I know I've talked about it before here but I have chronic pain issues. I've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis and some other form of arthritis, likely rheumatoid although I test negative for that. Most of it I just deal with. A bit harder since I am not supposed to take NSAIDs anymore after having gastric bypass but usually manageable. I know I'm actually fairly lucky that my pain isn't more debillitating as I've know plenty with more problems then me. Mostly it's just annoying. Some of the issues I can go back and blame on my weight like my knees. Some however isn't weight related. Like my shoulders and hands. Also it's not just the fibro pain as it's my joints that frequently ache and burn. The biggest problem for me is that it can often be hard to fall asleep since I'm uncomfortable and it's hard to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Lately melatonin has been my friend.
A year and a half ago my Rheumatologist decided that I probably had psoriatic arthritis (even though I only have one small occasional patch of psoriasis and occasional rashes) and put me on En*brel. This wasn't my favorite decision but it did bring my sed rate and CRP down to a normal level for the first time in my life I think. Of course according to MD there is no lab test or whatever to definitively diagnose psoriatic arthritis) and hello have you seen the TV commercials for this shit? One of the potential side effects is Lymphoma. I've whined and complained to my primary doc about this and my fears of it and was basically told that I could take the medicine and have a small off chance of getting Lymphoma or have my joints degenerate so severely that by age 50ish I would no longer be able to do much for myself. Hmm. What a choice.
Even with this medication though I've continued to still have significant joint pain/discomfort. When I saw my Rheumatologist in July he asked if I wanted to go back on a drug that is very contraindicated in pregnancy and my response was no. When I force myself to sit and analyze that decision I have to admit that there is still some small place in me where I hope that I might still meet someone, falling madly (and quickly) in love and end up with a surprise and viable pregnancy. Yeah I know. I often can't account for the workings of my mind.
In spite of how unrealistic this fantasy of sorts is, it's still there. Cause at 41 almost 42 with nothing but miscarriages to my record and no potential suitable men in sight it could still happen and I'd be stupid enough to not worry about birth control if it did. Well that last part might be true, it's been a long time and should the oportunity to have sex come up I might not be thinking about much other than "WOW, I GET TO HAVE SEX!!!)but really? What makes me think my ovaries are going to magically produce something workable after I spent so much time and money trying to force them into submission? Besides should any of the above ever happen it's not like I couldn't go off the medication and wait a couple of months and then be good to go.
It's just mind boggling to me though that all this time later, that whole maybe baby thing is still always there at the back of my mind and fucking with me. Does it ever stop?
Friday, January 06, 2012
Monday, January 02, 2012
Ring In The New Year
So I hope everyone's New Year was great. Mine was so so. I rang in the new year at work and on New Years Eve it was pretty busy, add in some drama and I would have preferred to sleep through it. Last night wasn't too bad though thankfully.
The drama was of course work related. Turns out the supervisor I worked under 3 years ago who was so incredibly mean spirited is now in training to be house supervisor. Oh goody. She was the one who made frequent fat jokes/comments to me and others, and basically made my work environment a hostile place. Yeah. That one. I got the oh so lovely news when I received a phone call from her in regards to a needle stick I had just gotten. Not really my best night.
The needle stick really wasn't a big deal in my opinion. I had just given a shot to a baby and nicked my hand with the needle. All very low risk. I thought it was a crack up though how one of the residents in the ED was all about pushing me to have a tetanus vaccine since "tetanus is a very nasty disease" and it had been 9 years since my last vaccine. Yeah right. Where's the risk? It was a sterile needle that had been used on a newborn. No thank you. Last time I had a tetanus shot it made my arm go numb for a day, two days after I received the shot so it wasn't the technique of the person giving the shot.
I did have a kind of nice weekend (yes even at work) in a way too though. I had the greatest couple with a new baby. I really liked them. They were so sweet and Dad was so attentive to mom and baby. So often we have the dads who want to stay over and then do nothing to help their wives/girlfriends. The mom also reminded me a little bit of myself. She was a fluffy girl who was so sweet. In talking she had mentioned that they had a hard time getting pregnant and they were so excited to finally have their baby. New Year's Eve dad stayed till midnight and had a bunch of mistletoe hung on the IV bag hanger to kiss in the New Year. I just really enjoyed being her nurse. Baby was adorable too. So last night I took her one of my blankets. I debated a bit as I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable but I just really wanted her to have one. She seemed to like it so I hope it didn't make her feel strange.
Now I'm off for the next 4 nights and boy am I ready for some days off. Now though it's bed time as I'm beat after 3 nights at work.
Happy New Year to everyone!!!
