Tagged

Ok so Meg over at On The Wrong Side of Statistics (in my blogroll, sorry I'm not linking) tagged me with a new one I hadn't done yet so here goes.
Rules are: list a word that describes you for every letter of the alphabet. offer as much or as little explanation as you wish. please keep the words positive (for example, don’t use “fat” for F or “lame” for L), and feel free to get creative. tag as many or as few people as you wish.
This may take me a while.
A. Adventurous, I like to try new things. I like to go new places and meet new people.
B. Busty Betty, or at least that's how I feel the last couple of days, thank you Pro*metrium.
C. Caring, hell I'm a nurse aren't I? I really do though care about others and their happiness, sometimes maybe even to much.
D. Determined, if there is something that I have decided I want, I never give up easily when it comes to getting it.
E. Emotional, I cry at sad movies or with sad songs and usually pretty much wear my emotions on my sleeve, even when I try to tell myself I won't.
F. Funny, I think I'm pretty funny even if my humor is a bit sick and twisted sometimes.
G. Goofy, sometimes you just have to be goofy to get through another day.
H. Honest to the point of having been told before that I'm too honest. Not that I perfect or anything but in the places where it counts I am.
I. Inventive I'm usually good at coming up with new ideas for stuff
J. Justice I believe that justice is a good thing even if it's not really possible in life. Justice would be all of us being able to easily have babies while the drug addicts and those who would hurt children would be the ones who are infertile.
K. Kitty cat lover. I adore cats. I love my dog but my cats are my babies.
L. Loyal, to my friends, sometimes to my employer but mostly to those who have been there for me.
M. Medicine giver, to my cats. I pop a pill down their throats every day so that I can have them with me a bit longer.
N. Nice, I'm usually (unless I'm crazy hormonal) a really nice person.
O. Optimistic, because no matter how many times I throw away unopened bags of prewashed salad, I still buy more the next week because who knows, maybe this week I'll eat the stuff.
P. Passionate, about many things but when I believe in something I tend to believe in it very strongly.
Q. Quiet until I get to know people.
R. Reliable, yup I'm one of those always early type of people.
S. Strong, this is one I'm still learning but I am learning to stand up for myself and be strong. Not someones doormat.
T. Trustworthy I can keep your secrets or be there when you need me.
U. Undie (fancy ones that is) loving. Speaking of undie stories I have at least one more good one.
V. Voluptuous (did I spell that right) of course thats a fancy word for chubby but hey, it's positive. Right??
W. Wacky in a fun way.
X. I have no idea what to do for x. Not like superman with x-ray vision.
Y. Yelling, yup this week I'm still a bit crazy hormonal
Z. Zooming, I have a tendency to drive a bit too fast
Ok so I'll be nice and not tag everyone so that those of you I do tag will have others to tag. Hahahaha. So I tag K & B (you both knew you were going to get it didn't you) and Aradia.
Ooh, and about the undie story. I had a friend in highschool who borrowed her sisters undies one day and then wore a skirt to school. While she was walking out of class, they fell off!! She decided to just step out of them and walk away and pretend like they weren't hers but a classmate (male) picked them up and called after her "H you lost your underwear." She said she didn't go to school for like a week.
Feeling a bit better after some sleep except for this damn headache which is just sort of there. Oh and pizza helped too. Like 6 more days till testing. Will I make it, will I?? God I so want this to be it, I want to be pregnant with a pregnancy that will stick and I want to be a mom. And yes I am catching myself addressing God more often. Interestingly I just finished a book that was fantastic. It was about a woman much like myself who wasn't sure if she believed in God and the power of prayer etc as she saw so much injustice in the world. Many of the things the character in this book said I have thought before myself. Anyways, some amazing things happened and it was a really good book.

