Happy New Year

So many things are running through my head right now. I don't know what to focus on. So after finishing my post and checking in with everyone else I think I will not think of any of it and read a book. Exciting New Years Eve huh?
You know I was thinking this morning that I'm happy for the arrival of 2008 but when thinking about it, 2007 really hasn't been that bad. Other than the fact that I'm not pregnant yet and that this has turned out to be a lot more difficult that I thought it would be (I thought all I would need was sperm, get it there and I was good) I've actually had a pretty good year. I took off again to California and while Fresno would never have been my first choice of where to spend most of my time it hasn't been bad and I've gotten to get out quite a bit and see other places that I had never been before and I've really had a lot of fun with that. I've paid off all my bills (and created some new ones). I've met some incredibly amazing people that I've been able to share this journey with, many of whom I hope to maintain as friends for many years to come. I'm closer to figuring out what it is I want to do for a career. I know that I would like to work in some area related to women's health. Specifically I would like to do something related to infertility. I would like to share and use the knowledge and compassion I've gained in this crazy journey with others. Someday I will. I'm working towards it, just a matter of finding the right job in the right place.
Today's trip to Pismo Beach was amazing!!! It was 70 degrees and sunny and gorgeous. I actually considered spending the night there but figured that with as busy as it all was a room would be spendy so I drove home. In the dark. Ick. I hate driving on super dark roads after dark. But the day was soooooo nice. I stocked up on apple and pumpkin butter. I have more than enough to last me a while. I also got some new capri pants for like 5 bucks. And some replacement lime green crocs to replace the pair I have nearly worn out. Driving into the area today I was reminded again how much I love it there. I'm always just amazed at how beautiful it is and how much I like it there. So much so that I think about not going home. Especially when I talk to J and here that it was like 20 degrees (it's in the teens now according to my weather reminder thing) there is like a foot of snow with another 7 inches expected. I am so not missing that. I miss it right around Christmas (for about 2 days) and then I'm so glad I'm not there. Which makes me consider staying in California. Which in turn scares me a bit. See, I've never been a big fan of winter. I grew up in the Seattle area where snow was a novelty that happened rarely and almost never lasted more than a few days. I ended up in Spokane because of the cost of living in the Seattle area. I've since discovered that the cloudiness and rain in Seattle don't do me a lot of favors with the seasonal affective disorder. Plus I have one very close friend there and a few family members that I'm really not that close to and not much of anyone else. So I've sort of ruled out Seattle. Several years ago when I finished nursing school I had met a recruiter from Chico, California and was dazzled by the money they were offering to a new grad and by the feeling of being wanted and a very cute little town. When I arrived at the end of June it was much hotter than when I had visited in May. I also had some depression still going on which was made worse by the move so far from home and my friends from school. Being by myself didn't help matters at all and I ended up feeling incredibly isolated since I would hardly leave my house for like the next 3 months until it started cooling off. It also took another 6 months or so to find the right medication for my depression. I spent most of the year I was there feeling like I couldn't wait to leave and go home. Towards the end I started to see why it could be an ok place but I was focused on leaving. When I got home to Washington I was glad to be home and closer to my friends, several of whom I consider my chosen family. Once winter hit last year I remembered how much I hated winter. And snow. But I told myself and everyone else that I was home and I was not moving out of Washington state again. So I'm a bit baffled by how much I feel like I want to stay here. Not necessarily here in Fresno, again it's too hot in the summer. But here in California. I know the taxes are much higher than at home. I hate the thought of being here all alone, especially once I'm a new mom on my own but there are places in California that I love. That I could really see myself staying for good. Maybe not right in Pismo Beach but around that area. And I haven't had much problem this time around with being on my own here but then maybe that is because I know that it's only 13 weeks at a time and if it's too bad I can go home. Would that change if I decided to stay for good. I know tonight I've gotten a bit teary (hormones anyone) at the thought that another year is gone and I'm still on my own. Single. And most of the time I'm sort of ok with being single, I don't have to share my space, take someones decorating ideas into consideration, share the remote or whatever but sometimes I miss what could be if I ever found that right guy. Sometimes I feel like I might be depriving my future child/ren of an extended family. I don't really have any that take much of a part in my life except for my chosen family at home in Spokane and bf R in Seattle. And i don't have a husband or boyfriend to have a family tie for my child. That was on thing that had me leaning toward the known donor back in August was that he wanted to be involved and had parents who would want to be involved. It was family I couldn't give to my child otherwise. And if I was to stay in Cali I would be that much farther away from what little family I do have. But boy do I not miss winter and snow. I love walking barefoot on the beach in December.

My Weekend

Thank goodness for weekends whenever they happen. I'm off tonight and tomorrow and not a moment to soon. I have been sooooo tired. Only 4 more days of BCP's!!!!! It's funny I've been complaining that I hardly ever sleep more than 2 hours without waking up because of needing to go to the bathroom or because of some weird dream and then this afternoon I woke at one and went back to sleep figuring I would wake again about 3. No, I woke up at 6pm. And knowing me I will probably go back to bed by 11 or so and sleep all night. Of course I had more weird dreams today. In one I met my perfect man. He had lied to me at first but once we got that straightened out he was wonderful because he treated me so well. In reality if that happened I don't know if I would know what to do with it. I've also had some really disturbing dreams lately. A couple days ago I dreamed that I was driving not far from my apartment and it was after dark and I hit a little girl who I didn't see until she was right in front of me. That one was realistic enough that it almost felt like a premonition and it totally freaked me out.
Not much else going on. Work is work. On Friday night they floated me to the step down unit which annoyed me. I usually don't mind floating much but this unit is the one that is just a step away from ICU. These people are seriously sick and have medications that I can't even give because I don't have the proper certification. They code frequently which scares the daylights out of me. I was nervous all night. No one coded thank goodness but I really don't want to go back there. It's funny, I used to think I would like to do ICU. No thanks. I now realize I have no desire to do that at all. I don't even think I want to work in a hospital anymore. I've thought about once I've had a baby and I'm not stressed that way anymore going back and trying NICU again but then again maybe I wont. I would probably be fine in a level 2 nursery with sort of sick babies but the really sick and tiny ones in a level 3 nursery while fascinating to see their improvement and all scare me to think of actually caring for them. Anyways I'm just rambling I know. Nothing really going on. I'm going down to Pismo Beach tomorrow for apple butter and pumpkin butter. I can't find any other way to get it so I'm going to go stock up. And while I'm there I think I'll just have lunch at my favorite restaurant in town. Hope everyone had a good weekend. Cali I'm thinking of you and hoping your numbers tomorrow are great.

Today Will Be Better

Ok, first off, Milkmaid what the hell is up that I have not been invited to view your blog?? What's up honey. Oh, ok now I see it. A new look too.
I hope that I finally got everything all straightened out yesterday but it frustrates me so bad. Why does it all have to be so freaking difficult. Why can't it for once just go smoothly. So the office faxed back to Cap*ital One the higher amount so I should get the higher amount. Then the office received a copy of the paperwork that was to be sent out to me to sign. So rather than wait to receive the paperwork I went ahead and drove out to my doctors office and signed that paperwork and they faxed it in to Capi*tal One. So hopefully my check should be here soon. Of course it's all too late now for this to be paid out by the end of the year to go on this years taxes. Oh well. Hopefully I will have enough for deductions this year and next. I also asked at the doctors office yesterday if there was anything else I needed to do before my appt on the 8th and was told there isn't. So I have a scan on the 8th along with lab work and then I think I start my injections on the 9th. Wow. And 6 more BCP's to take. Yay!!!!! I can't wait to be done with those. Last night I dreamed Nick and Michelle brought me a new puppy (a miniature poodle which I don't like) but I kept it anyways, oh and I was living in the hospital at that point. Weird.
My rash is still driving me nuts and no the lotr*imen isn't helping. I finally got my desk mostly organized. I still have a few piles of stuff but not nearly as much. I also organized my music on my computer and deleted all the stuff I couldn't play. So that helps. Then I tried to load it all on my new phone. And it wouldn't fit. Apparently for $300 you only get a small amount of storage (no where does it say how much exactly) but for an extra $50 I can buy an extra memory card. Which really kind of pisses me off. I know that $50 isn't a huge amount but the only reason I picked this much more expensive phone was so that I could use it as an MP3 player also and unless I add to it, I can't do that. So I'm kind of thinking of taking it back and getting something else. Although I do really like the keyboard inside so that I can type out text messages. But not for that much money.
Oh and congrats to Meg and Kris on their twins. And to Cali with her positive hpt's. Heres hoping that beta is great.

