feel good. Related to the weight some, related to the fibro some. I also am having a really hard time with the whole do nothing phase of the TTC stuff for now. It's interesting to me because last year after the failed IVF there was a part of me that wanted to do something but it was mostly a desire to just get my hands on some sperm to stick up there and see what happened. Still naively thinking that maybe I could get knocked up with minimal intervention. I didn't really feel like I was in a huge rush to go to the doctor and start treatments again. Now the not going to the doctor and wanting to start the next cycle is making me a little nutty. I am not good at waiting. But I must. In the meantime I'm trying to formulate plans to work on me. I'm not at my healthiest right now. Granted I still needed some work 2 months ago too but now it's worse. I have gained like 20 pounds in the last 2 months (fuck that was quick) and those 20 pounds have made a really big difference in how I feel. So I'm trying to make decisions on what to do to make myself as healthy as I can be. Not just to make TTC easier but to make parenting easier. And life easier. That all feels rather scary too and with everything else I've had times where all I really want to do is crawl into a book and never think about myself again. Not very effective but a workable temporary solution.
Other news in life?? It's been a bit crazy. I had some recent snow damage to my house which was pretty significant. So much so that I will be filing that claim on my house insurance. I've also had a bit of vindication at work. A couple nights ago one of the nurses that works night shift came in and told me (in a somewhat bitchy manner) that the secretary was not there and so I would be doing the secretaries job that night in addition to my job which can sometimes not be very busy. My first (overly sensitive) thought was that they had all been discussing me the night before when I wasn't there and decided that I needed to do more. Stupid I know but there it was. So last night the charge nurse asked me if I had been having problems with nurse X lately. I tried to figure out how to respond to that and finally said that it had felt like there was something going on there but that I knew I was sort of sensitive lately and so I was trying to let it go. Then she told me that it had been mentioned to her by day shift that nurse X had been bossing me around and not very nice to me. She pointed out that I didn't have to take that, I was staff and nurse X is a traveler and that the only person I needed to take orders from was the charge nurse. She also mentioned that she didn't think nurse X liked me although she didn't know why. I don't either. But it's nice to know that it's not just me, that others noticed it and said something about it and that I have the charge nurse on my side. No nurse X isn't one of the 2 who had made comments on my weight lately, she's just one that hadn't been very pleasant, she was the one who was bitching at me about my snoring during nap time one night. As far as the other 2, the one who mentioned something is the charge nurse who is now sticking up for me and she hasn't said anything else. I'm getting along with her fine. The one who commented on my soda has continued to say various other things from time to time however she does this to EVERYONE. She's one of those sort of grouchy barky sort of people and I've decided that unless it's something like the soda thing again to just ignore her.
Now I really must go to bed. I've got 2 more nights in my stretch of 5 and right now I'm so tired I can't move my neck. Definitely time for sleep.

No Idea

I'm still here. I just have no idea what to blog about. Everything comes out whiney or bitchy and I know that my perspective right now is screwed and that most everything I write probably isn't fit for anyone to read. So for now I'll keep reading everyone elses blog and try to muddle through the next few weeks until my doctors appointment and new meds start to work.

Welcome CD 1

Well I never thought I would say it but for once I'm happy to see AF. After what has to be the longest cycle I personally have EVER had (my body tends to be annoyingly regular) which finally topped out at 41 days, AF finally decided to show this afternoon. And not a moment to soon. The last few days I have been an emotional freaking wreck. I'm hoping that will improve in the next 2 days or so. I've spent the last several days feeling like I am constantly on the edge of tears and that everyone is against me, talking about me (they still might be, just because your paranoid and all that), and planning the ending of my job. The itching also seems to be letting up some which is great!!! I actually found an article on line the other night about a woman who was having a topical reaction to estrogen patches and when they gave her oral estradiol she had systemic (all over) reaction. So maybe it is possible to be allergic to estrogen. Sucks to be me huh??? Basically I'm guessing that for my next cycle even though I won't be doing stims I will likely be on a steroid the entire time I'm on the vi*velle patches. Goody. Well I think I'm feeling better today. I'm tired but nothing another 6 hours of sleep won't fix. Tomorrow I'm off to SF.