Calm Before The Storm

Hi, still here. Sorry everyone. The last couple of days I've had the choice between sleep or blogging and sleep has won. The evil pro*metrium and the schedule from hell have wore me out. The last 2 days I have rolled out of bed a mere 45 minutes before I must leave the house to gain a decent parking spot, showered and semi dried my hair before running out the door. I just couldn't make myself get up that hour earlier to check blogs.
Anyways, I'm still here and strangely, pretty calm. Now I realize that I still have like 6 days for that to all go to hell in a hand basket but so far I'm doing pretty good. Granted I've worked an awful lot the last few days and haven't had much time to think about it. I have 2 nights off and then work straight through to testing day on the 5th. Not much of anything in the way of symptoms that can't be explained off by the progesterone. I have a TON of stuff to do in the next couple of days. I need to do laundry. I have completely run out of scrubs (a really large feat as I have a lot of them) and almost out of underwear. I am out of solid light colored underwear that can't be seen through my scrubs. I also almost goofed the other night and forgot (I may have done this before?) that my light blue panties weren't plain. They have writing on them. On the ass. That says I (heart) bad boys. Really glad I didn't wear those. They seemed funny at the time. So I've lost another pound or 2 of the huge gain last week. Granted I've eaten enough in the last couple of days that I will likely gain it back. Such is life. I also need to clean my pit of an apartment, pay bills, look for hotel reservations for next week as my BF R is coming down to LA for work and is coming a few days early to see me. I also really need to sort of start thinking a little bit about Christmas shopping. And getting my cards/letters done and sent. Which brings me to another funny, not really haha sort of thing. Last year I had told many of my relatives what my plans were for TTC. My thought being that I didn't want to drop a bomb that was completely unexpected. I do remember several saying maybe to wait but I was so excited and so sure I would be pregnant by now. So, even if I got a BFP on the 5th, I really don't want to announce it that early. Too early, too much can happen. So I suppose I will find a way around it. And I don't know why I worry (I shouldn't care what others think) but I worry that there will be those who think "There's crazy Michell again, flighty and never sticks to any one thing, destined to be single forever and is possibly a lesbian" Not that I really care if they think that last part as I think it's kind of funny (I know one uncle for sure thinks this and possibly my mom) but I hate it that I feel like people really don't take me seriously. And maybe the do and this is only my perception. But I've seriously had relatives not call me for a funeral because "we didn't know how to reach you". Hello, I've had the same phone number for 5 years despite where I lived. And yes, I've moved a lot and my address is maybe hard to keep track of but that doesn't mean that I'm not a responsible adult anyways. I just have a different way of doing things. Maybe it's ADD. Ok and yes I suppose maybe I'm feeling a little bit emotional or moody. Maybe I should just go to bed.

Sleep is My Friend

I love to sleep. I know I will have to adjust to less sleep someday when I have my baby but for now I enjoy it so much. I ended up sleeping another 8 hours or so last night and into this morning.
A few things I forgot to mention in last nights post. I gained like almost 10 pounds last week. I'm pretty sure it was almost all water weight and I have now lost like 5 of it in the last 2 days but no wonder I felt like crap. My whole body last week on IUI day felt heavy. My fat felt heavier than normal. Which has led to some yucky muscle spasms in my back. I had some on my right flank area on Saturday night that had wondering what kidney stones felt like. The spasms finally went away though. I also have itchiness everywhere right now. I usually have pretty sensitive skin and have in the past had rashes that I never have figured out the cause for and it's back. It actually started back in like August or September with one spot on my inner upper arm. Now it's on both inner upper arms, under my breasts, under my stomach, insides of my thighs and behind the knees. I hate this and am afraid to even use hydro*cortisone cream. I did find some stuff with no steroids and have been using that but it doesn't work as well. I hate being itchy.
I bought a new Christmas CD yesterday by M*nnheim Ste*amroller who has some of my favorite Christmas music. I tried to listen to it while I was going to sleep last night. Didn't work. There is singing on the CD and the voice just about scared the crap out of me. There I was hovering on the edge of sleep and all of the sudden there is a mans voice in my bedroom. I'll have to restrict that one to awake hours.
Oh and I had a question about buying music online. I have in the past bought all my music from W*lmart but am rather frustrated. Apparently I can only load it on one computer and therefore can't listen to it on my laptop and it wouldn't transfer onto my MP3 player either. So I need a new music service to buy from. I was looking at I t*nes last night but couldn't find anything that said if I could load that music onto MP3 players that weren't Ipods. I don't have an Ipod or an Iphone and I'm not really that likely to get either as I have an MP3 player and I don't want to switch phone carriers to have an Iphone. I also was looking at one that you pay a monthly fee and can download a certain number of songs per month but I don't really know if I like that idea as well. If anyone had input though it would be great.

So Tired

This week feels like it has drug on forever. I'm just so tired right now. I worked 60 hours in one week. Yuck. I don't know how some people do this every single week. It all went pretty well and wasn't horribly busy but I'm just tired. I'm off work tonight and back tomorrow night. I have to say that my schedule this month isn't very good. I had asked for some days off and in the process of scheduling those days off I ended up with a crappy schedule. I had one stretch scheduled with 5 on, one off and then 3 on. I went and told the scheduler that I couldn't (wouldn't) do that and so she changed it to 4 on 2 off 3 on, then went back and changed it to 4 on 1 off 3 on. Guess I may be calling in sick one of those days. Especially if this month works. Not to much else going on in my world. I've been too busy/tired to spend much time thinking about did it work or did it not. I did get my progesterone supplements which makes me feel more confident if nothing else. Part of me feels like I've got a pretty good chance of it working and part of me keeps thinking that statistically the chance of getting a positive after a sort of positive the very next month can't be that good. I know, many times I simply need to turn my brain off. So now I'm seriously considering going back to bed.