Can I Cry Now **Updated**

Ok, I just called Capital One to see why I hadn't received the paper work yet from them. I had called last week and was told it was all confirmed by my doctors office and like 7500 was going to doctors office and 4500 was coming to me. This was likely more than I needed but would cover me for any extra meds, labs etc. So today I called to find out why I still hadn't received my paperwork and was told that it was sent yesterday and I was approved for 7500. WTF????????? They said the office approved it for that amount which basically covers the office fee and the embryology lab fee and that is it. Nothing for what I put on my credit cards for my meds, NO EXTRA for ANYTHING!!! Which means that if I need to come up with extra I won't have it. Of course the billing person isn't in at my office. I can't figure out what the hell happened. I should have known better than to go through Capital One as I've had problems with them before with my credit cards. I'm so freaked out it's not even funny. Oh and the bastard at Capital One's response was "have a nice day" mine was Fuck you. I shouldn't have but couldn't resist. Now I'm waiting for the office to pull my chart and call me back. Oh and last week when I called they said they had 4500 for Dr. L_______, duh stupid, that's me. Now they have no record of that.
Ok, after freaking out, I think it's all fixed. Again. At one point I was on the phone with Capital One crying and telling some lady no she couldn't understand how stressful this was to deal with all the IVF stuff and have to stress about financing. Apparently the problem was the doctors office here had faxed them back saying no, we don't need 12K, we only need 7500 which is why the loan amount was changed. I also was going to have a problem with my check and where it would be sent to since they have my permanent home address and while I had given them my mailing address they didn't seem to have record of that. She tried telling me UPS would forward it. Umm, how would they do that when they have no record of me living elsewhere. She finally got it set up supposedly to send to my address in Fresno. Then I called the doctors office and the person I was talking to (who is my new hero for the day) re-faxed everything for the higher amount and I am going to go out there today and sign the paperwork instead of waiting for it to come in the mail after being forwarded from my home address.
Oh and possible inappropriate ways of dealing with stress would include coloring ones own hair. It's a bit more pink than I had intended. Shit.

I've Been Bad

So as I've mentioned before, I'm a bit of a shopaholic. So yesterday I woke up at 4am not to go shopping but because I had slept all day and night the day before. So since I was up when Tar*get opened and since they had an advent calendar thing I wanted I went over there. I got what I wanted and some cute little tree things for my yard. Well then since I was up I went to Wally's world. I didn't buy anything there but then on my way back home I passed a Hall*mark and stopped there. And bought some ornaments. Well at that store they had a Yank*ee Candle I liked and it seemed like it was a seasonal scent and I know Lin*ens and Things has their seasonal scent candles on clearance and so I went there. They didn't have the scent I wanted but they had this cute little cat toy which I need to now go get batteries for. Well then since I was on that side of town I thought I would go to Barnes & No*ble and see if I could find some books as I am out of things to read and next to B*arnes & Noble is another Hallmark so I thought I would see if they had any different ornaments on clearance which they did. Oh and then on the way home I stopped at See's C*andy. So, I've been bad. Oh and then the cell phone place called and said my new phone was in and to finish paying for that was a bit more expensive than I thought it would be. But hey, I have my new phone!!!! It's the Ver*izon version of the I Ph*one. So far I really like it. Anyways, I spent way more money yesterday than I had planned to spend. This wouldn't be a problem except when I got paid last week I had finished paying off my dell account (yay another bill paid off) and so this left me a bit short this week. Oh well. It's all good and will work out anyways.
I also finally got a doctors appointment. One of the offices called back while I was out shopping and was asking me what doctor I wanted to see. Hmm, I don't know I called about 8 different places the other day. They did end up getting me in to see a PA. I got my BP med switched. It's to a really old BP med but the reason it's viewed as ok for pregnancy is because it's been around so long and has been used more by pregnant women. Ok whatever. That's done. Of course I showed the PA my rash and other places I've been itching. The rash she thinks is fungal (basically under my boobs and behind my knees in place where I sweat) so she recommended Lot*rimen. The other itchy places she said she couldn't see a rash and it must be dry skin. Use more lotion. While I'm not necessarily convinced, whatever, I will give it a shot. My BP was up a little, thank you BCP's. Thankfully I have only 7 more days of those damn things to go. I haven't had a good night or days sleep in almost a month. I wake up about every 2 hours from either a need to go pee or from weird ass dreams. I've had more weird dreams lately than I can ever remember having. Most I don't even remember but some I do. For instance my ex wasn't any more interested in sex in my dreams than he was in real life. I've had a few of the awful ones I had for a while about my mom being horrible to me. Some about my sister. Just stuff. I will be so glad to be done with BCP's. I'm also anxious to start using all those expensive meds in my fridge.
Today I really need to work on cleaning my house although I would like to take a road trip. See and this might sound like a stupid reason but oh well. I love apple butter and pumpkin butter on my toast in the morning. Specifically H*arry and David's apple and pumpkin butter. Well I ran out a couple of weeks ago. So tried to go online to buy some but no, that's not an option. The closest store to me is about 140 miles away at Pismo Beach. I have looked around town for some good apple butter and have been unsuccessful so far. And I am really craving this stuff. So I want to drive down to get some. But know that is probably a stupid reason. I doubt I will go today though as if I don't do something with my desk it will drive me nuts.
Well I hope everyone is having a good day. Oh and now this damn thing won't let me spell check.

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas Everyone. I'm just home from work and getting ready to go to bed but thought I would post here first. Last night at work went so slow. I was orienting someone who has been there for a while who pretty much took the whole team and I had nothing to do all night. Except to go hold a baby for a bit. We are right next to the peds rooms and one of the nurses knows I worked NICU and was asking me how to get a sick baby to stop crying. I offered to come hold her. She just wanted someone to interact with. She has RSV and sounded pretty congested but she was very cute. I miss the holding babies part of NICU. Otherwise thought it was very slow. Makes for a very long 12 hours.
It's been kind of hectic the last few days. Saturday night at work we had a potluck and it turned out to be almost all sweets. I bought some cream puff things at Cos&tco and I have to say, I can never, never, ever buy those and bring them home. I could (and would) happily eat the entire container. I've been eating so much junk lately it's just crazy. Granted I seem to do this every year at Christmas but still. I had hoped to drop about 10 pounds before the stim meds so that when I gained that much just from the meds it wouldn't be as big of a deal. Oh well. Oh and I've gotten to try some interesting foods the last few days. We have several nurses who are from different places and they will occasionally bring food that is common to their country. I got to try what I think is the weirdest thing so far. Nothing against those who like it of course. It was corn and cheese ice cream. I hate to say it was kind of yucky. The yam and coconut one was much better. Very different. Then last night someone brought good enchiladas. Yum.
Still need very badly to find a doctor this week or I may end up scratching my skin off. Has anyone had before a long lasting rash/itchiness (it doesn't always show a rash but itches like hell) that was related to hormones. I have had this for a long time off and on, since about May. It's driving me crazy.
B & K, I'm so sorry that about the egg retrieval and switch to IUI. That truly sucks and know that in my own way I'm praying that it won't matter and you will still get the BFP. Tracey, I'm so happy and excited for you and your BFP.
Well, not much else is going on right now. Thanks everyone for the comments on my last post. Rainbomoms thanks for the church recommendation, if I do ever decide to try church again I will look into that one. Also Bleu, thanks for the very good point. I would never want my child to feel like this, like they were unloved by God (or anyone else) and unlovable. I will try to remember that more often.

