Day From Hell

It really was. I had thought several times lately how it's amazing how much your life can change in the blink of an eye. One second and your life can become totally different from the path you have been on. That was all brought home to me this morning at work. Granted before I scare you all, I think it's all going to be fine, but I had some very scary stressful moments today. I was doing my morning med pass this morning at work and was trying to give a confused patient his morning injection. He seemed a little more confused but I told him what I was doing and went to poke him. When I did, he jerked and I ended up poking myself. So, for pretty much the first time ever, I had a needle stick injury. And the patient was a little old drunk man who was homeless and has a history of substance abuse. Basically this equals high risk. Honestly my first thought was that it was nothing. It was a very small needle, it barely broke the skin on him before it got me. Then I started thinking about those who have gotten needle sticks that drastically changed their lives. Then I got scared. Really scared. I ended up this morning spending 6 hours in the ER at the hospital I'm working at. I had heard at one point that they couldn't get the patient to consent to have his blood tested as he had altered mental status. Great. It was decided that there was at least moderate risk so that it would be a good plan to start me on the prophylaxis treatment for HIV. Then I mentioned to the PA that there was a small chance that I might be pregnant but I was only 5-6 dpo. He said that they would run a pregnancy test and it would show up if I was. I asked again since this didn't seem correct. Doesn't implantation usually start at 5-6 dpo? And if implantation hasn't happened yet then I couldn't get a positive even if there was a possibility. So I'm sitting there for a couple of hours thinking that just like that, the TWW could be over already. I could know if I was pregnant or not even though it seemed to early. Finally after a couple of hours the PA came back in and said the test was negative or a result less than 2 and that I wasn't pregnant so they would start me on the meds. So here I am, stressed to the max, tired as I have been awake forever, mourning the idea of possibly being pregnant, and feeling like I didn't have anyone to talk to. Granted yes, I know I did probably but I hate to call people during the day while they are working while I'm bawling my head off. I ended up calling my agent to talk to him, he wasn't in so I ended up bawling on the phone with some guy I've never talked to before. Great. And I didn't even feel like I could admit that the biggest reason I was crying was because I wasn't pregnant. I finally got my meds from pharmacy and was discharged. I had been told I should stop by employee health before I went home and I really didn't want to. I had been awake for so long but I figured I would anyways. It actually ended up being a good thing I did. I had signed paperwork that morning to have the patient drawn to test him for HIV etc but they of course seemed to have lost the paper work as it hadn't been done. The person in employee health I spoke with immediately jumped on this and started getting things done. She got the paper work processed and by 4 or so this afternoon had called me to tell me I didn't have to take the meds as the patient tested negative for HIV. That is a huge relief. Granted I still have to worry about Hep C but it still is a fairly low risk as it was a very small needle and it was a sub-Q injection and not directly into a vein etc. Then I came home and my curiosity got the better of me. I know the PA said the blood test would show a pregnancy but I'm only 5-6 dpo. It just doesn't seem right. So I looked up on pregnancy.org and when I plug in the date of my last period and get the calendar (really cool) that shows day to day what is happening, it shows Wednesday as being the first day that I "might" be able to get a positive blood pregnancy test. So that tells me that getting a positive today is unlikely even if it is still possible that I am. I was right. I find myself wanting to go back and tell this PA this. However my hope has taken a serious beating. Plus, I did take one dose of the medication, who knows what that will do. I don't know if I can handle getting my hopes up again for this cycle only to be disappointed again in a week.
Finally when I got home, the AC guy was here working on my AC, thank God as it was like a hundred freaking degrees in my apartment and tonight it's working lovely. That said, I still hate this apartment. It's not what I wanted and I think tomorrow I may go look at other apartments. Part of it is the lack of help. I have never had a parking spot as other people are always parked in it. The place tries to be up scale but falls short of the mark. There are always student types hanging around making noise etc in the complex grounds etc (not families, college age types), the garbage dumpsters are overflowing into the parking lot. I know that may sound stupid but it's a general atmosphere of being not very well cared for. I'm not sure if I will move for sure or not but figure it can't hurt to look around some. So, now I'm off to bed again and trying to keep my hopes intact and not stress to much about today's happenings. yeah right.