Did You All Go Shopping?

I did but not really by choice. I needed to fill my prescription for Pr*metrium and so I had to go to Target which was pretty much a zoo. I went a head and picked up a few other things while I was there and looked around at the sales which didn't seem that great. I tried to get out of the store as quickly as possible. Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I slept most of the day and night as planned. Of course I was up at 8 this morning which will pretty much suck for work tonight but oh well, I'll live. I'm feeling a bit better although I still feel somewhat bloated. Not much else going on. Still calm but hey, it's early yet. Only 2 dpo. What another 10 days and we can all see what crazy looks like. So Candace posted a note to this effect in her blog but I will post it too. Jen, where did you go???? Your blog has disappeared and someone else has taken it over and your post on NW board about your baby has also disappeared as near as I can tell. I hope all is ok and would love to hear from you just to know it's all good.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! I hope you all had a great day. My night was pretty good. I only had 3 patients all night and other than my one guy who was totally non compliant with everything the doctor has ordered and my other poor lady who woke up once confused and pulled her catheter out of her bladder (I really don't recommend this, looks painful) it was a pretty good night. I ended up being on my own floor which was awesome. Originally I had sort of looked forward to the idea of floating as I was an extra body last night but I really wasn't feeling well when I got to work last night and really wasn't looking forward to spending the night running my ass off. I spent the night feeling bloated and like my ovaries were huge. Just uncomfortable. Which is a good thing. Makes me feel great about my timing of the IUI again. Of course, how do I feel that yucky with only two eggs? Don't know, don't really care if it works.
So for my list of things I'm thankful for today
1. A well timed IUI. Please God or whomever is listening let this be the one.
2. All of my amazing friends in blog land who are always so supportive and all of my friends at home who are also helpful and supportive even when they really don't understand what it is I'm going through or getting upset about.
3. My job which is making it possible to continue working my my little science project (project get knocked up).
4. My furbabies even if Sara still won't use the litter box every single time, even the fancy new $100.00 one.
5. The fact that I have a home to go home to and even though it's awfully small it's still there.
6. My house sitter at home taking care of my dog so that I can be away from home to work.
7. The fact that I am much more financially sound than I was at this time last year.
Those are just a few of the things that I can think of off the top of my head. Now, I'm off to bed and will wake up later this afternoon so I can go have dinner with my friend Marie Callendar. It has to be better than the crap they served us at work last night.

IUI Done

Well, I have been sperminated. It was a different person that did it this morning. It was an RN that worked in the office. She was really nice and all I kept thinking was "See, I could be doing this if I could find a job". It went well and it was quick. I was home and in bed by 10:30. And I am so freaking tired right now that I seriously don't want to go to work. Whaaaaaa. Yes I'm whining. I just want to go back and crawl into bed again but then I keep thinking triple time and an extra 400 bonus for tonight. So I will go to work and then will likely spend all day and night tomorrow sleeping. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Dildo Cam Monday

So I had my scan this afternoon. And I haven't had nearly enough sleep which worries me. I went to sleep at about 3 this morning and slept until 6 when I got up to go get my labs drawn. Then I got home at 7 but couldn't fall asleep right away so finally went to sleep around 8 and slept till noon. And I'm tired. And I have to work tonight. Oh well.
So the scan is done and I'm trying not to feel to disappointed. I had 2 follies. Technically I had 3 but one was only 8mm so not really any good. The other 2 were 16mm and 18mm. I was fairly sure I was on a pretty low dose of med as it basically didn't cost nearly as much as I expected it to but I had hoped to have more follies. Heck I had more on Cl*mid. Although again I'm fairly sure it thinned my lining a lot as my period was really light. Yes I know it only takes one eggie and 1 spermie but I had truly hoped for more targets to aim for. Definitely will ask for the progesterone supplements this cycle too. I trigger tonight and do my IUI on Wednesday morning. They wanted to schedule me for 10:30 at which point I explained that this was like midnight for me. They are going to try to squeeze me in at 9:15. Then I wait. Which I am so good at. One other thing though was that the NP talked about how she was encouraged by the fact that it did do something last month so at least we know I can get pregnant. Also said something along the lines of now this month it's going to stick. Oh I hope so. Now, I think I may go try to sleep for an hour before I have to shower and go to work.

Ahh, The Weekend.