Better

I'm doing a little better. I'm still annoyed with my weight and annoyed with various coworkers but I'm not as upset about it as I was the other morning. And I've got a bit of snarkiness planned should anyone else feel the need to mention however nicely my weight. Of course I'm not big on the idea of going back to work tonight but I'm sure it will be fine.
I had to take a test yesterday for a basic arrhythmia class that I needed for work. I had went through all the stuff from the book but then when I got to the test and there were all these people who were taking the test for the second time and I was a bit freaked out. I did pass it though. Barely but I passed. Thank goodness. Now I have to do my ACLS. I've been told that is easier than the basic arrhythmia class I just finished so that works for me.
I did forget in all the drama the other morning to talk about my doctors appointment. I went up to Sacrament0 last week for a follow up appointment with my doctor and to see Bleu. The appointment went mostly well. Basically I had a fairly good response to meds etc. The quality of my embryos at day 3 was good, at day 5 was not so good. What the doctor said is it could be a sperm or an egg issue. If I tried again it might work or it might turn out the same way. His feeling was that it wasn't anything wrong with me that was preventing embryos from growing, implanting etc. We also discussed the donor egg thing. My reasoning again is that if I were to try again with my own eggs and it were to fail I would be angry at myself. I would feel like I unnecessarily set myself back even farther. Plus with waiting at least a year (ugg!) my egg quality isn't going to be any better. I was surprised at costs he listed for the donor egg cycles. They weren't nearly as much as I thought they would be and he has pretty good statistics for pregnancy with donor eggs. He does split donor cycles which is where two people split the cost and the eggs of the donor. Usually you still end up with enough for a fresh cycle and at least 1-2 FET's with the split cycle. The cost is really not that bad compared to other mentions I've heard on cost. The cost for a known donor cycle (using my sister) would be about the same as the split cycle but I would get all the eggs. Still though it's less than I thought I would have to save so that is a huge plus. I'm encouraged by this. So I am planning to move forward to donor eggs using sister and if for some reason that doesn't work out the cost for anonymous donor isn't that much of a difference. We talked again about the rash I get with the meds. His first thought was that it was from one of the carriers in the injectibles but when I mentioned that I start getting it with the bcps he didn't know what to think. It was worse this time than the first cycle. I actually still have it some but am hoping that after my period (whenever the hell it shows up) maybe my hormone levels will drop more and it will go away. Please. I'm tired of itching.
My friends Jan and Jim from home are in SF this week and on Friday I'm planning on driving up there to spend the day with them. I'm excited about that. I can't wait to see them. I am trying to figure out where I might be able to park outside of SF and take Bart or something in and where to meet. Otherwise not much going on. It was really busy at work the last couple nights I was there. It was kind of nice the nights flew by.

Discouraged And Annoyed

I'm so discouraged. I feel like an absolute failure at anything I ever try. Logically I know this isn't true (hell I made it through nursing school) but it feels true at this moment in time. What brought this on? The running commentary that I seem to be getting about my weight. I know people mean well and I'm not trying to be hurtful to anyone who has ever tried to encourage me in the past about losing weight but guess what. I know I'm fat. I certainly don't need anyone to fucking tell me I am, either directly or indirectly. The night before last I had a coworker pick up my soda bottle (hello, hands off my drink) and read the label and say "300 calories, that's an entire meal!" Thanks but butt out. I drink 1 a day for the most part and while I'm aware that it's empty calories it's also calories I like. I can't do diet sodas because my body does not tolerate the artificial sugars well at all. Yes I'm aware I could do without soda but I don't need to be bitched at by someone I hardly know about my choices in beverages. This morning right before I left work another coworker proceeded to tell me that I really should "try" to lose weight. I know that she was trying to be helpful and she wasn't trying to be mean. But again. I KNOW I need to try to lose weight. I don't need people pointing out to me that I've got a problem. And yes I am probably more sensitive to this right now since in the aftermath of another failed IVF and what feels like the loss of a dream to some extent I have managed to gain even more weight. Which makes me feel like a complete and utter fucking failure. I can't stop eating. And the comments on such simply make me want to eat more. I know I've got a problem. I know that my fibromyalgia is worse the last few weeks and at least in part is because of the weight although is likely also related to the extra hours worked and lack of sleep. I know the last few days I have freaking cankles for some damn reason I can't figure out. I know I feel like shit. I don't need to hear indirectly that I look like shit too. I'm a failure at weight loss, I'm a failure at men, at getting pregnant or staying pregnant, and if I were to sit here and wallow a while longer I am sure I could come up with other things I feel like a failure at. There is a part of me that wants to just give up. Eat to my hearts content, forget about babies and pregnancy cause it might not ever happen. I'm tired of feeling guilty about everything I put in my mouth. Funny thing is that a few years ago I decided I was going to quit worrying about my weight. I was just going to be me and if others didn't like it tough. And I lost weight. Not a lot, not enough to be considered any where near a normal weight but I lost. Then I started thinking about babies and I've been gaining since. Just a pound or two here or there, then lose a pound or two. This time though it's a lot more than a pound or two and I feel worse than I've felt in a long time. Then I get the commentary on my weight and it makes me want to eat more and scream at everyone to leave me the fuck alone.
Yes I also know I'm likely being overly sensitive because I already feel like shit.