Faith And The Lack Of

I’ve read a couple of different posts this week that in one way or another discussed faith and God. Reading a post earlier this week by Rajen I was reminded again of my lack of faith and that I sometimes envy the faith that others have. I admit that I am always amazed at the faith of others. Especially those who have been mistreated in various ways in the name of God and or Religion and yet they still manage to have strong faith. I find myself wishing that I could have that kind of faith. My problem with faith isn’t really that I don’t believe in God, I do because there are too many amazing and wondrous things in life to just be explained by randomness. I guess my lack of faith is that God would actually take the time to listen to me. Part of this I believe goes back to my religious upbringing. As I’ve mentioned before I was raised in a very religious home (Jehovah’s Witness) and to my mom, that religion was the ONLY way of doing things. I was taught that if a person wasn’t part of that religion then not only would God not listen to their prayers (unless of course they were looking for the true path at which point you would be led to that religion) but also that person was in fact doomed to die. That God would forget me. I was discouraged if not outright forbidden to have friends who were not the same religion as why make friends with someone who not only may influence you to do something against God but who was doomed to death. Dating or marrying someone of a different faith was grounds for removal from the congregation. As a small child I was told about how those of my religion along with the Jews and other groups were tortured in Germany during WWII and how that could happen again some day. That someone could come and take me away from my mom and dad and put me someplace awful and torture me and maybe even kill me to get me to say things against God and that if I gave in to the torture God would forget me forever. Needless to say as a child I was afraid of the dark and everything else.
I also was brought up to believe that there was a very strict list of guidelines that must be followed no matter what and by disobeying these guidelines I could cause God to turn away from me for good. So as a child and then as a teenager, I spent most of my younger years feeling like I was a bad person who God couldn’t possibly love because I wanted to do the same things my peers were doing. And I’m not necessarily talking about the really bad things like drugs, crime etc but things like dating, rated R movies that I wanted to see, holding hands with a boy and kissing a boy. I have wondered in the past couple of years if the reason that I have no self esteem at all is related to the fact that I spent so much of my younger years feeling like I was a bad person whom God would not listen to.
I do think that I have always lacked faith that what I was taught to be the truth about God, religion and how life would be was actually the way things would turn out. When I left the religion for good, a part of me shut off. I wanted to have fun. I wanted for the first time in my life at the age of 29 to have a boyfriend and to have a physical relationship with him. I wanted to drink to get drunk once in a while. I wanted to celebrate Christmas. Even though I think a part of me still believed that all of these things were wrong, I still wanted to do them. So around that time I quit praying. Since I was sinning and doing horrible things, hence being a horrible person, God wouldn’t listen to me anyways so why bother. I couldn’t pray and ask for things that were wrong and I couldn’t ask for forgiveness when I wasn’t really sorry that I was sinning by having sex. Then my mom’s reaction (even though I pretty much knew what it would be) to my whole decision pushed me further away from the desire to pray or have faith or be a part of religion, or have a spiritual relationship. I will say that at some point I did decide that I wasn’t necessarily a bad person and that much of what I had been taught was lies made up by men and that the religion I was raised with was more of a cult than anything. Yet I still haven’t found my way back to faith of any sort.
In more recent years the bigotry I’ve seen in religion and the things that I’ve seen have pushed me even further away from faith. I worked for a company while I was finishing nursing school where I did private duty in home nursing and of course the family whose home I worked in were Devout (with a capital D) Christians. They only watched certain programs on TV, couldn’t stand to see even commercials for “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy” on TV, listened to only Christian radio stations etc. While they were nice people I always felt very uncomfortable in their home. I disagreed with so much that they devoutly believed in and their attitudes of being better than those who didn’t believe drove me crazy. I was constantly chewing on my tongue to avoid responding truthfully to their daily comments on what was “right”. I felt that as a professional I was required to keep my opinions to myself but it drove me crazy when they spoke of their views on gay marriage or even God. Knowing all the while that if they truly knew what my beliefs were that I would be removed from the schedule and not be at their house any longer. I can’t understand that bigoted point of view. That home alone made me decide that working in people’s homes on a regular basis really wasn’t what I wanted to do as a nurse.
I also have a friend whom I have been a close friend with for many years who found religion in a big way several years back. This person who thinks of herself as a good Christian several years back wrote a letter to her sister telling her how much she couldn’t stand her sisters husband. In the years since then she has not once apologized to her sister for this and still stands by her decision as being the right choice. When pointed out that the letter was not loving, she gave her sister a list of scriptures saying how she is good and different from others and how this is important to be accepted by God. Needless to say I have a difficult time continuing that friendship.
I will also admit that I have a difficult time separating religion and God. I know that they are not the same, and I know that there are religions that don’t teach hatred but I have a hard time separating the two. I can’t see myself as ever being someone who goes to church regularly. I have a hard time understanding how God can allow a drug abusing woman who doesn't even want a child to become pregnant and go on to damage her baby while there are women who want children so badly who are unable to become pregnant. Or how God can allow a helpless child die of some horrific disease despite how many people are praying for the life of that child.
All of this has left me with a very large lack of faith. At a time in my life when I wish so much that I had faith, this has been difficult. I want to be able to pray to God to please let me be a mom. I like how Cali put it in her post to “please allow it”. I want to ask for that. And to some extent I have asked for that, for myself and others lately. I’m trying to believe or to at least pray in hopes that somewhere along the line I will start to believe. But I’m still not sure if I believe that God will listen. Part of me still feels like he won’t listen to me because I’m asking for something “bad”. To be a single mother. To take sperm from a man who is not my husband into my body in an effort to create a baby outside the confines of a marriage. I actually remember years ago my mom telling me once about someone from our religion who went against the beliefs of the church and used donor sperm in an attempt to become pregnant when her and her husband had been unable to conceive naturally. She seemed to actually feel justified in believing that the wife deserved to become infected with HIV since she had disobeyed “Gods laws and plans” for her by wanting a baby so bad that she would use donor sperm. I find myself at times defending myself by thinking that if God had allowed me to find the right man that I would be happily married and having babies the old fashioned way. Even though that possibly or even likely isn’t true. I catch myself thinking how can I ask God to help me or to allow me to be a mother when I am so lacking in faith in him while there are others who believe in him so strongly and have been through so much more than I have who still are unable to attain that dream of motherhood. He doesn’t seem to answer their prayers, why would he listen to me and help me. How am I deserving.
The funny thing is that I have in the past what seems to be evidence that just maybe he does listen to me. Several years ago when I was a broke full time student with no medical insurance I couldn’t afford my anti-depressant meds. At that time the meds were still close to a hundred a month, which was more than I could afford. Since I wasn’t taking my meds, it was winter and school was incredibly stressful I ended up dropping into a very bad depression. To the point where I was actually suicidal and somewhat irrational. I imagined that my two closest friends in nursing school didn’t want to be around me, avoided me, regularly made plans without me and purposely excluded me. This belief of course depressed me further. On one night I was so severely depressed that all I could do is cry and wish I were dead. Now I did still believe that suicide is a sin but I wanted so badly to escape the pain that was my life. I didn’t want to live anymore. I had earlier in the day responded to an e-mail from a classmate and I am sure to some point that my bleakness showed through. However later that night, about 9 or 10pm as I became more despairing I found myself for the first time in years praying. I begged God to help me. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and that I wanted to just die. I couldn’t be alone and live with the pain. I begged him to help me if he wanted me to live. About 20 minutes later my phone rang. It was my classmate Sue and she said she had just felt like she needed to call me. We talked for about an hour. I never mentioned that I had been close to giving up. But even without knowing she had possibly prevented something huge, she helped me over the hump. Even though it was quite a while yet before my depression really went away, that was the worst night. And believe it or not I do really believe that God listened to me that night. Which is why I’m so puzzled and even a bit distressed by my lack of faith now and my difficulty in believing that God might actually listen to my pleas to become a mother.
I’ve been trying. Muddling through prayer for others and myself as best I can. And I’m hoping. I am trying not to think of the IVF not working. But when others talk about praying that it works or their faith in God’s plan for them, I end up still feeling like something is missing and wondering if that missing piece will prevent me from becoming a mother. Will God not allow it because I lack the faith.

Package Found and Other Thoughts

So I finally hit the post office this morning again since they didn't seem to be in much of a hurry to locate my package without my prodding. After sitting there for about half an hour and complaining to the branch manager it was finally found. I complained that I had been home all day and that I had doubts that the mail carrier had even tried to deliever it to my door. The managers response was "wasn't that the day it was raining all day?" Well yes but isn't that part of their motto? Who gives a shit if it was raining. Anyways the package was finally found. And dang it, I was wrong, there are NO COOKIES!!!! There is fudge, but I was really looking forward to the cookies. Bummer.
I also went out and ran some errands etc. Remember back the end of July my day from hell and the accidental needle stick? Well, I am happy to say that something good has finally come from that. On that day I had an HIV, Hep B and Hep C lab tests drawn/done. So for my IVF, I don't have to have those tests done!!! I finally went to medical records and picked up my results after lots of waiting and filling out forms and showing of ID. And about $300 worth of lab work was paid for by my employer. I don't really feel a need to repeat the tests as the patient was tested also and tested negative for everything. Dr's office said that as long as the labs were drawn within the last year it was all good. So then I went and had the RPR drawn and that one only cost me $36. Whew. Something not horribly expensive. I also tried to make an appointment to find a new doctor down here since the RE wants me to switch BP meds and I am seriously doubting that doctor at home will be willing to do this without being able to see me and follow up with me. Turns out most of the offices went home at like 11 this morning so that will have to wait until next week. I also was trying to make an appointment with a dermatologist to have a couple of moles checked, to try and figure out what these weird little water blister things that keep turning up on my hands are and to maybe figure out what the hell is causing this damn rash that I have had in various places since August. Did you know that in Fresno if you are looking to see a dermatologist and you would be a new patient the earliest possible appointment is July? Holy shit, what if I did have skin cancer. So maybe I can get into a regular doctor next week and they can fix the rash and look at my couple moles I want checked. I still haven't done my laundry though today and since I have no more Christmas scrubs to wear, I should probably do that before tomorrow night.
I work Christmas Eve night and am off Christmas night. Yuck. I thought I wanted ham but in looking at hams I just can't imagine me getting through a whole one by myself. Maybe I'll skip it and on Christmas eve get a take and bake pizza for dinner. Lovely I know. I would really rather be working that day but then I don't really feel like volunteering for an extra day.
Not much else going on in my world. I have house cleaning to do and all that. I have to figure out how to get the cat puke that soaked into the carpet out of the carpet. I should start trying to organize my medical expenses stuff as I think I will have enough this year to deduct from my taxes. I also have a lot buzzing through my mind the last few days or weeks about faith and my lack of. Things that I need to type out and get off my chest or mind or whatever. Maybe I will post that later tonight.