Thank you for weekends. I spent most of today sleeping and will likely head back to the direction of my bed soon. I hate that transition from nights to days as I'm always so tired the first day. And when you've only got 2 days that doesn't leave much. Work was fairly busy again last night. It went fine, just busy. And you're right B, I'm a little grumpy. I'm just in one of those frames of mind where everything is bugging me. I just feel irritable. The only other times in the past when I have felt like this is when I was on BCP's and when I wasn't taking anti-depressants, usually when first coming off of them. I don't really like feeling like this as I'm guessing I'm not that pleasant to be around. I figure it has to be the meds which again I'll take it if this is what I need to do. The last day or so I have been feeling occasional twinges in my ovary region, hope that means I've got eggies growing. I have a couple of headaches and this morning I noticed feeling bloated again. Otherwise not much. Oh, except (pardon the TMI) my pee smells weird. Kind of metallic like and this morning I got a drop of the G*onal F on my hand and it smelled metallic so that must be the cause. I know that's probably a weird thing to notice. I have my scan on Monday so we'll see how it's going. That will be CD 10 for me. I have no idea when they will do IUI. I think next week may be a bit rough. As much as I was anxious for AF a week and a half ago, it probably would have been better to have been a week later here. I am scheduled to work 60 hours next week with the holiday. Yuck. Paycheck will be nice though. I had to do it that way as I was scheduled for 4 shifts this week but not for Thanksgiving. In order to get the most cash bonus from my agency (which I'm hoping will buy baby furniture) I have to work all 3 holidays. I suppose it didn't have to happen this way and admit I'm a bit greedy but since I'm down here I am trying to make my time count as much as possible. And when I told them to schedule me for 4 a week I thought they would actually schedule me for the holiday.

On another topic, last week I saw on Jenna's blog she had a post where she nominated quite a few people for The Blogger Flame of Fortitude, including me.

I admit that I was surprised to see my name there, and I haven't posted this sooner because I'm not sure I feel like I deserve it. Yes, this whole journey to pregnancy for me hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be but then I was naive enough to think that it would only take one or two tries. And even after I knew I wasn't ovulating very well, I kept trying on my own at home for 3 more tries. I haven't tried nearly as much as many of you in my circle have and I haven't been through as much as many have. So I feel a bit funny posting this. However I was asked to do this and to share it with others so here we go. I would like to nominate everyone on my list but especially B&K, Marci, Rajen, Tracey, Michelle, and Deena. I feel like you all would deserve this so much more than me since it was my reading of your journeys first from a chat board that I found one night while contemplating my idea to be a mom and then by finding your blogs that shared that part of your life that prompted me to blog about my own journey. I love the fact that I have found a group of friends who know what it's like to be where I'm at, who have been through so much. If not for the first people who turned me on to blogging, I never would have found the rest of you who are such a wonderful network of support. I love the fact that in this madness we can still laugh at ourselves and find the humor in most any situation and that even though we haven't met in person and may not we still are friends. Thanks everyone.

Thank God It's Friday

I am so glad it's Friday. Last night wasn't too bad at work. I only had 2 patients until 5am and then I got a 3rd so it was a fairly easy night. However I had one crazy patient. And while I realize she couldn't help it, she still made me nuts. I asked if she needed to urinate, she started telling me about her toes. She pulled her IV out and when we had to restart a new one got all pissy and screached and hollered, then she unhooked her IV fluids and let them drain all over the floor. I'm still just a little bitchy. I was walking down the hallway last night after having gone down to our main floor to get a ream of paper after the 2 coworkers had sat and argued about where they would get paper to print with (both too lazy to go get it themselves) and another coworker looked at me from way down the hall and said, hmm, you look happy. I laughed and told him yes he had pegged that one just right. It's just little things. It's don't mess with my stuff I'll do it myself and my way. It's annoyance at coworker going into an empty patient room and taking an hour long nap (unprofessional). I know we are slow but come on. But then I'm sitting there reading a book so I guess that's not much better. I don't know why it bugs me so much. Maybe because I'm hopped up on hormones. Well back to work tonight and then I'm off for 2 nights. Yay!!!!

Good News Bad News

Good new is that I was so busy for most of the first half of my shift last night that there wasn't any time to worry. 3 admits and a discharge in 3 hours. Yikes. Oh and then there was the code brown. Poor confused patient swimming in poo. Yuck. I really really really appreciate nurses aides. Bad news is that I am feeling just a wee bit bitchy and just a tad emotional. So far though bitchy is winning. I could have walked down to the pharmacy and strangled someone when it took more than 3 hours for me to have pain meds available to my patient. Their response was, we're really busy and behind. Mine was "are you going to come explain to my patient why I STILL can't give her any pain medication after surgery??" But hey I made it through the night and no one is dead which is a good thing as nurses who murder their co-workers find it difficult to remain gainfully employed.