The drama was of course work related. Turns out the supervisor I worked under 3 years ago who was so incredibly mean spirited is now in training to be house supervisor. Oh goody. She was the one who made frequent fat jokes/comments to me and others, and basically made my work environment a hostile place. Yeah. That one. I got the oh so lovely news when I received a phone call from her in regards to a needle stick I had just gotten. Not really my best night.
The needle stick really wasn't a big deal in my opinion. I had just given a shot to a baby and nicked my hand with the needle. All very low risk. I thought it was a crack up though how one of the residents in the ED was all about pushing me to have a tetanus vaccine since "tetanus is a very nasty disease" and it had been 9 years since my last vaccine. Yeah right. Where's the risk? It was a sterile needle that had been used on a newborn. No thank you. Last time I had a tetanus shot it made my arm go numb for a day, two days after I received the shot so it wasn't the technique of the person giving the shot.
I did have a kind of nice weekend (yes even at work) in a way too though. I had the greatest couple with a new baby. I really liked them. They were so sweet and Dad was so attentive to mom and baby. So often we have the dads who want to stay over and then do nothing to help their wives/girlfriends. The mom also reminded me a little bit of myself. She was a fluffy girl who was so sweet. In talking she had mentioned that they had a hard time getting pregnant and they were so excited to finally have their baby. New Year's Eve dad stayed till midnight and had a bunch of mistletoe hung on the IV bag hanger to kiss in the New Year. I just really enjoyed being her nurse. Baby was adorable too. So last night I took her one of my blankets. I debated a bit as I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable but I just really wanted her to have one. She seemed to like it so I hope it didn't make her feel strange.
Now I'm off for the next 4 nights and boy am I ready for some days off. Now though it's bed time as I'm beat after 3 nights at work.
Happy New Year to everyone!!!
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Happy New Year!
Here it is. Another year. 2012. I guess I'll admit that my New Years wish or resolution or whatever it was didn't happen again this year. Most of the time I'm ok with that. Most of the time men seem to be more trouble than they are worth.
Other than a rough start of 2011 and the loss of two of my fur babies it was a pretty good year. I'm content with my life and where it's at even though I'm not where I would have thought I'd be and things haven't turned out like I planned. So true that life is what happens while you're making plans. Or something along those lines anyways.
For me the holidays have been spent working which is ok too. I've had some fabulous mamas tonight and adorable babies. Always a great way to ring in the new year. Granted yesterday didn't feel all that great. Crazy busy and then I ended up with a needle stick a couple hours before the end of my shift. Total pain. I'd done this once before and remember being way more worried about it. Granted at that time it was a homeless guy and this time it was a baby. Plus last time it was mid cycle while TTC and so I had that worry or fear as well. The most difficult part this time was the call from the house supervisor. Who just happened to be the previous charge nurse I worked with 3 years ago who was so awful. The one who made the frequent fat jokes and comments? Yeah that one. She was also the one who was continuously trying to stir up trouble anywhere she went. If you told her something in confidence she was sure to go tell everyone else etc. This just bugs me on so many levels. It bugs me that a person like this is in a position such as house supervisor. It bugs me that she harassed me for close to a year and had no consequences from it. Granted to some extent I do realize that I never pushed it. I talked to my manager but never went to HR as all I could see was my life getting worse if I did so.
Other than a rough start of 2011 and the loss of two of my fur babies it was a pretty good year. I'm content with my life and where it's at even though I'm not where I would have thought I'd be and things haven't turned out like I planned. So true that life is what happens while you're making plans. Or something along those lines anyways.
For me the holidays have been spent working which is ok too. I've had some fabulous mamas tonight and adorable babies. Always a great way to ring in the new year. Granted yesterday didn't feel all that great. Crazy busy and then I ended up with a needle stick a couple hours before the end of my shift. Total pain. I'd done this once before and remember being way more worried about it. Granted at that time it was a homeless guy and this time it was a baby. Plus last time it was mid cycle while TTC and so I had that worry or fear as well. The most difficult part this time was the call from the house supervisor. Who just happened to be the previous charge nurse I worked with 3 years ago who was so awful. The one who made the frequent fat jokes and comments? Yeah that one. She was also the one who was continuously trying to stir up trouble anywhere she went. If you told her something in confidence she was sure to go tell everyone else etc. This just bugs me on so many levels. It bugs me that a person like this is in a position such as house supervisor. It bugs me that she harassed me for close to a year and had no consequences from it. Granted to some extent I do realize that I never pushed it. I talked to my manager but never went to HR as all I could see was my life getting worse if I did so.
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