Whirlwind

I spent a week with my sister. We had a great time, we talked a lot. Laughed and got to know each other better. It helped me see more of my mom's dysfunction (oh yippee) and actually left me feeling a bit like I got off pretty easy since I got out much sooner.  It was hard to send her home again, not knowing what would happen next for her but I hope she knows that I'm always here.

I also accepted the job. Part of me felt like I was being irresponsible to do so after I had just moved into the house I'm renting. Talking to my therapist though helped and while getting out of my lease isn't going to be a cake walk I also know this is something I've been working towards for a long time. A year or so before I completely gave up treatments and decided to live child free I contemplated my plan B. I decided that if I did decide on the child free path, that I could live where ever I wanted regardless of cost of living. Where I wanted to live was near the ocean and preferably s@nt@ b@rb@r@.  I was offered a job in the place I've wanted to live since the first time I went there in 2008.  So I'm going. It's crazy expensive to live there and I'm doing some big down sizing so I can manage in a smaller space. I don't know if I will spend the rest of my life there and that's ok. I don't have to know.  For now though I'm going to give my dream a chance to fly and it's surprising how many things have fallen into place. I'm excited about this next step in my journey. So much so that I'm nearly all repacked again. Course it helps that I hadn't actually finished unpacking yet.

The other step I took was I did send off a letter to my birth mother. I do t know for certain that it will reach her but I hope it does. I also don't know if I will ever receive a response however releasing things seems to be working for me lately, so I'm just hoping for something good and living my life.

Here

My sister is here.  It's been fun and nerve wracking getting to know her as an adult.  Mostly she is good although part of me feels the emotional stuff could be still bubbling under the surface. Trying to figure out how to be supportive and yet let her decision making be at the forefront is a challenge.  

Then to top it all off, Monday I got a call offering me the job I had interviewed for back in May and had been told I wouldn't be eligible for, for another year.  So thinking I was going to be in Fresno for another year or more, I moved into a house and signed a year lease.  

For Now

For now she states she will be on a plane Saturday to come here.  She still doesn't sound good but I'm hoping this is progress.

Struggling

It's been a really rough couple of days here.  Over the weekend I felt like I had a pretty good solid idea on what to say in my letter and that I was willing to write it and send it off into the mail and the universe.  Letting go of the hope I could control, influence or know what would happen. It could go a hundred different ways and trying to plan or imagine what will happen will only make me nuts and won't change anything. I still plan to send it out, but I'm not sure when.

Yesterday's news of Robin Williams suicide hit me really hard.  Whether it's because I know what it feels like to be that sad, lonely and hopeless or for other reasons I haven't pinned down yet it felt awful. My heart breaks for anyone feeling that much sadness and pain.  I woke up late evening yesterday to a phone call from my sister that made the whole depression and suicide thing even more real and scary. I'm worried about her and her emotional state, trying to figure out how to help from several states away.  I'm not sure what is going to happen but I'm hoping to get her out here, at least for a while.  It was all enough for me to email my therapist and ask for an emergency session today.  For now I'm playing things by ear but have a couple different alternate plans figured out. 

As much as I have a difficult time with religion, God etc.  I would appreciate some peaceful healing thoughts and wouldn't even say no thanks to prayers for me and my sis. 

What To Say

Its odd.  I'm usually pretty good at writing letters. Definitely better at conveying what I need to say in writing than I am on the phone or face to face.  I'm having a really hard time though figuring out how to jump into this one though. Or maybe it's just the fear of being rejected.  Again. 

Found?

I think I found her.  I utilized the expertise of a confidential intermediary out of Washington who came up with a very good possibility of a name.  From that I have a phone number and address. And a picture. Since she has an unused FB page. I don't know if it's because I want to but I see what seems like a resemblance.  Wow. This has happened fast.