Worry Wart

Yup, that's me. I'm worrying again over things that there are no point in worrying over. Namely where I am at in my cycle. So AF started later Friday night and since it was late we called Saturday CD1 which the NP pretty much agree with. Friday night was mostly spotting and Saturday picked up a little. But I never did really have a normal period. It was very light. Which could be related to Cl*omid thinning my lining and therefore there just wasn't much in there to get rid of. But then that evil little voice in my head keeps saying "yes, but what if that was just breakthrough bleeding from the Pr*overa and not really your period. What if you start your period next week?" If anyone can tell me exactly what part of my head I can truly locate that voice as originating from, I'd like to seriously do away with it. It makes me crazy. Incidentally, I'm still spotting, not a lot but it's more red than brown. I'm worried that I jumped the gun and this cycle won't work because my cycle is all messed up and I wasn't truly CD1. However the Dr said the scan looked fine. So far I'm not feeling any "symptoms" yet. Too soon I know to feel like the medication is working. I know I need to stop worrying. This cycle will work or it won't. And I don't know why I'm getting so freaked out about it. Other than I want to go home and I want to be pregnant so freaking bad.
I also thought of something else last night after I spoke with my sister. She had asked a bit about my efforts in getting pregnant and if I wanted a boy or a girl and if I had names picked out etc. And I didn't ask her if she had a name picked out for her baby yet. And I feel like a big heel today. I feel like in my disappointment for myself I was insensitive to her. And since she has no idea what I'm going through it's not like she automatically understands why I didn't ask.
And then this morning I had an awful dream. I dreamed I had gotten a puppy and it looked exactly like Sadie (I think it was Sadie when she was little before I had her) and I had taken her home and left her outside for the night and when I went out the next morning she was laying on the porch. Then I went out again later and she was still in the same spot and hadn't moved and I freaked out thinking she was dead. Then she moved her ear and I knew she was alive but she was really sick and really weak and I felt like it was my fault as I was neglecting her and that I hadn't paid enough attention to her. Basically I woke up feeling pretty yucky. Couple guesses as to where that dream came from??
So now I need to go to work and maybe I can relax a bit. I hope.

You Just Know

When I got home from grocery shopping today I noticed I had missed a phone call from my little sister. I hadn't talked to her since about May and was surprised to see she had called. Before I called her back the thought came to me that she was going to tell me she was pregnant. I was right. She is 5 months pregnant and having a baby girl. I am very happy and excited for her, please don't think I'm not. I'm just so sad for me. I want to be pregnant too. The things that she was complaining about (she wasn't being insensitive) I would give almost anything that I have to have or feel myself. It's a sad thing how different all of this feels to someone who has a difficult time getting pregnant compared to others. I don't know if this was planned or not although I know she had a miscarriage back in January.
So I haven't talked a lot about my siblings but I do have them. A brother and a sister.
My little sister is 20 and lives in Minnesota. We were really close when she was very young but then when my mom and I started having problems over the whole religion thing we weren't allowed to communicate. Once she got away from my mom I started hearing from her off and on although I don't hear from her frequently. I guess it's just the normal busyness that happens to everyone although I do sometimes wish I heard from her more frequently. I also know that yes I could be the one to call more often too. I also got news on my brother which was a bit surprising. My brother is basically a drifter who is wanted in who knows how many states (come to find out he is a level 2 sex offender). I haven't spoken with him or heard from him in 10 years. I'm pretty much ok with this although I do feel badly for him as he had a very difficult beginning to life before my family adopted him at age 3. According to the Washington state web site he is currently incarcerated. Interesting. Sad too. Also apparently my mom has been asking my sister about me lately. I personally haven't heard from mom since February and that was a very short response to me telling her of my plans to become pregnant. Apparently she has been ok with my sisters pregnancy. Her thoughts on it are "I wish the circumstances were different but it's not the babies fault" That's a far cry better than the response I got from her about my plans. Her response to my plans was:
Thank you for writing and letting me know your future plans concerning a family. I'm sure you have given it much thought and weighed the pros and cons of such an arrangement. The key is that every child, no matter how conceived, is precious and needs a loving, nurturing environment with the right kind of guidance to help them get through life. The world's scene if forever changing and not for the better. Children need moral stability. They are so innocent when they are born and need all the love, care and discipline they can get.You have a full work schedule, so please also take good care of yourself.
I love you,
MOM
So this has left me feeling kind of weird all around. I am excited I'm going to be an aunt. I'm afraid that I may never get to be a mother (yes feeling a bit scared for whatever reasons). And I feel like my family is a bit loony. Oh and speaking of family. I never did hear anything back from my cousin about that dumb survey. Hmm. I think that's a good thing no matter how you look at it.
Yes, I'm aware I'm worrying and stressing over things that don't need to be stressed over.
In answer to K's question I got my meds from Fr**dom Pharmacy. And to Meg's comment, hey even my Hcg is sub-Q. And I think we are just going to do the progesterone suppositories. Fun fun. Maybe I'll get away with no IM shots.

