I'm Ok

I am. Still sad but I know Sadie's better now. Last week was really emotional leading up to the whole thing and I'm sort of thankful it's over although I wish it hadn't come to that. I had taken Sadie in Monday, sort of expecting to not bring her home. Instead the vet did the "here let's try this medicine and this, and lets do a urine culture to see what the infection looks like to see if we can start her again on steroids." I agreed even though this left me over drawn and took her home again with more medicines. She seemed however to get worse every day. I finally heard from the vet on Friday morning and he kept going on and on about her urine culture and should we treat it etc and I finally sort of lost it. I started crying and said that I didn't care about the infection (she was still on antibiotics anyways) but wanted to know if she could go back on the steroids. I explained that she was having a lot of difficulty walking and seemed to be in a LOT of pain, she wasn't eating as she didn't want to walk into the food dish. He said yes he supposed we could but it might make the urine infection worse and that we could also try several other types of pain medications. I was crying pretty hard when I finished talking to him and got a call right away from my chosen parents in Spokane. I told J what was going on and basically after talking it out I knew that in my heart I knew it was time to put Sadie to sleep. I hated it but I knew it was time. I called the vet back to ask about the cost of putting her to sleep since I was overdrawn and they told me they would have the vet call me back. A few minutes later the clinic called me back and said that the vet wanted me to bring Sadie in for a complimentary laser treatment. I have no idea what the laser treatment was supposed to do but I really lost it at this point. I told them that I no longer had faith in this doctor and that I couldn't keep torturing my dog. I also told them I was considering either bringing her in to see the doc that usually sees my cats or going to a completely different vet. They offered to get me in right away with the other doctor who sees the cats.

When we got there I had to carry Sadie in, her legs kept giving out on her. When we got in she laid down and pretty much didn't move. I was sitting on the floor with her when the doctor came in and she sat down on the floor with us and talked to me. She said she didn't think it was a slipped disc as she wasn't acting right for a slipped disc and that it had all happened too quickly. Her thought was that it was likely cancer of some type but she basically told me what I needed to hear. That it was time and it was ok to let go. I signed the necessary forms and the doctor sat and held Sadie's head and petted her while the tech did the injection. I was so thankful that she was there and helped with this.

I know that Sadie isn't hurting anymore. I had a dream about her last night and she was her old self and I couldn't even keep up with her. She was so happy. I'm still hurting and the house seems so dang empty without her. The cats have been more clingy and seem to miss her too. I know I did the right thing but dang I miss her. I'm just so glad that she came back to me last summer. I'm glad I got that last few months with her and that I was there for her at the end.

Thank you everyone for all your kind words. It has really meant a lot to know that you were all thinking of me and my beautiful Sadie.

Good Bye

Good bye my sweet Sadie girl. I will miss you so very much.

Always Learning

I figure that I learn something new every day. Whether I want to or not. Life is a learning experience. This last week at work has definitely been a learning experience. I survived it and actually did pretty good but wow. I learned that my time management skills have slipped a bit. I spent all 3 nights at working running almost non stop until midnight. Then trying to catch up the rest of the night. I've learned that I really need to see about learning more Spanish. At least enough to get through some basic assessment questions and answers. Right now my Spanish is limited too asking about pain, hot or cold, allergies to medications, when baby ate and did baby pee or poop. Oh and does the patient smoke. Yes I need some more. I re-learned that the whole diaper changing and such needs to be quick especially with the little boys. I was weighing (done in the nude for babies) a baby yesterday morning when I noticed wetness. Yes, I got peed on. Fun times. I learned that no matter how good I am at drawing blood, even on babies, I need to not be cocky about it and take the baby to the nursery for lab draws. It is naturally distressing to the parents when it takes a couple of pokes to get the needed blood from the baby and it sucks to be struggling in front of the parents. I've remembered that I like being a nurse and connecting with my patients.

It was a good week although there were some very interesting patients on the floor. There was one patient who had just delivered her first baby. She was still pretty much a baby herself, not even a teenager yet. Another patient with MTHFR who had had 6 miscarriages. Young moms who seemed like giving birth wasn't going to slow them down a bit and was just not a big deal. Moms who even though they were likely very lacking in parenting skills, very obviously loved their babies very much. That's the part I have to make myself remember when I start thinking "why can this person have a baby and I can't?"

Today I'm learning that I may have to let go soon. Let go of Sadie. This weekend has been a bit rough. She's hurting. From what I can tell she's hurting quite a bit. She hasn't been eating much at all for the last several days and she only gets up and moves if she really truly has to. Stepping down off the curb is difficult and she can no longer raise her tail. Walking is slow and getting into the car was near impossible. She can't jump up at all and to lift her hurts her bad and she shies away from allowing me to do it. My poor baby. My heart is just breaking seeing her in so much pain. This is with her taking medications also. We got some more medications from the vet today to try but basically if this doesn't work, I may be out of options. Or out of affordable options since spending a couple thousand dollars on surgery isn't an option. Yes, this is a lesson I really don't want to learn.