Busy Week

Well I'm back to work and plenty busy. I worked Tues, Wed, and Thur nights. I have tonight off and then I work Sat and Sun. So far the job is ok. The people on the new floor I'm on don't seem as nice as the other unit but my schedule is better so that's a plus. It's been interesting. It's July which means new residents at a teaching hospital which is interesting at best. I couldn't figure out why I was all the sudden seeing doctors in at 3 in the morning looking at charts etc. Oh yeah, they're new little eager beavers. This does occasionally benefit me though as they are so eager they are easier to get a hold of. The actually answer their pages. I even had one come up to look at a patient with an abscess that a month ago the doctor on call would have left for the day shift. I also this morning witnessed a doctor at the nurses station picking his nose while looking at lab results on the computer. Yuck!!! Remind me to never go see him.
The apartment still sucks. The air conditioner has decided to stop working and it's like 90 degrees in here. I'm miserable and the only response I get from management is that she can't get a hold of maintenance. I had called on Thursday to say it wasn't working well, I went over to the office and filled out a maintenance request to say it wasn't working. And yet I'm still miserable. I should just go get a motel room. I did go tell the manager today that I was totally disappointed in the apartment and that I was going to be looking for something else. She said they might be able to move me but she wasn't sure. I of course never heard back from her. I told her I never would have agreed to the amount of rent I was paying for an apartment that didn't have a washer and dryer, told her about the AC not working and that the apartments in the pictures on rent.com were not even the same apartments as where I'm living. They show 2 story apartments of which there are none, the pool is different, they show ponds and fountains which don't exist. She did say she understands my frustration. So I don't know what I will be doing in the next week but hopefully it will be an improvement.
So far the TWW is going well but it's still early. I have plenty of time to go crazy still. I did one AI about 4 hours after a positive opk and had thought to do one 12 hours later and another 12 hours after that but that would have been doing all my AI's within 28 hours of a positive. So I ended up doing the second at about 24 hours after a positive opk and the 3rd around 42 hours past the positive. I hated to do the last that long past but I was still having EWCM and I had to work all night the night before. I did it as soon as I got home from work and then basically rolled over and went to sleep. Didn't prop my hips or anything. Not much faith in that one. I had my temp go up once the day after my positive opk and again the next day so fertility friend is showing a definite ovulation on my chart. Now lets see if it keeps moving it. Yes, I've been doing my temping. And drinking my nasty tea. B to answer your question I think I basically do the tea at least until I get knocked up. I did switch though. I had just gotten to the point where I was doing pretty good and could knock back that tea without honey or anything pretty quick and then had to switch to the stuff for my luteal phase which is worse. The first couple days I did it, I kept puking it back up which really is a lot worse than the first time. I did manage tonight ok by putting a lot of honey in it so hopefully that will help. I am also using the prometrium (as hooha pills) and I have to admit that it's so far not nearly as gross as I had been expecting. Of course it's only been a couple of days so who knows. Now I just wait. Oh goodie. Well, it's much too hot to type anymore so I have will stop for now.

Vacations Almost Over

Well, my vacation is almost over. I have to go back to work tomorrow night. But, my friend surge showed up today so I should be done with the sperm fairy by tomorrow. Ok, yes I'm nuts. I plan to AI at about 4 or so and then again tomorrow. Yay. Then I'll be back in the TWW. Boo. I hate that part. Still drinking my nasty tea. It seriously looks like a glass of liquid poo. Tastes pretty awful too but if it works I'll give it a shot. I also want to get a hold of the acupuncturist and see if she knows of anyone in the Fresno area.
I am mostly settled into my new apartment. It's really not a bad apartment, just not what I had expected. There is no washer/dryer and had I known that I never would have agreed to the rent I'm paying. Otherwise, it's just old. Basically your typical 70's built apartment. Interesting thing though. I found the apartment on rent.com and the pictures on the site are not pictures of this apartment complex. Cat's seem fine with it. Of course they are cats, they just usually aren't that picky. I bought a chair yesterday as I needed something to sit on. I still need a TV and a desk of some sort. Otherwise I'm good. I was surprised to find that I could fit a recliner in the back of a Subaru Forrester. Of course the recliner comes in pieces but hey. Not much else is going on. Just sitting around reading the newest Nora Roberts book which is like mind candy.
Oh and Meg, yes I got the hoohaa bullets. Thanks so much.

Back In Fresno

Well, I'm back in Fresno tonight. It's hot here, I spent half the day in the car listening to Sara whine, she was tired of the car. Got here and it was 93 and I had to move my stuff from the old apartment to the new apartment which sucks. I am totally paying way to much for the apartment I got. Crap. I still have some stuff to move out of the other apartment but it was just too hot here to do anymore so I quit for the evening. I will finish up tomorrow morning. And now I'm off to bed.

To Much Time In The Car

Oh my gosh, I am sick of being in my car. A 1000 mile drive wouldn't be that big of a deal if I didn't have to turn around and do it in reverse a week later. I think I found an apartment in Fresno, I fed exed the application and deposit etc yesterday and she wasn't in the office today so they didn't deliver it. I went for cheap hotel again and while the room isn't bad (minus the Motel 6 bedspread that is about the most hideous thing I've ever seen, no worries about that being stolen) but there seems to be a room full of kids next door that are still making tons of noise at almost 10pm. I drove almost 700 miles today in about 12 hours. The cats did really well for the most part. At one point Sara hopped up on the dash again and I took my camera phone and took pics it was so funny. Luna slept all day until the last 20 minutes or so of the drive and then she decided that she needed some attention so she climbed on my lap. However she doesn't just sit on your lap, she is in constant motion. I had my charm bracelet on and she kept trying to chew on it and when she was trying to bite it, she missed and bit me instead. I hope I don't end up having to go get antibiotics. I looked at my contract just now and it looks like the money is significantly less than my last assignment which totally pissess me off. I knew it would be less every other week as I'm working 4 shifts one week and 3 the next. I knew the week with 3 would be less but not the week with 4 too. I think I'm not very impressed with this idea. Of course it's the weekend and I have to wait until Monday to talk to my agent.
Not much else going on. I had dinner with K and J again the other night and we discussed him being my donor again in more detail. Right now I'm too tired to post all the detail etc but I have to admit that I'm considering it. And I know that there will be those who will think I'm crazy (not ruling it out). I know that in the past I've thought that using a known donor can be very risky but then I've also thought that it would be nice if I had someone in my life that would be willing and that I trusted. For this month though I still have my super spermies from NW (in their little dewar in the car, hehe). Well, nite all, I'm going to bed.

