What Was Supposed To Be and What Is

So I finally had a bit of free time and was going to post some before and after pictures of my dresser that's all finished now. As usual though there is a bit of a wrinkle to that plan. See the other day I had posted a desk on CL that I had bought off of CL but got home and realized it was too big. No big deal, I paid $15 and sold it for $30. Works for me. The person who called called around 9pm and wanted to come get it that night as she was worried I would sell it to someone else the next day before she could come over and get it. I said sure whatever and told her how to get to my house, hell I wasn't planning on going to bed any time soon. Then as soon as I hung up I realized what a dumb ass I can be in the thinking things through department because I was inviting total strangers to my house late at night. I reasoned that I had heard kids in the background. In the meantime I hid my expensive stuff before they got here because of course not knowing where the laptop is will stop them from murdering me or something, put a weapon of sorts close at hand (good ol trusty hammer) and made sure I had the phone in hand when I answered the door in case I needed to call 911 quickly. Yes, Bleu, I know. Not so bright. It was fine though. Nice couple about my age. Wife had a little guy looked like 3ish hanging off her like a monkey, he wouldn't even let her set him down to carry out the desk. So I helped her husband carry out the desk we laughed together about the craziness of going to a strangers house at night and they went off on their merry way with the desk. I went and dug out my computer of course since I can't live a day without it. However I discovered another issue today. I can't for the freaking life of me remember where I hid my damn camera and whether or not I pulled it out of hiding and subsequently set it down somewhere I can't remember or if it's still hidden. Hopefully I manage to find it before... oh say Christmas. Anyways, as soon as I find it I'll post pics of the dresser and hopefully take it to work on Friday so someone can take a pic of me in my Halloween costume.

Garage Sales

I've done garage sales before but it's been a while. I'm aware of the whole offering less for something. Yesterday though seemed a bit crazy. I had people offering a dollar for things that to me were worth way more. And walk away when I insisted on more. It seemed that I only had a few items that sold for more than $1 or $2. I had a couple of pans, a set of photo albums and a dog food bin. Other than that it seemed like it was one or two. I still did ok and got around $80 but some of the things that I thought I would sell didn't. Oh well. Not bad for a morning of watching a bunch of people dig through someone elses junk. I did have a couple of things that seemed to disappear. Nothing worth much money but the were gone. I also though got a fun find. I have mentioned before that I collect/buy Daisy Kingdom stuff, particularly the stuff with Nina the bunny on it. I found a Daisy Kingdom bag among my friends stuff that had Daisy Kingdom fabric in it. I was so excited by that find.

Yesterday afternoon I felt a little like I was getting sick as I had the beginnings of a sore throat but it seems to be gone today. I hope. I took some air*borne yesterday and took a nap which I think helped. We started the garage sale at 5:30 am so I hadn't gotten much sleep. This morning I feel fine. Other than almost falling off the treadmill. I went over to work out this morning. I was on the treadmill and had increased the speed as I'm working on increasing my endurance, calorie burn etc. I went to wipe the sweat off my face and stumbled and was going fast enough that I almost went flying. Kind of scary at the time but funny to think about after I was trying to regain my footing while holding on and hoping not to go flying off the treadmill when luckily I remembered the emergency stop thing that you're supposed to attach to your clothes (it hooks to your clothes and then is attached by a magnet and if you pull it off by getting too far away or loosing your balance it stops the machine) and yanked that off the treadmill and it stopped instantly. After that I was a bit too afraid to get back on it but still wanted to workout for another 10 minutes so I did the ellipitcal. I made it 10 minutes on it too. I haven't done too good with exercising this last week as I've had so much going on first thing in the morning. I hope to do better this week.

Now that I've cooled off a bit from working out I think it's time to start sanding the dresser drawers.

Sticks And Stones

Sitting here tonight playing one of my computer games when I should be working on gathering more stuff for the garage sale I'm joining in on tomorrow. I found myself thinking back to a conversation that happened at work last night. Several of us were sitting around and one was talking about something someone she cared for said to her and how much it hurt her and damaged their relationship. It made me think about things that people say either knowingly or unknowingly that are hurtful. How much those things said can damage our hope, spirit, and psyche and yet how often many people internalize that hurt and don't speak out or speak up. How we may rationalize that the speaker didn't mean it to be hurtful or that in some way they are right and therefore we deserve what was said.

