Leap Day

I haven't been trying at this potential motherhood thing for nearly as long as some of you. I still feel somewhat new to this although I've been here long enough to feel at times as if my whole life is going to hell in a hand basket. I've had two sort of pregnancies. Twice now I managed to turn that pregnancy test positive but both times I've had shitty numbers to back it up. In addition to this I've seen in the last year the loss of those who have become my friends and support in this crazy journey experience loss of their own which often brings me to tears also and makes me question my faith and God even more. I still don't know where I stand on the God/faith thing. I know some say this has made you believe more. I feel I have more questions. I do realize that just being a part of the infertility community, loss is a given. Every cycle that ends in a BFN is a loss. It seems lately that this loss seems especially traumatic but who knows. I've only been here for a bit over a year and maybe it's been the same throughout time. There is so much I don't understand. So much that seems unfair and while yes I know, no one ever said life would be fair it seems as if God or the universe or whatever could find a way for things to balance out better than it does. Things like babies ending up with those who truly want and would cherish them instead of the opposite. But no, there does not seem to be balance to the universe or in life. I don't know what else to say here. I hate that this path is so difficult. I am thankful for the friends I've found and the support I've gained and been able to provide to others. If I were at home I would maybe consider planting some sort of plant to maybe commemorate this journey. Something that I could look at years from now and say, "Yes this means something because of what I went through". Or maybe I'd just get a new tattoo, something small to say "yes, I've been here both after and before so many others."