Promised Pics

Well, I'm not leaving tomorrow on Thursday, I just don't have done everything I needed to have done so I will leave on Friday which may be giving myself too short of time to get my stuff moved in Fresno but I'm sure I'll get by. I don't exactly know where I'm going to live yet as the apartment complex I have been at doesn't have any open apartments. This is the part that annoys me. Had I known weeks ago where I was going, I wouldn't be having this issue. But no, I have to find a place to live. Or I could just have my agency find a place and not make as much money. I'll have to think about it. Anyways, here are pics from my life the last few weeks. I had planned to put them in some sort of order but that didn't really work well as I'm not having a very easy time moving the pics once they are on the site. I've had to close the page out and log back in like 4 times. So here they are.

Someone asked to see a picture of my new stroller that I got on e-bay, this isn't the greatest pic I got but it was definitely the cutest. The cats actually sat there and let me wheel them around the house in it.

This is my house, the grass is pretty dry on the street side of the fence but all in all it's a nice little place.

This is the roller coaster Tatsu at Magic Mountain, it's the roller coaster I lost my sunglasses on and the one that made me feel really old.

This is a picture of me at King's Canyon National Park. The scenery was amazing there.

This picture was also when I was at King's Canyon, it's a pic of one of the cave formations in Boyden Caverns and it's called the wedding cake. It was really amazing in the cave as long as you're not clausterphobic. It did make me a little nervous and I'm not usually clausterphobic.

This is the picture or one of the several pictures of my sunset on the first day of summer at Morro Bay.

This is a picture of me and my best friend R on the trolley in San Francisco which is about as close as we got to a trolley ride. The line was super long and we decided to go have dinner instead.

This is my goofy dog Sadie, she looks a bit like bat dog as I was standing above her looking down and she's pretty short.

Back To Fresno

Well, I am going back to Fresno. Not my favorite choice but at least the money is really good. I will be on a different unit than I was last time so that will be a plus. I will only be working 4 nights a week every other week and then the other weeks I will be working 3 nights a week and she said that she didn't think it would be a problem for me to have at least 3 or so in a row off every other week. So, I'm optimistic. I will probably be leaving to go back tomorrow morning. Not really looking forward to the drive but oh well. Hopefully I will be able to get an apartment in the same complex I have been in. My roommate is on her way to Virginia so I will be on my own but that's ok.
Otherwise things are ok. Last night I went out for drinks and fun with K and J and had a great time and met some fun nice people. Had some very interesting conversations with K. She was volunteering J (her boyfriend and my housesitter) to be a known sperm donor. From one aspect this is so tempting as it would be fresh and someone I know so that there could be some level of involvement in said childs life. From another aspect part of me feels that this possibly isn't the best idea. It would be great if he was willing to be involved on my terms. Sort of like an uncle J. thing. However it could become complicated if he wanted to be involved in decision making etc. I know that he has no children and had really wanted to have children. K had considered having a baby with him and they decided to not go that route. She is 43 I think and her oldest is 21 and youngest is 6 or 7. For now I'm sticking with donor though. I am hoping and wishing that this try is successful. I should be AI'ing sometime next week. I'm drinking my tea stuff faithfully and it's getting a little easier to get it down. I mix some honey in and cool it then drink it really fast. Then I also have some hoo ha bullets this cycle (thanks Meg). If this doesn't work I am hoping to be set up with Midwest bank by the time next cycle rolls around. Oh and to answer questions, the 25.00 shipping to my doctors office is because she is across the street from NW and she doesn't get to keep the dewar, nor would I if I picked it up. I would have to pick it up as I was ready to use it or keep it on dry ice. Plus I am guessing they don't use DHL for that but instead use just a courier.
Well I'm still waiting for NW to show up with super spermies and I have a bunch of stuff I need to take care of before I leave tomorrow so I better get busy. I promise I will get on and post some pictures of my stays in California and my house here etc tonight. I know, I've been promising pictures for a while.