Tuesday

So my meds arrived this morning already. All sitting in my fridge and waiting to be used. For those who commented about the shots being dreaded, they really aren't that bad. The needle is so incredibly small I don't even hardly feel it. And it's only a sub-Q injection which means it goes into the chubby part of my tummy. Not a big deal at all. The instructions for other stuff they gave me says I need to drink at least a half gallon of water a day, limit salt intake and I'm supposed to be taking a baby aspirin daily. I don't know how many of you remember it but when I was a kid they still had baby aspirin for kids, the St J*osephs chewable ones that were kind of orange flavored. I always really liked the taste of those (yes I am aware that I was strange). So I bought chewable ones again. Yeah, they don't taste that good anymore. Kind of yucky actually.
I am very confused by dentists. I had my teeth cleaned etc in March and was told I needed 3 fillings. I didn't have insurance though because of my job change and so I never got them taken care of. So finally in September I went and got my teeth cleaned again and the dentist from hell told me I needed 2 fillings. So I have no idea what happened to the 3rd one but ok. However that dentist scared the daylights out of me and I dreaded going back. He wouldn't prescribe valium or xanax for me so I decided last week to find a different dentist who would hopefully be more gentle. I had an appointment this morning and was way more impressed with new dentist than I had been with the other guy. However (and I am really happy about this, just confused) new dentist said I don't need any fillings. He did say that at some point in the future he thought I would need a crown on one of my back teeth but he didn't find any problems. So no follow up appointments until my next cleaning. WTF??? So were the other dentists just trying to pad their wallets a bit?? It's all good though as I don't need any more dental work. Yay!!!! Oh and I paid off another bill last week, my last credit card. I was a little worried that I was going to have to use that credit card for my meds but I didn't have to so I only have my Dell account and my windows left. That is a great feeling.

All Aboard

So the scan is done. Ovaries look good and meds have been started. I am going to be taking G*onal F 150 IU's daily for the next 7 days. I have a scan scheduled for next Monday and I also have to have my E2 drawn that day (before 7:30 am!! Yuck) and then I guess we will go from there. They gave me a sample of the med today which is essentially 2 doses and the rest of my med will be shipped to me by tomorrow or the next day I guess. Oh and as I was checking out they told me they had been under charging me. Apparently scans are $95 and IUI's are $335. Frustrating but I keep telling myself it's tax deductible if I have enough so I suppose we'll see. If it works, I don't care how much it's costing. Goofy I know. Now I am heading off to bed soon. I started getting a headache at work last night and by 5:30 it was pretty much migraine quality. Has let up quite a bit now but is still there so I think I will go sleep it off. Hope you are all having a good day.
Oh, and Jen, your blog is missing.

CD 1

Whoohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so it's CD 1 finally after a 36 day cycle. That is the longest I've ever had. Still isn't very heavy but I'll take it. Thank you everyone for all your kind and helpful words the last few days. I'm feeling better now. Now that AF is here and I know I'm back on the ride again. Today is Saturday and it took me a while to get a hold of someone from my doctors office. After calling 4 times this morning the exchange finally took a message and said they would have the NP call me back. She just called me back about 4 hours after I had left a message. She told me that I needed to call the office Monday morning and I would be coming in for a scan on Monday and I would be starting the meds on Monday. They apparently have some meds stocked in the office that they will sell me enough of to get me through until I can get my other meds. So, all aboard once again and away we go.

Confused and Anxious

So I went and picked up my Pro*vera last night on my way to work and I'm confused. It's essentially birth control (De*po Pro*vera, same line of drug anyways) and it's dumping more progesterone into my body, which will likely make my period disappear. So I sort of understand that it dumps the progesterone in and then when you stop taking it, you have a rapid drop and that forces your period. I just figured though when they told me not to let my period go beyond 35 days that what they would give me to bring it on would have more immediate results. So basically I can't expect AF for 10 days at least. Shit. I'm so anxious to just get started again and don't want to wait out another 10 days. I admit though that maybe it's better if I do wait out the 10 days. Oh and also the contraindications for the drug when I looked it up at work last night said that it was contraindicated with a missed abortion which isn't the same as a chemical pregnancy but it is kind of close. So what the hell???
Oh and an annoying thing. I had posted a resume on a prominent job site over the weekend thinking I would maybe look at if there were any jobs out there related to Infertility. I stated in my resume that I was looking for full time permanent employment in an Infertility related field. I have received in the last 3 days over 20 calls and 22 e-mails from various agencies looking for travel nurses, med-surg nurses in various hospitals around Washington etc. It's making me crazy. Do they not read? I seriously was called by one agency this morning 3 times in less than 1 hour. I finally went back to the web site and pulled my resume as I was obviously not getting the type of hits I wanted.