They're Here!!

Meds made it! Very relieved. They showed up about an hour ago. And I took it all out and sort of tried to make a nice sculpture like K but I guess I'm not that artistic or something. So now most of it is back in the fridge. It's interesting to me how different docs prescribe different meds etc. I'm sure they know what they are doing and all but some of this stuff surprises me. My anti-biotic is Tetr*acycline. I didn't even know anyone used this stuff anymore. And I have a box of this progesterone gel stuff that is inserted vaginally so maybe no shots there?? Oh and I paid $5 for another sharps box. Wish I had known about that as I would have skipped it since I already have a sharps box. But then when you are talking about $3000 worth of meds whats another $5.
I also talked to my agent this morning and apparently they had let the hospital here know that I was wanting to stay and the hospital here got back to them right away so I guess I will be staying here. And darn it all I was really looking forward to either going to Oxn*ard or San*ta Bar*bara. Damn.

On Their Way

So I was told that my meds are on their way. And according to the lady at the pharmacy as of 8:30 this morning they are in Oakland. What??? And when are they going to get here?? Hopefully by this afternoon. Of course goofy me never thought about having meds shipped this close to Christmas might not be the best plan. Duh. I had gotten a bit worried as the money was all still in my account and when I called they said they had shipped my meds even though my credit card was rejected because there wasn't enough credit limit available. Which is because the woman I spoke to a week and a half ago to change the shipping date to today and change the billing method must have eaten that note. I mean why else would there be absolutely no record of it. So they should be here today. I have no idea when but they should be here.
And speaking of eating, still no cookies to be found. I'm getting frustrated here.
Also I spoke with my agent for work the other day and we talked about me just staying here which has been my plan. But he planted a seed. About going somewhere else. And now I can't stop thinking about it and thinking maybe it will be a good idea. Since I should be done with all the IVF stuff by the 1st of Feb unless there are problems I won't have any ties here. I won't be able to afford to keep doing this for a while but won't need to because it will work. And a change would be nice. I could always come back if I wanted to. So maybe I will head off on my merry little way.

How Does The Post Office Lose A Package!!!

So last night I had a notice in my mail box that I had a package, it's from my cousin as her's was the last name on the notice. Probably has yummies in it!! And while I'm not positive I am fairly certain since I was home all day that the mail person didn't even attempt to deliver it to my door. I have wondered this before. Also I'm unclear why they didn't leave it in one of the larger parcel boxes we have so I could get it without having to go to the post office. But no. So this morning after getting off the freeway that looked like a parking lot I stopped at the post office and after 10 minutes was told they can't find my package. What??? It was just last night they left a thing saying I had a package, and now they can't find it??? That seriously sucks. So now I will have to go back again.
My meds are supposed to ship today which makes me a bit nervous that they will screw up the billing. I suppose I will see.
My cold is mostly gone and I'm feeling pretty good for the most part (except the still lingering headache from BCP's) and glad for this. I did offer to pick up an extra shift on Friday to make up for missing last night and was told that I wasn't needed and they were way over staffed. So I will just stick to my 3 shifts this week which is what I should have been scheduled anyways. Now I really need to go to sleep.

A Little Better

Cold is doing a little better now. Still kind of stuffy and the sneezes suck but no more runny nose and my headache is mostly gone. Good thing since I really need to go to work tonight. All the sleep I've gotten in the last couple of days has helped too. Yes I am aware that wanting to spend 20 hours a day in bed isn't necessarily a good thing but for now with being sick and all it works. Right now I should be going out and running some errands but it's pouring down rain and I just don't want to go outside until I have to.
Tracey, I'm sending lots and lots of great big high beta numbers wishes for you tomorrow!!!

Ugg

Well the cold I was trying to get last week has finally landed. I went to bed at 2am and slept until 3pm. I woke up with a headache, runny nose, sore throat, eyes burning, and sneezing. Yuck. And see I had been feeling better so I had stopped taking the airborne. Took another dose and called in sick for tonight. I really hate doing that as I'm not one to call in sick often but I really hate to go to work when I'm sick. So I will take an extra night and offer to pick up an extra shift on Friday. Even if I didn't work Friday I'm still ahead on how many shifts I have to work. I have been picking up an extra shift every other week since this contract began in October.
My cats are so funny. They won't leave me alone. They sleep with me all day long and then when I'm up they have to be on my lap no matter what I'm doing. I get such a kick out of them. Luna is right now crawling all over me. My meds should be here on Thursday. Lets hope they charge the various credit cards correctly.
Oh and one other question. I've had people e-mail me responses to my "comments" before to their blog and it shows up in my e-mail. I know you have Mel and someone else too but I can't remember who. How do you do this?? I have had people comment before with a question and would like to answer them back but have never figured out how to do this.

So Many Thoughts

I have so many things running around in my head at the moment. One being that I'm tired and really don't want to go to work tomorrow. But I will. I'm almost done with my contract, like 1 month left. Then at least I get a couple of weeks off. I'm starting to get a bit nervous about the whole IVF thing. Not about doing it. Just scared it won't work. I'm trying really hard to just not think about that and to stop the thought of "what if it doesn't" from running through my head. To just keep telling myself it will work. I'm also having a hard time with not dwelling on things. Things that frustrate me or make me sad. Which I'm pretty sure is related to not taking my happy pill. I tried to wean myself off as much as possible but since my pills were capsules I couldn't cut them in half so I had to just go to every other day etc. I do think that not being on them is part of why my brain is in such constant motion right now. I'm also at the point of what happens in January. Do I stay in Fresno or do I go elsewhere. I was told last night by the manager of the floor I'm on that even though they are fully staffed many of their new employees are new grads and she needs people to train them. So I will still have a contract to stay here if I want to. I hate training new people though. I'm just really not that good at it. It would be much easier to just stay here. Although I'm still a bit homesick. Not really missing the good ol Spokane winter though. Not missing snow at all. Ok, yes this is just rambling. If I were to write about everything that was going through my head it would take forever. Also I'm trying to figure some stuff out. My RE wants me to change my BP med. My doctor at home I am betting will not be willing to do that since he can't monitor me and I haven't had a physical in over a year although he did see me in March. So I need to figure out how to get that med changed, I hate to go find a completely new doctor and try to get all this stuff changed. I also never did get that mammogram my OB wanted me to have, don't know if I have time to get that in. I'd like to find an acupuncturist for this cycle. Wow, so much still to do.

20 More Days

Only 20 more days of BCP's. Yippee! Can you tell I'm tired of them now. Actually what I'm tired of is the sort of just barely there headache which occasionally progresses to very annoyingly there pain. Almost daily. I had forgotten this part. Maybe this is why I had so many problems with headaches over the years. Other than that, no problems. I'm on my 3rd night of work and am sort of beat but one more night and then I can sleep. The Murphy's law cold is sort of just hanging in there and threatening, not really fully appearing. I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Better, Sort Of

So this has never turned into a full blown cold (yet) but is still just lingering. My nose still feels a bit stuffy and my throat a bit raw but otherwise not much. This could be a good sign. I've been drinking airbor&ne which has seemed to help me in the past so I'll keep giving it a try. And keep hoping this doesn't get any worse.
My work schedule for the next month is a lot more user friendly. Thank goodness. I even have 2 stretches of 3 in a row off. And my first thought was "I could go to SF." Except that I probably can't afford to now that I've just spent so much money. We'll see I guess. Not to much else. I've woke up a couple times lately with a headache but I'm not sure if it's the cold or BCP's. I do think the BCP's are sort of wacking my BP out a bit. Yuck.