More From My World

Ok, so I need to vent a bit. I called NW this morning to order my super spermies and to tell them that I would be picking them up this time. Also to return the one vial of the first donor I used and trade for another. First off they want to refund that money for the vial back to the credit card. Nope that doesn't work as I no longer have that credit card. So they finally reluctantly agree to put the amount of refund towards my new order. Then on to the whole I want to pick them up part. I live 6 miles away from NW. They want me to pay 129.00 to have my order shipped to me and will no longer allow me to pick them up even though I did this in February. That's like 21.50 per mile. That is more expensive than if I were to use Midwest to have them shipped to me from Chicago. How freaking stupid is this. The other option is to have them shipped to my doctors office for a smaller fee and then just go pick them up. However I'm not sure what my doctor would have thought of this as she wanted me to do a medicated cycle that was monitored with her doing IUI. Not that I'm against doing IUI, as a matter of fact I would love to have IUI done but am not going to be in town next week to have this done by the doctor. So I came up with an idea that will likely really piss NW off but oh well. I am paying the 129.00 to have them shipped in dewar to my house. I get the use of the dewar for 7 days. So instead of packing up super spermie transporter with dry ice and hoping they keep, I'm taking dewar with me back to California and will ship it back from there. Then after it is shipped, I will call them and say that they can deduct the difference in shipping from my deposit and to send my deposit back to me as I am done using them. I need to get forms signed by my physician before I leave so I can switch banks. Oh and on the donor decision of course my first 3 choices weren't available so I figured what the heck and used the same donor as my last attempt. I've heard rumors about not great sperm counts but he also has positives and several kids of his own. And I really like him. And if it doesn't work I can use a different donor from a different bank next time. But boy do I wish I had my own personal source of sperm from a hot donor.
And Becky, glad I can give you a laugh. I promise I will come to Virginia and visit some day although probably not to work. Sorry. I miss you though.

Am I Crazy??

See what happens when I don't have to work 48 hours a week?? I post a lot more often.
As far as the title?? Yup, I just might be. I have reached that point where I am trying to figure out what all things I can try to get pregnant. Possibly with a little desperation thrown in. Yesterday I made an appointment with an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility things. I went in and she did her whole initial assessment, then did the acupuncture stuff. I liked it/her. Not that I love having needles stuck in me but I really sort of feel like she can help me. I had told her about my low progesterone levels and how they had been even lower with Clomid. I had told her my theory about how the month I took the Clomid I ovulated 5 days late and therefore the egg had grown too big and therefore wasn't really viable to begin with and she confirmed this was possibly true. She didn't think the answer to low progesterone was Clomid, she gave me some herbs to drink as a tea that will help boost my progesterone level. She said if that doesn't work, she will give me a progesterone cream that is stronger than just the over the counter stuff. She believed I am ovulating (I do too) and so we are going to work on my progesterone. I get to start temping again. Oh well. I tried the whole I sleep different schedules and my temps were always crazy, she said it didn't matter as long as I was sleeping at least 4 hours at a time, my temp dropped back to it's basal level. Now the problem so far is the herbal supplement tea. It's awful. And I do very bad with things I have to drink and have a pretty strong gag reflex. My parents used to do all sorts of here drink this, it's good for you. Stuff such as shakely shakes, aloe vera juice, liquid vitamins. I reached a point where I absolutely refused to drink horrible tasting stuff no matter how much it's good for me. So what am I doing?? I'm drinking nasty tea in an attempt to get pregnant. God I hope this works quickly. Anyway, this has sort of given me hope again. Hope that maybe I can get pregnant without injectibles etc. Not that I'm against trying them but they scare me as I am not sure how I would handle multiples. I would be ok with twins although it would be insanely busy to care for twins on my own but anything more than twins just wouldn't really be doable. Not by myself.
Now on to other news. I'm trying not to feel blue but it really seems as if Sadie had forgotten me. She was subdued when I got home but I figured well maybe it's because of the heat. Then the other day J and K came over to say hi (housesitter and girlfriend(K was my friend who introduced me to J) and Sadie went nuts. She was so excited to see them pull up out front. This of course left me feeling blue and guilty and all sorts of other things. The point is though that I still believe I did the right thing even though it makes me sad. If I take/took Sadie with me, she would be in an apartment all the time except for walks and the nights I work she would be in an apartment for 13-14 hours without being able to go out and go potty. With J here, she is very well taken care of, goes for walks and car rides frequently, has a yard to be out in. I had asked the neighbor who had called me right after I got to Fresno about Sadie being alone and she said that she felt bad about calling me that time, that J was very good with Sadie and that there haven't been any problems. All my neighbors really like him and he is taking really good care of my house. As far as that time she got out of the yard I am convinced that those kids let her out, hoping they would get a reward. What makes me think this is that if she had some secret magic way out of the yard don't you think she would have continued to utilize it?? She hasn't. It was a one time occurrence.
Now my other news, the e-mail guy. My friend R had said she had told him of me trying to get pregnant and that he had had a vasectomy when he was married. R also pointed out that he is very good with kids (he actually is as I have seen him with R's kids and he is really good with them). I had alluded a few times in e-mails to something I was working on but decided last week in the name of honesty to just be up front about it. Because I'm not willing to change my plans and this is something that is a very big part of my life. So this morning I had an e-mail back from him. This is what he had to say "My ex and I experienced 22 years of marriage without kids so I don't understand the desire to have kids. I'm not putting it down. I just admit I don't understand it. I think I didn't like being a child and so I don't want that experience for anyone else. But what you're doing takes guts. I got myself a vasectomy in 1982 so I can't contribute to the world population. " Something tells me that this whole possibility isn't going to go very far. He was nice about it, said he admired my candor but hmm.
Well that's my day yesterday. Oh except that the hospital I really wanted to go to in Ca was supposed to call and never did. Gee go figure. I have spent more time waiting around for a hospital to call me for an interview than I would be willing to sit around waiting for a man to call me. It sucks.