Official

Beta result was 2. Officially not pregnant. I thought I was doing ok. Now all I want to do is go crawl back in bed and go to sleep. If AF isn't here by tomorrow I will start Pr*overa tomorrow, they said it could take 10 days. Shit. I'm supposed to call on CD1 so I can have the scan done and the meds ordered. Why do I feel so awful. I knew this was what was coming. I feel like I'm being punished for something and I don't even know what. I know this is a blip and nothing compared to what so many others have been through and I truly have no idea how you have made it through that. I feel like I'm falling apart when I wasn't ever really pregnant, just a little chemical blip.

Better I think

I think I'm doing better. Still feeling sort of numb but more resigned to it being on to the next try. I finally sat and cried a bunch yesterday morning. Then I went to bed, and with the exception of a couple hours around 6pm yesterday I stayed there from 10am yesterday until 6am today. I think I needed that. As of yesterday I no longer have a second line on an HPT. I also don't really have any nausea anymore although my boobs still feel a bit like they are going to explode. My bra feels way to small and they are just seriously uncomfortable. Still no sign of AF so I guess I will be going back in today for another beta although it feels like a waste of time/money etc. If this isn't going to work I wish it would just be over and AF would show so I could get started on my next try. Last week I wasn't sure if I wanted to bother with an injectibles cycle, now this week I'm thinking I will give it a try at least once. Because it worked with Clo*mid. I had a good number of eggs and something did fertilize, it just went haywire somewhere from there. So I will be giving injectibles a shot. In other happenings, the kitties seem to like the new litter box. This is cool as I was really worried they would decide it was an evil monster as they are so against change. One other thing that I was going to post and I haven't gotten to it in the last couple of days is about the Weblog awards. Mel over at Stirrup-Queens has been nominated for best medical blog. Now for those of you who haven't visited her site, she's just a great blogger. She always has something going on and is always working to create a sense of community in this crazy infertility related world. From things like the candy exchange to phrecipes (photo recipes) to the Lost and Found trying to connect other bloggers to one another. She has links to over a thousand other blogs that are relating to infertility, adoption or pregnancy loss. So if you could take a few minutes to go to http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.phpblog-1.php sometime and vote for Mel that would be great. You can vote once every 24 hours until the 8th which is tomorrow. Mel is also working with others who are trying to get infertility coverage mandated on insurance and trying to educate others about infertility.

Numb

I feel pretty much totally numb. I've been on the edge of tears and hope so many times in the last 17 hours I don't know what to do. To respond to the comment of how I got a second line with a beta of 6? I have no idea. Like I said the line was really light but it was definitely there. I've never heard of that with a beta that low. I also seriously don't get why I have had daily nausea since Sunday and boobs that hurt like hell with a beta of 6. That has to be someones idea of a cruel joke. Cause I'm totally ok with feeling like this if I get to be pregnant. Bring it all on, I may whine a bit but I'll take it. But to get to experience all of this with almost no hope of getting something good out of it seriously goes way beyond sucky. And I'm try desperately not to let my mind wander down that fantasy path of hope where they call me tomorrow afternoon with a miraculously rising beta since that is pretty damn unlikely. Now maybe I should just go to bed and sleep for the next 20 hours or so. Thank you all for your thoughts, I do appreciate them immensely.

Beta

So the first thing she asked was was I having any spotting or bleeding. My beta was 6. She said at this point they want to see a beta of at least 50 and she is thinking it's a chemical or blighted ovum. She did say I could try my next cycle. I will have a repeat beta on Wednesday if I haven't started bleeding before that.

Testing

Beta is drawn as of about noon and I was told they would run it STAT and would call me within 2-3 hours with the results. I still went and bought a digital but will probably not use it until tomorrow afternoon when I get up. I still want to see that "pregnant" on the test. I'll update again when I have my results on my beta. I'm so scared they are going to call and tell me it's zero. I know that's probably crazy but oh wow, I'm still just so excited! Thanks everyone!! Oh and I just noticed the date on my pic in the last post. I forgot my batteries went dead in my camera and I guess I need to reset the date huh??

Oh Wow!!

Peed again this morning. There are definitely two lines!! The second line is pink. It is however still pretty light. It's visible but light. So I find myself thinking that at what is basically 14 dpo (based on trigger shot) the line should be darker. However I went to peeonastick.com and it said that implantation could occur as late as 12 dpo so if that's the case that could explain the light pregnancy test. According to pregnancy.org calendar today is the first day that I might possibly get a positive home pregnancy test. So, do I wait until tomorrow and pee on a stick again and then call the doctors office if it's darker or do I call them today and ask for a beta?? I'm going to try to post a pic here at the bottom of this post although it's not a very good one and it's pretty hard to see the line. And here on Saturday I was sooooooooo convinced I was totally out for this cycle what with the cramping on Thursday and Friday, I was already planning my next move.