How many of us haven't heard the phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me."? I know that I've heard it many times. I'm sure one of the times I heard it was as a child when I went home crying to my mom that this person or that person who I had been friends with yesterday had told me today that they didn't like me or said something mean to me, or told me I was fat or ugly. I remember feeling so hurt that my mom would usually say something like "don't worry about it" or "don't let them bother you". I'm sure that in her mind she was "helping" me. Trying to tell me that people change and paths change and that likely tomorrow my friend and I would be friends again, or that the person saying mean things was jealous of me for something. I'm sure that she rationalized that if I just ignored it, it would go away and that all would be fine. Looking at it now though I realize how stupid that phrase is and how untrue. Words do hurt. Sometimes to the point of beyond healing or beyond repair. You can't take words back, apologies don't wipe them away or delete them. They will always be there in the mind of the hearer. Words can ruin someones hope, dreams, and spirit. Words in the form of bullying have been a reason beyond extreme violence in schools and suicides. Words can hurt so much more than many people even realize. No, they won't break your bones but what they can break is so much more important.

All of this makes me think about the type of parent I want to be, or the type I don't want to be. I don't want to ever be the type of parent that tells my child to ignore it, or that the words won't hurt them. I hope that if ever faced with that situation I can gracefully validate their hurt and champion them to those who have hurt them. I also hope that I can teach them how much words can hurt and that they should never be used as weapons against someone else.

Minimize

Today I've spent the day working on a project that I've been wanting to do for some time and trying to finish unpacking those last few boxes etc. Granted not a very easy task when my inside temperature is 84 degrees. The AC guy is on the roof as I type trying to fix the AC.

I feel like I've been productive though. I have a fairly good sized project I'm working on. I wanted some furniture I could paint. So with a little help from Lori at Just Nesting I've gotten started on that. I bought a sander and first sanded down the dresser and then today I painted it. So far I must say it looks pretty dang good. I still have the drawers to do and the mirror but I think it's going to look really good. I'll post before and after pictures of it when I'm done.

The emptying of the last final boxes, not going as well. I did get Halloween decorations up today though which is nice. My doorway looks festive. Right now part of my dilemma is that I'm tripping over all the stuff that I'm planning to get rid of. I have a ton of stuff to get rid of. Some of it ready to go and some of it I'm still working on. I'm finding though how funny it is the things I develop an emotional attachment to. For instance I sat down today with my 3 storage baskets of IF related stuff. Needles, syringes, expired medications etc. For my last cycle I had gotten a lot of meds that were recently expired and my doc was ok with me using them. It turned out though that I had plenty of up to date stuff and didn't end up using much of the expired stuff. And it's been sitting in my closet for almost a year now, first at the old house then here. For some reason the idea of just throwing this stuff in the garbage was so difficult. It made me sad to see all those (expensive) meds that had never been used. Now they were all like a year past expired and even though I know they never would get used the idea of throwing away something that had cost someone so much money was so difficult to do. Plus the idea that I won't likely ever be using g0nal f again. So, finally almost a year later, out it went. Along with a huge baggie (gallon sized) of Q caps. Those I never would have used since it's just as easy to use a needle. I had a ton of them though. I don't like them, I wouldn't use them at work and yet the idea of throwing them away bothered me. Go figure. I also have a big baggie full of 22 gauge 1 1/2" needles. I finally realized that keeping them is just plain stupid since I have no intention of ever sticking myself in the ass with a 22 gauge needle when I can instead use a 25 gauge needle that hurts less, especially when I'm hoping to do it daily for about 12 weeks. I kept the viv*elle patches of course. I have 3 boxes and while I'm guessing I will need more for my FET that should at least get me started.

Now to go find more things to take to the garage sale and to bring the dresser indoors since it looks like it could rain and that would just seriously piss me off.

Saturday

It's really kind of fun these days having weekends off and having a normal schedule. You know, the Monday through Friday kind? The kind that most nurses never get. I feel really lucky. I also feel really lucky that I have the coworkers that I do and that I've made friendships there.

Next weekend is the garage sale that one of my coworkers is having and I'm taking a bunch of stuff over to contribute to it. I'm hoping to take any money I make and put it in savings for my FET in January. I've been trying to come up with other ways also to earn some extra money. I have a question though for anyone whose done an etsy store. How does it work? I was thinking of maybe making some of my baby blankets that I've been making and selling them in an etsy store. Trying to come up with ways to earn some extra. I'm also looking at maybe picking up some hours with another job for weekends for at least a while. I guess I'll wait and see. Any other ideas??

Now to go shower, I'm all sticky after working out this morning. Yay for me. I've walked on the treadmill 3 mornings this week!! I'm working on it. It's so hard to make myself get up and go do it but I feel so much better after I do.

Show And Tell

I haven't joined in on show and tell for a long time. I however managed to get some amusing pics the other day and thought I'd share. This is why my cats hate halloween. Little Luna in her pumpkin costume:

And poor little Sara in the same pumpkin costume.

I did only buy the one costume as I knew there was no way either one of them would wear it for very long. No they weren't very impressed with it either.

Now head on over to Mel's blog and check out what everyone else is sharing.