Spider Hell

Have I mentioned before that I'm afraid of spiders?? Stupidly afraid of spiders? Irrationally afraid of spiders? Yes, I know I am way bigger than they are but I hate them, am terrified of them, just the thought of having one crawl on me (please I don't again need to hear the statistics of how many spiders we actually eat or whatever since they crawl in our mouths at night) is enough to make me shiver and totally freak out.
When I lived in Chico 2 years ago the first house I was in had tons of them. I was having to kill at least 6-7 a day. Then the apartment I was in didn't really have any which was nice. My apartment in Fresno I had seen a couple, one was smaller and Luna ate it. Yuck!! So I come home and I wasn't in my house more than an hour and there was one. J was still here and killed it for me. I have now continued to see many of them since I've been home. I almost got locked out of my house the other night as there was one on my door. I can't walk past them. I can't kill them if they are above eye level or bigger than say a dime. So last night I'm sitting in the living room reading a book and I hear Luna making strange noises. I look up to see what's wrong with her. Whats wrong is she is a seriously weird cat who is playing with a spider that is roughly 2 inches across. Shit. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to kill a spider from across the room by throwing shoes at it?? Really not an easy task but I did finally manage it.

Donor Decisions

Ok, so I'm looking at donors again. I have 1 vial in storage of the donor I used the first time back in February. With that one, it was sort of a quick pick. He was one of my possibilities but not my favorite pick at all. I'm not really feeling inclined to use that donor. I would much rather pick another so I am thinking I will see if I can trade it for a different donor which I know will have a fee for me but oh well. I really really liked the donor I used for my try in May. He was my first pick that time around. He states in his short profile that he has kids and he does have success with frozen sperm listed also. Going back and looking through the posts on the board, I found 3 people who said they had pregnancies with him but 2 have miscarried. One is still pregnant with a healthy fine pregnancy. I also seem to recall that I've seen a couple of posts from one person who said that she had tried him a few times and the sperm counts were very low. So that makes me nervous that I would be wasting my money on that donor but then it only takes one. So I can't decide if I want to go with that donor again or if I should switch. Of course much is dependant on who is available when I call tomorrow. I wish I could afford to just buy 12 vials or so at once. Then I wouldn't have to do this each try.
I also am planning to see if I can get into an acupuncturist here in Spokane before I head back to California. Not sure that just one appointment will help much but it can't hurt so why not. Yes I realize that there is a hint of desperation in this whole try. Or in the whole TTC thing completely.
I still have to get my cats to the vet to get an update on their heart medication. I should clean up my house and organize a bit. Oh, and I got to check out my stroller that I bought on e-bay back in June finally. It's brand new, had the tags on it and is a really nice stroller. It's a 200.00 stroller that I got for less than 100.00. Yes, by the time I do finally ever get pregnant I may already have everything I could ever need for a baby.

Change Is In The Air

Ok, so it's just my blog that is changing but hey. The pretty flowers stopped working. It said I was using too much bandwidth (I have NO idea what that means) and that I could download a smaller version of the pic. Somehow I don't think that would have looked quite the same. So I decided to update.
Well, still no contract. The hospital I was at didn't want to put me on float pool as I would be floating most of the time to the unit I had been on so they didn't think that was worth it. They have a day shift position open on a Med/surg orthopedics floor which I hate ortho. Plus, I just feel like I'm really done with that hospital. Yes I could have stayed but I no longer want to. My agent yesterday mentioned the position just north of San Francisco that I had wanted the first time around. I told him to definitely submit me. I really want to go to the Bay area. So hopefully it will come through.
Yesterday I did a little shopping. There is a clothing store here that I really like that isn't available in California so I went and got a few new shirts and shorts. I also got some day lillies at Costco so I planted those out front. Just in time too. About 5 minutes after I got them planted the predicted storm hit with some torrential down pour. It was great to see a thunder storm. I love storms. Poor Sadie hates them. After all that noise it was all I could do to get her to go outside and go potty last night.
I've also decided I am definitely going to TTC in July. I bought some soy isoflavones yesterday that I am taking CD 3-8. I don't know if they do work like Clomid (I've heard they do) but I figured it would be worth a shot. I also need to call NW on Monday and see if I can purchase sperm and pick it up. I'm just going to load up super spermie transporter (aka styrofoam cooler) with dry ice and take those swimmers back to Cali with me. I figure that will save almost 200 on shipping. And they should be fine. I had picked them up on my first try and they sat in the cooler in the garage for 3 days and were fine. Granted I will have to keep replenishing the ice but it should only be for a few days. So, that's my plan. Then if it doesn't work for August I would like to start seeing an RE.
Well, I have lunch plans today, I have to go pick up my pictures that I had printed yesterday. I will try to post a few in the next day or so, now that I'm home and have a better internet connection.