I'm So Stupid Sometimes

In a Murphy's law sort of way. Yesterday on the drive from San Diego to LA I was telling R how after being exposed to as many germs as I have, I hardly ever get sick and as a matter of fact it had been almost 2 years since I had been sick. About 12 hours later as I was getting ready for bed I noticed that I was getting a sore throat. Granted it's not too bad as I can still sort of breathe out of my nose but seriously, how stupid is this. Now lets hope it doesn't get worse.

Home, Kind Of

At least to my home away from home. I had such a fantastic time this weekend. Disneyland was amazing. The last time (and only time) I had been there was 14 years ago and some things had changed. The whole California Adventure park was totally new to me and absolutely amazing. I loved Soaring over California and the Bug's Life stuff. I also rode the Hollywood Tower thing. Oh wow, that scared the crap out of me as there is nothing to hang on to. That was probably the craziest ride we went on. Everything was all decked out and beautiful. I was so impressed by the whole thing. It's an expensive trip kind of but Disney seriously knows how to entertain. I definitely want to go back at Christmas time again some day. I had a bit of a hard time getting good pictures at night. I did post my pics on my flickr page with the link in the side bar. I usually have a hard time posting them on my blog with my internet connection so I may not post here. Just uploading them to my pic page I lost my connection once, luckily after everything had loaded. Then Sunday night we drove to La Jolla which was a cute little town. I didn't really do too much there. I drove into San Diego for jeans as my new ones that I bought like a month ago the zipper ripped. I didn't have a lot of time there as I had slept so late on Monday. I would really love to go back there sometime so I can go to Sea World and see some of the other sights. Then today R had to work in Santa Monica so I dropped her off there and headed home. I felt kind of bad just leaving her at work but I didn't really have anything to do for the next 5 hours and I really hate driving after dark and was really wanting to get home. I still felt kind of bad about it all the way home though. I am so glad that I had some days off and got to spend some time with R. I always feel so much better after spending time with her. Now tomorrow night I'm back to work with a crappy schedule again for a few days. Hopefully this one will pass quickly and with no meltdowns. Then we're into the next schedule and I had specifically stated that I did not want to work so many days in a row. So hopefully it will be better. No problems so far with BCPs. I take these through Jan. 3rd and then have a scan on Jan 8th. I assume at some point after that I start the cetro*tide. Not sure why I'm doing that instead of Lu*pron but whatever. Oh and my meds should be shipped next week. Although the pharmacy called again yesterday wanting to know if I wanted all 12 things of Foll*istim and were getting ready to ship yesterday. I told them that I had called last week and changed the shipping date which I was told they had no record of but they did have record of my 2 credit cards. It will be interesting to see if they get this right. Not nearly as impressed with this pharmacy as I was the other one. Now I think I'll watch TV for a while before I crash.

Well, I said I was going to exercise more

I had just planned to start slowly, not by spending 12 hours on my feet walking around Disney*land. Oh my aching feet, and knees and back. But oh wow did we have FUN!!!! It is absolutely awesome and unbelievable at Christmas. So beautiful. It snows on Main Street. I will try to post some pics in the next few days. Now I need to sleep. Oh and CD 1 was Friday and I started my BCP's today!!!! Yippee. I've never been so damn happy to be taking those things before. Not even when I was actually having sex.

All Figured Out, I Think

So I got the payment of the meds all figured out. I am charging part of it to my credit card and part of it to my debit card. I figure that if I need to I can skip a car payment this month as I'm about a payment and a half ahead at this point. It should all work out fine. And by the end of the month I should have my money from C*apital One. This is all falling into place. And I still have money to spend this weekend. Yippee. K, I sure hope that old hag AF shows up for you soon and for me too. Here we go everyone I think the fertilicoaster is about to move out again.

Ok, Now Breathe

So is it always crazy getting all of this stuff done?? So I had found out yesterday that my financing was all approved but apparently I had filled some stuff out not completely correctly. They had it down to send the whole amount to the doctors office and I needed some sent to me to cover my meds (which holy hell are 20 dollars short of three thousand!). So I don't know how I thought this was going to work but I think I have it mostly figured out. I just need to have the doctors office send in the confirmation and then the guys with the money send me paperwork to sign and then they send me the money. So I had to tell the pharmacy to delay sending the meds. Yikes. Now my first scan isn't until like Jan 8th so I have a bit of time to work this all out and it will all work but I've spent the last hour on the phone trying to get it figured out. I think I've called the doctors office like 5 times this afternoon. I told them the last time I called that I promised it would be the last time today.
I also have some other stuff worked out. My house sitter had texted me yesterday asking what was up with January and me coming home. I was a bit worried thinking that maybe he is moving in with his girlfriend and doesn't want to keep paying me rent to live there. Turns out they are taking a bit of break and he was worried he would have to go find somewhere else to live. So we are both still in luck and he has a place to live and I have a house sitter. I feel really badly for him though since I know this is not the direction he wants things to go. Hopefully it all still works out for both him and K.
I was going to do some house cleaning today and that really didn't happen. I should work on it tonight. And get packed to go. I did get my Christmas letters done and sent out which is good. Have a great weekend everyone. Oh and one other thing. I know that a couple of you have posted on your blogs a list of things that people shouldn't say to an IF individual. If you have that list and could e-mail it to me that would be great. It may be overkill and not appreciated but should I ever see the secretary from the other night again I am tempted to share and would like to have it on hand.

Moving Right Along

I'm feeling so much better than I was a couple of days ago. So my financing for my IVF is taken care of. Approved in no time at all. That's a relief. I figured it would be but still a relief. Now I need to get a hold of the office and see if they will ask the financier for the money before the end of the year as I really want to get this all paid on this year. I think that will work. They said I could pay early. If not then I guess I will have tax deductions next year. I'd rather have it this year though. So just waiting on AF and CD3 to start taking my BCPs. I asked about that since my OB told me once that I couldn't be on BCP's anymore and was told that it was for just a short time and would be ok. Then I have a scan schedule on roughly the 8th of January. For now I'm supposed to talk to my doctor about switching my BP med to a different one that they prefer I use. Only problem with that is that I doubt he will agree to switch me since he hasn't seen me since March and since I can't see him to follow up that BP med is working. So I think I need to find a doctor down here. I will try first to see if the OB I picked here will switch it. I also need to start weaning myself off of my Pro*zac. My OB at home had told me to keep taking it until I got pregnant but that was before I was spending 10K to get pregnant. This doctor wants me to stop now. I'm a little bit frightened by this whole idea. Because it's winter time, I'm all by myself down here and I'm seriously afraid my mood is going to majorly crash. So I'm going to try AGAIN (yes I know I've been a big failure with this so far) to commit myself to exercising more frequently and eating better. I suppose this means I should also give up my last little bit of caffeine that I have been clinging to like a survivor to a life boat. I've been allowing myself 1 Dr. Pepper a day and I suppose I need to stop that too. I would also really like to look into acupuncture for this cycle but need to see if I can find someone. The lady I saw in Spokane had told me that if the person didn't know what they were doing as far as infertility went they could do more damage than help. I also don't want to get into the whole herbal stuff as I think I'm dumping enough stuff into my body and to add more would not be good. But the acupuncture itself could be helpful. So I still have a lot to do.
My plans for the weekend are all figured out. R is flying into LA tomorrow night and I will meet her either there or at the motel. And we are going to Disneyland!!!!! I've always wanted to go to Disneyland at Christmas time. Then on Sunday afternoon/evening we are driving down to La Jolla as she has to work there Monday and Tuesday and then we come back Tuesday. Busy weekend but I'm going to have fun.
Oh and in answer to a couple of peoples comments about doing a shared risk program with the IVF. This clinic doesn't participate in that program and besides I had researched it several months back and basically I didn't qualify because of my BMI.