You can't really see the line in the pic here but there is a faint second pink line. Oh wow!!!
I almost forgot. I had a great time at the concert last night. My seat was really good, only about 7 rows back from the stage in the center and oh wow was he cute. B you would have laughed your ass off, he actually came out on stage at one time in a blond mullet wig. I of course didn't have my camera with me since when I had went to pick up my ticket there were signs all over the place that said cameras weren't allowed so I didn't take it. Almost everyone had cameras and luckily I talked with the 2 ladies who were sitting next to me and they had cameras and they offered to e-mail me pics. So hopefully I will have some good pics.

New Present For The Kitty

So I splurged yesterday and bought a present for Sara my cat with the aversion to litter boxes. I bought her a new litter box. One of the self scooping ones. I don't know if this will do the trick or not but it's worth a try. I'm not really worried about Luna learning to use it as it has been suggested that maybe Sara doesn't want to share so I've been focusing on Sara using it. So far if I put her in it, she will go but I haven't seen her go there on her own yet. But it's clean every time she goes to use it so hopefully it will be just what she needs. Yesterday I went shopping. And strangely I didn't really buy much. Not as much as I thought I would. I felt kind of like crap. I had planned to get out of town over night but didn't have the energy to pack and load up the car etc and go. So, I just drove to an outlet mall about 50 miles away and then came home.
I am a bit reluctant to post this as I'm scared I'm seeing more than is really there and letting myself get my hopes up too high. So I peed on another stick this morning. Yes I'm into self torture. Anyways, there may (MAY) have been a very very faint second line. It was hardly even visible unless I held it a certain way and I'm figuring that it may be or most likely is an evaporation line. That said, in all the times I've peed on sticks before I've never even had a very faint second line. So needless to say I do have my hopes up. I'm still trying not to think of it. Yeah right. I'm still feeling just a bit queasy. Not bad but I woke up feeling like I was hungry and almost nauseous and I ate a piece of cake (breakfast of champions of course) and still feel a bit weird. And the AF type cramps have totally stopped at least so far. Nothing yesterday and so far nothing today. So, I'm really trying not to get my hopes up too much as this very well could turn into being all in my head, wishful thinking etc but there it is.

I Peed

And it said Not Pregnant. I know it isn't over yet, or at least not until AF actually shows but in my heart I truly believe it's over. I have been having AF like cramps since Thursday evening and really think she would have shown by now if I wasn't doing progesterone cream daily. I'm feeling so sad and discouraged right now. I guess I will likely be on to a injectible cycle although I'm trying to decide if I want to do that or if I want to just go straight to IVF. The only people who I know of who have done the injectible cycles is people from here like Rajen and Meg. I hate to just pay the money right off the top for IVF but I also hate to pay the money for an injectibles cycle and have it not work and wish I had just paid for the IVF. Decisions decisions. Now trying to decide where to go for the day. Or if to go.

Just A Little Unwell

I'm not crazy, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Yeah right. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I'm afraid AF is going to be there waiting for me. I spent most of the night have the regular odd random cramps that while they don't necessarily feel like AF cramps, I still thought for sure AF was on her way. Never did show but I sure thought she was going to. I also have felt kind of queasy since last night but have been trying really hard to convince myself it's all in my head or that it's nerves from being afraid of going to the bathroom. I just don't think I can handle getting my hopes up that high if they might fall down again. I'm now on the beginning side of a 3 day weekend and thinking that I desperately need to get out of town. If I stay home all 3 nights, I might be crazy by Monday. Thanks B & K for trying to influence me to POAS but I don't know if I can do that either. I'm scared to. It's only 11 dpo. Or around that anyways. Oh and one other thing. You know all those e-mails that get circled round, the chain letter types that say you MUST send this on in _____ amount of time. Usually they are moderately annoying. I'm one who usually deletes them as I don't forward many e-mails since I don't know who likes to get what as far as e-mail. So as usually I get one or two of these a week. The last week they are making me freaking crazy. I don't have 15 people to send the damn things on to (that was todays and apparently someone who just deleted it soon after learned her fiance died and another person died herself) and I do NOT need bad luck at all right now. I need good luck, lucky rabbits feet, the stars to be aligned and whatever else could possibly work things in my favor. It just about makes me nuts to delete the things but I don't know what else to do with them. See, TTC makes you superstitious.

CD 28

Well, it's CD 28 and no K I haven't peed on any sticks yet. I'm being good. And trying not to think about "signs" At least AF hasn't shown yet which is good. One other thing I forgot to mention. I happened to go to donor sibling registry the other day and looked up my donor to see if there are any reports of children from this donor. There are 10 children listed from this donor. Cool, his boys can swim. Works for me.