Good To Be Home

It is very good to be home. I've missed my home. Down side is that it's hotter than hell here too. And none of the windows on the front side of my house open. And my house faces south. So yesterday when I got here, my house was almost hotter inside than it was outside. It did cool off some during the night but still really hot. Sadie was a little subdued when I first got here. That made me feel kind of bad. She seems fine now but none of the usual jumping around maniacally when I first got here. I suppose that's what I get for leaving her for 3 months. Now I get to do it again. I hate leaving her but if I were to take her with me she would be in an apartment all day almost every day. She would have 14 hours a night without being able to go out and go potty which would mean bladder infections. She would have no yard. Here she has a yard, other dogs to play with, I think J. is home quite a bit and spends time with her. As much as I hate it, she's better off here. Anyways, not much going on. I have an appointment for next week to get an estimate for new windows for my house. I need to take the cats to see their usual vet. Sara still seems fine in spite of her learning that she cannot in fact fly. Then just trying to get together with friends while I'm here.
Oh and to answer a question from my comments on an earlier post, so far with the guy that I mentioned in a previous post, we are e-mailing each other. It's going a little slowly but that's ok. Not too much to report as of yet. hope everyone has a good weekend.

Halfway Home

Actually I think I'm more than half way home but that sounded good. Well, I still have no contract people. I can't decide if I'm panicked or not but I did decide I was done worrying about it. Sort of. I finished my last night of work Monday night, said good-bye to everyone and went home and went to bed without calling my agent. He called me about an hour later and woke me up telling me that Fresno had just posted a float pool position (the position I want) at the hospital and they were submitting me for it. I said ok, sounds great. Apparently Chico declined me. I'm not entirely sure how that makes me feel. I didn't really want to go to Chico, I hated it there in the summer. However the whole not feeling wanted, when they know me is a little bit of a blow to my ego. Granted it could be related to the fact that I had been their employee at one time or it could be related to the fact that when I was their employee I had signed a 1 year contract with them and then left before it was up. I did however pay back all the money I owed them for leaving early. So, oh well. Life goes on and I'm sure my ego will recover. But I decided yesterday that I was going to head home. I was wide awake this morning at 3:30 in the morning, this is what happens when you sleep all day and most of the night, and so I got ready and left by 6. I made it as far as Redmond, Oregon which was about the half way point when I was coming from Chico but since I came from Fresno it was a long ass way. I drove almost 12 hours and about 650 miles. There were a few stops in there. I had to stop at a Walmart for tampons, yup folks, it's CD 1 again. Then I was tired and wanted to stop in Bend but couldn't find a room after looking around for a while, so on to Redmond. Now I'm just about ready for bed and tomorrows drive should only be about 6 hours. And I get to see my Sadie sunshine baby. Ok, yes, I'm goofy. Cats are tolerating the drive pretty well. They have spent most of the day sitting on pillows looking out the window and chilling. After the first hour of crying that is. Some lady commented on how calm they were and I had to point out that they had already had 3 hours to get that calm. When we got here, I put them in the room and went back to the car to get stuff. I opened the door again and they were off to the lobby to take a tour. I was chasing them down the hall trying to catch them. Now they are exploring the room.
I don't know for sure how long I will be home. I have to be back in Fresno by like the 22nd at the latest and probably should be there by the 21st since I have to get my stuff out of the apartment. I didn't want to haul it all to storage and store it and there is no way it was all going in my car. Have I mentioned before that I'm a shopaholic?? That will be too soon for a cycle at home however, I could potentially pick up super spermies with the super spermie transporter full of dry ice and just keep replenishing the dry ice and take them back to Cali with me. That would save almost 200 in shipping.
Well, I off to bed soon. Great big huge congrats to S&C on their referral on their baby girl and here's to hoping all of you testing soon will be getting bfps. And B, I hope you ace your test. All that naked studying should count for something.

Curiosity Made The Cat Jump

Ok, so cats are curious. My two cats may actually be a little more curious than most of your average every day cats. Part of the nature of their breed is their inquisitiveness. And there are pigeons who live in the area who taunt the cats. Once about a month and a half ago, I saw Sara jump up on the very small deck railing in an attempt to get to a pigeon who was sitting on the ledge above the deck. I managed to catch her before she jumped or anything else and tried to keep her inside more after that but they love being out on the deck so much. Well, today she must have tried again. I went outside to go dump some garbage and found her under the stairs on my way back in the house. I don't know if she jumped down or fell. I don't know how long she had been down there. She was a bit dirty but seemed ok although maybe a little shaken up. Off to the emergency vet clinic we went (why can't these sort of things EVER happen during a week day?). The vet didn't find anything wrong with her other than she might be a little sore. He gave us some anti inflammatory medication and said to bring her back if I feel she isn't doing well. I'm pretty sure she's fine but she is so good at giving me a scare.