A Plan

So I called my doctors office to ask about some billing issues that we had and was told that I had a $40 credit which to my calculations should have been a bit more than that but ok whatever. It was only like a $30 dollar difference to what I thought it should have been. I think that for the IUI they had originally billed me for and IUI with washing of sample and the sample had already come to them prewashed. I also asked if I could talk to someone about the next step. About an hour later the Missy the NP called me back, she is the one I usually see. I told her about this mornings BFN and how I know I'm supposed to test again on Friday but that I'm just not feeling anything like last month etc. She told me I could quit taking the prometrium. I then asked about IVF. To make the long conversation shorter I can get this going for January. I ended up going out to the office today and they did the practice transfer thing where they figure out the distance to the fundus of the uterus so when they do the transfer they know how far to go in. I got my info and prescription for BCP's. I'm doing this. And I'm excited and scared. Missy told me that usually the require an appointment with a high risk pregnancy doctor (I forget what she called it but I assume she means perinatologist) but since I'm an RN and know what my risks are they will not required me to do that. Oh yes, I know my risks and as much as they frighten me, not being a mom frightens me more. We talked about how I could continue doing injectibles but she agreed with me that maybe moving on to IVF would be a better choice. I definitely have a better chance of it working. So on CD3 I will be starting BCP's. Right now they said my projected ER would be Jan 20th. I know that date is subject to change but it's a start. Now I've got to go apply for credit for this since I won't have all the money up front for the whole deal. And I would really like to pay for this before the end of the year so that it's on this years taxes. They did say I could do that. So Michelle, it looks like you will be having an IVF cycle buddy. And I'm a bit worried that I'm going to end up going home in more debt that I came down here with. Shit.

And The Pee Stick Says

BFN.
I was expecting that and would have been hugely surprised with any other result. Per the clinic I am supposed to test again on Friday and if it's still negative then quit taking the prometrium. While I will do what I'm told I know I'm out. I was having AF like cramps last night and my boobs are no longer sore etc. So on to the next step. Now if I could just figure out what that step was. Part of me wants to just say the hell with it and go for the IVF. Part of me is afraid to spend that much money because if it still doesn't work then what. I am still totally disappointed that with injectible meds I only got 2 follies.
So I slept most of the day and night and I am feeling better even though it was a BFN. As far as my plans for my days off I am meeting my bf R in LA this weekend and outside of that I'm not really sure. But hey, I don't have to be at work which is a good thing.

I Can't Find My Happy Place

I've lost it and I can't find it. While I should possibly follow milkmaids lead and just scrap this post I desperately feel a need to vent or at least get this out of my system and this seems like the best way to do it. I think. If you stop reading here I will forgive you because this really isn't a happy all is great post.
I feel awful. And no I haven't tested. I don't even want to go there. I went to work last night hoping against hope for a different assignment which I didn't get. Same crappy assignment. I did have one co-worker who kindly offered to trade assignments with me however my known hell seemed preferable to taking care of the pregnant woman in his group who is trying to slowly kill herself by refusing to do anything (eat, bathe, walk etc) for herself and seems to show no concern whatsoever for her baby, I know she is depressed or whatever but I have a hard time taking care of her right now. Now I've been having dreams for a couple of days that I was calling in sick which should have been telling me something. So I got to work saw my same assignment and started to feel the imminent meltdown coming. By the end of report at 7:20 I was already in tears and I couldn't stop. I proceeded to spend the next 4 hours trying not to cry while running frequently to the bathroom to hide so I could cry. I can't even say exactly what it was other than frustration and stress that was pushing me over the edge. It wasn't so much that my work assignment was that horrible although it was an incredibly busy assignment but it was all the other shit going on. Then within minutes of drying my first tears and right after report I'm at the nurses station going over my charts and the unit secretary asks another co-worker who I happen to know is also having a difficult time getting pregnant if she's pregnant yet. Upon being told by C that no, she isn't pregnant secretary starts the whole "relax" routine, and "how you know it happens as soon as you just relax". At this point I politely stated that no, for someone dealing with infertility, it's really not that simple. So she proceeds to say something to the effect that she's never met anyone whose had to deal with that but you sure don't want to be using all those awful meds and end up with 7 babies. I pointed out that often that is the only option available to an IF person. At which point she says, "Well you could just adopt". I had to finally get up and leave as I was seriously going to freak out on this chick. I was so pissed off. Then of course I'm crying again. I also have a co-worker who had a harder time getting pregnant herself who did finally have a little girl who is 3 now. She is frequently giving assvice that while I know it's well meant (such as if you want to meet someone, just pick someone on yahoo randomly and IM them) drives me crazy. Last night every time she walked by me she would say "your stressing, that's not good for you" meaning it's not good for getting pregnant. I was seriously ready to bitch slap her if said it one more f-ing time. I did finally calm down (after more crying) and decided that should she say this again I would point out that while I realized she was trying to be helpful it really wasn't being helpful and could she please stop. All this is in the middle of trying to care for 6 very sick patients and their families. I told my supervisor that I wasn't doing very well and was basically told well you have people to take care off, deal with it. Yes I am aware that professionally I should have done that but I swear to God I couldn't quit crying. And professionally it probably doesn't inspire much confidence when your nurse has obviously been crying!! I was tired and completely emotionally drained and in no way did I feel like I could adequately care for others. Then I had an LVN who was filling in as a nurses aide who drove me nuts. First she bitched about how many patients she had to take care of. Then she flat out refused to take care of one of mine since his wife was in the room with him and laying on the bed with him (It's not like they were having sex or anything, just both sleeping on the bed), then this morning she flat out lied to me over something that I wasn't really upset about until she lied about it. She claimed to have changed all the bedding on a patient that I know for a fact that she didn't. I didn't care that she hadn't as she didn't realize that the patients wound was draining that much (the bedding was totally soaked) but don't tell me you did something just to cover your ass. So all the normal trials and tribulations of a day in the life of a nurse but add to that this fucking hormonal hell and the fact that I was tired and completely emotionally drained. I just couldn't ever pull myself together.
Now I do realize what many of you are thinking right now. That moodiness is a sign of pregnancy. And while I do know that yes you could be right, I'm just not feeling it right now. Yes it's still a possibility but I'm just not thinking this is it. I should know tomorrow but for now I'm not allowing myself to hope that this is it. I just can't. As for work tonight. Yeah, I'll be skipping that one. I was looking at the schedule and for tonight they had 7 other nurses besides me so I went to the day shift supervisor, no point in talking to the asshole on nights and told her that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do a 4th day as I had spent half the night in tears, I was tired and couldn't handle another night. She kindly said she would take me off the schedule. So, even though I feel bad calling off on the last night before my mini vacation break, I am anyways and not a moment too soon.

Scared

So, I'm scared to test. I have no desire to test at all. Not even on Wednesday. I'm not feeling much of anything. My boobs still hurt some but not in the same way as last month. I haven't really had any of the cramping like last month or any thing else. On Saturday I was thinking maybe but yesterday and today I'm sure I'm not pregnant. 12 dpo as of today. I hate this wait. Oh and work has been like freaking groundhogs day. The same crappy assignment 2 nights in a row and pretty sure it will be the same one again tonight. Yuck. Come on days off.

Snoopy Undies and Other Weird Dreams

Yeah, I don't really know what all the stuff about undies is lately but now it's invading my dreams. So I dreamt that I was going on a trip to some tropical island place (don't remember where) and the flight was super, super long. Like fly around the world long. So it was so long that we all (and in all I mean the people I work with were on this flight with me, I have no idea how we all managed to get vacation time at the same time) got into our jammies and comfy to sleep. Well, my jammies usually consist of panties. So in the dream I had snoopy panties (I don't really but I did just buy some cool snowman ones) and everyone was laughing at my snoopy undies. Now the interesting thing here is that I've had many of the walking around naked dreams which I forget what they mean but I'm always horrified that I'm naked in public and expecting people to be laughing at me and all my fat, but in the dream, I knew they were laughing at my undies, not me. Never occurred to me that they were laughing at me. Oh and at the end of the dream I realized that I had flown around the world for nothing, that all I had to do was drive up to Sacramento and catch a direct flight to wherever it was I was going. I had a bunch of other weird dreams but I don't remember most of them.
So trying not too obsess to much although I have become a lot more focused on my boobs and how they feel the last couple of days. They feel heavy and sore. But not like last month. Last month it was mostly my nipples that bothered me and not until about 10-12 dpo. This month my boobs hurt. Thank you progesterone. I hate this shit because I know that everything I'm feeling is most likely from that. The fact that I was tired and couldn't stay awake past 7:30 last night, progesterone. Right now I'm 10 dpo and I think I'm glad to be going back to work tonight. Less time to obsess about symptoms. I work 4 days and then I have some days off. Yay!!!!!
I did all my laundry yesterday but that was about as far as I got with the housecleaning thing. Maybe I will work on it some today. Yeah right. I did count yesterday and I have 20 scrub shirts. Not that I need anywhere near that many but I have that many. And that's only the ones I have here with me. I have no idea how many I left at home because I don't wear them as much.
As far as the title of the book I mentioned in my last post it was called "Full of Grace" by Dorthea Benton Frank. It was pretty good. I also just finished a book called "Forever Lilly" about a woman who goes with her friend to China to pick up a baby that the friend is adopting and then when they get there, the friend starts having second thoughts. I had a hard time with this book not being really angry at both the friend who saw the conditions the baby had lived in and wanted to leave her there and in the Chinese government who makes it so flipping difficult for people to adopt from there when they have so many unwanted and unloved babies.
Well I'm back to work tonight so I hope everyone has a good next few days. Not sure how much I will be checking in the next 4 days.

