I'm Still Here

I am. I'm just at a bit of a block as to what to write about. And maybe feeling a bit sensitive about life in general. No huge apparent reason for that but there it is.

Last week I passed the one year anniversary of gastric bypass. On the 21st which was officially one year my weight was 191. 115 pounds lost. I've definitely plateaued and seem to be hanging out between 190 and 195 since around January. I'm mostly ok with this... I'm ok with the number and don't honestly care that much about the actual number. I know that I look, and feel much better than I did a year ago and am a lot healthier than I was a year ago. I'm ok with how I look. At least as long as I'm not looking at myself naked as all the jiggly bits are a bit horrifying to me. What scares me is that I'm still really close to that 200 pound mark which is a mark I don't ever want to go over again and I'd feel more comfortable if I was a bit farther from it. Or at least I think and have convinced myself that I'd feel more comfortable. Then again since so many women (myself included) seem to almost thrive on being unhappy with our bodies who knows. Yes I'm still working on exercise and trying to keep my food on track. The food part is a bit harder. It seems like there are more and more foods I don't like, I hate cooking and after eating the same meal over and over again I get tired of it. Hence I don't eat meals and then snack. Most of my snacks are fairly healthy but even things like nuts and dates and raisins can be bad if you eat too much.

All of that said and all of the things in my life that are going pretty good I'm still feeling a bit down. Things are really going well and I know that. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. There's just things that make me sad and right now they seem to be piling up a bit more than usual.

Trying to conceive and infertility have been on my mind a lot more lately. A lot more. I'm not sure why. Or maybe I know why and I just don't know what to do about it. I'm just feeling more and more like that ship has sailed and the letting go is painful.

I'm having a really hard time with Lizzie and that's making me miss Sadie horribly. I miss Sadie's pure joy in everything. With Lizzie I get the excitement that I'm home in the morning but only from a distance. She's happy to see me yet is too afraid to let me pet her. She still doesn't trust me and it seems like it's getting worse, not better. If I try to put her harness on her she freaks out so completely I can barely get it on her. If she sees me get the harness she will not come near me at all. I tried leaving it on her and she chewed it off. Even if I get it on her I'm afraid to take her out as she freaks out if there is anyone walking towards us or she gets caught on something or any tension on the leash and will pull her body out of the harness. If she gets out of the harness I can't catch her again. Not even with treats. I can't play with her as she thinks I'm trying to hurt her if I throw toys for her or whatever. I would love to get my hands on whatever fool made her this way. I know she is doing the best she can and I do know that she was never a replacement for Sadie. However I'm at my wits end trying to deal with her and help her. Then feeling guilty when I get frustrated with the situation or with her. I guess I'm just feeling completely overwhelmed by dealing with her and feeling like I'm not doing enough or doing it right but not knowing what else to do.

So that's where I'm at right now.

Sweating

So last month I finally went and signed up for a gym membership. My weight loss has plateaued and while I don't care that much about the number the idea of weight gain scares the f'ing daylights out of me. I went 3 times in the first week (when I had complementary visits with a personal trainer) and then I haven't been back. At the times when I have time I seem to be able to come up with endless excuses for why I won't go now or justifications that I'll go later during the day or something. It's one of my character traits or flaws or whatever that drives me nuts. Not just procrastination but procrastination of important stuff. Taking care of my body and my health is important. So this morning when I woke at like 6am (after going to lay down and take a nap at about 6pm last night from which I never really woke up) I decided no time like the present. I figured there wouldn't be a lot of people there at 7am on a Sunday morning. I was right about this which helped.

It also makes me stop and look at my thought process a bit. I've been aware for quite a while that I tend to be very over concerned with what other people think of me. I'm often emotionally hurt but thinking someone doesn't like me etc. When I was a teenager I would have rather failed a project than speak in front of the class. I never wanted to do anything that would make me the center of attention. No wonder that whole going door to door crap for religion was shear torture. Well this still carries over into my adult life when it comes to fitness. I hate working out in front of other people. I hate thinking that others are looking at me and thinking how fat, disgusting, ugly, stupid looking etc that I am. So I avoid those situations. However it's me that's suffering and truly I am pretty sure that all those fears are in my head. Granted yes at the gym there is a fair share of the beautiful people there but there is also many more of your average, every day person trying to be healthy. Some thin, some not so thin. Some young, some older. What is it that makes me feel like everyone is looking at me. I have no idea. No idea how to get around this fear or whatever it is either. Near as I can tell it's something I'll have to just get through. Or work through or whatever. So I did my work out this morning. In many ways I feel better since I did do it. Even though my arms are a bit sore. Now to keep it up.