Still No Contract

I feel as if I have been here before. This land of waiting to see where I will get a contract and go next. I don't really like it here since like I've said many times, patience is not a virtue I possess in large portions. I still have no contract for my next work assignment. My last night is Monday. It's all sort of involved and frustrating. The agency I work with has spent the last several weeks trying to get me a contract to stay here in Fresno, based on the heat the last few days, I'm not sure I want that anymore as I feel like I'm roasting alive. The hospital offered nothing until early this week offering only to let me stay on the floor I've been on which I really don't want to do. So Monday I told T. to start looking for a new assignment. Well, he didn't actually start submitting me on Monday. I missed him on Tuesday, Wednesday was a holiday and Thursday he told me they had tried again to get me to another floor and were told no. They had not actually submitted me elsewhere. He mentioned several other places which I rated from most desired to least. Santa Barbara was at the top, Redding was at the bottom. The first 3 places that I really liked, all mostly coastal were all no's. The submitted me to Chico. Ok, so the upside of Chico is that I have lived there before, I know people there, know the hospital to some extent and liked it there fairly well. The downside is that I HATED Chico in the summer. I hate the heat. I am assuming that as of Friday afternoon there still was no contract from Chico or anywhere else as I never heard from T again. Now I wait out the weekend. I'm also trying to figure out when I'm going home. If I've only got 5-6 days, I have to fly as it's pretty much a 2 day drive each way by myself. I don't have a plane ticket yet and they are getting more expensive by the day. T did say that he would fly me home and not to worry about that. So, we'll see. The other option is that if I still don't have a contract by next Tuesday or Wednesday, I will likely put most of my meager belongings here in Cali in storage somewhere and drive home. Then I could possibly work in a cycle at home but that is pushing it as I am due for AF on Monday and that would mean I would have to be home for almost 3 weeks. The other end of that equation is that I have no idea where I am going to be in 3 weeks. So, I have no idea where to have sperm shipped to. So there is a very good chance that I'm going to end up sitting out another cycle. Shit. That seriously bites. I was so determined to try again in July, now it may not be a possibility. Yes, I am starting to see why TTC while working as a traveling nurse may be a little far fetched but I'm not ready to quit traveling because how the heck else am I going to afford all this TTC stuff or plan B if TTC doesn't work. Today I'm having that feeling that I've heard others mention before. That feeling of why can't anything ever go easy for me. Kind of a little pity party. Oh, and I need to pack my stuff and figure out what the hell to do with it all (where to store it) until I need it again. Bleh.

Oops

Oh shit I goofed. I just tried to add a new template to my blog which is very pretty but I deleted my entire link list (all the blogs I visit) and looking at my actual blog, I'm not sure how to go about posting if I shut this page down. Damn.
Whew, mostly fixed. I think I have managed to add almost all of the blogs I read back onto my list. I like the template although I don't know that it will last as it makes it a bit harder to get to posting stuff etc since I don't have the little tool bar thing at the top. We'll see. Well that used up about an hour and a half trying to fix that mess.

Change Is In The Air

Or at least I think it is. I spoke with my agent today about my work contract, a couple times actually. It is starting to look like I will be leaving Fresno in another week or so and heading for greener pastures. The first time I called him he said that the hospital had offered to extend my contract but only for the same unit. I told him no I wasn't interested in that and what some of my concerns were. The manager who doesn't back her nurses and who won't work with anyone on scheduling. I'm tired of never having more than 2 days in a row off. Part of why I work 12 hour shifts is so that I can have several days in a row off. I also told him about my concerns that I am risking my license. I told him of things that have happened on the unit that make me fear for my license. Then later in the day I called him again to tell him that I forgot to tell him but there was another unit I didn't want to work on either as it was the same manager. He asked if it was just that manager and my response was no, it's the fear of loosing my license. He then asked if I wanted him to start looking for a different assignment for me to which I said yes. One place he offered as a possibility was Chico which is funny as I lived there for almost a year and worked at the hospital there. I wouldn't mind it but boy is it hot there this time of year. I asked him to try to get me to a coastal area. So, we shall see. Unfortunately, this place pays better than anywhere else. I do think however that moving on is a good plan. So, on to hopefully a better assignment. Now if I can just figure out how I'm going to get my next AI done since I'm going to be changing addresses again. Yikes. Oh, and I'm still up in the air about going home.