Going To The Movies *with a little update*

Or went actually. I went to see "Couples Retreat" with a friend from work. Super funny really good movie. There were a couple of moments where you worried a bit about what they were doing but it was really good. **Oh and I forgot, there is a bit of an infertility subplot** Go figure. After the movie we ended up standing outside for a while talking. I'm not totally sure how we worked our way around to the topic but we ended up discussing my mom and her absence in my life. I know part of it is that a few of my coworkers are now aware that I was formerly associated with the religion that another coworker currently belongs to. I've voiced that I don't want her to know that I used to belong to that religion as I'm afraid it would cause tension. Anyways, we were discussing my mom, the things she has done to hurt me and the mind fuck games she has played with me all based in her brainwashed mind as being the work of God. Talking about it made it hurt all over again. It made me angry that she has checked out of my life completely but yet still feels compelled to say that I've checked out of her life and to lie to my sister and say that she's been in contact with me. It hurts again how she has completely failed to support me as an adult who is capable of making independent decisions. It hurts that she can go on to her friends and the relatives she is in contact with about how she reaches out to me and tries to help me when it's nothing more than a pile of lies. It pisses me off that after 7 fucking years it still can hurt. It pisses me off that I can still feel badly that she isn't at some life event for me or that it's not worth sharing my moments of happiness or pain with her and it pisses me off even more that I would even want to. It makes me angry to think about how she always told me that I was chosen to be their daughter that they longed so much for but couldn't have and so they adopted me because I was special but when I don't turn out just the way she thinks I should have then she checks out. It pisses me off that it was almost 3 years ago when I wrote to her and told her of my decision to become a mom and it took her 3 months to even respond with 2 sentences and she has never bothered to e-mail me or call to ask what happened with that. It pisses me off that my child may not ever have a grandparent. She can play grandma to my sisters baby (hell I guess she even played grandma to my sisters dog before the baby came along) but yet she can act like I don't even exist. Then it all comes back to being so mad that this still hurts me and makes me cry.

Whoohooo!

My blog reader is empty. I'm guessing that is only going to last until tomorrow morning. But I finally caught up with all of Mel's posts which have been building up for a couple of weeks. Sorry Mel. And everyone else.

I went to the old place today and cleaned. And I really truly hate cleaning. But I did. I still have a little to do. I need to sweep out the garage and likely I will have to do another run round the house with the vacuum although it didn't do much good the first time. I hated those fucking floors. Rough stone tile floors. They did accomplish the purpose of my cat not peeing on the floor although she did continue to find other locations. Outside of that they sucked. The tiles were very uneven and dirt would get caught in the grooves on the tiles, in the grout between them etc. Some tiles were higher than others and some had large grout spaces and some very small. So sweeping wasn't much of an option either. I know bare floors are supposed to be cleaner (if you sweep daily) but I hate them. I like carpet. Even the cats were happy with the carpet again. They both roll around on it like they love it and I just buy puppy potty training pads and all is well with Sara too. The new place is still a bit of a mess and I have a huge stack of things to get rid of. The garage sale for this weekend was postponed for a couple of weeks which is good. I find myself also considering what else around my house I can sell and maybe even starting an etsy store although I love giving my blankets away. It's a thought though. Creative ways to an FET.

Now before I yawn myself out of the chair I must go to sleep. No one post for a few hours ok???

Nominated

So this week I've had several people nominate me for stuff which is so sweet. Now if I could figure out how to load the picture for the award on this page I'd be doing great but blogger doesn't seem to want to let me do that. Anyways I was nominated for The Over the Top award by Raining Raining, Confessions of an (Infertile) Shopaholic, and 2 + 1 = family.

The Rules:

• USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.
• Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse

2.Your hair? Brown

3. Your mother? Minnesota

4. Your father? Dead

5. Your favorite food? Potato

6. Your dream last night? vivid
7. Your favorite drink? soda

8. Your dream/goal? baby

9. What room are you in? living

10. Your hobby? books

11. Your fear? spiders

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? beach

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. Something that you aren’t? skinny

15. Muffins? pumpkin

16. Wish list item? furniture

17. Where did you grow up? Washington

18. Last thing you did? sat

19. What are you wearing? pajamas

20. Your TV? New

21. Your pets? two

22. Friends? great

23. Your life? busy

24. Your mood? happy

25. Missing someone? Rhonda

26. Vehicle? Subaru

27. Something you’re not wearing? bra

28. Your favorite store? target

29. Your favorite color? purple

30. When was the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? ?

32. Your best friend? Seattle

33. One place that I go to over and over? Washington

34. One person who emails me regularly? Jan

35. Favorite place to eat? Chilis

I'm not going to tag anyone though so whoever feels like doing it go for it.

Then Rebecca nominated me for the honest scrap award. I am however out of unknown things about me so for now that will have to wait.

I also a while back was nominated for an award by meandbaby and now I can't seem to find it.

Thank you though everyone.

