It's been a pretty rough weekend. I'm doing better now but Friday evening I was a wreck and all I could do was sit and cry non stop. I've been doing that a lot more often lately and its really not very enjoyable. Once again everything felt larger than it really was and things that were said as encouragement or advice felt more like criticism and judgment or options that were not possible at this moment in time. This is what I wrote on Friday and I briefly published it, then pulled it again. Looking at it tonight so much of it still feels real:
So many feelings. I feel like I'm failing so many no matter how hard I try, most of all myself. So overwhelmed. I'm tired and I want to go to bed but my brain won't stop talking at me. The stuff I mentioned in my last post still seems amplified to the point of madness. Things that are said likely as encouragement feel more like judgement and criticism. I find myself wanting to hide from everyone and yet craving some sort of connection or for someone to see the real me. Sometimes I'd like to sign off FB completely but know I would likely end up going days without talking to anyone. I'm empty and full at the same time. I'm emotionally depleted. I feel like I'm unraveling. I know my depression isn't managed but I'm not entirely sure how to get it managed, what added medication or combination of medications is the path back to me. Therapy helps but it feels so slow sometimes. Or it feels like I'm good there, but after a few days I start falling apart again. Tonight I'm just trying to keep my head above water and hold out for my next appointment which is Wednesday.
Right now the urgency of that moment has passed. Friday night the advice ranged from crate training to suggestions for toys to being told I need to get rid of that dog right now. Logically I know that the advice is well meant. However when your thought process has a hard time sticking to the logical perspective it can all feel pretty damn overwhelming. Saturday Lily spent most of the day in the kitchen and I took a break from my dog. Today I spent an hour on the phone with a dog trainer who will be leading the obedience classes I start with Lily in July. I got some ideas for the here and now, I got some reinforcement that what I'm doing is the right idea, some encouragement. Today we had a good day and I'm hoping for a good night.
I'm fully aware that Lily isn't the problem. She's a puppy. A very energetic puppy, but a puppy. She is a product of what training she has gotten. Honestly I've never really had to train a puppy. Sadie was pretty much good from the start, not destructive, house trained etc (at the age Lily is now) and was so easy. Lily is a challenge. I've also taught her (unintentionally) that certain behaviors get a reaction. So we're both working on learning. I'm also working to give myself time off. When she was younger I was so intent on keeping her busy so that she would let me sleep that I sort of taught her that she needed constant stimulation or interaction. Needless to say she's really over whelming. That on top of my continued depression and I frequently feel like I'm coming apart at the seems. I have an appointment on Wednesday to see my therapist. I need to make another appointment for my regular doc about doing something with my medications. Obviously something isn't working well enough right now. So I'm still working on it. I need to find my way back to me.
So many feelings. I feel like I'm failing so many no matter how hard I try, most of all myself. So overwhelmed. I'm tired and I want to go to bed but my brain won't stop talking at me. The stuff I mentioned in my last post still seems amplified to the point of madness. Things that are said likely as encouragement feel more like judgement and criticism. I find myself wanting to hide from everyone and yet craving some sort of connection or for someone to see the real me. Sometimes I'd like to sign off FB completely but know I would likely end up going days without talking to anyone. I'm empty and full at the same time. I'm emotionally depleted. I feel like I'm unraveling. I know my depression isn't managed but I'm not entirely sure how to get it managed, what added medication or combination of medications is the path back to me. Therapy helps but it feels so slow sometimes. Or it feels like I'm good there, but after a few days I start falling apart again. Tonight I'm just trying to keep my head above water and hold out for my next appointment which is Wednesday.
Right now the urgency of that moment has passed. Friday night the advice ranged from crate training to suggestions for toys to being told I need to get rid of that dog right now. Logically I know that the advice is well meant. However when your thought process has a hard time sticking to the logical perspective it can all feel pretty damn overwhelming. Saturday Lily spent most of the day in the kitchen and I took a break from my dog. Today I spent an hour on the phone with a dog trainer who will be leading the obedience classes I start with Lily in July. I got some ideas for the here and now, I got some reinforcement that what I'm doing is the right idea, some encouragement. Today we had a good day and I'm hoping for a good night.
I'm fully aware that Lily isn't the problem. She's a puppy. A very energetic puppy, but a puppy. She is a product of what training she has gotten. Honestly I've never really had to train a puppy. Sadie was pretty much good from the start, not destructive, house trained etc (at the age Lily is now) and was so easy. Lily is a challenge. I've also taught her (unintentionally) that certain behaviors get a reaction. So we're both working on learning. I'm also working to give myself time off. When she was younger I was so intent on keeping her busy so that she would let me sleep that I sort of taught her that she needed constant stimulation or interaction. Needless to say she's really over whelming. That on top of my continued depression and I frequently feel like I'm coming apart at the seems. I have an appointment on Wednesday to see my therapist. I need to make another appointment for my regular doc about doing something with my medications. Obviously something isn't working well enough right now. So I'm still working on it. I need to find my way back to me.