Thank Goodness

My heat is restored. The repair man got here yesterday just after I had gotten naked and was getting into the shower. Hurry up and put clothes back on to answer the door. He spent a good 5-10 minutes fiddling with the thermostat to figure out how to change it from Celsius to Fahrenheit. I kept saying I didn't care how the temperature read as long as the heat came on. Finally he went outside to go on the roof to look at the actual furnace. Whatever he did up there worked. Then he came in the house and changed the thermometer to one that reads Fahrenheit. It's not programmable like the old one was but I didn't really like the programmable one that was here. It had 4 different time slots per day and 7 days per week and I would have had to program each one or just put it on a temp and push the over ride hold button and leave it there. Since my schedule varies from week to week the idea of programming it to turn down on days I'm not home was crazy. I had one of those heat dish things for about 24 hours to keep warm. It was kind of funny. Sara would get as close to it as she could and sit there for about 30 seconds then she would get to warm, let out a squeak, jump in the air and run off, then come back in a few minutes and do it all over again. Cats are so funny.
Not much else going on. Last night was another slow night at work. To the point where I ended up taking a bit of a nap. Until my coworker came and woke me up complaining I was snoring. I never notice it since I live alone and the animals really don't care if I snore. Oh well.

What A Day

It has been a heck of a day today. Actually it sort of started yesterday. I was off work last night and yesterday after I got off work I stayed up all day. I had a dresser I had found on Cra*igs*list to go pick up and then I was reading a book. I noticed in the afternoon that I was cold and my thermostat said it was 18 degrees Celsius (I don't know why it gives me the temp in Celsius and I can't for the life of me figure out how to change it but I've figured out that to keep it around 20 is about perfect). I couldn't get the heater to turn on at all but I was tired and I went to bed instead of dealing with it. I don't know why I didn't call the owner last night, I think I was just brain dead. So this morning I wake up and it's now like 16 degrees in the house and I'm freezing. Plus I need groceries and don't have much to make for breakfast. I decided to shower and then go out for breakfast to somewhere warm and called the owner about the heater and left a message. I got as far as the garage. I couldn't get my alarm to turn off but I tried the door and it opened so I thought maybe I just hadn't set it. Then I noticed that my digital clock was blank. My first thought was "that's not a good sign". And it wasn't. Car was dead, no click no nothing. After talking to Bleu I went to a neighbors house and got someone to help me jump start my car. It took almost 20 minutes to get it going and then when I left to go drive around it kept trying to die every time I stopped. I was freaking out. My car is only 3 and a half years old and I couldn't figure out what it was. While the neighbor was jump starting my car he mentioned some lights that were staying on. I thought it was part of the headlights. When my car is running there are some lights that do stay on. So finally got the car running and drove it to a battery shop. Turned the car off and the lights were still on. Waited for them to turn off and they didn't. The guy at the shop got into my car and started playing around with switches and hit a switch on top of the steering wheel and turned the lights off. Turns out yesterday I must have somehow hit the switch when I was resetting the trip odometer and it killed my battery. I felt so stupid. I finally told the guys I was blond in another life which gave them all a good laugh. Scooby is now running just fine. House is still cold but hopefully the owners parents will be by to fix it soon.
I got more stuff unpacked which is good and I finally have my clothes out of the boxes on the floor and into a dresser which is really nice. I also have a desk now (again thanks to the above mentioned list place) and can have my sewing table back.
I hope everyone else has had a good Monday and I also wanted to thank everyone for the support you all provided with your comments on my Adopt post. I greatly appreciated the support and the input.