Tagged

Ok so Meg over at On The Wrong Side of Statistics (in my blogroll, sorry I'm not linking) tagged me with a new one I hadn't done yet so here goes.
Rules are: list a word that describes you for every letter of the alphabet. offer as much or as little explanation as you wish. please keep the words positive (for example, don’t use “fat” for F or “lame” for L), and feel free to get creative. tag as many or as few people as you wish.
This may take me a while.
A. Adventurous, I like to try new things. I like to go new places and meet new people.
B. Busty Betty, or at least that's how I feel the last couple of days, thank you Pro*metrium.
C. Caring, hell I'm a nurse aren't I? I really do though care about others and their happiness, sometimes maybe even to much.
D. Determined, if there is something that I have decided I want, I never give up easily when it comes to getting it.
E. Emotional, I cry at sad movies or with sad songs and usually pretty much wear my emotions on my sleeve, even when I try to tell myself I won't.
F. Funny, I think I'm pretty funny even if my humor is a bit sick and twisted sometimes.
G. Goofy, sometimes you just have to be goofy to get through another day.
H. Honest to the point of having been told before that I'm too honest. Not that I perfect or anything but in the places where it counts I am.
I. Inventive I'm usually good at coming up with new ideas for stuff
J. Justice I believe that justice is a good thing even if it's not really possible in life. Justice would be all of us being able to easily have babies while the drug addicts and those who would hurt children would be the ones who are infertile.
K. Kitty cat lover. I adore cats. I love my dog but my cats are my babies.
L. Loyal, to my friends, sometimes to my employer but mostly to those who have been there for me.
M. Medicine giver, to my cats. I pop a pill down their throats every day so that I can have them with me a bit longer.
N. Nice, I'm usually (unless I'm crazy hormonal) a really nice person.
O. Optimistic, because no matter how many times I throw away unopened bags of prewashed salad, I still buy more the next week because who knows, maybe this week I'll eat the stuff.
P. Passionate, about many things but when I believe in something I tend to believe in it very strongly.
Q. Quiet until I get to know people.
R. Reliable, yup I'm one of those always early type of people.
S. Strong, this is one I'm still learning but I am learning to stand up for myself and be strong. Not someones doormat.
T. Trustworthy I can keep your secrets or be there when you need me.
U. Undie (fancy ones that is) loving. Speaking of undie stories I have at least one more good one.
V. Voluptuous (did I spell that right) of course thats a fancy word for chubby but hey, it's positive. Right??
W. Wacky in a fun way.
X. I have no idea what to do for x. Not like superman with x-ray vision.
Y. Yelling, yup this week I'm still a bit crazy hormonal
Z. Zooming, I have a tendency to drive a bit too fast
Ok so I'll be nice and not tag everyone so that those of you I do tag will have others to tag. Hahahaha. So I tag K & B (you both knew you were going to get it didn't you) and Aradia.
Ooh, and about the undie story. I had a friend in highschool who borrowed her sisters undies one day and then wore a skirt to school. While she was walking out of class, they fell off!! She decided to just step out of them and walk away and pretend like they weren't hers but a classmate (male) picked them up and called after her "H you lost your underwear." She said she didn't go to school for like a week.
Feeling a bit better after some sleep except for this damn headache which is just sort of there. Oh and pizza helped too. Like 6 more days till testing. Will I make it, will I?? God I so want this to be it, I want to be pregnant with a pregnancy that will stick and I want to be a mom. And yes I am catching myself addressing God more often. Interestingly I just finished a book that was fantastic. It was about a woman much like myself who wasn't sure if she believed in God and the power of prayer etc as she saw so much injustice in the world. Many of the things the character in this book said I have thought before myself. Anyways, some amazing things happened and it was a really good book.

Calm Before The Storm

Hi, still here. Sorry everyone. The last couple of days I've had the choice between sleep or blogging and sleep has won. The evil pro*metrium and the schedule from hell have wore me out. The last 2 days I have rolled out of bed a mere 45 minutes before I must leave the house to gain a decent parking spot, showered and semi dried my hair before running out the door. I just couldn't make myself get up that hour earlier to check blogs.
Anyways, I'm still here and strangely, pretty calm. Now I realize that I still have like 6 days for that to all go to hell in a hand basket but so far I'm doing pretty good. Granted I've worked an awful lot the last few days and haven't had much time to think about it. I have 2 nights off and then work straight through to testing day on the 5th. Not much of anything in the way of symptoms that can't be explained off by the progesterone. I have a TON of stuff to do in the next couple of days. I need to do laundry. I have completely run out of scrubs (a really large feat as I have a lot of them) and almost out of underwear. I am out of solid light colored underwear that can't be seen through my scrubs. I also almost goofed the other night and forgot (I may have done this before?) that my light blue panties weren't plain. They have writing on them. On the ass. That says I (heart) bad boys. Really glad I didn't wear those. They seemed funny at the time. So I've lost another pound or 2 of the huge gain last week. Granted I've eaten enough in the last couple of days that I will likely gain it back. Such is life. I also need to clean my pit of an apartment, pay bills, look for hotel reservations for next week as my BF R is coming down to LA for work and is coming a few days early to see me. I also really need to sort of start thinking a little bit about Christmas shopping. And getting my cards/letters done and sent. Which brings me to another funny, not really haha sort of thing. Last year I had told many of my relatives what my plans were for TTC. My thought being that I didn't want to drop a bomb that was completely unexpected. I do remember several saying maybe to wait but I was so excited and so sure I would be pregnant by now. So, even if I got a BFP on the 5th, I really don't want to announce it that early. Too early, too much can happen. So I suppose I will find a way around it. And I don't know why I worry (I shouldn't care what others think) but I worry that there will be those who think "There's crazy Michell again, flighty and never sticks to any one thing, destined to be single forever and is possibly a lesbian" Not that I really care if they think that last part as I think it's kind of funny (I know one uncle for sure thinks this and possibly my mom) but I hate it that I feel like people really don't take me seriously. And maybe the do and this is only my perception. But I've seriously had relatives not call me for a funeral because "we didn't know how to reach you". Hello, I've had the same phone number for 5 years despite where I lived. And yes, I've moved a lot and my address is maybe hard to keep track of but that doesn't mean that I'm not a responsible adult anyways. I just have a different way of doing things. Maybe it's ADD. Ok and yes I suppose maybe I'm feeling a little bit emotional or moody. Maybe I should just go to bed.

Sleep is My Friend

I love to sleep. I know I will have to adjust to less sleep someday when I have my baby but for now I enjoy it so much. I ended up sleeping another 8 hours or so last night and into this morning.
A few things I forgot to mention in last nights post. I gained like almost 10 pounds last week. I'm pretty sure it was almost all water weight and I have now lost like 5 of it in the last 2 days but no wonder I felt like crap. My whole body last week on IUI day felt heavy. My fat felt heavier than normal. Which has led to some yucky muscle spasms in my back. I had some on my right flank area on Saturday night that had wondering what kidney stones felt like. The spasms finally went away though. I also have itchiness everywhere right now. I usually have pretty sensitive skin and have in the past had rashes that I never have figured out the cause for and it's back. It actually started back in like August or September with one spot on my inner upper arm. Now it's on both inner upper arms, under my breasts, under my stomach, insides of my thighs and behind the knees. I hate this and am afraid to even use hydro*cortisone cream. I did find some stuff with no steroids and have been using that but it doesn't work as well. I hate being itchy.
I bought a new Christmas CD yesterday by M*nnheim Ste*amroller who has some of my favorite Christmas music. I tried to listen to it while I was going to sleep last night. Didn't work. There is singing on the CD and the voice just about scared the crap out of me. There I was hovering on the edge of sleep and all of the sudden there is a mans voice in my bedroom. I'll have to restrict that one to awake hours.
Oh and I had a question about buying music online. I have in the past bought all my music from W*lmart but am rather frustrated. Apparently I can only load it on one computer and therefore can't listen to it on my laptop and it wouldn't transfer onto my MP3 player either. So I need a new music service to buy from. I was looking at I t*nes last night but couldn't find anything that said if I could load that music onto MP3 players that weren't Ipods. I don't have an Ipod or an Iphone and I'm not really that likely to get either as I have an MP3 player and I don't want to switch phone carriers to have an Iphone. I also was looking at one that you pay a monthly fee and can download a certain number of songs per month but I don't really know if I like that idea as well. If anyone had input though it would be great.