Days Go By

Well tomorrow night is back to work for me. It has been so nice though having 5 days off work and knowing I didn't even have to use vacation time to get it. This is why I love 12 hour shifts. I've gotten a lot of reading done and some sewing. I have one baby blanket top done for a friend of mine at work who is pregnant and then I've got another one almost done. I've read like 3 books and just relaxed. So I work three nights, I'm off for two and then work three more. Then I'm off for six!! Somewhere in that six I think I'm going to venture to the coast and try to catch some sunshine and warm weather. All the dreary fog and clouds is making me a bit crazy here.

Last week I signed up for a quilting class. It starts this Sunday and I'm really excited about it. It's Quilting 101. I've done some self taught stuff with quilting but I figured it would still be a good experience to take a beginners class and learn from the start. I've been wanting to take a quilting class for years so I'm really looking forward to this.

Not a lot else going on right now. I continue to worry about Sadie and how she's doing. I'm worried that she's hurting. She just doesn't seem to have the energy that she did even a month ago. I've been extending our walks some because she gets moppy being in the house all the time but when we go farther by the end of the walk she just seems uncomfortable and like she's not enjoying it. She starts off fine but seems to really slow down and I think it's hard for her. I hate the idea of taking her back to the vet again as the doctor seems to want to "fix" it all and I think at this point it's more of a matter of symptom management and keeping her as comfortable as possible while balancing keeping her happy also. I worry too that I won't know when it's time to let go. Poor old girl.

Cousins

I read somewhere (another blog I think?) that cousins are our first best friends. When I was a kid and before school and friends and growing up and being an adult I used to spend so much time with my cousins. It makes me a little sad that I haven't kept in better contact with them in past years. Facebook though has been fabulous for reconnecting though. Yesterday as I was out walking my dog I was also walking along and laughing hysterically at a post my cousin sent me that was my dad's favorite "rant" when he was pissed off. It was so funny. It brought back so many other fabulous memories. Memories of weekends spent together building whole room tents and hiding out. Games of hide and seek and hot and cold. The adventures we took (the time we walked to downtown Tacoma comes to mind and my mom's major freak out when she found out). Time we spent talking on the phone and the threats of a hundred pigeons who hadn't pooped in a year being sent my way. Guess you had to be there. It's funny and strange to me though how much I remember my cousins being a part of my life up to a certain point and then how they just weren't so much after that. I find myself wondering what it was that changed. I also find myself wishing I could spend more time with them. See over the years I've let many of the relationships with family slip away. Part of it was influence from my mom as she started to really get over involved in her religion and while I was still in the phase of trying to please her. That whole keep yourself separate from those who didn't believe thing. Part of it maybe was fear. Fear of rejection or something. I'm not even totally sure. Other than I've spent years of my life fearing that no one wanted to be around me. It's nice to be able to move past some of those fears and to be in a place where I can reach out to them more than I used to and re-connect. It's even interesting (and nice) to me that their kids talk to me on facebook sometimes. Especially since I didn't really expect their kids to even remember me since I hadn't been around much.

It makes me feel like I wasn't quite as alone as I used to think I was, I was just to afraid to look at what was there, for fear that it wouldn't be there. Strange, I know. But it's baby steps and a work in progress. All I know is it's nice to have my cousins back.

My Week

Sorry about my little rant earlier this week. Mean people and bullies suck even if they are people who are just trying to hide what cowards they are. It also annoys me when people say shitty things but are too chicken shit to say it themselves and have to say it under the disguise of anonymity. It bothers me to think that the comment came from someone who is a regular reader since if you really dislike me that much, why bother reading my blog. Whatever though. Your issues anonymous, not mine.

Last week was a pretty good week but busy. Monday I had to update my NRP certification which I had to have for work. It's usually a type of course that you can't really flunk unless you really don't prepare at all. It went fine of course and I managed to get out of spending 5 hours with the unit clerk at the end of the shift. Then I worked day shift on Thursday and Friday. Those went ok too although they started awfully freaking early. I hate mornings. Funny how getting up at 4:30 in the afternoon doesn't bother me much but 4:30 in the morning just feels horribly early. The first day was fine and went great. The second day I was with a nurse who was very by the book and it felt very nit picky. Especially when I kept getting a lot of "I do it this way" in front of the patient which was basically interpreted by me as you need to do it this way too. I started feeling really prickly but finally decided that I'd be a mess by the end of the day if I kept that up. I tried to just let it go, get what I could from the experience and know that it was my last day of orientation. Now I'm done and I have 5 days off!!!! So nice being back to 12 hour shifts. I've got some sewing to work on this weekend and just stuff around the house.

Sadie is doing good and doesn't seem to be hurting much but seems to tire out more than she used to. I've been taking her for walks and she doesn't seem to want to go as far as we used to go. I feel bad for her and I hope that I can recognize when or if her quality of life seems to be declining too much.

My milestone of the week? Look at the pic.