Show And Tell

So I don't know if this qualifies so much for show and tell but I couldn't resist sharing this.
The other night at work was really slow. Actually the last week has been really slow. Like I've had 2 patients all week slow. So I was cruising around you&tube to find something to do. I had been looking at Cornish Rex cat videos since I have 2 cornish rex cats and found some cute ones. I have a co worker who has a sphynx cat so he told me to look for sphynx videos. And I found this one:



And I laughed so hard at it I couldn't stop. Especially the part about half way through where they all look like they are doing a carefully choreographed dance. So funny. Makes me want a kitten. yes I know I don't need a kitten. My two cats keep me plenty busy but how cute and funny are these guys.
So what do you all have to show for show and tell today?? Head on over to Stirrup Queens and join in the fun. And don't forget while your there to click the link to go over and vote for Stirrup Queens on the 2008 Weblog awards for best medical blogger.

Adopt

Why don't you just adopt?
As an infertile how many times have I heard this question? To many times to count. Sometimes it feels like the person offering the suggestion is truly trying to be helpful. Usually it is difficult to know how to respond. How to offer a short explanation about how it's not as simple as "just adopting". I had a coworker a couple weeks ago ask me this question. I tried my somewhat usual response and she responded that she would never adopt. That she had been adopted at the age of 8 and that she had always felt like she didn't belong. However a week later the same person asked me the same question again. Leaving me to wonder what she was hoping to hear from me. Validation that adoption is ok and that she is ok? Or maybe she was just tired and forgot that she had already asked me that question.
I admit that I'm not sure how I feel about deciding to adopt right now. Not that I am against adoption. Not at all. I think it's often a great path to being a parent. Hell, I'm adopted. And I really don't feel resentful about the fact that I'm adopted. I had a great childhood for the most part. My parents were very loving and I was never made to or allowed to feel like I was less because of being adopted as a child. As an adult I went through a brief time when I was dealing with some fairly severe depression where I felt like no one wanted me but I tend to think that was more related to the depression. I don't have much of a relationship with my mom these days but I feel this has a lot less to do with my being adopted than it's related to her crazy ass religion.
Somewhere down the road I may decide that adoption is the route I will take to become a parent. Right now though it's not a path I'm ready to consider. It's not that I think my genes are so superior that I have to pass them along. Heck part of me feels badly at the idea of passing along my fat genes to any poor child. The idea therefore of moving on to donor eggs (or embryos) isn't a horribly difficult transition for me. Granted yes I will admit to feeling a bit sad that there will be no biological connection to my child by using this route since I'm single and don't have the fathers connection. It makes me a little sad to contemplate that I will not see a bit of me in my child someday. It scares me that my child may someday resent me for using ART (it scared me a bit before too) but I also believe that I have the tools necessary to make any child I have feel loved and wanted and basically well adjusted regardless of what path I take to get there. I believe my parents gave me those tools. To me the part that seems so important at this point is I want to experience pregnancy. I want to have a newborn. I want to know what it feels like to feel my baby move inside me and to breast feed my baby. I want it all. I want sticky poop diapers and spit up and funny looking umbilical cords that dry up and fall off.
Yes I am aware that adoptive parents can have this if they adopt a newborn. I just feel though that as a single person my opportunities are not as open as if I were married. I know that it does happen that single women are chosen to adopt (Pepper I'm thinking of you :)) but I also know that there are a lot more couples looking to adopt and yes I feel that while I have a lot to offer a child there are still many who see a couple as being able to offer more. Yes I am aware that I could go the route of foster adopt but I truly don't feel this is a good plan for me. I don't think I can go into a situation knowing that I'm taking a child who could be taken away from me at any time to be returned to the parent. I also am very frightened by the idea of adopting a child who has been exposed to drugs or an older child. Yes I know that these children need homes and love too but I also know that not everyone is equipped with the things necessary to be able to provide a home for these children. I don't think that this makes me a bad person or a bad potential parent to say that I don't know if I could handle the additional stresses of taking on a situation such as that. What bothers me about the "Why not just adopt question" is that it's assumed that since getting and staying pregnant isn't easy for me that I should simply be happy and thankful to take anything I can get and not to feel sad about what I would possibly be giving up. It's those dealing with IF who are recommended this option. It's not the young couple who is just deciding to start their family. How many times do people suggest to fertiles "why not just adopt instead of having children, there are so many children who need homes and love?" Probably not often. Yet again I often feel like people think I'm not good parenting material since I still at this point desperately want an infant and would really prefer to carry that infant myself.