So Tired

This week feels like it has drug on forever. I'm just so tired right now. I worked 60 hours in one week. Yuck. I don't know how some people do this every single week. It all went pretty well and wasn't horribly busy but I'm just tired. I'm off work tonight and back tomorrow night. I have to say that my schedule this month isn't very good. I had asked for some days off and in the process of scheduling those days off I ended up with a crappy schedule. I had one stretch scheduled with 5 on, one off and then 3 on. I went and told the scheduler that I couldn't (wouldn't) do that and so she changed it to 4 on 2 off 3 on, then went back and changed it to 4 on 1 off 3 on. Guess I may be calling in sick one of those days. Especially if this month works. Not to much else going on in my world. I've been too busy/tired to spend much time thinking about did it work or did it not. I did get my progesterone supplements which makes me feel more confident if nothing else. Part of me feels like I've got a pretty good chance of it working and part of me keeps thinking that statistically the chance of getting a positive after a sort of positive the very next month can't be that good. I know, many times I simply need to turn my brain off. So now I'm seriously considering going back to bed.

Did You All Go Shopping?

I did but not really by choice. I needed to fill my prescription for Pr*metrium and so I had to go to Target which was pretty much a zoo. I went a head and picked up a few other things while I was there and looked around at the sales which didn't seem that great. I tried to get out of the store as quickly as possible. Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I slept most of the day and night as planned. Of course I was up at 8 this morning which will pretty much suck for work tonight but oh well, I'll live. I'm feeling a bit better although I still feel somewhat bloated. Not much else going on. Still calm but hey, it's early yet. Only 2 dpo. What another 10 days and we can all see what crazy looks like. So Candace posted a note to this effect in her blog but I will post it too. Jen, where did you go???? Your blog has disappeared and someone else has taken it over and your post on NW board about your baby has also disappeared as near as I can tell. I hope all is ok and would love to hear from you just to know it's all good.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! I hope you all had a great day. My night was pretty good. I only had 3 patients all night and other than my one guy who was totally non compliant with everything the doctor has ordered and my other poor lady who woke up once confused and pulled her catheter out of her bladder (I really don't recommend this, looks painful) it was a pretty good night. I ended up being on my own floor which was awesome. Originally I had sort of looked forward to the idea of floating as I was an extra body last night but I really wasn't feeling well when I got to work last night and really wasn't looking forward to spending the night running my ass off. I spent the night feeling bloated and like my ovaries were huge. Just uncomfortable. Which is a good thing. Makes me feel great about my timing of the IUI again. Of course, how do I feel that yucky with only two eggs? Don't know, don't really care if it works.
So for my list of things I'm thankful for today
1. A well timed IUI. Please God or whomever is listening let this be the one.
2. All of my amazing friends in blog land who are always so supportive and all of my friends at home who are also helpful and supportive even when they really don't understand what it is I'm going through or getting upset about.
3. My job which is making it possible to continue working my my little science project (project get knocked up).
4. My furbabies even if Sara still won't use the litter box every single time, even the fancy new $100.00 one.
5. The fact that I have a home to go home to and even though it's awfully small it's still there.
6. My house sitter at home taking care of my dog so that I can be away from home to work.
7. The fact that I am much more financially sound than I was at this time last year.
Those are just a few of the things that I can think of off the top of my head. Now, I'm off to bed and will wake up later this afternoon so I can go have dinner with my friend Marie Callendar. It has to be better than the crap they served us at work last night.

IUI Done

Well, I have been sperminated. It was a different person that did it this morning. It was an RN that worked in the office. She was really nice and all I kept thinking was "See, I could be doing this if I could find a job". It went well and it was quick. I was home and in bed by 10:30. And I am so freaking tired right now that I seriously don't want to go to work. Whaaaaaa. Yes I'm whining. I just want to go back and crawl into bed again but then I keep thinking triple time and an extra 400 bonus for tonight. So I will go to work and then will likely spend all day and night tomorrow sleeping. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Dildo Cam Monday

So I had my scan this afternoon. And I haven't had nearly enough sleep which worries me. I went to sleep at about 3 this morning and slept until 6 when I got up to go get my labs drawn. Then I got home at 7 but couldn't fall asleep right away so finally went to sleep around 8 and slept till noon. And I'm tired. And I have to work tonight. Oh well.
So the scan is done and I'm trying not to feel to disappointed. I had 2 follies. Technically I had 3 but one was only 8mm so not really any good. The other 2 were 16mm and 18mm. I was fairly sure I was on a pretty low dose of med as it basically didn't cost nearly as much as I expected it to but I had hoped to have more follies. Heck I had more on Cl*mid. Although again I'm fairly sure it thinned my lining a lot as my period was really light. Yes I know it only takes one eggie and 1 spermie but I had truly hoped for more targets to aim for. Definitely will ask for the progesterone supplements this cycle too. I trigger tonight and do my IUI on Wednesday morning. They wanted to schedule me for 10:30 at which point I explained that this was like midnight for me. They are going to try to squeeze me in at 9:15. Then I wait. Which I am so good at. One other thing though was that the NP talked about how she was encouraged by the fact that it did do something last month so at least we know I can get pregnant. Also said something along the lines of now this month it's going to stick. Oh I hope so. Now, I think I may go try to sleep for an hour before I have to shower and go to work.

Ahh, The Weekend.

Thank you for weekends. I spent most of today sleeping and will likely head back to the direction of my bed soon. I hate that transition from nights to days as I'm always so tired the first day. And when you've only got 2 days that doesn't leave much. Work was fairly busy again last night. It went fine, just busy. And you're right B, I'm a little grumpy. I'm just in one of those frames of mind where everything is bugging me. I just feel irritable. The only other times in the past when I have felt like this is when I was on BCP's and when I wasn't taking anti-depressants, usually when first coming off of them. I don't really like feeling like this as I'm guessing I'm not that pleasant to be around. I figure it has to be the meds which again I'll take it if this is what I need to do. The last day or so I have been feeling occasional twinges in my ovary region, hope that means I've got eggies growing. I have a couple of headaches and this morning I noticed feeling bloated again. Otherwise not much. Oh, except (pardon the TMI) my pee smells weird. Kind of metallic like and this morning I got a drop of the G*onal F on my hand and it smelled metallic so that must be the cause. I know that's probably a weird thing to notice. I have my scan on Monday so we'll see how it's going. That will be CD 10 for me. I have no idea when they will do IUI. I think next week may be a bit rough. As much as I was anxious for AF a week and a half ago, it probably would have been better to have been a week later here. I am scheduled to work 60 hours next week with the holiday. Yuck. Paycheck will be nice though. I had to do it that way as I was scheduled for 4 shifts this week but not for Thanksgiving. In order to get the most cash bonus from my agency (which I'm hoping will buy baby furniture) I have to work all 3 holidays. I suppose it didn't have to happen this way and admit I'm a bit greedy but since I'm down here I am trying to make my time count as much as possible. And when I told them to schedule me for 4 a week I thought they would actually schedule me for the holiday.

On another topic, last week I saw on Jenna's blog she had a post where she nominated quite a few people for The Blogger Flame of Fortitude, including me.

I admit that I was surprised to see my name there, and I haven't posted this sooner because I'm not sure I feel like I deserve it. Yes, this whole journey to pregnancy for me hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be but then I was naive enough to think that it would only take one or two tries. And even after I knew I wasn't ovulating very well, I kept trying on my own at home for 3 more tries. I haven't tried nearly as much as many of you in my circle have and I haven't been through as much as many have. So I feel a bit funny posting this. However I was asked to do this and to share it with others so here we go. I would like to nominate everyone on my list but especially B&K, Marci, Rajen, Tracey, Michelle, and Deena. I feel like you all would deserve this so much more than me since it was my reading of your journeys first from a chat board that I found one night while contemplating my idea to be a mom and then by finding your blogs that shared that part of your life that prompted me to blog about my own journey. I love the fact that I have found a group of friends who know what it's like to be where I'm at, who have been through so much. If not for the first people who turned me on to blogging, I never would have found the rest of you who are such a wonderful network of support. I love the fact that in this madness we can still laugh at ourselves and find the humor in most any situation and that even though we haven't met in person and may not we still are friends. Thanks everyone.