Still In Limbo Land

Ok, so fair warning that this is a bit of a long post. I haven't been able to post in a few days since I come home from work, eat and fall into bed so this is all the shit that has been building up in my brain. I still have no contract. And yes, I'm panicking a bit although I know that is probably waste of energy since for this assignment I didn't have a contract until the day before I left to come here. And I can't get over not knowing if I want a contract or not from this hospital. There are things that I definitely dislike about this hospital. Not that I'm against working hard but things that set me up for failure etc make me nervous. I have a manager that is known for not backing up her nurses. I'm on a unit that is isolated from the rest of the hospital. I was talking to a co-worker last night who had a patient who was crashing and it took over 7 minutes for help to arrive. Her patient ended up dying!!! I am thinking of staying based on the thought that it may end up being better on a different unit. Whether that is in fact true, I won't know until I'm actually locked into another contract. What a dilemma. I'm planning on going home in a little more than a week and I have no flight reservations etc as I don't know how long I will be able to stay home etc. I have no apartment to go to. It's all a little nerve wracking.
I've come to the conclusion that I really need to at least try AI in July even if it is at home which is likely since I don't think I will be able to get into fertility clinic with short notice. May not work but I at least need to feel like I'm doing something.
And there is a bit of a man situation thing going on. When I was in Seattle a little over a year ago visiting my friend R. I met a friend of hers who was a nice man but I really didn't think of much past that. The next day he called to tell me that he was really attracted to me and would like to get to know me further and asked for my address. I got one letter from him to which I did respond and then did not hear from him again. I really didn't think of the why's very much. Then in April, before I left home, R asked me again if it was ok for him to contact me and mentioned that he had been asking about me. While she trys to stay out of the matchmaking scene, she did answer his questions and tell me about it. He said that he had quit writing to me because he felt like he was wrong for me and that I deserved someone younger who could give me more than he could. He said something about me being young and that I deserved the right to have children etc which he wouldn't be able to give me since he had a vasectomy when he was married to his ex-wife. I asked R about that and was told that ex-wife had asked him to do it as she didn't want children and he did it although he wouldn't have minded having children. I also asked R if she had mentioned to him what I'm trying to accomplish right now and she said that yes she had and she hoped I didn't mind. R had given him my address again but I had not heard from him so when R was down here last weekend, I asked for his e-mail and have started e-mailing him. My dilemmas here is several things that I'm not sure if they really are dilemmas. One is the age difference. I understand that age is somewhat relative once you become an adult and my ex was 12 years older than me and it really didn't bother me as much as it even bothered him but even now, 16 years difference feels like a lot. The other one reason or whatever makes me feel a little bit like a bitch to admit it. I don't feel like I am really physically attracted to him. And I'm torn by this for a few reasons. I do believe that attraction to someone is something that can grow over time as you get to know someone. That just because you don't feel that instant spark of electricity or attraction, doesn't mean that it can't grow. Also, having someone who is your friend as well as your significant other and someone who treats you well is much better than just having the spark without the friendship etc. I really do believe those things. That said, I have spent my entire adult life and most of my teen years looking for, chasing after and craving the spark. I can even admit that this hasn't actually been very good for me. It's left me single when there were probably several opportunities that something could have turned out with someone else where I didn't have the spark to start out. I've actually regretted some of those missed opportunities. My never ending hunt has also landed me in an abusive relationship in which I acted like and idiot and stuck around for 3 years because that spark was there and I had to save it and him and the relationship. The search has left me with almost no self confidence when it comes to men since most of the men with whom I have felt that spark didn't feel the spark towards me or didn't really find me attractive for whatever reason. I've always told myself that it's because I was fat, that no one would want me because I didn't look a certain way. I spent years trying to make myself over into something someone else would want. I've dieted for years mostly unsuccessfully, I've acted like an idiot, pretended to be a party animal when I'm not, acted like an airhead when I'm not just to be what I thought the man of the month would want in a woman. I decided a couple of years ago that I was done looking, trying to change myself and being disappointed by unreturned feelings and that I was fine on my own. And I am ok on my own. I do ok financially, I have succeeded in creating a life I enjoy on my own. Yes I occasionally miss having a partner. I miss having someone to share my day to day stress and successes with and all of lifes little moments but I do know that if I never find anyone to share my life with that I will be ok or even happy with what I do have. But this brings me to my dilemma. I feel like I should give this a chance with the guy since who knows, maybe it could all grow into something great and then I would have someone to share it all with. But I'm scared. I'm afraid of giving up my independence and I'm afraid of starting something that I can't finish. Of him having feelings for me that I can't return because what if those feelings don't grown and I don't want to hurt him. I know what that pain feels like. I told him last year that I was open to communicating back and forth and getting to know him but that I didn't know how I felt about a relationship and I didn't know how I felt about the age difference. So now we are e-mailing each other and part of me wants to be scared and part of me wants to think, just see where it goes (yes this is really my plan) and maybe it could turn out to be a good friendship and maybe it could turn out to be something great. I won't know until I try. But I find myself wondering if I'm a bitch to start this when I don't know if I could ever return his feelings. And then there is the thought that if I am going to have a relationship with someone I want something that is a strong relationship with someone I really enjoy being with and who I can share my life with and I really am not sure how to get from here to there. And then there is the whole baby thing which is my number one priority. I am not willing to stop or postpone my plans and it's taking a lot of my energy at this point. Where would all of that fit in. And no, I'm not crazy, yes I know I over analyze almost everything and I'm worrying about something that may never be an issue but I can't turn it off.
Now, I should probably stop typing before you all stop believing me when I say I'm not crazy. Sorry I warned you it was long.