A New Year And The Year Past

I've spent a lot of time thinking in the past few days about my past year. I saw another post last night where a blogger thought at the end of 2007 that 2008 was sure to be a better year, now she was thinking that 2009 would be. I related to that feeling. 2007 brought my first chemical pregnancy. I felt hopeful by that knowing that I could get pregnant. This time last year I was so excited. I was days away from starting my stim meds for my first IVF cycle. The cycle I was soooo sure would work. So sure that I had told myself and everyone else that it was my last cycle and that if that didn't work I was just going to move forward with a foreign adoption. I was sure that 2008 would be a stellar year full of many fantastic things. I was sure that I would be a mom by Christmas and I would be spending the holidays at home with my new baby. Now I feel so unsure about everything. This past year has brought not one but two failed IVF's. I've now had 3 chemical pregnancies and the fact that at least I know I can get pregnant is no longer a hopeful thought and does nothing to make me feel better. I am in a new place and while I like this place I don't know if it feels like it's home. I miss Jan and Jim back in Washington so much but outside of missing them I don't know if I would move back there again. I've come to love California. I never thought I'd say that but I do.
I was reading another blog post a few days ago about not being a parent at Christmas. It made me think about how sure I had been last year that I would be a parent by this past Christmas. Then I realized that even if things go as planned I won't be a parent next Christmas either and I wanted to just sit and cry. Because even if things go as planned I won't be able to afford to try again with donor eggs before probably this time next year. I have to be honest here when I say the idea of sitting here in a holding pattern for at least the next year and doing nothing is making me a little bit (or maybe a lot) crazy. The thought of waiting sucks really bad. It also makes me feel like I'm putting my life and happiness on hold until I can afford my next try. Which isn't totally true as I'm still living my life and all but is sort of true too. I was thinking that I'd try to get out and see more and do more this year since I'm not going to be TTC. I'd love to take a few trips. I'd love to maybe go to DC and go to one of the TOOTPU gatherings, maybe see a friend in Virginia whom I haven't seen in close to 11 years. Wow Becky, I can't believe it's been that long. However much of the getting out and doing more will cost money which I need to be saving or using on bills. I am going to try to do some things. I plan to find a quilting class to take. I've been wanting to do that for a long time. I'm even considering a short and inexpensive cruise. I don't plan on sitting home and moping all year. It still just hurts so damn bad to wait another year or more. Sometimes I even find myself thinking that I could just quit which in some ways and on some days feels like it might be less painful to just give up. I could quit trying. I'd be ok. Which does give me hope that if this were to never work I'd be ok. I wouldn't die. I'd be devastated but I'd be ok. I think about how I do have a good life and how I could enjoy things that I wanted. I could travel, spend my money on whatever I wanted, it wouldn't matter if I lived in a condo and therefore I could live in more expensive places that I wouldn't consider with children. But I think that somewhere down the road I would regret not trying everything possible. Just thinking of the what next though is so discouraging and disheartening that I find myself wanting to bury myself in a book again and not think. Not think about what my next step is and when it might occur. Not think about how no matter what I do in the meantime it feels as if a part of my life is at a standstill.