Decision Made

So I've had a lot to think about the last couple of weeks. With the potential of donor embryos that came up a couple of weeks ago and the appointment with the surgeon to discuss the gastric bypass it's been a big contributor to the lack of sleep I had last week. Funny how when I realized I had already made my decision I could sleep again.

Last week I went to the surgeon looking for an out. Looking for a reason to not move forward. Some of the paperwork talked about a 6 month wait and I felt relieved that I had a reason to not do the surgery now. I wouldn't wait 18 months for trying with donor embryos. Then in talking to the doctor I mentioned the 6 month wait and he said that didn't apply to me. It only applied to a certain insurance group and I could be scheduled within 6 weeks. Which left me disappointed. I felt like I should want to wait and try getting pregnant after I was closer to the idea of what I should be before getting pregnant. Yet I totally didn't feel like I wanted to wait. I wanted to try now and not a year or more from now. I know that even though I could get pregnant for quite a few more years thanks to hormones and a good RE I also know that I'm getting older and it doesn't automatically get easier just because I've lost x amount of weight. Yes weight loss is good but I don't necessarily think that I have to get to a certain number for everything to be perfect. If there was such a number I'm guessing I passed it a few years ago. So with a really honest and open talk with the surgeon (who was fabulous and answered all my questions without pushing me one way or another) and some help from an e-mail from the RE and a conversation with a couple of friends from work who used to be L&D nurses I'm moving forward. I'm planning on doing an FET in January. My goal is to spend the next couple of months trying to make healthy eating habits more of habits. Yes I hope to lose a bit of weight in that process. I'd be lying if I said otherwise but I'm trying very hard not to focus on the number. Instead I get to focus on a different number. Cause I have to figure out how to come up with about $3600 by January. That number is a bit of a yikes. I hate to go into debt further but if I have to and I'm able to I will. I guess I'm back to paying attention to those offers for credit cards or something. At least with my new job schedule I have less days off to end up at Target spending money. I never thought this would happen this soon. Hell sometimes I never thought it would happen. Now I have hope again and while I fear falling into hope to completely everything feels new again and I'm looking forward to it, rashes and all.

What A Week

Wow, the last week or two have been busy. I've gotten a lot done though. I'm moved which is huge and I'm about half to 2/3 unpacked. I still need to go clean the house and pick up my flower pots but otherwise I'm pretty much done. I'm going through stuff too and getting rid of more stuff. A friend of mine is having a garage sale and I think I'm going to take a bunch of stuff over and join in. I'm also doing a little bit better at the whole getting rid of stuff that I haven't used for years and have moved way to many times. In some cases it's really hard but it's sort of crazy that I have such an emotional attachment to "things" and ones I never use. I'm working on it. I was watching TV last night and after spending half an hour swearing at women who had "no idea" they were pregnant I watched a show about hoarders. My grandma was a hoarder and to some extent my mom was too. I can see where I could end up like that myself. Sort of eye opening. So, working on getting rid of all those things I've bought to use someday and trying to simplify things greatly. The cats are loving the new place. There is a contained back patio thing where they can go outside which they love and they seem to like the carpet again. They keep stretching out and rolling around on it. I've resigned myself to the whole need for potty pads for Sara. I too prefer the carpet. I no longer have to wear shoes all the time. Nice change. I'm finally sleeping better. I did all weekend. I think it was both being moved and being out of the other place. I was really uneasy there after last weeks scare.

I also need to sit down and post on other TTC stuff. I will I promise. But now, it's nearly bed time.

Mostly Moved

Well most everything is done. The big move at least. The movers worked great and I didn't have to do much at least as far as the moving goes. Once they left though I did plenty of moving things around the house etc. Enough that I'm tired and sore. I did get some of it unpacked when a friend from work came over and helped me unpack. Plus the cable guy was here and got me all connected again. Yippee. Of course now I'm wiped out and headed off to bed. Nitey nite.

Unplugging

The hamster finally let me sleep last night. Or I wore it out with that wheel. At any rate I felt much better this morning. As of right now pretty much everything is packed and ready to go except the TV and all the little bits that go with it and the internet bits. As soon as I'm done here I'm unplugging all the cable stuff so I can take it to my new place and tomorrow someone will come reconnect me thank goodness. Hopefully by tomorrow afternoon everything that is going to the new place will be there and all I'll be left with is some cleaning here. I can't wait. Oh and on Sunday it's supposed to be like 69 degrees. Yay!!! I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Hamster Still Here

But by midnight or so sheer exhaustion is winning. Of course Tuesday evenings events (if any of you saw my little bit of the face place) sort of has contributed to the whole lack of sleep thing. I will be so glad to be out of this house. I have so much to post and talk about but seriously need to try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is Friday and I have the few last minute things to pack and then Saturday is moving day. I don't know when I will have internet at the new place which is a problem but I will post again as soon as I can and fill everyone in.