For the first time in a very long time I weigh less than 200 pounds! This was a great feeling. This and shopping at Victoria's Secret last week for the first time ever. I even got myself a nice new fancy bra.

Anonymous

Gee Anonymous, why not grow a pair and stand behind what you say you fucking coward.

Some Improvement?

Thank you everyone for all your comments about Sadie. She is doing ok and even seems a bit better. Yesterday and today she has rolled over on her back and done her little self scratch thing she does. She hadn't done that in a good week or more so it makes me feel better. She has also been a bit more energetic which is nice too. I did go for a bit longer walk with her this morning and while she seemed to tire out sooner than usual she did ok. Right now my goal is to manage her symptoms and let her live life as much as possible. So we'll see how that goes. Not a lot else happening. I'm almost done with orientation at work which is nice. I'm sort of tired of having people follow me around all the time. I've had the last 3 days off work and have been cleaning house and putting away my Christmas stuff which has been a chore. I want to get my sewing out and start sewing more again. Right now though I'm thinking it's bed time. Trying to get myself switched around so that I can be at work bright and early Monday morning for a class I have to take. Yikes I hate mornings.

Expensive New Year

Well, my New Year has been a bit hectic so far. And expensive. On New Year's day Sadie cried out when the neighbor tried to pet her, and when I tried to pet her. I realized that her recent behavior was maybe not so much related to her extensive time indoors but possibly that she was in pain. Monday I loaded her up in the car to go to the vet. You all know where this is going right? Vet = EXPENSIVE, nothing is ever a simple visit with my animals. When the doctor picked her up to put her on the exam table she really made some noise and tried to bite him. He looked her over and took her to the back to draw some blood and some urine and to check the lumps. She came back and he said she had been fine, no further complaints from her. The lumps are fatty tumors. He said in the future he may recommend x-rays but for now we'd see what the lab work showed. When I took her out to the car she couldn't jump into the car. So back in the office we go. A general check of her back again elicited a response this time and the recommendation was for x-rays. I ended up leaving her for a few hours to come home and get some sleep. When I went back to get her the x-rays of her back didn't show anything but they won't show a slipped disc which is what he thinks the problem is. Her hips do have some osteo arthritis and hip dysplasia (how the heck is it that spell check can suggest dyspepsia and not know dysplasia?). There was talk of MRI's etc and we finally left close to $600 poorer and with a bunch of medicines and orders to keep her quiet, no running, jumping, long walks etc. Oh goody. At least she likes taking pills. So she seems to be doing a bit better. I still notice that she doesn't roll over like she used to and she definitely doesn't jump up on me anymore. We're supposed to go back next week for a re-check. I want her to be comfortable. I want her to enjoy life as much as possible but I have to admit that doing surgery or extensive treatments for this just isn't an option. It makes me feel bad to look at it from the perspective of her age etc but financially I don't have another option. I'm trying not to dwell on the fear that I'm going to lose all three of my animals this year. For now she's good. I'm just hoping she stays that way. Oh and she also still has a bladder infection (that's been there since at least August) and I'm now being told that she will likely be on antibiotics for the rest of her life. Yikes. So, that's my week so far.

Happy New Year!!!

Well I hope everyone has had a good New Year's Day. Mine was ok. New Year's Eve was nice. I went to my friends house and we watched movies, chatted and watched the ball drop. Right after midnight she asked what I wanted or hoped for in my New Year. My response? I'd like to get laid. It's been entirely too long since sex didn't require batteries. Yeah, probably TMI but it was good for a laugh and actually seems like something that might be attainable. The other things I think I would like for 2011 is I'd like to do more. I'd like to go more places. Whether it's more sight seeing in California or going other places I don't know. After watching "Letter's To Juliet" last night I'd really love to go to Italy sometime. I don't know if that's in the cards this year though. But there are other places I can go and I would like to work on that. I also want to continue to work on being kinder to myself.

I've noticed that I compare myself to others. A lot. It's sort of funny really since when I was a kid it used to seriously piss me off when my mom would compare me to other kids. My cousins did more helping out around the house (cause my aunt threatened them with their lives) and this kid or that kid from church did more church related stuff etc. I hated that. Yet I seem to compare myself to others way more than I should. The recent ones have been an acquaintance who had weight loss surgery (different procedure) a few months after I did. She's lost more weight than I have and is a smaller size. She also was required to lose some of that weight pre-surgery and really what difference does it make. Other than I fear being one of those people that others talk about failing with this and gaining the weight back. I've also noticed myself comparing myself to a couple of post partum mom's at work. Mom's who were big girls and I've caught myself thinking "They did it, had babies successfully, why couldn't I?" Problem with that is that I don't know and I may never know. I don't know if it was my weight. Or my age. Or just lack of opportunity. Hell who knows. If I had been having sex regularly maybe I could have still managed to hit that one month that I had a good egg and managed one that stuck. I don't know and that has to be ok. Even if I did know it's not like I could go back and change it. So, no New Years resolutions but plans to have more fun and do more and plans to be kinder and gentler with myself. Cause really? I'm sort of fricking amazing.